QI (2003) s11e08 Episode Script
Keys
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, where tonight we are looking for our keys.
To help us we have a key man, Tim Minchin.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING A key woman, Isy Suttie! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING A key player, Bill Bailey.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And an allen key, Alan Davies! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Ah, you see what he did there.
So, they've all got their keyboards.
Tim, give us an A.
"A" NOTE PLAYS That's an A.
Isy, in the great tradition of Blockbusters, I'd like an E, please.
"E" NOTE PLAYS Very nice.
Bill, give us a G.
"G" NOTE PLAYS And Alan, give us a B.
BEE BUZZES LAUGHTER Aaah.
Aaaah.
We have given you a musical instrument.
I have got the thing here, but BILL: Oh.
A glockenspiel? We didn't trust you with anything electrical.
It's nice.
It's something for you to keep yourself occupied if you don't know any answers.
Bill could teach me a couple of tunes during the record.
I bet Bill will, too.
Here's a good one.
There you go.
Here's a good one, look.
HE PLAYS TWO NOTES There you are.
LAUGHTER It's Airport Announcement.
Airport Announcement, by Ravel.
By Ravel, yes.
It's a beautiful piece.
Absolutely wonderful.
FRENCH ACCENT: "An announcement airport," yes.
Exactly.
Do know any, any tunes? French? No.
I don't know any tunes.
HE PLAYS TWO NOTES Doorbell.
Same, similar.
Oh, very good.
I don't know who wrote whose first, I imagine doorbell came first.
ISY: They're always in a major third, as if to herald good news.
Yes, exactly.
Yeah.
TIM PLAYS TWO NOTES - MAJOR THIRD "Your flight is delayed by eight hours.
" "I don't feel so bad!" TIM PLAYS TWO NOTES - MINOR THIRD "Boarding now.
" "Oh, no!" BILL: The best doorbells always frighten people away.
PLAYS NOTES FROM 'CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND' LAUGHTER Marvellous.
You haven't played anything for us yet, Isy, just get your fingers warm.
SHE PLAYS JAUNTY PIANO TUNE That was the jazz version.
Wow! Pretty good.
BILL: That was great.
Anyway, there we are.
So, I'll give you the keys to the city, all right? What's the first thing you'll do? NOTE PLAYS Yes? I'd make a copy of them.
Clever.
TIM: Yeah, good.
In case I lock myself out when I'm drunk.
And I'd give a copy to my cleaner.
Very, very smart.
What else can you do with the keys to the city? Drive a sheep across a bridge.
KLAXON BLARES Ah.
What?! No.
I am a Freeman of the City of London, as it happens.
Quite right.
Oh, thank you.
Very disappointed if you weren't.
And I did drive, I did drive a sheep over, though in fact it was flagrantly illegal.
It's just one of those myths.
Also that supposedly that you can bear a sword in the city, but that's not true, either.
Is there an actual door that you can fit that in? No.
No, there really isn't.
What do you actually get? Do you actually get a key in a nice presentation case? No, you get a long sort of parchment, wherein, heretofore, let it be understood the City and corporation BILL: Is there anything you can do? I mean is there anything You can go naked, or something, or? No, no real rights.
I mean if you are poor, you can access some educational and charitable funds.
Dick Whittington, probably the most famous London Lord Mayor, in the early 15th century, left money in trust for water troughs and children's education, and that charity is still giving out money.
Really? It's been wisely invested.
That's pretty amazing, isn't it? There are other people to get freedoms of cities.
To whom do you think Detroit gave the key of their city in 1980? Diana Ross.
No, it wasn't Diana Ross, you'd think it would be a Someone off of Motown.
Gary Numan.
It should be a Motown star.
Wasn't Gary Numan.
Gary Numan? No.
What wrote Cars? No.
That would be good.
No, it wasn't.
It was actually Saddam Hussein.
AUDIENCE LAUGH AND MURMUR What? Well, they're sick of him.
What?! It's the usual pattern.
In 1980, he was our friend.
He was a friend.
Yeah.
Of course.
The City of Toronto has given the key to Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela and Mickey Mouse.
LAUGHTER Never seen in the same room.
Pathetic, the Dalai Lama?! Why him? The Dalai Lama, what was it? Nelson Mandela and Mickey Mouse.
Ah, my perfect Sunday.
LAUGHTER Those three round for dinner.
Corona, California, gave a cat the freedom of its city limits.
Oh, that's stupid, isn't it? Because the cat had hit the Guinness Book of Records by being the tallest cat in the world.
And, because we're QI, we rang up the city of Corona, and it's true.
They were very pleased to have it verified for us.
But Cher upset Australians in 2012, when she sold her key to Adelaide on eBay.
Oh.
She got 96,000 dollars for it.
Wow! What?! Yeah.
Someone paid 96 grand for a symbolic key to Adelaide? To Adelaide, not even Melbourne or Sydney! I mean, I like Adelaide, but that's BILL: It's a lot though, isn't it? I don't want a key.
She responded to the inevitable backlash on Twitter.
She said F'd up.
Fudged.
Fudged up, yeah.
Friend.
So, there you are.
Flowled.
Flower-up.
Flagaba Keep guessing.
I don't know.
Fruity.
Flannel.
Flannel up.
Flannel up and wait for me.
POSH VOICE: "Flannel up! "Clean yourself and flannel up, I'll be up in five minutes! "And put on the special ointment!" Bring me another one, this one's flannelled-out.
Oh, dear.
All right, OK.
I like a flannel.
Now, what's the best way to keep the Open Organisation of Lockpickers out of your homes? Bucket of water over the door, a rake on the floor, two miniature beds of nails and a very hungry tiger.
And you put all that outside the potential lockpicker's door, so that they can't even leave their home.
Ah.
You don't need to, is the point, actually.
The fact is, they are incredibly moral and ethical.
This organisation, which is literally called TOOOL.
The Organisation - there it is.
The Open Organisation of Lockpickers.
BILL: No, this is made-up.
It's Dutch.
Is it? It's a Dutch organisation of recreational lockpickers.
LAUGHTER They claim to have a good purpose, they help spread the word in security and show how things can be picked, but the point is, you're not allowed ever, in this organisation, to pick a lock that doesn't belong to you.
That's how moral they are.
Well, that's boring, isn't it? Pick a lock That's when they're meeting, but when they're professionally being lockpickers DUTCH ACCENT: "Hey, what a crazy bunch of guys.
"Let's go and pick some locks, but not someone we don't know.
"OK.
What a crazy time we're going to have.
" "How come it's only me today?" LAUGHTER "I am such a toool.
" Yeah.
Many of TOOOL's members are obviously lock-makers and locksmiths.
There they are, tools of their trade.
Wow.
It's incredible how you can have such a specific skill in one area Yes.
Very true.
It's non-overlapping magisteria.
It is not an overlapping organisation, as well.
Yeah.
Let's be honest.
Who cannot get into their house.
That's right.
Who in poetic law laughs at locksmiths? The Queen.
"Ha ha ha.
" No.
The first Tuesday of every month.
"The official laughing at locksmiths.
"Locksmiths are lining up.
She is now braying in their faces, "snorting derisively" No.
"You can't open it.
Ha ha ha!" Audience, who laughs at locksmiths? AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Love.
Love laughs at locksmiths.
Oh.
You lock the girl up, you lock the boy up, or you put locked barriers between them and they'll always find a way through to each other.
BILL: Aww.
Except they don't, do they? No.
If you lock They won't, will they? No.
That's the trouble with poetry.
It's bollocks.
I hate it.
They just need a good lock.
It raises false hopes.
All you need is your lock to be slightly smarter than the two people in love and really dumb people are in love, and there are really good locks.
That's ridiculous! You're right, you're right.
Oh, well.
Speaking of keys, what's the key part of an arch? BILL PLAYS NOTES Yes, Bill? Your light came on first.
Was that you, sorry? That's the trouble with these things.
You can't tell who it is.
Do that chord again and I'll know.
We only know the same chord.
We're both We play in C.
The keystone is the KLAXON BLARES I'm Alan Davies.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It is commonplace to use the word keystone as being the thing that makes the arch work, but it isn't true.
It's not the most important.
All the arch stones, or "voussoirs" are equally important.
But it is the last piece to go in and finishes rather beautifully the arrangement, as it were.
Yes.
In Roman times, they'd get the constructor of the arch to stand right under the arch when the support scaffolding was taken away, just to show that he had faith enough in his own Well, it's natural selection of arch builders, isn't it? "Is that guy any good?" Well, he's still here.
Exactly.
I like that idea of getting people to test things.
It's like going to a barbecue and getting someone to try the sausage before you'll eat it.
Oh, don't.
BILL: Oh, yeah.
There are certain things that you can only test by using.
So it's then useless.
I mean, a ring-pull essentially, you say, "I wonder if this ring-pull will work.
" Whoosh! "Oh, yes, it does.
Good, now Oh, you can't" Same with air bags, I suppose and other such things.
I've really tried to get the air bag to come out, but it's No? No luck? No, if you drive, really whack the dashboard really hard with a mallet or something and Well, you realise how much force it is by just trying to walk into a wall at two miles an hour and your body won't let you.
It just won't.
LAUGHTER Hands will go up.
No, no, no.
I've done that.
By mistake when I did that after a night on here.
Yes, when drunk or texting or something.
But, I mean, if you actually consciously say, "I'm going to walk into this wall" Only two miles an hour, not three miles an hour, and you just, pah, your hand goes up.
You can't stop it.
It's a reflex, it's so strong.
Is there a wall here? I'd like to see you not do that.
LAUGHTER I mean, just kind of slowly walk into a wall.
Try it at home.
LAUGHTER That's all I'm saying.
Maybe it's just me being a coward.
It will take more than an hour to go two miles if you keep walking into walls, wouldn't it? It's true.
That's the interesting thing about that.
That's true.
So, the fact of the matter is that keystones are no more important than any of the other stones in an arch.
Why were the keys in a QWERTY keyboard arranged the way they are? Ah, now, this is that it makes it more difficult to type.
LAUGHTER That's right.
And they wanted to slow KLAXON BLARES "They wanted to slow", you were saying Typists down.
Typists down.
No.
What it is, is the ones that most commonly are done together in English were put furthest apart, so they were less likely to jam.
So, in fact, it was in order to allow you to type more smoothly and speedily, so that you didn't get the jamming of the keys as they came up and hit each other.
Oh, I see.
Of course, these days, we don't use mechanical typewriters in that way, with the keys flopping up.
That's how I learnt to type.
Enormous typewriters.
I was tiny.
LAUGHTER I loved typewriters so much, I was obsessed with them.
Really? Absolutely adored them, yeah.
Stephen! Dinner's ready.
Aaargh! Do you know, it's true, I once copied out a whole novel on the typewriter.
Did you? Just to practise.
Yeah, because I enjoyed the experience of typing so much.
Just to, yeah.
While other people were getting on with their lives, you were doing that.
Yeah.
What can I tell you? It's the sort of man you are.
I'm sad.
I'm so modest.
What, what novel was it? It was Frozen Assets, by PG Wodehouse.
It's not one of his best-known novels.
BILL SNIGGERS Look, I'm sorry! It's amazing you've come so far, isn't it? "Yes, what I like to do in my spare time, "I write out Proust, I use my nail and I chip it into an old flint.
" I can't help it.
"No, get off Nanny, I haven't finished yet.
" You're such a bully! You're mean.
Sir, sir, Fry's copying out novels again.
Sir, he's chipping them, he's using a hammer and a chisel, he's chiselled out War And Peace on the South Downs.
You really do live a different life to all the rest, you're not like us, are you? You're another, you're not a mortal.
Clearly not.
You're like sent from some other planet.
You are, the planet Aesthete, that's what you are.
I always thought I was normal, and now I No, you're not.
Oh, well, anyway You're a freak.
Now, what starts with K and is killed by curiosity? A kitten.
Oh! Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
It's an animal species, but not a cat.
A lot of these begin with Ks Kangaroo.
No, but you're in the right hemisphere.
Koala.
Again, right hemisphere, not the right country.
Kiwi.
Sorry? Kiwi? Kiwi.
You're the right type of animal.
Kora.
A kea.
Kea is the right answer.
Very good.
A kea is? A New Zealand parrot.
A flightless bird.
No, it's not flightless, oddly enough, it's a parrot.
And there was a bounty put on them some years ago.
Kea, which as you can see, look quite ravenous, they look almost like eagles, but they are parrots, would ride the sheep, peck at them and eat the fat off the poor sheep.
And so there was a bounty put on their heads and New Zealanders found keas were very curious animals.
It's partly a result of having grown up in a country with no mammals for millions of years.
Anyway, what you do is, you stand behind a rock and wait for a kea to come along, and then you drop behind the rock and disappear.
And the kea thinks, that's odd.
And he wanders up and he takes a look over, and you just, with your club, just go bang, like that.
Then, that's the beauty of it, you've only just started, because you don't have to move, you take the kea and you put it down.
The kea's friend goes, "Where's Kevin?" Where's Kevin! Wanders round, comes along like that.
Are they all called Kevin? Then you drop down and disappear, and he goes, "What happened there? "There was someone, then there wasn't.
How does that happen?" And he looks over, bash, like that.
"Where's Keith?" And so on, all the way through.
All the Ks.
You get a huge swag bag of kea.
They're not the brightest of birds.
They're not the brightest.
But the point is, they never needed to be.
Because New Zealand, just apart from a few bats, never had any mammals That's true.
All they needed to do was mate and survive.
The kakapo, for example, another type of parrot, the only thing likely to predate on it was a vast eagle that used to live in New Zealand called the Haast's eagle and so the kakapo solved that by becoming nocturnal like the kiwi.
So it could be afraid of nothing.
Kiwis aren't the most exciting birds, I have seen kiwis.
Have you burrowed into one of their dens? No, I haven't bothered to do that.
I did.
It's exciting.
There's one on YouTube playing the piano.
Oh! No, no.
Falling down an escalator.
I've seen them in special areas, you know.
I went out with this guide and he found one, and he said, "Get in there, get in there.
" And so I burrowed and burrowed and burrowed and burrowed.
And you just see this little eye winking at you, and that long wonderful beak, and it just winked.
Aah.
And I winked back and then sort of With a little look that just says, "you just destroyed my house.
" Yeah.
I was careful not to.
Aaah.
Aah, lovely! It took three years to make this.
The New Zealand government, they were given two pandas by the Chinese government in return for two kiwis, and I just thought it was a bit of a swiz, you know.
It's like New Zealand, you know, the zoo in Auckland, all these people going, aah, look at them, look at the pandas, and aah! Some zoo in Beijing, people going, what? What are they? These kiwis don't even sneeze.
They don't, nothing.
Very good, very good, very good.
Now, what is this woman doing though? What the? Is this Lady Gaga's new album cover, is it? She's wearing a It's an experiment.
No, she's using a device that's for sale, or was for sale, it was built in 1929.
A new device.
Knitting jumpers? Patented by Dr Kurt Johnen, it records the motions and bodily reactions.
A lady is pictured being examined by the device.
A pneumatic belt records the change of the circumference of her chest.
Pneumatic cuffs above the upper arms control the changes of muscle tension.
Through a hose is recorded the rhythms of respiration, and another hose transfers the strength of touch.
It's a sex toy.
You would think, wouldn't you? But what about her hands? That's the clue, and our theme today? Piano, she's learning piano.
Piano? A keyboard.
Yes, it's a piano teaching machine.
Oh.
Oh.
Extraordinary, isn't it? Wow.
It's supposed to help you with your piano playing.
Your posture, your breathing.
There have been many others along those lines.
There was the Chiroplast, which was clamped to the piano and trapped the player's arms, that's the one on the left, so you were forced to play using only your wrist and finger action.
You were then crippled.
The one in the middle was the Dactylion, from the Greek "dactyl", meaning finger.
A contraption designed to strengthen the fingers, because they're springs that you're going against in that middle picture.
And it's said that Robert Schumann used that and it actually hurt his fingers.
Though others say that was syphilis.
It's a fine line, isn't it? It is a fine line.
Oh, always.
When you're into fingering, syphilis is never far away.
Next to that is the Chiro, or the Chirogymnaste, which is a tiny finger gym, which has got little finger events and you can see them.
But if you do harm yourself by using one of these things, you can always use the bed piano, for bedridden people.
Wow.
Which is a rather splendid device.
I think you'll agree.
I hope that's securely attached.
That is the laziest keyboard player in the world.
And as you see, it rolls up, pushes away neatly.
That's fantastic.
It's great, isn't it? I want one.
You can slide pizzas down from the back.
Yes.
Bill's sitting there going "I am going to get one of those.
" I will, I'm going to get one.
Bill will have one of those.
That's the piano for the bedroom.
Ha-ha! The upside-down piano, virtual.
That's magic.
Be easier to strap yourself into bed and tilt the bed up to a normal piano.
Yeah.
How would a left-handed piano work? It would be high notes at the left.
There it is.
And there it is.
That is a left-handed piano.
Wow.
It would take a hell of a lot of unlearning for you to play on that, wouldn't it? Good God! Can you imagine? It would drive you mad.
It would.
Transposing pianos, have you ever played with one of those? Well, there's a device on the keyboard that will do that for you.
On an electric keyboard.
On an electric one.
There are pianos with a mechanism that can It's a lever on it.
It moves it across to the next string.
Oh, right.
Irving Berlin used one, because he only composed in F sharp.
He's like Stevie Wonder, who likes the black notes.
He couldn't read music, but was the most successful song-writer of his age.
Really? Yeah.
He couldn't read music, he was fantastically talented, He wrote White Christmas, let alone Top Hat, White Tie.
He lived long enough to be able to see his own songs go out of copyright, because his first hit was in 1911, with Alexander's Ragtime Band.
You know, "Come on and hear, come on and hear Alexander's Ragtime Band.
" They only go out of copyright after you're dead.
No, they do now, but in his day, it was 75 years after it was written.
Right.
So he lived long enough to see some of his songs go into the public domain.
Now it's 70 years after you've died.
How old was he when he wrote it? Early twenties.
But had this extraordinary talent.
Amazing.
There's a long list of things I have to get after this show.
There's the upside-down piano, the upside-down dinner, I mean, everything, yeah.
Yeah.
So, what did the man who knew everything think cats were good for? Well Catching mice.
Catching mice.
Isn't the man who knew everything Thomas Young? Well, there's various people who were given the title of the last man to know everything there was to know.
Erasmus, Leibnitz, Von Humboldt, and this man here, Kircher, his name is.
He was a German Jesuit, Athanasius Kircher.
And he certainly was very interested in lots of things, he was lowered into Vesuvius, he believed the Bubonic plague was caused by microbes, well ahead of germ theory.
Claimed falsely to have interpreted Egyptian hieroglyphics.
He regarded things like magnetism and love as branches of the same topic, attraction, which is a very QI way of looking at things, I like that.
Yeah.
But what are the cats doing? Well, we'll come to that.
Some things he got right.
He denied the possibility of flying tortoises.
I don't know who'd raised the possibility, but he damn well squashed it and said, no, there won't be such a thing as a flying tortoise.
Rubbish.
But he did invent the megaphone, and the Katzenklavier.
Klavier is in fact German for key, from Klaven, Latin, key, but it's a keyboard instrument.
The cat playing the piano, he invented You Tube.
I'm afraid, for cat-lovers it's a bit more disturbing than that.
Oh, cat string, gut string.
No, not cat gut, no, arrange live cats in the right order, according to their voice.
Oh.
And you play Drums.
And there you go.
Oh, brilliant.
That's awesome! Oh, if only they had YouTube back then.
The outrage on the comments page.
It's another thing for your list, isn't it.
It's on the list.
Yes, right up there.
You've got to get one of those.
Their tales are fixed in place underneath hammers, when a key is pressed, the hammer hits the corresponding, you can even get chords and of course there's dynamics.
The harder you hit, it the more of a yowl.
It wouldn't necessarily have to be cruel, you could get the same mechanism, but just have it sort of tickle the bollocks of a cat.
So it's more like As opposed to For a trill.
Yeah.
MIMICS CATS PLAYING 'HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGY IN THE WINDOW?' What do they think, that you have an A cat and a B cat? Yeah.
And a C cat? I guess you just go round.
But there are only six cats and there are more than six keys, so Well, that's true, that's a limited range, it's very Experimental music.
Experimental music.
All the other keys hit mice inside the box.
It's doubtful he actually built it, but he certainly wrote out the plans to one.
There are comparable records of pig organs, that Louis XI of France, had one made by the Abbot of Baigne.
There you are, getting ascending order of pig, pig, pig.
That's fantastic.
I like the woman singing along with them as well.
You think she's playing the pigs, but the pigs are playing her.
And as late as the mid-19th century, there was some instruments known variously as the Pig Organ, the Hog Harmonium, Pigano, the Porko Forte, or worst of all, the Swineway Grand.
So there you are, yes, several people have tried to make musical instruments out of live animals, although it doesn't really work very well in practice.
And now for the welcome return of a keynote of QI, a bit of General Ignorance very quickly.
Fingers on keypads.
Nicely flexed and name something written by Winston Churchill? Who was that? Yes? The Second World War.
Oh! Have another go.
He won the Nobel Prize, didn't he.
He won the Nobel Prize for Literature.
Yes, he did.
He wrote so much.
Our Prime Minister won the Nobel Prize for Literature, no question.
Winston Churchill did not write under the name Winston Churchill.
Our Prime Minister didn't.
Oh, that's right.
What did he write under the name of? Anne Bronte.
The Gathering Storm, by Anne Bronte.
Daphne du Maurier.
My early years.
Katie Price.
No, what's his full name? Do you remember his full? Spencer.
William Leonard Spencer Churchill.
Oh, Leonard.
So he wrote under the name of Winston S Churchill.
Because when he started writing, there was a very successful American novelist called Winston Churchill.
And so out of politeness to him he wrote to him this very complicated letter, which was sort of jokey, I think, he says - "Winston Churchill has no doubt that Mr Winston Churchill will recognise from this letter, "if indeed by no other means, "that there is grave danger of his works being mistaken for those of Mr Winston Churchill.
"He feels sure that Mr Winston Churchill desires this as little as he does himself.
"In future to avoid mistakes as far as possible, "Mr Winston Churchill has decided to sign all published articles, stories or other works, "Winston Spencer Churchill and not Winston Churchill as formerly.
"He trusts that this arrangement will commend itself to Mr Winston Churchill.
" And Winston Churchill replied, "Mr Winston Churchill appreciates the courtesy of Mr Winston Churchill "in adopting the name of Winston Spencer Churchill in his books, articles, etc.
"Mr Winston Churchill makes haste to add that had he possessed any other names, "he would certainly have adopted one of them.
" There you go.
So how polite.
That's so lovely.
I like the fact they refer to themselves in the third person.
Mr Churchill all the time, I know.
Now, what truly grim reading matter was banned in Germany after the War? Romantic comedies? Mills and Boon? "Say what you hear.
The clue is in the question.
" What was the question again? Say the question again.
What truly grim reading matter was? The Brothers Grimm.
Brothers Grimm.
Oh, right.
Because people believed that real savagery of the Grimm fairy tales had contributed to something that had turned the German people nasty, the perceived barbarity of the people.
The argument they'd fostered obedience, discipline, authoritarianism, nationalism, glorification of violence, all that kind of thing, became part of the national character.
According to a British Major, TJ Leonard, he said the fairytales had helped teach German children "all the varieties of barbarousness.
" Including light flannelling.
And it made them easy to fit the role of hangman, and so on and so forth.
One of the stories was called How Children Played Butcher With Each Other, which was really savage.
That was removed from the second edition.
And in the Frog King, the frog is not kissed by the princess, he's hurled against a wall with all the strength she has, to turn him into a prince.
A rather battered, bruised prince.
That'll do it.
Yeah.
At two miles an hour.
Two miles an hour, against a And he goes like that Argh! It was all he could do.
He's got little froggy arms.
Yeah.
On the other hand, there is a lyrical quality.
The last in the collection, you'll love this story.
There's a little poor boy goes out into a wintry forest to collect wood on a sled.
In the snow he finds a tiny key and next to it an iron box.
The boy inserts the key, he turns it, he lifts the lid.
SUSPENSEFUL TUNE PLAYS He lifts the lid TUNE CONTINUES End of story.
Oh, really? That's Pulp Fiction.
Exactly, it's the suitcase in Pulp Fiction, exactly what I thought of it.
The rest is up to your imagination, boys and girls.
What do you think was in that box? A frog.
Porn.
I think it was a stash of porn.
Yeah.
A flannel.
That's why I used to go into the woods.
Well, we've ended on a sour, bitter and very rude note.
Which is the way we like to end on QI.
Once again.
Yes, hurrah.
Which brings us to the scores.
And let's have a look.
My word, my goodness, my gracious, my goodness and my everything, in first place, with plus three, is Bill Bailey! Wow.
I've never won! How did you end up with plus three? Second place for a first timer, with minus eight, it's Isy.
Oh, well done.
Third place, on his first appearance, is really not bad, it's Tim Minchin.
And yes, in fourth place is Alan Davies! So that's it from Isy, Tim, Bill, Alan and me.
And good night.
To help us we have a key man, Tim Minchin.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING A key woman, Isy Suttie! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING A key player, Bill Bailey.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And an allen key, Alan Davies! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Ah, you see what he did there.
So, they've all got their keyboards.
Tim, give us an A.
"A" NOTE PLAYS That's an A.
Isy, in the great tradition of Blockbusters, I'd like an E, please.
"E" NOTE PLAYS Very nice.
Bill, give us a G.
"G" NOTE PLAYS And Alan, give us a B.
BEE BUZZES LAUGHTER Aaah.
Aaaah.
We have given you a musical instrument.
I have got the thing here, but BILL: Oh.
A glockenspiel? We didn't trust you with anything electrical.
It's nice.
It's something for you to keep yourself occupied if you don't know any answers.
Bill could teach me a couple of tunes during the record.
I bet Bill will, too.
Here's a good one.
There you go.
Here's a good one, look.
HE PLAYS TWO NOTES There you are.
LAUGHTER It's Airport Announcement.
Airport Announcement, by Ravel.
By Ravel, yes.
It's a beautiful piece.
Absolutely wonderful.
FRENCH ACCENT: "An announcement airport," yes.
Exactly.
Do know any, any tunes? French? No.
I don't know any tunes.
HE PLAYS TWO NOTES Doorbell.
Same, similar.
Oh, very good.
I don't know who wrote whose first, I imagine doorbell came first.
ISY: They're always in a major third, as if to herald good news.
Yes, exactly.
Yeah.
TIM PLAYS TWO NOTES - MAJOR THIRD "Your flight is delayed by eight hours.
" "I don't feel so bad!" TIM PLAYS TWO NOTES - MINOR THIRD "Boarding now.
" "Oh, no!" BILL: The best doorbells always frighten people away.
PLAYS NOTES FROM 'CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND' LAUGHTER Marvellous.
You haven't played anything for us yet, Isy, just get your fingers warm.
SHE PLAYS JAUNTY PIANO TUNE That was the jazz version.
Wow! Pretty good.
BILL: That was great.
Anyway, there we are.
So, I'll give you the keys to the city, all right? What's the first thing you'll do? NOTE PLAYS Yes? I'd make a copy of them.
Clever.
TIM: Yeah, good.
In case I lock myself out when I'm drunk.
And I'd give a copy to my cleaner.
Very, very smart.
What else can you do with the keys to the city? Drive a sheep across a bridge.
KLAXON BLARES Ah.
What?! No.
I am a Freeman of the City of London, as it happens.
Quite right.
Oh, thank you.
Very disappointed if you weren't.
And I did drive, I did drive a sheep over, though in fact it was flagrantly illegal.
It's just one of those myths.
Also that supposedly that you can bear a sword in the city, but that's not true, either.
Is there an actual door that you can fit that in? No.
No, there really isn't.
What do you actually get? Do you actually get a key in a nice presentation case? No, you get a long sort of parchment, wherein, heretofore, let it be understood the City and corporation BILL: Is there anything you can do? I mean is there anything You can go naked, or something, or? No, no real rights.
I mean if you are poor, you can access some educational and charitable funds.
Dick Whittington, probably the most famous London Lord Mayor, in the early 15th century, left money in trust for water troughs and children's education, and that charity is still giving out money.
Really? It's been wisely invested.
That's pretty amazing, isn't it? There are other people to get freedoms of cities.
To whom do you think Detroit gave the key of their city in 1980? Diana Ross.
No, it wasn't Diana Ross, you'd think it would be a Someone off of Motown.
Gary Numan.
It should be a Motown star.
Wasn't Gary Numan.
Gary Numan? No.
What wrote Cars? No.
That would be good.
No, it wasn't.
It was actually Saddam Hussein.
AUDIENCE LAUGH AND MURMUR What? Well, they're sick of him.
What?! It's the usual pattern.
In 1980, he was our friend.
He was a friend.
Yeah.
Of course.
The City of Toronto has given the key to Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela and Mickey Mouse.
LAUGHTER Never seen in the same room.
Pathetic, the Dalai Lama?! Why him? The Dalai Lama, what was it? Nelson Mandela and Mickey Mouse.
Ah, my perfect Sunday.
LAUGHTER Those three round for dinner.
Corona, California, gave a cat the freedom of its city limits.
Oh, that's stupid, isn't it? Because the cat had hit the Guinness Book of Records by being the tallest cat in the world.
And, because we're QI, we rang up the city of Corona, and it's true.
They were very pleased to have it verified for us.
But Cher upset Australians in 2012, when she sold her key to Adelaide on eBay.
Oh.
She got 96,000 dollars for it.
Wow! What?! Yeah.
Someone paid 96 grand for a symbolic key to Adelaide? To Adelaide, not even Melbourne or Sydney! I mean, I like Adelaide, but that's BILL: It's a lot though, isn't it? I don't want a key.
She responded to the inevitable backlash on Twitter.
She said F'd up.
Fudged.
Fudged up, yeah.
Friend.
So, there you are.
Flowled.
Flower-up.
Flagaba Keep guessing.
I don't know.
Fruity.
Flannel.
Flannel up.
Flannel up and wait for me.
POSH VOICE: "Flannel up! "Clean yourself and flannel up, I'll be up in five minutes! "And put on the special ointment!" Bring me another one, this one's flannelled-out.
Oh, dear.
All right, OK.
I like a flannel.
Now, what's the best way to keep the Open Organisation of Lockpickers out of your homes? Bucket of water over the door, a rake on the floor, two miniature beds of nails and a very hungry tiger.
And you put all that outside the potential lockpicker's door, so that they can't even leave their home.
Ah.
You don't need to, is the point, actually.
The fact is, they are incredibly moral and ethical.
This organisation, which is literally called TOOOL.
The Organisation - there it is.
The Open Organisation of Lockpickers.
BILL: No, this is made-up.
It's Dutch.
Is it? It's a Dutch organisation of recreational lockpickers.
LAUGHTER They claim to have a good purpose, they help spread the word in security and show how things can be picked, but the point is, you're not allowed ever, in this organisation, to pick a lock that doesn't belong to you.
That's how moral they are.
Well, that's boring, isn't it? Pick a lock That's when they're meeting, but when they're professionally being lockpickers DUTCH ACCENT: "Hey, what a crazy bunch of guys.
"Let's go and pick some locks, but not someone we don't know.
"OK.
What a crazy time we're going to have.
" "How come it's only me today?" LAUGHTER "I am such a toool.
" Yeah.
Many of TOOOL's members are obviously lock-makers and locksmiths.
There they are, tools of their trade.
Wow.
It's incredible how you can have such a specific skill in one area Yes.
Very true.
It's non-overlapping magisteria.
It is not an overlapping organisation, as well.
Yeah.
Let's be honest.
Who cannot get into their house.
That's right.
Who in poetic law laughs at locksmiths? The Queen.
"Ha ha ha.
" No.
The first Tuesday of every month.
"The official laughing at locksmiths.
"Locksmiths are lining up.
She is now braying in their faces, "snorting derisively" No.
"You can't open it.
Ha ha ha!" Audience, who laughs at locksmiths? AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Love.
Love laughs at locksmiths.
Oh.
You lock the girl up, you lock the boy up, or you put locked barriers between them and they'll always find a way through to each other.
BILL: Aww.
Except they don't, do they? No.
If you lock They won't, will they? No.
That's the trouble with poetry.
It's bollocks.
I hate it.
They just need a good lock.
It raises false hopes.
All you need is your lock to be slightly smarter than the two people in love and really dumb people are in love, and there are really good locks.
That's ridiculous! You're right, you're right.
Oh, well.
Speaking of keys, what's the key part of an arch? BILL PLAYS NOTES Yes, Bill? Your light came on first.
Was that you, sorry? That's the trouble with these things.
You can't tell who it is.
Do that chord again and I'll know.
We only know the same chord.
We're both We play in C.
The keystone is the KLAXON BLARES I'm Alan Davies.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It is commonplace to use the word keystone as being the thing that makes the arch work, but it isn't true.
It's not the most important.
All the arch stones, or "voussoirs" are equally important.
But it is the last piece to go in and finishes rather beautifully the arrangement, as it were.
Yes.
In Roman times, they'd get the constructor of the arch to stand right under the arch when the support scaffolding was taken away, just to show that he had faith enough in his own Well, it's natural selection of arch builders, isn't it? "Is that guy any good?" Well, he's still here.
Exactly.
I like that idea of getting people to test things.
It's like going to a barbecue and getting someone to try the sausage before you'll eat it.
Oh, don't.
BILL: Oh, yeah.
There are certain things that you can only test by using.
So it's then useless.
I mean, a ring-pull essentially, you say, "I wonder if this ring-pull will work.
" Whoosh! "Oh, yes, it does.
Good, now Oh, you can't" Same with air bags, I suppose and other such things.
I've really tried to get the air bag to come out, but it's No? No luck? No, if you drive, really whack the dashboard really hard with a mallet or something and Well, you realise how much force it is by just trying to walk into a wall at two miles an hour and your body won't let you.
It just won't.
LAUGHTER Hands will go up.
No, no, no.
I've done that.
By mistake when I did that after a night on here.
Yes, when drunk or texting or something.
But, I mean, if you actually consciously say, "I'm going to walk into this wall" Only two miles an hour, not three miles an hour, and you just, pah, your hand goes up.
You can't stop it.
It's a reflex, it's so strong.
Is there a wall here? I'd like to see you not do that.
LAUGHTER I mean, just kind of slowly walk into a wall.
Try it at home.
LAUGHTER That's all I'm saying.
Maybe it's just me being a coward.
It will take more than an hour to go two miles if you keep walking into walls, wouldn't it? It's true.
That's the interesting thing about that.
That's true.
So, the fact of the matter is that keystones are no more important than any of the other stones in an arch.
Why were the keys in a QWERTY keyboard arranged the way they are? Ah, now, this is that it makes it more difficult to type.
LAUGHTER That's right.
And they wanted to slow KLAXON BLARES "They wanted to slow", you were saying Typists down.
Typists down.
No.
What it is, is the ones that most commonly are done together in English were put furthest apart, so they were less likely to jam.
So, in fact, it was in order to allow you to type more smoothly and speedily, so that you didn't get the jamming of the keys as they came up and hit each other.
Oh, I see.
Of course, these days, we don't use mechanical typewriters in that way, with the keys flopping up.
That's how I learnt to type.
Enormous typewriters.
I was tiny.
LAUGHTER I loved typewriters so much, I was obsessed with them.
Really? Absolutely adored them, yeah.
Stephen! Dinner's ready.
Aaargh! Do you know, it's true, I once copied out a whole novel on the typewriter.
Did you? Just to practise.
Yeah, because I enjoyed the experience of typing so much.
Just to, yeah.
While other people were getting on with their lives, you were doing that.
Yeah.
What can I tell you? It's the sort of man you are.
I'm sad.
I'm so modest.
What, what novel was it? It was Frozen Assets, by PG Wodehouse.
It's not one of his best-known novels.
BILL SNIGGERS Look, I'm sorry! It's amazing you've come so far, isn't it? "Yes, what I like to do in my spare time, "I write out Proust, I use my nail and I chip it into an old flint.
" I can't help it.
"No, get off Nanny, I haven't finished yet.
" You're such a bully! You're mean.
Sir, sir, Fry's copying out novels again.
Sir, he's chipping them, he's using a hammer and a chisel, he's chiselled out War And Peace on the South Downs.
You really do live a different life to all the rest, you're not like us, are you? You're another, you're not a mortal.
Clearly not.
You're like sent from some other planet.
You are, the planet Aesthete, that's what you are.
I always thought I was normal, and now I No, you're not.
Oh, well, anyway You're a freak.
Now, what starts with K and is killed by curiosity? A kitten.
Oh! Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
It's an animal species, but not a cat.
A lot of these begin with Ks Kangaroo.
No, but you're in the right hemisphere.
Koala.
Again, right hemisphere, not the right country.
Kiwi.
Sorry? Kiwi? Kiwi.
You're the right type of animal.
Kora.
A kea.
Kea is the right answer.
Very good.
A kea is? A New Zealand parrot.
A flightless bird.
No, it's not flightless, oddly enough, it's a parrot.
And there was a bounty put on them some years ago.
Kea, which as you can see, look quite ravenous, they look almost like eagles, but they are parrots, would ride the sheep, peck at them and eat the fat off the poor sheep.
And so there was a bounty put on their heads and New Zealanders found keas were very curious animals.
It's partly a result of having grown up in a country with no mammals for millions of years.
Anyway, what you do is, you stand behind a rock and wait for a kea to come along, and then you drop behind the rock and disappear.
And the kea thinks, that's odd.
And he wanders up and he takes a look over, and you just, with your club, just go bang, like that.
Then, that's the beauty of it, you've only just started, because you don't have to move, you take the kea and you put it down.
The kea's friend goes, "Where's Kevin?" Where's Kevin! Wanders round, comes along like that.
Are they all called Kevin? Then you drop down and disappear, and he goes, "What happened there? "There was someone, then there wasn't.
How does that happen?" And he looks over, bash, like that.
"Where's Keith?" And so on, all the way through.
All the Ks.
You get a huge swag bag of kea.
They're not the brightest of birds.
They're not the brightest.
But the point is, they never needed to be.
Because New Zealand, just apart from a few bats, never had any mammals That's true.
All they needed to do was mate and survive.
The kakapo, for example, another type of parrot, the only thing likely to predate on it was a vast eagle that used to live in New Zealand called the Haast's eagle and so the kakapo solved that by becoming nocturnal like the kiwi.
So it could be afraid of nothing.
Kiwis aren't the most exciting birds, I have seen kiwis.
Have you burrowed into one of their dens? No, I haven't bothered to do that.
I did.
It's exciting.
There's one on YouTube playing the piano.
Oh! No, no.
Falling down an escalator.
I've seen them in special areas, you know.
I went out with this guide and he found one, and he said, "Get in there, get in there.
" And so I burrowed and burrowed and burrowed and burrowed.
And you just see this little eye winking at you, and that long wonderful beak, and it just winked.
Aah.
And I winked back and then sort of With a little look that just says, "you just destroyed my house.
" Yeah.
I was careful not to.
Aaah.
Aah, lovely! It took three years to make this.
The New Zealand government, they were given two pandas by the Chinese government in return for two kiwis, and I just thought it was a bit of a swiz, you know.
It's like New Zealand, you know, the zoo in Auckland, all these people going, aah, look at them, look at the pandas, and aah! Some zoo in Beijing, people going, what? What are they? These kiwis don't even sneeze.
They don't, nothing.
Very good, very good, very good.
Now, what is this woman doing though? What the? Is this Lady Gaga's new album cover, is it? She's wearing a It's an experiment.
No, she's using a device that's for sale, or was for sale, it was built in 1929.
A new device.
Knitting jumpers? Patented by Dr Kurt Johnen, it records the motions and bodily reactions.
A lady is pictured being examined by the device.
A pneumatic belt records the change of the circumference of her chest.
Pneumatic cuffs above the upper arms control the changes of muscle tension.
Through a hose is recorded the rhythms of respiration, and another hose transfers the strength of touch.
It's a sex toy.
You would think, wouldn't you? But what about her hands? That's the clue, and our theme today? Piano, she's learning piano.
Piano? A keyboard.
Yes, it's a piano teaching machine.
Oh.
Oh.
Extraordinary, isn't it? Wow.
It's supposed to help you with your piano playing.
Your posture, your breathing.
There have been many others along those lines.
There was the Chiroplast, which was clamped to the piano and trapped the player's arms, that's the one on the left, so you were forced to play using only your wrist and finger action.
You were then crippled.
The one in the middle was the Dactylion, from the Greek "dactyl", meaning finger.
A contraption designed to strengthen the fingers, because they're springs that you're going against in that middle picture.
And it's said that Robert Schumann used that and it actually hurt his fingers.
Though others say that was syphilis.
It's a fine line, isn't it? It is a fine line.
Oh, always.
When you're into fingering, syphilis is never far away.
Next to that is the Chiro, or the Chirogymnaste, which is a tiny finger gym, which has got little finger events and you can see them.
But if you do harm yourself by using one of these things, you can always use the bed piano, for bedridden people.
Wow.
Which is a rather splendid device.
I think you'll agree.
I hope that's securely attached.
That is the laziest keyboard player in the world.
And as you see, it rolls up, pushes away neatly.
That's fantastic.
It's great, isn't it? I want one.
You can slide pizzas down from the back.
Yes.
Bill's sitting there going "I am going to get one of those.
" I will, I'm going to get one.
Bill will have one of those.
That's the piano for the bedroom.
Ha-ha! The upside-down piano, virtual.
That's magic.
Be easier to strap yourself into bed and tilt the bed up to a normal piano.
Yeah.
How would a left-handed piano work? It would be high notes at the left.
There it is.
And there it is.
That is a left-handed piano.
Wow.
It would take a hell of a lot of unlearning for you to play on that, wouldn't it? Good God! Can you imagine? It would drive you mad.
It would.
Transposing pianos, have you ever played with one of those? Well, there's a device on the keyboard that will do that for you.
On an electric keyboard.
On an electric one.
There are pianos with a mechanism that can It's a lever on it.
It moves it across to the next string.
Oh, right.
Irving Berlin used one, because he only composed in F sharp.
He's like Stevie Wonder, who likes the black notes.
He couldn't read music, but was the most successful song-writer of his age.
Really? Yeah.
He couldn't read music, he was fantastically talented, He wrote White Christmas, let alone Top Hat, White Tie.
He lived long enough to be able to see his own songs go out of copyright, because his first hit was in 1911, with Alexander's Ragtime Band.
You know, "Come on and hear, come on and hear Alexander's Ragtime Band.
" They only go out of copyright after you're dead.
No, they do now, but in his day, it was 75 years after it was written.
Right.
So he lived long enough to see some of his songs go into the public domain.
Now it's 70 years after you've died.
How old was he when he wrote it? Early twenties.
But had this extraordinary talent.
Amazing.
There's a long list of things I have to get after this show.
There's the upside-down piano, the upside-down dinner, I mean, everything, yeah.
Yeah.
So, what did the man who knew everything think cats were good for? Well Catching mice.
Catching mice.
Isn't the man who knew everything Thomas Young? Well, there's various people who were given the title of the last man to know everything there was to know.
Erasmus, Leibnitz, Von Humboldt, and this man here, Kircher, his name is.
He was a German Jesuit, Athanasius Kircher.
And he certainly was very interested in lots of things, he was lowered into Vesuvius, he believed the Bubonic plague was caused by microbes, well ahead of germ theory.
Claimed falsely to have interpreted Egyptian hieroglyphics.
He regarded things like magnetism and love as branches of the same topic, attraction, which is a very QI way of looking at things, I like that.
Yeah.
But what are the cats doing? Well, we'll come to that.
Some things he got right.
He denied the possibility of flying tortoises.
I don't know who'd raised the possibility, but he damn well squashed it and said, no, there won't be such a thing as a flying tortoise.
Rubbish.
But he did invent the megaphone, and the Katzenklavier.
Klavier is in fact German for key, from Klaven, Latin, key, but it's a keyboard instrument.
The cat playing the piano, he invented You Tube.
I'm afraid, for cat-lovers it's a bit more disturbing than that.
Oh, cat string, gut string.
No, not cat gut, no, arrange live cats in the right order, according to their voice.
Oh.
And you play Drums.
And there you go.
Oh, brilliant.
That's awesome! Oh, if only they had YouTube back then.
The outrage on the comments page.
It's another thing for your list, isn't it.
It's on the list.
Yes, right up there.
You've got to get one of those.
Their tales are fixed in place underneath hammers, when a key is pressed, the hammer hits the corresponding, you can even get chords and of course there's dynamics.
The harder you hit, it the more of a yowl.
It wouldn't necessarily have to be cruel, you could get the same mechanism, but just have it sort of tickle the bollocks of a cat.
So it's more like As opposed to For a trill.
Yeah.
MIMICS CATS PLAYING 'HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGY IN THE WINDOW?' What do they think, that you have an A cat and a B cat? Yeah.
And a C cat? I guess you just go round.
But there are only six cats and there are more than six keys, so Well, that's true, that's a limited range, it's very Experimental music.
Experimental music.
All the other keys hit mice inside the box.
It's doubtful he actually built it, but he certainly wrote out the plans to one.
There are comparable records of pig organs, that Louis XI of France, had one made by the Abbot of Baigne.
There you are, getting ascending order of pig, pig, pig.
That's fantastic.
I like the woman singing along with them as well.
You think she's playing the pigs, but the pigs are playing her.
And as late as the mid-19th century, there was some instruments known variously as the Pig Organ, the Hog Harmonium, Pigano, the Porko Forte, or worst of all, the Swineway Grand.
So there you are, yes, several people have tried to make musical instruments out of live animals, although it doesn't really work very well in practice.
And now for the welcome return of a keynote of QI, a bit of General Ignorance very quickly.
Fingers on keypads.
Nicely flexed and name something written by Winston Churchill? Who was that? Yes? The Second World War.
Oh! Have another go.
He won the Nobel Prize, didn't he.
He won the Nobel Prize for Literature.
Yes, he did.
He wrote so much.
Our Prime Minister won the Nobel Prize for Literature, no question.
Winston Churchill did not write under the name Winston Churchill.
Our Prime Minister didn't.
Oh, that's right.
What did he write under the name of? Anne Bronte.
The Gathering Storm, by Anne Bronte.
Daphne du Maurier.
My early years.
Katie Price.
No, what's his full name? Do you remember his full? Spencer.
William Leonard Spencer Churchill.
Oh, Leonard.
So he wrote under the name of Winston S Churchill.
Because when he started writing, there was a very successful American novelist called Winston Churchill.
And so out of politeness to him he wrote to him this very complicated letter, which was sort of jokey, I think, he says - "Winston Churchill has no doubt that Mr Winston Churchill will recognise from this letter, "if indeed by no other means, "that there is grave danger of his works being mistaken for those of Mr Winston Churchill.
"He feels sure that Mr Winston Churchill desires this as little as he does himself.
"In future to avoid mistakes as far as possible, "Mr Winston Churchill has decided to sign all published articles, stories or other works, "Winston Spencer Churchill and not Winston Churchill as formerly.
"He trusts that this arrangement will commend itself to Mr Winston Churchill.
" And Winston Churchill replied, "Mr Winston Churchill appreciates the courtesy of Mr Winston Churchill "in adopting the name of Winston Spencer Churchill in his books, articles, etc.
"Mr Winston Churchill makes haste to add that had he possessed any other names, "he would certainly have adopted one of them.
" There you go.
So how polite.
That's so lovely.
I like the fact they refer to themselves in the third person.
Mr Churchill all the time, I know.
Now, what truly grim reading matter was banned in Germany after the War? Romantic comedies? Mills and Boon? "Say what you hear.
The clue is in the question.
" What was the question again? Say the question again.
What truly grim reading matter was? The Brothers Grimm.
Brothers Grimm.
Oh, right.
Because people believed that real savagery of the Grimm fairy tales had contributed to something that had turned the German people nasty, the perceived barbarity of the people.
The argument they'd fostered obedience, discipline, authoritarianism, nationalism, glorification of violence, all that kind of thing, became part of the national character.
According to a British Major, TJ Leonard, he said the fairytales had helped teach German children "all the varieties of barbarousness.
" Including light flannelling.
And it made them easy to fit the role of hangman, and so on and so forth.
One of the stories was called How Children Played Butcher With Each Other, which was really savage.
That was removed from the second edition.
And in the Frog King, the frog is not kissed by the princess, he's hurled against a wall with all the strength she has, to turn him into a prince.
A rather battered, bruised prince.
That'll do it.
Yeah.
At two miles an hour.
Two miles an hour, against a And he goes like that Argh! It was all he could do.
He's got little froggy arms.
Yeah.
On the other hand, there is a lyrical quality.
The last in the collection, you'll love this story.
There's a little poor boy goes out into a wintry forest to collect wood on a sled.
In the snow he finds a tiny key and next to it an iron box.
The boy inserts the key, he turns it, he lifts the lid.
SUSPENSEFUL TUNE PLAYS He lifts the lid TUNE CONTINUES End of story.
Oh, really? That's Pulp Fiction.
Exactly, it's the suitcase in Pulp Fiction, exactly what I thought of it.
The rest is up to your imagination, boys and girls.
What do you think was in that box? A frog.
Porn.
I think it was a stash of porn.
Yeah.
A flannel.
That's why I used to go into the woods.
Well, we've ended on a sour, bitter and very rude note.
Which is the way we like to end on QI.
Once again.
Yes, hurrah.
Which brings us to the scores.
And let's have a look.
My word, my goodness, my gracious, my goodness and my everything, in first place, with plus three, is Bill Bailey! Wow.
I've never won! How did you end up with plus three? Second place for a first timer, with minus eight, it's Isy.
Oh, well done.
Third place, on his first appearance, is really not bad, it's Tim Minchin.
And yes, in fourth place is Alan Davies! So that's it from Isy, Tim, Bill, Alan and me.
And good night.