Family Guy s11e01 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Hey, everyone.
You'll never guess who I ran into at the market just now.
Your hairdresser who's almost dead from cancer? Ross Fishman.
Your old boyfriend? The one with the penis? Peter, would you stop being so jealous? I dated Ross 20 years ago.
That's right.
And that means he had you first, Lois.
I'll always be Scottie Pippen to his Michael Jordan.
Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Jordan! And Scottie Pippen.
He's also good.
Why didn't they do Jordan last? Alphabetical? Oh, right.
That's smart.
You're smart.
But still.
Peter, don't be ridiculous.
Ross' wife was with him, and in fact, they invited us all over for dinner tonight.
Oh, come on, Lois.
I hate that guy.
I don't want to have dinner with him.
Hey! It's cooked food in another house.
That's exciting for life-over women like me.
We're going.
All right, fine.
But I'm gonna stare at his wife's boobs so hard that when they both go into the kitchen together, it will be discussed.
Ah, the cold car ride through a dark, suburban night.
Look out the window and think of death, kids.
It's a-comin'.
Wow, Pam.
Everything smells terrific.
Did you make all of this yourself? Yeah, I just got home from work, put down the lawyer's briefcase, and put on the chef's hat.
You know how it is.
Nah.
She don't do nothing.
So, Peter, Lois tells me that you're working at the brewery.
I think that's great.
A real job.
Trading futures, that's not real.
But the money is unreal.
Hey.
To real jobs.
That's it, Fishman.
Shirts off.
I want to see who's got bigger pecs.
Peter! Well, they look better when they're oiled up.
Pass the salad dressing.
Oh, no, it's an almost-empty squeeze bottle.
Hang on.
Eh, it's all out.
There's dressing on that salad.
Give me that salad.
Yeah, who's the better man now, Ross? Brian, what are you doing down there? They didn't set a place for me.
Not a dog family.
Oh.
G'way.
G'way, you.
So, Ben, do you go to James Woods High? No.
I'm a junior at The Meadows.
It's a private school.
Oh, do they do it so right at The Meadows.
Class size is so small.
And they really know your child.
They care.
Mr.
Wiggins rested his thing on Jen Crosby's shoulder during a test.
Yes, I'm told James Woods High leads the nation in teacher-to-student "thing resting.
" Well, it's family that really matters, and no family is closer than ours.
That's why we love taking trips together.
Here we are in Machu Picchu.
Is that the topless place in South Attleboro? I spat on a chick there at a work retreat.
Peter, just stop talking.
What? We been places.
They ain't so great.
Well, this year is perhaps our biggest trip ever.
We're climbing Mount Everest.
Oh, yeah? Is that right? Well, so are we! We are? Peter, I highly doubt that.
I mean, no offense, but it doesn't look like your family would be up to the task.
I think he's right about that.
After all, we couldn't even turn a double play.
All right, Griffins, on the ground, we're going to second.
Let's turn two here.
Ground ball's a double play ball.
Play's at second.
Let's look sharp.
Tough "D.
" Tough "D.
" Let's flash that leather.
Head in the game.
Play's to second.
This infield is the Great Wall of China: nothing's getting past us.
Good "D" behind you, Bri.
Good "D" all around.
I'm okay, everyone.
Don't worry, I am okay.
My voice sounds weird, this is weird, I know, but I feel fine.
Man, what a bunch of jerks.
Yeah, we should call Ross and tell him, "This is the hospital, and your mom's dead.
" And then, he'll be like, "What hospital?" And we'll be like, "Saint Up Yours," and then and then that's, like, two jokes.
Look, I'm sorry, Lois.
I-I know we can't climb Mount Everest.
I-It's just, that guy really got to me, and I wanted to stick it to him.
Will you call tomorrow and make some excuse that doesn't make me look bad? Ooh, I know.
Tell him I'm a pathological liar and that I've been under a lot of stress because of the child rape charges I'm facing.
I think we should do it.
What? Lois, you can't be serious.
Oh, I'm dead serious.
You think I liked sitting there pretending to be polite to those people while they talked down to us like that? Well, I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of this family always feeling second best.
I want to do something we can be proud of.
I want Stewie, Meg, and Chris to grow up with some confidence.
Then don't buy our shoes at the car wash.
But climbing the world's most dangerous mountain? Isn't that a little extreme? Maybe.
But if the Fishmans can do it, so can we.
Yeah, we're just as good as them or any other family.
That's right.
You guys, we're climbing Mount Everest.
Let's do it! Yay! I drank seven cups of coffee at the Fishmans'! Oh, crap.
It's Quagmire.
I don't want him knowing about this.
He's always trying to horn in on our plans.
Hey, what's going on? You guys up to something? Shh-shh, kids, don't move.
Hello? So we're really doing this? We're actually gonna climb Mount Everest? How are you okay with this? Well, if we make it to the summit, I could pee there, and then it would be mine.
'Cause the rule is, the highest pee wins.
Okay, gang, once we arrive in Nepal, we'll get all the supplies we need for the trip up Everest.
Okay, but remember, kids, the people there have never seen people before.
So when they walk up to you, quickly stuff a dollar bill in their mouth.
And then you can pet 'em as much as you want.
Is that true, Dad? Nah, truth is, I don't know nothing about this place.
I don't even know why it's called Nepal.
The mountains look like nipples.
Well, you can't just call a country Nipples.
What about Nepal? Ooh, I like that.
Ha.
Shocker: God gets it right.
Okay, now, we got to make sure we've got all the provisions before we head up to base camp.
'Cause I don't think there's gonna be a Star Market halfway up the mountain.
Oh, Mom.
That's our local market at home.
Okay, let's split up and meet in an hour in front of The Yak Shack.
And my mom is pounding on the door, and I'm like, "Mom, don't come in here.
I'm yakking off.
" Boo.
So, I've been carrying this really promiscuous guide around, and my back starts itching.
I go to the doctor, turns out I got sherpies.
Ha-ha! Yeah, I'll meet you guys here.
I'm just gonna be here.
Peter, I don't think we need a donkey for this climb.
Of course we don't need a donkey, Lois.
It's a status thing here.
You, leather man.
You sell me donkey.
I don't know what it is, but you have got it.
Oh, my God.
It's enormous.
Lois, this is probably a terrible time to remember this, but I think I might have left the weed whacker on.
Well, look who's here.
I didn't believe you'd actually follow through with this.
Oh, hey, Fishman.
Hey, listen, on a scale of one to ten, how bad is the bathroom situation up here? Like, ten is a suite at the Four Seasons, and one is a tied-up raincoat sleeve at a party in your honor.
Yes, we're here, Ross.
When our family says that we're gonna do something, we follow through with it.
Yeah, in fact, not only are we gonna climb it, we are gonna beat you guys to the top.
I seriously doubt that.
Oh, yeah? Well, so do I! Yeah, so you watch it, Fishman.
We are gonna beat you so bad, you'll think you gave Chris Brown an STD.
Is that what happened? You're not gonna beat us to the top.
In fact, you probably won't even climb Everest at all.
You don't have the nerve.
Like hell I don't.
Getting to the top ahead of you is gonna be one of the greatest moments of my life.
It might even beat graduating from chiropractor school.
Robert Baker.
Brad O'Bannon.
Anyone.
Okay, the Fishmans are heading up the North Face, but I've been studying this map and I think we've got a better chance of beating them if we go up the South Face.
Oh, we don't need a map, Brian.
I got us a GPMS machine.
Go up.
What do you think? Just go up.
Sorry.
Okay, can everyone just stop freaking out and just give me, like, two minutes? God! Everyone's always yelling at me.
W All the questions! All right, well, maybe we'll turn you on later and see how you feel.
She was so nice in the store.
Well, come on, everyone, let's get started.
Brian, I'm not sure I can do this.
It's chillier out here than Angelina Jolie.
Something like that.
I-I-I don't know, I-I-I'm so cold.
She took that sad old lady's husband.
You're just gonna have to block out the cold, Stewie.
Picture yourself in a warm place.
Okay, I think I can do that.
Do you remember The 21st night of September? Love was changing the minds of pretenders While chasing the clouds away Our hearts were ringing In the key that our souls were singing As we danced in the night Remember How the stars stole the night away Yeah, yeah, yeah Ba de ya Say, do you remember Ba de ya Dancing in September? Ba de ya Never was a cloudy day Do you want the heat on, sir? Yes, please.
Oh, my God.
How are we supposed to get across this? W-We have to walk on those ladders? Guys, be sure to look down the whole time.
It's really deep and freaky and disorienting.
Peter! Oh, my God! Dad! It's okay! There's a huge pile of dead bodies down here that cushioned my fall! Do any of them seem like they have any extra tampons in their backpack? Uh, no! "No," like you checked and there aren't any, "no"? Or "no," you're just assuming? I-I'm embarrassed.
Peter, you left the flap open.
It's like a thousand degrees in here, Lois.
Close the tent now! It's freezing! Headline: "Woman Cold.
" My God.
I think I see the Fishmans.
They're down on that ridge.
We're ahead of them! Well, then let's keep moving.
You guys, we can do this.
We can beat them! Hey, you know, I heard, when you drink at high altitude, it hits you even faster.
Whoo! Party! I love you guys! You don't know how much you mean to me.
You think you're better than me? Why can't you hit a curveball? I've done nothing with my life! Hey, cats, is everybody cool? Sammy Davis Jr.
? What are you doing up here? Whatever Frank tells me to do, man.
Hey, Sam, get back in here and carry my golf clubs.
Yas, boss! Ew.
Seems kind of racist, doesn't it? No, no, 'cause, 'cause Sammy's in on it.
Okay But he's still carrying the clubs.
This is so hard! I can't do this, Mom! Come on! Keep pushing, kids! We're almost there! I'm feeling nauseous.
I think I got altitude sickness.
Hey, Brian, you want a pukesicle? I would love a pukesicle.
I can see the top of the mountain! Let's move it! We made it! I don't believe it! We climbed Mount Everest! Isn't it amazing, Brian? You can see for Oh, you're doing your pee thing, right.
I don't really know what the point is.
I mean, there's no way other dogs can smell this.
Trust me, Stewie.
They'll know.
They'll know the world is now mine.
no way.
Oh, my God, you guys.
I'm so proud of us all! We made it! We proved that we're not second-best! Well, look who finally got here.
You, you beat us? Don't feel too bad, gang.
We only beat you by one hour, And, quite frankly, we're bored of it up here.
So you guys enjoy it.
We're gonna head back down.
I hate those guys.
Yeah, me, too.
Come on.
Let's head back down.
At least the hard part's over.
I'm not so sure about that.
You might want to take a look at those storm clouds.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, it looks like it's closing in fast.
We're all gonna die! All right, everyone get into a hilarious pose, so when they dig out our bodies, they'll have a good laugh.
Heh.
This guy's pretty funny.
This is terrible! The storm keeps getting worse! Mom, I can't even see! And the scarf Brian called "a gay waste" makes a rather important appearance.
I'm so hungry.
Me, too.
I don't know if I can keep going.
Peter, I still don't understand.
How the hell can we already be out of food? Didn't I tell you to bring trail mix? Yeah, but by that I thought you meant a set list of totally awesome tunes, which I do have.
I got the power! And after this, it's "Everybody Dance Now" and after that, it's "Come Baby Come.
" That sounds like Jock Jams.
It is similar to Jock Jams.
It is Jock Jams.
You guys, look, there's something up ahead.
I think it's a person.
Oh, my God, maybe they have food.
Maybe it's a rescue team.
Oh, my God, it's Ben Fishman.
Is he? Yep.
He's dead.
Oh, great.
Not only are we caught in this blizzard, but there's some maniac up here freezing people to death.
That poor boy.
We should bury him.
It's only right.
Yeah, yeah, we should, Lois.
You're right.
Or we could Could what? Eat him.
Brian! Look, if we don't eat something soon, we're all gonna pass out from exhaustion and freeze to death just like him.
Are we really considering this? We're talking about eating a person.
Yeah, I'm not so sure about this.
Oh, I thought we decided.
I'm sorry.
Well I guess we don't have a choice.
I am oddly prepared for this.
Oh, God, Peter.
I hope Ben would forgive us for what we did.
Look, we needed to eat, the same way birds need to fly.
What do you mean, you don't have our names on there? My wife and I absolutely have to be on this flight.
I'm doing the best I can, sir.
Do you have your confirmation number? I think you'll find all the information you need on here.
Sir, this is just a piece of paper with the word "south" written on it.
Can I speak to your supervisor? You guys, there's someone up ahead.
Ben?! Ben?! Oh, my God, it's the Fishmans.
They look terrible.
Have you seen Ben? We lost him in the storm.
We're headed back up to find him.
I just hope he's not trapped in some crevice somewhere.
Well, my gut tells me he'll be squeezing himself out of a crevice very soon.
Oh! We finally made it below the storm.
Look! I see base camp! Yay! We're gonna be okay! Wait! We have to go back.
What? What are you talking about? Kids, your mom is clearly delirious from the altitude.
I say we leave her behind and marry that hot new assistant from my work.
Look, Ben freezing to death was one thing.
We had nothing to do with that.
But we just let Ross and Pam walk back up there, probably to their deaths.
And you know what? That's not who we are.
We're the Griffins.
And you know how we win? You know how we keep from being second-best? We do the right thing.
We go back up there and save them.
Tell me again why we ate a person before we ate the dog.
Your mom's right.
Let's head back up there.
Plus, if we don't rescue the Fishmans, their Jewish god is just gonna sit there and make us feel guilty.
You do whatever you want.
Over here! I think I smell 'em! Oh, my God! Look down there! We got to get them out! They'll die down there! Well, we've got some rope.
Quick, Peter! You're the only one strong enough to carry two people.
All right, I got 'em! Pull me up! Peter, we can't do it! You're too heavy! Keep going! You're almost there! I found a rock I like.
Griffins, I don't know how to thank you.
We never would have made it without your help.
Oh, you would've done the same for us.
There are more important things than a petty rivalry.
We're just happy that you're okay.
Well, thank you both.
You saved our lives.
And Peter, I'll never forget what you did for us.
You're a good man.
All right, you rest up, get better, we ate your son.
Bring it up!