Frasier s11e03 Episode Script

Oh, hello, Dad.
Hi, Niles.
May I get my usual, please? Niles, we're playing squash in 20 minutes.
Where are your togs? Oh, yes, I had to hide them in my briefcase.
I told Daphne I was seeing patients all day.
It was the only way I could get out of driving her to this flower show.
It's two hours there and back.
I see; well, we could have rescheduled.
Did you really have to lie? Did I mention we'd be joined by Daphne's mother, who's suffering from some female complaint and can't get it through her head that I'm not a gynecologist? Ah.
Well, then, you had to save yourself.
so, please, don't tell anyone we're playing squash today.
I can't have it getting back to Daphne.
Right.
Hey, guys.
I'm so glad you're here.
You can meet my new boyfriend.
He's the hottest guy I've dated since.
.
.
Frasier.
Okay, the hottest guy (cracking up) ; since Frasier.
That's Alistair Burke.
I know! Who's Alistair Burke? He is only the head of the seattle Opera Guild and one of the finest directors in the world.
His productions are brilliant.
He staged a Philip Glass opera last year, and no one left.
Alistair, uh, it's, it's Frasier Crane.
Uh, we met last year at the fund-raiser.
Of course.
You're on the radio.
Yes, yes.
And you're don't tell me.
All right, tell me.
Niles Crane.
Yes, we've both got ticket s to your premiere, and, oh, we can't wait to see what magic you'll work with La Boheme.
Well, I would be content if my Mimi would just lay off the cheeseburgers.
I sat her down yesterday and I said, 'You're dying of consumption, dear, not overcon sumption.
" (both guffawing) FRAsIER; Oh, that's hilarious! It's funny because it's bitchy.
How well you're looking.
Oh, thank you.
I like your suit.
Well, you're too kind.
And it's nice to see you again.
Bye-bye.
Take care.
Wow, that was thorough.
Find any polyps up there? We were merely paying due respect to one of the giants of the opera world.
Hey! Barry, hi.
This is Frasier and Niles and Martin.
Hi.
Hi.
Whoa, strong handshake.
You look like you work out a lot.
He practically lives at the gym.
Well, it's my church .
Oh, this blouse looks amazing on you.
Yes, it's very chic, Roz.
Well, Barry picked it out.
He's the women's wear buyer at Bidwells.
He spent a whole day last week going through my closet and throwing out all the stuff I shouldn't wear anymore.
You should have seen what she was still hanging on to.
Culottes.
stop it.
Well one wonders what's been in Barry's closet a little too long.
What are you talking about? Oh, come on.
He didn't seem gay to you ? That guy's not gay.
You know how you can tell? The muscles.
Good point, Dad.
second tip-off; no poodle.
so, isn't he fabulous? Yes, yes, uh, fabulous sums it up in a word.
I think he's perfect for you, Roz-- good-looking, friendly and not gay at all.
Who said he was gay? Not me.
He's not gay.
All right, Roz, but you can see how someone might get that impression.
Why, because of his job? Because he takes care of himself? That is just such lazy, stereotypical You're right; it was a shallow knee-jerk assumption and unworthy of us both as psychiatrists and men about town.
We better go.
We're going to miss the movie.
Right.
Bye.
No biscotti for you? Please.
I'm a house.
(no audio) Can't you walk any faster? I'm moving as fast as I can in these ridiculous shorts of yours.
You wouldn't need them if you hadn't burs t out of your own.
I did not burst out of them.
My laundress simply over bleached them till they had the tensile strength of a cobweb.
If you're in such a hurry, you should have brought your own car.
Daphne needed it for her flower show.
And remember Yes, yes.
You were seeing patients.
We did not play squash.
Is that Roz's boy friend ? Oh, you don't suppose she told him what we were saying about him? No, I can't imagine she would do that.
Let's just act natural.
Where did he go? Odd.
He was just here.
"Bad Billy's?" What sort of place do you think that is? Well, let's see.
Tuesday is leather night, so it's probably some sort of shoe outlet.
It's a gay bar, you idiot.
Come on.
Let's go.
What?! No! I told Daphne I was seeing patients until 7:00.
If I'm late, she might get suspicious.
Niles, Roz is my friend.
I'm not going to let her get hurt by some man who's lying to her about himself.
I'll be just a minute.
Excuse me.
Uh, I'm looking for a guy.
Yeah, I kind of got that from the shorts.
It's a particular guy.
He's about 35 years Frasier? Eduardo! My furniture polisher.
Don't tell me you put away paste and chamois for life as a barkeep.
I just do this on the side.
Oh, well, bet you're surprised to see me in here.
Okay.
All right, look, I thought I saw a friend of mine come in here.
He's, uh, mid-30s, uh, wavy hair, good build.
Yeah, I think he's in the bathroom.
Oh.
Oh.
(music blaring) Can I get you a drink? sherry, please.
Oh, hi, Niles.
Hey, Barry.
Frasier.
Barry's not here.
I just saw him.
What? Barry's not here.
Let's go.
He's in the bathroom.
No, he's not.
Can we just go, please? What did you say? Daphne's expecting me.
Let's go.
Come again? Oh, for God's sake.
.
(music stops) I'm begging you, please take me home! You see, actually, he and I are (music begins) You can rationalize your actions all you want to, kevin.
The truth is, you're just not being honest, are you? I guess I'm not.
But it's not like you're so honest about everything in your life.
I beg your pardon.
Well, you've never told your audience you're gay.
Excuse me? I saw you in a gay bar last night.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
(chuckling); Yes, in fact, I did pop into Bad Billy'? yesterday.
You see, I thought I had seen a gentleman I wished to speak with go in there, and I'd certainly never been in that bar before.
Then how come you knew the bartender by name? And why were you wearing those tight little shorts? Well, they They were not my shorts.
You see, I'd been playing squash, and I borrowed them from my uh, from my friend who is slim-hipped.
Yeah, kind of like that nervous guy you picked up.
Look, I did not pick anybody up.
All right, I am going to put an end to this discussion because there is nothing to discuss.
On my way home from the gym, I popped into Bad Billy's Iooking for a man I was hoping was in the bathroom.
I had a quick sherry with my French polisher, and then I left.
As to how I got into another man's shorts, that is no one's business.
And we're off the air.
Oh, dear God.
That man you thought you saw going into Bad Billy's-- that wouldn't be Barry, would it? All right, Roz.
I-I saw him on the street, and I turned, and the next thing I knew, he was gone.
You know what Barry was doing from 1 0:00 until midnight last night? Me, that's what! He's not gay, whereas you, Miss Marple, you've just been outed.
Outed? Frasier.
I am so sorry.
I thought that last call was appalling.
Thank you, Gil.
You poor man.
How long you must have dreaded this dark yet inevitable day.
I so wish you could have been allowed to come out in a time and manner of your own choosing instead of being wrenched from your closet, your voice cracking, your cheeks crimson with shame.
Gil, I am not gay.
Oh, Frasier, you can't play coy once you've been caught traipsing around Bad Billy's in shorts that left little to the imagination.
They were not my shorts.
I simply borrowed them because my own had split when I bent over Oh, please! We don't need to know everything.
I just want to say that your kACL family will be here for you as you take your first brave steps on that yellow brick road to pride and self - acceptance and Oh, shut up, you big queen! I see kitty has claws.
Another latte to go, please.
And you can take it out of there, thank you.
I-I didn't order these They're from those guys over there.
Oh, Dad.
You care for a coffee ? Nah.
I can see where you might think I would, though.
A guy walks into a coffee bar, he can't blame people for thinking he likes coffee.
Yes, Dad.
Course, uh, if he didn't like it, he could make that clear to people.
He might say, "I am not a coffee drinker" or "I have never tried coffee even once.
" Yes, all right, Dad.
"I am not even curious about " Yes, all right! Thank you.
Frasier.
I see you caught my show.
Mm-hmm.
Go ahead.
Let's hear it.
I'm not going to tease you.
I'm grateful.
You could have ratted me out to Daphne, but instead, you protected me just like a big sister should.
You know, I'm glad this tickles you.
I shouldn't make fun.
You people have been persecuted long enough as it is.
Are you done? I'm done.
I'll return those shorts to you tomorrow.
No, keep them.
You'll want them for the parade.
I'm done.
Now I'm done.
Frasier.
Oh, Alistair.
so sorry to hear about your ordeal today.
Oh, boy You heard my show then? No, I heard the replay on kiki and Mel's Drivetime Circus.
If it's any comfort, I went through the same thing myself once.
Really? Yes, I was a guest on a call-in show, and an angry ex-boyfriend phoned in.
Everything came out; names, dates, birthmarks.
Had quite a chat with the wife that night.
Very frank.
Very expensive.
Oh.
How awful for you.
Of course, in my case I know what might rally your spirits.
I'm giving a small party after the premiere of my opera next week.
Are you free to come? I'd be delighted.
splendid.
Well, I must get to rehearsals.
Oh, how are things coming? You can tag along, see for yourself if you like.
FRAsIER; I would love that.
Let me just grab my coffee.
Good-bye, Dad.
Niles.
Did you see that? I would kill to go to that party.
I was at that gay bar too, you know.
Let's see One of my sons just got picked up by a guy.
My other son is jealous.
Yep, life is good.
Dad, please clean up that debris around your chair.
Alistair is coming by.
"Oh, Alistair.
" That's all we've heard around here all week.
Alistair this, Alistair that.
m DAPHNE; You can't blame hi for being excited.
It's fun having a famous friend.
When I lived in England Do you know the actor Peter O' Toole? sure.
I always thought it would be fun to be friends with him.
(doorbell rings) Now, that's him.
Everyone just act natural.
Frasier! Alistair! ALIsTAIR; You smell fantastic.
Oh, it must be my new conditioner.
sandalwood with just a hint of? Cloves.
The man's amazing.
He has the musical panache of Leonard Bernstein and the nose of a Tuscan truffle hog.
You turn my head, sir.
(laughing); Oh, well come and meet my father, Martin Crane.
Well, how lovely to meet you, Martin.
How are you? Niles.
Hello.
Love the tie.
Charvet.
And I'm Daphne , Niles' wife.
No.
We're expecting.
Can't say I was.
How lovely to meet you, Daphne.
Likewise.
Frasier, this apartment is stunning.
Thank you.
The view-- breathtaking.
The art-- perfect.
The chair-- hilarious.
(phone rings) Damn.
so sorry.
I have to take this call.
Hello? Placido! Placido Domingo?! Yes.
I'm here with Frasier.
Yes, he's the one I told you about.
Oh, stop.
Oh, oh, yes, uh in the kitchen Well, you'll meet him next month at the concert in Madrid.
Oops, now I've spoiled the surprise.
He's taking me to Madrid! You just met him last week.
What's going on? He kissed you.
Well, he's a man of the theater.
He kisses everyone.
It's not like he's the first gay friend I've ever had.
It's the first one who thinks you're gay, too.
gay.
He does not think I'm He thinks I'm gay, and I'm standing next to my pregnant wife.
Have you told him you're straight? I don't have to.
I mean, it's obvious.
We are just friends.
He is not courting me.
Is that a new watch? so what if it is? Jewelry.
Ooh, he's a keeper.
stop that! My friendship with Alistair is the best thing that's happened to me in months.
I will not have you sully it by making it out to be something it's not.
sorry, my angel.
Well, we'd best get to that tailor.
Oh, yes, yes.
We're having new tuxes made for Alistair's premiere part y this weekend.
To which you are all invited.
(gasps) ; Thank you.
Will Peter O'Toole be there? No and he knows why.
These are amazing.
Where did you get them? I made them myself.
No Is there anything this man can't do? Time will tell.
Look at this crowd.
It's like a Who's Who of the creme de la creme of the upper crust! Frasier.
Alistair.
Your production was a triumph! Wasn't it? smile.
Welcome, welcome.
Thank you.
There are so many people here I'm dying for you to meet, but I have to make a little announcement first.
Glinka, darling, come and meet Frasier.
Frasier, finally.
Oh, Glinka, it's such an honor to meet you.
I have all your recordings.
so, I hear that you and Alistair are quite an item.
Oh, no, no, no, we're just very good friends.
Oh, yes.
Yes, of course.
Everyone, ? .
could I have your attention, please I have to announce that our very own Nigel Fry is retiring and giving up his seat on the Opera board (all sigh sadly) but I am thrilled to name as his successor a tireless supporter of opera in seattle, Dr.
Frasier Crane.
Oh! Oh, my! Oh, I never dreamed Oh, thank you, thank you! Congratu Iations.
stunning couple, aren't they? I'm more stunned by them each day.
Oh, Daph.
Quite an honor.
Oh, my God! Isn't it thrilling? Frasier, can we talk to you for a moment? Yes.
Do you realize that every person in this room thinks that you're Alistair's boyfriend? Listen, I can't help it if people think we're a couple The point is I'm enjoying myself, and if you're too jealous to be happy for me, then that's your problem.
Jealous?! Yes, that's right.
All my life I have dreamed of being half of a power couple, and I finally am.
Is it perfect? No.
.
But it's fun, and I don't want it to end Don't you worry at all that Alistair might be falling for you? Oh, please.
The man has not even made a move on me, and do you know why? Because we are friends.
Famous, fabulous friends.
Oh, uh, Alistair.
Congratulations.
It was a stunning production.
Oh, thank you, Niles.
It must be awfully hard work putting on an opera.
It is utterly draining.
In fact, when I'm in rehearsals, I devote every ounce of strength to it.
No exercising, no jogging.
I even abstain from sex.
re.
Well, you can ask Frasier he My poor, dear, patient Frasier.
Care to dance? I would love to.
Don't go far.
Well, looks like Nigel won't be the only one giving up his seat tonight.
I could scratch your eyes out and not one person here would find it strange.
I'm sorry.
Damn my fatal allure.
Alistair when you're finish with this dance Oh, no.
Be my guest.
Frasier, do you have any idea how sexy you look in that tux? Yes, I do.
Alistair I'm afraid I may have given you the wrong impression about myself.
You seem nervous.
Don't be.
And I want to thank you for waiting.
Oh, no, the waiting was good.
I enjoyed the waiting.
Oh, me too.
How it sharpens the appetite.
How it builds.
The intensity, the heat, the desire.
Can you feel it? Oh, yes, there it is.
Alistair, um Listen, I-I I'm afraid I have to tell you something, uh I'm not gay.
Oh, Frasier, please don't tell me you're still strugglin g with those issues.
Well, I-I like you so much, and I love our friendship.
But I'm afraid I can never really be more than friends.
Would three weeks on Capri in Bertolucci's villa change your mind? It's worth a try.
No, no No.
It-it wouldn't.
I'm sorry.
(sighs) ; Well, then I'm so sorry.
so am I.
Could I ask a small favor of you? Of course.
Anything.
Would you mind staying tonight until my other guests have gone? I'd hate my friends to think I'd been jilted.
Of course.
It won't be very late.
Around about 3:00 it's down to the core crowd, and we'll all relax and unwind.
It's after midnight, sir.
shall I fire up the hot tub? Absolutely.
I'm afraid I don't have a bathing suit.
Then you'll fit right in.