Big Bang Theory s11e08 Episode Script

1 Can we start the movie? Before Sheldon gets here? Last time we did that, he didn't talk to us for a month.
So do it! Hold on.
Where is he? Well, according to his text, he was on the second floor, then he stopped to tie his shoe.
(phone chimes) All tied, and Hello! Hi.
Sorry we're late.
Amy took forever tying my shoe.
KOOTHRAPPALI: All right! Who's excited to see a documentary? Oh, I know this one.
Nobody ever.
Hey! This one's going to be great.
This is about the rivalry between a cool renegade scientist, Nikola Tesla, and his arch-nemesis, Thomas Edison.
It's the greatest scientific feud of all time.
I mean, you can forget about Leibniz and Newton.
Done.
So, Tesla's the one that invented the electric car? (laughter) SHELDON: No, Penny.
No, the car is just named after him.
Okay, you don't have to be so smug about it.
You know, you went to see that movie It because you thought it was about scary I.
T.
guys.
Tesla was a genius who invented our electrical grid.
Edison just wanted to get rich and famous.
Didn't he invent the lightbulb? That's what he wants you to think.
But without the foundational work of Ebenezer Kinnersley, Warren de la Rue and James Bowman Lindsay, you wouldn't know Edison any more than you know Ebenezer Kinnersley, Warren de la Rue or James Bowman Lindsay.
Isn't he sexy all fired up? He really gets my current alternating, if you know what I mean.
Edison was kind of a publicity hog and a bully.
Yeah, he electrocuted an elephant named Topsy just to make himself famous.
If I had an elephant named Topsy, he would want for nothing.
Also, he'd be named Jumbo.
And worse than that, Edison filmed the first on-screen kiss, so he's basically a pornographer.
Although every time I put that in Wikipedia, someone takes it out.
Is your current still alternating? We're lucky there aren't any elephants in here.
Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! The Big Bang Theory 11x08 The Tesla Recoil You know, that documentary last night was actually better than I thought it would be.
Really? Should've been about Samuel Morse the way they telegraphed that ending.
I already pretended to laugh at that joke once.
Do I have to do it again? Yeah, I'd appreciate it.
(chuckles) (forced laugh): Samuel Morse.
You kill me.
Leonard, can you drive me to work? Yeah, sure.
Oh, hey, the guys and I were talking about going to see the Tesla coil at the observatory later on, if you want to join.
Oh, I'm sorry, I can't.
I'm busy.
Why? What are you doing? Leonard, what are you doing? He said he can't go.
Make a sad face, move on.
It's fine.
I couldn't tell you even if I wanted to.
What does that mean? Leonard! Sad face, sad face.
I mean, I would like to, but I just can't, you know, because it's classified and top secret.
Hold on, are you still working for the military? I'm so glad you figured that out! It was killing me keeping it a secret! I thought they fired you guys.
They did, but then they hired me back.
Well, you better not be working on our project, because we're a team.
Leonard, there is no "I" in team.
However, there is an "I" in "I'm working with the military and you're not.
" There's five of them, in fact.
(knock on door) Hey, hey.
I got a big surprise for you.
Is it pie and ice cream? (chuckles) Wow, did I oversell it.
It's Raj and Ruchi! Hello.
Hey.
Hi.
Hey, what are you two doing here? RUCHI: We won't stay long.
I just wanted to drop something off from me and the girls at work.
None of the girls at work like me enough to get me a gift.
Okay, so you'll know why everyone at the office has the same handwriting.
I really appreciate the thought, but it's not necessary.
I'll be back soon.
Don't worry about work.
You take all the time you need.
Yeah, just turn off your brain and let your uterus do its magic.
It's the star of the show now.
Okay, wasn't sure how long I should let you guys stay.
Now I know! Get out! Good to see you.
You look amazing.
Thanks for coming! (door closes) That bitch.
Oh, come on, he means well.
He's just trying to impress his girlfriend.
I'm talking about Ruchi.
She's after my job.
Why do you think she said, "Take all the time you need"? Because she was being nice? No, she's trying to steal my projects while I'm at home taking care of this useless plant and my dumb family.
I'm only saying this because I love you and because you can't reach me from that bed, but you sound a little crazy.
I love you, too, but I could fling this card in your eye like a ninja throwing star.
I don't believe you.
Why would the military want Sheldon? I don't know.
Target practice? Well, he better not be working on our guidance system.
That was my idea.
Why don't we call Colonel Williams and find out what's going on.
Great.
I want answers and he'd better give them to us.
(line ringing) Hello, gentlemen.
Hi, sir.
Um, Leonard has a question.
Hey, is Sheldon working on our project again? Did he say that? No, he wouldn't tell us.
Huh.
So he can keep his mouth shut.
How do I get him to do that? Is he working on our guidance system or not? Dr.
Cooper contacted us with an idea on how to modify your technology into a communication system, and it seemed interesting.
But our team developed that technology.
And he was your team leader.
Well, who said he was team leader? He did.
And I like that kind of "take charge" attitude.
We can have "take charge" attitudes.
Then why didn't either of you ask to be team leader? We didn't want to step on anyone's toes.
WOLOWITZ: Yeah, so we were just waiting for you to tell us who you thought-- Okay, I hear it.
Are we done? LEONARD: No, no.
I am taking charge right now and telling you that it is not okay with us if (call disconnects) Okay, bye.
Hey.
I just got your text.
Everything okay? Yeah, there's just something I need to ask you.
(gasps) Oh, Bernie, I'd be thrilled.
It's not be my birth coach.
Okay, that hurts, but luckily I know how to breathe through it.
(breathing sharply) I need you to find out if Ruchi's trying to steal my projects at work while I'm on bed rest.
She's not that kind of a person.
She's-she's generous and charitable.
You're just saying that 'cause she's sleeping with you.
Yes, that's my favorite charity.
I know I sound paranoid, but I'm feeling really vulnerable.
If there's anything you could find out, it'd be great.
And if she is up to anything, what are you gonna do? Nothing.
I'll just calmly talk to her and explain there are certain boundaries that need to be respected.
It's really for the benefit of everyone at the company.
Uh, okay, what you're saying sounds nice, but the way you're saying it is causing my testicles to take cover in my abdomen.
What do you want to watch? Oh, why don't you pick.
Okay, how about comedy? Eh, I already laughed today.
I know.
It was when I stubbed my toe.
(chuckles) Still funny.
Drama? Nah, I've already seen someone cry today.
It really hurt, Sheldon! (knock on door) Hey.
We talked to Colonel Williams.
He told us everything.
I'm sorry, can we do this another time? Amy's just about to realize she wants to watch a Hulk marathon.
What's going on? Sheldon went to the Air Force behind our backs.
I did nothing of the sort.
I had an idea for a neutrino-based communication system, I presented it to them, and they were interested.
But y-your communication system was based on our guidance system.
And sonar is based on bats.
You don't see them hanging upside down in a patent attorney's office.
You know what, you like to think that you're just like Tesla, but the truth is you're exactly like Edison.
You take that back.
No, he's right.
You are a bully, a credit hog and a self-promoter.
And if anyone around here is like Tesla, it's us.
Yeah.
Can you believe they said I was just like Edison? Yeah, and in front of a lady, no less.
Well, you are building on their work and taking the credit for it.
That's a classic Edison move.
Oh, yeah? Well, if I'm Edison and you love me, then what does that say about you? I honestly don't know.
Okay.
Well, I have to Google some stuff about Mrs.
Edison.
I'll be right back.
You know whose fault this is? I do.
Yours.
No, my mother's.
"Go make friends, Sheldon.
" What happens? 20 years later, they call me names.
I don't think what they called you is the point here.
Oh, yeah? How would you feel if I called you the name of a neuroscientist you didn't like? Do you know the name of any neuroscientist? Of course.
Not me? Then no.
Do you think they're right, Amy? (stammers) Do you think I'm like Edison? Sheldon, I don't think you're upset because of what kind of scientist they said you're like.
I think you're upset because your friend'' feelings got hurt.
You're right.
I care too much about other people's feelings.
It's always been my fatal flaw.
Sheldon, I don't think No, no, not now, Amy.
I'm growing as a person.
Ah, that was fun.
Put her there, buddy.
I am not fist bumping you after we have sex.
You're the one who wanted to keep things casual.
There's a difference between casual and weird.
Not the way I do it.
So, um how was, how was your day? Like, how's-how's work? Oh, great.
With Bernadette gone, I'm getting to handle all her projects.
Well, she's-she's not gone.
She'll be back soon.
Not too soon, let's hope.
So it turns out Ruchi is totally trying to take over Bernadette's projects.
Wow, she just told you that out of the blue? Yeah, yeah, we had just made love.
It was so beautiful.
Our caramel-colored bodies were entwined like erotic taffy Get to the point! Oh.
Uh, sorry, uh, yeah.
I-I asked her about work, and she just admitted she has her eyes on Bernadette's projects.
Can't believe she would take advantage of a pregnant lady like that.
So what did you do? What do you think I did? I made small talk for 20 minutes and had sex again.
You have to say something to Bernie.
I don't know.
If I do that, she's gonna confront Ruchi, and then Ruchi's gonna stop sleeping with me.
Raj, you can't go on sleeping with a woman who's trying to screw over your friend.
Can't or must? You know, that guidance system was my idea.
You figured out how to make it work.
We didn't even need Sheldon.
Let's not forget your idea was based on my theory.
Hey, we're bagging on Sheldon here! Focus! I guess it was pretty smart using our quantum technology as the basis for a communication system.
Be even better if he swapped out the helium for xenon.
Ooh.
So instead of having to keep it at negative 271 degrees, you'd only have to keep it at negative 108.
It would be way more efficient.
And xenon has a bigger nucleus, so coherence would make it an easier signal to see.
You're brilliant! We should tell Sheldon.
You're an idiot! We don't tell Sheldon.
We go to the military behind his back and we screw him like he screwed us.
All right, you're right, you're right, we don't need him.
We can do this all on our own.
Do you think you can do the math? No.
But if someone else does it, I can double check the crap out of it.
I want you to know, I did what you asked.
I talked to Ruchi and found out what's going on at work.
So is she trying to steal my projects? No, not trying to, sounds like it's a done deal.
Here, have a brownie.
I'm gonna kill her.
Okay, don't take this out on Ruchi.
Is she trying to take your job? Yes.
Is she parking in your space? Yes.
Did she get a laugh at a meeting yesterday by calling you "Pregnadette"? Big one.
But you would've done the exact same thing, and you know it.
I never would've undermined a coworker.
What? Oh, please.
Wh-What about that guy Eric, who you told it was "Bring Your Cat to Work Day" when you knew your boss had asthma? That was just a hilarious prank that ended with me getting a corner office.
All I'm saying is before you attack Ruchi, maybe you should take a long hard look in the mirror, because you know what you'll see-- apart from radiant skin and luxuriously thick hair? Hypocrisy! It is thick.
So what do you think? Can you make it work? Uh, I just need to use the cross section to calculate the probability of the interaction.
Can we help? Yes.
Why don't you run get me a can of Pringles.
Leonard, I was-- What's Kripke doing here? Oh, he's just helping us develop a better, more efficient neutrino comm system that we're gonna pitch to the military, making yours obsolete.
WOLOWITZ: Yeah, Leonard thought of it.
It's genius.
Oh, thanks.
You see, instead of using liquid helium Good God, man, shut up! Right, sorry.
KRIPKE: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You didn't tell me we were doing this just to stick it to Sheldon.
Oh, well I messing with you.
This sundae just got a cherry on top! Fine.
Good luck to you.
The military is already interested in my system, and my math is worked out.
His still has a big gap in it.
Where? There.
- - Can I ask you a question? Mm? Does a drug still count as an antidepressant if its number one side effect is uncontrollable weeping? I don't know.
I always feel better after a good cry.
I've been trying to ask Bernadette, but she's not answering any of my texts.
Yeah, uh, listen, I think she might be a little threatened by you, you know, because you can tie your own shoes and laugh without peeing.
Did she say something to you? No.
I mean, well, kind of.
But it's okay.
She's just hormonal.
And, you know, don't worry, I stood up for you.
I don't need you to stand up for me.
You're not my boyfriend.
Look, I care about you, and you can say that this doesn't mean anything, but the truth is we're in a relationship, okay? And you're gonna have to figure out some way to deal with it.
I can't believe she dumped me.
This is tough for me, 'cause I can.
Sorry things worked out like that.
Because I'm in pain or because you don't have a spy anymore? Let's just leave it at "I'm sorry.
" You're already sad.
Based on Kripke's calculations, I think this is gonna work.
Maybe we should pitch it to Colonel Williams today.
Why limit ourselves to the U.
S.
military? I bet there's a lot of other places we could take this.
Without committing criminal espionage? You know, it's easy to shoot an idea down, Leonard.
Well, I suppose congratulations are in order.
You set out to destroy me, and you achieved your goal.
What are you talking about? The military canceled my project, because they're going with yours.
That's impossible.
We haven't even pitched it yet.
Well, Colonel Williams said another team at Caltech came up with a more efficient neutrino comm system.
Damn it! Excuse us.
Kripke.
What's up, fellas? Did you screw us over? Ooh, I can't tell you that.
It's classified.
Why did you tell Barry Kripke your idea? This is all your fault.
No, it's your fault.
If you would've come to us in the beginning, none of this would've happened.
Well, if it helps, you all behaved terribly and you deserve what you got.
Well, that doesn't help at all.
You know, sometimes your social skills are very poor.
Can't believe we let Kripke use us like that.
You know, maybe you're all more like the guy who didn't invent the electric car and less like the guy who didn't invent the lightbulb.
She's right.
Maybe we're all a bunch of Teslas after all.
Didn't Tesla die penniless, forgotten and insane? (sighs) You may have a point about her social skills.
He wasn't insane.
He did fall in love with a pigeon.
Well, if we're gonna call Tesla crazy for loving something small and unappealing, might as well put Penny in a padded cell right now.