QI (2003) s11e02 Episode Script

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Goo-oo-oo-oo-ood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, where tonight we're cantering through the whole kit and caboodle.
It's a catch-all that can cover anything and anyone, including the wild expanse of Ross Noble.
CHEERING The far reaches of Noel Fielding.
CHEERING The sweeping vistas of Colin Lane.
CHEERING And the frozen wastes of Alan Davies.
CHEERING So, catch my attention if you can.
Ross goes: SCHOOL BELL RINGS Noel goes: TRAIN HORN Colin goes: WIBBLE WOBBLE LAUGHING And Alan goes: MAN'S VOICE: Stephen, Stephen! I want some points! LAUGHTER Now, in case anybody's wondering, because he hasn't done that much television in Britain, we found Colin in Australia.
- Colin, in 1994, you won the Perrier Award, didn't you? - Yes.
- For comedy at the Edinburgh Fringe.
- Yes.
Which is an incredibly distinguished award to win, as - HE COUGHS - .
.
I know.
And, no, ignore that.
- But you haven't won the Perrier Award, Stephen? - Yes, I did win it, yes.
- Oh, you did? - I was the My group was the first to win it, ever.
- Yeah.
- The first? - As it happens, yeah.
But I wonder who you beat in 1994? Who came second or third? There were a few other nominees.
- Yeah, who were the other nominees? - Er Um.
.
I think the main competition came from a little fellow.
ALAN YAWNS - .
.
his name was Alan Davies.
- Alan Davies.
- Oh, no, whatever.
- Yes.
- Oh.
Alan Davies, yes.
Yes.
Then I went to Melbourne and I stayed at Colin's house and he'd put the Perrier Award on the bedside table! He said he had to look for it, he had to look in the loft for it.
And the Perrier Award, Alan, was a In case you want to know what it looks like.
Was like a piece of wood with like a silver Perrier bottle on top, with a little cap on it, that kind of just fell off a couple of days after we got it.
And the award for Best Newcomer, was a lovely - Really, you? - Did you? - That was you? - Did you win it? Yeah! - That was you! It's a better trophy, isn't it? It's like a sort of big cube.
It's a much better, it's like an oblong Perspex.
Yeah, like a Star Trek thing.
With the shape of a Perrier bottle made out of bubbles inside it, it's really, it's really, really nice.
I gave it to my mum, yeah.
Anyway, that's enough inspecting our own bottoms, it's embarrassing.
So, suggest, if you may, some uses of kitty litter that don't involve a kitty.
Aaah.
There's a kitty.
I've got some kitty litter here.
Anyone could use it for absorbing their urine, couldn't they? Well you could use it in the same way that a kitty would use it, yeah, because it does soak up liquid.
Can you - when you drop your phone in the loo - you're supposed to put it in a tub - of rice to get the moisture out.
- Indeed.
- Can you do that with cat litter? There's an episode of Elementary which is based on that very fact.
There's an episode of Jonathan Creek where I wee'd in some cat litter.
I say "I"- the character Jonathan.
Let's work backwards as to how that could possibly be a plot line that you pee'd in cat litter.
I just got trapped in the cellar for ages and I needed a wee.
Oh, I see, well that's fair enough.
When you're at school, when people throw up, don't they put cat, - I don't know - Sawdust.
- That's a good thing to do.
- Ah.
- That, exactly, anything like that.
We used to have a sort of weird brown sand.
Yeah, and they say, "There's nothing to see here," but there is, isn't there? Yes, there really is.
It's a really good spectacle.
There's a lot to see there.
There's a lot to see.
Also they would draw a chalk line round it, like it had died.
Yes.
The scene of a body.
The skill was to make it in the shape of a dead body.
Make it look like a mammal.
Oh, look, a racoon has died in the playground.
It's always a bit of fun to put it in a sugar bowl, so that when somebody adds it to their tea, just, phoom, tea's gone.
Probably the most profitable use, bizarrely, was by the American tobacco industry.
Can you imagine why that might be? There's a tax on tobacco, obviously, there was a tax on small cigars and American tobacco companies Filters, in filters? They bulked-up their small cigars to become big cigars .
.
using, amongst other things, the ingredients of cat litter, which is disgusting.
That's a big cigar.
No, I think that's someone's leg! She's just eaten someone.
That is enormous.
I think they've bulked that one up too much.
That's a normal-sized cigar, I think, but she's just a very small woman.
They apparently reduced their tax take on tobacco by over a billion this way, by bumping small cigars into the big-cigar category.
But unfortunately a lot of cats leapt up and wee'd on their faces.
"I'm going to celebrate the deal.
Aaaah.
" Why did they choose kitty litter as the filling? Oh, it was because it's a kind of neutral stuff that burns, that doesn't really taste of anything unpleasant, - and is cheap and isn't tobacco.
- It burns? - So it doesn't have a tax on it.
- What about just some soil, maybe? That would be cheaper than kitty litter.
The trouble with soil is, it wouldn't burn - and it would taste unpleasant.
- What about air? - Just a foot pump.
- Yeah.
Or better still, some helium, so that you can just have your cigar and you don't have to hold it, you just take your hand away and it just floats there like that, and then you can just go back to it and go And then you go HIGH VOICE: "This is a lovely cigar.
"It's enormous!" So it's highly flammable, so basically, if a kitten It's not highly flammable.
You can just burn it, like tobacco.
It doesn't go, whoomf! You can put a cup full of litter in a pair of tights, bear with me, tie off the top and leave it in your shoes overnight for freshness.
There's a hint, yes, audience going "ooh!" Someone's going to try that in the audience.
- Someone's got a teenage son with smelly - GEORDIE ACCENT: .
.
trainers.
- "Trainers?" - Is that what went wrong "Trainers.
" - Ross? "What are you doing to me? I said "trainers.
" - Trainers.
Oh, yeah, he's laughing now, any minute now I'll go So when you see the male ballet dancers in their tights, is that what the, is that what's down the front there? Absolutely.
Yeah.
When they're lifting, they'll go, "Hmm, fresh.
Fresh.
" "Go on love, smell that, eat your dinner off that.
" Yeah, the point is, the last thing that kitty litter needs is a kitty, really, you can use it for so many other things.
Name the product which put Kendal on the map.
ALL: Ah, oh, aaah - I'm being pointed at.
- Let's do it one letter at a time.
- Yeah.
- M I just I love saying that word as well.
Those words together.
- Do you? - Yeah.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
You're the only one who doesn't, we're all desperate to say it.
- Kendal Mint Cake.
- What? - KLAXON BLARES - Oh, that's so unfair! There is a mint cake which went up Everest for the first, the conquering of Everest, and Scott took on the - High sugar, for giving you energy when you're up a mountain.
- It's rather delicious.
- I see.
- But it's not what put Kendal on the map, as it were.
Kendal became famous for another product.
And it's actually extraordinary, it's a machine that was built in 1750, and is possibly the oldest still working machine in the world.
It's still producing the same stuff now.
It was actually built to make gunpowder, but quite early on in its life, it was schlepped down to Kendal by ass or donkey, and then started to make what it still makes to this day.
Which is of the same consistency as gunpowder.
- Sherbet Dip.
- Sherbet Dip! That map's only of any use really if you're going, driving to Kendal.
If you're, it is, exactly.
You're absolutely right.
- It's not much use for anything else.
- It's for walking.
And even then it's pretty vague.
I used to sell those maps and people would come in and they'd go, "I'm going to Birmingham," and I'd go, "No, you can't.
" - "Yeah, I've only got a Kendal map.
" - Do you use it in the home? We nowadays very rarely use it.
It was the most popular form of delivery of this drug, up until about 1900.
Nicotine? Nicotine is the right answer.
How was nicotine most delivered? - Snuff.
- Snuff.
Kendal has a snuff mill that has been going - since 1750 and still produces snuff.
- Ah, the old Kendal snuff mill.
- The old Kendal snuff mill.
- I think I knew that.
- Exactly.
I have some snuff for you to try, in different flavours.
You can see whether the lid is lying or not.
Arrgh! In special QI lids.
You can take it if you want.
- You obviously inhale it up the nose.
- You do it all, right? Oh! You're going to spill Don't do it all, no.
It's very sharp.
It is, it's sharp.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Oh really! No! Nothing.
- Oh, you're licking it.
- Woooooo! On the gums.
Oh, a moustache.
It is quite sharp.
You've had a go.
What's your flavour saying, Alan? The only time it says Christmas pudding.
You've got Christmas pudding.
The only time I've had a Ross Noble! Honestly, it's fine, it's good, put it in your eyes.
It's good.
This is probably the only time my nan's going to watch me on telly and I'll be like that the whole show.
What do you reckon, Colin? Oh, that is the the flavour says "kitty litter.
" Ah-ha-ha.
- That is awful! - You're not a fan? - I'm not a fan.
It says "champagne.
" - Yeah, they're different.
There are so many, I mean hundreds, - thousands of different flavours or sorts, as they're called.
- Ugh! What does yours say on the lid, Noel? - What flavour? - Yeah.
- Jealousy.
- By Calvin Klein.
- Whisky and honey.
- Whisky and honey.
Does it taste? Yours, Ross? - No, not really.
- When you've come down? - I can't see! I couldn't see anything.
- Noel will read it to you.
- Who's talking to me?! - Your flavour's madness.
- It says "peanut butter"! - No, it says "Perrier".
- Oh, does it? Arrgh! Ah, Perrier smells of victory.
The problem is, it makes your snot brown, so there are snuff handkerchiefs which are brown silk handkerchiefs or dark coloured silk handkerchiefs.
But that will, really, you'll see, you'll get a It'll look as if you've wiped your arse, I'm afraid.
Ugh! That, from here, looks like the Turin Shroud.
I can see the face of our Lord! You're right! Even though you know it's snuff, you're like, "Urggh!" - Even though, exactly.
- "He's shat in his hanky!" Even though they know.
Aaarggh! It's like your eyeball comes out in the wet wipe.
It's fine.
What are the advantages, if one can put it that way, of taking snuff instead of smoking? Sorry.
- Well there's no smoky stinkiness.
- Yeah, that you - It's very self-contained.
Lung cancer, emphysema, heart disease are unlikely.
- Not bothering other people.
- It doesn't bother other people.
- It doesn't make your clothes smell.
- It could be perfumed.
- But it will rot inside your nose, sinuses and - Nasopharyngeal - NASAL VOICE: "It affects the way you talk as well, Stephen.
" - Yeah, well there is that.
It does slightly increase your chances of nasopharyngeal - cancer, but only slightly.
- Oh great, thanks very much(!) Not one pinch, I promise.
It is, of course, necessary for me at this point not to recommend snuff, or any other tobacco products.
Is that Little Mix? I don't want to alarm anyone, but the one at the top left is me.
It is! Oh, my goodness.
There's no doubting it.
Anyway, s'nuff said about Kendal.
Why isn't the tiny woman in your snuff box wearing any pants? There's a picture in the lid of your snuff box.
Wow! I think the snuff's kicked in.
- I've only got a head shot.
- Well it's only a head shot.
I don't know what she's wearing.
But as it happens, she wouldn't be wearing any pants.
- I've got a full, a full - Have you? - No.
- You liar.
I've taken her face and arranged the snuff so it looks like she's a bearded lady.
- Like that magnetic thing with the iron filings.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I used to love that.
- Pants as in undergarments? Those sort of pants? Well it's a woman who was probably you could regard as almost the first celebrity, in a strange sort of way.
In as much as she wasn't an aristocrat, a politician, an artist, a warrior, she had no accomplishment whatsoever.
Katie Price.
Basically, she was That's quite extraordinary.
She was an 18th-century courtesan, which is not a word we use any more.
So she really rose to fame in the mid 18th century, when she fell off her horse in St James's Park, and it was revealed to the astonished onlookers She was going commando.
She was going commando, she had no underwear.
There is a picture, which is slightly overdone, but it's an example of how famous Slightly missing the crucial aspects as well.
Yeah, exactly, somewhat.
- That's what going commando is? No pants? - No pants.
Yeah.
- Kitty Fisher, for such was her name.
- Kitty Fisher? Kitty Fisher.
She went commando, and she exploited it enormously.
And there were snuff boxes produced with pictures of her in them, and Muff boxes? Well, ah, ah, and - Just for her.
- And there were watches.
Called montres lubriques, lubricous watches, which used the clockwork to show her doing rather pornographical things, in a sort of like a sort of automaton kind of thing, a little movement.
Oh, God, you wouldn't want the grandfather clock with a pendulum version, would you? No, you certainly wouldn't.
She, she led a sensationally dissolute I don't even know why that's funny.
No, but it is.
We'll just sort of imagine.
- Just don't over-think it.
- No.
- That's my approach to life.
Her life was sensationally dissolute.
Casanova describes a moment when she ate a 1,000 guinea note, with butter spread on it.
- And 1,000 guineas in those days could buy you, you know, an estate.
- The kingdom of It could buy a country house with servants and, - I mean it's staggering.
- So, she was an idiot.
She, well Just incredibly carefree, I suppose you'd describe that.
She had portraits painted of her by Reynolds, the great portraitist of his day, and she, apparently The one in the middle doesn't really look like her.
No that, no, that The one in the middle looks like Alan Sugar.
These are, these are IMITATES ALAN SUGAR: "I started with nothing! I had a van.
" "I have taken, I've taken my wealth and I've swallowed it.
"And I'll tell you what, you're going to get down on your knees "and you're going to wait for that note to come out.
" Is that why she didn't have the knickers on? She was waiting for the, she was just waiting for, that's all it was.
- People thought she was - Oh! There it is! There it is! Here it comes, I can see the Queen's face! - Oh, it's gone back in again.
- It was a king in the mid 18th century.
- Oh, was it a king? - Yes.
So anyway, Reynolds, these are not examples of paintings of her, but she got through so many lovers that he had to keep all the paintings he did, because a man would say "I'm in love with Kitty and I want you to "do a painting of her," and about halfway through she was onto a new man.
- She was extraordinary.
- So he made a flick book.
Basically a flick book of pictures of her.
Yeah, she was pretty extraordinary.
Perhaps the first celeb, but like some modern celebs, she sometimes forgot to wear any pants.
So, moving on now, we have some kits.
What would you use these kits for? Window cleaning.
That's the first one.
Well, no, they go together.
Scratching a window and then cleaning it.
Well, this has a very specific ecological purpose, rather bizarrely.
A wire wool, is that a wire wool brush affair? Probably not.
It's a scourer, it's a pan scourer.
Which you get from your average high street pan scourer shop.
- Indeed.
- Yeah.
No-one's ever held a scourer like that.
"Arrrgh!" - Yeah, they haven't, have they.
- "Come and do the dishes.
Arrgh!" That sounds like a scouring super-hero.
- Because there are some - "By the power of scourer!" Also, the man on the right doesn't really need the extended - squeegee for that.
- No, he doesn't.
With a little more effort, I think he could have got to the top.
"I'd better get the extension out.
Oooh, that's better!" We're in a world of ecology.
And we're in a world of the second largest fish in the world, in fact.
- Is it a big squid? - Fish.
- A jellyfish? - A fish! The great white.
The Buddha shark? - Basking.
Basking! - Basking! The basking shark! Basking shark.
For the last time, a basking I WANT POINTS! In your dreams.
There it is, with its rather wonderful mouth open.
- Wow! - Whoa! - Isn't that fabulous.
"I've got a coat hanger stuck in my mouth! Help me! "I've got a coat hanger in my mouth!! "I feel so vulnerable!" It's a beautiful animal and unfortunately Not really.
Well it is.
Unfortunately, it's hunted to the verge of extinction.
So we need to know a lot about them, because they're so in danger, and to take a core of their DNA is difficult, you need to sort of, it's like tagging them, so what they've come up with is Is that one being examined now? Is that why he's got his mouth open? Say "Ah".
No, what you do is you get a window-cleaning rod, you shove a pan scourer on the end and you scrape off the slime from each particular one, which has got its DNA, and you send it to the University of Aberdeen, where it's marked and then you check its progress by marking other ones.
Occasionally do they swallow slightly smaller sharks? Yes, I hope they do.
And there's, like Russian dolls, there's 19 in here.
- Just pull them out.
- It's a lovely thought.
Yeah.
It's a couple, Graham Hall and his wife, Jacky.
Is that the name of that shark? - No.
- Graham Hall? It's not quite as frightening when you say, quick there's a Graham! - There's a Graham.
- Here comes Graham.
- Graham Hall and his wife Jackie.
- Ooh, lovely.
From the Isle of Man, go out into the Irish Sea and scrape .
.
basking sharks with pan scourers.
- Disgusting! Filthy, filthy! - And send the DNA to Aberdeen.
Dirty bastards! And it's been jolly useful.
It's jolly, jolly useful.
Would anybody like to know how you know that you're being followed by a gay shark? Yeah, go on.
How do you know you're being followed by a gay shark? HE HUMS: "Jaws Theme" CHANGES TO: "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" That's very good.
I like that.
And here's another kit.
What's that? It's luminous pins and reels of cotton.
- What would they be used for? - Sewing in the dark.
That would certainly Disco nanas? That is popular.
HE HUMS That's all that went, you know when John Travolta was doing that? - Yes.
- He had wool around that one HE SINGS: "Staying Alive" by Bee Gees .
.
because it's "Thanks, love.
" This was part of the kit of a man called Dr Eric Dingwall.
Oh.
Doctor Eric Dingwall specialised in exposing something.
Not his own dingwall.
But? The wall of his ding.
Yeah.
Fake mediums.
In other words, fakes.
People who pretend that dead people speak.
- Is it to do with Ouija boards or anything? - Yeah.
There are people who pretend, quite wrongly, that dead people can speak, which they can't, they're dead.
They won't talk to you, they're dead.
But there are people, a class of fraud, but I'm saying this directly into camera, you are a fraud if you are a medium, you are fraudulent, and APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hang on, hang on, hang on, my, my granddad says, "Shut your face.
" Dr Eric Dingwall cunningly used Stop it, Granddad, stop it! It's quite weird, because we look like we're in a seance.
Yes, you do actually.
You always look like you're in a seance! Yes, you do, let's be honest.
Woo! I'm getting a basking shark.
What's that? You were touched inappropriately by a man called Graham? Anyway, no, Eric Dingwall specialised in exposing mediums, and he would tie thread to their legs so that he could feel what their bodies were doing in the dark.
He would also attach luminous pins to them, so again when it was dark, he could see where they were moving and what they were doing, what machinery they were operating, what tricks they were up to.
Now it's time for a bit of General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers please.
What was a Roman soldier's salary? Wine, prostitutes? The outfit, just the outfit.
- Audience? - Forty quid a week.
- AUDIENCE MEMBERS: SALT.
- Salt, oh, dear! - KLAXON BLARES Audience, minus points.
Losers! Whoa, ha-ha-ha-ha! Is there joy in trapping the audience there? Yes, it's true that the word derives from the Latin for salt, but it is never true that they were paid in salt.
The money would go towards the buying of salt, but also towards the buying of their uniform, the buying of almost everything else, because, a bit like British officers, they have to buy everything themselves out of their salary, but they were never paid in salt.
We're getting paid in salt though, aren't we? You're getting paid in salt, oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
- Kitty litter.
- And kitty litter, in fact.
Yeah, the Romans, in fact, planted vineyards, as you may know, in parts of Britain, so here's a question.
Where does British wine come from? - Somerset.
- Somerset, no.
- Kent.
- No.
Kendal? Kendal, no.
Which country does it come from? France.
It might do.
The point is, British wine is made from grape concentrate, which comes from abroad.
Whereas English wine is proper English wine from English vineyards.
And so English wine gets a very bad reputation, because people have tried British wine and think it's the same, and it isn't.
There are over 400 vineyards in Britain now, and maybe global warming will see an increase in that.
But certainly in Roman days, in the medieval warm period, as it's called, wine was commonly made there.
So, anyway, English wine comes from England, but British wine can come from anywhere.
And now This is where it gets scary, I'm going to try and impress you with my martial art skills.
- Really? - Karate.
Let's break stuff with our bare hands, and we're going to begin with you.
- You should have a piece of paper and a ruler.
- Yes.
And what I want you to do is put the ruler on the table, two thirds of the way, something like that, and put the paper on top of it.
Mm.
Like so.
Not wholly over it, leave the bit out.
That's it.
Yeah, Colin's got it right.
Thank you Colin.
- Yes.
- OK.
Very good.
- All right.
Now, without putting your hand over the paper That's how he got that award.
.
.
simply karate chop and break the piece of wood, because the air pressure over the paper will act as a you think that can't be possible, so, Colin, you try.
- Really? - Yep.
Oh! APPLAUSE Isn't that surprising? CHEERING Who'd have thought? Who would have? And I didn't believe you, so I really put my shoulder into it.
- Yeah, you have to, a nice bit of follow-through.
- Yeah.
Alan, you have a go.
Yeah - oh, well it is in half, you can see, but it slipped out, unfortunately.
Go on, Ross.
- Is it in half? - Yeah! Noel next.
All right, Noel.
- Yah! - Ah! There it is.
It's very surprising.
- It feels good though, doesn't it.
- It feels good.
- You feel like Bruce Lee for about four seconds.
- Now, I What I'm going to do is, I've got three bricks here.
HE GRUNTS WITH EFFORT And it is, ahh It's like the first ever game of Jenga.
It is.
All right, OK.
Yep.
- It's Kendal Mint Cake.
- Kendal Mint Cake.
OK.
Oh, God I have to focus my energy.
I know, it's All right, it sounds But I have to focus.
Have to go through I have to - oh, God.
I'm so nervous now.
Ah! Ooh CHEERING Ow! Didn't get them all.
Last time I got them all.
OK.
But, even more Oh, I've got another one.
Another load here and this time, in theory You're going to do it with your penis.
Ah-ha-ha! In theory here Ow.
Er So, choose top middle or bottom.
- Middle.
- Oh, no! OK.
I'll try and break just the middle, then.
I'll bet you Chuck Norris is crapping himself.
I'm going to try and break just the middle one.
Again, this takes extreme focus and extreme pain.
(Go through.
) I just don't want to do this.
You don't want to do it again.
Oh! CHEERING That was the middle one.
Oh, thank you very much indeed.
Thank you.
Ow.
I can't believe I've put my hood on in case there were shards flying around.
What, shards of his splintering wrist? Kendal Mint Cake.
The truth is, there's no mystique to karate-chopping bricks, just good old physics, and in our case, to be honest, trick bricks.
So don't try and do it at home.
I'm still very strong and hench and butch, though.
But anyway, it must be time for the scores.
And it is fantastic.
In first place, wow, with a plus four, is Ross Noble.
Yeah! The Noble Prize.
In second place, with a plus one, Noel Fielding.
How did that happen? There's been a mistake.
It's incredible.
In third place, with minus six, Alan Davies! Thank you very much.
Great.
And certainly worth the airfare, in fourth place with minus nine, - it's Colin Lane.
- Yeah! But But, in last place, with minus ten, the Audience.
Hey! Well.
And it only remains for me to thank Noel, Ross, Colin and Alan.
Whatever you do, keep your kit on.
Good night.