Cheers s11e07 Episode Script

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, everybody.
So, what's the latest? Frasier passed out about 3:00.
Aw! Poor guy.
Yeah.
For someone whose wife is leaving him, he seems awfully upset.
Oh, God! My head! Sam, uh coffee, please.
Oh, Carla, uh about last night I was in pretty bad shape, you know? I was drunk, and I was carrying on about Lilith.
And I have this half-memory of you dragging me into the office and cleaning me up, putting me on the couch, laying a blanket over me and-and and sitting with me until I fell asleep.
And, well, even in my drunken stupor, I wanted to thank you for your your unexpected kindness.
Thanks.
Glad to help.
Here's your coffee.
Thank you, Sam.
Geez! What time is it? You know, I could have sworn I had my Rolex on.
FRASIER: Hey, where's my class ring? (theme song begins) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Boy, I've never felt so low in my life.
Well, Doc, if it means anything to ya, I'm here for ya.
It doesn't, Cliff, but thanks.
Boy, Dr.
Sternin-Crane having an affair with another guy.
Mm, this reminds me of a terrible scandal we had back in Hanover.
Rocked the whole town to its core.
Mayor's wife ran off with old Mr.
Smithers.
Oh, that's not so scandalous, Woody.
Well, Mr.
Smithers was a goat.
W-Woody, why why don't you take a break? Again? Man, this day is flying! You know what the most painful thing about it is? I I didn't see it coming.
Lilith had an affair.
I had no idea.
Now she's leaving me and There were no signs.
Do you know what I mean, Sam? Sam? I'm sorry.
I'm still back on Mr.
Smithers.
Now, Doc, maybe there were signs, you were just too blind to see them.
Yeah, I mean, what with Lilith, uh spending every night late at work for the last six months.
You know, whenever the two of you were together, you were just bickering all the time.
And, worst of all, you know, you spend all your waking hours sitting in this bar.
Cliffy, I don't think he wants to No, Sam, you know, I want to hear this.
Maybe it's time somebody did splash the cold water of reality in my face.
On the other hand, at least I'm not a career-stagnant, middle-aged mama's boy with little or no sexual experience.
I know what you mean, Doc.
We have a few of those at work- very sad.
I can't believe she wants to leave me.
I really blew it.
Well, Fras, you know, marriage is a very tricky thing.
It takes a lot of work and sacrifice and compromise from both parties to keep it fresh and rewarding.
How can you say that? You work less at your marriage than anyone else in the world! I was hoping the irony would cheer you up.
Well, Doc, if you ask me, you're wasting your time sitting around here feeling sorry for yourself, when you should be out there trying to get her back.
How do you suggest I do that? Get off your butt and take charge.
Be a caveman.
A woman likes that.
Caveman? Trust me- Nick Tortelli now there was a caveman.
In fact, the next time you see one of those drawings of how man evolved from the ape, look real closely at that second guy.
Thanks for the idea, Carla, but I hardly think the primitive approach would work on a woman as sophisticated as Lilith.
Well, then why don't you try the romantic route? You know, take her up to the Cape for a romantic weekend and treat her the way you used to.
Oh, no, no, no- Come on, Sam, with that bush-wa.
You know, if you want to keep a woman in your life, nothing beats the old-fashioned fake heart attack.
I beg your pardon? She goes for the door, you go for your chest.
I mean, nobody can walk out on somebody who's having a coronary.
It's foolproof.
I learned it from Ma.
She uses that on you? Or I use it on her.
It depends who's trying to leave.
Frasier Well, look who's here.
I suppose this is the part where we fight over who gets to keep our friends.
No Then why are you here? To humiliate me again in public? Seems to be a theme you enjoy.
No, I was worried about you.
I brought you a shaving kit and some clean clothes.
You were worried about me? Then you're not leaving me? Oh, I'm still leaving you.
Frasier, this is so I'm sorry.
I think we should have this discussion in the office.
WOODY: Oh, no chance of that, Dr.
Sternin-Crane.
Sam's office is his inner sanctum.
The only person who gets to use Sam's office is Sam.
It's all right, Woody.
It's all right.
Oh, well, maybe if Kelly ever has an affair, I'll get to use your precious office.
Poor Fras, huh? What about Lilith? Huh? She's probably just trying to find herself.
Oh, come off it, Becs.
Nobody tries to find themselves anymore.
And, even when it was in style, it was just an excuse for middle-aged people to quit work, ride around on Harleys, and have sex with young people.
Oh, is that right, Miss Know-It-All? Well, it just so happens that my father once left for six months to find himself.
And when he came back, he was at peace with the world.
You could see it in his eyes the second he came roaring up the driveway.
Well, here we are.
Is this it? Should I, uh call a lawyer, initiate divorce proceedings? It's up to you.
You're the one making all the decisions, apparently.
Frasier, I do not want a divorce.
I want a trial separation.
Furthermore, I'm going to be gone for a while, so I need to know that Frederick is being taken care of in the best manner possible.
It would be irresponsible for me to take him from a comfortable and familiar home where he feels stable and secure.
Therefore, I would like you to have sole custody for the period of time that I'm gone.
Just like that? You're not only walking out on me, but on your own son as well.
Oh, Frasier, you think this is easy for me? It's not! Please just promise me you'll take care of my son! Wouldn't have it any other way.
Personally, I don't want him growing up in your swinging bachelorette pad, what with your love beads, your hi-fi and your Dave Brubeck albums! Frasier, if you can't get into the '90s, at least move into the '60s.
Well, then where are you going to live? All right, let me guess.
Don't tell me! You're going to move in with your boyfriend, Dr.
Pascal! That's right, Frasier, I am.
What's so great about this Pascal guy anyway, huh? I mean, the man is obviously a crackpot.
All he's noted for is inventing this ridiculous bubble underground.
It's called an Eco-pod, Frasier.
A self-contained subterranean environment which will serve as a prototype for an eventual space station.
Similar to the Biosphere, only on a much more ambitious scale.
To be inhabited by moles and gophers, no doubt.
Yes, it will house a variety of animal species.
And, for the first year, two human subjects as well.
Oh, really? And where in the world do you expect to find Oh, no! Yes, Frasier, I'm off to live in the Eco-pod.
Oh, no! It's a noble experiment.
I'm a pioneer.
The research we are going to do is going to aid all of humanity.
This is the stupidest day I've ever had.
It's anything but stupid, Frasier.
Dr.
Pascal is a visionary.
I'm proud to be associated with him as we chart the future.
Oh, this will be a big hit on the cocktail party circuit.
"Say, Fras, where's your lovely wife this evening?" "Well, Bob, she's underneath the Earth's crust with her boyfriend.
" "What's new with you?" I refuse to discuss this any further.
You're being irrational.
No, wait, Lilith, wait.
Don't go, please.
Look, I I'm sorry.
Please help me to understand why you're doing this.
Well, Frasier ever since I was a little girl, I've led a very disciplined, regimented life.
But in the back of my mind, I always had this nagging feeling that something was missing.
I tried to fill the void with achievements scientific awards, marriage to a prominent man.
But deep down inside, I still felt empty.
Then along came Googie.
Googie? Dr.
Pascal.
He's a free thinker.
A radical.
I never know what he's going to do next.
And when I'm with him, I don't know what I'm going to do next.
That's new for me, Frasier.
I like it.
I hope you understand.
(sighing): I suppose I do.
You know, maybe I haven't always listened.
Maybe I haven't always known the right thing to say or do.
Just one thing I want you to know.
I wish you the very best.
I adore you, and I always will.
Thank you.
Take good care of Frederick.
And yourself.
Good-bye, Frasier.
Good-bye, my love.
(gasping) Oh! Oh, my God! I'm having a heart attack! Well, maybe not.
I'm going now.
I'd like to leave a parting word.
I want you to know that what I'm doing is very difficult.
It is not to hurt Frasier.
It's to acknowledge the fact that I'm changing.
No one can go living year in and year out without ever changing.
It's impossible.
Or at least it's very rare.
Well, I'm off.
I don't know what the future holds.
Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential.
To acquire things the old Lilith never had.
Like a body temperature? That's very good, Carla.
Incidentally, I've taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.
God! That felt good.
Well that was just plain rude.
Oh, hey, Fras.
How you doing, huh? Come on, talk to us- we're your friends.
Say something to him, will ya? Like what? I don't know, somethin' positive.
Something to cheer him up.
Frasier, say, have you lost weight? What? That would cheer me up.
I appreciate your concern, everyone, and you can stop worrying.
You see, I know exactly how this is gonna go.
After the shock wears off, there will be some initial pain followed by resentment and depression, and a lasting sense of insecurity, as I ping-pong blame between Lilith and myself.
Throughout this process, all I have to do is keep telling myself that everything is going to be okay.
Well, the shock seems to be wearing off.
Here comes the pain.
Oh, boy.
Oh, mama, that's a big one! Frasier, can we do anything for ya? Oh, no, Sam, no.
If anyone has the inner resources to deal with this, it's Dr.
Frasier Crane.
Trust me.
I know exactly how to handle this.
I'm gonna jump, Lilith! OFFICER (over bullhorn): Attention, this is the police.
Do not jump.
I repeat, do not jump.
Whatever your problem is, we can solve it.
Just go back inside.
I swear to God I'm gonna jump! Where's that shrink we use in cases like this? You mean Frasier Crane? He's not answering his pager.
Yeah, remind me to put this in my report.
That man'll never work in this town again.
Hey, you have your whole life ahead of ya.
Anything good on? Yeah, we got, uh, Oprah, we got, uh Quincy Home Shopping Network we got a guy on a ledge we got Barnaby Jones Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Normie! Normie, go back, quick.
Go back, go back, go back- yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God! Hey, that's that Quincy where they buried the wrong guy! SAM: Hey, Normie, go back to that guy-on-the-ledge stuff.
Hey, that's just right outside.
No wonder all these people are in here.
I wonder who the poor sap is.
OFFICER: Go back inside.
FRASIER: I swear to God I'm gonna jump! Oh, my God! Wait, wait, wait.
Sam, uh, you find Lilith, and Carla and I'll go up and find Frasier.
Come on, come on, Norm, I'm going up there, too.
Normie, come on, will ya? A buddy of ours is on the ledge.
He's about to jump to his death- let's go! Geez, you're right- I better go move my car.
Aw Frasier? Hey, uh, I'll take it.
I'm a friend of his- I think I can help.
I've operated these before, sir.
It's all right.
Frasier, it's me- your friend, Cliff Clavin.
Now pitching for Boston Hey, come on, would ya? All right.
Just kidding, just kidding.
Uh, Fras look, buddy, uh, don't think I don't know how you feel.
Uh, it's not like I haven't been there myself, you know, standing high above the city with the wind blowing through your hair, praying this time you'll have the guts to do it.
Give me that! Frasier, Frasier, don't listen to him, man.
So it didn't work out with Lilith.
You know? What's the big deal? That's okay.
What about your friends? What about me? I care for ya.
Hell, I love ya, man! CROWD: Aw Yeah, I said it.
Look, a guy can love another guy without being the kind of guy who loves other guys.
You knew what I was saying, didn't you, Fras? You didn't think that I meant the other thing, did ya? Hold on a second, Fras.
Take that.
Talk to him.
No, it's all right.
I'm his wife.
Don't aggravate him.
I'm the reason he's up there.
He's very unstable.
Frasier, you're making a big fool of yourself.
Don't leave me, Lilith! It's too late, Frasier- I've made up my mind.
I'm gonna jump! Lie to him- tell him you'll go back with him.
Tell him to go inside.
I can't lie to you, Frasier.
It's over.
(crowd murmurs) Come on, lady! What were we supposed to do, go on living the charade? Sure, we had an amazing sex life, but a relationship is more than that.
I felt the confines of our marriage were not allowing me to grow.
Surely some of you women know what I'm talking about.
VARIOUS WOMEN: Right on! Right on! Yay! Why don't you tell them about your affair?! (crowd groans) Well, I was in a very vulnerable state, and Frasier, this is ridiculous.
I'm coming upstairs.
Fras, a-about what I was saying earlier.
You know, there are all kinds of different kinds of love.
(gasps): Frasier! You stay back! Okay, okay.
Rebecca, I found him! Frasier Don't come near me! I-I won't come near you, Frasier.
Please, please, just step inside.
Oh, Rebecca, go back to Cheers and leave me alone.
No, Frasier, we're your friends.
Don't jump- you have lots of friends who care about you.
NORM (over bullhorn): Frasier, listen to me- this is Norm Peterson.
I want you to listen very carefully.
You left about a half a mug of beer on the bar.
You don't suppose that I could, maybe Help yourself! Thank you.
Frasier Lilith, don't come near me- I swear I'll jump! Would you excuse us, please? I'd like to speak with my husband.
Okay But before I go, I want to say one thing.
Go ahead and jump, you coward! Take the easy way out! Go ahead and end it all! (whispers): Wow, that was reverse psychology, right? What's reverse psychology? Frasier I refuse to indulge in this little game of emotional blackmail any longer.
You and I both know you have no intention of jumping.
I know you better than that.
No, you don't, Lilith.
I'm gonna jump, because I can't go on living knowing that you love someone else.
Very well, Frasier.
You win.
I won't leave you.
Really? Really.
Now, come inside.
You mean, you're not just saying that? No, I'm not just saying it.
I won't leave you.
I may be unhappy for the rest of my days, but I will honour my obligations as your wife.
Baby, you're the greatest! (sighs) Oh, go on, Lilith get out of here.
What do you mean? I can't be happy knowing that you're not.
(window sliding closed) (sighs) Thank you, Frasier.
Well, thank you for getting me off the ledge.
I was gonna pretend to faint and fall back in, but this worked a lot better.
How you doing? Oh, I'll be okay, Sam.
Thanks.
You want anything, you let me know.
Well, you know, there is, uh, one thing.
Could you, uh, take the bullhorn away from Cliff and Norm? CLIFF (on bullhorn): All right, McGerk, you'll never take me alive! Ha-ha! Come on, come on, it's my turn! Come on! Attention, K-Mart shoppers! Attention, K-Mart shoppers! Whoa, whoa! Guys, guys, whoa.
Hey, come on! Frasier, I just wanted to say good-bye.
Dr.
Pascal and I are leaving for the desert tonight.
Are you all right? No but I will be.
I said good-bye to Frederick this afternoon.
He loves the thought of Mommy going off to live in a big bubble.
I'm sure this will be a special memory for him that he will relive over and over again in the years of his psychoanalysis.
(door opens) Lilith, you ready? Googie, I thought you were going to wait outside.
Before we leave there's something I have to say to your husband.
Uh I-I-I know this is an awkward moment, Doctor, but I have to tell you.
I was pulling up in front of the bar just now, and I seem to have dinged your BMW.
Oh.
Of course you did.
Well, we're off.
We've got to be going.
Good-bye, Frasier.
Good-bye, Lilith.
Oh, there's just there's something I'd like to say.
I know you've got a rough year ahead of you.
You're in for some rocky times.
I-I'm sure you'll experience some very painful moments, and when you do, I'd like you to feel free to call on me for sympathy and understanding.
Thank you, Frasier.
I was talking to Googie.