Family Guy s10e22 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Hello, I'm Brian Griffin.
And I'm Stewie Griffin.
A few years ago, we did an episode called "Viewer Mail" where you, our fans, wrote in and suggested ideas for new episodes.
Well, it's ten years later, but you're still sending in ideas.
Uh, to Rashad in Little Rock, we wanna let you know we kicked around idea, "Make the Baby Go Wild" for a while, couldn't really find an angle on it.
Here's one from Lee Mills of Iowa.
Lee writes: "Dear Family Guy, was your show based on anything?" That's a great question, Lee.
In fact, Family Guy is based on an American television series called The Simpsons.
Actually, Family Guy, much like The Office, is based on a British series called Chap of the Manor.
Let's watch.
We now return to Britain's most popular game show Wheel of Politeness! Do go ahead, then.
Oh, no, you first.
Wouldn't dream of it.
Too kind, really, I insist.
Wouldn't be proper of me.
I appreciate your courtesy.
Likewise.
Well, we're all out of time.
Join us same time tomorrow if it's not entirely inconvenient for you.
If so, of course, we do understand and we do apologize in advance.
This has all been an imposition.
I'm so dreadfully sorry.
Sorry! Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry, everyone! All right, kids, enough telly.
I hope everyone's peckish for some boiled lamb shank.
None for me, Lydia.
I'm meeting me mates down at the pub.
Again? But Neville, you spend all your time down at the Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock.
And that's where you're wrong.
The Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock is for tossers.
We're meetin' at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf! But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth.
I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning.
Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here.
Have a whole carton of fags! I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favour.
I look on you with favour.
I look on all of you with favour.
Shut up, British Meg.
Look at Lydia.
What a two-bit Wichita whore.
One of these days, she's gonna wake up killt.
Ah, matricide.
Yet another of your childhood whims.
No, it ain't.
I'm gonna follow through with Wait, why'd you say it like that? Cutaway, sir? Yes, that's good then.
Friends, family, and characters random To bring you joy and laughter in tandem To divert and dazzle is our intention So sit back, relax, and enjoy our invention.
Ah, I love summer.
Good evening, Billingsbury.
I'm Clive Crowley.
Coming up: a man with a gun and two bullets has taken over the city of Manchester.
But first, our top story tonight: Her Majesty, the Queen, will be passing through our very town tomorrow.
With details, we now go live to Indian reporter, Tricia Dasgupta.
Oh, my golly, there is much commotion.
Thank you, Tricia.
After the interval, find out which 12 football teams tied tonight.
The Queen's comin' to Billingsbury? That's bloody sweet! You know, I'm actually a relation of the royal family.
You most certainly are not.
Where would you get that idea? Me mum used to claim she was a Windsor.
And I always heard my Nana talk about how she took a duke.
Must've been a difficult marriage, too, 'cause every afternoon she'd be belly-achin' about her bloody duke.
I think you just had a gross grandmother.
No, I'm quite sure of it.
And to prove it, I'm gonna nick one of the Queen's hairs during her visit tomorrow.
And when the DNA proves a match, you'll see I'm royalty.
The Queen, eh? I'd like to mash my banger in her blood pudding.
Googity.
Googity.
Glop.
Hello, lads.
Oh, hello, Seamus.
Right fine performance at the cricket match today.
Aye.
I was spirited to have you down there watching me.
Well, it's a brilliant day for a long and confusing game of cricket.
The field is teeming with men in helmets who don't seem like they need helmets, and men not in helmets who seem like they probably should be wearing helmets.
Oh, he's batted it clear out of the stadium.
Is that good? We don't know, but it's what we do! Y-Yay! Boo! Boo! Boo! Oh my goodness, the Queen is going to be here presently.
This is oh-so-exciting! My favorite part before the Queen arrives is yelling "wanker" at Prince Charles as he passes.
Wanker! Wanker! I know, I know.
Wanker! Wanker! Yes, I know.
Yes.
Wanker! You're a wanker! Wanker! Right, quite right.
Spot on.
He's got it.
I say, a lot of people have turned out to see the Queen.
Should make for a grand day.
Hey, watch it there! Good show, old chap.
Well played.
Here she comes! Very well.
Time for action.
A lock of the Queen's hair shall soon be mine.
Here she comes.
Have at it then.
Crikey! This is a haircut fit for a queen! Oh, bloody hell! All right, time for Plan B.
Let's go! I'm not going any lower.
Well, Father, you gave it a good go.
Oh, we're not done yet.
Come on! Queen! Queen! Give me some of your hair! Come on, Queen! Don't be a bitch! Get us away from that lunatic! She's heading into that tunnel! Dear God! The Queen's dead! All right, Collingsworth, I got a hair.
Now, just walk away casual-like and we're in the clear.
Oh, no! Here come the coppers! Bugger.
Bugger.
Bugger.
Well, it turns out I'm not royalty.
Shame about the Queen, though.
Yeah, I reckon she's with Jesus Christ in heaven now.
Well, I'm just happy our family is safe and sound back in our cozy row house.
Row house.
We now return to The Comedy Central Roast of Robin Williams.
Aw, man, Robin Williams is my favorite! He must be getting recognized for all his contributions to show business.
I don't think that's what a roast is.
Robin, as a comic, it's an honor to be up here roasting you.
As a moviegoer, I want to punch you in the face.
Oh, that's funny.
Advocate violence.
And let's face it, Mork.
You're getting Nanu-Na-old! Stop it! You stop it! Robin Williams has a manic gift that gladdens a sad world and all he asks in return is our unceasing attention! How can you allow this?! Robin Williams has given us nothing but joy! I wish everyone was Robin Williams! Boy, that looks enticing.
Yeah, this is nice.
Oh, my God.
What happened? You were in a coma, and then I kissed you, and you woke up.
Like two days later.
Anyway, all your numbers are normal.
What numbers? No idea.
Well, congratulations.
You're gonna be just fine.
Oh, my God! You're You're Robin Williams! Ding! Thank you for playing "That's Obvious!" Tell him what he's won, Cletus! - Money! Ho-ho! Money.
Or as the Republicans call it, Mine! I hope this is covered by your HMO.
I was covered once by an HMO in San Francisco.
I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans! Ding-ding, Rice-A-Roni! Ah! You got all those references in there! Of course now everyone can afford health care because of Obama.
Yeah, you want a Band-Aid? No problem, turkey.
Come on down to Obama-Mart! The price is free, but yo ass better vote for me.
Ha! Political with a twist.
It's funny from the news! What's going on in here? You gotta check this out! It's Robin Williams! Ho-ho! A nurse is a nurse, of curse.
Up yours, Wilbur.
Oh, my God! Everyone I touch turns into Robin Williams! Yess! Peter Sweet Cheeks Griffin-uh! You have been given the power from god-uh! Ho-ho! Ho-ho! Ho-ho! I will be so responsible with this.
Thanks, guys! Ho-ho! Bye! See you, Peter! Y'all come back now, y'hear? It's Patch Adams Robin.
He cures stuff the fun way, not the medicine way.
So, somehow the lightning gave your dad the power to turn anyone I touch into Robin Williams.
Peter, did Dr.
Hartman say how long this was gonna last? There is no more Dr.
Hartman, Lois.
He's Robin Williams now.
Bet you kids never thought your dad would have superpowers, huh? Peter! Ho-ho! You pat my back, I pat yours, and Pat Robertson pats Mr.
Happy.
Yayuss! Praise Jesus with your Visa card! Max it out on the Lord, people! Oh, boy! And that's the second Southern preacher one.
Look, Brian! Meg is one of the sensitive, bearded Robin Williams characters.
Ha! You think that's funny, chief? Well, I My wife is dead.
Oh, I'm I'm sorry.
She's dead, chief.
Ho-ho! Dead.
The Grateful Dead.
Please do not take the brown acid.
It will turn you into a Martian.
Take me to your wiener.
Ho-ho! We're.
("Rockin' Robin" by Bobby Day playing) He rocks in the treetop all a day long Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' the song All the little birds on Jaybird Street Love to hear the robin goin' tweet-tweet-tweet Rockin' robin, tweet-tweet-tweet.
I don't know, Peter.
This all seems kind of creepy.
What do you mean? This is great! Everyone's hilarious now! What do you think, Quagmire? What? I can't hear a thing over this noise.
What?! This is unbearable! I think I got just the thing to cheer you up, Joe.
I know I said I was a leg man, but this is ridiculous.
Ho! I feel like a testicle on steroids.
Honey, I shrunk my nuts! Ho! Ha! Ho-ho! I'm a San Francisco pirate.
I Haight my Ashbury in these jeans! A lot of the material is repeated.
Mmm, Lois, your torso is so broad and solid.
Ah! You're not Lois! I can hear you! I'm not deaf! I don't believe that's real sign language! Brian, this is a disaster! I turned everyone into Robin Williams! You gotta help me! Yo-yo-yo! Peter G.
What's happening, dawg? Oh, Sideways Hat Robin.
Dear God, no! Gonna have some hot tea, baby, this morning! Run, Forrest, run! Run, Forrest, run! All right, Rupert, all we have to do is act like Robin Williams, and he'll think we've already changed.
Ho-ho! Scattered stream of references! Lots of energy! One good one for every ten! Ho-ho! Damn these hands! Mwah! Vell, I haven't been to temple in a while! Ah! Ladies and gentleman, The Doors! Ho-ho! Jogging! Running on empty! Ho-ho! Run, Forrest, run! Ho-ho! Ho-ho! Ho-ho! Ho-ho! I'm a Mercedes! Und vere are your papers? Are you from East or Vest Berlin? Vell, I'm from Vest Berlin, pilgrim.
Shut up! Ho-ho! Ho-ho! Ho-ho! Ho-ho! Stop riffing! Jump, Forest, jump! Must be a leap year, ho-ho! Time to lose some weight, dearie? No more comedy.
Guys, will you please settle down? Can we, can we settle down, please? Every everyone.
Everyone, can I have your attention? Oh, Captains! My Captains! I have an announcement to make: You are all free! You have been fired from the school.
Vietnam is over.
The hospital is closing.
Will Hunting is all better.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
Shut up.
Seriously, shut up.
Please, you are done here.
Go and spread your comedy to all corners of this country.
Wait, not you five.
I'm gonna keep you for an experiment.
Ho-ho! Eggs! Who came first, the chicken or the porn star? Ho-ho! The Porn Identity! Who am I? Oh, yeah! The pizza man! Baka-chikka-bwow-bwow! Ho-ho! Ho-ho! Peter, can you pass the coffee? Sure, Brian the dog.
Anything for my family.
Coffee now.
Here we go, here we go.
I guess Disney wouldn't let us do the Aladdin one.
Stewie, rise and shine.
Good morning, Stewie.
you.
You ready for the day, sweetie? Oh, someone needs a diaper change.
Are you proud of yourself? That this is what you do? Is this a dime? Did you swallow a dime? Yeah, wipe it off and put it back in your purse, you white trash hen.
There we go.
Who's my clean little boy? Ugh! Your roots are ridiculous.
I'm gonna grab your hair 'cause I like grabbing stuff.
Okay.
Okay, Stewie, let go.
Let, let go, Stewie.
Let go of Mommy's hair.
When I grow up, I'm never gonna call you.
I'm gonna be busy with my job and my family.
You'll be nothing.
Stewie, I want you to have my ring.
It's one of my most important possessions, and I want you to have it.
Okay, red flag.
Red flag, everybody! Hey, Stewie, wanna go down the slide? Um What's the matter? Ya never been down the slide before? Yeah, like, like a thousand times.
Just done it so much I'm bored with it, that's all.
All right, I guess we're doing this.
Whoa.
Come on down, Stewie! This is crazy.
This is crazy.
This is crazy.
All right, you can do this, Stewie.
Here we go.
Are you okay? Yeah, that wasn't so bad.
You might wanna move.
That farting Polish kid is coming down the slide.
Ah, Pavel! Hey, kid, come here.
I wanna see if I can still smell your mom's boobs on your mouth.
Why don't you go hump a pile of garbage? All right, here we go.
Classic.
Uh-oh.
Oh, God! Brian! Brian! Guess I'm going for a ride.
Why are we stopping? Oh, come on.
For God's sake, Brian.
It's just a squirrel.
Yeah! Oh, God! He can't hurt you anymore.
Hey there, little fella.
We sure got a lovely day for it, don't we? Stay away from my brother's butt.
Okay, Stewie, let's get that little face washed off.
Then you can play with your bath toys, huh? No, I hate getting my face washed! Oh, look! It's just Mr.
Frog! Hello, Mr.
Frog My God, how the hell do I keep falling for that? Now you play with your toys and I'll go get yo a nice, fluffy towel.
Stewart Griffin, explorer, adventurer, skin-diving international playboy.
I'm swimming at night 'cause I'm a slut and now I'm paying the price for it.
Hey, Stewie! Wow, looks like you got some cool bath toys in there.
Is it okay if I join ya? No! Hey, is that my froggie butt cloth? Okay, Stewie, bedtime's in ten minutes.
I'll be right back.
Hmm.
I think I have time for a quickie.
Excuse me, Mr.
Cobain.
Look, I know you're depressed.
Made some bad choices with women, but there's another way.
Haagen-Dazs, lots of Haagen-Dazs.
Well, let's see if it worked.
Here we go.
Ha! You're still alive, you fat.
Okay, Stewie, time for bed.
You want Mommy to read you a night-night story? Oh, how 'bout this one? "Good Night, Town from Footloose"? Who is this book for? Hey, Lois.
I'm home from the Clam.
You know what that means.
You spent the last ten minutes parked in front of the house crying in your car? Not now, Peter.
I'm doing story time with Stewie.
Yeah, scram, Drinky.
I got a story.
It's about the little penis that could.
It thinks it can, it thinks In fact, it's pretty sure it can.
It-It, it's gonna.
Hey, am I gonna have to handle this? Do you want me to handle this? Peter, just go wait in the bedroom.
I'll be right there.
Fine, but if I gotta pee first, this night's gonna be ruined.
Ruined.
Good night, sweetie.
Mommy loves you.
Huh? It's big, isn't it? Yes, Peter.
It's very big.
Yeah, it's big.
Oh, God, yes! Ah, yes Ah, yeah.
Oh, you're gonna use that thing, good.
I love you so much.