Married with Children s11e03 Episode Script

Man, I love COPS.
Yeah, definitely the best show on FO X.
Yeah, like that's saying much.
The American justice system at work.
Beating the crap out of people before judges let them go.
Almost makes me want to pay taxes.
Or vote.
You know, I could have been a great cop.
Well, with my catlike reflexes and keen senses.
I got eyes in the back of my head, you know.
Peg.
Peg, could you keep it down? We're trying to watch TV, here.
Do you believe that show is still on the air? It's a classic.
I love it.
- Except for the stupid neighbours.
- Yeah.
So use Extra extra virgin olive oil.
It's 100 percent pure like me.
Not pure enough.
Next.
Are you kidding? Kelly is the perfect spokesmodel for your olive oil.
No one is more innocent.
Hey, time out, boys.
My thong is riding up.
It's a chastity thong.
Young man, this is a national advertising campaign.
Our spokesperson has to be as pure as the oil itself.
Sister Claire, I assure you, Kelly is so pure she makes Mother Teresa look slutty.
I could tell you stories.
Really? Sister, I hate to play hard ball with you but Sonny, I spend every day wrestling with Beelzebub.
I think I can take your best shot.
Well, Kelly's got a firm offer from the Jehovah's Witnesses to be their new watchtower girl.
So, what's it gonna be? Sold.
I love putting the screws to those jerks.
Deal? But she will have to sign this morals clause.
And remember, I will be watching.
And so will he.
Hey.
So did you get me the job? Is the Pope Catholic? How should I know? Hello, I'm not really a nun.
No, but you play one on TV.
- You got the job.
- Oh, my God.
- You got the job.
- We're gonna be rich.
Yeah me.
But, unlike your bra, there's a catch.
See, you're gonna have to sign this morals clause.
You have to be chaste.
Well, do I get a head start? Kelly, to get a head start, you have to have a head.
But my point is, until the sister goes back to the convent you have to act like you're not interested in men.
This is gonna be my most challenging role yet.
Except, of course, when I played Dino in Flintstones in the Park.
Oh, yeah, big stretch.
You jumping a guy and licking his face as soon as he walks through the door.
Excuse me.
I had to play a hyperactive dinosaur.
That bitch Pebbles kept trying to upstage me.
Kelly, can you please try and concentrate? If you can do this, we can make $20,000.
Who needs men? Except for this one over here.
Hey.
What? You expect me to quit cold turkey? I think I'm gonna need a patch or something.
So let me get this straight.
You were sitting not more than four feet away while a criminal bound and gagged your wife? I feel terrible about it.
He took my lucky bowling shirt.
The one you've never washed? You sure it didn't just walk off on its own? No, I think the shoulders were a little broader.
The jaw was a little more chiselled, and there was a dimple.
There, that's him.
So you were robbed by a pirate who looks like Brad Pitt? Are you sure this is who we're looking for? Well, he's who I'm looking for.
Okay.
For your insurance report, we got you down for a bowling shirt a Maserati and a Picasso.
Make that two Picassos.
Write one down for yourself.
Thanks, buddy.
Hey.
And speaking of objects de art l'll see you at the Jiggly Room on Saturday.
I can't go.
I'm on duty.
What do you mean you can't go? If you're not there, we can't do the strip searches.
I know.
But that stupid show COPS is following me around.
COPS? You're gonna be on COPS? It's my life's dream to be on COPS.
But, Al, I work alone.
You lose three partners in a week and suddenly nobody wants to ride with you.
I do.
See, every great cop works with another guy.
Starsky and Hutch, two guys.
Jak e and the Fatman, two guys.
Cagney & Lacey, two guys.
- I don't know.
- Hey, Dan.
Does the captain know you rent the patrol car out for prom dates? Pick you up at 8.
How did you develop such a rich fantasy life? How do you think? Gee, thanks for such a fun evening, sister.
I don't know Apostle Bingo could be so exciting.
Well, tomorrow night we're going to play the mother superior's favourite game.
What? Spin the Candle Stick? No.
Messiah Mystery Date.
Will he be a dud, or will he rise again? Come on, sister, I'll drive you back to your hotel.
If you're not home by midnight, you might turn into a Protestant.
That would never happen.
I am a Bride of Christ.
Wow, that must have been a fancy wedding.
She's not the brightest bead on the rosary, is she? Oh, God.
Thank God.
- Oh, hi, sweetie.
- Hi, Mom.
Hey, is something wrong? Well, you wanna talk about it? Oh, come on.
Let's have a little mother-daughter moment just like they do on TV.
Thanks, Mom.
It's really personal and it's kind of embarrassing.
Oh, honey, you got your period.
Mom, I'm 25.
Well, don't be ashamed.
Every woman develops differently.
You're just a late bloomer.
Mom, it's not my period.
Well, don't worry.
It'll come.
I'm glad we had this talk.
No, no, Mom.
Wait, that's not it.
Well, don't tell me you're pregnant.
What would the neighbours think? Me, a grandmother at 35.
Mars to Mom.
I am not pregnant.
Well, honey, then what is it? Bulimia? Anorexia? You found out about Santa Clause? What about Santa? Oh, nothing.
Okay.
It's about not having sex.
Oh, my God, you got married.
No, Mom.
It's just that I'm having a really hard time with that morals clause I told you about.
I miss boys.
Well you know what Grandma Wanker always said.
Pass the gravy? No.
You gonna eat that skin? No.
But, actually, what's she's talking about is chocolate.
That's right.
Whenever you feel the urge, you just take two of these and call QVC in the morning.
Thanks, Mom, but I think it's gonna be a long time before I become that desperate.
These bonbons are great.
But you know, I can't get my leg to stop twitching.
Oh, you get used to that.
Freeze, bitches.
I haven't thought about men once, I swear.
Damn.
I always get this place confused with the crack house.
Oh, baby.
Is that a night stick or are you just happy to see me? It's a night stick, Peg, and I'm not afraid to use it.
Al, I thought we agreed you weren't gonna carry a gun.
Well, don't worry, I know how to handle this thing.
That's what he said on our honeymoon.
Let's ride.
This is great.
Car 54, where are you? Al, we're car 54.
Hi.
I'm Mike from COPS.
Nice to meet you.
Just act natural and pretend I'm not here.
So why did you become a cop? It's in the blood.
My pop was a cop.
Top cop just like his pop.
Grandpop.
Both top cops.
Make me stop.
As a cop, you're a flop.
So when did your partner get shot in the head? In about 30 seconds.
Just like all good cops we start every shift with an equipment check.
Right.
First, we check to see if the safety's on.
It's not.
Sometimes we have to make an example.
To who? The remaining two spotted owls in this hemisphere? It's kill or be killed.
Let's ride.
- Hey, Kel, how's it going? - It's going great.
I haven't thought about men once.
You know, Mom was a big help.
She said all I have to do is just channel my frustrations into arts and crafts.
Finished.
I call it Death of a Shoe Salesman.
You're doing great, Kelly.
I really am proud of you.
Thanks, Bud.
Hey, you been working out? Thank God.
Sister Claire.
I just dropped you off at the hotel.
What are you doing here? I was sitting in my hotel room when I had a haunting vision of sin.
You shouldn't have ordered pay-per-view.
I mean, I thought there might be sinning going on here.
Oh, what could make you think such a thing? Oh, we make these by the thousands at the convent.
- May I? - Oh, of course.
The Pope has one of my space needles.
Excuse me, sister, the meter's running.
Do you want me to go or stay? - Stay.
- Go.
Hi.
I'm Kelly.
And I'm off-duty.
Please, this commercial could mean national exposure.
Oh, this is all the exposure I want.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
Look, I made Stonehenge.
Dear Lord, I thank thee for my talents, which are considerable.
And Lord bless these good, decent Bundys.
Lead them not into temptation and deliver them from evil.
Amen.
Sinners.
No, sister, this isn't what you think.
Hey, Bud, get your hands off of him.
I saw him first.
Lady, you are fired.
Wait, sister, sister.
She's not my only client.
Can you act? And will you wear a dress? No and yes.
I've seen more action in a shoe store.
Not Not Not that I work there.
No, I mean, I'm a cop and a damn good one.
Attention patrol car 54, there's a 6-3-3 in progress.
Finally.
We're on it.
Floor it, Danno.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Let's be careful out there.
Help.
Help.
Someone help.
Help.
Ma'am, what seems to be the problem? It's my Stanley.
He's going to jump.
We've got a jumper.
Everybody stay calm.
Is your husband depressed? I'll say.
He's dead.
We've got a dead man up a tree.
No.
Stanley's my cat.
A A cat? I became a cop to rescue cats? Be careful.
He's very high-strung.
Ma'am, just step aside.
Let me handle this.
Call for backup.
Officer down.
Call 911.
Officer down.
Officer down.
Quit, Stanley.
Stop playing with that, it's dirty.
Don't pull.
Don't pull.
Man, how many doughnuts can your partner eat? I think he's near his record.
You can tell because the buttons on his shirt are just about to pop.
You might wanna take cover.
Man, talk about the ugly underbelly of society.
All right, that's it.
I'm out of here.
I haven't been on a shoot this lame since COPS in Amish Country.
You mean, I'm not gonna be on COPS? Any available unit.
Burglary in progress at 9766 Jeopardy Lane.
Hey, that's my neighbour.
That must be that punk who stole my bowling shirt.
Aren't you gonna wait for your partner? If you were in trouble, would you want me to wait for him? You, specifically? Yeah.
Strap yourself in, camera boy.
We're going for a ride.
Hi.
This is Jefferson.
And Marcy.
Officer? Officer? Don't shoot.
We just saw the burglar right next door.
You mean he tied you up and smeared you with marshmallow fluff? Oh, that is sick.
Yeah.
The pervert.
Al is that you? Why are you dressed? She was hysterical.
Clearly needed to be subdued.
Yeah, whatever you say, chief.
This is gonna look great on COPS.
Wait a minute.
You mean, I'm gonna be on TV all covered in fluff? Our work here is done.
Let's go get that punk.
Hey.
Extra extra virgin olive oil now available virgin-free.
Take some home tonight.
This is Sodom and Gomorrah.
And I am not hiring any of your harlot clients.
Hey.
Hey, Tina Yothers is not a harlot.
She was the best thing on Family Ties.
I preferred Skippy.
Young man, I insist you take me back to my hotel.
Thanks, but you're not my type.
Caught you, you dirt bag.
Give me back my bowling shirt.
Mike, you getting this? This is my good side.
Are you kidding? Nuns in an orgy.
Do you have any idea what Hard Copy will pay for this? There he is, officer.
Arrest him.
- Yeah, book him.
- No, not him.
Him.
He destroyed my home, he shot my cuckoo and he's not even a real cop.
Or a real father.
Or much of a host.
Or very photogenic.
Doesn't it mean anything that I apprehended this vicious criminal? Yeah.
It means, that you're going away for impersonating an officer.
- I hope you fry.
- Back at you.
- Officer, can I have a ride? - Wait, wait, sister.
I just thought of the most brilliant idea.
I have the perfect client for your olive oil.
- That's what you said before.
- No.
This time, I'm telling the truth.
I mean, she's beautiful, her schedule is open.
And I promise you complete and total abstinence.
So use Extra extra virgin olive oil.
It's 100 percent pure.
Like me.
I can't believe it.
You were right.
She is perfect.
So the deal's still on? Absolutely.
Next.
Ma.
What kind of agent are you? That commercial was perfect for me and you sent in your mother? Tina, baby, I got bigger plans for you.
Right, like that last great job you got me playing Pebbles in Flintstones in the Park? Well, you said you wanted to return to the stage? That was a lame gig.
It rained all week.
And that bitch Dino kept trying to upstage me.
I've had it with you.
You're fired.
Tina, I thought you were happy with me? Bud, I'm sure this isn't the first time you've heard this.
I faked it.