Family Guy s10e20 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! All right, ladies, let's pick teams for dodgeball.
Connie, would you like to be a captain? Sure.
I pick everyone except Meg.
Fair enough.
Go! Oww! Hey, where's everybody going? That's not how we end this class.
Good job today.
Good job today.
Great class.
Nice hustle.
Hey, how was gym class? Terrible.
You know, I don't think I can take another semester at this school, Ruth.
It's torture.
It's worse than sitting next to a baby on an airplane.
So what brings you to Kentucky? I'm visiting my family.
Ah, family man.
Me? Single and ready to mingle.
Tom Brunell's the name.
Insurance is the game.
And right now, the game is very good to me.
Hey, I know! If you hate it so much here, why don't you come to Paris for a semester with me instead? I'm leaving next week.
You're going to Paris for a semester? Yeah, it's a program sponsored by the high school.
My aunt even has an apartment there that we can stay in for free.
Oh, my God, that sounds so amazing! Excuse me, I was wondering if you would go to the dance with me on Friday.
Chris, it's me, Meg.
Well, that's everybody.
We now return to Ethiopian Hoarders.
I don't know how it got like this! Dad, Mom, there's something I want to ask you.
Can I go to school in Paris for a semester? What? Paris? Hey, you know, I have a pen pal in Paris.
Would you mind bringing him this letter? We're fighting.
Meg, I'd love to send you to Paris for a semester, but we can't afford that.
But I can pay for it myself.
I've been saving up from all my part-time jobs.
That's smart of you, Meg.
You know, sometimes I do part-time jobs for extra cash.
Gimme money.
Gimme money.
Gimme money.
Gimme money.
Gimme money.
You be careful, sweetie, and call us as soon as the plane lands.
Okay, Mom, I will.
I'll miss you, Dad.
I've never been very good at saying good-bee.
Good-bee, Meg.
And I'm gonna bring you back something special, little guy.
Don't worry about me.
Just get yourself laid.
Will you get me French Stewart's autograph? Say hello to the Pont Neuf for me, or as I like to call it, my inspiration point Oh, you're gone.
And the family's gone.
Oh, my God, we're actually here in Paris.
This is so exciting! Good day, foreigners.
On behalf of the country of France, we surrender.
Oh, my God, I love your breath.
Hi, I'm Meg.
This is my friend, Ruth.
Would you ladies like to share a cab, Or as we say, "sharre a cabbuh"? Sure.
That sounds great.
Oh, and please do not be suspicious that I am at the airport with no baggage whatsoever.
A cool name to say with a French accent is Ashtahn Kootchere.
Bye! Thanks! Hey, it's me.
I've got some fresh arrivals for you.
How are they? On a scale from un to dix, they're about a trois.
Wow, this place is awesome! I know! Hey, you wanna dance around like morons to loud music? I'll be right back.
I've been holding in a dump since America.
Griffin residence.
Hi, Dad, it's me.
Just wanted you to know I got here safe.
And sound? Yes, Dad, and sound.
Oh, good.
The "sound" is what concerns me.
Oh, it's so amazing here, Dad.
Yep.
You should see it.
Uh-huh.
The apartment we're staying in is huge, Uh-huh.
and has an incredible view of Uh-huh.
Dad, something's going on.
Some men just broke in.
Oh, my God! They've got Ruth! And now, I think they're coming after me! All right, Meg, I need you to listen to me very carefully: panic.
Pay no attention to detail.
Let your mind race.
Take short, rapid breaths.
Then hide under the bed, but leave two of your feet sticking out.
Oh, my God, Dad! Are they gonna take me? I'm so scared! Meg? Meg? I don't know who you are.
I don't know what you want.
But I have a very particular lack of skills.
I will never be able to find you, but what I do have is two dollars and a Casio wristwatch.
You can have one of them.
Drakkar Noir.
These guys are serious.
Lois, Meg's dead! Please, there's gotta be something you can do! My little girl is in terrible danger! Ma'am, the men who took your daughter are most likely members of a sophisticated network of human smugglers.
If she's not found within 96 hours, chances are she's gone forever.
Then we've gotta hurry! Sorry, we can't begin our search until she's been missing for 96 hours.
Oh, my God! My baby! Yeah, there's a pretty grisly sex trade over there.
Usually we just end up burying framed pictures.
Oh, Peter! This is a nightmare! What's going on down there? Are they gonna find her? Doesn't look good.
Stewie, I think there's only one way we're ever gonna see Meg again.
You and I have to take matters into our own hands.
What? What are you talking about? Look, you're the only one who's got the know-how and the technology to help us track her down.
Hmm.
Interesting.
Last week, all my gadgets were "hooey," I think was the word.
I didn't say You said "hooey"! All right, I've booked us on a flight that leaves in two hours, so, um, whose credit card shall we put it on? Just put it on yours and I'll pay you back.
Yeah, I feel like when that happens, I sometimes don't get paid back.
Like when? Jersey Boys, Morton's Steakhouse, Foxwoods Foxwoods and Jersey Boys was the same trip! You know what? Fine.
I'll-I'll put it on my card, but I-I-I'm just gonna say it's a gift because that's the only way I can do this anymore.
All right, the first thing we've got to do when we land is check the apartment where Meg was abducted and see if we can find some clues.
That sounds good.
That's what I was thinking.
Excuse me, do you mind if we switch seats so my family can sit all together? No, we don't we-we don't switch.
'Cause when we booked, they didn't have three together Ma'am, ma'am, your poor planning does not constitute an emergency for me.
You'll see him in Paris.
Go sit down.
God, Meg's kidnappers could be anywhere in France by now.
Well, we do have one lead, Brian.
I have a recording of the kidnapper's voice.
What? You do? How? I recorded the kidnapper's phone call with the fat man.
You see, Brian, I record all phone calls coming in or out of the house.
Y-Y-You do? Yep.
This one's one of my faves.
Hello, Fundamental Industries.
How can I help you? Yeah, um, is this is this Bang Brothers? Yes.
Oh.
Okay.
I-I-I'd like to cancel my subscription.
Uh, what's your name? Brian Griffin.
And which site did you belong to? Uh Captain Stabbin'.
And how are you spelling that? Uh uh, "Captain", full word, then "Stabbin'," S-T-A-B-B-I-N apostrophe.
Okay, I'm checking.
You know, in-instead of a "G" at the end.
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm not finding that site.
Uh, what was the subject matter? Um a guy doing chicks on a boat in a, uh, captain's hat.
Okay, I'm checking.
The, um the, passengers had, uh, just signed up for a tour of the harbor and then all that stuff happened.
Okay, you made your point.
Well, this is where Meg was staying.
Oh.
I thought Paris would be a bit more picturesque.
Instead it's just traffic and some big guy using a jackhammer.
But monsieur, ziss is not a jackhammer.
It is a "Jacqueshammer.
" Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho- ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho- ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho- ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho Oh, God, it's worse than I imagined.
You know, maybe it'd help if we just tried to track Meg's movements from the moment she arrived in France.
That's a good idea, Brian.
Let's try Google Earth.
Worth a shot.
There.
Enhance.
Wow, I never knew you could do this on a computer.
'Course not, you spend all your time on this watching Captain Stabbin'.
All right, we've got to find this man.
Let's see, this was taken at the airport.
He could be some sort of lookout who spots girls fresh off the plane.
Yes, you're probably right, Brian.
Such scum.
I'll bet they target young girls the way Army commercials target minorities.
Hey.
Other black guys.
It ain't so bad.
Oh, my God, Stewie! There he is! Hey, buddy, we've got a few questions for you! Excuse me, but this is a "smoking only" area.
Oh, sorry.
Do you have a, uh You know, I really only smoke when I drink.
Oh.
Well, this is nice.
This is a nice way to do this.
Look, we need to know: have you seen this girl? Quick! He's getting away! Oh, no, he's one of those parkour, free-running guys.
We'll never catch him! Oh, no.
I have chateau'ed myself.
Damn it.
He died before he could tell us anything.
Brian, he's the first guy.
The first guy always dies.
Well, I'm sure he didn't work alone.
Maybe there's something in here we can use.
Ugh, this guy has a Velcro wallet.
Grow up.
All right, this is the address that was in his wallet.
Yeah, but how are we gonna know for sure if these are the guys who took Meg? Well, we have the kidnapper's voice on tape, remember? Drakkar Noir.
I can use the voice recognition software in this recorder to confirm a match.
Now, here.
Take this briefcase.
We're Eastern European cologne salesmen.
We ask them what they want, and when they say "Drakkar Noir"-- which they all will-- we'll know if we have our man.
Drakkar Noir? All right, well, that's not him, but this is gonna be easy.
Well, gentlemen, now that you have smelled all of our colognes, what'll it be? I will take some Drakkar Noir.
How 'bout you? I am disgusting, so I will take two bottle Drakkar Noir.
How 'bout you, chief? Hmm.
Let me quickly grow beard and think about it.
I will take Drakkar Noir.
What the hell are you doing?! We haven't eaten since the plane.
I'm starving.
Where is this girl? Where is she?! We keep girls upstairs.
I hope you burn in hell along with the guy who came up with stuffing a turkey.
Hey! Who wants to try some of my "Butthole Bread"? Meg? Meg? Help me.
Oh, we're here to help somebody else, sweetheart.
Go, go, go, go.
Don't Don't look at her.
Don't look at her.
That was my mistake.
Stewie, I don't see Meg anywhere.
Brian, look! Oh, my God! Meg! What the hell? Where'd you get that hat? Uh, a girl gave it to me.
Well, what did she look like? She had a great personality.
That's her.
Where is she? Is she here? No, uh, they took her just a little while ago.
Every Wednesday night, they auction some of the girls off.
Wednesday? What a weird night to auction girls off into slavery.
Well, you know, on the weekend, people probably have plans.
Have plans? What are you doing that's more important than buying somebody? Look, where is this place? Where do they have the auction? I don't know, but there is a courtesy shuttle that runs every 20 minutes.
What? Aw, damn it.
We just missed it.
What do you wanna do for 20 minutes? Well, I don't know 'bout you, but I'm gonna work out.
That's how you stay in shape.
You just fit it in when you have free time, wherever you are, wherever you can.
There's semen on this floor.
Stewie, look! We gotta get in there! Hey, got one more here! Oh, where are we? I'm from Atlanta.
I don't know where we are! Hey, you better hurry.
They're starting soon.
You know what's messed up? This is all for charity.
All the proceeds are going to Oxfam.
I hope we're not too late.
You should not be out here.
Bidding is about to start.
What the hell? Stewie! The current bid is $200,000.
Oh, my God.
Going once, twice Sold for $200,000.
Remember: There is cash back when you use your Visa Gold.
Our next item appears to be a late entry.
It is not in the catalog.
What the hell? All right, fellas, bring the lights up a bit, play the CD I gave you and let's do this! ("California Gurls" by Katy Perry playing) California girls, we're unforgettable Ah, that's right.
You like that? I have $50,000.
Daisy Dukes, bikinis on top I have $75,000.
Sun-kissed skin so hot Thank you, Brett Ratner.
We'll melt your popsicle Do I have $100,000? Oh, for God's sake.
$500,000.
We have $500,000.
Going once, going twice, sold to the man who doesn't quite get auctions.
That was so fun.
How do you be paying? Oh, I, uh, I don't have any money.
Can we work it out, uh, maybe, some other way? Wait a minute.
Something doesn't smell funny here.
You're not Arab! You two are coming with me.
This next girl is perfect for those of you who want to buy a sex slave but don't want to spend sex-slave money.
Oh, my God, Meg! Wonder what music they're gonna use for her? ("Let's Make A Deal" zonk musical cue playing) Huh, seems about right.
Damn it.
We were so close to saving Meg.
Hey, where's my sister? She's probably having her shish kabobbed as we speak.
I heard that from Samantha in Sex and the City 2.
Ah-ba-ba-ba-ba, I haven't seen it yet.
That doesn't hurt the story.
And now prepare to We have a jail cell.
I always tell them, "Put the prisoners in the jail cell," but they always say, "Just chain 'em up to a pipe.
" Idiots.
Hey, that was some good teamwork, Brian.
We were like Lewis and Clark and the guy who likes to tip over canoes.
Ugh, these rapids are treacherous.
We should reach calmer waters by nightfall.
Uh-oh! Earthquake! Hey, come on! Careful! Damn it.
Why is he still with us? I know! Until now, walking to the other end of the United States seemed like such a good job.
There she is! Hurry! Stewie, what are you doing? We'll never catch a speeding car on foot.
Haven't you ever seen an action movie? All we have to do is cut diagonally across any nearby field.
See? Aw, crap, they're taking her onto that yacht.
All right, we just gotta catch up to the boat.
Well, how we gonna do that? Oh, cool! They got Car Chase GPS.
Back up dangerously into traffic.
Proceed wrong way down busy street for 500 meters.
Say "hang on" and drive down staircase.
Hang on! Poorly edited shot where driver is obviously stuntperson.
Leave fart in closed car like a dick.
Sorry about that! All right, they're probably holding her below deck.
You take the right side.
I'll take the left.
You're gonna need this.
What? I-I-I've never killed anybody before.
Relax, they're Arabs.
People will still be rooting for you.
Hey! Son of a bitch.
Oh.
This is like a video game.
Ah, I'm kinda good at this.
Later, dink.
That's for shooting one of our guys! We got you! In your face! Our boat! Our boat! This boat! Let me go, you fat bastard! I will never be your sex slave! You misunderstand.
I did not buy you to be my slave.
I bought you for my son, and not to be his slave, but to be his wife.
Wife? Faisal! This is Faisal, my son and the heir to my throne.
My father was correct.
Your beauty knows no bounds.
Fair goddess, it is my hope that you will agree to be my wife, but the choice is yours.
If you say "no," I will have you flown back to your family on our private jet.
But if you say "yes," I will spend the rest of my days making your every wish come true.
Will you be my wife, Princess Meg? Oh, yes! Yes! Nooooo! Stewie? Hi, Meg.
Oh honey, we are so glad to have you back but you really don't remember anything? Not really, Mom.
I mean, one minute, I was being proposed to by a handsome Arabian prince, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in a French hospital.
Oh, and we heard from Ruth's parents.
She had her tongue ripped out.
I guess we got off easy, huh? Well, we put all your mail on the desk in your room, sweetheart.
Thanks, Dad.
I'm kidding.
You didn't get any mail.