Frasier s10e22 Episode Script

F R A S I E R (10x22) - Fathers and Sons - What is this? St.
Osric's Pre-Kindergartener Academy and Day Care Center? Do I hear the pitter-patter of petite elite feet? No, no, no.
It's just that the wait list for St.
Osric's is up to four years.
So I thought we should get our application in now to be safe.
-Very wise, Niles.
You know, Lilith and I waited until Frederick was conceived before we enrolled him in private school.
Mr.
Procrastinator.
-Yes.
-It's pre-kindergarten.
They run around, they sing, they nap.
I mean, how special can St.
Osric's really be? Well, I hear the top 2% in coloring and putting away can pretty much write their own ticket.
Oh, Niles, guess who's coming to visit? Leland Barton.
-Really? From the Empire Club? -No, that's Barton Leland.
Leland Barton was Mom's research assistant.
They worked together closely for years.
I don't remember him.
-Oh, that's right.
We were just boys when he moved to France.
Apparently he gave up psychiatry and immersed himself in the Paris art world.
Today he sits on the board of the Paris Museum of Modern Art.
-Wow! It takes a brave man to just chuck it all.
Cross the ocean in pursuit of a new life in a new country.
-Or a brave woman.
Oh, yes, that's absolutely right.
That's exactly what you did.
Just like Dr.
Barton you bade farewell to the comforts of hearth and home, and filled your sails with the winds of change and adventure.
I never looked at it that way.
Now I'll have something to think about this afternoon when I'm rubbin' your dad's bum.
Hello, Roz.
-Hi.
-Hey, Roz, how was the dog park? Well, I got a phone number.
-Oh, nice.
Is that why you people have pets? To get dates? No, but it's a plus.
I've never met one person who didn't get at least one date through their pet.
-Well, meet me! Four years of high school and not a single encounter generated! Stupid fish.
Oh, that'll be Leland.
-Who's Leland? -He was Hester's research assistant.
Used to follow her around like a puppy.
I think he was always a little bit jealous of me, to be honest.
Not that he was alone.
Dr.
Barton! -Hello, Frasier.
Good to see you.
Let me take that for you.
-Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Hello.
My God, look at you.
I haven't seen you since you were about, what, seven years old.
And you still look good in a suit.
Martin, you have not changed a bit.
Oh, my hair's gray and I've got a bullet in my hip.
-Well, I'm bigger and balder, but I don't want to hear about it.
Well, you look exactly the same, too.
-Thank you.
And you must be I'm assuming you don't go by "Niles" anymore.
No, this is my producer Roz Doyle.
My brother's not here.
Ah.
My sincerest apologies.
You are a handsome woman.
And it's nice to meet you, too.
I guess I should be going.
-Oh, not on my account, I hope.
Please, Roz, stay if you like.
Can I get anybody a drink? Well, not unless you happen to have any sherry.
Oh, I think I can scare up a glass.
Roz? -Oh, I'll have a beer, please.
Well, I can handle that.
Come, sit down.
-Thank you.
So, I hear you worked with Frasier's mom.
-Yes, I did.
Did you know her? -No.
-Pity.
She was a remarkable woman.
Brilliant, playful, passionate.
I adored her.
-Here we are Welcome back to Seattle.
-Thank you.
-There we are.
This sherry is exquisite.
-Oh, thank you.
It's an Andalusian Amontillado I'm rather fond of.
A connoisseur.
I'm very surprised.
Most Americans think that sherry is just for cooking.
Oh, my brother and I have always had a taste for it.
Well, you didn't get any of that from me.
I always hated the stuff.
You know, come to think of it, so did your mom.
Can I help you? I'm sorry about that.
-Eddie, down.
Why is he doing that? I don't really know.
He used to do that to me.
But I'll tell you what, just don't get in a staring contest with him, that's what he wants.
Come on, Eddie, get down.
I'm sorry, I don't know what got into him.
I'll get him a treat.
-Frasier, this is remarkable.
You and I seem to have the same taste in art.
Rauschenberg,.
.
Otterson, African statuary and sculpture.
Although, I must confess, I'm not familiar with that one.
Oh, that's because while most Ashanti statues are intended to ward off evil spirits, this one was designed to distract me while my pockets were picked at the Kinshasa Airport.
You two have a lot in common.
Psychiatry and sherry and art -And furniture.
That is a Coco Chanel sofa unless I'm mistaken.
It is an exact replica of the one in her Paris atelier.
You know, not many people even notice it.
Well, not many people have passed out drunk on the original.
Oh, I would love to hear that story.
-Well you are in luck, because I love to tell it.
But first, let me thank you for making me feel so welcome.
I must confess, I had some reservations about returning to Seattle.
But you've dispelled them all.
To you.
Please.
What's the matter? -Nothing.
.
Okay, we just need to fill in a name and I can get the application over to St.
Osric's.
How can we have a name? I'm not even pregnant yet.
Well, it's not THE name, it's just a place holder.
Anything will do.
All right, how about, uh Simon? As in your brother with the substance abuse problem, Simon? There are other Simons, you know.
Simon Templar, Simon Legree Simon Chipmunk.
Not exactly building a case for "Simon".
How about Jill? -No, don't like it.
That's the name of that weather tart on Channel Eight.
All right, let's just pick a name at random.
Like out of the phone book.
That's a good idea.
Leave it to fate.
Okay.
When I stop, you point.
"Bob.
" Great.
"Bob Crane.
" Okay, we're going to need some Wite-Out.
Oh, listen to me.
I've been talking your ears off for the last hour about psychiatry.
Yeah, really.
-Oh, Roz, do you mind if we join you? Oh, yeah, not at all.
-Hello, Roz.
-Hi.
Leland, it is such a pleasure to talk shop with a fellow "nutcracker".
And talking to you Jung people makes me feel like an "id" again.
Do you have a pun, Frasier? -No, let's just sit down.
What's wrong? -Nothing.
Oh, you know, there is a wonderful Brassai exhibit in town.
What do you say we stop over there after lunch? -I would love that.
I'm a big fan.
Oh, I wish I could join you, I have patients all afternoon.
I don't suppose you'd be willing to go now, would you? -Oh, fine by me.
-Oh, certainly.
Let's go get our coffee at the museum.
Dad, Roz, any chance you'd like to take in some Parisian photos taken by an old Romanian master? Hmm no.
Thanks, anyway.
-Oh, excuse me,.
.
your father forgot his umbrella.
-Oh, thank you very much.
Here you go, "Dad.
" Well, I don't blame her for that.
Leland's more like 'em than I am.
Really? You really think so? -Oh, come on.
How can you not see it? They're like three fancy peas in a pod.
Well, I did notice that they have the same taste in art and music, and they even have some of the same mannerisms.
-Yeah.
And Leland and Niles are both allergic to rose hips and Jerusalem artichokes.
Weird, huh? When Leland started talking to me last night about how close he and Hester were, I started thinkin' what you're thinkin'.
And what am I thinking? Nothing.
What are you saying? You think he's their father? -No, I wasn't saying that! Lot's of people like art and sherry and French stuff.
It doesn't mean they're related.
By your logic, everyone on The Cooking Channel is their father.
Okay.
-Okay! Ugh.
What the hell is this? -I don't know, it was there when I sat down.
-Ugh! Leland, your autobiography is wonderful.
-Thank you.
Let us hope that the publishing houses feel similarly.
Ah.
Have you shown it to Frasier? -No, I haven't.
How's he feeling by the way? -Let's go see.
Bring the manuscript, he'd love to see it.
Hello? Oh, hello, Darling.
Go ahead, I'll be right there.
Okay, so "Delilah" is out? No, that's fine, that's fine.
What are your ideas?.
.
Taylor.
Fletcher.
Cooper.
Tanner? Where are you getting these, the Big Book of Medieval Professions? Frasier, how are you doing? Oh, I'm afraid my stomach is still churning.
I'm not going to be able to make dinner.
Oh, I understand.
Well, I'll leave you to rest.
Perhaps, though, later if you're feeling better I can get your opinion on a short section of my autobiography.
Well, when I can't give an opinion you may as well call the coroner, tag my toe, I'm dead.
No.
That's a kind of car.
Hey, Niles.
-Hi.
-What's going on? Oh, we were going to go out to dinner with Leland, but Frasier's not feeling well.
Oh.
Well, maybe I'll go check on him.
Now it just sounds like you're reading from the spice rack.
"I realized the sherpa had become my guide in more ways than one.
" Oh, that was wonderful.
Read me another.
-No, no, go to sleep now.
Oh, Dad.
-Hey, Fraizh.
I just was wonderin' how you were doin'.
-Oh, well,.
.
not so good, actually.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to skip dinner.
Why don't you go in my place? -Sure, if you want me to.
-All right.
You know, the two of you should get going, really.
You'll miss the reservation.
Right.
Get well, son.
-We'll be wishing you a speedy recovery.
-Oh, thank you.
Oh, Fraizh, you want me to bring you back something from the restaurant? Maybe some Jell-o to sooth your tummy? Thank you, Dad, it's all taken care of.
Leland's going to bring me some consomme and sorbet.
Oh, okay.
Well, Niles, it looks like your dad is going to take Frasier's place at dinner.
Oh, excellent.
What's the matter? -My leg's asleep.
Oh, move your foot around.
-No, it's the whole leg.
I'll just wait it out.
But the movement will get the blood flowing.
Go ahead, give it a try.
-No, I can't put weight on it.
Sure you can.
Give it a try.
Come on.
One step at a time.
That a boy.
Keep going, there we are.
Hi, Roz.
-Hey, Martin! If you're looking for Frasier, he is not here.
I was actually looking for you.
Need some advice.
From me, really? -Well, I can no longer ignore this situation.
Okay, sit down.
What're you talking about? The thing with Leland.
I mean, even though I am sure that he is not Frasier and Niles' father I guess it is possible, technically.
Of course, it is possible technically.
But, Martin you really think your wife would have ever cheated on you? She did.
She said it happened once.
Oh, my God.
With Leland? -No, someone else.
You know, I think that you're driving yourself crazy for nothing here.
Of COURSE Frasier and Niles are your sons.
You're exactly like them.
Like them? How? Your strong sense of ethics.
Yeah, we are ethical.
What else? -The way they spin out of control.
Yeah, that's true.
They get that from me.
Their stubbornness.
-I'm not stubborn.
-Their defensiveness.
What's that supposed to mean? -The way they dismiss anyone who doesn't share their opinion.
Oh, now you're just being dumb.
Hey, what is the worst case scenario? If you found out you weren't their father, would you love them any less? -No, no.
Well, yeah, a little maybe, at first.
But no, I I'd feel the same about them as I hope they would about me.
Which they would.
And you know that.
Yeah.
I mean, you'd still love Alice if you found out you'd gotten the wrong baby at the hospital.
-Sure.
And as a cop, I've seen that happen more often than you'd think.
Especially at Seattle General.
-I had Alice at Seattle General.
Oh, sorry.
But the point was, that you'd love her just the same, so who cares who her real mother is.
-I'M her real mother! -Okay, geez.
How about "Desmond"? -Desmond Crane.
"Desmond Crane you are hereby sentenced to" No, I don't like it.
What about "Jack"? 'Fraid not.
The first name ends with the same sound that begins the last name.
So you either run them together "JacKrane", or you face the dreaded glottal stop "JacK Crane", "JacK Crane".
It's unpleasant for the throat.
This conversation's unpleasant for the throat.
-Well, I know, I know.
Okay OH! Why don't we use the name of that nice nurse from when I was in the hospital? "Fong" or "DeShandra"? Fong.
Well, wait.
Let's not drive ourselves crazy about this.
It's a temporary name for a hypothetical child.
-Yes, but once you give something a name, it makes it more real.
And then that name will always have a sort of priority.
I don't care how often you say "elevator" or "apartment" or "crossing guard," to me they'll always be "lifts" and "flats" and "lollipop men.
" Well then, tell you what.
You pick a name and I'll accept it unconditionally.
"Milton".
"Milton.
" Great poet and a great name.
Great.
Can we go to bed now? -Yes.
Hey, didn't you have a soccer hooligan boyfriend named Milton? Yeah.
That's where I got it.
I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical, From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical.
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical I understand equations both the simple and quadratical.
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot of news, With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse! What a wonderfully musical family you are.
-We sure are.
Me and my boys.
My boys and me.
Yeah We're wonderful and we're musical.
Martin, I can't tell you what a wonderful job you've done with them.
Oh, it wasn't a job, it was a biological pleasure! And don't forget I had Hester.
-Oh, excuse me.
Well, you were lucky.
She was a splendid woman and a remarkable research partner.
And an even better life partner.
Well, I wouldn't know about that.
-Damn straight you wouldn't.
Leland, your cab is waiting.
Oh, so soon.
Well, I can't thank you enough for all your courtesies.
If you are ever in Paris, you must allow me to repay your many kindnesses.
I'm so proud of the way you boys have turned out.
Leland, let me walk you out.
-Thank you.
Bon voyage.
Leland, there's a question I need to ask you.
-Yes, of course.
Anything.
I'm a little uncomfortable even bringing it up, but I don't think I could let you leave the country without knowing the answer.
I know that you you and my wife spent a lot of time together.
That you were close -I loved her very much.
Then I guess my question is: How much? Enough to trust her with the fact that I'm gay.
You know, forty years ago, people weren't as accepting as they are nowadays.
And without someone like her to confide in She quite probably saved my life.
Leland, she loved you too.
She really was something, wasn't she? -She really was.
Bye, Martin.
-Take care, Leland.
My boys.
-On a tree by a river, a littlie tom-tit Sang "Willow, tit-willow, tit-willow".
And I said to him "Dicky-bird, why do you sit? Singing 'Willow, tit-willow, tit-willow'?" "Is it a weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried "Or a rather tough worm on your little inside?" Oh, my God, are you still stuck picking a name for that application? Yeah, we can't come up with one.
-Oh God, give it to me.
And then I'll fill it in and you'll never have to see it and you won't feel stuck with it.
-That's a great idea.
.
Howard Clifton is officially accepted.
Who do we have next? Last name "Crane", first name "Ichabod".
Well, if they're not going to take the application seriously, how can we expect them to take St.
Osric's seriously?