Frasier s11e01 Episode Script

You trying to save Frasier from me or you trying to save him for yourself? Are you out of your mind? Are you in love with him? Tell me now or I swear to God, I will walk out of here and I will not come back! There's no chance you'll change your mind, is there? No, KACL is ancient history, Niles,,, I need to talk to you, You're not with Frasier, are you? Why does everybody treat us like we're joined at the hip? I do have coffee with people other than my brother, you know? Good, 'cause I'm avoiding him, Well, then, talk fast, He's meeting me in five minutes, It's about my new job, It's a nightmare, Didn't you just start today? Yes,,, my boss already hit on me, I'm supposed to work nights and weekends, and my assistant is an idiot and I can't fire her 'cause she's like three minorities rolled into one, I can't believe I left KACL over some stupid snit, Oh, yes, yes-- your ultimatum, Frasier told me about that, Listen, this isn't an easy subject to broach, but,,, is it possible you're in love with Frasier ? Absolutely not, You sound sure, I am sure, If I were going to fall for him, it would have been two years ago when we slept together, Well, another theory I'd like to explore is,,, Whoa, back up! You and Frasier slept together? He didn't tell you No, Well, I suppose it's only natural, When the wolf and the lamb work together, it's only a matter of time before the wolf gets his way, I hope you were gentle with him, Just promise me you won't tell him I told you, I promise, I promise, So,,, you're not in love, But your behavior last night clearly indicates some sort of crisis, As a psychiatrist,,, I just want my job back, I'm not looking for some therapy trip, All right, well,,, why don't you just sweep your emotions under the rug and waltz back to the station as if nothing ever happened? That's perfect , Thanks, No, no, I was being facetious, My real advice would be,,, I know, Talk about my feelings,,, blah-blah, woof-woof, I got to go, Niles, Thanks again, DAPHNE: Hey, Roz, Hey, Roz, Hello, darling, Hey, you, Well, we're all set, I got us a home pregnancy test, a basal body thermometer, and ovulation kit, NILES: Perfect, I can upload all your data into this fertility program I bought, You kids sure know how to keep the romance alive, Uh, two coffees, please, Since when do you need a chemistry set to make a baby? I hear a "in my day" coming, In my day, it was simple, The girl would put on something slinky, a guy comes home, has a couple of pops throws some Dean Marti n on the hi-fi, and bim-bam-boom-- you're lighting a Lucky FRASIER: Dad, Daphne, hi, How you doing? Listen, Niles, I've got to cancel our dinner, I have to meet Roz's replacement over at the station before the show, What's this? Are you pregnant? Not yet, but we're trying, Oh, well, congratulations, You've got all the fertility software and so forth? Of course, We're not animals, We're very excited, Yes, we were up half the night imagining life with our first child, Well, first child you know about, What does that mean? Well, it's not what you think, Daphne, I was just referring to the time when Niles sold his sperm to a sperm bank, Surely, you told her about it, Off I go, You sold your sperm? Well, it was when I was home from medical school, I saw an ad for sperm donors, so I sold my sperm to the sperm bank,,, Stop using that word! Say "S, " I sold my "S" to earn some money so I could buy Dad a Christmas present, Which present? The fishing pole, You bought that with "S" money? Why didn't you tell me Well, it was such a long time ago, it completely slipped my mind, You're not really upset, are you? Well, of course I am, That was my favorite pole, I just thought this would be the first child for both of us, You could be a daddy already, There could be dozens of little Niles Cranes running around, He could be your son, Or him, Oh, please, they look nothing like me, Besides, I only went down there one time, It's possible they never used my sample, Can I borrow your sugar? DAPHNE: Yeah, I'd better look into this, There she is, Now, I've got to warn you, Doc, She's in an eelchair-way, Does her handicap preclude her from understanding Pig Latin? Dr, Frasier Crane, king of the shrinks, meet Dana Willoughby, queen of the sound board, Hello, Dana, Oh, it's my pleasure, Likewise, I'm sure Listen, if you have any questions, anything you'd like to know .
please feel free to call on me, I'm here for you, You know, actually there was one thing,,, Will you excuse me? Julia! Oh, hi, Frasier! Listen, we still on for dinner at Chez Henri tonight? Yes, of course, Do you have reservations? Not as long as you're wearing something black and slinky, Ten seconds, Dr, Crane, Oh,,, Listen, why don't you stop by my place tonight for a cocktail first? I'll see you at 7:00, Okay, Hello, Seattle, This is Dr, Frasier Crane, Our topic today is,,, "New Beginnings, " I'd like you all to join me in welcoming a new member to the KACL family,,, Hey, Kenny, Sorry I'm late Hey, Roz,,, Whoa, whoa! What are you doing here? I work here, You quit! Oh, come on, Kenny, If I quit, would I be here? Who's that I'm sorry-- I hired her because I thought,,, Didn't you quit? Kenny, what's wron g with you? Never mind-- I'll fix it like always, Oh, thanks, Roz, I owe you one, As many of you may know, my producer of ten years, Roz Doyle, has left us for greener pastures, Now, Roz was not only known for her producing prowess, but also for her warmth, her kindness and her gentle spirit, Very well, then-- a beginning of a new era, Let's go to our first caller, We have Scott on line two, WOMAN: Niles Crane, Hi, I'll get you a cup and you can start,,, Oh, uh, no, no, no, I've already donated my essence to your establishment, Now I'd like to get it back, I'm sorry, It's against our policy to return essences, Oh, I see, Well, could I at least check and see whether my donation was used? You know, see if my deposit has drawn any interest, Sir, I've worked here 28 years, Think you can tell me one I haven't heard? Go ahead, Try me, No, According to our records, your sample wasn't used, So there are no little Niles Cranes running around, What a relief, Isn't it? Thank you for your time Just a quick question, Based on my qualifications, I'd assumed there' d be some interest, Any nibbles? According to our records, your sample was discarded, It was rated substandard, Substandard? Your sperm had very low motility, So they're,,, Slow movers, Really? But that, that was more than 20 years ago, s There's a chance that my situation' improved since then, isn't there? Can you run faster now than you did 20 years ago? So, you're saying it might be difficult for my wife and me to conceive? Very difficult, yes, I'm sorry, Uh, thank you, Ah! Excuse me, sir, Terribly sorry, Carry on, (doorbell ringing) Eddie, you get stuck in there again and you're on your own Hey, Niles, Hey, Dad, Is Frasier here? Uh, primping, Oh, He's going out with Julia, Right, right, Daphne's out with her mum tonight, so I thought I'd borrow a DVD, Oh, well, you're in luck I just picked this one up, Crime Scene Bloopers 4: You Have the Right to Remain Zany, Sounds tempting, but I'm, uh, I'm looking for something a little more soothing, I didn't have the best day, Oh, what happened? Got some bad news at the "S" bank, Apparently I suffer from low motility, Oh, I'm sorry, son, How'd Daphne take it? Uh, well, I haven't had the heart to tell her yet, but, uh, I'm hoping I won't have to, I did some research today and I found out there's some things I can do to help rouse the troops, Oh, yeah? Like what? Uh, well, such as wearing baggy pants, and, uh, boxers instead of briefs, Studies show that men who allow their genitals to swing freely,,, Okay, I got it, No hot baths, no alcohol, raw seafood, and I've started a regimen of dietary supplements, Which reminds me, What's that ? French maritime pine bark extract, It boosts fertility and also acts as a mild euphoric, which accounts for the well-known joviality of French sailors, Terrible aftertaste though, (grunts) I thought those were supposed to be crunchy, Oh, Niles, Dad, Julia's on her way, You told me you'd keep to your room while she's here , And take your Cheeto-stained dog with you, MARTIN: Eddie, come on, boy, too, I'll be,,, I'll be leaving, Oh, no, Niles, could you stay for just a moment? There's something going on in my life that requires a bit of mulling, Sherry? No, thanks, No? But we never mull without sherry, Not for me, Very well, Have a seat, Uh, I'd rather stand, Suit yourself, Anyway, it's about Roz After quitting her job, twice, she shows up back at work again today, Waist deep in a sea of denial, Well, I confronted her on the issue,,, What the hell are you doing? Sorry, Go on, Anyway, I confronted her on the issue, and she refused to discuss it with me, She wouldn't even look me in the eye, Leads me to just one conclusion, Niles, She's in love with me, Uh,,, I wouldn't necessarily jump to that conclusion, That's because you don't have all the facts, I never shared this with you before, Niles, so brace yourself, Two years ago Roz and I slept together, Get out! You and Roz?! We did have a chance to discuss it thoroughly, Talked things out, And at the time she seemed happy to remain friends, I realize now that I must have kindled a spark in her-- that lit the torch she carries to this day, So what do you think,,, (humming) Are your pants humming? It's,,, it's my test icular hypothermia device, It promotes motility by keeping my nether regions at a cool and constant 96 degrees (doorbell ringing) Oh, dear, No, no, that wasn't me,,, Yes, I know,I know that, Oh, Julia, hi, Hello, Good to see you, What's all this ? It's dinner, I know, We said we'd go out, but I thought it'd be more fun to stay in, And what's in here Is this dessert? Well, you could call it that, Oh! Hello, Niles, Hello, Well, I'll just go start dinner, Fine, Well,,, Looks like someone's getting lucky tonight, She was, but I'm beginning to have second thoughts, Why? Niles, Julia and I have never been together sexually, Look what happened with Roz, We slept together two years ago-- she's still suffering, In the sense of pining, Frasier, you don't really suppose that after one night, Julia,,, Open your eyes, Niles! It's the same scenario, An infatuated coworker, a night of passion, What if things don't work out between us? Every day she'll be forced to stare through the glass at me,,, wondering what might have been until one day, like Roz, she goes mad, Um, I'm leaving now Can I pick you up anything on Earth? Oh, Niles, don't you see? I'm just trying to be responsible, I don't want to sleep with Julia until I know that there' s a future for us, Well, Frasier, I'm sure you'll make the right choice, but if you'll permit me an observation, you do tend to take things to extremes, (beeping) Oh, I have to plug myself into my cigarette lighter and recharge, So,,, alone at last, Yes, But, you know, there's really no need for you to go to all this trouble, We can still have dinner at Chez Henri, No, dinner's coming along great , In fact, um,,, I've got a little sauce right here if you want to taste it, Oh, Well,,, Mm, That's yummy, yes, I've had such a stressful day, You know what would feel great? A back rub You know where I could find a pair of strong, manly hands? You know, I think Zoltan from the club makes house calls, Let me get you his number Frasier, is everything all right? Yes, of course, Because if you're not interested,,, Oh, no, no, no, I am, I am, I'm very interested ; It's just that,,, Before we take things to the next level, you should know there are certain risks, Oh, my God, You've got a sexually - transmitted disease, No, no, no, no, Of course not, Of course not,,, Oh,,, Although, in a manner of speaking,,, (doorbell ringing) Oh, excuse me, It's Roz, What's she doing here? Listen, uh, just give us a moment or two together and I'll get rid of her, Fine, Hey, Fras, Hi, Roz, Can I come in? Yes, Is,,, everything okay? Look, I know how crazy I've been acting lately, I,,, here last night and today at the radio station, I mean, I don't even understand it myself, But then I took this long walk and I think I finally figured it out, I just feel so stupid, No, Roz, Not stupid, Human, And all too vulnerable, You've realized that you're in love with me, No, that's not it, Come on, I can see why you would think that based on how I've been acting, but that's not it, Okay, okay, just to be clear, you haven't been pining over me since we slept together? God, no, Weren't you there ? Just, uh,,, hold that thought, I've got to get in the kitchen and move something back to the front burner, Julia, Oh, let me guess, Roz is staying for dinner, No, no, no, Just us, Listen, I'd like to apologize for,,, being skittish earlier, I,,, just chalk it up to nerves, all right? I mean, after all, this is a big night for us, We've never done this before, I have, Well, as have I, What I meant was,,, No, no, I know what you meant, So,,, You're forgiven, Thank you, Where were we? Oh, oh, yes, I believe we were about to sample some sauce, Ow! Ow! That's hot! Hot! Oh, God! I'll just go get rid of Roz! You know, we've got so much to talk about, What do you say we pick this up again tomorrow over a cup of coffee? (laughing) : Okay, My God, you have quite the ego on you, We slept together like two years ago, What do you think, you're some kind of slow-acting time-release love bomb? I don't remember you having any complaints when we were in bed, I seem to recall hearing the term "stallion-like, " I never said that, Well, one of us did, Okay, this is just too weird, Julia,,, No, this is obviously a bad night for you, Look, Roz was just leaving, Well, I'll send the elevator back up for her, Juli,,, Oh, Frasier, I'm so sorry about that, No, it's my fault I never should have let you in, Well, I guess I've given Julia another reason to hate me, She doesn't hate you, Roz, Oh, well, she doesn't like me, and when the girlfriend doesn't like the friend, guess who gets the boot, That's not always true, Just went through this with my dad, I was always really close to him, even after my parents split up, and six months ago he married this woman I don't get along with, and it's like I don't exist I'm sorry, That's what I finally realized tonight, I guess I saw Julia getting her hooks into you and I,,, I freaked, Roz,,, the day a woman tells me that I can't be friends with you is the day I know I picked the wrong woman, Thanks, Frasier, Say, Julia has a dangerously hot meal cooking in the kitchen, Why don't you stay? Oh, that sounds great, But wait, She went to all this trouble to make this dinner for you, If she finds out I'm the one who ate it, it'll kill her, You can't tell her, Roz, Come on, please, (soft music plays) Hello? Hello, Daphne! What are you doing here? I thought you had plans tonight, Who says I don't? Champagne? Oh, sounds wonderful, Uh, on second thought, not tonight, I just thought you might like something to wash down these oysters, Oh,,, Actually, I'm avoiding raw seafood, Would it be too much trouble to put them in a bisque? Now? I'm sorry, I'm just,,, a little surprised by all this, I thought I'd follow your father's advice, A little less science, a little more romance, (whirring and beeping) And apparently it's working, That would be my TestiCool 2000, Your what? I should have told you this earlier, I had some disappointing news today, It seems that I suffer from low motility and it might not be possible for us to conceive, Oh, I'm so sorry, Don't be sorry We'll be all right There's so many things they can do these days to help infertile couples, True, And until we find out more, I don't see why we don't give Mother Nature a shot, I took the test today, I'm ovulating, Mmm,,, (chuckling) Well, in that case,,, Iast one upstairs is a rot,,, Oh, Daph, this isn't the ovulation kit, It's the pregnancy test, Oh, silly me, They look so much,,, We're pregnant Oh, my God, we are, aren't we? But my slow sperm,,, I must have fast eggs, Daphne, I love you, I love you, too, Oh, ow, oh, ow, that hurts, Something seems to be short-circuiting, Ow! Ow! Ow! That's your daddy,