Family Guy s10e21 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Wow, congratulations on your grand re-opening, Mort.
Looks like your customers are comin' back.
Thanks, Lois.
It's good to be up and gouging again.
Oh, careful.
Watch out there, Brian.
Looks like the floor is wet.
Excuse me.
I'm kind of in a hurry Son of a bitch! Oh, my God! Are you okay? I'm sorry.
I've been a little distracted lately.
I think my wife has been crossing the street with another man.
God, I hope Alan doesn't find out.
Hey, forget that klutz.
Hmm, maybe this one.
Hey.
Lookin' at you pretty normal, huh? No! Aw, fudge.
Wait, I know! I'll figure this out.
Th-the pieces are all there.
I-I'll go home and figure this out.
Aw, cool.
Hey Mort, what's this thing? Oh, that? That's my "Come In! We're Open" sign.
What's that, like an iPad? No, it's a sign.
Wish I had one of those.
I've got a whole box of them.
Take it.
It's yours.
No charge.
Ugh, typical Jew.
Coming this fall from the producers of Gone Baby Gone, comes the riveting sequel: Gone Severely Disabled Baby Gone.
I promise you we are going to find your daughter.
Okay, but, you know, do-do what you can, but seriously, don't, like, kill yourself.
Oh, and if you do find her, honk this horn a couple times.
It's the only way to get her to stop biting you.
But again, no rush.
Peter, what are you doing? I'm just putting up my new sign.
Don't put that thing on our door.
If you want to hang it somewhere, hang it in the basement.
Oh, why? So you can hog it while you're doing laundry? No way.
Peter, we're not a business.
Hey, I saw your sign.
So, you're open? That's right.
What do you do? What do you need? Milk.
We have milk.
Peter, I told you, I don't like all these strangers walking around in our house.
They're not strangers, Lois; they are our valued customers.
And if we don't show them we appreciate their loyalty, they're gonna go someplace else.
For what?! Not to alarm anyone, but some guy took me in the closet and tried me on.
She's right, Dad.
None of this makes any sense.
Meg, go take your ten.
And you may consider this a verbal warning.
Peter, I want these people to leave.
I fit, by the way.
Lois, I'd love nothing more than to sit here and chat with you, but I have a business to run.
Hi there.
May I help you folks? Yes, my family and I would like our portrait painted.
Well, you came to the right place.
Looking good.
Almost done.
And there.
Done.
What have you done?! I painted the truth.
I painted my truth.
Gimme a spin, sweetie.
What do you think, Mom? Is that the most beautiful bride you've ever seen? I love it! Oh, it's just so much money.
It's true.
It's true.
Take the dress off, sweetheart.
Your mother says you can't have it.
W-wait, wait, wait a minute.
Do you really love it? I do.
It just feels like my wedding dress.
Oh, Mom, she loves it.
Okay.
We'll take it.
Peter, what is that girl doing in my wedding dress?! She gone? No.
Okay, well, while I'm down here let me give you my card.
There you go.
Here you go.
A half pound of honey maple turkey, sliced thin.
I wanted a duplicate key made.
You have a good one.
Oh, hey, Joe.
What's going on? Peter, I'm afraid I'm here to shut you down.
You're running an unlicensed business, and that's against the law.
Aw, that is such bullcrap.
Well, you can't fight City Hall.
Oh, we'll see about that! City Hall knows karate.
I'm sorry, Peter, but the government makes the rules.
I just enforce them.
I don't believe this, Joe.
This is like living in Russia.
I might as well just move there.
You don't want to do that.
It's dark; it's cold; and hooking up is just a crapshoot 'cause of all the big coats.
All right, drop the coats on three.
One two three! Yeah! Oh Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom? Who the starts a conversation like that? I just sat down.
Geez, what's your problem, Peter? I'm sorry, Quagmire.
I'm still just upset about the damn government sticking its nose in my business.
I hear ya.
Wasting our tax dollars on ridiculous causes.
We gotta protect bald eagles? Bald eagles should be allowed to make their own decisions! Honey, I don't care that you're bald.
I find you just as attractive.
It's not about you.
It's about my confidence as an eagle architect.
Just for Eagles will give you thicker, fuller, more natural hair so you can just focus on eagle stuff.
You're an excellent architect.
Freakin' government.
Giving all the good hoses to firemen.
I want them hoses.
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
And I'm Joyce Kinney.
Is it real or just another excuse for kids these days to forget their manners? But first, thousands are expected for tomorrow's Tea Party rally celebrating their new Quahog headquarters.
That's right, Joyce.
The Tea Party has gained a sizable following based on their message of low taxes, limited government, and happy birthday, Tom Oh, my God, you guys! Tea Party, huh? Well, I'd like to be part of a movement, but what movement would want an angry fat guy with a lot of opinions who hates listening? For more details on the Tea Party platform, we now go to this totally boss fireworks show.
Oh, my God! That's everything I believe in! Why are they trying to take that away from us? I hear ya.
Well, that's it.
I am going down to that rally tomorrow and I am joining the Tea Party! Oh, wait, that's the same time as my men's knitting club, although they have been really critical lately.
You're still not knitting honestly, Peter.
You're knitting like you want us to like you.
It's not coming from inside.
It's very superficial.
Thank you! You've made my decision easier! Yes! That! Knit that! Good Tea Party morning, everyone! Peter, you joined the Tea Party?! That's right, Brian.
I finally got something better to do with my Saturdays than sit at the mall and watch Japanese girls laugh at normal conversation.
So, I drove to work this morning And I had to stop for coffee.
So, there's a Starbucks near my house.
You people are a circus.
Finally, I'm part of a movement of regular people trying to take back our government.
Look, the Tea Party isn't the grassroots movement you think it is.
It's actually funded by Big Business types who are using you to get the government out of their way so they can roll over everyone.
Mom held hands with a woman at the gas station this morning.
Don't know what that means.
Just reporting it.
All I'm saying is you're being used and you're too clueless to know it.
Boy, you just think you're so superior, don't you? Like that first creature to walk on dry land.
Hey, where'd you go? Ah, I went for a jog.
What's a jog? It's a great way to stay in shape is what it is.
Is it like a swim? No, no, it's, it's nothing like a swim.
Wow, a lot of people here today.
Yeah.
Man, I love street fairs.
They got rides, games, and ethnic food cooked horribly by white Americans.
Tack-os! Hot tack-os here! Oh, are those tack-os? You better believe they're tack-os.
I love tack-os! Especially on a corn tor-tilla.
Oh! I love tack-os on a corn tor-tilla! Boy, they're really against socialism.
That's right.
The Tea Party is all about self-reliance.
Look, there's even a Tunnel of Self-Love.
Would you like to buy a photo of yourself on the ride, sir? No, I would not.
Welcome, everyone! It's great to see so many regular people out here.
Folks who are tired of big government and are ready to stand up for their rights.
Yeah! Down with the Spend-o-crats! We are Marshall! And now, it's my privilege to introduce another regular, blue-collar guy, our Quahog chapter spokesman: Joe Workingman! Good afternoon, friends and socioeconomic equals! Is anyone else out there sick of government crap? Oh, my God.
It's like he's saying everything I'm listening to.
That's right.
The government wants to tell you what foods to eat.
And what church you can go to.
And that you can't own a chimpanzee because you're not responsible enough.
I would feed it! Also, the government wants to tell you how many children you can have.
What?! No! And the government wants to tell you you can't throw your old TVs into the river.
Then how I supposed to find TV? If you join the Tea Party, together, we can fix all that.
But you probably don't wanna join the Tea Party because all you get are these stupid, awesome keychains! Oh, my God, it's the keychain from the dream! I got to say that guy made a lot of sense.
He sure did.
The government's really gotten outta hand.
Yeah, those bastards have ruined everything.
The same way the Village People ruined any gathering of a cop, an Indian chief, and a construction worker.
Oh, my God, can we get a picture with you guys? We're not those guys.
Yes, please leave us alone.
We're very busy.
Now, where were we? Oh, yeah.
We've gotta solve that security problem for the Indian Casino we're constructing.
Hey, you guys want to head to the Clam? I'll catch up with you.
I got to hit the john.
Hey, buddy.
Is there a bathroom around here, or a second floor window? Carter?! Oh hey.
You're involved with the Tea Party? Wait a minute.
This is what Brian was warning me about: that the Tea Party is run by rich guys who are only out for themselves.
Brian? You mean that arrogant, unemployed dog of yours? Peter, he's just one of those liberal elites who spreads lies and hates patriots.
Yeah, he kinda is.
You and I are both businessmen who work hard and pay taxes.
Except that I make Yeah, we're the same, you and me.
You know, Peter, the truth is, I could actually use a regular guy like you to help get our message out, and I know Joe Workingman agrees with me.
Love to have you on board, Peter.
Wow, thanks, Joe.
You can count on me.
Aw, Carter, you just missed Joe Workingman.
Oh, I think he'll know I was here.
I'm not sure what's happening.
Oh, hi, Peter.
How was your rally? Oh, it was great, and now I know it's the right cause to get behind 'cause a smart guy like your dad is involved.
What, Carter was at the Tea Party rally? Yeah, he was running the whole thing.
Peter, what did I tell you about rich guys? Look, I know what you're thinking, Brian, but don't worry; it's all okay.
Turns out you're the enemy.
They're the ones who are on our side.
Oh, of course, Carter Pewterschmidt, an industrialist with oil refineries in this city, is on your side.
He wants to get rid of environmental regulations for you.
Brian, he doesn't get sarcasm.
No, it's not just environmental regulations, Ban.
Carter wants to get rid of the whole city government of Quahog.
He even put me in charge of the PR campaign to do it.
Get rid of the government? Peter, if I know my dad, he's probably using you.
Lois, I'm so glad you're done with the dishes so that you can hang out and chime in on this.
Actually, Peter, I haven't done the dishes.
Oh, you haven't? Well, then, I'm confused.
Oh, he does get sarcasm.
All right, now, remember, the Tea Party is a grassroots movement.
We're not covered by the lame-stream media, so we got to reach out to the common man individually.
Right, common man.
Hello.
Ah, geez, it's it's a girl.
May I speak to the man of the house? This is the woman of the house, and there is no man living here.
No? W-W-What is I-I how are you paying for this phone? I'm a lawyer.
Oh, I see, and are you in your little courthouse right now representing Barbie? Okay, one vote for the Tea Party.
All right, kiss government good-bye.
Yeah, I can't wait to fire all them city employees, starting with that half-asleep construction worker.
What the hell? W-W-Which one is it-- stop or go forward? This is a big deal.
They're not at all similar.
Ah, no, no, no, no.
You, sir, have lost my business.
People, please, first things first.
Is there anyone here for the couch off of Craigslist? I am.
Oh, good, come on in.
That is the picture from Craigslist.
No way it is.
It is.
No way it is.
All right, what do the rest of you want? We want the city government shut down.
Oh, I see.
And all of you feel the same way? - Yes! - No! Yes! Well, I'm nothing if not a public servant, and the public has made its feelings known.
I hereby declare Quahog's city government disbanded.
It has been my pleasure to serve you, and now I take my leave.
This column is mine.
I brought it from home.
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story: Quahog is now completely government-free, which means I'm free of all broadcast regulations, so no more trips to the bathroom for this reporter, just a big-ass coffee can under the desk.
Hello, family.
Peter, what the hell were you doing out there? You know, for years I've been sick of taking the roads home, so today I took the yards.
Didn't hit one light.
Man, getting rid of the government has been the best thing to happen around here in a long time.
That's right.
Without government I'm free to take a lot of mescaline and drive to Vegas.
Wait till you see Debbie Reynolds on stage.
Yeah, and now my Spanish teacher and I can finally hold hands in the halls.
¿Meg, dónde está la biblioteca? Because I'm going to bang you in the biblioteca.
Well, I'm glad you're all enjoying your freedom, but have you taken a look out the window lately? What is that? Where's all that smoke coming from? The Pewterschmidt Industries refinery, and it's not smoke; it's a giant cloud of pollution.
Oh, my God.
If that gets past the bad neighborhoods and reaches us, that's going to be a big problem.
They can't do that.
We should report them.
To who? There's no government.
Then it's up to us, the people, to find a solution.
Close the curtains.
Ah, Tea Party.
Damn it, this is what I was afraid was going to happen.
This town is going to go to hell.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
I'm glad we waited.
Giraffity.
Yeah, see, that's not mine.
Hey, Mort, what gives with the blond hair? Yeah, you look weird like that.
Historically, in instances of mass lawlessness, the first thing they do is round up the Jews.
Excuse me, fellow Aryan, have you seen any Jews around? Is there a reward? Wait a minute.
Are you Jewish? I mean, uh, unashamed locker room nudity.
This guy's kosher.
Oops.
Let's get him! Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
It's day five of the new government-less Quahog, and I'm wearing a T-shirt.
Tom, I don't think the government was requiring you to wear a suit.
Well, they were stopping me from punching you in the face.
Is that what you want? No, you know what? You know what? Give me your wallet.
What? You heard me, I said give me your wallet.
This is a crappy wallet.
You have bad stuff.
Oh, what the hell? Lois, the TV went off again.
It's the electricity, Peter.
There are power lines down, and there's no one to fix 'em.
The cops don't come, the toilets don't flush, and there's garbage piling up in the streets.
Ryan Phillippe's been out there for days.
Would anyone like to be impregnated? We had a nice town, Peter.
I had a nice life, but you and your antigovernment buddies ruined it.
Hey, so how's that Tea Party going, huh? More like T.
P.
Party.
Toilet paper.
I don't know what happened, Brian.
Not having a government worked great in Somalia, but somehow we seem to have botched it all up.
Looks that way.
Wait a minute.
There might be a way out of this.
What? We just talk to the guy who got us into this.
He'll know what to do.
Mr.
Pewterschmidt.
Mr.
Pewterschmidt.
Go away.
But, Mr.
Pewterschmidt, you got to do something.
The potholes ain't getting fixed no more.
The stoplights ain't working.
Tampon commercials no longer use blue liquids in their demonstrations.
Make it blue.
That's always been the deal! You show whatever you want, but you make it blue! Come on.
You got to help us out.
Go to hell.
I don't think he's going to help, Peter.
But if rich people aren't looking out for us, who is? Well, maybe we need to look out for each other.
Come on, Brian.
It's time to make this right.
Wait, before you go, take two steps to the left.
Look up.
Okay, smile.
Aw, I suck.
People of Quahog, I have something to say.
Now that we've freed ourselves from the terrible shackles of government, it's time to replace it with something better.
The first thing we need is a system of rules that everyone must live by.
Got to have rules.
And since we can't spend all our time making rules, I think that we should elect some people to represent us, and they should make rules and choices on our behalf.
That's probably a good idea.
Now, this may be kind of expensive, so I got a plan: everyone should have to give some money from their salaries each year.
Poor people will give a little bit of money and rich people will give a larger amount of money, and our representatives will use all that money to hire some people who will then provide us with social order and basic services.
Ugh, there's not one shirt I wish I had out there.
Now, it won't be perfect.
Some of our representatives may end up being bastards.
But you know what? That's okay 'cause later we're going to have more elections, and we can use those elections to get rid of the bad guys and replace 'em with good guys, and then the system will just keep going on and on just like that.
So who's with me? Will you join me in trying this new crazy thing? Then let's do it.
Yeah, and we did it all without government.
I'm very proud of you, Peter.
Oh, Lois, that means nothing to me.
I only care what they say on the Internet message boards.