Frasier s11e08 Episode Script

What's got Daphne all worked up now? It wasn't Daphne.
It was Maris.
She's gotten involved with some Argentine polo player.
It turns out he's a gold digger with a violent temper to boot.
Dr.
Crane? Yes? I'm Esteban di Rojo.
I tell you, Maris will never come between us again.
MAN: And now, news headlines.
Police have just arrested Seattle socialite Maris Crane for the murder of her lover, polo star Esteban di Rojo.
Oh, come in.
Niles.
What have you heard? Not much.
The TV news is still pretty sketchy.
Dad, did you find anything out? I called some buddies at the station.
They'll call back when they know something.
DAPHNE: It's just so freaky.
I can't believe that man is dead.
He was standing right where you are just a few hours ago.
How you holding up, son? As well as can be expected.
I meant your brother.
Oh, well, I'm-I'm stunned, of course.
The idea that-that Maris actually killed someone Well, we've all seen her murder many a lively dinner party.
That's terrible.
Frasier.
Oh, come on.
I'm joking, and haven't I earned a right to my gallows humor? After all, are you forgetting that just this afternoon I was punched in the face by a man now dead? Thank you.
Here, drink this.
Oh, thanks.
(phone ringing) NILES: Hello.
This is he.
Yes, of course.
Uh, I'll be there shortly.
It's the police.
They want to talk to me.
My God, why? They don't suspect you of anything, do they? I don't think so.
I don't think they could.
They couldn't, could they? Dad ? .
Calm down.
You had lunch with her today.
They just want to know what you talked about.
What did we talk about? What did we talk about? Uh, let's see.
Well We-we discussed the upcoming women's arts festival and their tableaux vivant.
They're going to be re-enactin Schmitt's painting of "The Martyrdom of St.
Ursula by Attila the Hun.
" Naturally, Maris will pose as the Hun.
Ah.
A tad dramatic for my taste, but nonetheless, I told her I'd help out by lending her my antique crossbow to help complete the tragic scene on the Rhone.
Of course, talk of the Rhone inevitably led to that wonderful anecdote about the Nazarene painters of Biddlespock Palace.
(guffaws) : Those beer-loving rascals.
Tell it, Niles.
No! What did she say about the polo guy? Well, I-I told you, she-she mentioned she felt unsafe around him and that she thought he only wanted her for her money, and I urged her to end the relationship.
Well, that's pretty tame stuff It'll take more than a little lunch to tie you into a murder.
Oh, dear.
Niles, they're in front of Maris' house now.
startling new development in the society murder case.
Sources say alleged murderer Maris Crane killed her polo - playing lover, Esteban di Rojo, with an antique crossbow.
You gave her the murder weapon.
(telephone ringing) Hello? It's a reporter.
I'm not here.
I'm sorry, he's not here and I don't know when he's coming back.
I'd rather not say.
I'd rather not say! Oh, thank you.
Manchester, actually.
Hang up.
Good-bye.
NILES: I don't believe this.
It's an unlisted number.
They must think I'm involved somehow.
Th-they're actually trying to imply that (gasping) No, no, no, I'm not going to panic.
The only way to get through this is to remain calm.
Right.
Now, let's go on down to the station and get this all sorted out.
I'm coming, too.
No.
You have to rest up for our doctor's appointment tomorrow morning.
I'll stay with Daphne.
NILES: Don't worry.
Everything is going to be fine.
(telephone ringing) You know, that's going to go on all night.
You want to just stay at my place? Thanks, but if I let them drive me out of me own home, then they've won.
(phone ringing) Allow me.
Hello? I see.
Yes, I'll tell her.
Your mother heard the news.
She's on her way over.
Well, we survived.
The kid held up.
What took you all night? Oh, there was a lot of waiting.
Here, let me take your jacket.
Thank you.
Fortunately, we found a nice, cold metal bench between two drunk bikers and a pimp who called me Peaches.
Yeah, and the interesting thing happened when we were leaving.
We ran into Maris' lawyer on the way out.
And he told us the whole story.
Apparently Maris and Esteban had a fight, and Maris kicked him out.
She was trying to calm herself by practicing her tableaux vivant pose with the with the crossbow, which she needs all the practice she can get.
She has terribly weak triceps.
Well, all of a sudden, Esteban burst back in through the balcony window.
Maris was-was startled to death and pulled the trigger in self-defense.
He was dead before he hit the parquet.
So where is she now? They're holding her as a flight risk.
Can you imagine? Well, it didn't help that when they found her she had a passport, a wig and $ 10, 000 in her purse.
Maris always has those things in her purse.
Well, you've got to admit, Niles, it doesn't look very good.
I can't believe she could have planned this.
You do learn something about a woman when you've slept in the room next to hers for 1 5 years.
(thump) Oh, that must be the paper.
So she just happened to be posing with a loaded crossbow the exact moment he burst in on her? And don't you just know the prosecutor is going to try to twist that into something sinister? FRASIER: Oh, dear.
It's on the front page.
They don't mention Niles, do they? Let me see Ah, here we are, yes, uh, "Maris Crane is believed "to have gotten the crossbow from her ex-husband, "Dr.
Niles Crane, with whom she lunched on the day of the murder.
" Is that you and Maris on your honeymoon? Uh, that is the experimental liposuction center in Gestaad.
So, yes.
"According to sources, Crane divorced the accused "some years ago to marry her plastic surgeon "whom he left in order to marry " Oh, dear.
"To marry Daphne Moon, a housekeeper.
" Oh, that's just lovely.
Now, now, now, now.
The press is notorious for getting things wrong.
(chuckling) : Yes.
Niles is right.
For-for example, look.
Further on here, it-it says, (chuckles) "Dr.
Crane is the brother of local deejay Frazer-- with a 'Z'-- Crane.
" You just have to laugh these things off.
(laughing) Well, I can't laugh.
That horrible woman has managed to slither her way back into our lives.
No, she is not back in our life.
This whole thing is going to blow over in no time.
How can you be so calm? Well, in situations such as this, there are only two ways to react.
Either you go to pieces or you stay calm, and I've chosen to do the latter.
Bravo, Niles.
That's very healthy.
Yeah.
Well, better go home, son.
Get some sleep.
You've had a long night.
That is a good idea.
I'll call you later.
All right.
Thank you.
Oh.
We have your doctor' s appointment this morning.
Oh, don't worry, you don't have to come.
Oh? And miss hearing my baby's heartbeat? I don't think so.
Besides, I'll be fine.
Plenty of time to sleep after the baby's born.
ROZ: How you holding up? Apart from the lack of sleep, I'm all right, although, now that it's in the news that I provided the crossbow, I can't go anywhere without people whispering and pointing.
(phone ringing) Oh, excuse me.
Hello? Hello, Maris.
Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.
Yes, that's awful.
can.
I'll-I'll-I'll do what I Yes, all right.
Oh, that was Maris.
Poor thing lost her shoes.
She put them outside her cell to be polished, and someone named Big Judy is holding them for ransom.
FRASIER: Well, I how often does she call you? Uh, more often than you'd think she could, being in jail.
Hasn't she made your life hard enough? Oh, I can't turn my back on her now, Roz.
She's literally fighting for her life.
Oh, wonderful.
More news vans.
Maybe it's time I made a statement.
Absolutely not, Niles.
That is the worst possible thing you could do.
It would only fan the flames.
I'll tell you what.
, Why don't you slip out the back way and I will talk to them for you.
Oh, that's there's no need, Frasier No, Niles, I insist.
I'm used to dealing with these media jackals.
You have no idea how they can twist your words with editing tricks and such.
All right.
Off you go.
Thank you, Frasier.
Is Niles Crane in here? He is not.
I will be speaking on his behalf.
Gentlemen, you may roll tape.
Good afternoon, Seattle.
This is Dr.
Frasier Crane, spokesman for the Crane family.
Recent events involving my brother, Niles Crane, and his ex-wife are tragic almost as tragic as the rampant media speculation concerning his involvement.
If there is any justice in the world, Maris Crane and Niles Crane will soon be executed.
Thank you.
That is all I have to say.
I said no such thing.
I did? I did? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Come back.
FRASIER (over TV): Maris Crane and Niles Crane will soon be executed.
That's four times in one newscast.
Must be some kind of record.
They know I meant exonerated.
(groans) FRASIER: Oh, Daphne, Niles! Listen, I'm, I'm so sorry about today's little gaffe You know what I meant.
Oh, don't worry.
Anyone can make a little slip.
We know you were only trying to ruin our lives.
I mean, help.
Niles, once again, I'm so sorry.
No, no, Frasier, please, it's all right.
I should have talked to them myself.
I hope it'll be all right if we stay with you for a while.
Why? What happened? Well, since Frasier's little press conference, the media frenzy's only increased.
It's become a nuisance for our neighbors.
TV crews and news helicopters, plus the entire press corps from Esteban's hometown in Argentina.
Last night some cheeky bloke from the Buenos Aires Herald climbed a tree and took a picture of old Mrs Gotschalk in her sitz bath.
Apparently, the readership of the Herald is mostly lonely gauchos.
FRASIER: You know, Niles, your good cheer in spite of everything is just remarkable.
Well, I've chosen not to let it get to me, and it hasn't.
Of course, much of the credit goes to my Daphne.
I-I'm so truly blessed to have such a loving and supportive wife.
She is at once my huggle-bunny and my rock.
I think I might throw up.
Huggle-bunny was a bit much.
No, no, my stomach, it's upset.
Well, Daphne, can I get you something? Oh, thank you, Frasier.
I wouldn't mind ten years in prison.
Oh, I meant crackers.
Well, I-I guess I deserve that, but, uh, may I remind you, I'm a bit of a victim myself.
.
as just yesterday I was punched in the face by a man now dead.
Thank you.
(phone rings) Hello.
Hello Mmm.
No, no, I haven't forgotten.
Yes, I'll try to get the re tomorrow morning.
All right, good-bye, Mmm That was Maris, wasn't it? Where will you be tomorrow morning? The jail.
I-I-I said I'd try to visit her.
Have you lost your bloody mind?! I have tried to be patient, but this is too much! You promised me that woman would be out of our lives.
, Now she's calling every minute the papers report as though you two are still married, and I can't even sleep in my own bed! I know, darling, b-but you can't blame me for everything that's happened The hell I can't! If you hadn't snuck off to have lunch with her, we never would have been dragged into this, and you wouldn't be sleeping alone on the couch tonight.
But you did, and we were, so you are! I hate that kind of cracker! That was kind of harsh.
FRASIER: I'll say.
These are imported from Belgium.
Poor thing.
She's overtired and a little hormonal.
I'll, I'll go try to talk her into choosing to be calm.
Boy, he's really holding up well.
A little too well.
I'm starting to fear he's not dealing with his emotions at all.
Right.
That's the whole secret to holding up.
Dad, it's called "repression , "and it is not healthy.
The man is a walking pressure cooker.
It's his senior year all over again.
What are you talking about? Oh, that's right.
He swore me to secrecy.
Well Niles got mono.
He missed four weeks of class, right? So, he was studying around the clock, trying to catch up.
Just before finals, his girlfriend dumped him for his roommate.
Niles insisted he was just fine right up until the very moment when they found him in the all-night grocery, sitting in a freezer bin, talking to a bag of frozen corn whispering, "Why so cold, my love?" All calm.
Want me to help you make up the couch? No, no.
I can manage.
Okay.
Well, I think I'll hit the rack, too Sherry, Niles? Oh, how lovely.
Thank you.
Mmm.
To the balcony? Mm, after you.
Niles, while I admire your initial fortitude, I can't help thinking you may have taken things to extremes.
As you know, it can be dangerous to repress one's emotions.
Ah, true, but there is no way of weathering a situation like this without a certain degree of detachment.
Are you sure you're not too detached? Oh, nonsense.
Everything's under control.
Oh, look at that.
What in the hell?! Just a news chopper! Pay it no mind! (shouting): That doesn't bother you?! You get used to it! Oh, for heaven's sake! Get inside! You should be ashamed of yourselves.
You know perfectly well I meant "exonerated"! Hello, Roz.
Hi, Niles.
A cappuccino, please.
And one for him.
You don't look so good.
I didn't get much sleep last nightagain.
I'm surprised you're here after yesterday.
I refuse to be cowed into changing my routine.
Let me get this.
I have my coffee, I go to work.
Of course, all my patients want to talk about is Maris.
Esteban's crazed brother left me a message, saying I owe some sort of blood debt.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get off the sofa.
You've had it pretty rough.
What are my choices? I can go to pieces, or I can bear up and live my normal life.
Can I get a straw, please? Oh, sorry, sir, that was the last one.
I see.
The last straw.
Gosh, is it warm in here? It is.
It is.
It's warm in here.
Oh, it's suffocating.
That's better.
I'll get you a straw, Niles.
Do you need a straw? No, no, no.
You heard her.
There are no more straws.
Oh, that feels so much better.
Oh, everything was just so tight before.
Aah! (straining): Yes! Oh! Coffee shop without straws? (giggling) It makes no sense.
You can borrow my straw, see? Oh, this is great.
I was being smothered.
Oh, I can breathe! I don't know how you stand it.
Hello, Frasier? It's me.
How close are you to the cafe? All right, well, hurry up and park, because Niles is almost completely Niles is completely naked.
Oh Niles.
I'm calling the cops.
The hell you are.
This man's tips alone have probably paid for all the pot you'll ever smoke.
Just back off, cowboy.
And that goes for the rest of you, too.
Hello, Niles.
Hey.
What's going on? Heat wave in Texas.
Well, Niles, maybe you should, uh, put some clothes on.
Ah nah.
No.
No, too much.
Too much on me.
I'm feeling very constricted.
me.
I'm fine now .
Don't touch Niles, Iook at yourself.
Hello.
I think I'm having that dream where I'm naked in Nervosa.
I think a lot of people are having that dream.
We have to go now, Niles.
Oh.
But you're not getting in my car like that.
Is he okay? It's just a-a panic attack.
It's happened before, but he's never been quite this close to butterfly-net territory.
May I have your apron, please? And-and yours? All right, Niles, I'm going to wrap you up Iike a big, green Christmas present.
You like Christmas, don't you? There we are.
Oh.
(chuckling) ROZ: Okay, listen up.
Me and my friends are going to back out of here, nice and easy.
As far as any of you are concerned, this never happened.
And if any of you decide to be a hero and call the police, trust me, I will find you.
Oh, Roz, that was persuasive.
Well, there's nothing worse than waking up naked with a bunch of cops standing around.
I bet.
Well, there he is! Rise and shine, lazybones.
I'm surprised it's still light out.
I thought it would be dark by now.
Well, it was already.
You've been asleep for 20 hours.
Oh, well, I guess I needed it.
So how are you feeling? Oh, much better.
Frasier, I'm so sorry I embarrassed you.
Niles, you didn't embarrass me one bit.
Well, maybe maybe just a little.
On our way to the car, a breeze from a passing school bus turned your apron into a cape and (phone rings) Hello? It's Maris.
You don't have to take this.
No, I really should.
Hello, Maris.
Yes, yes, listen, there's something I-I want to say Yes, but Well, of course, you're alone! You're alone because you killed your boyfriend! Now, I am on your side, but there is a limit because I have a wonderful, pregnant wife.
And as far as my attention is concerned, she comes first, always.
I will help you through this, but now you have to help me by saying good-bye.
No.
No.
No.
What do you have to say? Yes, good-bye.
Now there's the Niles that's been missing in action.
Thanks for what you said about me.
Though I haven't been completely wonderful.
No, you've been irritable and you made me sleep on a couch.
That's the stuff, Niles.
Doesn't it feel good to get it off your chest? Oh, stuff it, Mr.
Malaprop.
Family spokesman.
The Manson family should have a spokesman like you.
He's really getting the hang of this, isn't he? And you.
I'd have been home from that jail an hour earlier if you hadn't convince d your buddies to let you squeeze off a few rounds into a Dumpster.
You kept him waiting while I was at home worried sick? I was doing him a favor.
Keeping him away from you and your hormones.
Oh, some favor.
Making me stay with Frasier.
He made me do housework.
I'd forgotten that until this moment.
You made her do housework?! A pregnant woman? That's pretty low.
Oh, fine! Fine! Turn your anger on me! It's almost as if you'd forgotten that not three days ago, I was punched in the face by a man now dead.
Thank you.
Now who wants pancakes?