Married with Children s11e11 Episode Script

Peg, I got a problem.
Nails drying.
For once, why couldn't it be pie cooling, bread baking? Divorce pending? Look, Al, I am up from noon till Oprah, solving this family's problems and now I'm tired.
I need a nap.
Kelly, come hold my hands up.
Dad.
Now, I'll listen to your problem if you help me with mine.
Son, your problems are simple.
Just avoid liquids past 9:00.
Dad, I'm not 16 anymore, all right? Life is a little more complicated.
I'm having serious girl trouble.
Well, me too, Bud, and it's going to remain that way unless the couch suddenly develops a taste for human flesh.
Dad, please.
Now, lately I can't get any girl to go out with me.
Oh, now, Bud, I find that hard to believe.
I mean, look at you.
But then again, looks aren't everything.
Personality is important, so we'll skip that.
So basically, you have nothing to offer a woman.
Son, what you have to do is lower your standards.
Think desperate.
Think a single version of your mother.
Thanks, Dad, thanks.
Now I never, ever, ever want to have sex again.
Welcome to the club, son.
Let's talk about my problem.
My boss, Gary, is crankier than ever.
She's been riding me like a cheap carnival pony.
"Wait on the customers, ring up the bills, don't steal.
" What a shrew.
Bud, this father-son stuff ain't bad.
We ought do this more often.
So are you going to settle on those, ma'am? They look beautiful on you.
Don't try those high-pressured sales tactics on me.
I really thought this mule would look better in white.
I bet that's what her husband said on her wedding day.
Do you have it in black? Ma'am, I would really love to help you now but I just went on break.
- Well, what about him? Sorry, ma'am, I'm still on break.
And just when exactly is your break over? Well, it was gonna be another 30 seconds but now that I just helped a customer, I got to start all over.
Rules are rules.
You know what we need, Griff? A break room.
So we won't be bothered by these hammertoed hags.
- Men, I need to speak with you.
- See what I mean? Oh, let me take a wild guess.
You're on a break? Don't interrupt us, or we'll have to start over.
- You two are completely useless.
- We've noticed that ourselves.
We don't feel that we're properly motivated.
Do you know what would motivate us? A cattle prod? Well, yes, that, of course but I was thinking more in the line of a break room.
Oh, yes, a break room.
And I could throw in a big screen TV and a fridge full of beer.
Hey, you're the boss.
Yes, I am.
And before I build you that dreamy break room we're going to find out why sales are down 500 percent this year.
Could it be the strength of the deutsche mark in today's international economy? Women are walking less? Nice try.
Sit down, shut up.
We three are going to go over the books.
Boy, that was close.
We almost got busted.
Yeah.
Good thing we don't keep any books.
Come on.
Dad, I'm here.
Looks good from here.
I was just looking for my dad.
Interesting place to look.
- Maybe I should go find him.
- Oh, no rush.
No rush.
Well, well, well, young Bud Bundy.
Let's see.
I haven't seen you since I threw your family out of the company picnic.
You have certainly turned into a handsome young man.
Your girlfriend is a very lucky woman.
Actually, I don't have a girlfriend.
Really? I would have guessed that the ladies would be jumping all over a studmuffin like yourself.
Well, you know, I bag my share.
You know, I don't really want to be tied down.
Well, don't knock it till you've tried it.
I think I hear my daddy calling me.
Where's the fire, besides in my secret places? What are you doing? You.
- But - Don't fight it, Bud.
Well, you could fight it a little.
You are a genius, Al.
I can't believe that that worked.
When you tell a retired couple their house is on fire finishing their breakfast just isn't a priority.
Mom, Dad.
What are you two doing up? Looks like somebody had a slumber party last night.
So it looks like you took your dad's advice and found yourself a desperate one, huh? - What makes you think that? - Beer and Tang.
Bundy mimosas.
Must be a classy chick, son.
Yes, and she's painfully shy.
So why don't you two head on upstairs, and you can have breakfast in bed.
Oh, he thinks we're going to embarrass him.
Come on, son, we're not going to scare away a girl who's kind enough to hang out with you.
Hurry up with these mimosas, Love Bud.
I want to get out of here before your pa Daddy.
Daddy, wake up.
Daddy.
- Honey, let me do it.
- Daddy.
Al, wake up.
Son touchy monster in jammies.
Daddy, don't worry about it.
Now, Bud is downstairs helping Gary into her corrective undergarments.
It's naked in the basement.
Al, would you relax? You told Bud to find somebody desperate.
Well, when I said "aim low," I didn't think he'd excavate the tar pits.
I don't know what the big deal is.
I mean, lots of old rich people like to date younger men.
Look at Cher, Roseanne, Richard Simmons.
You're doing this to hurt me, aren't you, Gary? You had it in for me since day one.
Bundy, as much as you deserve it, I am not doing this for revenge.
I am doing it because I am genuinely attracted to Bud.
Oh, right, like I'm supposed to believe that.
You obviously don't know your son.
He's a wonderful human being.
Who's his real father? Well, it's Al, but you know, that night I was thinking about Lyle Waggoner.
Old people always try to destroy what they can't understand.
Man, parents just don't get it, do they? - It's all my fault.
- Oh, honey, don't blame yourself.
You're right, Peg.
It's all your fault.
You scarred him, Peg.
How could I have scarred him? I don't even remember talking to him.
Peg, I'm telling you, he's looking for the mother he never had.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Blow.
Good boy.
So I told that punk son of my mine and his gargoyle girlfriend I never wanted to see them together again.
You better not turn around.
Looks like Bud can't get enough of that hot gargoyle love.
Bud is dead to me.
Damn.
Al, look at your son go.
I have no son.
Those two were knocking boots right in your basement? I have no basement.
You guys on a break? Good for you.
Oh, Piglet, I almost forgot.
I got you a present.
Thank you, Pooh Bear.
When they start talking about the honeypot, I got dibs on the sink.
Monogrammed beeper? - What for? - For when I need you.
I may not be available.
I mean, I do have a life of my own.
Oh, isn't that cute, Piglet.
And just remember, when it reads 911, Pooh Bear needs you bad.
Say hello to Kanga and Roo for me.
What'd you throw that for? Because the cash register's bolted down.
Al, lighten up.
You didn't have a problem when Kelly dated that wealthy older man.
I wouldn't have a problem if Bud dated a wealthy older man.
Anybody but Gary.
Hey, Al.
I was in the tanning bed and I heard about Bud and Gary, huh? It's all over the mall.
- Let me guess.
You're all for it, right? - Natch.
Who cares if Gary's a tarantula in Chanel? I've seen worse.
- You married worse.
- Exactly.
Don't you see the beauty of this? Now that Bud has hitched his trailer to Gary's sagging bumper you're in for a long ride on easy street.
No, no, no good can come of this.
Where do you want this fridge full of beers? Wherever.
You don't understand a father's feelings.
This is the worst thing that's happened to me.
- Where do you want the TV? - I don't care.
Put it near the fridge.
I'm telling you, there's not a power on Earth that would make me accept this unholy union.
Gary sent us here to build you guys a break room.
But on second thought who am I to get in the way of two crazy kids in love? Cheers! Oh, no.
Maybe this Bud and Gary thing is all my fault.
Look, it says right here, "What a mother does affects a child.
" Kelly, was I a bad mother? I don't know.
Whose mother are you? - Yours.
- Oh.
Then were you terrible.
Who are you to judge? Hey, don't you remember that time I made you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Mom, it was petroleum jelly.
Yeah, and you didn't get chapped lips that whole winter.
And I always took care of you when you were sick.
Oh, please, Mom.
The time I had chickenpox, you slapped makeup on my face and sent me off to school.
And you met your first little boyfriend that day, now, didn't you? Yeah, Mikey Clemmons.
Boy, naptime was a lot more fun after that.
Then I guess I was not such a bad mother.
I guess not with me.
But, you know, you really screwed up Bud.
Peg, great news.
You know Bud's horrible, perverted affair with Gary that you caused? Yeah.
I feel so guilty.
Like I should be on Court TV with a blue dot on my face.
And yet in the bedroom you complain about the paper bag.
Anyway, Peg, don't worry about it because it's turned out to be the greatest thing that happened to us.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about a break room, Peg, at work with massage tables and a fridge full of beer.
As long as Bud keeps Gary happy, I'm happy.
And as long as I'm happy, I'm happy.
- Yeah, well, what about me? - Don't be selfish, Peg.
Well, what about Bud's welfare? Isn't this an unhealthy relationship for our son? Look what else Gary put in our break room.
Belgian bonbons.
Well, you know, I always liked that Gary.
Oh, look, Al, I'm using the good china with the dividers.
Good idea, Peg.
Gary's a millionaire.
She's used to classy things.
Now, if this relationship continues we're gonna be eating off paper plates and then just throwing them away.
Hey, which side does the salad Spork go on again? - On the left.
Who raised you? - No one.
How come you don't put out the good plastic for my boyfriends? Because your boyfriends don't use utensils.
I'm so sick of this.
You know, I'm the oldest.
Bud's always been your favourite.
Just because he walked first, and he talked first and he can name all 20 states.
I will tell you I'll tell you what else he did first.
He found himself a sugar daddy.
Something we thought you would do, young lady.
Face it, Kelly, Bud beat you.
The dark horse came in first.
Oh, now you got Bud a horse? Hey, I was the one who always wanted a horsey.
- Dad - Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, concentrate.
If you help us tonight, maybe Gary will buy you a horsey.
Oh, no.
If she's that rich I want a unicorn.
Fine.
Somebody call heaven.
There's an angel missing.
Oh, very, very nice, Bud.
Is this Baby Armani? Doesn't he look great, Al? You know, you remind me of a very handsome young man that was once madly in love with me.
- You mean Daddy? - Honey, I said handsome.
And in love with her.
I appreciate all the trouble you went to but I'm not sure I feel right about Gary and me.
What are you talking about, Bud? You and Gary are perfect for each other.
Dad, she's getting more and more possessive.
I mean, we don't even talk anymore.
I feel like all I am to her is a piece of meat.
My area.
Let me handle this.
Okay, Bud.
So you're feeling like a cheap sex toy, huh? Yeah.
It's demeaning.
How do you handle it, Kel? I just accept it.
I mean, come on.
Fish, they gotta swim.
The birds gotta fly.
Cookie Monster's gotta eat whatever the hell he eats.
You know what I mean? You know? No.
Dad, how am I supposed to stay with somebody who doesn't respect me? Honey, if marriage was based on respect your father and I would have never gotten together.
That's right, pookie.
Excuse me.
- Who said anything about marriage? - Well, Bud, you love Gary.
- No, I don't, Dad.
- Don't talk back to your father.
And love and marriage go together like Peg, what do love and marriage go together? How the hell would I know? If you two are so happily married let's see you kiss.
Well, sure, we could do that but I think that years of love and commitment can best be represented by a hearty handshake.
I said a kiss.
That means lips.
Sure.
Oh, come on, Daddy, you can do it.
Just close your eyes.
Bud, Bud, Bud, don't ruin this for me.
Piglet, I've been paging you for over an hour.
Why didn't you call me back? Well, I turned off the beeper.
- How dare you? - Bud, you're grounded.
What is it, Piglet? You know, we've had some great times together and I appreciate everything you've done for me, and to me.
I think we should just be friends.
- Do not listen to him.
- Wait a minute.
You're dumping me? Without me, you will spend the rest of your life in this hellhole.
- No offence.
- None taken.
Shall we have dinner? I can get out of this on my own.
I don't need to be anybody's boy toy.
I'm going to make it on brains and talent.
Oh, Peg, we're never going to get rid of him now.
Go ahead, scoff.
At least I've got my dignity.
Well, Bundy, I guess you know what this means.
Generic beer in the break room fridge? Guess again.
Less attractive masseuses? Try no beer, no massages.
In fact, no break room.
And I'm installing a pay toilet.
Oh, that's not right.
I can't believe I'm not going to get my unicorn.
Oh, I can't believe I polished Sporks for her.
I can't believe I almost kissed you.
This means that Bud's not the favourite now, huh? Damn right.
So that means I'm the favourite now, right? Sure, why not? Look, Gary's gold card.
Hey, forget the fried chicken.
Tonight it's fried lobster.
Oh, wait a second.
Shouldn't we wait for Bud? What does he need lobster for? He's got dignity.