Big Bang Theory s11e03 Episode Script

1 Hmm.
Some news of our wedding.
I have sent you all a "save the date" e-mail.
Oh, exciting.
You guys picked a date? Better.
I picked 80 dates.
And I need you to save them all until we narrow it down.
I thought we agreed on June 15.
That's the day after Flag Day.
Everyone'll be partied out.
It's a date-- just pick one.
It's not just a date-- it's a textbook optimization problem.
There is a perfect date-- just like there's a perfect room temperature and a perfect dessert.
Mm.
There's no perfect dessert.
Yellow cake in the shape of a dinosaur with chocolate frosting, a scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side, not touching.
You'll see.
You'll have it at our wedding.
You wanna bet? SHELDON: You give me enough time, I can do the same thing with a wedding date-- it needs to be on the weekend, uh, not near any of your birthdays, or the weekend of Comic Con.
Ooh, you could get married at Comic Con.
AMY and PENNY and BERNADETTE: No! We just need a weekend date that's completely boring and uneventful.
Too bad you didn't get your ducks in a row, 'cause tonight would have been perfect.
Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! The Big Bang Theory 11x03 The Relaxation Integration Original Air D (low whooshing) Good morning.
Good morning.
I know today is Apple Jacks day, but we're all out.
That's fine.
I'll have anything.
Really? Yeah.
You know whatev.
"Whatev"? I like this side of you.
You know what I like? Smooth jazz.
(playing Chuck Mangione's "Feels So Good") (singing melody to "Feels So Good") (getting quieter): Da, da, da-da (loudly): Da, da-da-da Da, da, da Hey, just a reminder-- I'm going out for drinks after work.
Oh.
Great.
Just a reminder-- you're pregnant.
I'm not drinking, just taking a new coworker out.
Oh.
Just a reminder-- you're married.
Female coworker.
She's new in town, and I want to make her feel welcome.
And let her know the office is full of liars before everyone tells her I'm mean.
Is she single? I'm not setting her up with Raj.
What about Stuart? Are you listening? I want her to think I'm not mean.
Okay.
Well, it's just we have two single friends.
Howie, I just met this woman.
Why don't I wait a little and get to know her? Maybe I won't like her, and then I'd be happy to ruin her life with Stuart or Raj.
(whispers): That's all I ask.
So, you guys lived with Sheldon for a long time Long time.
So very long.
By the way, congratulations again on your engagement.
Yeah.
You got a good one.
Thanks.
So, it's strange, Sheldon was talking in his sleep last night, and he seemed like a totally different person.
He was relaxed and loose and calm.
Well, Sheldon's a complicated man.
He said "whatev.
" Give him a brain scan-- that might be a tumor.
Well, I think the wedding planning is really stressful for him, and that can trigger sleep talking.
Well, maybe this is a part of Sheldon's personality he's been repressing.
I mean, I think we dream about things we wish we could be in real life.
Really? What do you dream about? Oh.
Uh being the wife of Leonard.
Mostly that.
I choose to believe you.
Well, as much as we've studied the brain, there's still a lot we don't know about dreams and their function.
You know, even psychologists are divided on it.
Mm, it's true-- Freud thought dreams were about sex, Adler thought they were about dominance Then again, mine are just about being married to this little guy.
Well, now it's just edging into mockery.
Well, moving to a new city was a little scary, but the job seems great.
Everyone's really nice.
Oh, they are.
Super nice.
I mean, only one them took you out tonight-- but it's not a competition.
Thanks again.
You know, we could have gone somewhere more pregnancy-friendly.
Oh, it's okay.
One of the great things about being pregnant is drinking cranberry juice out of a wineglass and watching people freak out.
Bernie! Oh, damn.
Hey! What are the odds? Yeah, seren-frickin'-dipity.
Hello.
- Rajesh.
- Stuart.
Hi.
Ruchi.
Ruchi is my coworker.
But that was probably in your briefing packet.
(door opens) Hi.
Hello.
What's wrong? Well, I found the perfect wedding date.
- That's terrific! - No, it's not.
It was May 19, 1996.
We would have had a lovely wedding.
And our honeymoon would have coincided with the first appearance of the Hale-Bopp comet.
Sheldon, you were 16.
And in Texas-- no one would have batted an eye.
Oh, wait, it's no good.
That's the day that Jon Pertwee, the third Doctor Who, died.
And it's in the past.
Hey-hey, I said it's no good-- just let it go.
Sheldon I appreciate you trying to make this wedding perfect, but it's making you miserable.
No, the wedding isn't making me miserable, the calendar is.
Why can't there just be one week each month for famous people to die? Well, they've already arranged to die in threes-- what more do you want from them? This is so frustrating.
Why can't I find a perfect date? I found the perfect way to say hi to cowboys.
(clicks tongue) I'm just saying maybe there's a part of you deep down that just wants to relax a little, you know? Kick back.
Say, "Whatev.
" Whatev? I'm sorry, you're really not gonna finish that word? I-I'm just trying to make a point Finish the word, Amy.
Fine.
Er.
Er, er, er.
Thank you.
Only now you owe me three more whatevs.
Oh, you were born in Trivandrum.
Have you ever been to the Kuthira Malika Palace? No, I haven't.
Me, either.
What a small world.
I've also never been there.
I've never been lots of places.
Go on, quiz me.
I'm sorry, we're being rude talking about India.
Oh, yeah, you know, if you and Bernadette want to talk about America, that's cool with us.
Here, let me get you started.
(American accent): Hamburgers.
Am I right? So, what do you guys do? Well, I am an astrophysicist, so if you ever go out at night and look up at the stars, that's kind of my office.
He sells comic books to children.
STUART: Actually, I own my own store.
Uh, i-if you'd like to check it out sometime, I'm running a new promotion-- buy anything, get taken out for a reasonably priced dinner.
Yeah, yeah, Stuart's struggling financially.
But he doesn't let that get him down.
He believes in himself.
Even though the whole world has made it clear he should not.
Thank you.
A-And, you know, Raj, I think it's great that you no longer live off your parents like a spoiled child.
You live over someone's garage like a failed adult.
Yeah, well, you live with her.
Oh, it's not like that.
He rents a room from me and my husband.
Who, by the way, is no prize, either.
Oh, I don't care.
You know me-- I just go with the flow.
Beach, public pool They both sound awesome.
SHELDON (recorded): On second thought, beach.
I'd like to befriend a seagull.
That is crazy.
Yeah.
Will you e-mail that to me? Have you played this for him? No.
I'm worried he'll say I violated his privacy.
Listen how happy he sounds.
I'm up for anything, as long as I'm with you.
- What are you listening to? - Nothing.
Oh, come on, I want to hear.
We don't need GPS.
Let's just see where the road takes us.
I see why you turned it off.
That guy sounds like an idiot.
Honey, that's you.
Don't be silly.
My voice is deep and sonorous.
Like a Caucasian James Earl Jones.
"Luke, I am your father.
" See? It is you.
I recorded you in your sleep.
Oh, look-- a hitchhiker.
I bet he has some interesting stories.
That's me? It's you.
So you spied on me in my sleep? Sheldon, I'm sorry.
You've been doing this every night.
I couldn't help but wonder if it meant something.
Well, it doesn't.
Are you sure? I mean, the prefrontal cortex regulates impulse control.
So it's plausible that when we're asleep, aspects of our personality that we repress might come out.
Don't try to put science lipstick on your New Age pig! And for the record, you make noises when you sleep, and I've never accused you of repressing your inner chainsaw.
If you want me to object at your wedding, just give me one of these.
This picture of Galactus eating a planet looks like my preggo wife destroying a coffee cake.
(laughing): Oh, yeah, I see it.
I'm just saying, you should bow out.
Why should I bow out? Uh, because we all know how this is gonna end.
That's what my doctor said, too, but I'm still here.
Okay, look, I think that she and I have more in common.
Because you're Indian? So just 'cause she's brown, you get to date her? Yes! And the next time we meet a woman who's pale and cadaver-like, she's all yours.
Howard, Bernadette was there last night.
Did she say anything when she got home? Yeah, she said, "Why'd you tell those idiots where I was? Thanks a lot.
" Okay, how about we flip a coin? Look, hang on.
Doesn't this girl get a word in all of this? And isn't that word "no"? Ruchi said she wanted to hang out with both of us.
Why don't we just do that? Oh, fine.
Let's hang out as friends and see what happens.
Yeah, and if something grows out of it, just worry about it then.
Also what my doctor said.
Hey, this isn't your laundry night.
I know.
Laundry on a Wednesday.
It's the madness my life has become.
Why is this sleep-talking thing bothering you anyway? It's simple.
I don't like the idea that my mind might be keeping an entire personality from me.
Dr.
Jekyll's other personality was Mr.
Hyde.
Mr.
Hyde.
Didn't have a postgraduate degree.
Is it possible that you're stressed because you're scared about getting married? I mean, it is a big change, and you're not good with little changes.
Well, that's nonsense.
You name one little change I was upset with.
Uh, when they changed the green Skittle from lime to apple.
That is not the rainbow I grew up tasting.
All right, fine.
Let's start over.
Is it possible that the sleep-talking is a part of your brain that's telling you everything's gonna be okay and you just need to relax a little? So you're proposing that the self is an illusion, and that we actually have multiple centers of consciousness that are communicating with one another? In laymen's terms, yeah.
Huh.
Interesting.
So you don't believe there's a Cartesian self that underlies the flux of experience? Maybe in my twenties, not anymore.
Okay.
Well, assuming you're right, what would you suggest I do? Well, I would start with something small, see if it makes your life any better.
Um, you can learn to meditate, take a yoga class.
Oh.
You know, I have always been intrigued by flip-flops.
The official footwear of the laid-back fellow.
- Okay, sure.
- Of course if my feet are gonna be exposed, I'll need to update my tetanus booster.
Oh, yeah.
Makes sense.
Yeah.
And while I'm there, I may as well get a flu shot and a mole check.
Sure.
You know, I've never had a mole check.
Ooh! Well, it's been nice knowing you.
Here you go.
Thanks.
(chuckles) It's too bad Stuart couldn't make it.
He seemed fun.
Oh, yeah, he is.
I love him dearly, yeah.
Not to say that I don't worry about him.
What's to worry about? You know what? I'm talking out of school.
Speaking of which, he's allowed to live near them now.
Hey, guys.
- Oh, great, Stuart.
You're here.
- Yeah, Stuart.
Yeah, I did I didn't think you were gonna make it.
Mm.
I believe that.
(ringtone playing) Sorry, guys.
It's work.
I've got to take it.
Oh.
I'm so glad you made it, Stuart.
Oh, yeah, so glad.
I can't believe you went behind my back! Which clearly means I want this more! You want to play a game of "who's more desperate" with me? 'Cause you're in the big leagues now, Bucko.
L-Look, Ruchi and I are really hitting it off.
Please let me just have this one! I'm not going anywhere.
I'm like a fungus you can't get rid of.
Sorry.
So what's going on? Oh, you just missed Stuart's funny story about the fungus he can't get rid of.
Raj didn't tell me about tonight so he could be alone with you.
Really? That's a little weird.
Just a little? Because I can work with that.
Look, guys, I'm not interested in dating anyone right now.
I'm just looking to make some friends.
Yeah, I totally understand.
But if you were gonna date someone, would it be me or Stuart? I think I'm gonna go.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, Ruchi, I'm sorry.
If you still want to hang out as friends, I'd like that.
Thanks, Stuart.
I'd like that, too.
And the fungus is under the toenail.
Hello.
Hey.
So, um, I, uh I got flip-flops.
Good for you.
Oh, my God, what happened?! After I got the flip-flops, I realized that the tops of my feet were exposed, so, um, I-I put on some sunscreen, which caused my feet to become slippery.
And predictably, one of them fell off and went down a sewer grate.
Now, normally, I would have walked away, but this is a new, laid-back me, so, instead of getting upset, I just reached down to grab it.
That's when I touched something furry which I'm telling myself was a damp toupee.
When the toupee licked my hand I screamed and hopped down the street on my remaining flip-flop.
Can I just ask? No, this is a long story.
Why don't we please save your questions till the end? So, I-I finally came upon a bus bench where I sat and removed one of my shirts and, uh, fashioned it into a makeshift shoe.
Not a waterproof shoe.
That is relevant to the next part of my story.
The ankle-deep puddle of warm apple juice.
Apple juice? Maybe, maybe not.
I'm telling myself a lot of things, Amy.
What happened to your other flip-flop? Oh, well, that involves what I am telling myself was a melted candy bar.
Okay.
I-I'm sorry.
Is there anything I can do to help? Yes.
I want you to be in charge of our wedding.
Just you tell me where and when, and I will show up with a boutonniere and close-toed shoes and a a Star Trek uniform underneath my tuxedo.
That last part is non-negotiable.
Are you sure that's what you want? As sure as I'm about to go bathe in Purell.
I love you.
I love you, too.
You know, ever since I was a young girl, I-I've dreamed of a June wedding, maybe on a cliff overlooking the ocean at sunset.
Sure.
Sounds wonderful.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go clean up.
Outdoor wedding.
I know what I'll be using that cliff for.
I call this meeting of the Council of Sheldons to order.
Let's take roll.
Science Sheldon? Present.
Texas Sheldon? Howdy.
Fanboy Sheldon? Greetings.
Germaphobe Sheldon? Say it, don't spray it.
Where's Jock Sheldon? Not the time, Humorous Sheldon! Okay, new business.
Do we grant Laid-Back Sheldon a seat on the council? Hey, whatever you guys want.
I'm just chillin' like Bob Dylan.
- Negative.
- Heck, no! I don't feel well.
(horn honks) Can we kick him out, too?