Family Guy s10e19 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Come on, Stewie.
Hurry up.
I want to get good seats.
Ugh, I hate going to hear authors read from their work.
That Dr.
Seuss reading was dreadful.
And when the drugs stopped numbing the pain, the sex became even more violent.
It doesn't rhyme.
The new stuff doesn't rhyme! Hey, there.
You a big fan of Jonathan Franzen? Oh, my God, I worship him.
Yeah, yeah, of all my writing students, he's probably done the best.
I'm sorry, everybody.
Mr.
Franzen has informed us he's not coming.
Like most real authors, he's too good for this dumb town.
I hate it here.
Well, this crowd was promised an author.
No! Oh, well, you know, I guess I should be getting back to my dorm anyway.
I've got a short story due for my creative writing class tomorrow.
Oh, creative writing, huh? Well, if you'd like me to look it over before you turn it in, I'd be happy to.
Really? That'd be great.
Cool, cool, I'll follow you in my car.
Come on.
We're going.
All right, hold on.
Is this what your parents are paying all that tuition for-- so you can dogs? I'll print up for you what I have so far.
Okay, I'm gonna go in there with her.
You just sit out here and be quiet.
Here, watch one of her movies or something.
Ugh, Charlie St.
Cloud? A-And why are there so many fingerprints on this? Who's handling their Charlie St.
Cloud DVD all the time? Lois, can I have a Pop-Tart in bed, please? Lois? Hey, Chris? Yeah? Do you think Lois would be okay if I ate a Pop-Tart in bed? Probably.
Probably, right? Lois, you in the bathroom? Well, Mrs.
Griffin, you have three crushed ribs, but I was able to stop the internal bleeding.
Doctor, this has happened seven times in the last month.
Peter rolls over in his sleep and almost kills me.
I see.
Well, that sucks.
Look, I don't do it on purpose.
Well, it looks like you got a handle on it then.
No, we don't.
He practically smothers me every night.
Well, are you hogging the blankets? No.
"Probably hogging blankets.
" And if he's not smothering me, he's keeping me up all night writing with that giant plume of his.
"Dearest Augustine, I do hope this latest damp has not aggravated your gray lung.
" Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip.
"Matters stateside have taken a tragic turn "as this year's gourd crop has fallen prey "to a rather unexpected infestation of saltmarsh cutworms.
" Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip.
Peter, it's 4:00 in the morning.
Come to bed! "Marital concerns continue to bedevil me.
" Look, I'm sorry.
I wasn't planning on spending all night there.
Look, how about if I take you to the park, huh? Come on.
You like the park, right? We're about to pass the turnoff.
Here it comes.
You may take me to the park.
Um, excuse me.
I didn't bring any of my toys.
Can I play with some of yours? No! Mine! Are you all right? I'm fine.
I-I didn't push him back because he has leukemia.
My name's Penelope.
What's yours? Stewie.
I've never seen you around here before.
I'm new to town and I don't have many friends.
All right.
A lot of pressure on me instantly, but okay.
Would you like to play with some of my toys, Stewie? Well, what have you got? I have a set of jacks, a paddleball, and this taffy with superglue.
Isn't that the little boy who pushed you? Hmm, yes.
You there, would you like a piece of candy? Don't push.
Uh, Lois, why do we have Lucy and Ricky beds? Because I'm sick of you crushing me in the middle of the night.
Dr.
Hartman called about my X rays.
He said my spine is now disfigured.
Lois, if God wanted me to not sleep with my wife, he would have made me John Travolta.
Peter, I'm really tired, okay? Just give the bed a try.
There you go.
Good night, Peter.
I can't sleep like this, Lois.
I need someone to cuddle with.
Believe it or not, men like to cuddle, even cold, unfeeling men like Charles Bronson.
Hey, Charles Bronson's wife.
Scooch over.
I want to cuddle.
Mmm, that's nice.
I don't know what the big deal is.
I stopped for one drink after work.
Yes, but it's every night.
There, now you can be upset about that.
This is fun.
I like playing with you, Penelope.
What shall we play next? Well, let's see what you have.
You have a pop-up version of the Unabomber's Manifesto? Yes, at the end the brother pops up and turns you in.
What's this on your Etch A Sketch? Oh, those are some advanced mathematical formulas I've just been tinkering with.
You're kidding? I do that, too.
But what are these formulas for? For these.
Oh, my God, you've got a weapons room, too? And look at the size of it.
It's amazing.
Yes, although sometimes I think it's too big.
It takes the cleaning woman forever to clean it.
Was already broken.
My word, Penelope, you and I seem to have quite a lot in common.
Do you actually use these? Only when fear, spite, jealousy, and revenge demand.
I bought that to kill the women from Sex and the City, but time seems to be doing it for me.
You're wicked.
Do your parents have any idea? My mother's not a concern.
I don't really have to worry about her anymore.
Oh, do you have one of those white wine zombie moms? No, she died.
She was taking a tub and somebody came in and cut her head off.
Wait a moment.
Did did you kill her? Well, I held the knife and her hair.
Oh, my God, I've been dreaming about doing that for years, and you've actually gone ahead and done it.
Penelope I've never said this to anyone before, but I feel like I may have finally found, in you, my one true soul mate.
Do you feel this way, too? I do, Stewart.
It's as if our meeting were more than a mere coincidence.
It's as if we were meant to be together.
Indeed.
This must be how Maverick felt when he met Goose.
I feel the need.
The need for speed.
The need for speed.
And Scientology.
No, just speed.
So, listen, Quagmire, there's something I kind of wanted to talk to you about.
E-Ever since Lois got us twin beds, I can't fall asleep.
I'm used to having another person there.
I know.
I always sleep better when I'm next to someone.
Yeah, it's only natural, right? I'm glad to hear you say that 'cause, you know, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want to propose an arrangement that could benefit the both of us.
Okay.
Men need someone to spoon with and snuggle with just the same as women, and when you don't have that, it-it's I well, what I'm getting at is I would like for you to sleep with me in my bed, and this, this is not about sex; it's about sleep.
No, no, I totally get it, Peter.
Snuggling is a basic human need.
Right, I mean, who says that the body next to you has to be male or female or whatever? Or alive.
Yeah well, no, but, yeah.
Look, I, I think it's a great idea and I, I'm completely with you.
I'm in.
Let's try it.
Yay, that is such good news.
And I'm so happy they gave us a booth.
I know, 'cause they're supposed to be reserved for parties of three or more.
I know! Oh, Stewie, it's so nice to finally have someone to do naughty things with.
Definitely.
All right, I made a wallet bomb and I planted it on Mort.
As soon as he opens it-- boom.
Oh, bloody hell.
How do you go two weeks without opening your wallet? Yeah, he's been out to dinner, like, four times.
We're clearly not going to get him this way.
I know, which is why I just planted another bomb that's set to go off every time he burps into his hand.
Ohh, I'd better make sure my wallet's okay.
I say, we're on quite a run.
We blew up the Great Wall of China, bombed the Eiffel Tower, a look at this note I sent off.
"Dear Pakistan, Up yours.
Love, India.
" Let's see what happens.
They did not need much.
All right, Stewie, your turn.
Okay, I have to destroy Copenhagen with a tidal wave, and the theme is the Roaring Twenties.
Tha-That's, that's, that's a challenge.
Roarin' twenten tidal waven! Peter, what's going on? Quagmire's having a sleepover with me.
You can't be serious.
Look, Lois, I told you that I need to have somebody sleeping next to me.
All right, now if that's not going to be you Fine.
Do what you want.
I don't care, but I think it's very strange.
Okay, that's the one thing it's not.
Yeah, it's not strange.
I already told you: I don't care.
It's not strange.
I know.
All right, let's see here.
Now just, uh, wrap yourself around me.
Is that okay? Yeah, actually, you can hold me even tighter.
Okay, I just need to put this arm right around here.
Yeah, there we go.
Good, now let's just fall asleep like this.
Your boxers are a little starchy.
Can I take 'em off with my foot? Sure.
Come on, you.
Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story: Authorities are still searching for the culprits in a series of horrific acts of destruction all across-- scroll down, guys-- the globe.
That could've fit on there.
There was a long space at the end of that line.
My God, it's you, isn't it? It's you and Penelope who've been doing all of these horrible things.
So? I've always been about world domination.
What the hell did you think I was talking about when I said, "Victory shall be mine"? You have not said that in a very long time.
Well, I'm back on it.
Stewie, Penelope is taking you down a dark path.
Look, in the past you've done terrible things, but it's always been about the pursuit of your greater goal of world domination.
But this girl-- she just creates chaos for the sake of chaos.
So, what are you saying? I'm saying she's a bad influence on you, and you should stop spending time with her.
I shall do no such thing.
Penelope is wonderful.
We're going to be together forever.
Well, Rupert, this is a big mess.
What the hell were you doing talking to him? You know who I think is an ugly slut? Miss Sharon.
Miss Sharon from your day care? Yes.
This is a map of her house.
I thought we could burn her in her bed while her children watch.
You know, Penelope, maybe we don't have to kill someone every day.
There are other things to do.
Like what? I-I don't know.
You know what? Forget it.
I-I think Brian just got in my head a bit.
That's all.
Brian? Why? What did Brian say? Oh, nothing.
He just thinks that you're a bad influence on me.
T-Thinks I should stop seeing you.
He does? How dare he! Babe? Babe? Don't worry about it, all right? Stewart, do you love me? More than anything.
Then swear on that love that you'll do what I ask.
Just name it.
Kill him.
Kill Brian for me.
Family Guy is brought to you by AXE Body Spray.
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Kind of weird those guys want to fight you naked, huh? AXE Body Spray.
Oh, God, I can't kill Brian.
Even for Penelope.
He's my dog, my friend.
Well, I wonder what words are gonna come out of this pen today.
All right, I can do this.
Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do this.
You're lookin' kind of lonely, girl Would you like someone new to talk to? Oh, yeah, all right I'm feelin' kind of lonely, too If you don't mind Can I sit down here beside you? Oh, yeah, all right If I seem to come on too strong I hope that you will understand I say these things 'cause I'd like to know If you're as lonely as I am And if you'd mind sharing the night together Oh, yeah Sharing the night together Whoa-oh, yeah I don't care how many children you've lost in childbirth.
You're fired.
But I was only having a child because you and the mister You don't get to speak of me and the mister! Ah, Stewie.
So did you do it? Have you removed that wretched cur from our existence? I just couldn't bring myself to kill him, Penelope.
Brian is my best friend.
Perhaps you're right.
Perhaps it was wrong of me to ask you to do such a thing.
Oh, thank you.
I'm so glad you're being so understanding about this.
I was actually dreading having to tell you about this.
Bleah.
It appears I'll have to kill him myself.
What?! I knew you were too weak to do this.
You're nothing but a coward.
No, Penelope, wait! Strong women always turn out to be nightmares.
Like Joan of Arc.
Hey, guys, I'm not like other girls.
I kill people and burp and watch so much porn.
Isn't that cool? No.
I like a lot of goofball comedies that other chicks don't like.
My favorite thing to play is Call of Duty.
Look me up.
I'm GuitarGurrrl76.
Let's burn this chick at the stake.
I love steak! Other girls don't.
I'm actually more like a dude.
Hey, guys, don't come in my room.
I might be rubbin' one in.
Peter, this is ridiculous.
It's time for you to come home.
I live here now, Lois.
Look, I'm sorry that I ever got us separate Is that a bracelet you're wearing? It's a giggity band, Lois.
You wouldn't understand.
Look, Peter, if you come home now, we can get our old bed back, and you can snuge with me as much as you want.
Well You promise? I promise.
'Cause, you know, I missed cuddling with you, too.
You did? I sure did.
Well, then, hey what do you say we go home, huh? Sounds good to me.
Oh, Brian, there you are! Thank God.
Oh, hey, Stewie.
Did you make that coffee? Um, no, it was here when I came in.
I assume Lois made it.
Don't drink that! Hey, that mug was my crew gift from "Class Holes.
" Did you take a bite out of this donut? Yeah, it was from a box on the counter.
So what? How long ago? I don't know.
Five minutes? There's still time.
God, Stewie, are you out of your mind? Trust me, I'm only doing what's best for you.
Well, I do feel pretty thin and wonderful.
And I still got to eat the donut.
Why isn't everybody doing this? They are.
I've got a package here for Brian Griffin.
Oh, that's me.
Brian, no! Stewie, what the hell is going on? I'm so sorry, Brian.
Penelope told me I had to kill you because you said we should break up, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
So then she said she was gonna kill you and This-this is not for you.
That was weird.
W-What was he doing? Anyway, Penelope's trying to kill you! I told you she was bad news.
Look, let's just get you someplace safe.
Dude, get out of here.
Stewie, step aside.
Penelope, I can't let you do this.
Stewie, she's one year old.
I think I can handle this myself.
All right, Stewie, tag in.
Slo-o-w mo-o-o-tion di-i-ving at yo-o-u! Anti-gravity gun! This is beyond my technology.
Perhaps if I detonate an electromagnetic pulse, it will disable it.
Stay away from my dog.
Very well, Stewie.
I shall.
But just one thing.
What? That was beautiful.
I'm gonna tell my friends I banged her.
Hey, thanks for saving my life.
Well, it was the least I could do.
Obviously, it turns out you were right about Penelope.
You okay? I will be.
I will be, babe.
Oh, hey, Meg.
What have you been up to?