Big Bang Theory s11e09 Episode Script

1 Why are they making four more Avatar movies? It's not like the first one is even that good.
What are you talking about? You love that movie.
You even went as Avatar for Halloween.
I remember.
That was not a lot of clothes.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm, uh, I'm running a special today, uh, buy something, keep having a comic book store to come to.
This is awkward.
I was actually gonna return this.
What's wrong with it? I-I finished it.
Speaking of something I find interesting, did anyone read that article about Bitcoin I sent you? Yeah, I can't believe a single Bitcoin is worth about $5,000 now.
Wait, didn't we mine some a few years ago? It was seven years ago.
Oh, yeah, I remember that.
Really? All I can remember from seven years ago is I couldn't get Kesha's "Tik Tok" out of my head.
Tik Tok, on the clock Whoa, welcome home, Kesha.
No, we-we definitely mined some.
I-I remember sitting in your bedroom and writing the program.
I think we ended up with a bunch of it.
Wow, and at, like, $5,000 apiece, that's Sounds like a lot of money, which we agreed to share 'cause I-I was totally there.
I remember now.
I can't believe we forgot about it.
It's not that surprising.
They were basically worthless when we got them.
I wish I knew how much we had.
Sheldon, you must remember.
Of course I do.
Oh, yeah, he and I totally remember.
You tell them, Sheldon.
I can't believe you haven't seen Avatar yet.
What is wrong with you? Penny and I just started dating, and you know I don't like big crowds.
Because you're afraid Penny will leave you for someone in them? Terrified.
Yes, instead of going out, they just stay home and have constant coitus.
Well, I didn't want to say it, but I-I do like to hear it.
Yes, Ma, I'll be home for dinner.
No, I'm not ruining my appetite with candy.
Oh, we're having brisket? (spits) Be home at 6:00.
Maybe we should double date.
I'll bring Penny and you can bring your mom.
Oh, make your jokes, but my date started a savings account for me.
Did yours? Hey, you guys.
OTHERS: Hey.
Oh, Stuart, good.
I was wondering, will you be accepting Bitcoin? Well, I don't know what that is, but it's got "coin" in it, and my cash register doesn't, so yeah.
Wait, what's Bitcoin? It's a new online currency that's been developed.
Uh, it's just like actual money, except you can't see it, hold it, or spend it on anything.
Sounds like the kind of money I'm familiar with.
If it's not tangible, how do you know it's not just gonna vanish tomorrow? Really? You're dating Penny, and you're gonna poke at something that could vanish tomorrow? I'll buy some Bitcoin.
I just came into a little extra money when my dad raised my allowance.
You don't have to buy Bitcoin.
You can mine it.
Mine it? Like, mining gold? Sort of.
There's a limited amount, and we find it, not by tunneling into the earth, but by using a computer to solve complex mathematical problems.
So let me get this straight.
We have to write an elaborate program in order to find a fake coin that we can't spend on anything? Yes.
That sounds fun.
Yeah, I'm in.
LEONARD: Staying up late, writing code, it sounds like a party.
Hey, Stuart.
You want to mine some Bitcoin with us? We'll write the program, you bring the snacks? Too rich for my blood.
All right, so just the four of us.
Before we begin, this may have some unprecedented tax implications.
In fact, we should start early 'cause we are gonna be on the phone with the IRS for hours.
(gasps) Did anybody else just get goose bumps? Great, so just the three of us.
Oh, yeah.
We did it without you.
And do you remember what happened next? Your mom called my mom and said we were being mean? And after that? You said that someday we'd regret this.
And do you know what today is? The day we found out we're rich and none of it is yours? (laughter, whooping) Yeah, that's right! Up top! Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! The Big Bang Theory 11x09 The Bitcoin Entanglement Original Air Dat Okay, this is the laptop I was using in 2010.
The Bitcoin must be on here.
So what are you gonna do with your share of the money? Uh, well, as a responsible adult, I'll put that money into a CD, wait for that CD to mature, and then buy a tiger.
How about you? Oh, that depends on whether I tell Bernadette or not.
BERNADETTE: Howard, I can hear you.
The baby monitor is on.
I know.
I was joking.
I'm gonna put it in a college fund.
All right, all booted up.
Wow, I-I knew you were single back then, but that is a lot of porn Science! A lot of science.
Wow, you were really into Asian science.
I don't see the Bitcoin on here.
Hey, maybe it's in that folder marked "Private and Confidential.
" BERNADETTE: It's not! Okay, the program is almost ready to run.
Mining for coins sounds so manly.
Ooh, we should sing a mining song.
Do you know a mining song? I don't know.
Does "Tik Tok" by Kesha count? Because it has tunneled its way into my heart.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Howard, what's going on?! Are you boys roughhousing?! No, we're not roughhousing! We're scientists! Scientists don't roughhouse! MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Excuse me, Mr.
Grown-up.
Aw, man, what happened? It crashed.
It's been doing that lately.
I think it's got a virus from all the music I've been downloading.
What kind of music? Mostly Asian.
Some oldies.
Well, we can use my laptop.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Howard, I made cookies for you and your little friends! They're not my little friends, and we don't want cookies! Actually, a cookie sounds good.
All right, we'll have cookies! Thank you very much! That's right.
It must be on my old laptop.
Well, let's go.
Hey, Bernie, you mind if I run to Leonard's and BERNADETTE: Get a laptop full of money? Why are you still here?! Go, go, go! So, how's the wedding planning going? Great.
Although, we're having trouble agreeing on a location.
I thought you were looking at a cliff on the beach.
We were, but Sheldon didn't like any of them.
Some were too beachy, some were too cliffy.
And all of them were too outsidey.
Well, weddings aren't about the location.
They're about standing up in front of your family and friends and promising that Sheldon will never move back in here.
Hi.
PENNY: Hey.
What are you guys doing? Uh, we have a bunch of Bitcoin on an old laptop, and it could be worth, like, a lot of money.
What-- You're kidding.
No.
We-we could be sitting on a fortune.
Okay, let the record show, I did not marry you for money, but you just got way more attractive.
Damn it, it's not in here.
If only you had someone around with an eidetic memory.
I bet they would know what happened to it.
If you know, just tell us.
Excuse me, but if I recall from seven years ago, you don't want me to be a part of this.
Sheldon, you can't still be mad.
Oh, please.
I have grudges that go back to preschool.
Someday, I'm gonna find a grown-up Elaine Dwyer and eat her favorite crayon while she watches.
Is that why there's an Elaine Dwyer on our guest list? Yes.
That night, I'm going to have the first dance and the last laugh.
Sheldon, please.
Should I be the bigger man? I think you should.
(snorts) Oh, why'd I ask you? Hey there, pretty lady.
I'm not waiting on your table for you.
Come on, this one is so annoying.
Excuse me, waitress.
You guys ready to order? Can you take our picture, please? Oh, sure.
Smile! Perfect.
Thank you.
You may go now.
It was nice to meet you, and I mean that politely, not sincerely.
What was that? I need to prove to my mother that I'm on a date.
If she thinks I faked the picture, I might need you as a witness.
What's your name? Bernadette.
PENNY: Hey, sweetie.
Hey.
Everybody good? - Yeah.
- Fine.
- Sure.
You don't have to whisper, you can just nod your head.
Or you could just speak.
You having a good day? No, I missed an audition because my computer broke, and I didn't get the e-mail.
Would've been a perfect part for me.
Was it waitress who ignores her customers? Because that's the role you were born to play.
Shut up and eat your burger.
Actually, it's a turkey club.
Didn't you order a burger? I did, and yet here we are.
You know what, if you need a computer, you can use my laptop.
Oh, that's sweet, but I'm not gonna take your computer.
Oh, it's fine.
I-I'm getting a new one anyway.
Are you sure? SHELDON: Don't be silly.
He's desperate to hold on to you.
You can get anything out of him.
His car, his watch Maybe a kidney.
You already have his testicles.
You can start a collection.
Oh, my God, that's right.
You gave me your laptop.
That was so sweet.
So you know where it is? Of course.
- All right! - Yes! - Great! I gave it to my ex-boyfriend Zack.
- Come on! - Why?! - No! PENNY: Okay, Zack, thank you so much.
We'll be right over.
He still has it.
I can't believe you took a gift from me and gave it to another man.
SHELDON: Really? Of all the things she's given to other men, that's what you're concerned about? Please don't make a big deal about this.
It was a long time ago, we were broken up.
Which breakup was that? Was that the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre? No, no.
This might've been during the Comic-Con Dump-A-Thon.
You have names for our breakups? Well, they would really blur together if we didn't.
The Comic-Con breakup's easy to remember because Leonard was the saddest Pikachu.
Right, and he wiped his nose on your cape, and then you were the saddest Darth Vader.
You know, Penny and I aren't the only ones who've broken up.
So did Howard and Bernadette.
Uh, not to brag, but all my breakups have lasted.
I'm so sorry to hear about you and Howard.
Thanks.
I just didn't think he was the kind of guy who would be doing weird stuff online.
Really? Wow, I thought it was so obvious, but okay.
Look, I know it's hard, but I think the best thing to do after a breakup is to take some time and be by yourself.
Yeah, that's healthy.
Hey, babe, ready to go? Do as I say, not as I do.
I cannot believe you're mad.
I'm not mad.
Oh, really? Tell that to your eyebrows.
Bet I could place a quarter between them, and it would just stay there.
Fine, I'm mad.
I guess I was more upset by our breakup than you.
That is not true.
Of course I was upset.
Didn't seem like it.
You started dating the first tall, handsome hunk you could find.
I'm sorry, are you mad that I dated Zack or that you didn't? - Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey, Zack.
So good to see you guys.
Man, we should do this more often.
Come over to get laptops back from you? Totally.
So do you have it? Of course I do.
Penny gave it to me as a gift.
You don't get rid of something like that.
Huh.
All right, I'm sorry I gave away your stupid laptop.
You should be.
We were broken up for, like, five minutes.
Are you guys fighting? Yeah.
No.
Are you fighting about whether or not you're fighting? 'Cause I've had that fight before.
Turns out we were, and I lost.
Leonard thinks when we broke up, it didn't bother me.
ZACK: That's crazy.
When we were going out, she used to talk about you all the time.
In fact, I think she only dated me because I reminded her of you.
Sure.
Because we're both people? Damn right we are.
Oh, also, there was that video about how much she missed you.
What video? The one on the laptop.
I didn't mean to invade your privacy, but I am a huge snoop.
Ask my neighbor.
She'll tell you.
But not right now; she's in the shower.
(clears throat) (slurring): Hello, Leonard.
I was gonna write you an e-mail, but I'm a little drunk, and spelling is a sober person's game, so I feel I owe you a 'splanation.
I-- I'm sorry.
A 'splanation.
(knock on door) SHELDON: Penny.
(knocking) Penny.
(knocking) Penny.
Sheldon, go away.
I'm making a video.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll come back when you're alone.
No, no, no.
I am alone.
I'm just telling Leonard why I broke up with him.
Oh, he knows.
The video I want to see is why you went out with him in the first place.
I went out with him because he's great.
And if I kept going out with him, I probably would've married him, and that's a little scary because I just don't think I'm ready for that.
You know, plus I have got to learn how to spell Hofstadter.
I-I know there's a "D" in there, but it keeps moving every time I try and write it.
Sheldon, what do I do? Try to pass out facedown, so you don't choke on your vomit.
I am not gonna pass out.
But thank you anyway.
Wow.
I know.
There's, like, two more hours of her just lying there.
Aw, you love me so much.
I married you, jackass.
I I know, and not just out of pity like everyone said in their wedding toast.
You want to see the part where she falls off the chair? No.
Totally.
(thud) That's my wife.
I got to see that again.
Got the laptop.
Hand it here.
Oh, this is so exciting! Hey, when we sell the Bitcoin, are you gonna pay your dad back all the money you took from him over the years? Never even crossed my mind.
Okay, here's the Bitcoin folder.
Yeah, how much is in there? It's empty.
What? Th-That's impossible.
(stammers) Do you think Zack stole it? No, he doesn't know how to steal Bitcoin.
I mean, he waves at trucks.
Hmm who could it have been? Sheldon, what did you do? I plotted my revenge.
If you get a dish, I'll serve you some cold.
What, y-you stole our Bitcoin? Oh, calm down.
All I did was sneak onto your computer and download your Bitcoin onto a flash drive.
What? I'm not keeping it.
I just wanted to watch you sweat.
If you want to watch him sweat, walk up a flight of stairs with him.
I've waited seven long years, but it finally happened.
Where's our money? That's the best part.
It's on the Batman flash drive on your key chain.
You've had it in your pocket all along.
Sheldon I lost that key chain years ago.
Really? D-D-Did you look under things? Well, that is unfortunate.
I guess we've all learned a lesson today.
What was the lesson? I don't know.
STUART: Huh.
What's that? Ooh, Batman flash drive.
Pretty cool.
Huh, if I erase this, I could probably resell it for, like, ten bucks.
Things are finally going my way.