Cheers s10e22 Episode Script

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Woody.
I hear that you and Kelly are having a hard time getting a wedding ring.
That's right, Carla.
They're pretty expensive, you know.
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
And you know, I'm not gonna be able to afford to get you kids the kind of present you really deserve, so, on the way over here I stopped by my bank, and, uh, I took this out of my safety deposit box.
Oh, Carla, that's a beaut! Yeah, I know.
It's solid silver.
It's been in my family for years.
My great uncle Amerigo gave it to my great aunt Sophia, and then I was gonna give it to my youngest girl, but she inherited the Tortelli knuckles.
Oh, Carla, I could never take it.
Oh, Woody, I- I want you to have it.
Well, at least let me give you something for it.
I have $500 in my budget.
Well, if it makes you feel better.
Well, you know, the thing is, uh, Kelly really prefers gold.
Oh.
Well, I got it in gold, too.
Perfect.
Hey, does she need any earrings? # Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Oh, hey, Mr.
Peterson, that's quite a haircut.
Yeah, well, they're only halfway done, Woody.
I got a little thirsty.
You know what I mean? Give me a beer.
Hi, Woody.
Oh, hey, Kelly.
What are you doing here? I wanted to spend the afternoon with Mr.
Peterson and Mr.
Clavin.
Boy, you've been spending a lot of time with them lately.
What's up? I thought it would be a good idea for me to get to know your friends.
Why? Because when we get married, and you turn to me and say, "Kelly, I'm gonna spend a night on the town," and I burst into tears and ask you to spend just one night at home, and you say, "I'm gonna be with my friends," well, I want to know who those friends are.
Boy, could I sing a couple bars of that.
So, what do you guys talk about? Oh, the usual.
How the Celtics need a point guard, the Sox need pitching, the fact that there's an exact replica of the earth on the other side of the sun that we can never see.
Wow.
Really? The Sox need pitchers? Well, on this earth.
Anyway, Woody, if you'll excuse me now, one of your friends is gonna teach me how to play pool.
Oh, which one? I don't remember his name, but he's the man from the CIA who trains the Green Berets.
Let's go, tootsie.
We're up.
Do you realize it's been 18 years since we've seen each other? Me, too.
I can't wait.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
You'll never guess who that was.
Your dental hygienist? Come on.
Be serious.
Guess.
Okay, I'll be serious.
I don't really care.
Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway.
It was Mark Newberger.
We have not seen each other since graduation night.
Oh, Mark Newberger.
We met doing The Bad Seed in our sophomore production.
He was my first boyfriend.
I really loved him.
Maybe he was the only guy I've ever really loved.
I don't know why I gave him up.
Oh, I guess I wanted to go off to college and be free, that whole deal.
I don't know.
What an idiot.
Why would I ever give him up? Nobody's listening to you.
I am trying to pretend like I have a friend, okay? Wait.
What am I saying? I do have a friend.
I don't need to pretend.
Mark Newberger is back, and he's better than any friend you have! I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.
Anybody in here know this guy? Sam! My God, what's the matter? We found him out in the middle of the street staring at an empty parking space, muttering to himself, shouting at people.
My corvette! They stole my 'Vette! Frasier, have you seen my 'Vette? Oh, Sam, I'm afraid not.
Well, Sam, stop by the station house sometime and fill out a report.
Then you'll give me my 'Vette back! Whatever you say.
Oh, God.
I left it outside! What was I thinking? I should have stayed with it! Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, Normie, I'm gonna miss that car.
Here, take a look at that.
Wow.
That's you next to Sammy's 'Vette.
Yeah.
Truth be told, I, uh I tell the ladies it's mine.
Yeah.
Wait.
That's not even your body.
It's Sammy's body with your head superimposed.
Yeah, you'd be surprised what Ma can do in a darkroom.
Yeah.
Yeah, we got one of, uh, me at the Yalta conference.
Yeah.
You-You should see the look that Churchill's giving me.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh! I suppose one of us ought to go over and cheer Sammy up.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Well, I'll do it.
I, uh I got a flair for this kind of thing.
You just, uh, stay there and drink your beer.
Okay.
We all have to play to our strengths, I guess.
Oh, Sammy.
Sammy, Sam, Sammy.
Gee, you know, I, uh, heard about the bad news.
I'm really sorry, pal.
It's, uh, terrible what these guys do.
You know, they, uh, just pluck your car right up off the street and take it to what's, uh, commonly known as a chop shop.
Yeah, where they unceremoniously dismantle it, and after that, the felons take an acetylene torch, and, uh, just methodically cut the frame into little, tiny pieces.
Cliff, do you really think any of this helps? Well, it sure as heck keeps the car from being traced, Sam.
Uh, hi.
I'm looking for Rebecca Howe.
She's over there.
Rebecca? My God, Rebecca, you're beautiful! Who'd have ever thought that you would've developed into this gorgeous creature?! No, Mark! Over here! Rebecca, you haven't changed a bit! My God, look at that hair! If you had any more, I could get you listed as an endangered species! Well, come on, turn around, turn around.
Let me see.
Let me see.
Oh, I like it.
More to love.
Me? What about you?! Hey, I'm bulking up for the Olympics.
You'll never guess what.
I finally gave up smoking.
Oh, I can tell.
Your voice sounds so much better.
Sam? Sam, I want you to meet somebody.
Sam, this is Mark Newberger.
Mark Newberger, this is Sam Malone.
Sam owns the bar.
Let me go get some of my other friends.
Okay.
Hey, guys, guys, I want to introduce you to somebody! Somebody stole my car.
Oh, I've been there.
Yeah? Really? Yeah, my ex-lover.
First he stole my heart, then he stole my car.
He? Aren't you supposed to be Rebecca's old flame? Well, I'm not that old.
Thank God he didn't steal the water bed, the lying little tramp.
Meow! Like you were there.
Mark, I want you to meet all my friends.
All right, this is Dr.
Sternin-Crane, our resident researcher.
This is Cliff Clavin, our resident trivia expert.
This is Norm Peterson, our resident.
Uh, this is Woody, the bartender and Carla, the waitress.
And what do you do, Rebecca? Shut up! Thought I could trick her into telling us.
Oh, Lilith, I feel so victimized.
I feel so angry.
I don't know what to do.
Well, actually, Sam, this is precisely how victim support groups got started.
People who were suffering and unable to cope found they felt better if they were able to share those feelings.
Well, maybe I should try to get in one of those groups.
I wonder if they have a group for people who have had high-performance automobiles stolen.
You had a car stolen? Yeah.
What kind was it? '64 Corvette.
'57 Tee-Bird two weeks ago today.
Oh, man.
Does it still really hurt inside? Sometimes more than others.
Like, when I'm late for work, and I run out of the house and try and jump in it.
Just end up in the gutter weeping.
Oh, man, I hear you, I hear you.
It just isn't fair.
Oh, no kidding.
You know, when bad things happen to good-looking people.
Oh, here's you in glee club.
Captain of the debate team.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, Mark, you Oh, look, Water Polo Champion.
Oh.
Head of the prom committee.
Most likely to succeed.
Are you in there, Miss Howe? Well, sure I am.
Here.
I I know I am.
Wait.
There.
Oh, yes.
Yes, there's my elbow on protest day.
Oh.
What were you protesting? Oh, I-I don't know.
The war, cafeteria food, the bomb.
Uh, it's just a real neat way to meet kids.
Look at this.
ready to graduate and take on the world.
Wait a minute.
You graduated from high school when you were 18? What, did Daddy pull some strings? Look at this! Look, look, look, look, look! Here's our production of South Pacific.
Oh, Mark, you were the most powerful Emile de Becque.
Oh, and you were a great one of the nurses that washed Nellie Forbush's hair.
Hey, Kelly, how's it going back there? Oh, fine.
I just came out to get myself a soda and some suds for the Philster.
Kelly, why are you doing this? I want Woody's friends to like me.
Did you buy them a round? Yes.
You'll never get rid of them.
You know, Carla, you're the only one of Woody's friends that I haven't spent time with yet.
Let's you and I have a chat, hmm? I'd better put on my thinking cap.
Oh, doll, I have got to run.
Kiss, kiss.
Oh, Mark, so soon? Yeah.
Well, I found this great apartment, but the rent is sky-high, so I'm interviewing roommates.
This could be exhausting.
Later.
So that was the old boyfriend, huh? Yeah.
Can you believe it? How could I have been so stupid? I should have seen it way back in high school.
Well, we all have our blind spots.
Yeah.
This one was just staring me right in the face.
He is the perfect man for me.
I think this is the man that I'm gonna marry! Mr.
Peterson.
Yeah? It's your barber on the phone, and he says it's been two days.
He wants to know when you're coming back.
What should I tell him? Tell him what I tell Vera.
Uh, he'll be home after one more.
Yeah, I'll tell you, Cliffie, uh, when it comes to photography, your ma's quite a hotshot.
Yeah, yeah, she's pretty good.
Uh, you like this one, huh? Yeah.
That's me planting Old Glory on the lunar surface.
Here's my favorite.
It's you getting hitched to Princess Di.
Yeah, what a day that was.
Excuse me, is this where the victim support group is meeting? Yeah, right over by the office there.
I'll be right with you.
There you go.
Sam, uh, am I to understand that you took it upon yourself to form a victim support group? I think that's an excellent idea.
Well, actually, it was Lilith's idea.
It'll never work, I hope you know.
You Tom's friend? Oh, yeah, I'm, uh, Kirby, covered hardtop, sun fire yellow, 427 high performance engine.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hi, hi, I'm Sam, I spoke to you on the phone.
'64 ragtop, black interior, rally red with, uh, knock-off hubs.
Good to know you, man.
Yeah.
This is '70 Cutlass Supreme convertible, uh, white interior with overdrive.
I'm sorry, I'm not very good with names what's your name? Sam.
Sam, right.
Shall we? Honey, come on, sweetheart.
We we got the office here, thank you.
Sorry.
I'm almost ready for my big date.
Hey, guys.
Don't wait up for me.
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
If she was only a horse with a broken leg or something, we could shoot her.
Well, hey, Norm, Norm, Normie, we we've got to tell her.
Come on.
One of us has got to tell her let's go.
One, two, three.
All right! My rock smashes your scissors.
Oh, no, not these scissors, pal.
What? This is a, uh, special titanium steel alloy Oh, give me a break! Developed by NASA for the space program.
These scissors would smash your rock to smithereens, pal.
No, no, no, not this rock this rock happens to be Kryptonite, from the planet Krypton.
Oh, for crying out Maybe you've heard of it, huh? Sounds to me like you guys are trying to get out of telling her.
Oh, well, gee, Woody, if you're so brave, why don't you, uh, go back there and tell her? All right, I will.
'Cause you know what? That's what friends do.
They look out for each other.
If one friend knows something that another friend needs to know, then he lets them know, even if it's difficult.
That's what friendship is all about.
What am I supposed to tell her? Tell her that her friend, Mark, is gay.
Oh, I could never tell her that.
Okay.
Hey, girls, here's a little trick I learned in high school.
You put on your lipstick then you powder them.
That way, when you're making out, you don't get the lipstick all over the boy.
Aha.
Rebecca, I believe you're laboring under a misconception Oh, no, Lilith.
Rebecca, you see, what Lilith is trying to say is that the powder isn't gonna keep the lipstick off the boy, but if he really cares, he's not gonna mind.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So just go on out and have a great time.
Oh, thank you, guys! Bye! Why didn't you let me tell her? 'Cause it would be wrong.
It-It's not our place to interfere with their personal lives.
That's why they're called "personal lives.
" It's not our place to play God.
Well, actually, I pulled down 60 big ones last year playing God, but I see your point.
And I owe you an apology.
I actually thought you didn't want to tell her so that she would be humiliated, at which point you would make fun of her.
See how wrong you were? How was your date last night, Rebecca? Get lucky? Okay, let's talk some more about how we feel about having our cars stolen.
Alice, you want to start off? I feel empty.
Okay.
Empty, how? Like a Crock-Pot? Let me let me just respond to what Alice just said, you know, that that Crock-Pot thing.
Yeah, yeah, that's me.
Sometimes when I'm walking down the street, I think I see my car out of the corner of my eye.
Let me, let me just say something here, you That that "corner of the eye" thing yeah, that's me.
Guys, you I just thought of something, you know.
I mean, maybe our cars weren't actually stolen.
Maybe maybe they were just towed by the city and it's and it's taking them time to to process the paperwork and, you know and, uh I think what Kirby's going through here is what they call denial.
I feel so silly! Oh, no, man, come on, don't say that, don't be This is not silly; this is beautiful.
This is what it's all about.
You know, I think it's true.
Suffering does bring people together.
I tell you, I feel very close to you all right now.
I- I just want to say I I treasure our friendship.
Hey, Sam.
Police called they just found your car.
Okay, meeting's over.
That was a great dinner tonight.
I haven't had osso buco that good in years.
What the hell is osso buco anyway? You don't want to know.
Mark, I-I had the greatest evening tonight.
Well, we're gonna have a lot of great nights.
I want to pick up right where we left off.
Do you want to start right now? Sure.
Okay.
You just make yourself comfortable, and I'll be right back.
I feel like we're in high school again, don't you, Marcus Aurelius? Yes, I do, Beckus Aurelius.
You remembered my Latin name.
Well, how could I forget? You're the one who got me through Mr.
Vincent's Latin class.
Oh, Mr.
Vincent I forgot all about him.
Oh, God, I had such a crush on that man.
Who didn't? Here I am.
Be still, my heart.
Do you like what you see, Mark? It's gorgeous.
Get over here.
Give us a feel.
Okay.
Fabulous.
Give it is it silk? Rayon? I don't believe it! So what do you do, you put it in a delicate cycle, let it spin? We have to talk.
Mark, stop joking.
You know perfectly well that the point of this nightie is not laundry instructions.
The point of this nightie is to To what? You know a man and a woman Where? Oh, Mark.
Rebecca, you know I'm gay, don't you? Why, of course, I do! Why do you think I feel so comfortable wearing this in front of you? I mean, this is my housecoat! I know it's sexy, but I paint in it.
You're gay? Don't tell me you didn't know.
I mean, usually I assume that somebody is straight until I find out they're not.
That's funny, I usually assume people are gay until I find out they're not.
Sometimes we find out together.
Oh.
I'm the one, aren't I? Yeah, I'm the one that put you off girls.
No, Rebecca.
No, no, really, go ahead, you can say it.
I've heard it before.
Rebecca, if anything, you confused me.
You're the only woman I've ever been attracted to.
Thank you.
Oh, look at you you're getting goose bumps.
Come on, let's cuddle up on the couch with a blanket, huh? So we both like men? Yep.
Are we stupid or what? They're so insincere and they're inconsiderate, rude.
They lie, they cheat on you.
Men.
Men.
You know, things really would have been a lot easier if I was attracted to women.
Me, too.
You want to watch some TV? Yeah, sure.
Maybe there's an old movie on, huh? Rebecca.
Hmm? What are you doing? Looking for the remote control.
It's on the coffee table.
You can't blame me for trying.