Married with Children s10e23 Episode Script
Bud Hits the Books
Thanks for inviting me over to play strip study, Bud.
Well, just like it says on the box, "It's a game with no losers.
" Okay, Ariel.
"Ulysses S.
Grant was a general in which war?" The war on drugs? - Oh, close.
- Oh, man.
No, the correct answer is the Civil War.
They named a war after "Civil" Shepherd? Oh, man.
Now, you know the rules.
For each wrong answer you must remove one piece of clothing.
Gee, if I'd known the rules, I would have worn underwear.
Okay.
"Who was the first president of the United States?" - George Washington.
- Wrong.
Gosh, Bud, I'm not that smart.
I can't figure out why you'd want to study with me.
Well, you make every subject come to life.
Bud, finals are a week away and every time we try to study, we end up having sex.
Trust me, Ariel.
In two minutes, we'll be right back to studying.
Bud, wake up.
What is it? George Washington was the first president of the United States.
Oh, my God.
Do you know what time it is? Six o'clock? - No, it's 8:00.
- Damn.
No, we're not playing that game anymore, Ariel.
It's morning.
What am I gonna do? If I don't pass these exams I won't graduate.
Come on, we gotta get out of here.
Won't it be awkward when your family sees me coming out of your room? No, I have girls over here all the time.
They won't even bat an eye.
Come on.
Let's go.
That's my boy! Congratulations, son.
Your first sleep-over date.
And with a girl too.
Unless it's one of those Crying Game kind of things.
How did you guys know Ariel was here? Well, for once the cries of: "Oh, Bud.
Oh, Bud," wasn't just you throwing your voice.
Yeah, and then about 1 a.
m.
you suddenly yelled out the window: "I just got busy.
" Now, being down with the lingo you youngsters use today I knew that you had just done the function at the junction.
So you spent the night with my brother, Bud.
Could you--? Could you bend your head forward, please? Nope, no air nozzle.
Will you leave her alone? The girl just had the best sex of her life.
I didn't say it was the best.
I said you did your best.
So, Bud, shall I study your brains out again tonight? No, no, no.
I really have to study alone.
I have to get my diploma so I can get the hell out of this house.
Bud, come here a second, son.
You're gonna do the right thing by this girl now, aren't you? - You mean marry her? - No, I mean never call her again.
Yeah, thanks.
Thanks for the advice, Dad.
Look, Ariel, I really need to get my grades up, all right? So until finals are over, I'm swearing off sex.
That's a good idea.
I'm gonna get my grades up too.
So you'll swear off sex also? No.
I'm gonna sleep with all my teachers.
Thanks.
E equals MC cup.
I have to concentrate.
And She's still too sexy.
Bud? What the hell is that? - Dad, I'm trying to study.
- What, why presidents marry ugly? But, son, actually, I'm glad you're studying because you'll be quiet while I watch TV.
Today's the premiere of the new Big 'Uns Network, B-U-N.
Or BUN.
Why do you have to watch it down here on my small TV? We're not watching the BUN on your small TV.
You guys wanna give me a hand here with Marcie's TV? - Sure.
- Put it right there.
Dad, I'm not gonna be able to study with you guys sitting there watching bimbo TV.
They're not bimbos.
They're "hooteracious" Americans.
And secondly, son, you're not even gonna notice that we're here.
Welcome to the premiere of the Big 'Uns Network.
I'm former Senator Bob Packwood and this is a real dear-diary day for me.
Yeah, shake them.
Shake them.
This is ridiculous.
I'm gonna have to find a place to study where there's absolutely nothing that can turn me on.
Why, Bud, what was that for? Just for being you, Miss Hardaway.
You're so cute.
What can I do for you? Be as creative as you like with your answer.
I would just like the reserved reading for these classes, please.
By the way, do you have a poster of yourself I could hang up over my desk? Well, I don't have a poster of myself but I was featured in this magazine.
"Library 'Uns"? I'm the centerfold.
Here are the books.
I've marked the parts you're supposed to read and I've taken the liberty of putting my home phone number on the bookmark.
Oh, Bud, if you're looking for a quiet place to study try that reading room there.
It's very private.
Thanks.
I'll give it a try.
Oh, this is perfect.
Perfect, perfect, perfect.
Now I can finally forget about sex and concentrate on my studies.
Oh, I guess I'll start with Shakespeare here.
"Her breasts, like ivory globes circled with blue a pair of maiden worlds unconquered.
" God, what I wouldn't give for a pair of globes right now.
Okay.
I've gotta calm down.
Okay, what could be less stimulating than Biology? "The woman indicates her readiness by--" "When the female has reached peak arousal" Oh, I'd like to peak at some arousal.
Okay, no sex.
No sex.
No sex.
No sex.
Okay, Anthropology will definitely cool me down.
"Costumes of the Trobriand Islanders.
" Okay.
The women use coconut shells as clothing.
Hey, those aren't coconut shells.
But those are coconuts.
A man can only take so much.
I wonder what's up with Bud.
This is Senator Packwood live from the Big 'Uns Olympics.
The officials are on the field measuring.
It's a new world record.
Seventy-two and one half inches.
She's won the gold.
Yes.
Yes, I knew she had what it takes.
What event is it, long jump? No, they're just measuring her chest.
Dad, I need to talk to you.
The university just put me on probation.
Way to go, son.
What did you do, paint the school mascot? Go on a panty raid? I was caught having sex in the school library.
All right-o.
That's my boy.
Who's the lucky girl? You're shaking her.
Dad, I'm gonna be tried by the university deans.
I might not be able to graduate.
Would you give me a hand? Obviously, you have too many as it is.
Dad, if I don't graduate, I might just live here forever.
Son you need the best defense no money can buy.
We will now try the case of Trumaine College v.
Bud Bundy.
We have convened here at the scene of the crime.
You're not going to re-create it, are you? No, that was not my intention, Dean Markwand.
But I cannot speak for Mr.
Bundy.
Perhaps he should be handcuffed during these proceedings? That will not be necessary.
I am confident that my client can control himself.
Then obviously you haven't seen the videotape.
I think I can defend Mr.
Bundy without viewing the tape.
In fact, that was the one condition on which I agreed to take the case.
Bud Bundy, how do you plead? Absolutely 100 percent not guilty.
Yeah, it was really nice of Bud to let us watch the Big 'Uns Extreme Games in his room.
By the way, where is your son? I have no son.
Haven't you heard? Bud was caught in the Trumaine library doing what will soon be referred to as "The Bundy.
" Try to raise a kid with values and decency-- Oh, look, Big 'Uns freefall.
You don't need a parachute when you've got 'Uns.
It's enough to make you wanna do "The Bundy.
" Oh, I give Bud credit.
The library's a pretty creative place.
Most creative place I ever did it was on an airplane.
You did it in a bathroom on a plane? Who said anything about a bathroom? And so in light of the videotape evidence and the eyewitness account of the now-traumatized student who had the misfortune of opening the door at exactly the wrong moment we must conclude that Bud Bundy is absolutely 100 percent guilty.
Does the defense possibly have anything to say other than the obvious "I'm so, so sorry"? We do not dispute the evidence of this case.
Then you admit the defendant committed this crime.
He committed the act.
There was no crime.
Allow me to quote from your official student handbook.
"Abstinence saves lives.
" And what guarantees abstinence better than self-love? Constant, never-ending self-love.
I ask you to look at this young man.
Would you rather he do what he did or be out there breeding? And I did the Bundy at the Ice Capades.
During my driving test.
Watching Shaft.
On my honeymoon.
- On your honeymoon? - That doesn't count.
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
I think I may have been a little bit too harsh on my son.
The only thing he really did wrong was going to the library in the first place.
The rest is totally understandable.
I mean, we men have our needs.
It's women who tell us these things are wrong.
And why? Because they wanna take away the only good sex we have.
I know now what we must do.
And so in conclusion, I say if touching yourself is a crime then who among us does not deserve the chair? All right.
We concede that what Bud did was not in itself a crime.
But how do you explain doing it in the library? Well, I'm glad you asked that.
Bud, how the hell do you explain it? Easily.
I was set up.
I direct the attention of the court to Miss Hardaway who has had a crush on me for years.
In fact, at this very moment she's thinking about what I must look like under my clothes.
That is a tight little lie.
I-- I mean a little white lie.
Can you deny that on the night in question you gave me your home phone number? This number? Did you not tell me which study room to sit in knowing full well it had a surveillance camera? And did you not give me erotic textbooks with all the good parts marked? You gave him Costumes of the Trobriand Islanders? - I did.
- My God.
The boy is only human.
So you see I was entrapped by a middle-aged librarian who saw a hot little tushie and wanted more.
That is not true.
I dare you to take a look at this and still deny your feelings.
All right, I confess.
I am in love with Bud Bundy.
Whenever he comes in the library I turn the heat up so he'll have to strip down to his tank top.
When he returns a book late, I always hope he'll say: "I've been a bad boy, Miss Hardaway.
Spank me hard.
" The court will excuse me if I heave? I've read every book on loving in this library.
I could do things to him he's never even dreamed of.
Really? I think we have a unanimous verdict.
We will dismiss this case, allow Mr.
Bundy to graduate and seal the records so as to maintain the good name of the Michael Milken Library.
Oh, thank you, Mrs.
D'Arcy.
Oh, you were great.
And best of all, nobody's ever gonna know about this ugly little incident.
Free the Bundy one! Free the Bundy one Free the Bundy one Free the Bundy one Free the Bundy one This is Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardenal broadcasting live at Trumaine College where the group called NO MA'AM is picketing in support of Bud Bundy's inalienable right as an American to touch himself in the library or anywhere else for that matter.
Four, three, two, one Bud's alone but he has fun Two, four, six, eight It's his only steady date One, two, three, four He shouldn't have to lock the door Free the Bundy one!
Well, just like it says on the box, "It's a game with no losers.
" Okay, Ariel.
"Ulysses S.
Grant was a general in which war?" The war on drugs? - Oh, close.
- Oh, man.
No, the correct answer is the Civil War.
They named a war after "Civil" Shepherd? Oh, man.
Now, you know the rules.
For each wrong answer you must remove one piece of clothing.
Gee, if I'd known the rules, I would have worn underwear.
Okay.
"Who was the first president of the United States?" - George Washington.
- Wrong.
Gosh, Bud, I'm not that smart.
I can't figure out why you'd want to study with me.
Well, you make every subject come to life.
Bud, finals are a week away and every time we try to study, we end up having sex.
Trust me, Ariel.
In two minutes, we'll be right back to studying.
Bud, wake up.
What is it? George Washington was the first president of the United States.
Oh, my God.
Do you know what time it is? Six o'clock? - No, it's 8:00.
- Damn.
No, we're not playing that game anymore, Ariel.
It's morning.
What am I gonna do? If I don't pass these exams I won't graduate.
Come on, we gotta get out of here.
Won't it be awkward when your family sees me coming out of your room? No, I have girls over here all the time.
They won't even bat an eye.
Come on.
Let's go.
That's my boy! Congratulations, son.
Your first sleep-over date.
And with a girl too.
Unless it's one of those Crying Game kind of things.
How did you guys know Ariel was here? Well, for once the cries of: "Oh, Bud.
Oh, Bud," wasn't just you throwing your voice.
Yeah, and then about 1 a.
m.
you suddenly yelled out the window: "I just got busy.
" Now, being down with the lingo you youngsters use today I knew that you had just done the function at the junction.
So you spent the night with my brother, Bud.
Could you--? Could you bend your head forward, please? Nope, no air nozzle.
Will you leave her alone? The girl just had the best sex of her life.
I didn't say it was the best.
I said you did your best.
So, Bud, shall I study your brains out again tonight? No, no, no.
I really have to study alone.
I have to get my diploma so I can get the hell out of this house.
Bud, come here a second, son.
You're gonna do the right thing by this girl now, aren't you? - You mean marry her? - No, I mean never call her again.
Yeah, thanks.
Thanks for the advice, Dad.
Look, Ariel, I really need to get my grades up, all right? So until finals are over, I'm swearing off sex.
That's a good idea.
I'm gonna get my grades up too.
So you'll swear off sex also? No.
I'm gonna sleep with all my teachers.
Thanks.
E equals MC cup.
I have to concentrate.
And She's still too sexy.
Bud? What the hell is that? - Dad, I'm trying to study.
- What, why presidents marry ugly? But, son, actually, I'm glad you're studying because you'll be quiet while I watch TV.
Today's the premiere of the new Big 'Uns Network, B-U-N.
Or BUN.
Why do you have to watch it down here on my small TV? We're not watching the BUN on your small TV.
You guys wanna give me a hand here with Marcie's TV? - Sure.
- Put it right there.
Dad, I'm not gonna be able to study with you guys sitting there watching bimbo TV.
They're not bimbos.
They're "hooteracious" Americans.
And secondly, son, you're not even gonna notice that we're here.
Welcome to the premiere of the Big 'Uns Network.
I'm former Senator Bob Packwood and this is a real dear-diary day for me.
Yeah, shake them.
Shake them.
This is ridiculous.
I'm gonna have to find a place to study where there's absolutely nothing that can turn me on.
Why, Bud, what was that for? Just for being you, Miss Hardaway.
You're so cute.
What can I do for you? Be as creative as you like with your answer.
I would just like the reserved reading for these classes, please.
By the way, do you have a poster of yourself I could hang up over my desk? Well, I don't have a poster of myself but I was featured in this magazine.
"Library 'Uns"? I'm the centerfold.
Here are the books.
I've marked the parts you're supposed to read and I've taken the liberty of putting my home phone number on the bookmark.
Oh, Bud, if you're looking for a quiet place to study try that reading room there.
It's very private.
Thanks.
I'll give it a try.
Oh, this is perfect.
Perfect, perfect, perfect.
Now I can finally forget about sex and concentrate on my studies.
Oh, I guess I'll start with Shakespeare here.
"Her breasts, like ivory globes circled with blue a pair of maiden worlds unconquered.
" God, what I wouldn't give for a pair of globes right now.
Okay.
I've gotta calm down.
Okay, what could be less stimulating than Biology? "The woman indicates her readiness by--" "When the female has reached peak arousal" Oh, I'd like to peak at some arousal.
Okay, no sex.
No sex.
No sex.
No sex.
Okay, Anthropology will definitely cool me down.
"Costumes of the Trobriand Islanders.
" Okay.
The women use coconut shells as clothing.
Hey, those aren't coconut shells.
But those are coconuts.
A man can only take so much.
I wonder what's up with Bud.
This is Senator Packwood live from the Big 'Uns Olympics.
The officials are on the field measuring.
It's a new world record.
Seventy-two and one half inches.
She's won the gold.
Yes.
Yes, I knew she had what it takes.
What event is it, long jump? No, they're just measuring her chest.
Dad, I need to talk to you.
The university just put me on probation.
Way to go, son.
What did you do, paint the school mascot? Go on a panty raid? I was caught having sex in the school library.
All right-o.
That's my boy.
Who's the lucky girl? You're shaking her.
Dad, I'm gonna be tried by the university deans.
I might not be able to graduate.
Would you give me a hand? Obviously, you have too many as it is.
Dad, if I don't graduate, I might just live here forever.
Son you need the best defense no money can buy.
We will now try the case of Trumaine College v.
Bud Bundy.
We have convened here at the scene of the crime.
You're not going to re-create it, are you? No, that was not my intention, Dean Markwand.
But I cannot speak for Mr.
Bundy.
Perhaps he should be handcuffed during these proceedings? That will not be necessary.
I am confident that my client can control himself.
Then obviously you haven't seen the videotape.
I think I can defend Mr.
Bundy without viewing the tape.
In fact, that was the one condition on which I agreed to take the case.
Bud Bundy, how do you plead? Absolutely 100 percent not guilty.
Yeah, it was really nice of Bud to let us watch the Big 'Uns Extreme Games in his room.
By the way, where is your son? I have no son.
Haven't you heard? Bud was caught in the Trumaine library doing what will soon be referred to as "The Bundy.
" Try to raise a kid with values and decency-- Oh, look, Big 'Uns freefall.
You don't need a parachute when you've got 'Uns.
It's enough to make you wanna do "The Bundy.
" Oh, I give Bud credit.
The library's a pretty creative place.
Most creative place I ever did it was on an airplane.
You did it in a bathroom on a plane? Who said anything about a bathroom? And so in light of the videotape evidence and the eyewitness account of the now-traumatized student who had the misfortune of opening the door at exactly the wrong moment we must conclude that Bud Bundy is absolutely 100 percent guilty.
Does the defense possibly have anything to say other than the obvious "I'm so, so sorry"? We do not dispute the evidence of this case.
Then you admit the defendant committed this crime.
He committed the act.
There was no crime.
Allow me to quote from your official student handbook.
"Abstinence saves lives.
" And what guarantees abstinence better than self-love? Constant, never-ending self-love.
I ask you to look at this young man.
Would you rather he do what he did or be out there breeding? And I did the Bundy at the Ice Capades.
During my driving test.
Watching Shaft.
On my honeymoon.
- On your honeymoon? - That doesn't count.
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
I think I may have been a little bit too harsh on my son.
The only thing he really did wrong was going to the library in the first place.
The rest is totally understandable.
I mean, we men have our needs.
It's women who tell us these things are wrong.
And why? Because they wanna take away the only good sex we have.
I know now what we must do.
And so in conclusion, I say if touching yourself is a crime then who among us does not deserve the chair? All right.
We concede that what Bud did was not in itself a crime.
But how do you explain doing it in the library? Well, I'm glad you asked that.
Bud, how the hell do you explain it? Easily.
I was set up.
I direct the attention of the court to Miss Hardaway who has had a crush on me for years.
In fact, at this very moment she's thinking about what I must look like under my clothes.
That is a tight little lie.
I-- I mean a little white lie.
Can you deny that on the night in question you gave me your home phone number? This number? Did you not tell me which study room to sit in knowing full well it had a surveillance camera? And did you not give me erotic textbooks with all the good parts marked? You gave him Costumes of the Trobriand Islanders? - I did.
- My God.
The boy is only human.
So you see I was entrapped by a middle-aged librarian who saw a hot little tushie and wanted more.
That is not true.
I dare you to take a look at this and still deny your feelings.
All right, I confess.
I am in love with Bud Bundy.
Whenever he comes in the library I turn the heat up so he'll have to strip down to his tank top.
When he returns a book late, I always hope he'll say: "I've been a bad boy, Miss Hardaway.
Spank me hard.
" The court will excuse me if I heave? I've read every book on loving in this library.
I could do things to him he's never even dreamed of.
Really? I think we have a unanimous verdict.
We will dismiss this case, allow Mr.
Bundy to graduate and seal the records so as to maintain the good name of the Michael Milken Library.
Oh, thank you, Mrs.
D'Arcy.
Oh, you were great.
And best of all, nobody's ever gonna know about this ugly little incident.
Free the Bundy one! Free the Bundy one Free the Bundy one Free the Bundy one Free the Bundy one This is Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardenal broadcasting live at Trumaine College where the group called NO MA'AM is picketing in support of Bud Bundy's inalienable right as an American to touch himself in the library or anywhere else for that matter.
Four, three, two, one Bud's alone but he has fun Two, four, six, eight It's his only steady date One, two, three, four He shouldn't have to lock the door Free the Bundy one!