Modern Family s11e11 Episode Script
Legacy
1 So, all this childhood memorabilia came to me after your mother died diaries, photo albums, adorable drawings.
So, enjoy your stroll down memory lane, but know that at the end of that lane - is a dumpster.
- Okay.
You have a painting upstairs by William "The Refrigerator" Perry, but there's no room for my baby teeth? I needed to free up some space in the garage.
Because it's not a garage anymore.
It's a warehouse full of dog beds that nobody wants to buy.
It's been a slow period, but it should pick up next quarter.
What? When all the dogs get back their income tax refunds and they want to go splurge on beds for themselves? - Joe.
- JOE: What? Help me drag some of these things out to my car.
We're gonna do some old-fashioned marketing today.
Oh, my God.
The old Atari.
Uh-huh.
Remember why we got that? Yeah.
So, we were on our first family vacation ever, okay - a week at this waterpark resort - Mm-hmm.
and Dad got bored after, what, - three days? - Three.
Made us leave early, and he bought us off with this.
Lies and untruths! We stayed the full week, and I got you two ingrates that game anyway.
How long are you gonna stick to that story? Much as you two enjoy portraying me as some kind of abusive parent - JOE: Whoa! Aah! - Oh! Relax, Joe.
We'll get you out in a second.
Okay, 35 years, and you ugh, you still can't admit it.
- There's nothing to admit.
- JOE: [MUFFLED.]
I see light! Should I go towards it? Why would we both remember it one way if it didn't happen, Dad? Kids like to make things up.
- Mm.
- They like the drama.
Come here, kid.
I was literally about to gnaw my own arm off to get free.
With those things? I still have the tooth you lost in a marshmallow.
Okay, so, that one you kept? PHIL: I was in Florida visiting my Dad.
I'd gotten a call that he was wandering around the grocery store he used to run.
I wanted to find out if he was okay, but that's not something you can just ask.
You know, your mother and I came here every Sunday for 44 years.
You miss her, don't you? It comes and goes.
- Fourth of July is rough.
- Really? I didn't realize she was so patriotic.
Well, it's that hot dog eating contest they have on TV.
You know, I always thought that your mother could have been a competitive eater.
No food ever expired in our house.
She'd see that last day pop up on a pound of bacon or a gallon of milk, and down it went.
It was personal for her.
Speaking of food, y-you ever head over to your old grocery store? Hey, listen.
Do you remember that? Oh, yeah.
Penguinsquatch.
Put this town on the map.
June 1977.
Teen revelers report massive bird footprints emerging from Lake Okeechobee.
A crowd gathers, but the new tide has covered the so-called bird prints, and the teens are beaten soundly.
Tracks reappear several days later, and once again, word spreads through town.
An ornithologist deems the prints those of a gigantic penguin, some 15 feet in height.
People come from miles around to catch a glimpse of the wondrous waddler.
The tracks will appear on and off for years and then disappear forever, but not before Olympic gold medalist Mary Lou Retton makes the trek to place her tiny footprints inside those of the be-flippered colossus.
Didn't we take a picnic over there a few nights? Everyone did.
It's the first time I ever saw your mother eat a bag of apples.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, Dad, I, uh, I w I wanted to ask you Oh, boy.
No serious talk, okay? Yes, I'm taking all my million pills.
You can come over and press my stomach.
I'm starting to feel like a bean bag chair.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Guys, I just saw a ghost.
Okay, girls, grab your things.
We're gone.
N-Not a real ghost.
More like a vision from my past.
Brenda Feldman.
An older girl that Manny had a crush on.
He even wrote a poem for her when he was little.
I gave her my heart, she gave me a picture of me as an old-time sheriff.
Today was my second chance, but I couldn't even get up the nerve to say "hi.
" 11-year-old Manny would be disgusted by me.
Well, now you know how 12-year-old Lily feels.
- [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
- Oh.
- Sorry, this is work.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Hello? Manny, you know who this family's resident expert is in interpersonal problems? I would say no one's especially That's right.
It's me.
It took a little while, but I finally convinced Manny the reason he had failed last time with Brenda Feldman was because of his grand gesture.
Today called for a completely different approach a super grand gesture.
Just go to her, okay? Get in there! Let's go! Come on! [CLAPS HANDS.]
Hyah! Well, looks like my first house sale is going to fall through.
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
You know what? But things will turn around.
Do not turn around.
Okay, that's Debra Knox.
She stole my Educator of the Year Award.
- A swooper?! - A swooper! - Lily, grab your things.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Not a smoke demon that terrorizes farm children.
- Oh.
- It's a person that takes things that are supposed to be yours.
I have one of my own.
GLORIA: I was closing a deal on my very first showing, and a rival agent swooped in.
What a lovely home.
I mean, maybe not great for kids, you know? Wait, what? But we're pregnant.
Oh.
Oh, my goodness.
I'm sorry.
I didn't even see you there.
I was [GASPS.]
Oh, my.
Is that a California vulture wasp? A mountain lion must've made a fresh kill.
[GASPS.]
So, the couple agreed to go to her open house later.
- [SHOES TAPPING.]
- YOUNG MAN: Hey, there, Sue, I heard you got dumped And now you are blue So, how 'bout we go to the prom If it's okay with my mom? I am so glad that Manny stopped doing those embarrassing things.
Oh, come on.
Who doesn't love a grand gesture? - [LOUD POP.]
- Oh.
In front of my friends, Ronald?! I can't believe I ever let you do my homework! My g Oh, gosh.
Oh, no, no, Manny! Manny, abort, abort, abort.
- Abort! - [GASPS.]
Back up! Back up! Back, back, back, back! - Get going! Get going! - I'm going! Abort! Last week, I left some dog beds here, so now the owners are probably getting swamped with requests.
The other day, I found out that Joe saved up six months of allowance and donated it all to charity.
It's one of those rare moments as a dad when you realize you've really dropped the ball.
I mean, the kid needed to learn the basics of business.
[GASPS.]
Ooh, can I get that dog? I'll do 50 hours of chores.
- No, a hundred.
- Whoa.
Sales lesson number one never look desperate in a negotiation.
No emotion.
Think of your cousin Lily.
Hey, I noticed the dog beds moved.
They must be pretty popular, huh? Um, the dogs didn't like them.
What? These are dogs nobody wants.
I mean, what do they have going on? Don't worry.
The cats love them.
Cats? Never.
I'm taking them home.
I mean, cat in a pineapple? How does that even make sense? Maybe they're from Meow-i? [LAUGHS.]
Get it? 'Cause Hawaii? - Get in the car.
- Okay.
This Atari has quite a dent in it.
- Didn't Didn't you throw it at me? - No.
Then Then explain this groove in my head, 'cause Yeah, I can I can fit them together like a puzzle.
Mitchell, you fell down the stairs sleepwalking.
- It's established family history.
- Oh.
Unwilling to admit a mistake.
Wonder where you picked that up from.
Look, it drives me nuts, too, that Dad never cops to his mistakes, but it's always gonna be our word against his.
- Yeah.
- Why did you cut the necks out of all these sweatshirts? Oh, I was a big "Flashdance" fan.
How you survived the golden age of bullying, I will never understand.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
We are sitting on a treasure trove of evidence than could prove Dad cut our vacation short, okay? I mean, you realize that building cases against society's worst criminals is what I do.
How's that case against the deaf old lady who sells bacon-wrapped hot dogs outside Laker games going? She was warned three times.
Okay, how do we prove that Dad made us come home early? I mean, uh, what was that place we went even called? Hold on.
I just saw a matchbook from there, and Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here it is, here it is.
"Handelman Waterpark.
Celebrating 25 years.
" - Ooh.
I can get on this CSI train.
- So Yes.
Okay, "Founded in 1958," so that puts us there in '83.
'83, '83.
Locating my diary from '83.
- Okay.
- And okay.
Here it is.
April 20th.
"I think JT likes me.
Makes fun of my head dent.
" - So, that's - Alright, so it had to have been before that, because we didn't have the video game yet, and that's what made the d the the - I interrupted.
- [SMACKS LIPS.]
So, we were there early April, and, uh, no diary entries from then.
Okay.
Okay.
But maybe this might help.
- Look at Aww.
- Aww.
Here Here it is.
- "Day One at Handelman.
" - Whoa.
Okay.
Here we go.
A mariachi band? If you want the Brenda girl, talk to her like you don't care, - and then don't call her for a week.
- Oh, oh, what? And present himself as some brooding mystery man whose dad-like approval she has to work for? What woman has ever found that attractive? [SIGHING.]
I'll try it.
CAMERON: Oh, great.
There's Debra again.
Probably down there flaunting her $30 gift card she got with my award.
- It's my award.
- Is it go time? Yeah, you know what? Maybe I will.
I'll just march right up to her, and give her the classic Tucker stare down.
A dirty look.
That's your big plan? Yeah, she'll see in my eyes that I know exactly what she did, and trust me, all the free sample of perfume spritzes in this mall won't be able to cover up the stench of guilt on her.
Well, I just made a nice little connection.
Not with Brenda, who barely noticed me, but with Ronald, who invited me to Panda Express so we could eat our feelings.
WOMAN: Manny? Um, you took off before I could give you my number.
And maybe I could get yours, too? - Sure.
- Yeah? Do you need my advice with your problem now? Whatever.
[LAUGHS.]
See, you should point this thing west and, uh, come meet your great-grandbabies.
Uh, this spring, I think.
I want to pose them to re-create famous photos from history.
I've got all the outfits, uh, to re-create the VJ-Day kiss, but I still need the fedora to pull off Jack Ruby and Lee Harvey Oswald.
- Careful.
- Well, obviously, the gun won't be loaded.
No, no, no.
There's a pothole.
- [CAR RATTLES.]
- Oh.
- Oh, geez.
I bet we blew a tire.
Fortunately, one local inventor has been hard at work on the Presto-Jack TM, a pneumatic device that both lifts a car and powers a drill to change lug nuts.
- I don't suppose - Yep.
- In the trunk.
- Yes! We can finally test it out! You ready to launch? Let's do it.
[MOTOR WHIRRING, CONTROLLER BEEPS.]
Steady as she goes, and she's up! It's working! You did it! It's Why is it still going? - How hard did you press start? - Well, that shouldn't matter! - Well, just press "end task.
" - Okay.
But only on the right side of the button.
Why wouldn't you tell me that first?! Sweet maker! Hmm.
Everybody warned me this would happen.
[STEAM HISSES.]
[SIGHS.]
Hello, Debra.
Oh.
Hi, Cam.
You wish.
I know you'll deny it, but these eyes can see right through you.
You mean how I stole the Educator of the Year Award? Aha! I got you to admit it.
It's a good thing I'm wearing a wire.
- Let me see it.
- Damn it.
I'm gonna be the belle of the ball in this dress.
Stealing this award has given me the confidence to crush everyone in my path.
[SIGHS.]
Permiso.
I never even saw Gloria go into the dressing room, but there she was, like a superhero, able to destroy confidence in a single pose.
I'm glad I didn't go with the first dress.
They'll take one look at this one and make me principal.
Ay-yi-yi.
- Aw, come on! - You know what? Maybe you should try the dress on that lady's wearing.
[SOBS.]
- Oh, my God.
That was brilliant and humbling.
- [LAUGHS.]
You know, I-I pride myself on solving people problems.
You know what? You still have the swooper.
- Maybe I could - No, thanks.
[CURTAIN OPENS.]
She just can't accept help, but I can.
I'm thinking about rocking this for my date with Brenda.
Ignore the buttons.
Can you tell this is a woman's coat? Yes.
Sales lesson number two create demand.
Leave a few dog beds lying around, dogs fall in love, your phones start ringing off the hook.
Go ahead.
Over there.
Go.
Wow.
My dog really likes this bed.
I wonder if leaving it here will create demand.
Uh, no, thank you.
Alright, good start.
You could've been a little cuter with that.
- What?! - When did you start saying "really likes"? What happened to "weawwy wikes"? You paid a speech therapist to shame it out of me.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- Still no cell service.
Let's, uh, let's just hitchhike to the barber and call a tow company from there.
- [TIRES SCREECH.]
- You can't let anything go! You slept with my sister while I was pregnant.
Not the hot one! I swear to God I swear to God, we are going through with this wedding so that I can kill you, and then I'm gonna divorce your corpse! Well, you seem like a nice couple.
Room for two more in there? My dad's positive attitude versus a couple bound for a "Dateline" episode? It wasn't even a fair fight.
Sweet Caroline Bup-bup-buh Alright.
Final lesson always be willing to walk away.
Hey, Ron.
I'm coming to you first 'cause we're old friends.
- It's Lon.
- Yeah.
Hey, listen.
It's a steep price on this one, but don't blame me.
I'm pocketing less than the kids that, you know, made this thing.
The Beagle Has Landed.
Sorry, Jay, none of these are selling.
Even the ones that look like hot cakes? Maybe a puppy will cheer you up.
I told you, not gonna happen.
You're giving up? I can't give these things away.
Forget everything I taught you today.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
Hey, mister, my dad was about to give you the deal of a lifetime 100 dog beds for a hundred bucks, so you can give one away with each new dog.
A hundred bucks, huh? I can see you're not serious.
Slow down that tail, buddy.
This is leaving with me.
[SIGHS.]
Wait, wait.
Don't walk away.
Would you do 50 bucks? Will you throw in a puppy? [DOG BARKS.]
I've had two late-in-life projects.
One, dog beds, was a bust.
- The other - [PUPPY WHINES.]
is looking pretty promising.
Alright, okay.
So, Handelman closed in '99, so no guest registry to tell us when we checked out.
Rental car companies are a dead end, and no credit card receipts.
God, Mitchell, it might be time for us to face some facts.
What? That some people very high up don't want us to know the truth? No.
That we might have to let Dad skate on this one.
- Never.
- [BOX RATTLES.]
Go easy on those bubble-gum cigarettes, Mitchell.
They're gonna kill you.
Look, we tried, right? I bought a pack of these the last night we were at that resort so I could try to look cool at some concert that we went to.
Hang on.
Where was it? I Oh-ho.
Bingo.
What do you see, huh? Uh um, me at the park in a hat with the name "Maddox" embroidered on it.
Oh, oh, I forgot about my Maddox Pritchett phase.
God, it is a miracle that you didn't need a police escort to school every day.
Not you, the marquee.
- Uh, "Tonight and Wednesday Only The Monkees.
" - Yes! And according to their website, they played the 14th and the 16th.
So, if we went the first night, that means we would have left the 15th, and we would have left early.
Okay, wait just a second.
I-I remember I was so upset - Yes.
- that our vacation was being cut short that I cheered myself up by going to the premiere of "Flashdance," which was on Ha! April 15th.
Yea What is up with you and that movie? She was so much more than a welder, and I was so much more than the president of Students Against TV on Weeknights.
Okay, I know you remember it this way, but how are we gonna prove it? - Bam! - [GASPS.]
My ticket, clearly marked "Opening Night.
" I'm gonna say "bam" again.
- Bam! - Oh! - I can't believe it.
- [GASPS.]
We might actually see Dad - admit that he was wrong! - Ah! - [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God, oh, my God! - [GASPS.]
- Do you think he'll cry? No.
- [SIGHS.]
Oof.
Claire, don't do that.
Just take the victory.
I mean, why why was he in such a rush to get home, you know? To To meet his buds at O'Brien's Pub? I don't know.
It's just Well, that is a little weird, though.
It says, "To Jay Pritchett, the greatest bartender in the universe.
- Dean Martin.
May 1, 1983.
" - Oh.
Since when was Dad a bartender? Wait, and this is right after our trip.
- I'm calling work wife.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- [SNIFFS.]
- MARGARET: Hello? Hey, Margaret, really quick Was Dad ever a bartender? Gosh, who knows? I wouldn't trust this memory of mine anyway, and [IMITATING STATIC.]
This is a bad connec [IMITATES STATIC.]
- Margaret.
- You know [IMITATES STATIC.]
that's what a bad connection stopped sounding like when phones stopped having antennas.
Fine.
Early days of the business, we couldn't make payroll.
He had to come back from a trip to pay everyone out of his own pocket.
Took the night job to make ends meet.
Why wouldn't he have told us? Probably didn't want to worry anyone.
Anyway, back to the wall, he did some of his best work.
Came up with a best-selling closet.
"Introducing the Maddox.
" [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
And around this corner is the entertainer's kitchen.
What are you doing here? Oh, I just came through the un-secure back door.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hello, again.
Hi.
We're still interested in your house.
We just might be leaning towards this one.
Oh, I'm very surprised.
People that like cooking so much Are you guys going to be happy with this tiny, little pantry that leads to a gigantic pantry? Are you ready to see the interactive nursery? [GASPS.]
The baby just kicked! - Oh.
- Hey.
We Are Are you all about to be my new neighbor? Hope you like to party.
My name's Fred.
They call me Peeper because Well, that doesn't matter.
Oh, you look, it's chocolate chip cookies! Kids, get in here! Get yourself some supper! These are my blessings.
Do I like ethnic women? Guilty.
Do you like farm-fresh eggs? I sold my very first house and destroyed my swooper.
Of course, the only way you can destroy a real swooper is to stab its reflection during the Harvest Moon.
- [CAR HORN HONKS.]
- Enjoy Poland, you two! Hey, Frank.
Afraid I was about to close up.
- Betsy's birthday.
- Okay, we'll come back, Don.
Well, h-hang on.
I'm I'm pretty nifty with the shears.
I used to I used to cut Luke's hair, and I once trimmed a hedge in our yard into the spitting image of Doug Henning.
Sold.
- Just lock her up.
- Thank you very much.
Hop on up there, young man.
[SIGHS.]
If I'm not mistaken, you saw your first naked lady - in this barbershop.
- You know it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hell of a crossing guard, but when she went crazy, she didn't go halfway.
- Well, that was her training.
- [CHUCKLES.]
So, Dad, um just gonna get this over with.
- Uh - Oh, boy.
Is this gonna be about me going back to the grocery store? Well, it it just seemed a little weird.
I heard you were there for hours.
The place was a mess.
I mean, where is the pride? Old days, they used to deliver my oranges on Tuesdays.
I could not have built a pyramid faster with 10,000 Hebrews.
So, you weren't just wandering? It's just I miss it, is all.
This takes me to my next question.
Um did you and Mom ever ever want a-a-another child? Well, I suppose all parents wonder how things would have changed if they had a different child.
I-I didn't didn't mean a different one.
I-I mean an additional one.
Why do you ask? Well, 'cause if you'd had another kid, maybe maybe he'd have taken over the business and and you wouldn't have had to sell.
I always I always felt kind of bad that I didn't.
The answer is no, Phil.
Never.
Because Well, you did take over the family business, didn't you? Keeping life light, making it fun for everybody.
I learned from the best.
[CHUCKLES.]
PHIL: When I was growing up, he was the cool dad.
He was hip.
He knew all the dances from "Grease.
" He knew all the expressions.
BFF best friends forever.
TMI too much information.
BJ blue jeans.
It makes me feel lucky.
We didn't do much that day, but it might have been one of the the best days I ever had with my dad.
I just didn't know it would be the last.
My dad was okay.
And my takeaway from our day Don't miss a chance to let the people you appreciate know that.
The hard part has been, um, figuring out a way to pay tribute to my dad, but something came to me in the garage today.
I think he would have liked it.
He left some big footprints, my old man.
- Look, they're getting along great.
- That's not our worry.
Your mother is.
Eight years, she ignored Stella, gave her a complex.
One time, I was clicking a pen.
Stella threw up 'cause she thought high heels were coming.
- GLORIA: Hola! - [DOOR OPENS.]
[DOG BARKS.]
What is this? He's the grownup.
Honey, we know how you feel about It's the cutest thing I've seen in my whole life! [GASPS.]
I love you! Oh, my God! I need a selfie with my best little boy! I'll be back! It's not your fault.
It is not your fault.
So, enjoy your stroll down memory lane, but know that at the end of that lane - is a dumpster.
- Okay.
You have a painting upstairs by William "The Refrigerator" Perry, but there's no room for my baby teeth? I needed to free up some space in the garage.
Because it's not a garage anymore.
It's a warehouse full of dog beds that nobody wants to buy.
It's been a slow period, but it should pick up next quarter.
What? When all the dogs get back their income tax refunds and they want to go splurge on beds for themselves? - Joe.
- JOE: What? Help me drag some of these things out to my car.
We're gonna do some old-fashioned marketing today.
Oh, my God.
The old Atari.
Uh-huh.
Remember why we got that? Yeah.
So, we were on our first family vacation ever, okay - a week at this waterpark resort - Mm-hmm.
and Dad got bored after, what, - three days? - Three.
Made us leave early, and he bought us off with this.
Lies and untruths! We stayed the full week, and I got you two ingrates that game anyway.
How long are you gonna stick to that story? Much as you two enjoy portraying me as some kind of abusive parent - JOE: Whoa! Aah! - Oh! Relax, Joe.
We'll get you out in a second.
Okay, 35 years, and you ugh, you still can't admit it.
- There's nothing to admit.
- JOE: [MUFFLED.]
I see light! Should I go towards it? Why would we both remember it one way if it didn't happen, Dad? Kids like to make things up.
- Mm.
- They like the drama.
Come here, kid.
I was literally about to gnaw my own arm off to get free.
With those things? I still have the tooth you lost in a marshmallow.
Okay, so, that one you kept? PHIL: I was in Florida visiting my Dad.
I'd gotten a call that he was wandering around the grocery store he used to run.
I wanted to find out if he was okay, but that's not something you can just ask.
You know, your mother and I came here every Sunday for 44 years.
You miss her, don't you? It comes and goes.
- Fourth of July is rough.
- Really? I didn't realize she was so patriotic.
Well, it's that hot dog eating contest they have on TV.
You know, I always thought that your mother could have been a competitive eater.
No food ever expired in our house.
She'd see that last day pop up on a pound of bacon or a gallon of milk, and down it went.
It was personal for her.
Speaking of food, y-you ever head over to your old grocery store? Hey, listen.
Do you remember that? Oh, yeah.
Penguinsquatch.
Put this town on the map.
June 1977.
Teen revelers report massive bird footprints emerging from Lake Okeechobee.
A crowd gathers, but the new tide has covered the so-called bird prints, and the teens are beaten soundly.
Tracks reappear several days later, and once again, word spreads through town.
An ornithologist deems the prints those of a gigantic penguin, some 15 feet in height.
People come from miles around to catch a glimpse of the wondrous waddler.
The tracks will appear on and off for years and then disappear forever, but not before Olympic gold medalist Mary Lou Retton makes the trek to place her tiny footprints inside those of the be-flippered colossus.
Didn't we take a picnic over there a few nights? Everyone did.
It's the first time I ever saw your mother eat a bag of apples.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, Dad, I, uh, I w I wanted to ask you Oh, boy.
No serious talk, okay? Yes, I'm taking all my million pills.
You can come over and press my stomach.
I'm starting to feel like a bean bag chair.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Guys, I just saw a ghost.
Okay, girls, grab your things.
We're gone.
N-Not a real ghost.
More like a vision from my past.
Brenda Feldman.
An older girl that Manny had a crush on.
He even wrote a poem for her when he was little.
I gave her my heart, she gave me a picture of me as an old-time sheriff.
Today was my second chance, but I couldn't even get up the nerve to say "hi.
" 11-year-old Manny would be disgusted by me.
Well, now you know how 12-year-old Lily feels.
- [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
- Oh.
- Sorry, this is work.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Hello? Manny, you know who this family's resident expert is in interpersonal problems? I would say no one's especially That's right.
It's me.
It took a little while, but I finally convinced Manny the reason he had failed last time with Brenda Feldman was because of his grand gesture.
Today called for a completely different approach a super grand gesture.
Just go to her, okay? Get in there! Let's go! Come on! [CLAPS HANDS.]
Hyah! Well, looks like my first house sale is going to fall through.
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
You know what? But things will turn around.
Do not turn around.
Okay, that's Debra Knox.
She stole my Educator of the Year Award.
- A swooper?! - A swooper! - Lily, grab your things.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Not a smoke demon that terrorizes farm children.
- Oh.
- It's a person that takes things that are supposed to be yours.
I have one of my own.
GLORIA: I was closing a deal on my very first showing, and a rival agent swooped in.
What a lovely home.
I mean, maybe not great for kids, you know? Wait, what? But we're pregnant.
Oh.
Oh, my goodness.
I'm sorry.
I didn't even see you there.
I was [GASPS.]
Oh, my.
Is that a California vulture wasp? A mountain lion must've made a fresh kill.
[GASPS.]
So, the couple agreed to go to her open house later.
- [SHOES TAPPING.]
- YOUNG MAN: Hey, there, Sue, I heard you got dumped And now you are blue So, how 'bout we go to the prom If it's okay with my mom? I am so glad that Manny stopped doing those embarrassing things.
Oh, come on.
Who doesn't love a grand gesture? - [LOUD POP.]
- Oh.
In front of my friends, Ronald?! I can't believe I ever let you do my homework! My g Oh, gosh.
Oh, no, no, Manny! Manny, abort, abort, abort.
- Abort! - [GASPS.]
Back up! Back up! Back, back, back, back! - Get going! Get going! - I'm going! Abort! Last week, I left some dog beds here, so now the owners are probably getting swamped with requests.
The other day, I found out that Joe saved up six months of allowance and donated it all to charity.
It's one of those rare moments as a dad when you realize you've really dropped the ball.
I mean, the kid needed to learn the basics of business.
[GASPS.]
Ooh, can I get that dog? I'll do 50 hours of chores.
- No, a hundred.
- Whoa.
Sales lesson number one never look desperate in a negotiation.
No emotion.
Think of your cousin Lily.
Hey, I noticed the dog beds moved.
They must be pretty popular, huh? Um, the dogs didn't like them.
What? These are dogs nobody wants.
I mean, what do they have going on? Don't worry.
The cats love them.
Cats? Never.
I'm taking them home.
I mean, cat in a pineapple? How does that even make sense? Maybe they're from Meow-i? [LAUGHS.]
Get it? 'Cause Hawaii? - Get in the car.
- Okay.
This Atari has quite a dent in it.
- Didn't Didn't you throw it at me? - No.
Then Then explain this groove in my head, 'cause Yeah, I can I can fit them together like a puzzle.
Mitchell, you fell down the stairs sleepwalking.
- It's established family history.
- Oh.
Unwilling to admit a mistake.
Wonder where you picked that up from.
Look, it drives me nuts, too, that Dad never cops to his mistakes, but it's always gonna be our word against his.
- Yeah.
- Why did you cut the necks out of all these sweatshirts? Oh, I was a big "Flashdance" fan.
How you survived the golden age of bullying, I will never understand.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
We are sitting on a treasure trove of evidence than could prove Dad cut our vacation short, okay? I mean, you realize that building cases against society's worst criminals is what I do.
How's that case against the deaf old lady who sells bacon-wrapped hot dogs outside Laker games going? She was warned three times.
Okay, how do we prove that Dad made us come home early? I mean, uh, what was that place we went even called? Hold on.
I just saw a matchbook from there, and Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here it is, here it is.
"Handelman Waterpark.
Celebrating 25 years.
" - Ooh.
I can get on this CSI train.
- So Yes.
Okay, "Founded in 1958," so that puts us there in '83.
'83, '83.
Locating my diary from '83.
- Okay.
- And okay.
Here it is.
April 20th.
"I think JT likes me.
Makes fun of my head dent.
" - So, that's - Alright, so it had to have been before that, because we didn't have the video game yet, and that's what made the d the the - I interrupted.
- [SMACKS LIPS.]
So, we were there early April, and, uh, no diary entries from then.
Okay.
Okay.
But maybe this might help.
- Look at Aww.
- Aww.
Here Here it is.
- "Day One at Handelman.
" - Whoa.
Okay.
Here we go.
A mariachi band? If you want the Brenda girl, talk to her like you don't care, - and then don't call her for a week.
- Oh, oh, what? And present himself as some brooding mystery man whose dad-like approval she has to work for? What woman has ever found that attractive? [SIGHING.]
I'll try it.
CAMERON: Oh, great.
There's Debra again.
Probably down there flaunting her $30 gift card she got with my award.
- It's my award.
- Is it go time? Yeah, you know what? Maybe I will.
I'll just march right up to her, and give her the classic Tucker stare down.
A dirty look.
That's your big plan? Yeah, she'll see in my eyes that I know exactly what she did, and trust me, all the free sample of perfume spritzes in this mall won't be able to cover up the stench of guilt on her.
Well, I just made a nice little connection.
Not with Brenda, who barely noticed me, but with Ronald, who invited me to Panda Express so we could eat our feelings.
WOMAN: Manny? Um, you took off before I could give you my number.
And maybe I could get yours, too? - Sure.
- Yeah? Do you need my advice with your problem now? Whatever.
[LAUGHS.]
See, you should point this thing west and, uh, come meet your great-grandbabies.
Uh, this spring, I think.
I want to pose them to re-create famous photos from history.
I've got all the outfits, uh, to re-create the VJ-Day kiss, but I still need the fedora to pull off Jack Ruby and Lee Harvey Oswald.
- Careful.
- Well, obviously, the gun won't be loaded.
No, no, no.
There's a pothole.
- [CAR RATTLES.]
- Oh.
- Oh, geez.
I bet we blew a tire.
Fortunately, one local inventor has been hard at work on the Presto-Jack TM, a pneumatic device that both lifts a car and powers a drill to change lug nuts.
- I don't suppose - Yep.
- In the trunk.
- Yes! We can finally test it out! You ready to launch? Let's do it.
[MOTOR WHIRRING, CONTROLLER BEEPS.]
Steady as she goes, and she's up! It's working! You did it! It's Why is it still going? - How hard did you press start? - Well, that shouldn't matter! - Well, just press "end task.
" - Okay.
But only on the right side of the button.
Why wouldn't you tell me that first?! Sweet maker! Hmm.
Everybody warned me this would happen.
[STEAM HISSES.]
[SIGHS.]
Hello, Debra.
Oh.
Hi, Cam.
You wish.
I know you'll deny it, but these eyes can see right through you.
You mean how I stole the Educator of the Year Award? Aha! I got you to admit it.
It's a good thing I'm wearing a wire.
- Let me see it.
- Damn it.
I'm gonna be the belle of the ball in this dress.
Stealing this award has given me the confidence to crush everyone in my path.
[SIGHS.]
Permiso.
I never even saw Gloria go into the dressing room, but there she was, like a superhero, able to destroy confidence in a single pose.
I'm glad I didn't go with the first dress.
They'll take one look at this one and make me principal.
Ay-yi-yi.
- Aw, come on! - You know what? Maybe you should try the dress on that lady's wearing.
[SOBS.]
- Oh, my God.
That was brilliant and humbling.
- [LAUGHS.]
You know, I-I pride myself on solving people problems.
You know what? You still have the swooper.
- Maybe I could - No, thanks.
[CURTAIN OPENS.]
She just can't accept help, but I can.
I'm thinking about rocking this for my date with Brenda.
Ignore the buttons.
Can you tell this is a woman's coat? Yes.
Sales lesson number two create demand.
Leave a few dog beds lying around, dogs fall in love, your phones start ringing off the hook.
Go ahead.
Over there.
Go.
Wow.
My dog really likes this bed.
I wonder if leaving it here will create demand.
Uh, no, thank you.
Alright, good start.
You could've been a little cuter with that.
- What?! - When did you start saying "really likes"? What happened to "weawwy wikes"? You paid a speech therapist to shame it out of me.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- Still no cell service.
Let's, uh, let's just hitchhike to the barber and call a tow company from there.
- [TIRES SCREECH.]
- You can't let anything go! You slept with my sister while I was pregnant.
Not the hot one! I swear to God I swear to God, we are going through with this wedding so that I can kill you, and then I'm gonna divorce your corpse! Well, you seem like a nice couple.
Room for two more in there? My dad's positive attitude versus a couple bound for a "Dateline" episode? It wasn't even a fair fight.
Sweet Caroline Bup-bup-buh Alright.
Final lesson always be willing to walk away.
Hey, Ron.
I'm coming to you first 'cause we're old friends.
- It's Lon.
- Yeah.
Hey, listen.
It's a steep price on this one, but don't blame me.
I'm pocketing less than the kids that, you know, made this thing.
The Beagle Has Landed.
Sorry, Jay, none of these are selling.
Even the ones that look like hot cakes? Maybe a puppy will cheer you up.
I told you, not gonna happen.
You're giving up? I can't give these things away.
Forget everything I taught you today.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
Hey, mister, my dad was about to give you the deal of a lifetime 100 dog beds for a hundred bucks, so you can give one away with each new dog.
A hundred bucks, huh? I can see you're not serious.
Slow down that tail, buddy.
This is leaving with me.
[SIGHS.]
Wait, wait.
Don't walk away.
Would you do 50 bucks? Will you throw in a puppy? [DOG BARKS.]
I've had two late-in-life projects.
One, dog beds, was a bust.
- The other - [PUPPY WHINES.]
is looking pretty promising.
Alright, okay.
So, Handelman closed in '99, so no guest registry to tell us when we checked out.
Rental car companies are a dead end, and no credit card receipts.
God, Mitchell, it might be time for us to face some facts.
What? That some people very high up don't want us to know the truth? No.
That we might have to let Dad skate on this one.
- Never.
- [BOX RATTLES.]
Go easy on those bubble-gum cigarettes, Mitchell.
They're gonna kill you.
Look, we tried, right? I bought a pack of these the last night we were at that resort so I could try to look cool at some concert that we went to.
Hang on.
Where was it? I Oh-ho.
Bingo.
What do you see, huh? Uh um, me at the park in a hat with the name "Maddox" embroidered on it.
Oh, oh, I forgot about my Maddox Pritchett phase.
God, it is a miracle that you didn't need a police escort to school every day.
Not you, the marquee.
- Uh, "Tonight and Wednesday Only The Monkees.
" - Yes! And according to their website, they played the 14th and the 16th.
So, if we went the first night, that means we would have left the 15th, and we would have left early.
Okay, wait just a second.
I-I remember I was so upset - Yes.
- that our vacation was being cut short that I cheered myself up by going to the premiere of "Flashdance," which was on Ha! April 15th.
Yea What is up with you and that movie? She was so much more than a welder, and I was so much more than the president of Students Against TV on Weeknights.
Okay, I know you remember it this way, but how are we gonna prove it? - Bam! - [GASPS.]
My ticket, clearly marked "Opening Night.
" I'm gonna say "bam" again.
- Bam! - Oh! - I can't believe it.
- [GASPS.]
We might actually see Dad - admit that he was wrong! - Ah! - [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God, oh, my God! - [GASPS.]
- Do you think he'll cry? No.
- [SIGHS.]
Oof.
Claire, don't do that.
Just take the victory.
I mean, why why was he in such a rush to get home, you know? To To meet his buds at O'Brien's Pub? I don't know.
It's just Well, that is a little weird, though.
It says, "To Jay Pritchett, the greatest bartender in the universe.
- Dean Martin.
May 1, 1983.
" - Oh.
Since when was Dad a bartender? Wait, and this is right after our trip.
- I'm calling work wife.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- [SNIFFS.]
- MARGARET: Hello? Hey, Margaret, really quick Was Dad ever a bartender? Gosh, who knows? I wouldn't trust this memory of mine anyway, and [IMITATING STATIC.]
This is a bad connec [IMITATES STATIC.]
- Margaret.
- You know [IMITATES STATIC.]
that's what a bad connection stopped sounding like when phones stopped having antennas.
Fine.
Early days of the business, we couldn't make payroll.
He had to come back from a trip to pay everyone out of his own pocket.
Took the night job to make ends meet.
Why wouldn't he have told us? Probably didn't want to worry anyone.
Anyway, back to the wall, he did some of his best work.
Came up with a best-selling closet.
"Introducing the Maddox.
" [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
And around this corner is the entertainer's kitchen.
What are you doing here? Oh, I just came through the un-secure back door.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hello, again.
Hi.
We're still interested in your house.
We just might be leaning towards this one.
Oh, I'm very surprised.
People that like cooking so much Are you guys going to be happy with this tiny, little pantry that leads to a gigantic pantry? Are you ready to see the interactive nursery? [GASPS.]
The baby just kicked! - Oh.
- Hey.
We Are Are you all about to be my new neighbor? Hope you like to party.
My name's Fred.
They call me Peeper because Well, that doesn't matter.
Oh, you look, it's chocolate chip cookies! Kids, get in here! Get yourself some supper! These are my blessings.
Do I like ethnic women? Guilty.
Do you like farm-fresh eggs? I sold my very first house and destroyed my swooper.
Of course, the only way you can destroy a real swooper is to stab its reflection during the Harvest Moon.
- [CAR HORN HONKS.]
- Enjoy Poland, you two! Hey, Frank.
Afraid I was about to close up.
- Betsy's birthday.
- Okay, we'll come back, Don.
Well, h-hang on.
I'm I'm pretty nifty with the shears.
I used to I used to cut Luke's hair, and I once trimmed a hedge in our yard into the spitting image of Doug Henning.
Sold.
- Just lock her up.
- Thank you very much.
Hop on up there, young man.
[SIGHS.]
If I'm not mistaken, you saw your first naked lady - in this barbershop.
- You know it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hell of a crossing guard, but when she went crazy, she didn't go halfway.
- Well, that was her training.
- [CHUCKLES.]
So, Dad, um just gonna get this over with.
- Uh - Oh, boy.
Is this gonna be about me going back to the grocery store? Well, it it just seemed a little weird.
I heard you were there for hours.
The place was a mess.
I mean, where is the pride? Old days, they used to deliver my oranges on Tuesdays.
I could not have built a pyramid faster with 10,000 Hebrews.
So, you weren't just wandering? It's just I miss it, is all.
This takes me to my next question.
Um did you and Mom ever ever want a-a-another child? Well, I suppose all parents wonder how things would have changed if they had a different child.
I-I didn't didn't mean a different one.
I-I mean an additional one.
Why do you ask? Well, 'cause if you'd had another kid, maybe maybe he'd have taken over the business and and you wouldn't have had to sell.
I always I always felt kind of bad that I didn't.
The answer is no, Phil.
Never.
Because Well, you did take over the family business, didn't you? Keeping life light, making it fun for everybody.
I learned from the best.
[CHUCKLES.]
PHIL: When I was growing up, he was the cool dad.
He was hip.
He knew all the dances from "Grease.
" He knew all the expressions.
BFF best friends forever.
TMI too much information.
BJ blue jeans.
It makes me feel lucky.
We didn't do much that day, but it might have been one of the the best days I ever had with my dad.
I just didn't know it would be the last.
My dad was okay.
And my takeaway from our day Don't miss a chance to let the people you appreciate know that.
The hard part has been, um, figuring out a way to pay tribute to my dad, but something came to me in the garage today.
I think he would have liked it.
He left some big footprints, my old man.
- Look, they're getting along great.
- That's not our worry.
Your mother is.
Eight years, she ignored Stella, gave her a complex.
One time, I was clicking a pen.
Stella threw up 'cause she thought high heels were coming.
- GLORIA: Hola! - [DOOR OPENS.]
[DOG BARKS.]
What is this? He's the grownup.
Honey, we know how you feel about It's the cutest thing I've seen in my whole life! [GASPS.]
I love you! Oh, my God! I need a selfie with my best little boy! I'll be back! It's not your fault.
It is not your fault.