Modern Family s11e10 Episode Script
The Prescott
1 This one's from me.
The ribboning isn't my best I have carpal tunnel.
My new company is putting me up at The Prescott, a luxury residence with full amenities.
I admit, this extravagant lifestyle can make me a little uncomfortable.
Gentle, Marta! Another candle.
Thanks, everyone.
GLORIA: Alex, you should know that a crook works at the hair salon downstairs Adolfo of Venice.
Isn't he the colorist to the stars? Thank you for asking even though I know you know.
I hate him.
Adolfo of Venice is actually Alan Carpman of Bakersfield.
We started as hairdressers together, but he stole my hair dye formula.
For a family of generally lovely people, we sure have a lot of rivals.
You know what, it's been fun, but it's time to go.
You haven't even opened the candle that Cam and I got you.
And don't we get a tour of the building? This place has everything.
Um, an archery range, a shark tank, a a Westworld? Sorry, I've got a huge project due.
We can always just explore on our own.
Actually, you can't.
There's a strict "no unaccompanied guests" policy.
I violate that, they kick me out.
I'll have the valet fetch your cars.
Oh, you can do that from here? Yeah, everything's automated.
You just need a resident ID code.
[KEYPAD BEEPING.]
- [BEEPING STOPS.]
- [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
[BEEPING RESUMES.]
- Bye, Phil.
- Bye.
All right, well, I parked on the street, so I'll just meet you at home.
- Bye, Claire.
- I need to run to the mall.
Would you pick up some steaks from the farmers market for tonight? Oh, so you did remember it's date night.
I was a little worried after your response to my Paperless Post.
Oh, come on.
You know my maybes always turn into will attends.
[CHUCKLING.]
Okay.
Aww.
When was the last time that you and I cooked a romantic dinner together? We did it last week.
I'm not talking about sprinkling hot dog slices on a DiGiorno's.
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
You couldn't bring my car before I got in trouble? [TIRES SQUEAL.]
Thank you.
[KEYPAD BEEPS, COMPUTER CHIRPS.]
PHIL: I've been secretly moonlighting as an online food blogger, "Foodie in a Hoodie" it rhymes on the page.
I've quickly developed a huge following, and The Prescott is home to the city's hottest restaurant, called Pardon.
Hello.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Ah, good day, sir.
Forgive me.
I'm new here.
Still getting to know each of the tenants.
I'm your concierge, Higgins.
You look so familiar.
Have we met? 'Fraid not, no.
I do get that a lot, though.
I have an everyman face and body.
[WHIRRING.]
[WHISPERING.]
They're rising.
Ah, yes, Finley.
Patrols the building for non-residents using a motion sensor and face scanner.
Useful, yes, but does he have that uniquely human ability to anticipate a person's every need? Coconut water? I didn't even know I wanted this! - Finley, away! - [FINLEY BEEPS.]
Anything else I can help you with, sir? Uh no.
I'm just headed down to the restaurant.
[FRENCH ACCENT.]
Pardon? Your in-house eatery.
Pardon? You know uh, waiters, cutlery, daily specials.
I think it's called Pardon.
Of course.
My mistake.
It's all right.
Right this way.
Avoiding the security robot would be tricky, but Finley had a weakness he can only detect people if they're moving.
And it was worth the risk Pardon claimed to have the world's best beef slider, and my my followers are dying for a review.
Well, all but one.
I have a troll.
Screen name "Close to Utlaw," wherever that is.
We recently got into a a heated comment war.
Insults were hurled, mothers disparaged.
Who knew the Internet could be so negative? Table for one.
I live here.
Something just opened up.
Great, lead the way.
I live here.
[KEYPAD BEEPS, COMPUTER CHIRPS.]
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS.]
Hi.
Uh, I'm new here.
Could you lead me to the screening room? I should think so.
At the butler academy, I led my class in leading.
This way.
Recently, I got a special edition Blu-ray of the best movie ever made, "Lawrence of Arabia.
" Word is, The Prescott has a state-of-the-art screening room with surround sound.
Know what it doesn't have? Manny.
Hello! I would've gone with a tracking shot there.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
I sure hope he finds a plot out there in that desert.
Behold, our famous candy wall.
Hey, Sugar Babies.
- Yes, honey buns? - No, Sugar Babies.
The greatest movie candy of all time.
A thousand apologies.
I will track some down for you straight away.
- You wouldn't mind? - Mind? Please.
There is no greater joy than fetching something I've never heard of for someone I've only just met.
May I help you with something? Oh.
Uh, no, I'm just I'm waiting for someone.
And his name is David Beckham.
Resident at The Prescott.
Okay, Mitchell hates it when I do this, but every time I meet a celebrity, I ask them to record my outgoing message.
My current one is from when I saw Snoop Dogg at a bank.
CAMERON: Sorry I missed you.
As you can see SNOOP DOGG: I'm busy! And sometimes things can Get away from me! Please leave a message, including your phone number, - just for - Security! [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Hey, sweetie, what's up? I'm I'm kind of busy.
MITCHELL: Cam, I'm hurt.
It's my leg.
- What? - I slipped in the food court, and I'm all sticky and tweens are laughing at me.
You have to come pick me up.
Well, that sounds awful, but [SIGHS.]
Isn't Isn't Claire closer? Well, you're at the farmers market right down the street.
Okay, fine.
I'm on my way.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Aww, you're the best.
I was not gonna let Cam ruin my chance to thank my wallpaper, Victoria Beckham, one-on-one.
Okay, so, it was 1997.
I was in Detroit for a Spice Girls concert with my girlfriend.
I was going to propose to her, had the ring in my pocket and everything, when from the stage, Posh looked right at me and said, [BRITISH ACCENT.]
"Be true to yourself, Mitchell!" [NORMAL VOICE.]
Okay, you know, she might've said "Michigan," but she was looking right at me! She inspired me to come out that night.
I had that diamond reset as an anklet charm, and I was off to the races.
[CHUCKLES.]
What kind of gym bag is that, anyway? It's a satchel, you ignorant sneeze.
You have been so unpleasant lately.
On a definitely related note, Manny hasn't gotten any action in months.
Well, other than whatever gave him carpal tunnel.
Luckily, The Prescott has an '80s aerobi-cise class, which will be full of single older ladies.
Women hit a sweet spot right after 40 where they still look great but their standards have lowered.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
You're in pretty good shape for someone who's 42? 43? I'm 38.
Bye.
Higgins.
Oh, Mr.
Beckham.
Apologies.
Blind as a bat without these bad boys.
So, myself and Courteney are expecting a bowling instructor.
Would you have him meet us downstairs at the bowling alley, please? You and Ms.
Cox getting an edge for this weekend's celebrity bowl-a-thon? Oh, we'll need it.
You should've seen the way he bowled last year.
I mean, it is to raise money for charity.
Yeah, a dollar for each of the 18 pins that you knocked down.
Thanks to you, Doctors Without Borders are now Doctors Without Malaria Pills.
A bit harsh.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Did you see the two friends in the back? The blond one liked me, and the brunette kept staring at you.
Can you blame her? No one moves to "Caribbean Queen" like me.
Ah, just who I was told to be on the lookout for.
A certain couple have asked that you meet them in the bowling alley.
Was it a blonde and a brunette? Indeed, and they seemed eager to get rolling.
Bowling alley? These girls are freaky.
Hair salon? - Just off the courtyard to your right.
- Thank you.
I've always wanted to dye my hair dark.
But there's only one colorist I would trust to do it Adolfo of Venice.
Gloria's sworn enemy.
I just have to sneak back in and do it without her knowing.
- [BEEP, BEEP.]
- Oh! [BEEP, COMPUTER CHIRPS.]
[FACETIME RINGING.]
ALEX: Hi, Mom.
Hi, Alex.
Hey, honey.
So, how's the project going? I'm never gonna make this deadline.
Oh, yeah, no, that that that's tough I'm sorry sorry to hear that.
- Work is so stressful.
- [BEEP, COMPUTER CHIRPS.]
- I'm glad you called, I'm actually - Yeah, got to go, love you! Bye! [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
The pool? Just hop on the elevator and press the big button marked "pool.
" I am known as the fearless one of the family.
So, when Claire gave us all free passes for the Fun Town Water Park next week, I couldn't admit that I am afraid of slides.
They go so fast, I feel like I'm going to fly off.
I just need to try it once and I am going to be fine.
I cannot do it! Hey, no backsies! [GROANS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Okay, here I go! [SCREAMS.]
You should have let me do backsies! - [TABLET CHIMES.]
- FEMALE VOICE: Resident ID access hair salon.
What? Who's using my code?! [SCOFFS.]
[BAD ITALIAN ACCENT.]
You a-look like that a-actress Audrey Hepburn.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
[LINE RINGING.]
- This is Phil Dunphy.
Leave a message.
- [BEEP.]
Phil, I have a little surprise for you later.
Let's just say I know how much you love brunettes.
- Here's a menu for you.
- Thank you.
And for my followers an Instagram tease.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
Your Sugar Babies, sir.
I hope it wasn't too much trouble.
On the contrary.
There was a Mexican birthday celebration taking place in the park across the street.
I waited for the crack of the piñata, mixed in seamlessly with the children, and pounced.
- [GROANS.]
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
He's here?! Some moron food blogger took a shot at one of my favorite spots.
So I go after him using my screen name, "Closet Outlaw.
" It escalates, and he turns his army of followers against me.
As I wrote in my last comment "Let's see how well my fist pairs with your face.
" - [SIGHS.]
- [TABLET CHIMES.]
The bowling alley?! [LAPTOP SLAMS.]
Alex is here?! If she sees us, she'll throw us out.
Excuse me.
If that blonde and brunette come by, could you tell them there's a new meet-up spot? The hot tubs on the rooftop.
Of course, warm things up a bit before your workout.
If there's nothing else, I need to make sure these balls are marked with their correct weights.
[SCOFFS.]
Hi.
Size 10 for him and anything with a steel toe for me.
Someone drops his ball a lot.
There has been a change of plan.
Your bowling instructor would now like you to meet him in the hot tubs for a warmup first.
- Meet you up there? - Yep.
If you're calling the charity for a new partner, it's not gonna work.
They already made the posters.
- Ready to order? - Very.
I came to this restaurant for one thing and one thing only.
[FINLEY WHIRRING.]
[SCANNER CLICKING.]
And that thing is? Sorry.
Uh, one of your world fa [WHIRRING, CLICKING.]
One of our world's fattest hot dogs coming up.
No! The The slider.
And how would you like it? - Me - [WHIRRING, CLICKING.]
- Yes, you, sir.
- dium rare.
And can you have it delivered to the pool, please? - Of course.
- [WATCH CHIMES.]
- Okay, that slider goes to the pool, - [WATCH CHIMES.]
and it looks like we need one for Mr.
Beckham to the roof.
You seen a guy in a black hoodie? - Just left.
- Thanks.
Oh, I'll be back.
I'm dying to try one of your world's fattest hot dogs.
[HORN HONKS.]
[LINE RINGING.]
[BREATHLESSLY.]
Hey, you here at the mall? No, not yet.
Why are you breathing so hard? Oh, um, a bunch of kids were vaping next to me, and I had to army-crawl into a-a candle store.
Yeah.
Is there anything you want while I'm here? Can I tell you what I want, what I really, really want? You're watching me right now, aren't you? Oh Cam, okay, look.
I was hoping I'd run into Posh here at the gym for a private moment, okay? Look, we're both after the Beckhams.
Let's come up with a plan together Meet me at the swim-up bar.
There's a swim-up bar?! I know, we should be living here and Alex should be living in our stupid house.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS.]
JAY: Hey! [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Higgins, I need you! Where are you?! [GRUNTING.]
A spot of bother, I see? I can't do it! Oh, of course you can.
I'll just crawl in front of you so you can grab me around the waist.
I apologize in advance for any giggling.
I'm cursed with the tickle gene.
What's going on? Someone's stuck on the slide.
She tried to climb back down, but - No backsies, I get it.
- Yeah.
Oh, oh, oh! That's for me.
Thank you.
- But it goes too fast! - Oh, no, don't worry.
I shall vary the flex of my buttocks to control our speed.
We should be [LAUGHS.]
No! [WHIMPERS.]
My deepest apologies! Oh, no! Okay.
[SCREAMING.]
Noooo!! [LAUGHS.]
That one's sorted.
[WATCH CHIMES.]
I need some sparkling water sent up to the hot tub cabanas.
Can't say for whom, but let's include a glass of champagne in case his posh wife joins him.
Easy.
- Easy.
- [CLICK, AIR WHIRRING.]
Come on! Higgins! Hey, hey.
Um, listen I need your help getting my hands on the slider.
The slider? Oh, of course.
Quite a looker, that one.
Well, that's the problem so far, I've only been able to look and not taste.
Say no more.
I shall find a way to deliver the slider to you.
Great! Um, is there somewhere private where I could enjoy the slider alone? Might I suggest one of our rooftop hot tubs overlooking the city? Perfect, I'll wait there.
And I'll I'll need a bib I can make a mess.
[LETTUCE SNAPS.]
Still crisp.
He's close.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS.]
How'd I get back here? Ah, Posh.
Thank you.
Your husband has asked that you meet him up in one of the rooftop hot tubs for some champagne.
Phil.
Hi.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
[SIGHS.]
Higgins! The slides aren't the enemy.
Fear is.
It's always a thrill to see one of my residents grow.
By the way, a certain mystery man has spotted you around the building and has requested your presence on the roof.
[GASPS.]
Jay's finally doing something romantic! Just when I thought he was a clueless grouch.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
How many lobbies does this place have?! Excuse me.
Where can I find a bathing suit? Oh, there are complimentary suits in all of the cabanas.
- Ooh.
- Worry not, I boil them myself nightly.
Ah.
Let's see a robot do that.
Hi, Higgins.
We have a bit of an unusual request.
Now, we know you need to be discreet, but we are hoping to have a rendezvous - with a certain distinguished Brit.
- Hmm? Consider it arranged.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Still no sign of the ladies.
Maybe they're in a different cabana.
Mine's here.
Let's wait for the blonde.
I only know how to do this with even numbers.
Hello, Mr.
Robot! Can you tell me where to go for my romantic surprise? Gloria?! [INHALES DEEPLY.]
Now mine's here, but yours is gone.
Now they're both gone! They'll be back.
Maybe one of them had a nanny emergency.
Let's wait for them in there.
- Slider? - Arriving shortly.
Cabana 3.
Thank you.
[CURTAIN OPENS.]
Here we are, then.
Higgins, what are you doing?! Oh, role play.
[COCKNEY ACCENT.]
I know I am but a lowly stable boy, unwanted in the master's quarters, but perhaps you'd like to teach me a lesson? Just stay away from the face.
Uh, obviously there's been some sort of misunderstanding.
Yeah, do we look like the kind of people that would be into some sort of weird role play involving a stable boy? I'm assuming he's been naughty and would do anything to keep his job.
Cam Cam? In my defense, I do get this request quite often.
Particularly around the holidays.
Actually, um we were hoping to meet a certain celebrity couple.
- Yeah.
- Say no more.
I make no promises, but let me just wriggle back into my shorts and make some inquiries.
[WATER SPLASHING.]
Ah, wonderful timing! Please step into Cabana 3 your mystery man awaits.
[GIGGLES.]
[CURTAIN OPENS.]
[SIGHS.]
Hi.
I know that you and I aren't supposed to be here, but after today, I am tired of living a life of fear.
Was Gloria Claire's brunette surprise? It all started when Claire gave me a free pass to Fun Town.
I thought, just try it today.
Take a ride, see how it feels.
Oh.
I never noticed how sexy your feet are.
- Thank you, but this isn't happening, Gloria! - [SCREAMS.]
[CURTAIN OPENS.]
Oh, there you are.
Sorry we missed you at the bowling alley.
She looked different with a headband on.
Warming up in a hot tub first Unconventional, but, hey, anything to loosen up Becks.
Did we meet a Becky? Maybe.
There were so many of them.
So, how old is this Becks? It's on.
Oh, there you are.
Wait you're Becks? Yep, and I'm eager to learn.
A warning my form is clumsy, but I'm great on my feet.
[CURTAIN OPENS.]
[SIGHS.]
Okay, who gets the dude? This never happened.
Fine, I'll take him.
But we're just gonna hang out and see where it goes.
Mmm! Pardon the interruption.
It looks like you're finished with the slider? I am, and can I be honest? I prefer bigger buns.
It's wonderful to just talk like men sometimes, isn't it? It is.
Jay, what are you doing here? I've spent the whole day looking for that miserable You're the Foodie in a Who-dy?! W-Why would you say that? [SNIFFS.]
Ketchup! I'm trying, but I'm lost! You insulted my mother! Oh, my God.
You're Close to Utlaw?! It's Closet Outlaw! Jay, I don't blame you for being mad.
I-I turned my legions of fans against you, and, uh It's Foodie in a Hoodie, by by the way.
But you got a bigger problem at home that I just heard about, and I think I can help you with it.
- Claire? - Oh! Gloria.
I can't believe you recognized me.
I'm so sorry about my hair.
I'm so glad that we can finally talk about it.
Grow it out, let yourself be a girl.
HIGGINS: Okay, final set of instructions on a day that will no doubt be a memorable chapter in my forthcoming memoir, "You Rang?" You, Cabana 2.
You, Cabana 3.
- [GIGGLES.]
- Oh.
[GASPS.]
You are romantic.
Honey, if you don't like my hair, I can change it.
What? I love it.
Maybe next week I can arrange a little rendezvous with a redhead.
[CHUCKLES.]
O-Okay.
I'm glad we cleared that up.
I can't wait for my bowling lesson with you.
Oh, my God.
Foot-y in a Hoodie was here today.
Ah, you're great.
When does Posh get here? And I apologize for being late.
You know, I-I left a message.
I'm sorry I missed your call.
- Can you say that one more time? - [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Um So, I got a few incidental charges from yesterday.
$200 for Sugar Baby procurements.
- Sorry.
- Eight sliders and one coconut water? He charged me for that? $300 for a slide rescue.
$40 fine for the non-wiping of stationary bike.
I barely sweat.
You're sweating right now.
A $150 fine for the non-return of leg warmers.
And eight $100 Westworld entry fees? [GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
We left Cam there! Oh, no!
The ribboning isn't my best I have carpal tunnel.
My new company is putting me up at The Prescott, a luxury residence with full amenities.
I admit, this extravagant lifestyle can make me a little uncomfortable.
Gentle, Marta! Another candle.
Thanks, everyone.
GLORIA: Alex, you should know that a crook works at the hair salon downstairs Adolfo of Venice.
Isn't he the colorist to the stars? Thank you for asking even though I know you know.
I hate him.
Adolfo of Venice is actually Alan Carpman of Bakersfield.
We started as hairdressers together, but he stole my hair dye formula.
For a family of generally lovely people, we sure have a lot of rivals.
You know what, it's been fun, but it's time to go.
You haven't even opened the candle that Cam and I got you.
And don't we get a tour of the building? This place has everything.
Um, an archery range, a shark tank, a a Westworld? Sorry, I've got a huge project due.
We can always just explore on our own.
Actually, you can't.
There's a strict "no unaccompanied guests" policy.
I violate that, they kick me out.
I'll have the valet fetch your cars.
Oh, you can do that from here? Yeah, everything's automated.
You just need a resident ID code.
[KEYPAD BEEPING.]
- [BEEPING STOPS.]
- [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
[BEEPING RESUMES.]
- Bye, Phil.
- Bye.
All right, well, I parked on the street, so I'll just meet you at home.
- Bye, Claire.
- I need to run to the mall.
Would you pick up some steaks from the farmers market for tonight? Oh, so you did remember it's date night.
I was a little worried after your response to my Paperless Post.
Oh, come on.
You know my maybes always turn into will attends.
[CHUCKLING.]
Okay.
Aww.
When was the last time that you and I cooked a romantic dinner together? We did it last week.
I'm not talking about sprinkling hot dog slices on a DiGiorno's.
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
You couldn't bring my car before I got in trouble? [TIRES SQUEAL.]
Thank you.
[KEYPAD BEEPS, COMPUTER CHIRPS.]
PHIL: I've been secretly moonlighting as an online food blogger, "Foodie in a Hoodie" it rhymes on the page.
I've quickly developed a huge following, and The Prescott is home to the city's hottest restaurant, called Pardon.
Hello.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Ah, good day, sir.
Forgive me.
I'm new here.
Still getting to know each of the tenants.
I'm your concierge, Higgins.
You look so familiar.
Have we met? 'Fraid not, no.
I do get that a lot, though.
I have an everyman face and body.
[WHIRRING.]
[WHISPERING.]
They're rising.
Ah, yes, Finley.
Patrols the building for non-residents using a motion sensor and face scanner.
Useful, yes, but does he have that uniquely human ability to anticipate a person's every need? Coconut water? I didn't even know I wanted this! - Finley, away! - [FINLEY BEEPS.]
Anything else I can help you with, sir? Uh no.
I'm just headed down to the restaurant.
[FRENCH ACCENT.]
Pardon? Your in-house eatery.
Pardon? You know uh, waiters, cutlery, daily specials.
I think it's called Pardon.
Of course.
My mistake.
It's all right.
Right this way.
Avoiding the security robot would be tricky, but Finley had a weakness he can only detect people if they're moving.
And it was worth the risk Pardon claimed to have the world's best beef slider, and my my followers are dying for a review.
Well, all but one.
I have a troll.
Screen name "Close to Utlaw," wherever that is.
We recently got into a a heated comment war.
Insults were hurled, mothers disparaged.
Who knew the Internet could be so negative? Table for one.
I live here.
Something just opened up.
Great, lead the way.
I live here.
[KEYPAD BEEPS, COMPUTER CHIRPS.]
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS.]
Hi.
Uh, I'm new here.
Could you lead me to the screening room? I should think so.
At the butler academy, I led my class in leading.
This way.
Recently, I got a special edition Blu-ray of the best movie ever made, "Lawrence of Arabia.
" Word is, The Prescott has a state-of-the-art screening room with surround sound.
Know what it doesn't have? Manny.
Hello! I would've gone with a tracking shot there.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
I sure hope he finds a plot out there in that desert.
Behold, our famous candy wall.
Hey, Sugar Babies.
- Yes, honey buns? - No, Sugar Babies.
The greatest movie candy of all time.
A thousand apologies.
I will track some down for you straight away.
- You wouldn't mind? - Mind? Please.
There is no greater joy than fetching something I've never heard of for someone I've only just met.
May I help you with something? Oh.
Uh, no, I'm just I'm waiting for someone.
And his name is David Beckham.
Resident at The Prescott.
Okay, Mitchell hates it when I do this, but every time I meet a celebrity, I ask them to record my outgoing message.
My current one is from when I saw Snoop Dogg at a bank.
CAMERON: Sorry I missed you.
As you can see SNOOP DOGG: I'm busy! And sometimes things can Get away from me! Please leave a message, including your phone number, - just for - Security! [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Hey, sweetie, what's up? I'm I'm kind of busy.
MITCHELL: Cam, I'm hurt.
It's my leg.
- What? - I slipped in the food court, and I'm all sticky and tweens are laughing at me.
You have to come pick me up.
Well, that sounds awful, but [SIGHS.]
Isn't Isn't Claire closer? Well, you're at the farmers market right down the street.
Okay, fine.
I'm on my way.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Aww, you're the best.
I was not gonna let Cam ruin my chance to thank my wallpaper, Victoria Beckham, one-on-one.
Okay, so, it was 1997.
I was in Detroit for a Spice Girls concert with my girlfriend.
I was going to propose to her, had the ring in my pocket and everything, when from the stage, Posh looked right at me and said, [BRITISH ACCENT.]
"Be true to yourself, Mitchell!" [NORMAL VOICE.]
Okay, you know, she might've said "Michigan," but she was looking right at me! She inspired me to come out that night.
I had that diamond reset as an anklet charm, and I was off to the races.
[CHUCKLES.]
What kind of gym bag is that, anyway? It's a satchel, you ignorant sneeze.
You have been so unpleasant lately.
On a definitely related note, Manny hasn't gotten any action in months.
Well, other than whatever gave him carpal tunnel.
Luckily, The Prescott has an '80s aerobi-cise class, which will be full of single older ladies.
Women hit a sweet spot right after 40 where they still look great but their standards have lowered.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
You're in pretty good shape for someone who's 42? 43? I'm 38.
Bye.
Higgins.
Oh, Mr.
Beckham.
Apologies.
Blind as a bat without these bad boys.
So, myself and Courteney are expecting a bowling instructor.
Would you have him meet us downstairs at the bowling alley, please? You and Ms.
Cox getting an edge for this weekend's celebrity bowl-a-thon? Oh, we'll need it.
You should've seen the way he bowled last year.
I mean, it is to raise money for charity.
Yeah, a dollar for each of the 18 pins that you knocked down.
Thanks to you, Doctors Without Borders are now Doctors Without Malaria Pills.
A bit harsh.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Did you see the two friends in the back? The blond one liked me, and the brunette kept staring at you.
Can you blame her? No one moves to "Caribbean Queen" like me.
Ah, just who I was told to be on the lookout for.
A certain couple have asked that you meet them in the bowling alley.
Was it a blonde and a brunette? Indeed, and they seemed eager to get rolling.
Bowling alley? These girls are freaky.
Hair salon? - Just off the courtyard to your right.
- Thank you.
I've always wanted to dye my hair dark.
But there's only one colorist I would trust to do it Adolfo of Venice.
Gloria's sworn enemy.
I just have to sneak back in and do it without her knowing.
- [BEEP, BEEP.]
- Oh! [BEEP, COMPUTER CHIRPS.]
[FACETIME RINGING.]
ALEX: Hi, Mom.
Hi, Alex.
Hey, honey.
So, how's the project going? I'm never gonna make this deadline.
Oh, yeah, no, that that that's tough I'm sorry sorry to hear that.
- Work is so stressful.
- [BEEP, COMPUTER CHIRPS.]
- I'm glad you called, I'm actually - Yeah, got to go, love you! Bye! [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
The pool? Just hop on the elevator and press the big button marked "pool.
" I am known as the fearless one of the family.
So, when Claire gave us all free passes for the Fun Town Water Park next week, I couldn't admit that I am afraid of slides.
They go so fast, I feel like I'm going to fly off.
I just need to try it once and I am going to be fine.
I cannot do it! Hey, no backsies! [GROANS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Okay, here I go! [SCREAMS.]
You should have let me do backsies! - [TABLET CHIMES.]
- FEMALE VOICE: Resident ID access hair salon.
What? Who's using my code?! [SCOFFS.]
[BAD ITALIAN ACCENT.]
You a-look like that a-actress Audrey Hepburn.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
[LINE RINGING.]
- This is Phil Dunphy.
Leave a message.
- [BEEP.]
Phil, I have a little surprise for you later.
Let's just say I know how much you love brunettes.
- Here's a menu for you.
- Thank you.
And for my followers an Instagram tease.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
Your Sugar Babies, sir.
I hope it wasn't too much trouble.
On the contrary.
There was a Mexican birthday celebration taking place in the park across the street.
I waited for the crack of the piñata, mixed in seamlessly with the children, and pounced.
- [GROANS.]
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
He's here?! Some moron food blogger took a shot at one of my favorite spots.
So I go after him using my screen name, "Closet Outlaw.
" It escalates, and he turns his army of followers against me.
As I wrote in my last comment "Let's see how well my fist pairs with your face.
" - [SIGHS.]
- [TABLET CHIMES.]
The bowling alley?! [LAPTOP SLAMS.]
Alex is here?! If she sees us, she'll throw us out.
Excuse me.
If that blonde and brunette come by, could you tell them there's a new meet-up spot? The hot tubs on the rooftop.
Of course, warm things up a bit before your workout.
If there's nothing else, I need to make sure these balls are marked with their correct weights.
[SCOFFS.]
Hi.
Size 10 for him and anything with a steel toe for me.
Someone drops his ball a lot.
There has been a change of plan.
Your bowling instructor would now like you to meet him in the hot tubs for a warmup first.
- Meet you up there? - Yep.
If you're calling the charity for a new partner, it's not gonna work.
They already made the posters.
- Ready to order? - Very.
I came to this restaurant for one thing and one thing only.
[FINLEY WHIRRING.]
[SCANNER CLICKING.]
And that thing is? Sorry.
Uh, one of your world fa [WHIRRING, CLICKING.]
One of our world's fattest hot dogs coming up.
No! The The slider.
And how would you like it? - Me - [WHIRRING, CLICKING.]
- Yes, you, sir.
- dium rare.
And can you have it delivered to the pool, please? - Of course.
- [WATCH CHIMES.]
- Okay, that slider goes to the pool, - [WATCH CHIMES.]
and it looks like we need one for Mr.
Beckham to the roof.
You seen a guy in a black hoodie? - Just left.
- Thanks.
Oh, I'll be back.
I'm dying to try one of your world's fattest hot dogs.
[HORN HONKS.]
[LINE RINGING.]
[BREATHLESSLY.]
Hey, you here at the mall? No, not yet.
Why are you breathing so hard? Oh, um, a bunch of kids were vaping next to me, and I had to army-crawl into a-a candle store.
Yeah.
Is there anything you want while I'm here? Can I tell you what I want, what I really, really want? You're watching me right now, aren't you? Oh Cam, okay, look.
I was hoping I'd run into Posh here at the gym for a private moment, okay? Look, we're both after the Beckhams.
Let's come up with a plan together Meet me at the swim-up bar.
There's a swim-up bar?! I know, we should be living here and Alex should be living in our stupid house.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS.]
JAY: Hey! [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Higgins, I need you! Where are you?! [GRUNTING.]
A spot of bother, I see? I can't do it! Oh, of course you can.
I'll just crawl in front of you so you can grab me around the waist.
I apologize in advance for any giggling.
I'm cursed with the tickle gene.
What's going on? Someone's stuck on the slide.
She tried to climb back down, but - No backsies, I get it.
- Yeah.
Oh, oh, oh! That's for me.
Thank you.
- But it goes too fast! - Oh, no, don't worry.
I shall vary the flex of my buttocks to control our speed.
We should be [LAUGHS.]
No! [WHIMPERS.]
My deepest apologies! Oh, no! Okay.
[SCREAMING.]
Noooo!! [LAUGHS.]
That one's sorted.
[WATCH CHIMES.]
I need some sparkling water sent up to the hot tub cabanas.
Can't say for whom, but let's include a glass of champagne in case his posh wife joins him.
Easy.
- Easy.
- [CLICK, AIR WHIRRING.]
Come on! Higgins! Hey, hey.
Um, listen I need your help getting my hands on the slider.
The slider? Oh, of course.
Quite a looker, that one.
Well, that's the problem so far, I've only been able to look and not taste.
Say no more.
I shall find a way to deliver the slider to you.
Great! Um, is there somewhere private where I could enjoy the slider alone? Might I suggest one of our rooftop hot tubs overlooking the city? Perfect, I'll wait there.
And I'll I'll need a bib I can make a mess.
[LETTUCE SNAPS.]
Still crisp.
He's close.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS.]
How'd I get back here? Ah, Posh.
Thank you.
Your husband has asked that you meet him up in one of the rooftop hot tubs for some champagne.
Phil.
Hi.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
[SIGHS.]
Higgins! The slides aren't the enemy.
Fear is.
It's always a thrill to see one of my residents grow.
By the way, a certain mystery man has spotted you around the building and has requested your presence on the roof.
[GASPS.]
Jay's finally doing something romantic! Just when I thought he was a clueless grouch.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
How many lobbies does this place have?! Excuse me.
Where can I find a bathing suit? Oh, there are complimentary suits in all of the cabanas.
- Ooh.
- Worry not, I boil them myself nightly.
Ah.
Let's see a robot do that.
Hi, Higgins.
We have a bit of an unusual request.
Now, we know you need to be discreet, but we are hoping to have a rendezvous - with a certain distinguished Brit.
- Hmm? Consider it arranged.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Still no sign of the ladies.
Maybe they're in a different cabana.
Mine's here.
Let's wait for the blonde.
I only know how to do this with even numbers.
Hello, Mr.
Robot! Can you tell me where to go for my romantic surprise? Gloria?! [INHALES DEEPLY.]
Now mine's here, but yours is gone.
Now they're both gone! They'll be back.
Maybe one of them had a nanny emergency.
Let's wait for them in there.
- Slider? - Arriving shortly.
Cabana 3.
Thank you.
[CURTAIN OPENS.]
Here we are, then.
Higgins, what are you doing?! Oh, role play.
[COCKNEY ACCENT.]
I know I am but a lowly stable boy, unwanted in the master's quarters, but perhaps you'd like to teach me a lesson? Just stay away from the face.
Uh, obviously there's been some sort of misunderstanding.
Yeah, do we look like the kind of people that would be into some sort of weird role play involving a stable boy? I'm assuming he's been naughty and would do anything to keep his job.
Cam Cam? In my defense, I do get this request quite often.
Particularly around the holidays.
Actually, um we were hoping to meet a certain celebrity couple.
- Yeah.
- Say no more.
I make no promises, but let me just wriggle back into my shorts and make some inquiries.
[WATER SPLASHING.]
Ah, wonderful timing! Please step into Cabana 3 your mystery man awaits.
[GIGGLES.]
[CURTAIN OPENS.]
[SIGHS.]
Hi.
I know that you and I aren't supposed to be here, but after today, I am tired of living a life of fear.
Was Gloria Claire's brunette surprise? It all started when Claire gave me a free pass to Fun Town.
I thought, just try it today.
Take a ride, see how it feels.
Oh.
I never noticed how sexy your feet are.
- Thank you, but this isn't happening, Gloria! - [SCREAMS.]
[CURTAIN OPENS.]
Oh, there you are.
Sorry we missed you at the bowling alley.
She looked different with a headband on.
Warming up in a hot tub first Unconventional, but, hey, anything to loosen up Becks.
Did we meet a Becky? Maybe.
There were so many of them.
So, how old is this Becks? It's on.
Oh, there you are.
Wait you're Becks? Yep, and I'm eager to learn.
A warning my form is clumsy, but I'm great on my feet.
[CURTAIN OPENS.]
[SIGHS.]
Okay, who gets the dude? This never happened.
Fine, I'll take him.
But we're just gonna hang out and see where it goes.
Mmm! Pardon the interruption.
It looks like you're finished with the slider? I am, and can I be honest? I prefer bigger buns.
It's wonderful to just talk like men sometimes, isn't it? It is.
Jay, what are you doing here? I've spent the whole day looking for that miserable You're the Foodie in a Who-dy?! W-Why would you say that? [SNIFFS.]
Ketchup! I'm trying, but I'm lost! You insulted my mother! Oh, my God.
You're Close to Utlaw?! It's Closet Outlaw! Jay, I don't blame you for being mad.
I-I turned my legions of fans against you, and, uh It's Foodie in a Hoodie, by by the way.
But you got a bigger problem at home that I just heard about, and I think I can help you with it.
- Claire? - Oh! Gloria.
I can't believe you recognized me.
I'm so sorry about my hair.
I'm so glad that we can finally talk about it.
Grow it out, let yourself be a girl.
HIGGINS: Okay, final set of instructions on a day that will no doubt be a memorable chapter in my forthcoming memoir, "You Rang?" You, Cabana 2.
You, Cabana 3.
- [GIGGLES.]
- Oh.
[GASPS.]
You are romantic.
Honey, if you don't like my hair, I can change it.
What? I love it.
Maybe next week I can arrange a little rendezvous with a redhead.
[CHUCKLES.]
O-Okay.
I'm glad we cleared that up.
I can't wait for my bowling lesson with you.
Oh, my God.
Foot-y in a Hoodie was here today.
Ah, you're great.
When does Posh get here? And I apologize for being late.
You know, I-I left a message.
I'm sorry I missed your call.
- Can you say that one more time? - [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Um So, I got a few incidental charges from yesterday.
$200 for Sugar Baby procurements.
- Sorry.
- Eight sliders and one coconut water? He charged me for that? $300 for a slide rescue.
$40 fine for the non-wiping of stationary bike.
I barely sweat.
You're sweating right now.
A $150 fine for the non-return of leg warmers.
And eight $100 Westworld entry fees? [GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
We left Cam there! Oh, no!