Married with Children s11e01 Episode Script

Hey, Peg.
A fat woman hedgehogged her way into the shoe store today Popcorn air freshener.
That could only mean one thing.
- Bundy night at the movies! - Bundy night at the movies! Oh, Peg, you even got the floor sticky, just like at the theatre.
You know what else we do at the theatre? You're not gonna put M&M's in your lap and make me hunt for them? By the time I get there, they've melted and it gets all gooey.
Well, you know, if you'd get there sooner, they'd melt in your mouth.
Oh, Peg, it just doesn't get any better than this.
I owe you one.
- Well, maybe after the movies, Al - I said owe, Peg, as in "not pay.
" - Hey.
- Dad.
Have anything I could use to create the Impression we're having a windstorm? Yes, but he's sitting on it.
See, my date really gets turned on by scary situations.
Apparently, taking his clothes off isn't enough.
So I decided to create a fake tornado.
You know, my own little natural disaster.
Oh, like one of your hand-lotlon tsunamis? Now, let's not tease Bud.
He might turn out weird.
You know, I really did see something on Oprah that said women really do get turned on by life-threatening situations.
- I know i do.
- Me too.
Why don't you go upstairs and slip into a dry-cleaning bag see what that does for us? I'm getting all hot just thinking about it.
And you wonder why I have problems with women.
- No, we don't.
- No, we don't.
Looks like we made it just in time, Ariel.
That tornado's gonna hit any second now.
But there's not a cloud in the sky.
Well, haven't you ever heard of the calm before the storm? No.
But then, I just realized the Olsen twins are two people.
Look, why don't you just take a look outside and you tell me what you see, okay? Wait a minute.
Doesn't lightning come before thunder? Yeah, sure, except in very bad storms when the positive and negative ions make everything, you know, kooky.
Wow, it's getting really windy out there, Bud.
You'd better bring those fans in before they blow away.
I just put those fans out there to create a counter-vortex to the tornado.
Bud, you are so smart and sexy.
I don't know what you see in me.
Hopefully me, in a minute.
These shoes are too big.
I'm swimming in them.
Well, that would explain the life preserver under your dress.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
You've never been employee of the month, have you? That's right, but if I were you, I wouldn't be going out on any limbs.
Look, I told you, I'm a five.
And you are going to sell me a five if I have to sit here all night.
So because you're mad at me you're going to take it out on a perfectly innocent chair a chair that has suffered enough already.
Well, I have just about had enough of you.
You wouldn't say that if I came with fries and a medium drink.
You know medium, the size between small and you.
I'm not leaving here until you help me.
I don't know what I could do that God and Deal-A-Meal couldn't but I'll give it a shot.
Griff, you got any aspirin? Or a harpoon? I'm not talking to you.
I can't believe you're still whining about that little practical joke.
You sent me to death row.
You made a few close friends.
And they gave you a cool nickname, Black Beauty.
Mrs.
Black Beauty.
You said you wanted to remarry.
Yeah, but not to a 250-pound Filipino.
Since when are you prejudiced? - They strapped me in the electric chair.
- We'd have rescued you sooner.
But when you order a burger well-done, it ought to come well-done.
Another few seconds, you could have cooked it on my lap.
Well, then, where would Mr.
Black Beauty sit? Excuse me, but am I invisible? Possibly from Pluto.
Wow, with the money Bud spent to get those trees to bend he could have just paid for sex, like any normal person.
We interrupt Oprah for live coverage of a local twister.
You know, you gotta give Bud credit.
I mean, those live power lines really look like they hit that school bus.
Kelly, that really is a twister.
Those kids really are trapped on that bus.
- Cool.
- Cool? How could you be so insensitive? This storm could preempt Oprah.
Peggy, Kelly.
As your civil defence block captain, I'm taking charge.
You are to follow my orders without asking any questions.
So we're supposed to act like Mr.
D'Arcy? I said no questions.
First, unplug all the appliances.
Oh, I did that when we moved in.
Okay.
Then we've got to get to the safest place in the house.
Oh, well, that would be Bud's room because nothing ever happens down there.
All right, well, hurry.
You've only got time to grab your most precious, personal possession.
Can I take two? Somebody help me.
Hey, Al, the wind is really kicking up on the food court! This tornado is great.
I'll take a falafel.
I'll bet you would.
All right, now, look.
All right, that's it.
Just a minute.
A little bit to leeward.
There.
All right, now, do me a favour.
Don't stand up till I get my Oh, these feel great.
Do they have a special gel lining? Yes, that's the blood spurting from my severed digit.
Well, these are perfect for my flamenco class.
Help me.
Help me.
Help me.
Al, we gotta go.
It's getting real scary out there.
Not as scary as it is down here.
Don't worry.
I won't leave you, Buddy.
Help! Help! Help me! See you, buddy! I wonder what could happen to make this situation any worse.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Okay, Marcy.
I opened all the windows, tied down the rose bushes, turned off the gas and cut your underwear into tiny little pieces.
Why'd you do that? Because I wanted to be the block captain.
Well, you're not.
Hey, Mom, do you think Dad's safe from the tornado? Oh, honey, I'm sure he's protected by his "cone of smell.
" Yeah, but what if it's like The Wizard of Oz? Kelly, what are you thinking? Daddy's gonna get sucked up by a tornado, spin around in the air and then land smack on some wicked witch? Help! I'm home.
Well, I guess all we need now is to have a house fall on us.
Cool.
I told you I was a size five.
Well, Al, so much for your little threesome fantasy.
Oh, that was no threesome, Peg.
That was a fivesome.
Oh, why, oh, why, did I have to land here? Why couldn't it have been a nice toxic waste dump? Well, it is.
I think I might have cracked my pelvis.
- Quit whining, Al.
- Hey, you.
I just survived Operation Dumbo Drop.
I don't wanna have no lip from you.
Come on, Al.
The women are depending on us for emotional strength.
It's coming, Marcy! Do something, quick! What did you do that for? Well, Marcy did it and she's the block captain.
Well, she certainly has the haircut for it.
People, people, don't panic.
Everything will be fine if we just all move into the basement in an orderly fashion.
Me! Me! Hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Now, aren't we forgetting something? Wage-earners before couch potatoes? No.
I mean Lucky.
Where is he? Same place we always put him during bad weather.
Outside.
Come on, let's get in the basement.
Well, I'm not going anywhere until I get Lucky.
Well, that should take about 30 seconds.
Kelly, you take this walkie-talkie with you and call us if you need help.
Okay.
Oh, you know what? I better take this one, just in case this one breaks.
Well, good luck and Godspeed.
And remember, we're all in this together.
Hey! Let me in! I am your block captain.
I am your leader.
You will die without me.
I am in charge.
You will die without a leader.
Let me in.
I'm gonna break this door down.
One, two, three! Attention.
I hate you people.
Yeah, well, imagine how I feel.
We're in the middle of something here.
This is an emergency.
Please put on your pants.
There's a twister coming.
No, there isn't.
I just rigged up some hoses and fans to trick Ariel into sleeping with me.
Yes, Bud, but in the meantime, a real storm blew in.
So I went to all this trouble for nothing? Bud, you're obscene.
Who could possibly get turned on in the face of disaster? Oh, I'm not turned on.
I just need shelter.
You could be a tree or a garage or Or a laundry-folding wimp.
Women, be brave.
There is no reason to lean on us or touch us in any way.
For once, I agree with Al.
As your civil defence block captain, there will be no sex during the storm.
No.
No.
No.
Help us, Al! Do something.
Don't do that.
Not that way.
Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Well, I guess it's safe enough to go upstairs now.
But be careful.
There could be loose beams.
Oh, damn door is jammed.
Move aside, Marcy.
Let the men handle this.
Jefferson? - Bud.
- All right, Dad.
What? What? No, no! Wait! No! Damn door.
Damn Bud's head.
Damn soft spot that never healed.
Try it again.
Al, put him down.
All right.
Get out of here.
Furniture must be blocking the door.
I hope my couch is okay.
There must be another way out of here.
Hey, Al, how about the secret way out? It's a secret.
- Now, don't panic, Jefferson.
- You're right.
After all, Kelly knows we're down here.
Right.
And as soon as she remembers - Help! Help! - Help! Help! Come on, Lucky.
Come here, Lucky.
Please, stop.
Come on, Lucky.
That's weird.
I can outrun a tornado, but I can't catch the damn dog.
Maybe I'll try chasing the tornado for a while.
Yeah, okay.
Here, twister.
Come on, twister.
Here, twister.
Well, since we're stuck here, we might as well play Mad Libs.
Okay? I need a verb.
Cluck.
Okay.
Somebody give me a command.
Cluck you? I like you.
You know, perhaps Mad Libs is just a little too advanced for you people so let's just play 20 questions, okay? Who'll ask the first question? Go to hell.
That's not a question.
Why don't you go to hell? I really like you.
Well, I'm good at games, except I always lose at strip poker.
Game time is over.
Perhaps this would be a good time to hand out the food.
Okay.
But supplies are limited.
So we're gonna have to pace ourselves.
Good powdered turkey.
Dad, you're supposed to dissolve it in water first.
Yeah, I thought the turkey was a little dry this year.
Peg, open up the powdered yams.
Al, I can't believe you'd expect me to cook at a time like this.
Well, it's not over yet, folks.
That tornado that hit Cook County is expected to double back at force five.
Force five? That's five times stronger than the last one.
Dear God, no.
I can't live through that again.
Oh, the darkness, the cold, the awful suction! - I'm not talking about the tornado, Al.
- Neither am I.
Hey, Al, I know that we swore on a stack of Big'Uns to keep the secret way out a secret, but You're right, Jefferson.
This is a matter of life or sex.
- You got your key? - Always.
On my mark.
Okay, Jefferson.
Hurry up.
You realize we may never see our wives again.
I know.
- I think we made it, Jefferson.
- Yeah.
We're in heaven.
It's not fair.
The Cowardly Lion got courage the Tin Man got a heart, and you got a brain.
- What did the Wizard give you? A physical.
Hey, cut it out!