Frasier s11e05 Episode Script

Does he wear jewelry? 'cause I don't do "man jewelry.
" He doesn't wear jewelry.
What about skin issues? Because I have a thing against tags, growths, any kind of fleshy masses.
Ann, he's male and his heart is beating.
What else do you need to know? Okay.
Frasier.
Roz, I came as quickly as I could.
What's the emergency? Oh, no, it's not an emergency.
It's just Hi.
I'm Ann Hodges .
I'm divorced.
I'm sorry.
I'm Dr.
Frasier crane.
I thought you two would like to meet.
Ann is in insurance.
Oh, well, I'm sorry she dragged you all the way down here.
I've just renewed my policy.
Perhaps Roz could introduce you to my brother Niles.
Is he single? No, but with a baby on the way, he might need some additional coverage.
Super.
Well, thanks a lot, Roz.
This was totally worth a drive across town.
Are you dense? I was trying to set you guys up.
Why would you do that? I don't know.
Maybe because you haven't had a date in ages and it's starting to show.
What is that, your purse? This is a grocery tote.
I wanted to pick up some vegetables and some cat food at the market.
You did not get a cat.
No, no, I am cat-sitting for a neighbor.
And I go out.
I'm going out this evening .
With whom? People.
People you're related to? They're still people.
Listen, Roz, I may not go out as often as you do, but that's because I have standards.
Haven't you ever heard of waiting for Miss Right? Yeah, well, Miss Right has standards, too, and she's not looking to meet Mr.
Mothballs.
You can smell that ? Oh, dear.
You need a place holder.
You know, someone you can go out with and just keep your dating muscles toned.
That way you'll be ready when Miss Right comes along.
And Ann Hodges is a born place holder.
I don't want to go out with somebody I'm not interested in .
I would rather wait for Miss Right.
And while I'm waiting, there's no reason I can't li a rich and rewarding life.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get these vegetables home and into a hearty winter soup.
Oh, hi, guys.
Hey, Doc, you're always free.
My cousin's in town.
Why don't you help me show her the city? Did Roz put you up to this? I had nothing to do with it.
I swear to God.
Well, I'm sorry, Kenny, but I am booked all this weekend.
Oh, here's luck.
I found a perfectly good thimble in this pocket.
See you later.
Thanks anyway.
Hey, I tried.
NILES; Reservation for crane.
For four, sir? No, sorry, for five.
We added one.
All we have is a table for four.
We can all squeeze.
This one's always on my lap after the second drink anyway.
very well, madam.
get the chair.
You know, there's really no need to go to all this trouble.
I have a perfectly good winter soup back home.
Don't be silly.
Oh, no.
All right, um Well, um Oh! I'm sorry.
Do you have anything higher? Sorry, sir.
I will look for a cushion.
So, Fras, tell everybody about that new antique you picked up today.
Well, it's a late Regency fruitwood mirror.
very valuable if it has the original glass, which mine does.
No.
What are the odds? Boy, if you like mirrors you should see the one Ronee's got in her dressing room.
It's got lights all around the edges, and it has three settings.
Yeah.
Daytime, nighttime, and yikes.
(laughing) Oh, yes, excuse me.
If I could get a place setting, that would be lovely.
What's Inizio Due cuore? That's our appetizer sampler for two.
A bruschetta for you, a bruschetta for your love and so on.
Is it possible to make that for one? One? Yes, a bruschetta for me, no bruschetta for my love and so on.
I'm sorry.
It's dueor no.
NILES; That's fine.
We'll get two orders and we'll just all share.
very good.
Mm, looks delicious.
This is fun, you know.
This is the first time Marty and I have been out with another couple.
And Frasier.
It's fun being out with Frasier, too.
(all agreeing) We love being out with Frasier, don't we, Niles.
All right, listen, all of you, just knock it off.
Welcome, everyone.
I married my beautiful Theresa.
And now, we hope that all you loving couples out there will help us celebrate our happiness by joining us in a dance.
The fish.
.
Oh, just go dance .
Hello Mr.
Bottomsley.
Dinner was an absolute nightmare.
Fortunately, I was able to slip out of there early and pick you up a little treat.
(chuckles) Fresh tuna.
.
You're welcome (over answering machine) ; Frasier, this is Roz.
Write down this number.
Don't get mad, but that's Ann's number.
I talked to her and she really thought you were cute and sweet and Honestly, why does everyone assume that I need some companionship in my life? Has the world gone mad, Mr.
Bottomsley? What shall we two bachelor s do this evening, Mr.
B? Perhaps a crossword puzzle? Maybe watch a little telly? Oh, I know-- how about a nice hot bath? (chuckles) I'm just teasing.
, Now, I know that you're used to eating canned tuna so this will taste different, but if you're like me, I think you'll agree it's much better.
If only there were a treat here for me.
(gasps) What's this? A delicious nine-vegetable winter soup.
Oh (sniffs) Yes, Mr.
B, I think you were right about the bay leaves.
(with British accent); Oh, Mr.
Bottomsley, lovely to see you again, sir.
Your customary table, I presume, hmm? Splendid.
Here you go.
(sighs) come on, buddy.
Well, isn't this civilized? Beat it, Eddie.
There's none for you.
Do you feel a draft, Mr.
B? I'm just a little bit cold.
There we are.
That's better.
Ooh, that's still a little too hot.
You know what? While we're letting that cool, why don't we find a home for our antique.
There we are.
Yes.
You know, you don't find one of these very easily.
Especially in such good condition.
Won't that covetous Niles be m when he sees it, hmm? But he can't have it, can he? No.
Yes, he can't have it, can he? No, no Dear God, I'm Aunt Shirley .
(cat shrieks) get that number.
Mrs.
gablyczyck these new shirts, did Mrs.
crane ask you to buy them for me? Because I already have shirts just like these.
No, no, after I wash, I pin them and wrap in plastic.
You not like? No, no (voice breaking); I like very much.
Thank you, mister.
(doorbell ringing) Oh No, I'll get it.
Hey, Dad, come on in.
Hi.
Daphne will be right down and we can go.
Where's Frasier? On a date.
get out! About time, huh? You know, it's like I was saying to Eddie-- this guy's got to get a life.
DAPHNE; Niles, I left $60 on the desk yesterday and now it's gone.
Is that proof enough for you? Are you sure you didn't misplace it? You know I didn't.
What's going on? Ever since we hired Mrs.
gablyczyck things have been disappearing-- liquor, money, linens.
So she's stealing from you.
Yes.
We don't know that.
And frankly, it's hard to believe that someone who'll go out in a rainstorm to clean pigeon muck from the solarium skylight is capable of theft.
We can't put up with stealing just because she's good at what she does.
First of all, she's not good at what she does.
She's brilliant.
She's an artist.
Tell you what-- you give me five minutes with her.
If she's hiding anything, I'll get it out of her.
Dad, we are not going to coerce a confession out of this woman based on circumstantial evidence.
(bell dings) Oven is clean.
Now I scrub down dishwasher.
Oh, Mrs.
gablyczyck, you dropped some money.
Thank you, mister.
All right, Dad, you've got five minutes.
FRASIER; We'd like your famous appetizer for two, please.
I'll let your waiter know.
Thank you very much.
So, Ann tell me everything.
Who is Ann Hodges? Wow.
Well, I'm an insurance claims adjuster.
That's what' s so funny.
When we met, you thought I was in sales, but I'm not.
Oh.
I'm in claims.
Well, you know, we don't have to have just shop talk.
What are your dreams? Oh, my God.
Well, my dream is to be aseniorclaims adjuster.
It's sort of the same, but you get a private cube and your own extension.
I would've got it last year but I paid a big claim the company didn't like.
I knew I goofed the second I did it.
It was just one of those "Shoot!" moments, you know, when you just say "Shoot!" Do you ever do that, make a big mistake and want to go back in time and just do something different? Oh, yes.
Well, I'm going to run to the ladies' room.
I just had to have that Dr.
Pepper while I was getting dressed.
good evening, sir.
Ah.
Would you care for something to drink? Yes, as a matter of fact, I would-- I'd like, uh, your finest bottle of Barolo, please.
Why don't you come back in a minute and see what the lady likes.
Doc? Hm? Hey, small world! Oh, Kenny, hi.
This is my cousin I was telling you about.
This is Dr.
crane.
Oh.
e, Hello.
Dr.
c ran I heard your show today-- it was great.
(chuckles); Well Is this your, uh, first time in Seattle? Yes, it is-- I'm a fine arts dealer, but I'm considering a curator position at the Seattle Art Museum.
That's impressive.
KENNY:Oh, that's nothing.
She teaches kids ballet, and she rock climbs, she plays the harp.
Oh, what am I doing? I haven't introduced you.
Dr.
Frasier crane, Liz Wright.
It's lovely to meet you.
.
.
Miss Wright.
(chuckles) Well, it's too bad you're not free tonight.
You could've joined us.
Well, how about tomorrow night? Oh, I'd love to, but I'm on a plane tonight to Amsterdam.
I have a job offer there as well.
I'm doing my best to convince her to pick Seattle, but it's tough when you're up against the Dutch.
Ah.
I could've really used your help there, Doc.
Yes, well, you know, I'm just about finished up here.
You know, we wouldn't want to interrupt your date.
Oh, it's not a date.
It's not a date.
It's just a little business thing.
I'll tell you what, I'll just wrap things up here and then I'll come and help yo wage the battle for Seattle.
(laughs) ; Okay.
That's great.
We'll see you soon.
Man, oh, man, that place was a madhouse.
I got so tired of waiting, I just decided to hold it.
I'm so glad yo u picked Italian.
I love macaroni.
Ah.
That's another thing w e have in common, I guess.
(chuckles) ; Well Uh, you know, Ann, uh, first dates are funny.
Uh, sometimes it takes a while for two people to click.
Sometimes you know right away, and, uh, I think when you do, you should just feel free You are so cute.
c lick.
(laughing) What? click, click-- the sound of us clicking.
Ann, um You don't know what a relief this is.
I've only had one date since my divorce.
Well, half a date.
The jerk actually called it off in the middle of dinner.
I was a wreck.
I didn't get out of bed for a week.
Or shave my legs.
Your appetizers.
Oh.
gosh, this is a feast.
I'm not sure we'll need to order a main course.
Well, this ain't gonna do it forme.
I'm starvin' like Marvin.
Mrs.
gablyczyck, we're friends here.
No one wants to send you to jail or back to your country.
We just need you to admit that you took the money.
I no take nothing.
Do you want to go to jail?! Do you want to go back to your country?! Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but I'm afraid we're going to have to show her the tape.
What tape? It's from the surveillance camera.
It shows you stealing.
(whispers) ; You have a camera? DAPHNE; You might as well confess.
I've got the evidence.
I want to see tape.
All right.
I'll give you one last chance to tell the truth, Mrs.
gablyczyck, because if we watch this tape, we'll have no choice but to call the police.
I see tape.
All right.
I'm putting the tape in.
Here I go.
I'm pressing play.
Now I'm switching the input from cable to video.
Niles, get ready to call the police.
?? .
.
(people singing on tape) ; ?? birthday, dear Dad Hey, that's me! Yes, I used an old tape of your birthday party, but the surveillance part's coming up.
Last chance, Mrs.
gablyczyck.
It's coming up Okay, I have to step in here All right, all right! I stole.
You did? I didn't think you know.
I bring it back.
(sighs) Well done, Daphne.
Oh, but I'm so disappointed.
I was really hoping you were wrong.
Hey, hey, did you see that? Watch this again.
What? You must have put the camera down when we went into the kitchen for ice cream.
Watch Daphne's mother.
My mother? She stayed behind to grab her sweater.
And our candlesticks.
And our This is plate I brought home.
so I take Mrs.
crane' leftover meat pie.
But I brought plate back.
Mrs.
gablyczyck we're so sorry.
We've made a terrible mistake.
We know now you didn't steal anything.
can you ever forgive us? Of course, mister.
You're nice man.
And you're nice lady.
Are you sure that' s all the little bunny wants to eat, just a little green salad? The bunny had a big Mexican lunch.
You know, if you're feeling full, then I'm sure they could wrap up the rest of that for you.
Oh, no, I'm just trying to pace myself so I'll have room for dessert.
I hear the souffl here is well worth the wait.
Excuse me.
I'd better get that.
That didn't even ring.
.
Yes, it did.
Hello? Oh Niles? Is there something wrong? Oh, dear God, well, you-you just stay there on the floor.
I'll be right there.
I'm so sorry.
Uh Is everything all right? Well, uh, actually, it's my brother.
He's thrown out his back again.
Oh, God, right in the middle of our magical evening, too.
check, please.
Thank you.
Uh, you know I guess I'm just going to have to put you in a cab.
I'm so sorry-- I was having such a lovely evening.
Well, maybe we could meet for coffee tomorrow.
Yes, um, all right, all right.
Ah, thank you very much.
Uh, yes, here, yeah, that's fine.
You just keep the change.
Uh, thank you.
Uh, shall we? You know, I'm just going to call a cab later.
There's no sense all this food going to waste.
You know what? I-I can't leave.
I can't.
It would be rude.
Oh, don't be silly.
go .
No, no.
It's it's not like he's going anywhere anyway.
(chuckling) Okay.
Well, uh, are you sure you're not hungry? You're welcome to try some of mine.
Well, now that you mention it, uh, I guess I would like to try it.
Yes, thank you.
Well, help yourself.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, well, where were we? Oh, that's right.
My husband.
Anyway, he says he doesn't love me He's bored, blah, blah , he's suffocating.
If only, I say.
I would have gotten a nice little settlement.
I mean, we were covered up the yin-yang.
He had a sweet whole-life policy that paid double for accidental death.
I borrowed against it to get my Hyundai.
Hey! Who's the ravioli monster? Roar.
You're worried about your brother, aren't you? Mm.
Maybe we should just go.
All right.
Once again, I've had such a lovely evening.
(Ann laughs) I hope I didn't talk your ear off.
I can still hear you, so no.
(chuckles) gosh, you know, uh I'm parked out back, so I'll just slip out through the kitchen.
I'm sure the valet can flag you a cab.
Oh.
Okay.
Well here we are-- the awkward part.
Oh, it's not awkward at all.
I'd be delighted to pay for your cab.
Here we are.
Bye-bye.
(chuckling); I I hope I'm not too late You know, I think I talked her into taking that Seattle job.
Oh, well, let me be the first to offer my congratulations to Seattle.
Thank you.
And please let me offer my services as, uh cultural attach?.
Well, I would love that.
I think this calls for a toast.
May I see your list of champagnes, please? Ann.
I thought you left our date to go take care of your brother.
Date? I-I thought you said you were just wrapping up a business meeting.
Is that why you ate all my raviolis? Because you were just trying to get rid of me? No, no, of-of course not.
Listen, there's a perfectly logical explanation for all this, which is I'm sorry.
I've-I've got to take that.
Hello? That didn't ring.
It's very soft.
FRASIER; Oh, gosh, Dad, that sounds serious.
You stay put.
I'll be right there.
(phone rings) Ow! That's loud! Oh, Doc, what are you doing? This is exactly like my other date! Kenny, I think I'd like to get to the airport a little early tonight.
But, Miss Wright I'll meet you out front.
Excuse me.
But, Liz This one hurts, Doc.
I had a souffl? coming.
.
I'm sorry, Ann I'm sorry, too.
Sorry for thinking you were different than all the other jerks out there.
But you're not.
You're just another selfish, dishonest creep.
You're right.
I don't know what to say Well, maybe you can come up with something before we have coffee tomorrow.
Are you seriously suggesting that What?! See you at 1 0:00? Okay.