Married with Children s10e22 Episode Script

And now, Friends, followed by The Making of Friends.
And then, on the 10:00 news the cast of Cheers discusses their favorite episodes of Friends.
Kelly, can we please watch something else? This is a rerun.
No, it's not.
I've seen this one a million times.
Hey, Dad, you're off work early? I'm always off at this time.
I just never came home before because your mother was here.
- What are you watching? - Friends.
Friends.
Don't have them, don't need them sure as hell don't wanna watch them.
How can anyone not love this show? I mean, there's nothing on TV quite like Friends.
Now, stay tuned for Buddies.
Next up, Homeys.
Geezers, starring Bill Cosby.
Welcome back to Friends.
Sponsored by the new Friends Las Vegas Hotel and Casino.
I wanna go.
Oh, I wanna go.
Well, that satellite dish was money well spent like the wedding ring and the smoke detectors.
Yeah, I'm going down to my room.
I have absolutely no interest in this show.
Yeah, well, you would if it was called Rubber Friends.
Daddy, can you get that? It might be the door.
My kingdom for a drive-by.
- I've got something for a Peggy Bundy.
- So do I.
Oh, then I guess you don't want these Big 'Uns centerfold Popsicle molds either? Are you crazy? I ordered those.
Give me.
Yeah, you're gonna love them, and here's a tip: If you only fill the trays to the neck, they come out without heads.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
- What you watching? - Friends.
Friends.
- Mind if I sit here anyway? - No.
No, make yourself at home.
I'd get you a beer, but I don't wanna be caught empty-handed when the gardener and chimney sweep drop by.
Well, my dad's gone.
You can sit a little bit closer.
"Tom.
" That's a great name.
Were you named after anybody? - Yeah, yeah, my father.
- Oh, cool.
What's his name? I'm Kelly.
I don't wear a nametag.
I wasn't looking for one.
- Well, then, what were you looking for? - This.
What was that? A lip alarm? Sort of.
See, I'm being paged by my girlfriend, Shannon.
If I don't check in with her every 15 minutes she gets this crazy idea I'm cheating on her.
Question Number 12: How many times this week has your man come home late with a lame excuse? Hi, sweetie.
Sorry I'm late.
I got the clock in my truck confused with the speedometer.
Seven.
Oh, hell.
She's taking the Cosmo quiz.
What is it this month, baby? "How to kiss your way into his living will"? No.
It's called, "How to tell if you and your man--" That's you.
"--are in a dying relationship.
" - Well, are we? - Well, I'll know in a minute.
- Hey, what's seven times four? - Twenty-eight.
Oh, yeah, we're dead.
Come on.
You can't trust Cosmo.
They hate men.
Well, you know, Tom, it's not just the quiz.
I followed you this afternoon.
I thought you were doing makeovers at Macy's.
Yeah, I was.
But I told them that I needed a personal stalking day.
Anyway, I saw you go into a cute blond girl's house.
So? Come on.
I'm a delivery guy.
I go into people's houses.
Sometimes they're girls.
Sometimes they're cute.
- Sometimes you sleep with them.
- Yeah.
But not today.
Today, I was faithful to you.
You just don't get it, do you? Not since you subscribed to Cosmo, no.
Oh, yeah? Well, it's a lot better than those lovemaking tips you get from Popular Mechanics.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Nice mood.
Did my brother cheat on you again? Yes.
Tom and I are in the middle of the biggest fight we've had since yesterday.
Then why are you bothering to wax your legs? Don't they teach you anything at night school? If Tom and I make up, we'll end up in bed, and he'll want smooth legs.
If we break up, I'll end up in bed with somebody else and he'll want smooth legs.
So either way, waxing is the key to my happiness.
Bastards! Well, good evening, ladies.
You know, after a long, hard day, there's nothing like a relaxing shower.
Jackson, why do you need a shower? You don't work.
I get just as dirty watching TV as you do working.
Sure.
Now that you've unscrambled the porn channel.
At least I have a sex life.
Which reminds me, you're out of liquid soap.
Look, Shannon, I'm sorry about our fight.
And to make up for it, I bought you a present.
It better be good.
- What are those? - Hey, it's 9:00 at night.
It was either this or a Polish sausage.
Look, Tom, I'm sure, in your eyes, these were a very sweet gesture.
I need more than a gesture.
I knew I should've gone with the sausage.
Look, Tom Cosmo says that I'm an under-dater.
No problem.
Tonight, you can be on top.
What I mean is, is that a girl like me has big dreams.
I shouldn't be dating you.
I should be dating your boss.
You did date his boss.
You did? Yeah.
How do you think you got your promotion? I thought it was because I dated his wife.
You know, I don't know what keeps me here when there's a city full of middle-aged rich men just one drink away from infidelity.
I know what keeps you here.
Forget it, Tom.
You know, the TV Guide horoscope was right.
I have no business living with a Libra.
We are so through.
You can't leave like this.
We haven't had sex today.
Speak for yourself! Tom, I know you're feeling upset about Shannon leaving but you'll feel better if you stop sulking and do something.
- You're right.
I do feel better.
- What did you do? Smashed her porcelain cat collection.
Look, Tom, obviously you're feeling hurt right now.
Hurt? Come on, that's a girlie thing.
I'm feeling the guy version of hurt: horny.
You know, that's also the guy version of happy, curious, and sleepy.
In fact, is there ever a moment when you guys aren't horny? Prostate exams.
And the "It's a Small World" ride.
No, just prostate exams.
I forgot about those little Polynesian girls.
You know what? You're no better than your skirt-chasing father.
Hey, it was your mother who walked into a married man's house in that little maid's outfit.
She was the maid, you idiot.
Still, I am not like him.
I know the first name of almost every woman I've ever slept with.
And with any luck, I'm about to learn a new one.
Keiko, pick up.
All right.
All right.
Give it to me.
I got it.
Wow, Jefferson, this is a real soul experience.
Not some fake yuppie hangout.
We are down with the people.
You're not wearing that Rolex I gave you, are you? Oh, no, no.
I sold that long ago.
I mean, it's too precious to ever wear.
Yo there, bro.
We're new to the 'hood.
What can you recommend? The hamburgers.
Well, we were hoping for something a little bit more down home.
You know, like collard greens, oxtails, moon pies.
I'm glad you've seen Martin but here, we serve hamburgers.
Listen, homes.
If you insist on dissing your customers in that manner then we are just going to have to ease on down that road.
Word.
Well, then, I guess you want your order to go.
There.
Your mama.
George, hi.
I've never been a waitress before.
When customers leave money on the table, who is it for? It's for me.
It's their way of showing appreciation for the guy who cooked the food.
I have so much to learn.
- George, meet Kelly.
- Oh, hey, Kelly.
Welcome to George's Diner.
Place where everybody knows your name but is rude to you just the same.
Just like my house.
So, Tom.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, sure.
Did you and Shannon break up or is she just out of town? No, she's in town.
No doubt crying into a pint of Chunky Monkey over losing me.
Hi, Tom.
Hi, Shannon.
What brings you here? A Jaguar.
Owned by Henry.
I'm Henry.
My other car is a yacht.
So you gonna introduce me to your little friend? - Kelly, meet Shannon.
- Oh, hi.
She's the woman I used to go home to after my dates.
Henry, meet Tom.
He's the guy who thought I stayed home while he went out with other women.
It's good to see that people can break up and still remain such good friends.
- So where did you two meet? - At Macy's.
I was there to buy a gift for my wife.
And I thought I'd pick up a little something for me.
Excuse me, George, Kelly and I would like a table for two.
Henry and I would like a table for one.
And I'd like to pass a health inspection.
So good luck to all of us.
Kelly, when I'm with you I feel like you're the only woman in the world.
She's holding his hand, right in front of me.
So what? I thought I was the only woman in the world.
I'm sorry, did you say something? Excuse me.
People eat there.
Oh, Henry.
I'm really turned on.
Let's make love.
Shall we do it in the Jag, or do you wanna go to my condo? No.
Let's go someplace really romantic.
The bathroom.
Come on.
Let's go to the bathroom too.
Okay, I'll try, but I don't think I have to go.
Oh, Henry.
Please blow on my neck.
Not you.
Oh, yes.
Right there.
You know, in this light, you remind me of my fourth wife's daughter.
Oh, Kelly, you're the best.
This is really fun.
But could you wait outside because now I really have to go.
Hold on.
I'm not done impressing Shannon.
Well, let me know if there's anything I can do to just hurry it along.
Oh, Henry.
Look.
You can moan like Shannon.
Oh, Henry.
- "Oh, Henry"? - "Oh, Henry"? I mean, oh, Tom.
- Oh, Kelly, lower.
- Oh, Henry, higher.
Oh, Edwin.
Take me to the bathroom.
That's it.
No.
That's it.
- I'm there.
- No, I'm there.
You can't be there.
I'm the only one who can take you there.
You know, I'll tell you one thing.
I am not going on a second date with Tom.
No, you shouldn't.
A woman like you deserves a man who respects women.
Nice legs.
You wanna get in my Jag and go shopping? Sure.
Could you just wait one minute? Because I really have to use the bathroom.
Daddy I want you to meet Henry.
Pumpkin, what did we say about talking to Daddy? I'm watching my new favorite TV show.
Friends? Dad, I thought you hated this show.
I do.
But if you mute the sound and watch with binoculars you can see that Jennifer Aniston isn't wearing a bra.
This really is must-see TV.