Frasier s11e02 Episode Script

It's official.
Dr.
Lee says we're pregnant.
Oh, I'm so excited .
Hello in there .
It's your pater .
Oh, stop it.
So, how do you want to make the announcement? Uh Well, Frasier's on his way over.
We could No.
He's a blabber mouth.
Let's have him and your dad over for dinner tonight and we can tell them at the same time.
If you already had a plan, why did you ask me how I wanted to do it? Well, because if you'd have had the same idea, then I could have agreed with it, which would have given you the illusion of control.
The waiting room had Cosmo.
Oh.
All right.
I have just the quotation for the beginning of the announcement.
It's from Robert Burns .
"Beneath the shelter of an aged tree; "Th' expectant wee-things, toddlin', stacher through To meet their dad, wi' - filchterin' noise and glee Moving, eh? Yes, but not just because of the poem.
I'm late for a hair appointment.
Oh.
Hi, you two.
Hello.
Hi, Daph.
Good to see you.
Hello, Niles.
Hey.
Uh, my usual, please.
Well, I've ruined another relationship.
I suppose you'll want to hear the whole sorry tale.
No, thank you.
Last night, Julia came over and, as usual, I made a mess of things.
Did you say no? I said, "No, thank you.
" But I wish to unburden myself.
And I wish to remain in my good mood.
Therefore, I demur.
You demur? I demur.
Besides, I'm sure I've heard it all before .
But this time was different-- I really thought BOTH: she could have been the one.
Well.
Silly me.
To think that I could count on my only brother for a shoulder on which to lean.
What you need isn't a shoulder.
It's a swift boot to break you out of this pattern.
What pattern? Your pattern of ruining things before they've even begun.
And when have I done that? Let me see.
Fay.
Cassandra.
Chelsea, Claire, Lana, Abby, Mia, Marie.
Oh, all right.
I knew I had a pattern.
I just didn't think you'd remember the names.
The minute you develop feelings for someone you get scared and find some way to sabotage things.
I'd like to strike you, of course, but you speak the truth.
I tell you what, I will never find a happy relationship un-unless I can break out of this maddening cycle.
Well, all right, all right.
The next time you find yourself doing it again-- fixating, say, on some tiny fault of the woman-- recognize what that is, you're feeling vulnerable, ear.
but don't give in to the f Commit to commitment .
Commit to commitment.
Yes.
It's a bit glib, but nonetheless inspiring.
Thank you, Niles.
I'm going to call Julia and I will not take "no" for an answer.
I may have walked in here the old fault-finding, flaw-fleeing Flasier, but I leave a man committed to commitment.
You said "Flasier.
" id.
I did not.
Yes, you d I most certainly did not.
No, I heard you say "Flasier.
" I've been saying my own name for the last 40-some odd years.
I know, but your tongue Oh.
Hi, Dad.
Before you say anything, if you know the score to the Mariners game, don't tell me-- I'm taping it to watch later.
Dad, the odds of my knowing the score to the Mariners game are about the same as you knowing the score to Pacific Overtures.
Did, uh, Julia call? No.
Sorry.
Oh, damn.
Well, at least this little delivery will cheer me up.
My new Frette hand towels have arrived.
(gloating laughter) Direct from Italy, I give you the spugna con frangia with the tulle lace insert, huh? Sounds fancy.
Am I allowed to dry my hands on them? Well, you may miss the luxurious feel of your trouser fronts, but yes.
You know, if you're really down about this Julia thing, you can come with me and Eddie to the circus.
We're really going to the v-E- T, but if I say that, he won't get in the car.
Thanks anyway, Dad.
I'll just see you at Nile's and Daphne'? for dinner, all right? Maybe I'll take in a movie Oh, what are you going to go see? Well, there's this new Russian film in t own about a Crimean war vet.
No, Eddie! Would it have killed you to say "Crimean War circus"? Oh, for heaven's sake.
I'm so sorry, Dad.
I Oh, well Julia.
You got my message.
What message? I actually came because I think I dropped an earring here last night.
Oh.
I'm I'm sorry.
Please, come in.
So, what did it look like? Oh, it was just a small diamond stud.
Right.
Okay, yea h, you check there.
So, uh, what was this message? Um Oh, I just said that I found you bright and, uh, beautiful and engaging, and then There was a sonnet.
"Fair love's ship ne'er sa ilo'er unstorm'd seas.
" The fickle stars, her compass, bright and cruel " It's pretty sappy stuff, huh ? No, it's sweet.
Especially the end.
So you did hear it.
Yes, but, Frasier I'm not looking for just some office romance.
I don't see the point in getting involved unless it's heading somewhere.
That's exactly where I am in my life, too.
After you walked out last night, I realized how badly I want to be in a real relationship, how ready I am to well, for want of a better phrase, to commit to commitment.
You're not just saying this to get in my pants, are you? No.
And if I did get in your pants, well I'd want t o stay there forever.
I-I-I said that much more elegantly in the sonnet.
You know, I just remembered where I may have lost my earring.
Really? Where? In your bedroom.
Do you care to help me look? In my bed Well, we were never in my bedroom.
I don 't Oh.
I see.
Let's hope Frasier's ove n is more reliable than ours.
MARTIN: Well, it serves you right for getting such a fancy one.
Oh, it's just temperamental.
My Gaggenau is German-engineered.
It probably needs more power than my building's old wiring can give it.
Yeah, well, leave it to the Germans-- even their appliances crave power.
So, when do you want to make the big announcement? I think a toast before dinner.
Let's hope Frasier checks his messages after the movie, or he'll be heading over to our place.
Yes, well, I'm sure he will.
It's just as well not to have him here while we're cooking.
I can't stand his backseat basting.
I was just dreaming about us.
We were in a boat, floating down the Arno River.
Have you ever been to fair Firenze? Oh, it's maybe my favorite city.
Oh.
Mine, too.
Oh, I knew we'd be a good couple.
Have you ever gone there for Christmas? No.
I've always wanted to.
Me, too.
Well, then, let's go.
Do you mean it? It sounds perfect.
I'll tell you what.
Let's toast this decision with a glass of Chianti.
Ooh, that sounds good.
Oh, shoot.
What? I just remembered-- I'm supposed to have dinner at my brother and his wife's house tonight.
Uh I'm just going to call and cancel.
(phone ringing) Hello.
Niles, it-it's Frasier.
Listen .
.
I just got out of the movie, and it was so cold in the theater that I-I think I've (with a hoarse voice) : I think I've come down with a little something, and, uh, I just I just I'm afraid I'm begging out of tonight, all right? Oh, I hardly think a little dinner will make you worse.
And besides, we've had a change of plans.
Niles, for God sakes, I just want to go home and get into bed.
But Daphne and I have put a lot of effort into making a very nice dinner.
I can't help it if I'm sick.
What if I catch pneumonia? If that's what you wear to the movies, it's your own damn fault.
What the hell are you doing here? My oven's on the fritz.
We left you a message hours ago.
Oh, I'm sorry, Niles.
Um, you remember Julia, of course.
Well, if he didn't before, he certainly will now.
Excuse me.
You lied to me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Would you have rather I told you that I was inflagrante delicto? No, no.
But you're still not excused from dinner.
Julia and I will delighted to attend.
We weren't planning on including Julia.
Well, what do you want me to do, give her 50 bucks and tell her to beat it? Oh.
Ten years? I If I still needed a cane after that long, I'd dump my physical therapist and find one who knows what they're doing.
Hello.
Well, actually, this is her.
She's also my daughter-in-law.
Daphne, this is Julia.
Sorry about that.
I That's all right.
And just so you know, more.
he wouldn't need the can e so much if he'd stretch I would have thought that part of your job was making sure he stretched.
Yes, but I can't be her e day and night.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
For some reason I thought you lived here.
Well, I don't.
How about some Mozart to makes things festive, hmm? (music plays) Ah.
Well, I'm not sure I'd call that festive.
Well, then, you'd be wrong, as it is from the Salzburg Music Festival.
How about something a little more contemporary? Well, all right.
I believe I have Oh, Michael's Nyman's The Contemporary Trumpet.
What are you, a hundred? All right.
Nothing then, my little wasp.
(laughs) Oh, thank you, Niles.
Thank you very much.
go.
There you Oh, perfect.
Thank you.
NILES: Oh, uh Here you go.
There you are.
She took my Just take it.
Just take it.
She took my I don't care.
Just take it.
She, uh shoots from the hip, this one.
(laughs): Yes.
You should hear what she says about my show.
Oh, I just have to remind Mr.
Pompous here that what we do on the radio is entertainment.
Well NILES: Yes, Frasier and I have had many a chat about the difference between what he does and genuine psychiatry.
Yeah, big difference.
I mean, at least his advice is free, not like those quacks who charge people 200 bucks an hour to whine about their childhoods.
I mean, what a racket that is.
Frasier, may I see you in the kitchen? Frasier.
What are you doing in the kitchen? You just asked to see me.
Ah.
So you haven't gone deaf.
Why would I have gone deaf? Because that's the only good reason you sat there silently while our profession was assaulted Like a drag queen at a tractor pull.
Niles, don't be so sensitive.
That is one of the qualities I admire most about Julia-- her bracing frankness.
Now, listen, listen.
What? It is partially because of your advice that I have chosen to commit myself to this woman, so please, at least give her a chance.
You're right.
If you're happy, I'm happy.
Ah, thanks.
Help me serve.
Right.
Right.
Okay.
Dinner is served, everyone.
If you'd come and take a seat.
Here we are.
Daph, why don't you sit here Julia, have a seat there, and I'll sit right next to you NILES: Thanks, Dad.
And before we begin, I would like to share some words of Robert Burns which have recently become quite meaningful to me.
"Beneath the shelter of an aged tree " (cell phone ringing) Whoops.
That's me.
Hello? Hey.
What's up? No, no, I can talk.
Well, what kind of crap is that? Nail their asses to the wall.
Is that chicken? No, partridge.
Yes, in a champagne and orange sauce.
'Cause he's a pissy little bitch, that's why.
I'm sorry.
I don't eat birds They live in their own feces.
More for me.
I'll just get some cereal.
Well, let him sue.
got I'm starting to think you've a little pair of panties on under that suit.
You know, she really does work too hard.
Back to what I was saying.
"Beneath the shelter of an aged tree " JULIA: Okay, I give up-- where do you keep your cereal? (chuckles) : Please, Julia, sit.
We'll find you something.
Oh, are you sure? "Beneath the shelter of an aged " Niles.
Let's not do this tonight-- not with her here.
I want it to be perfect.
You're right.
We'll just We'll just pick a better moment.
I'll still be pregnant tomorrow.
Exactly.
Well, congratulations, Niles.
Frasier didn't tell me that Daphne was pregnant.
What? She is? Oh, no, don't tell me she's just paunchy.
She's not paunchy.
She's pregnant! Niles! How could you do that? JULIA: I'm sorry.
It's my fault.
I heard you in the kitchen.
I didn't realize it was a big deal.
Well, what does it matter how we came to know this glorious news? Niles! It's just wonderful ! Two words: C-section.
My sister's about your size, and when she had her kid, it blew out the whole region.
Can I have cereal, too? So, the more pregnantshegets, the more the husband hits on me .
And by the way, she was a model.
(phone rings) Whoops.
That's me.
Hello? Hey, how you doing? No, I'm just meeting my boyfriend's family.
Isn't this fun? I'm having a good time.
It's fun, isn't it? She certainly takes a lot of calls at dinnertime.
You know, that's exactly the kind of flaw that the old Frasier would have seized upon as pretext to end the relationship, but I-I know now that that impulse to run is-is really an indication that my feelings for her are just deepening, and, um Gone are the days when I would have said something like (exhales sharply) "How rude.
" Or "She's horrible.
I've made a ghastly, ghastly mistake.
" Hey, Marty, you're a Mariners fan.
They won in the tenth on a grand slam.
Who's ready to play that game of Pictionary we talked about? I know I am.
(forced laughter) Let me just get that.
Dad, I'll tell you what.
I know how much you like to keep time, so you'll be the timer, and then, it'll be me and Julia versus Niles and Daphne.
How about that? Oh, that sounds good to me.
FRASIER: Daphne, what do you say you draw first? Okay.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
Oh, boy.
(chuckles) Okay.
Ready, set go.
The Ring of the Nibelungen.
Right! Damn! Wow! Well congratulations, you two.
(forced laughter) Great.
All right, enough of that.
Get your head in the game.
We're starting from behind.
Right, right.
Okay, here we go.
Now Yeah.
All right.
Okay, Dad.
Go.
JULIA: A ball, a balloon.
Oh, an apple! Uh, the circle of life.
Uh, I don't know.
Yeah, I'm looking at it.
Maybe if you point at it harder, I'll get it Give me something to work with, dummy.
Oh, a hat! Oh, the Cat in the Hat! Uh, Abraham Lincoln! Time.
(screeching): Oh,From Here to Eternity! I got that in! No, that's, that'? not it.
Uh What the hell is it? It's a cherry with a mustache, and, uh, wearing a sombrero.
It's "Cherry Garcia.
" Oh, my God, that is the worst drawing I've ever seen.
I mean, even these cheaters wouldn't have gotten that one.
Cheaters? I saw you guys mouthing at each other.
And I think Father Time here cut us off a little early, too.
Here, give me that pen.
I'll show you how it's done.
Sit down.
Oh, my God, I mean, this painting is j (choking) (continues choking and coughing) Oh, dear God! Are you all right? Oh yes, I just (coughs) I think I need to splash a little cold water on my face.
Let me just, uh, walk you to the powder room.
I'm sorry.
Well, that's, uh, that's okay.
You just take as long as you need.
Shame on you! That woman couldn'tbreathe, and the three of you just sat there! You didn't exactly jump in yourself.
That's because I mistook her choking for a sarcastic comment on my Pictionary play! You, on the other hand, were content to let the woman I love die before your eyes.
That's right! I said I love her ! Oh, knock it off, Frasier.
You don't love her You're just trying to talk yourself into honoring your ill-advised commitment.
How dare you presume to know the workings of my heart? You can't understand the kind of feelings Julia and I have for one another.
You may as well ask me to describe the essence of music or the, the col or of starlight! Nice towels, Frasier.
You'd think a couple of old ladies lived here.
Get out.
Excuse me? I said get out! I'm sorry.
Have you just lost your mind? No.
That happened earlier when we slept together.
Are you breaking up with me? You're damn right I am! I want my purse.
And I, my hand towel.
I can't believe this.
You're actually kicking me out ? Do you want me to draw you a picture? We'd be here all night! Get out! (pouring) With this bottle, I would like to both commemorate and apologize for this evening.
Daphne, Niles, this should have been your evening, and I selfishly monopolized every moment of it.
Frasier Not yet, Niles.
Anyway, I handled things badly both with Julia and with you, and I just hope that you can forgive me.
Of course we will.
Oh, look on the bright side.
You could've let her choke to death, but you didn't Well, then, uh, to life, both the old and the new.
(all chuckling) Ah.
Niles, I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.
I'm excited for you , Daphne .
Takes me back to when I had my kids.
What are you hoping for, boy or girl? Oh, I don't know.
Be sort of nice to have a boy.
Niles, just look at the edging on this.
Have you ever? Have you ever? And look at this is all hand-stitched.
Mm-hmm.