Big Bang Theory s11e06 Episode Script

1 Howie, slow down.
I can't.
I'm not allowed to eat for 12 hours before my surgery, and I only got two more minutes.
What surgery are you having? I'm stress eating.
My best friend's getting a vasectomy tomorrow.
And you're sad you won't be able to bear his child? Oh, my goodness.
If it's “vasectomy gone wrong” videos, he's seen them all.
Including the one of the guy who's sitting on what appears to be a cantaloupe but is not.
And I'm done.
They're going to start making Professor Proton's science show again.
BERNADETTE: I thought he passed away.
He did.
He was cremated, and his remains were put in a baking soda volcano.
AMY: Don't make jokes.
He meant a lot to Sheldon.
LEONARD: Oh, me, too.
I grew up watching his show.
He's one of the reasons I became a scientist.
Aw.
Thought you did it just to get girls.
Joke's on you.
It worked.
Have they found anyone to replace him? No, not yet, and it won't be easy.
Arthur Jeffries was an accomplished scientist.
Mm.
You know who'd make a great Professor Proton? Meryl Streep.
She's not a scientist.
Uh, then explain to me why she has chemistry with literally everyone.
It would be nice if they cast a woman.
Oh, you've already got Doctor Who and the Ghostbusters.
Leave us something.
Who do you think it should be? Well, it should be a scientist I respect.
You know, someone with a pleasing voice and symmetrical facial features.
Is he talking about himself? If he's talking, he's talking about himself.
I just know how much Professor Proton touched me as a child, and I feel that I owe it to him to try and touch as many children as possible.
You should put that on your audition tape.
Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! The Big Bang Theory 11x06 The Proton Regeneration You doing okay? No, I'm very nervous.
(man groaning) Where are you going? Gift shop.
There is no gift shop.
Sit down.
This was your idea.
So was having sex, and look where that got us.
This isn't a big deal.
Stop whining.
When you were in labor and I said that, you kicked me.
Howard Wolowitz? Want me to go with you? No.
I'll be fine.
Yeah, we got this.
Sit down! Wish me luck.
Other way, buster.
Okay, you ready? Yeah, almost.
I'm working on my facial expressions.
See, uh, I've got interested.
Hmm.
I've got very interested.
Hmm.
Enraged.
Why would you be enraged? Hmm.
Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.
Okay.
And rolling.
Hello.
I am theoretical physicist, Dr.
Sheldon Cooper, auditioning for the role of Professor Proton.
Now, excuse me while I get into character.
Hello.
I am Professor Proton.
And today, boys and girls, we're going to have fun with science.
Did you know you could calculate the mass of an electron using household items? It's true.
All you'll need is a pencil, some paper, dry ice, rubbing alcohol, and a spool of 50-micron-thick cobalt-60 wire.
And, remember, don't put it in your mouth, or instead of becoming a scientist, you'll become wildly radioactive.
Hang on.
I have a question.
Do you have any experiments that aren't life-threatening? Come on! That was a perfect take, and you ruined it.
Oh, look! Hey, I did need enraged.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Really hurts, huh? BERNADETTE: No.
He's just saying, “Ow can these prices be so low”.
It's gonna be okay.
A day or two of rest, and you'll be fine.
You know nothing about Jewish people.
(Halley crying over monitor) Um, let me go check on her.
Okay, uh, this is a bit awkward.
It says here that I need to check the area for redness and swelling.
You know what? It hurts so much, go ahead.
So you see, boys and girls, H, or helicity, is the natural variable to use relativistically and is defined as S dot P, divided by the magnitude of P.
So the next time someone on the playground tells you you can only use integral values for the matrix that determines the spin of the antiproton, you stop being friends with that kid, 'cause he's going nowhere.
Until next week, this is Professor Proton saying, That's “bye” in ASCII binary, or good-binary.
(laughing) (snorts) So, what do you think? AMY: Well, I already told him that I loved it, but if you found it confusing or dangerous or-- I don't know-- three to four times too long, now is the time to share.
I I don't know what to say.
Leonard, do you know what to say? Sheldon, uh, I thought it, uh It-it looked like you were having so much fun.
Hey! That's what you used to tell me to say to Penny after one of her terrible plays.
Hey! Hey! Well, what was wrong with it? You know, did you find it borderline psychotic? I mean, I liked that about it, but you guys discuss.
Do you remember when you were a kid and you'd watch Professor Proton? Of course.
Well, did he ever make you-- I don't know-- hate science and the people who do it? What are you saying? I-I just think it would be better if your contempt for children wasn't so much in the foreground.
Well, you want me to lie? Well, it's not lying-- it's acting.
Sheldon Cooper may not like kids, but Professor Proton loves them.
Interesting.
You know, I hadn't really thought of it that way.
It-It's similar to how I'm afraid of dogs, but my D&D character likes dogs, you know? But he's allergic, so he can't be around them.
Why don't we have a dog? Hey, you can always reshoot it.
Mm, I suppose.
And, you know, maybe I could even get some tips from someone who's acted professionally.
PENNY: Oh.
Sheldon, obviously, I'd be happy to help you out.
I don't know what to say.
Hey, Sheldon.
What's up? I need an acting coach.
Oh.
Would you give me Patrick Stewart's number? No.
Fine.
I guess you can do it.
(bell ringing) WOLOWITZ: Bernie? Where did you get a bell? App store.
(bell ringing) Fun.
Let me see.
(chuckles) When you catch me, you can have it back.
You want to lie down, watch a movie? I can't.
I got my 16-week checkup to get to, and then I'll pick up some Chinese for dinner.
I'll take Halley with me.
You-you sure you're not overdoing it? No, it's fine.
Great.
Then maybe, instead of Chinese, fire up the grill and throw on a couple of steaks? Kung pao chicken, please.
Oh, boy.
What? They cast the new Professor Proton.
Is it Sheldon? Not exactly.
SHELDON: Wheaton! It's Wil Wheaton.
BERNADETTE: Hi.
Hey.
How was the doctor? Good, but I have some news.
Don't say twins.
Don't say twins.
Don't say twins.
Don't say twins.
It's not twins.
Oh.
I mean, because I would have loved them both.
The doctor said I was overdoing it, so she put me on bed rest just to be safe.
Oh, no.
It may not look like it, but I'm running to you! (insects trilling, birds chirping) Hello, Arthur.
What-what part of “rest in peace” don't you understand? I suppose you're here because you heard the news? Sheldon, I'm a figment of your imagination.
I don't hear news.
You're a grumpy figment.
Look, they're remaking your show, and they cast Wil Wheaton as Professor Proton.
And the worst part is, he's not even a scientist.
No, the-the worst part is, I'm sitting on a moist log.
We have to stop this and protect your legacy.
What legacy? My-my last two seasons, I was on Sunday morning at 5:30.
We-we were beat by Davey and Goliath.
I can't believe you don't care.
Believe it.
Well, I care, a lot, and Wil Wheaton will rue the day he ever met me.
I think that's true of most people.
(light knocking) Hi, guys.
Wanted to check in and see how you two were doing.
We're okay.
Yeah, hanging out in bed with my wife, thawing out some frozen peas in my pants-- living the dream.
(Halley crying) Oh, I'll get her.
I thought Raj was helping you out.
No, he had to work.
Plus, he has a quota for the amount of Indian servant jokes he can tolerate, and, apparently, I filled it.
Well, you're I can get the baby.
No, Howie's got it.
He's fine.
Right, Howie? (strained): Never better.
Don't be silly.
I'll take the rest of the day off and watch Halley for you.
Or we can call Stuart.
I'm sure he could close up the store, hop on a bus, and be here in no time.
He does love the bus.
Okay, hang on.
Do you guys not trust me to take care of your baby? (chuckling): No.
No! No.
No.
So I-I guess no.
Wow.
It's not that we don't trust you-- it's just you don't seem like much of a baby person.
Hey, hey, hey, I can watch your stupid baby, okay? If she cries, I will pick her up.
If she's hungry, I'll give her a bottle.
And if she poops, I'll light some incense.
It would be a big help.
Okay.
Thank you.
Trust me, you guys have nothing to worry about.
You know, back in Nebraska, I raised all our baby pigs right until the day they were slaughtered.
So, unless your baby's made of breakfast meat, she's fine.
Would you ever get a vasectomy? Uh, in case you haven't noticed, Indians aren't too big on birth control.
There's probably, like, a million more of us since we started this conversation.
Ugh.
You okay? No.
No, all these comments online about Wil, they're nothing but supportive and kind.
Where's the mean, snarky Internet that shows up every time I get a haircut? You know that's us, right? Well, luckily, I got the number of the company who's trying to reboot the show, so I need you all to call and register your displeasure.
Sheldon, no one's gonna do that.
Not true.
I know of three calls they've received already: a-a Southern gentleman, um, a Cockney chimney sweep, and, uh, Mr.
T, hmm? Who-- spoiler alert-- pities the fool who tries to reboot that show.
What about tiresome lunatic with a bad haircut? Has he called yet? Come on.
How many times have we banded together to try to save a show that we loved? L-Let's shake things up and try to kill one.
Isn't the important thing that there's a show to get kids excited about science? Who cares about kids and what they like? This is about me and something I liked when-when I was a kid.
What if the reboot is great? That's even worse.
If-if I like it, I'll feel like I'm being disloyal to Arthur.
He was a mentor and a friend, and I won't toss him aside for some Hollywood pretty boy like Wil Wheaton.
It's hard to argue with him.
Because he makes no sense? Yeah.
This is actually kind of nice, you and me getting to spend a couple days in bed together.
Yeah.
Pretty soon, we're gonna have two crying babies in the house.
(sighs) I'm glad my balls hurt.
It's all their fault.
Well, let's just enjoy this quiet time while we still got it.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is really quiet.
You think Penny's doing okay? Penny, everything all right?! (footsteps approaching) Hey.
All good.
Dipped her pacifier in a little bourbon, she conked right out.
I hope you're joking.
Of course I'm joking.
I don't share my bourbon.
She's joking.
(chuckles) Definitely.
Probably.
Wil Wheaton.
Wil Wheaton.
This is Sheldon, by the way.
Hi, Sheldon.
Here, I found this pizza flyer in your fence.
Thank you.
Okay, now you owe me a favor.
Turn down the role of Professor Proton.
(chuckles) I don't think so.
You can't be Professor Proton.
You're not a scientist.
Well, I was never on a starship, but pretending I was bought me this house.
And if I'd pretended a little longer, it would have a swimming pool.
Some things shouldn't be rebooted.
Some things were perfect the way they were.
Like the walled city of York-- it was a delight.
But New York? Blech.
Did you ever consider that maybe Arthur would be happy to know that his show has outlived him? I doubt it.
He was kind of a mean old crank.
Sheldon, I promise that I will work my hardest to make this show great so that a whole new generation of kids will grow up and they will be able to say that Professor Proton was the reason they got into science.
Wow.
That was very persuasive.
Thanks.
But I won't be seduced by your acting skills nor your movie star charisma.
There's only one Professor Proton, and he had neither of those things.
I'll give you one more chance to bow out.
Or what? When we first met, we were enemies, but we worked through that and we became friends.
Do you really want to go back? Honestly, it doesn't feel very different.
I'm not leaving! All right, I'm gonna sic my dog on you.
You don't have a dog.
Yes, I do.
Ugh, I can't tell if you're lying-- you're such a good actor! Hey, how you doing? What are you doing here? Oh, I just came by, you know, to see if you need any help.
Howard and Bernadette asked you to check up on me.
That is not entirely true.
So did Leonard and everybody.
How irresponsible do you all think I am? We don't think you're irresponsible.
We think you're fun-loving.
That is just a nice word for “irresponsible.
” Hmm.
You might be more on the ball than we thought.
I'm getting a little hungry.
Want me to get it this time? That'd be great.
(bell ringing) This is fun.
And now you also get to see an annoyed blonde walk into the room.
What? Can you get us a little snack? You sure you don't want your spy to do it? What are you talking about? You really don't trust me? You had to have Amy stop by? We trust you.
Yeah.
You were a terrible waitress, and we still asked you to get us a snack.
(Halley crying) Excuse me while I go take care of your baby.
Then I'll bring you your snack, and you can insult me some more.
(crying continues) I don't know about you, but I am not eating whatever she brings us.
PENNY: Hey, Halley.
Aw, it's okay.
Auntie Penny's here.
Shh.
Let's get you changed.
Your mommy and daddy say they trust me, but they're full of the same stuff your diaper is.
(crying stops) Now I feel bad.
Well, she never really liked me.
It's kind of nice she hates you now, too.
Aw, but I'm here for you, and I would never let anything happen to you, because your Auntie Penny loves you so much.
HALLEY: Mama.
Was that her first word? Mama.
PENNY: Uh, no.
No, baby.
I'm not your mama.
Your mama's the nice lady we're gonna go see right now so I can rub this in her face.
Do you hear that, suckers? She called me Mama! (insects trilling, birds chirping) Hello, Arthur.
You-you know, we could we could also meet in-in a deli.
I'm sorry to say that I failed you.
I tried to stop Wil Wheaton being Professor Proton, but I couldn't.
See, now, that's-that's the kind of thing you could tell a fella over a pastrami sandwich.
Well, don't worry.
He's now on my enemies list forever.
He's totally cut off.
Interesting.
Can-can anyone sign-sign up for that list?