Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s11e04 Episode Script
Who's That Bloke With Nora Batty Then?
Ey up, Nora.
You look a fair treat this morning.
Where are you off to? None of your business! What the dickens is that? What does it look like? A foggy day in Barnsley! You're not leaving washing like that out there! Why not? In case some damn fool thinks it's mine.
I know you usually wear sensible stuff underneath, but no-one will think you'd go this far.
How do you know what I wear underneath? I see you pegging them out! You shouldn't be looking.
Don't worry, lass.
It won't put me off my steak and kidney pud! Well, I must say, you look very tasty this morning! Keep your distance! Take them damn things down.
Put them in a bucket, and I'll wash them later.
I've just washed them.
Ye gods! HELLO! Nora Batty is interfering with my underwear! Oh! You mustn't interfere with Compo's underwear.
Keep away! Nora Batty were looking tasty this morning.
I SAID, Nora Batty were looking tasty this morning.
You don't say.
Yes I do.
Oh, well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs.
Talk to yourself, Compo.
Wind in the west, is it? Slightly southwest.
Forecast was quite good.
I'm so glad that everybody finds my little bit of news so interesting.
I didn't expect you to overdo it.
I didn't expect you to jump up and down.
What's he on about? I'm on about Nora Batty.
You should have seen her this morning.
Talk about done up! Well, she could stand a bit! They've done the town hall up.
There they have something to go on! Bog off! She looked terrific.
That woman inflames a bloke's senses, I tell you.
Like scarlet fever? No! Like Vivien Leigh.
Oh.
Scarlett O'Fever! The thing is, where was Nora Batty going looking so delicious? Didn't you ask? Yes.
She wouldn't tell me.
I expect she was going to the doctor's.
Why the doctor's? They always get dressed up for that.
That generation only looks half-smart when they're half-dead! She wasn't going to the doctor's.
She's a fit lass, she is.
Packs a wallop like a kangaroo! THAT'S who she looks like.
Not Vivien Leigh.
A kangaroo! What's wrong with him? I think we hurt his feelings.
Here.
Get this down and stop sulking.
You can't drink AND sulk.
This stuff is too expensive to be ignored while you drink it.
Stop mocking the woman I love.
Good grief! What do you think the Almighty designed her for?! I've fancied Nora Batty for years.
Then YOU should see a doctor! Can't explain it.
Me neither.
Must be something chemical.
Oh.
Like Harpic? I wonder where she were going.
You can't just go round asking people where Nora Batty is.
It's none of your business.
It's rude to pry.
I'm not going to ask straight out.
I'm going to be crafty about it.
This I must see.
SHOP! Wait a minute! I don't want to pry into Nora Batty's life.
I do.
Don't worry about it, Norm.
If there's any prying, I'll do it.
I'm not superstitious, but some mysteries of the universe are best left alone.
SHOP! Can't you wait two minutes?! I was putting buns in the oven.
You should be ashamed of yourself! DON'T! You're under pressure, Ivy.
You should stop to listen to the birds and look at the blue sky.
I don't want your old flannel! Why don't we come back later? Or even later than that?! Sit down! Seymour! Sit down.
Three teas, Ivy.
And one for Nora when she comes.
Nora? Nora B-A-T-T-Y! I KNOW which Nora.
How do you know she's coming here? I have a nasty itch in my wellies! Just call it a ferret fancier's fancy! I call it nonsense.
She won't come.
She doesn't work here on a Wednesday.
She's not working.
She's dressed up.
Dressed up? On a Wednesday? Yes.
Best stockings.
Not a wrinkle! That's funny.
It's plain she knows nowt.
I'm getting worried.
Stop behaving as if your ferret were pregnant! I'm not sitting up all night with him again.
Not a wrinkle? You heard me! Not a wrinkle! It's flying in the face of nature.
PHONE RINGS Pegden residence.
Lady of the house speaking.
What? On a Wednesday? And no wrinkles? Is she going to the doctor's? No, nothing's on at the church.
I would have been invited.
No, as you say, she's not poorly.
It's not a wedding or a funeral? It must be a very important crisis.
Take away sickness and death, and all you have left is something in trousers, isn't it? Can I just? No, you can't! PHONE RINGS Hello.
If that's your bit of fluff, tell her how romantic you were groaning with heartburn in flannelette pyjamas with your hair sticking up like exploding knitting.
It's for you, love.
Hello.
On a Wednesday? Never! Without a wrinkle? What are you nebbing at? Go and tend to one of your ailments.
Go and dab something on a spot or something, lover-boy.
Just because your path happens to cross with someone out cycling So Come along, that boy.
You can't just sit there.
I'm sitting here till she gets home.
I demand an explanation.
I've a right to know why she's dressed up on a Wednesday! It fills me with admiration that anyone with trousers in his condition can still sit on cold surfaces.
He's completely mad.
You have to admit he's brave.
There's probably a perfectly simple reason why she's dressed up.
What do you think, Clegg? I think you're right.
She must have a fella! AARGH! I'll kill him! Now look what you've done.
Come and have a drink! I don't want a drink.
I'm hearing things! It's a mistake.
Ask him again.
How could you expect a bloke to drink when he's all knotted up inside? You're all knotted up OUTSIDE! I can't.
I can't drink in this condition.
Suppose we forget about beer and buy you a whisky? Maybe I CAN drink in this condition.
SHOP! Ey up I'll KILL him! I'll kill him! Control yourself.
I'm sure there's a simple explanation.
Think of one! Think of what? An explanation why she's in there with a man.
She's in love.
I'll KILL him! That's not the one! Hot, sweet tea.
I've revived many a cold, wet, shivering schoolboy with hot, sweet tea.
It's the finest thing for shock.
I've had all the shock I need.
Not for GIVING shock, for CURING it.
Nowt can cure this one.
Don't be so damned dramatic.
It's probably her insurance man orumorum Her fancy man.
AARGH! Will you keep quiet! Only kidding! He's not in the mood.
It wasn't her insurance man.
She was smiling at him all the time.
Not smiling, exactly.
She never smiles exactly.
It's hit and miss.
Eurgh! Oh, dear! Fancy her going astray after all these years.
Leaving me.
At my age! And I can't even join the Foreign Legion! I could give you a reference.
You could join Help the Aged.
That's NOT funny.
It's hilarious.
Life keeps on surprising and delighting me.
You think you've seen most things, then you find a bloke prepared to have lunch with Nora Batty! Perhaps he doesn't see too well! Why do you think it is? Why isn't it ME sitting in that bar, next to her? The reason is because YOU look disgusting.
You're unshaven and tatty.
You look like you should have been burned on November 5th.
You're a mess! Ah.
I mean, apart from that.
Why's she avoiding me, Norm? You're just lucky, I guess.
There's nothing else for it.
I've got to change my image.
Now we're getting somewhere.
That's positive thinking.
Oh! Pick your feet up! Right! One, two, three.
# One, two, three-allairy # My ball's down the airy # Don't forget to give it to Mary # Then you'll get a sweetie.
# Whoops! What's up with him? Love.
It'll take forever for me to get back into perfect condition.
It'll take forever for you to get back into POOR condition! You're overlooking quality training.
I once trained 11 schoolboys to win the McMurdoch shield.
The McMurdoch Shield? What was that for? Scottish dancing, actually.
But the principle's the same.
Scottish dancing? I'm not frolicking about in a kilt.
The principle's the same.
I haven't got time.
When I'm fit, she'll be married! I must think of something quickly.
I have to find something to make an immediate impression.
Something to make her look at me twice.
BOTH: Twice?! Just walk to Wesley's car, and he'll drive you to Nora's.
No-one will see you.
SHE will.
That's the whole idea.
This time, instead of old scruffy, there will be an interesting, sportsman-like figure.
Are you sure no-one's there? No-one.
Off you go! We'll catch you up.
Remember how your Uncle Edgar went? That's just how your Uncle Edgar went.
Not in a swimming costume.
It was a lady's squirrel coat worn with a box-pleated skirt and matching accessories.
Now, you keep out of sight until we give you the signal that Nora is here.
Then you come round the corner whistling and swinging your towel as if you've been involved in sport.
How will you get her to come out? No problem.
We walk up her steps and ring her bell! Hey! Where are you going? You have to help me keep Nora busy until he appears.
I have to get back under my engine.
I have a desperate urge to watch someone underneath an engine.
What's the matter with you two? It's only Nora Batty.
She's only human.
Rubbish! She's legendary.
If she were in a chariot, all you would see would be fleeing Romans.
Will you get a grip on yourselves! I can't bear to see grown men like this.
You'll ring her bell? Of course I'll ring it.
It's only a bell! Will you get a move on? It gets a bit nippy in this outfit.
You've got the easy part! The easy part gets the nippiest.
You stay there, quietly, until I give you the signal.
What signal? I shall cough loudly.
I come round the corner, whistling.
Right! And we all look surprised.
Who wouldn't be, at that thing?! Now, stop it! He needs support.
Particularly where it sags most! Right! Follow me.
What are you going to tell her? Stop worrying.
A headmaster is never lost for words.
What do you want? Cat got your tongue? Er, well, er I, er As a matter of fact, I thought You tell her, Clegg.
Never lost for words(!) Well HE COUGHS LOUDLY Whatever's the matter with him? Is his thorax full of fluff? He's got a headful! Is it catching? Tra-la! How do, lads? .
.
Morning, Nora.
What's he doing in that terrible underwear? Get indoors! You look unseemly! He wants locking up.
You ALL want locking up.
Get off my steps, the lot of you! Coughing on a person's steps! Have you noticed how she's changed? She was never unpleasant until she met this fella.
She was always unpleasant.
Are you just saying that? She was always unpleasant! Is that true, Norm? Cross my heart.
A real nag.
Frightening.
Fair enough.
Don't just say it to cheer me up.
Don't sit there! Be reasonable, man.
You can't keep the most comfortable chair when you've got guests.
Oh! Put his bum on there.
Yes, that's better.
I'll stand, I'll stand.
You know what it is, don't you? She's never yet seen you in some sporting activity.
We need to let her see you doing something sporty.
Like what? It doesn't LOOK like a sailboard.
For short notice, it does.
Of course it does.
What do you think, Norm? Well, maybe from a distance it looks like a sailboard That DOESN'T look like a sailboard.
Ah, Barry! Just the man.
Could you listen to my wheel bearing? Barry.
You're an independent witness with keen powers of observation.
You can tell us what this looks like.
An ironing board.
Barry, I wonder whether you've got the hang of being a son-in-law.
The more you look at it, the less it looks like an ironing board.
The more you look at it, the less it looks like a sailboard.
You do a rush job, and your work is insulted.
It DOES look like an ironing board.
Barry isn't familiar with sailboards.
Have you done any sailboarding? Well, none.
We usually go to my aunty's.
There you are, you see.
To anyone else, it will look instantly like a sailboard.
Wesley Pegden? Where are you going with my ironing board? We'll get the sail on.
It will look fine with a sail on.
Just like a graceful old single-masted ironing board.
You can forget it.
Shut the shop and pull the blind.
I won't do it.
It's You Do you think it will look all right with a sail on it? Ready? Oops! Come back! Now, nothing clever for starters.
Just step on board and get the feel of it.
Come on! There we are.
Oops! Steady as a rock.
Now, let down the main.
Let down the sail! Right! Launch it! Push it out! We'll have to go in deeper water.
You've got the feel of it, Seymour! Well, always lead from the front.
This will work.
.
.
Are you ready? I'm ready.
All right.
Stand by! Go! Stop, Wesley! HELP! Excuse me asking, but why is he doing this? He thinks Nora Batty has found a gentleman.
They were in the pub together.
That's Uncle Eric.
He wants people to sell Christmas hampers for him.
All right! You needn't bother.
Mayday! Mayday! Determined little beggar!
You look a fair treat this morning.
Where are you off to? None of your business! What the dickens is that? What does it look like? A foggy day in Barnsley! You're not leaving washing like that out there! Why not? In case some damn fool thinks it's mine.
I know you usually wear sensible stuff underneath, but no-one will think you'd go this far.
How do you know what I wear underneath? I see you pegging them out! You shouldn't be looking.
Don't worry, lass.
It won't put me off my steak and kidney pud! Well, I must say, you look very tasty this morning! Keep your distance! Take them damn things down.
Put them in a bucket, and I'll wash them later.
I've just washed them.
Ye gods! HELLO! Nora Batty is interfering with my underwear! Oh! You mustn't interfere with Compo's underwear.
Keep away! Nora Batty were looking tasty this morning.
I SAID, Nora Batty were looking tasty this morning.
You don't say.
Yes I do.
Oh, well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs.
Talk to yourself, Compo.
Wind in the west, is it? Slightly southwest.
Forecast was quite good.
I'm so glad that everybody finds my little bit of news so interesting.
I didn't expect you to overdo it.
I didn't expect you to jump up and down.
What's he on about? I'm on about Nora Batty.
You should have seen her this morning.
Talk about done up! Well, she could stand a bit! They've done the town hall up.
There they have something to go on! Bog off! She looked terrific.
That woman inflames a bloke's senses, I tell you.
Like scarlet fever? No! Like Vivien Leigh.
Oh.
Scarlett O'Fever! The thing is, where was Nora Batty going looking so delicious? Didn't you ask? Yes.
She wouldn't tell me.
I expect she was going to the doctor's.
Why the doctor's? They always get dressed up for that.
That generation only looks half-smart when they're half-dead! She wasn't going to the doctor's.
She's a fit lass, she is.
Packs a wallop like a kangaroo! THAT'S who she looks like.
Not Vivien Leigh.
A kangaroo! What's wrong with him? I think we hurt his feelings.
Here.
Get this down and stop sulking.
You can't drink AND sulk.
This stuff is too expensive to be ignored while you drink it.
Stop mocking the woman I love.
Good grief! What do you think the Almighty designed her for?! I've fancied Nora Batty for years.
Then YOU should see a doctor! Can't explain it.
Me neither.
Must be something chemical.
Oh.
Like Harpic? I wonder where she were going.
You can't just go round asking people where Nora Batty is.
It's none of your business.
It's rude to pry.
I'm not going to ask straight out.
I'm going to be crafty about it.
This I must see.
SHOP! Wait a minute! I don't want to pry into Nora Batty's life.
I do.
Don't worry about it, Norm.
If there's any prying, I'll do it.
I'm not superstitious, but some mysteries of the universe are best left alone.
SHOP! Can't you wait two minutes?! I was putting buns in the oven.
You should be ashamed of yourself! DON'T! You're under pressure, Ivy.
You should stop to listen to the birds and look at the blue sky.
I don't want your old flannel! Why don't we come back later? Or even later than that?! Sit down! Seymour! Sit down.
Three teas, Ivy.
And one for Nora when she comes.
Nora? Nora B-A-T-T-Y! I KNOW which Nora.
How do you know she's coming here? I have a nasty itch in my wellies! Just call it a ferret fancier's fancy! I call it nonsense.
She won't come.
She doesn't work here on a Wednesday.
She's not working.
She's dressed up.
Dressed up? On a Wednesday? Yes.
Best stockings.
Not a wrinkle! That's funny.
It's plain she knows nowt.
I'm getting worried.
Stop behaving as if your ferret were pregnant! I'm not sitting up all night with him again.
Not a wrinkle? You heard me! Not a wrinkle! It's flying in the face of nature.
PHONE RINGS Pegden residence.
Lady of the house speaking.
What? On a Wednesday? And no wrinkles? Is she going to the doctor's? No, nothing's on at the church.
I would have been invited.
No, as you say, she's not poorly.
It's not a wedding or a funeral? It must be a very important crisis.
Take away sickness and death, and all you have left is something in trousers, isn't it? Can I just? No, you can't! PHONE RINGS Hello.
If that's your bit of fluff, tell her how romantic you were groaning with heartburn in flannelette pyjamas with your hair sticking up like exploding knitting.
It's for you, love.
Hello.
On a Wednesday? Never! Without a wrinkle? What are you nebbing at? Go and tend to one of your ailments.
Go and dab something on a spot or something, lover-boy.
Just because your path happens to cross with someone out cycling So Come along, that boy.
You can't just sit there.
I'm sitting here till she gets home.
I demand an explanation.
I've a right to know why she's dressed up on a Wednesday! It fills me with admiration that anyone with trousers in his condition can still sit on cold surfaces.
He's completely mad.
You have to admit he's brave.
There's probably a perfectly simple reason why she's dressed up.
What do you think, Clegg? I think you're right.
She must have a fella! AARGH! I'll kill him! Now look what you've done.
Come and have a drink! I don't want a drink.
I'm hearing things! It's a mistake.
Ask him again.
How could you expect a bloke to drink when he's all knotted up inside? You're all knotted up OUTSIDE! I can't.
I can't drink in this condition.
Suppose we forget about beer and buy you a whisky? Maybe I CAN drink in this condition.
SHOP! Ey up I'll KILL him! I'll kill him! Control yourself.
I'm sure there's a simple explanation.
Think of one! Think of what? An explanation why she's in there with a man.
She's in love.
I'll KILL him! That's not the one! Hot, sweet tea.
I've revived many a cold, wet, shivering schoolboy with hot, sweet tea.
It's the finest thing for shock.
I've had all the shock I need.
Not for GIVING shock, for CURING it.
Nowt can cure this one.
Don't be so damned dramatic.
It's probably her insurance man orumorum Her fancy man.
AARGH! Will you keep quiet! Only kidding! He's not in the mood.
It wasn't her insurance man.
She was smiling at him all the time.
Not smiling, exactly.
She never smiles exactly.
It's hit and miss.
Eurgh! Oh, dear! Fancy her going astray after all these years.
Leaving me.
At my age! And I can't even join the Foreign Legion! I could give you a reference.
You could join Help the Aged.
That's NOT funny.
It's hilarious.
Life keeps on surprising and delighting me.
You think you've seen most things, then you find a bloke prepared to have lunch with Nora Batty! Perhaps he doesn't see too well! Why do you think it is? Why isn't it ME sitting in that bar, next to her? The reason is because YOU look disgusting.
You're unshaven and tatty.
You look like you should have been burned on November 5th.
You're a mess! Ah.
I mean, apart from that.
Why's she avoiding me, Norm? You're just lucky, I guess.
There's nothing else for it.
I've got to change my image.
Now we're getting somewhere.
That's positive thinking.
Oh! Pick your feet up! Right! One, two, three.
# One, two, three-allairy # My ball's down the airy # Don't forget to give it to Mary # Then you'll get a sweetie.
# Whoops! What's up with him? Love.
It'll take forever for me to get back into perfect condition.
It'll take forever for you to get back into POOR condition! You're overlooking quality training.
I once trained 11 schoolboys to win the McMurdoch shield.
The McMurdoch Shield? What was that for? Scottish dancing, actually.
But the principle's the same.
Scottish dancing? I'm not frolicking about in a kilt.
The principle's the same.
I haven't got time.
When I'm fit, she'll be married! I must think of something quickly.
I have to find something to make an immediate impression.
Something to make her look at me twice.
BOTH: Twice?! Just walk to Wesley's car, and he'll drive you to Nora's.
No-one will see you.
SHE will.
That's the whole idea.
This time, instead of old scruffy, there will be an interesting, sportsman-like figure.
Are you sure no-one's there? No-one.
Off you go! We'll catch you up.
Remember how your Uncle Edgar went? That's just how your Uncle Edgar went.
Not in a swimming costume.
It was a lady's squirrel coat worn with a box-pleated skirt and matching accessories.
Now, you keep out of sight until we give you the signal that Nora is here.
Then you come round the corner whistling and swinging your towel as if you've been involved in sport.
How will you get her to come out? No problem.
We walk up her steps and ring her bell! Hey! Where are you going? You have to help me keep Nora busy until he appears.
I have to get back under my engine.
I have a desperate urge to watch someone underneath an engine.
What's the matter with you two? It's only Nora Batty.
She's only human.
Rubbish! She's legendary.
If she were in a chariot, all you would see would be fleeing Romans.
Will you get a grip on yourselves! I can't bear to see grown men like this.
You'll ring her bell? Of course I'll ring it.
It's only a bell! Will you get a move on? It gets a bit nippy in this outfit.
You've got the easy part! The easy part gets the nippiest.
You stay there, quietly, until I give you the signal.
What signal? I shall cough loudly.
I come round the corner, whistling.
Right! And we all look surprised.
Who wouldn't be, at that thing?! Now, stop it! He needs support.
Particularly where it sags most! Right! Follow me.
What are you going to tell her? Stop worrying.
A headmaster is never lost for words.
What do you want? Cat got your tongue? Er, well, er I, er As a matter of fact, I thought You tell her, Clegg.
Never lost for words(!) Well HE COUGHS LOUDLY Whatever's the matter with him? Is his thorax full of fluff? He's got a headful! Is it catching? Tra-la! How do, lads? .
.
Morning, Nora.
What's he doing in that terrible underwear? Get indoors! You look unseemly! He wants locking up.
You ALL want locking up.
Get off my steps, the lot of you! Coughing on a person's steps! Have you noticed how she's changed? She was never unpleasant until she met this fella.
She was always unpleasant.
Are you just saying that? She was always unpleasant! Is that true, Norm? Cross my heart.
A real nag.
Frightening.
Fair enough.
Don't just say it to cheer me up.
Don't sit there! Be reasonable, man.
You can't keep the most comfortable chair when you've got guests.
Oh! Put his bum on there.
Yes, that's better.
I'll stand, I'll stand.
You know what it is, don't you? She's never yet seen you in some sporting activity.
We need to let her see you doing something sporty.
Like what? It doesn't LOOK like a sailboard.
For short notice, it does.
Of course it does.
What do you think, Norm? Well, maybe from a distance it looks like a sailboard That DOESN'T look like a sailboard.
Ah, Barry! Just the man.
Could you listen to my wheel bearing? Barry.
You're an independent witness with keen powers of observation.
You can tell us what this looks like.
An ironing board.
Barry, I wonder whether you've got the hang of being a son-in-law.
The more you look at it, the less it looks like an ironing board.
The more you look at it, the less it looks like a sailboard.
You do a rush job, and your work is insulted.
It DOES look like an ironing board.
Barry isn't familiar with sailboards.
Have you done any sailboarding? Well, none.
We usually go to my aunty's.
There you are, you see.
To anyone else, it will look instantly like a sailboard.
Wesley Pegden? Where are you going with my ironing board? We'll get the sail on.
It will look fine with a sail on.
Just like a graceful old single-masted ironing board.
You can forget it.
Shut the shop and pull the blind.
I won't do it.
It's You Do you think it will look all right with a sail on it? Ready? Oops! Come back! Now, nothing clever for starters.
Just step on board and get the feel of it.
Come on! There we are.
Oops! Steady as a rock.
Now, let down the main.
Let down the sail! Right! Launch it! Push it out! We'll have to go in deeper water.
You've got the feel of it, Seymour! Well, always lead from the front.
This will work.
.
.
Are you ready? I'm ready.
All right.
Stand by! Go! Stop, Wesley! HELP! Excuse me asking, but why is he doing this? He thinks Nora Batty has found a gentleman.
They were in the pub together.
That's Uncle Eric.
He wants people to sell Christmas hampers for him.
All right! You needn't bother.
Mayday! Mayday! Determined little beggar!