Bob's Burgers s11e01 Episode Script

1 Thank you, Linda.
Another perfect pour.
Ugh.
The phone people keep charging us for a hot spot, whatever that is.
I'm gonna call them.
Definitely.
Later.
Not-not today.
- May-Maybe next month.
- There you go.
20% off an oil change.
We're probably supposed to be getting those.
When was the last time you got one? Last year? Or, um, maybe the year before? I mean, definitely since Louise was born.
You really got to stay on those, Bob.
Yeah, I know, Teddy.
Really helps with the lifespan of the car.
Okay, thanks.
Yes, I got it.
I do 'em myself.
Just takes, like, an hour or two.
Three, three and a half if you're buzzed.
- You should do it yourself.
- I'm just not good at that "being responsible" stuff.
You're good at some of that stuff.
Didn't you reset our clock the other day? - After the power went out? - That was you.
Oh, right.
You just wanted to not use that clock anymore.
Well, concrete's probably dry at Mr.
Fischoeder's.
I'm putting a basketball hoop in his bathroom and a toilet on his basketball court.
That guy's life, huh? - See you later.
- Okay, bye.
- Hey, guys.
- GENE: Hello.
- Hey, Teddy.
- Theodore.
- Hey, kids.
How was school? - Don't worry about it.
It was about four hours too long and a little talky.
Hey, remember how I wanted to volunteer at the animal hospital and read to animals? I don't think that's what volunteers do.
Animals don't have thumbs, Louise.
(chuckles): They, uh, can't turn the pages.
Anyway, so, you know how I need my birth certificate for the application? Well, it's due tomorrow.
Do you guys know where that is? I do.
Uh, I know where your birth certificate is, because I very responsibly put it in a very safe place.
- Okay.
- In a safe.
- A little fire safe.
- Cool.
There's lots of other important documents in there that I'm responsibly keeping safe.
Does toilet paper count as important papers? If so, we're rich.
Oh, God.
I forgot to buy toilet paper.
At least there's one thing I put in the right place.
Oh, come on.
Where's the key? Where's the key? The freakin' key! Bus too slow, I wanna take a boat Boat too wet, I wanna take a jet Jet killed a bird, I wanna take a herd Of sheep to the meadow Say hello to the fellow making yellow on a cello Cello's too wet, so we get a clarinet Clarinet's too reedy, so we went to Ally Sheedy Ally Sheedy's too busy, so we got her sister Lizzie - (Tina mumbles) - Lizzie Sheedy likes to cuss When she's driving on the bus These are the words she likes to say - Crotch, dingle, crap, boob - (Tina mumbling) Fart, nips, tips, double dips And that's why we drove off the cliff.
Man, how are you guys even doing that? Oh, I love it! But that's not how we used to do it.
Gene, do it with me.
I'll show you how.
Welcome to the offices of chicken legs and sausages We're going to the zoo today We're gonna eat some ostriches Oh, they left? Well, that's for the best But while we're here, let's go get a beer Oh, they don't have booze? Then how about a cruise? These are the things they have on the boat Checkers, cribbage, lettuce, spinach Slots, cots, garlic knots And now we sink into the sea.
- (gurgles) - I don't understand how you can do the clapping and the talking at the same time.
- We can teach you, Tina.
- You can? Sure! My cousin Valerie could do it, and she only had one arm.
She still does.
(phone rings) - Bob's Burgers.
- Lin, it's me.
- I-I need your help.
- Where are you? (sighs) Under the bed.
Do you know where the key to the safe is? No, I have no idea.
How's it look under the bed? - Gross.
- I bet.
Will you ask the kids if they've seen it? Kids, have you seen the key to the safe? TINA: No.
Did you ask Dad? He seemed to be on top of it.
- I'm on the phone with him.
- Tell him I say hi.
- Tina says hi.
- Hi, Tina.
- Dad says hi back.
- Aw.
Ask Dad if he thinks I'm ready to start sharing underwear with him.
- Oof! - LOUISE: Dad, you got this.
Bob, I think Louise is coming upstairs to jump on the bed and squish you.
Yeah, she did it.
It's really fun.
And helpful.
- Uh, I'm gonna hang up, Lin.
- Okay.
Let's hang up at the same time.
Oh, you hung up.
So, just looking everywhere, huh? Uh-huh.
I know I bought the safe, and the key came with the safe.
And I put the important stuff in the safe.
Closed the safe.
Took the key.
And then I - Threw it? - No.
Oh! And then I wanted to put the key on my keychain to be responsible, but I realized I left my keys in the car.
That way your car's just ready to go.
So, I went out to the car to look for my keys, and then, uh, Hugo walked by.
So I ducked down so I wouldn't have to talk to him.
- So brave.
- But then he saw me, so I, uh, I pretended to be on a phone call.
Hands-free, even though our car doesn't have that.
So, should we maybe look in the car? No, I get carsick.
- But it wouldn't be mov - Bye-bye.
It's got to be in here.
Oh, God.
Right.
That doesn't open anymore.
(grunts) It's so hard to bend.
What a mess.
I'm a monster.
Oh, there you are, screwdriver that I've re-bought a bunch of times 'cause I didn't know where you were.
Jury duty summons.
Perfect.
I wish I knew you were there since I'm a fugitive now, I guess.
Yep, there are the ants.
You guys are still here.
H-How can I live like this? Ow! My back! Seizing up! Aah! Ow! (grunting) - Hi.
How are you? - I'm fine.
You okay? (exhales) Yeah, yeah.
Couldn't be happier.
- All right.
- (whimpers) Okay, if I If I lay like this (panting) This feels better.
This is gonna fix itself, and then I and then I'll look for the keys some more.
Oh, lying down reminds me that I'm tired.
I'm always tired.
Just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
But I'm not gonna fall asleep.
Oh, God.
I fell asleep.
What time is it? Where am I? Am I dreaming? Am I tiny? I think I might be tiny.
Pens.
Maps.
Am I in my glove compartment? Wow, that insurance is very expired.
(Bob snoring) Okay, either I'm actually tiny and I'm in my glove compartment and I should maybe be a superhero, or I'm dreaming, because I'm a sleepy, middle-aged man, and I fall asleep a lot.
VOICE: If you're dreaming, - then am I dreaming? - Who said that? Me! Rubber Band Squeezy Ball.
What's it been? Like, seven years? Pr-Probably, yeah.
I'm sorry about the glove compartment not opening, Squeezy Ball.
Yeah, it's like a tomb in here.
Man, we used to have some good times, huh? You would find a rubber band every once in a while and then add it on to me.
(chuckles) Yeah.
And you'd squeeze me while you were driving.
That was, um, that was our thing.
And you'd come up with ideas, right? Ideas for burgers and stuff.
I-I-I I guess I would.
Ah, man, your restaurant must be so successful by now.
What? Oh.
No.
I mean, we're open.
Hey, um, have you seen a little key? It's really small.
It's, like, uh Oh.
I mean, it was small.
It-It's about this big? - It's for our safe.
- You got a safe? Look at you! For all your restaurant money? No, it's for, um, uh, important papers.
Wow.
I know someone that has important papers! (chuckles) I've missed you, Squeezy.
(exhales) I don't know about your key, but you know who might be able to help? Tape! - Tape? - Yeah.
Your old self-help tape, Strategies for Living: How to Become a Strategenius.
Oh, right.
I started listening to that for a little bit a long time ago.
Not as much as I should have.
But I think I saw it under the front seat before I fell asleep.
How do we get out of here? What if we squeeze out? Get it? Squeeze? (chuckles) (chuckles) Yeah.
Yeah, I-I get it.
Am I still your best friend, Bob? I guess, yes.
All done with Fischoeder's basketball court toilet.
Wait, did I hook it up to the sewer line? - Eh, let's say I did.
- Hoops and poops.
Okay, again.
Bus too slow, I wanna take a boat.
No, you're-you're supposed to hit your butt on that.
- I am? - Yeah.
Not the elbow, the butt.
Hey, I know that game.
But I learned it a different way.
D-Do it with me.
There's Father Gregory up in the rectory There's Sister Eleanor going to the liquor store There's all the altar boys playing dice and making noise How many combinations did they roll? A one and a one And a one and a two and a one and a three And a one and a four and a one and a five - And a one.
- Teddy, Teddy, we get it.
We get it.
Yeah, you don't know where this is going.
A one and a six, a two and a one So everyone can do this except me? - Is that what's going on? - Aw, who wants a hug? That's not a pity hug? (grunting) Ha! We're out.
Whoa.
Uh, this feels dangerous.
It does, doesn't it? So, you're dreaming, but if you find the key in your dream, you'll find it in real life? I-I don't know.
Maybe.
And if you die in here, you'll die in real life? I mean, I hope not.
What's all this? - Vent ducts.
Electrical chassis.
- That's great detail.
It's probably not correct since I'm dreaming this and I don't know anything about cars.
ENGINE: No crap you don't! -(whispers): Who's that? - That's the engine.
He sounds mad.
ENGINE: Hey, true or false? Cars need their oil changed.
- True.
- ENGINE: Don't tell him! No, I know.
Uh, I'm so sorry, engine.
Uh, I-I should be a lot better about that.
ENGINE: Every 3,000 miles, dipstick! DIPSTICK: Hey, don't drag me into this.
BRAKE PADS: You got to change your brake pads, too, man.
Are you not hearing me squeak? I-I know, everyone.
I-I'm not good at maintaining things or, or knowing how to do the things I should know how to do.
Uh, but I'm trying.
I-I put the kids' birth certificates in a safe.
DIPSTICK: Ooh-la-la.
BRAKE PADS: Ooh, big man with the safe, huh? Okay, we got to go.
We-we have a thing.
Bye.
Come on.
-(muttering) - Disgusting! Okay, we'll take this nice and slow.
You can do this, Tina.
Tell your hands if they get this right, you're taking 'em out for ice cream.
- It's weird that she can't do it, right? - Yeah, I know.
- What'd you say? - Everyone knows.
Uh, nothing.
Focus on me.
All right, just the hand movements, okay? Here we go.
Front of hands, back of hands Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
Too fast.
Front of hands Are you driving to the hospital, Louise? Stop speeding.
Front of hands - Slower.
- Back of hands.
Easy.
Now you clap Half that speed.
And cross - Slower.
- your Dear Lord.
Cross your Tina, cross your This is ruining my memory of childhood.
You're making Mommy sad, Tina.
(screams, grunts) - Ow! (groans) - Whee! (laughs) - Oh, my back.
- Your back hurts in your dream? I mean, once you have back problems, you kinda always have back problems.
SQUEEZY BALL: I love the fact that you're a millionaire but your car looks like crap.
You know, you can tell a lot about a person by how they keep their car.
Hi, I'm Tape.
Strategies for Living: How to Become a Strategenius.
Oh, hey.
We were looking for you.
- I'm a big fan.
- I'm-I'm Bob.
Uh, I don't know if you remember me.
I-I didn't listen to much of you.
Why would I remember the guy who bought me, listened to three minutes of me, and then left me on the dirtiest floor in the world? I haven't been thinking about you at all.
- Oh, I'm sor - And that's an example of passive-aggressive behavior, which is not helpful.
We cover that in chapter nine, which I guess you'll never hear.
That's not passive-aggressive, what I just said.
I really think you'll never hear it.
Bob's a millionaire.
Uh, I-I No, I'm (chuckles) I'm not.
Uh, hey, I-I need your help.
Yes.
Yes, you do.
Right.
In general but also with finding a key.
A silver key.
Bob, I don't know where the key is.
But to be effective in this situation, you'll need to energize, synthesize, then synergize.
Um, I know what one of those is.
But what-what do I do? Divide the car into quadrants, so you have attainable goals.
I'm still not following.
You got to look under the seat.
That's what I was doing when I hurt my back.
- Of course you did.
- Yeah, I'm, uh I'm-I'm not in good shape.
Wow, really? That's crazy.
You were in such good shape when you bought me.
Oh, by the way, there's a bunch of ants coming towards us.
BOB: Oh, God.
Ants! (screams) I'm small, so they're huge.
TAPE: And organized.
And strong.
- Plus, these guys are hungry.
- How can you tell? TAPE: Don't you think they have "let's eat those guys" face? They do.
They totally do.
So, Bob, priority level one to five, - where does staying alive rate? - Oh, uh, five.
- One is the most.
- Oh, sorry.
Then one.
Uh, uh, staying alive is very important to me right now.
All right, I was worried when you said five, to be honest.
- Me, too.
- Well, I got confused by your system, because it's the oppo I Whatever.
Wh-What should we do here? Now that I know our goal is to stay alive, let's assess our options and make an action plan.
I love that.
Action plan sounds great right now.
Want to squeeze me for ideas, Bob? Uh, Squeezy, I feel like Tape's got a good handle on things.
- Right, Tape? - Life doesn't give you handles, Bob.
You have to install them yourself.
See that pencil? Grab it.
Okay.
Um (grunting) I-I got it.
Bob, stick it through my right eye and then hold on for dear life.
Your eye? Won't that hurt? (sarcastically): No, it'll feel good.
Just do it! Now! - BOB: Uh - Does "now" not mean the same thing to you or ? Okay, okay! (grunts) Sorry.
Being organized means never having to say you're sorry.
Hyah! Whoa ! Hang on! If you have enough upper body strength! Which it doesn't look like you do! Hyah! Bob, you need to lick this cough drop.
- What? - You're the only one here with saliva.
You need to lick the old cough drop to reactivate the flavors.
- Seriously? - Yes! Lick now! All over! The tape is very wise, Bob! Lick the cough drop! Oh, God, the ants are climbing up.
(grunting) It's so dusty.
Get it all All over! Get the whole thing moist! (grunting) Thath's all I have! Thorry! Ugh.
Fine.
Suck on this, ants.
BOB: Ha! It's working! The ants are going away! Whoo-hoo! Hey, uh, did anyone get that on tape? Bus too slow Again.
Bus too slow.
- Again.
-(door opens, bell jingles) Hello, burger people.
It's half past rent o'clock Oh.
Are you doing the handsy damsel? Mr.
Fischoeder, you know it, too? Sure! It's been about 60 years.
- Let me see if I remember.
- It's not gonna be easy.
Theodore Roosevelt made himself a turkey melt - Seriously? - Shared it with a bear And then he told him how he really felt Made himself a daiquiri, drank it in a factory How many people died in the fire? One, ten, 30.
That's the best .
version.
That's coming to school.
Everyone's gonna be doing this tomorrow.
(quietly): Not everyone.
SQUEEZY BALL: Whew! That was a close one.
- BOB: Yeah.
Nice job, Tape.
- TAPE: Very nice job.
Oh, hey, cool jury duty summons you never responded to.
Yep.
That's not just "not sticking to my plans.
" That's losing the mail.
And-and what are all these little notes, Bob? They look like a bunch of lost to-do lists.
Is the first item on every list "lose list"? Yes, I know, I know.
There-There's too many things to do.
As a person.
How does anyone do anything? And-and bathe? Hey, you're bathing? I couldn't tell.
- Good for you, Bob.
- (sighs) Someone else could've bought me.
I could be in someone's DeLorean right now.
Okay.
All right.
Tina, take my spot when you're ready, okay? - Just jump right in.
Here we go.
- Okay.
(overlapping chanting) Uh (chanting continues) LINDA: Well, that's for the best.
Now switch up partners - and triple time.
- Aah! I hope we find the key soon.
It feels like we've walked a really long way, and my tiny feet really hurt.
You know, physical health is a gift you give yourself every day.
Or, in your case, maybe, like, twice in your 20s? Uh, that's pretty generous, actually.
I-I-I don't take care of myself.
But I-I was thinking about doing it sometime.
Yeah, you're gonna be really buff someday.
I can't wait to see that.
- (zapping) - Anyone else notice the air getting a little electricity-y? Whoa.
- Okay, that seems bad.
- What is it? It's like all the stuff I should be better about, that I left on the floor of my car, formed a monster? And it seems to be very electrical.
I guess that's how my brain thinks car power works? I-I really don't know what I'm talking about.
Maybe it's my shame? Shame-tricity.
SQUEEZY BALL: Your shame is so strong.
Yeah.
It's very strong right now.
-(growling) - Wait.
Look.
It's the key to the safe! Oh, great! Not it to get it.
So, um, Tape, can you do some cool tape stuff to it? Snag the key? Then lift us out of here? Stand back, guys.
This is where preparation meets opportunity.
And I am prepared to nail this.
Here we go! (grunts) (shouts, grunts) Yeah, you're on your own, Bob.
(snoring) - (growling) - Tape, you can do it.
We need you, man.
(sighs) I-I can't pump up a self-help tape.
That's-that's your job.
Self-help yourself.
(strained): Yeah, I'm just gonna I'm gonna take five.
Bob, I feel like maybe you're the only one that can defeat the shame-tricity monster.
Again, not it.
I don't know how to do that.
- Squeeze me.
- Not right now.
Squeeze me.
Ugh, fine.
(grunts) Oh, my God.
That's it! The key is the key! The key is the key to my shame! What if I could grab it? Maybe it would kill the monster.
I like it.
I like it.
You're welcome.
And I could use rubber bands to climb up, so I can reach it.
Where are you gonna get rubber bands? Oh, boy.
Say hello to the, uh Fel-Fellow making yellow on a cello Cello's too wet so we get a clar Get a clarinet.
I can't do it! - I give up! - No, keep going! You got to not think about it.
Free your mind, and your hands will follow.
Or your butt.
I don't know how that goes.
- But keep going.
-(grumbles) No, clear your head.
Clarinet's too reedy Clarinet's too reedy, so we went to Ally Sheedy.
- Uh - Don't think about it.
Keep going.
Ally Sheedy's too busy Ally Sheedy's too busy, so we got her sister Lizzie Lizzie Sheedy likes to cuss when she's driving on the bus - These are the words she likes to say - She's doing it.
- Look at her go.
- Crotch, dingle Crap, boob, fart Nips, tips, double dips And that's why we drove off the cliff! Hell yeah! Hell yeah! That felt good! Can I do that again, Mom? Uh, sure, sweetie! Go ahead! Hell yeah! Hell yeah! (grunts) Okay, Squeezy Ball, we need to use you.
What's left of you.
But I still look the same, right? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, even younger.
Okay, I'm gonna throw you up over the top of the seat.
Okay, wait, what are you doing? Aah! (grunting) Come on, dream strength! Oh, I'm so weak.
I only weigh half a pound.
This might be a bad idea.
- There are no bad ideas! - No, there are.
Yeah, uh, getting a fire safe and losing the key.
Uh, not listening to a really good book on tape.
Yeah.
Not cleaning a car ever now seems like a really bad idea! Your shame-tricity monster is getting bigger, Bob! Are you making it mad or something? I don't know.
I'm kinda giving myself the opposite of a pep talk.
Well, it seems like that's making it stronger.
Right.
It's like I'm, it's like I'm giving it power.
I wonder if I stop beating myself up Ha! It got smaller! Okay.
All right.
Uh, um I'm not beating myself up.
I, uh I'm good at some stuff.
Um, Foosball, maybe? No, I'm not good at Foosball at all.
Oh, no, it just got bigger.
Restaurant stuff! You're really good at restaurant stuff! No, I'm not.
You're a millionaire restauranteur.
Uh, uh-huh.
Yeah.
Um, what else? Uh, you have so many ideas for burgers! Uh, I mean, I don't know.
And I bet you're a great lover.
Oh, no.
No.
You have soft hands? I do have soft hands.
- Oh! I got bigger.
- TAPE: You bought me! That shows some good judgment! Yes! I have some good judgment! But, seriously, back to the burger thing.
You really do have so many ideas for burgers! Okay, you're right! It's true! I-I am pretty good at burgers! Yeah! Yeah, you are! Wow, it's really small now.
It's almost cute.
Hey, I bet you could just grab the key.
Couldn't have made it small before it zapped me, huh? - Cool.
- All right, I'm going for the key! If I die, I want you guys to know that I love you.
- SQUEEZY BALL: I love you, too.
- Feels a little soon.
(shouting) (screaming) (grunts) (yells) Oh, my God.
It worked.
The key is in my hand.
The key is in my hand.
There's no key there.
Right.
It didn't feel like it was in there.
Also, that wouldn't make any sense.
But that's okay.
I lost the key, and that's okay.
Oh! Mwah.
Mwah.
(kissing sounds) I'm back.
I'm okay.
Were you guys worried? Did you call the cops? Yeah There you are.
You didn't see all the helicopters we sent for you? We had the best guys on the case.
Everyone, I want you to meet, uh, two very good friends.
This is Squeezy Ball and this is Tape.
Gene, I also found your cough drop.
My lucky cough drop! You didn't lick it, did you? Technically, no.
- Well, did you find the key? - No.
But that's okay.
I-I'm good at some things, and I'm not good at some things.
And-and that's okay.
Hang on.
Let me get a pencil, Dad.
- This is gold.
- Right.
But the animal hospital volunteer thing I want to do? We're-we're gonna go.
We're gonna go register you.
We're gonna take the safe with us.
I'm sure they've dealt with exactly this kind of thing before.
You know what, though? I kinda want to do marching band now because Look what Tina can do with her hands! Do they do .
that in marching band? - They will.
- Do you need a birth certificate? - Nope.
- I love it.
Look what Tina can do with her hands Look what Tina can do with her hands Look what Tina can do with her hands Look what Tina can do with her hands - (echoing) - Look what Tina - Can do with her hands - Boob Fart, nips, tips, double dips And that's why we drove off the cliff Look what Tina Can do with her hands Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Look what Tina can do with her hands Look what Tina can do with her hands Look what Tina can do with her hands Look what Tina can do with her hands.