Married with Children s11e05 Episode Script

Last time on Married with Children, there was a death in the family.
Clear! It's exactly what I feared, Mr.
Bundy.
The fuel pump.
Now, unfortunately, finding a donor pump will be nearly impossible.
There's a rumour that the fuel pump you need is in Cuba.
Cuba.
Sultry, seductive Cuba.
Unbelievable.
A collector in Düsseldorf will give us Oh, no, don't leave me alone.
Drive towards the light, old friend.
Drive towards the light.
Nice turnout, isn't it, Peg? Well, it's not every day the village idiot buries his car in the backyard.
I can't believe we're actually in mourning.
Well, I don't know about you, but over here it's 3:00 in the afternoon.
Marcy, you're here.
I'm touched.
Well, I'm just glad that eyesore is finally gone.
Now, if we can just find someplace to bury your house.
How about the same place I'm about to bury my foot? You know, Al, my Mercedes sends her sympathy.
She wanted to come, but the Bergmans' Volvo is having a bar mitzvah.
Al, we've had some great times in this car.
I think my favourite was the time we tried to run down my ex-wife.
She outran us, but the Dodge gave it her best shot.
Mrs.
Peg Bundy would now like to say a few words.
Thank you, Peg.
My husband is a moron.
Thank you.
That was beautiful, Mama, really.
See how you do when Oprah checks out.
Twenty-five years ago, a young man of endless promise was going places.
All he needed was a way to get there.
He found it on a used-car lot on Route 12.
And through the years, the journey had some unexpected turns and some unwanted passengers.
There are several kinds of love.
One kind of love begins with misplaced lust.
And degenerates into a raging hell of misery and despair.
But I digress.
Then there's the kind of love that only turns on when asked and performs beautifully.
The kind of love that makes you feel young when you go for a ride.
Farewell, my sweet chariot of youth.
Don't you think throwing dirt on the Dodge is a bit redundant? Why? Why? Why? Hi, Peg.
I'm gonna plant these on her grave.
You never bring me flowers.
I would if you died.
Hello? Oh, Gunther.
Look, I told you for the last time, I can't get you that engine.
Yeah, the dummkopf buried it in the backyard two days ago.
Ten thousand dollars? On Monday? Deal.
Oh, I gotta go.
Auf Wiener schnitzel.
Hey, I want a car that talks.
Look, this one knows 20 words.
That's 10 more than you, Kel.
That's not true, Bud Bundy, you stupid little pervert.
Dad, you should see some of these new cars in here.
Ghouls.
Can't you at least wait until the body is cold? Come on, Daddy.
Don't you think the Dodge would want you to be happy? Yeah, Dad.
I mean, she'd want you to get out there and see other cars.
Yeah, Al.
You know, if I died, I'd want you to remarry.
Yeah, like I'm gonna make that mistake twice.
Besides, we can't afford a new car.
Oh, that's not necessarily true, Dad.
I took liberty of giving your records to a financial advisor.
Now, Bud, you know I don't like people poking around into my private stuff.
Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard you say that.
Dad, don't worry.
I gave them to someone who has your best interest at heart.
Hi, everybody.
Well, Al, I've gone through your financial records and on behalf of the entire banking profession, let me just say: Well, I'm glad I was able to give your banking buddies a good laugh.
Not just bankers, Al.
Everybody down at the supermarket and the car wash even the homeless guy that lives on the corner.
Oh, that reminds me.
Sad Willie wanted you to have this.
But don't worry, Al, I've crunched the numbers and I think I've come up with the best means of transportation for you.
You missed me, you missed me I got you, I got you How dare she tell us what we can or cannot afford.
It is my God-given American right to rack up as much debt as possible.
Kids, to the auto mall.
Now, kids, stand back and watch the old man work.
You know, sales is the ultimate duel of wits.
Dad's dead.
Howdy.
I'm Cal.
Hi, Cal.
I'm Al.
Listen, Cal, before you start your dog-and-pony show you should know that I've been in ladies' shoes for well over 25 years.
Well, I'm wearing panties, so let's deal.
No, I meant that I sell ladies' shoes.
I was just pulling your leg.
Well, you're not gonna pull anything of mine.
Now, look, Cal, all I need here is basic transportation.
Oh, well, I got just the car for you.
The all-new '97 Kiwi.
Look, Bud, it's perfect for you and Mrs.
Thumb.
It gets great gas mileage.
Yeah, Dad, if you do run out of gas, just pick it up, take it home.
It's a lot roomier than it looks.
Cal, I'm starting to cramp up here.
Could you get me out of here? Oh, what was I thinking? A man of your strapping muscular physique in a Kiwi.
Hey, did you play pro ball? Well, I could have, but I had a career-ending accident.
- Knee? - Marriage.
No, but I played four years at Polk High.
"Touchdown" Bundy, they used to call me.
Polk High's Al Bundy? You, sir, were my idol.
And because of that, I'm gonna give you our red-carpet lease.
Now, Cal.
Now, wait a minute, now.
No, you're not gonna sucker me into no lease.
Oh, that's too bad because with a lease, you could afford the all new Testica 2000.
You know, with all due respect to the Dodge these brakes sure come in handy.
Yeah, it's nice not having to throw out the anchor.
And you can choose which way you're gonna turn.
Now, what do they call this fancy sound system? FM.
Man, I can't wait to hear what the chicks have to say when I pull up in this babe magnet.
Well, my guess would be: "Hey, look at that pathetic little dweeb driving his dad's car.
" Al, nice wheels.
But you have to realise, stealing cars is a felony.
So is pretending to be that kid on Home Improvement.
Hey, Mrs.
D'Arcy, it has seat warmers.
Really.
Feel my tush, it's warm.
I'll take a rain check.
Hey, you better grab it while you can.
It's her busy season.
No offence, Al but how can a shoe-selling moron afford a Testica 2000? Well, your Kentucky friedness I leased it.
Got a real good deal too.
For them.
You signed a 20-year lease with a balloon payment at the end.
Well, my pal Cal said that smart people lease.
Yeah, to stupid people.
Oh, she's just jealous, Daddy.
She wishes she had a shiny red testicle.
That's Testica.
So where's my keys to the car? I don't even like you having a key to the house.
Now, go on, get out of here.
You're using up all the new-car smell.
Alone at last.
Who would have thought a punk kid from the streets of Chicago would wind up with a beauty like you.
We're gonna live happily ever after.
Don't panic, kids.
Daddy bought a lime.
And he fathered a vegetable.
I think I can fix it, but I gotta look in the owner's manual.
Why don't you try looking under X, for exorcism? I bet you anything he forgot the seat warmers were stuck on broil.
Good night, Daddy.
Bud, help me.
I would, Dad, but you You told me to keep my hands off your Testica.
I've been working in the backyard All the livelong day Hey, Mom.
Oh, hi, kids.
What are you doing there, Mom? Sleep-shovelling.
Hey, we're not supposed to wake her up.
Yeah, I know what's going on here.
That dealer in Germany called and upped his offer for the engine, didn't he? Hey.
Now, either you cut us in or I'm gonna tell Mom.
- Dad.
- Him too.
You're blackmailing your own mother? Oh, kids, I'm so darn proud of you.
There's no way you're getting your grubby little mitts on my loot.
- Dad.
- Dad.
All right, all right.
Just get in here and start shovelling.
We've got 12 hours to get that engine to Germany.
Come on.
Damn seat warmers.
Now, folks, this is a perfect family car.
Put a roof rack on it and this little tyke can ride in style.
Excuse me, Cal, remember me? Al Bundy.
- Sorry, doesn't ring a bell.
- No Touchdown Bundy, you know, Polk High.
You said I was your idol.
You? Excuse me, sir, I'm with a customer.
Excuse me, Cal, but, see, you sold me a lemon.
Oh, that's impossible.
All the hair on my butt's burned off.
I'm telling you, the electrical system in that car's all messed up.
No problem, sir.
That's covered by the extended-warranty contract.
No, but see, I was too smart to buy the extended-warranty contract.
Oh, Al, you should have listened to Cal.
I did listen to you.
Now I've got a worthless Testica! - Calm down.
- I am calm.
But I'm demanding you look at my Testica.
If you don't calm yourself, you'll have to leave.
Well, I'm not leaving here empty-handed.
Oh, well, I wouldn't think of that.
Now, Cal, I'm telling you, if you don't give some satisfaction this is gonna be your panty-wearing head.
Jefferson, my old adversary.
Fidel, mi compadre.
Still with the CIA? No, no.
When I couldn't kill you, they fired me.
Oh, sorry.
But you still got the moves.
That's what the wife says.
You married the kid from Home Improvement? I guess I did.
Oh, well.
She's got money, she buys me things.
So did Russia, and look what that got us.
El presidente you still have a bunch of old American cars lying around the island? Thousands.
Damn trade embargo.
Damn Kennedy.
Damn Steve Allen.
What does Steve Allen got to do with trade embargo? Nothing.
I just hate him.
Listen, I've got a friend, his name's Al Bundy.
He's got an old Dodge and he needs a new fuel pump.
May I ask your people's help? What's in it for me? America's greatest export.
SnackWell's.
Oh, I've heard about these.
Comrades, mi familia, I need your help.
There is a man, Al Bundy is his name.
A poor man, a needy man.
Needier than us? Sí, he's middle-aged and sells shoes at the mall.
What is a mall? It's a large group of stores with an endless supply of affordable merchandise.
And a food court.
We want a mall! Now you see what you made me do? Fidel, I can't believe you could have somebody shot just by doing that.
Oh, no.
Dad's home.
Well, stall him.
Hey, Dad.
Damn Testica.
I miss the Dodge.
I think I'll go pay my respect.
No, Dad, Dad.
Let it go.
It's just a shell out there.
What's inside has gone up to heaven.
We got it.
We found your fuel pump.
You did? You're gonna bring the Dodge back to life? I'm a Dodge specialist, not a miracle worker, but I'll do all I can.
Dad, it's too late.
Just accept it.
Now, Mr.
Bundy, I need to get to the car as fast as possible.
Bud, Bud, get your mother and your sister.
Start digging.
Good work.
What is taking so long? I wish there was something I could do.
You could take me to the emergency room.
I'm seeing double.
Here, here, here, here.
Read a Big 'Uns.
Oh, four 'uns.
I can't believe I lost $10,000.
I thought you said it was 7.
Whatever.
Well, Mr.
Bundy, I did all I could.
- Now it's up to her to pull through.
- Can I see her? Of course, but she may not recognise you.
She's been through a lot, you realise.
Her appearance may shock you.
Doc, you see what I wake up to each morning.
Now, remember, she'll need plenty of garage rest and a low-octane diet.
Jefferson, no matter what happens I can never repay you for what you've done.
Just buy me a six-pack of beer.
Which part of "never repay" don't you understand? Mr.
Bundy, I'm sorry.
I failed you.
What do you mean, failed? She hasn't sounded this good since the day I bought her.
Why? Why? Why?! I'm so glad you're back.
And I just want you to know, I never loved that flashy red hussy.
Or the new car either.
Hey, Cal.
Your pal Al has a little present for you.