Bob's Burgers s11e12 Episode Script

1 LINDA: Candy cane moose We've had since Tina was born People think you're a reindeer But you're not, you're a moose.
With a little red nose.
(kisses) Aw.
I still feel like it's too soon to take these down.
It's only been a week since Christmas.
Eight days, Mom.
Which I happen to know because I've been trying to solve this stupid thing since Christmas! Come on, little ball.
Get out of your cage.
Get out of your cage! My stocking stuffer brings only joy and peace.
- (playing harmonica) - Gene? Gene? You said you were taking a little break? What? I couldn't hear you over my harmonica.
Is that hat for your hands? Have I been wearing hats wrong? No.
Santa thought my head was a little smaller, so I'm just stretching it out.
So, you're still putting Christmas stuff away? Yeah.
Say sweet dreams to the clothespin angel.
- Sweet dreams, clothespin angel.
- Kiss 'em.
- What? - Kiss 'em.
No.
No, thank you.
I don't want to kiss any more ornaments, Lin.
That's kind of why I went into the kitchen.
Also to juice with my antique juicer that you got me which I love more than life.
- That you told me to get you.
- Yeah, and I was right about how good a gift that would be.
Just like the perfume that I got you.
I love my perfume.
Joy by Joy Behar.
Just brings so much joy.
I miss your old smell of grease and crackers.
So, do you need us to keep helping with this incredibly long taking down the tree process? No, you guys helped the first three hours.
- It's fine.
- Well, in that case, I'd like to intro-juice you to Orange Lemon Basil.
I can't wait to taste the difference between this and Orange Lemon Mint.
Uh, forget Orange Lemon Mint.
I was a different person then.
(exhales) Okay, done with ornaments.
Moving on to holiday cards.
Aw, look at 'em.
All the beautiful, smiling families telling me Season's Greetings.
All the teenagers going through awkward phases.
- Oh, yeah, a bunch of other Tinas.
- What? You know, I don't think we got as many cards as we usually get.
Maybe we're being shunned? Because they're all jealous of our perfect skin and our long, long lashes? Oh, my God.
We are being shunned.
We're getting taken off of people's Christmas card lists.
Why would we get taken off people's Christmas card lists? Because of our long, long lashes? No, because I couldn't get it together this year to send our card out.
Or last year.
And that's how it happens.
You stop giving, you stop getting.
- Like high fives? - Yeah.
Right.
So, why didn't you send one out? - Seems easy enough.
- Well, excuse me, Miss Missy.
Hardest thing of all is getting a good picture of this family.
It's like wrangling a bunch of muddy babies.
You people probably don't remember the last picture we sent out, but I do.
Tina's eyes were half-shut, Gene was all blurry, and Louise was doing a serial killer face.
And that was the good picture.
You mean this serial killer face? - (screams) Yes.
Uh, stop it.
- Stop what? Stop it.
Ugh.
Look how good these pictures are.
Look at my cousin Valerie and her family on that cruise.
They were all pointing towards land or a whale or a dolphin.
And ours was in a grocery store.
That was the best we could do, standing in front of that pineapple display.
Oh, my God, pineapple.
Bob, for a minute, stop with the juice.
- Uh, never.
- Remember that year we tried to take our picture in that guy's yard because he had a nice fountain, and then he came out and got real mad? Why have a fountain if you won't let people do a Friends in it? Lin, I think you're being too hard on yourself.
They're just cards.
We'll take a good picture next year.
It's not a big deal.
Not a big deal?! Um, I-I mean, isn't that true? Thin card that gets thrown away? Not a big deal? - Uh, why is your eye twitching? - (Linda grunting) And she's kind of balling up her hands into fists.
Linda, breathe.
Bob doesn't know what he's talking about.
You know what? It's still January, right? - I mean, yes? - It's January somewhere.
So, 'tis still the season, sorta.
We're still in the winter.
We still have time, right? - For what? - If we went out somewhere nice to take a picture today, we could get cards printed tomorrow, send them and still be in the holiday card-giving window.
We'd be back in the card-getting business, baby.
Uh, w-wait, today? I mean Come on! You know it's gonna be a slow day at the restaurant.
Everyone's still on winter break, winter breaking.
I just figured that if it's a slow day in the restaurant, I could play I mean, work With the new juicer that you so thoughtfully got for me, my great love.
Yeah, and this is our last day of freedom before we have to go back to school.
Today, my only plan is to sit on my butt and solve this fun/infuriating puzzle.
Aah! Dang it.
I was planning on becoming a harmonica virtuoso today.
- (playing harmonica) - Gene, buddy? Please? You're killing me.
You are killing me.
Everybody, we're doing this.
So, come on, get dressed! - Let's go.
Let's go.
Go, go, go! - ALL: No! All right! And I found the perfect place.
I looked it up, and it's gorgeous.
We're on our way.
Uh, wait, what's the name of this place? Eh, don't worry about the name.
Wh-Why don't worry about the name? It's, uh, it's called something lookout.
- Okay.
- Three Mile Lookout.
What does that mean? You can see for three miles? - Whoa.
- Yeah, maybe.
Or, uh, or because it's a three-mile walk to get there.
- What? - What? Let me out! - What? Pull over! Drive, Bob, drive! Put the child locks on.
(kids shouting) - What? We-we don't have child locks.
- Just drive.
(whoops) Three Mile Lookout, here we come.
Then it's just a three-mile walk to a beautiful lookout.
- BOB: Mm.
- You're not my mother right now.
Oh, I can just see it.
Us in nature.
Everyone smiling, looking at the camera.
Some of us wearing hats? What do you think? Pom-pom to the left? Pom-pom to the right? Left? Or right? - Left? Right? - Tina, shh.
- Busy.
Puzzle.
- Okay, but real quick? Anyone have any requests, or shall I just riff? - (plays harmonica) Aah! - Tina.
- Sorry.
- Hey, kid in the middle.
Okay, I need room to work here, people.
- Ow.
- Ow.
Kids, no fighting.
When we take this picture, everyone's got to smile and mean it.
No grouchy grumps.
Bob, that goes for you, too.
Are you still made that I'm making you walk? - Yes.
- I love you.
In my head, I'm juicing right now.
Here, Bob, take the snacks.
I got the camera.
-I'll take the snacks -N-No, no, that's okay, Gene.
- I-I got it.
- Ah, you don't trust me.
- And rightly so.
- RANGER: Hey.
Going for a nice winter hike, huh? No.
We're here against our will.
- Wait, what? - No.
(chuckles) We didn't kidnap them.
Oh, well, that's a relief.
Now I don't have to fill out that form.
You know, actually, we're here to take a perfect holiday family photo.
Isn't it a little too late for that? No! It's still during the window.
- Uh, Lin.
- What? Well, you guys seem great.
Okay, be safe, don't litter, and no kicking pine cones.
They don't like it.
Mom, you know what I'm thinking? This parking lot is absolutely breathtaking.
We should take the picture here.
Oh, yeah.
That's a great idea.
So artistic if we did it, actually, just right here.
What? No.
We're taking a really, really nice picture.
It's our big comeback.
We're going up.
Wait, "up"? There's "up" involved in this? Yes.
It's called a lookout.
You have to go up to look out.
Everywhere's a lookout.
I'm looking out right now.
No.
Come on.
Everyone, practice your smiles and follow me.
(playing harmonica) (breathes deeply) Thank you.
(kids groaning) The air's thinner up here, right? Is the air thinner? People shouldn't walk up hills.
Gravity doesn't want us up here.
Did a bird poop twice on you guys, too? (gasps) Oh, it's even better than I imagined.
Okay, take a minute to get yourselves camera-ready.
Tina, get that poop off.
Do I have time for a blowout? My glam squad is about 20 minutes behind us.
Not this time, baby.
Bob, you're steaming.
Maybe try to get that under control? (panting): Okay.
I'll try to stop.
You look like a Cup O' Noodles over there.
All right, I'm gonna try and figure out this timer.
These things are easy, right? Oops! Wait, is this on ten seconds or three? - (camera clicking) - Hold on.
Aah! I pressed the timer.
Why'd it take a picture? - Aah! - Lin, do you want help? No, no, I got it.
- Oh, come on! - Uh, h-here, let me try.
- (timer beeping) - Okay, I think we're set.
- Butt shot.
- Nice! (timer beeping, camera clicks) Geez, what kind of timer is this? Who can move that fast? Cheetah people? I mean, we're Cheeto people.
Okay.
Oh, I think I just reset the date.
And I might have taken, like, 30 pictures up my nose.
- There's your Christmas card.
- Oh, ratzafratz! Uh, maybe we don't all have to be in it? Maybe I take it, and you can tell everyone that I left you to join the Army, and you're bravely carrying on without me.
Even though I'm braver because I joined the Army.
I already thought of that.
Doesn't work.
What if people see you in the restaurant? Can't you just say he's Dad's hot twin? - This plan is perfect.
I like it.
- All right, we're doing the hot-twin-Army-Dad plan.
Let's do this.
Oh! Hikers! - Hello! Hi! - Uh, yeah? Uh, can you take our picture? Uh, okay! Just, we're very far away from you! You won't be able to make out your faces! Oh, no, not from over there! Over here! On our camera! Please! We need a family picture! It's an emergency! Oh, okay! Oh, thank you so much.
We really appreciate it.
(panting): Sure.
It wasn't too far out of the way.
- It was pretty far.
- It was pretty far.
Louise, put the toy down.
Come on.
We're doing this.
Fine, I'll do it behind my back.
Okay, everyone squish in and say "ravioli.
" ALL: Ravioli.
- Got it.
- You know what? Could you just take a few more - just for safety? - Okay.
All right, everyone's eyes open? Bob, you still steamy? Wait, I was talking.
Can you take it again? You know, I know it doesn't really matter, but can you smile while you take it? I think we'll get a better smile out of the kids.
Right? Your face is kind of tight.
- Okay, thank you! - All right.
We're done.
Let's go.
- Oh, they're awful.
- What? Bad.
They're all bad.
Shadow.
Shadow.
Ugh, they're all in shadow.
And Gene's completely turned around in this one.
- I had to go.
- Maybe silhouette could be our thing? Like, you can't see our faces.
Who are we? Like, a-a mystery card.
Oh, her stupid thumb's in this one.
Ugh.
Stick to hiking, sweetie.
Okay, so, I guess we wait for another hiker to come along? - Maybe it'll be Annie Leibovitz.
- I have a better idea.
We make a hang glider out of Dad's underwear, and we glide down to the parking lot - and go home.
- That sounds nice.
Oh, I got the timer working! We don't need any more dumb hikers! And we're switching locations.
The sun's facing that way.
You people stand there.
I'm putting the camera here on this nice rock.
Hello, rock.
Thank you for being here.
Kids, you'll be back in your jammies before you can say, "Oh, my God, what a great Christmas card.
" Okay, but I'm pretty sure I used up all my fierceness.
Wait, I found a little more.
Mm.
-Oh, this is it! This is the moment.
-(timer beeping) Smile, people.
Smile, please.
- I'll never ask for anything again.
- Wait, my hat.
Wait, my this.
(farts) - Gene.
- Bob! Bob, smile.
- Everyone, you're not smiling! - (farts) Oh, whoops.
- (Louise laughs) - Yay, Dad! Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
(crying) Uh, oh, no.
Is it that bad? - Is it Tina's hat? - No! Oh, God, no.
It's it's - Yeah? - It's perfect.
It's more than perfect.
It's-it's the picture I have in my head when I think of you guys.
It's that double fart magic.
- So does that mean - We got it? We got it! - Oh, thank God.
- Oh, yeah! First one to the car gets to drive.
Okay.
Oh, thanks, everyone.
I know it was a long day and exercise is very difficult and awkward for this family, but this is really Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
(gasping) No ! Got it! I got it.
I got the camera.
- Thank God.
- (sighing heavily) Oh, that was close.
Okay, I'm pullin' it out.
(strained grunting) - Oh.
Oh, no.
- What, "oh, no"? The hole's not wide enough for my hand and the camera.
Wh-What are you talking about? I can't get my arm out without lettin' go of the camera, and if I let go of the camera Yeah, that would be bad.
- (birds screeching) - (Linda grunting) Should I play a mournful blues? - Probably not.
- I should - - Okay, okay, maybe we can - (straining) Ow, ow, no.
Mommy's elbow doesn't go that way.
I can't see any way to get the camera.
I can't reach it from any angle.
Uh, maybe if we had a trained bird? Oh, now you want a trained bird.
Before Christmas it's all, "We can't get a trained bird.
" Maybe we could try to train that squirrel? Hi Oh, he's gone.
Okay, what if we drop the camera Wait, hear me out And not do this anymore? Ooh, he likes it.
He likes it.
She's frowning.
Lin, at some point we might have to consider saying goodbye to the camera.
No.
Never.
The best picture our family has ever taken is on this thing.
You didn't see it.
I saw it! (straining): It was like a a fairy tale, but in but in real life.
But maybe we don't need a picture on the Christmas card.
Just some nice words? I'm ready with the bubble letters.
Oh, Tina, I love your bubble letters, but that's the worst idea anyone's ever had.
Okay, let me try something.
Hey, Mom, can you show me how to eat corn on the cob again? I forget how and I need to know.
For school.
Uh, corn school.
Uh-uh.
I'm not fallin' for the old "How do I eat corn on the cob" trick.
Who even knows.
- Damn, she's good.
- Maybe I try something.
Hey, Mom, what number comes after nine? - What? Ten.
- Right, but, um, show me on your fingers how many ten is.
For, um, corn school.
Crap.
- Nope.
- Mom, I need a hug.
A two-armer.
Uh-uh, Gene.
Hug your father.
All right, Dad, let's do this.
Pushin' the rocks, pushin' the rocks Pushin' and pullin' and pushin' the rocks Kickin' the rocks, lookin' good Makin' nets that fall apart.
(moaning): Oh, oh, my hand's gettin' so tired.
- Oh, no.
- Does it want to go home and take a nap? Here, Mom, you can use my hat to cushion your arm.
(grunting) Little help? (all grunting) (sighs): Ah, thanks, Tina.
That pom-pom feels nice.
Kids, have snacks and enjoy the day.
Yay, snacks.
This boy wouldn't say no to some hot cocoa.
Blah.
What is this?! It-It's my juice.
Did you put it in there as a prank? No.
And don't waste it.
I-I think I juiced, like, 30 oranges to fill this thing.
This is not a juice situation, Father.
Gene, I will ground you so hard.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I-I just miss my juicer so much.
TINA: Yeah, we heard you two singing together.
- Who likes to juice? - I like to juice.
- You like to juice? - That's what I said.
Juicey, juicey, juice, juice, juice, juice, juice I love you more than anyone.
Why couldn't you have just juiced some hot chocolate, you psychopath?! I guess that's it.
We're out here in the snow like a bunch of Jeremiah Johnsons and there's nothin' we can do about it.
Louise, no one's turning into Jeremiah Johnson.
Also, I don't know how you know that movie.
It's a movie? I just made up the name 'cause it sounded good.
What? No, it's a Oh, forget it.
Okay, the plan to squirt a bunch of soap down there and twist my arm out didn't work 'cause we don't have soap.
And that idea to pry my arm out with a stick really didn't work, and now there's a stick stuck in here.
And my hand's gettin' numb.
My hands are getting numb, too.
Dang it.
How am I supposed to solve this dumb thing with dumb numb hands? Agh! Hey, just curious Are we gonna be spending the night here? 'Cause if so, we're gonna need to add a few rooms to this thing.
Oh.
Make sure my room has a California King.
And I want jets in the tub.
Lin, it's gonna start getting dark soon, and we still need to hike three miles back down.
Also, the snacks are gone.
Guess we're gonna have to scavenge.
Tina, go find that squirrel, befriend it, - and then betray it.
- Fine.
No! We're not eating squirrels and we're not spending the night.
Just leave me here.
Uh, uh, go back down to the car.
I'll-I'll figure it out.
- 'Kay.
- Bye, Mom.
- Miss you.
Guys, no.
We're not going anywhere without your mother.
But snacks! Oh, oh! I-I have a lozenge in my pocket.
Everyone take a lick, and-and maybe, uh, huddle together to stay warm.
Blow on each other with your nice hot family breath.
I'm saving my hot breath for this.
- (playing harmonica) - No! Oh, it's you folks again.
Heh.
That sounded like Bob Dylan got caught in a trap.
- Thank you.
- Would you look at that sunset? Wow.
You folks get a good picture? (laughs weakly) Uh, funny story.
- Can it be a short story? - Eh, it's pretty short.
Uh, my wife dropped the camera, but then she caught it, now her hand is stuck in that hole.
Yeah, she won't let go of it, but if she did, we could leave and go to our warm house.
Sorry, did I say that out loud? Mr.
Ranger, here's the thing: the best picture we've ever taken as a family is on this camera.
I need it to make holiday cards because we never sent them out the last couple years, and-and people are startin' to take us off their card-giving lists, - and-and-and if we - Uh, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
- Look, we see this all the time.
- Really? No.
I just wanted to stop you from talking - so I can tell you something.
- Yeah? You have to go.
No one can be in this park after sunset.
Yup, uh, we'll-we'll be outta here in a jiff.
Uh, I'm about to crack this thing here.
Well, it's sunset now, so you have to go right now.
This is like, the main part of my job.
Well, I mean, this and cleaning the bathroom.
Which I definitely always do.
Well, I'm not going anywhere without this camera.
- You're not leaving? - No.
Okay.
So this is your first warning.
Oh, um, how many warnings are there? There's three, and we're nearing warning number two.
It's comin' around the bend.
Here she comes, and second warning.
(sighs) Lin, maybe just do what he says? I can't, Bob.
I can't let go of this camera.
Third warning means I gotta take away your park pass.
We were supposed to have a park pass? I mean, oh, uh-oh.
Do you not have a park pass, sir? Oh, uh, no, we do.
I was just thinking of another, uh, pass that we have.
Oh, yeah.
We have so many passes.
- I, uh, pass, pass, pass, pass.
- We hike all the time.
- Oh, so much.
We love it.
- Yeah.
Well, you guys didn't let me finish.
I'm gonna take away your park pass, I issue you a ticket, and if you don't come willingly, that's called, "resisting a park ranger.
" But who can resist a man in uniform? Sorry.
So you're gonna have to pay a hefty fine, your family's gonna be escorted out of the park, and that's probably not the best way to wrap up a quality family outing.
Anyway, warning number three.
- Lin, please.
- I, uh Do we have permission to tickle her? Do we have permission?! Lin, I know this means a lot to you, but there's a ranger here who is gonna make us pay a lot of money and also maybe carry you out? Or me out? I'm not sure which.
- Let's play it by ear.
- Please carry me out.
Can you just, maybe, I'm sorry but, - let go of the camera? - No way.
I'm not throwing away my shot of us.
Look, folks, just to clarify, the third warning is not really a warning.
It's like the final thing, and I just said it, so that means now you're gonna get Ranger arrested.
So, how are we gonna do this? Come on, Mom, you're so obsessed! You gotta learn to let things go.
Literally.
Agh! Damn you, game! Why did Santa curse me with this ! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I just solved it! (laughing) Yes.
Yes! (whoops) Okay.
Now my life has no purpose.
That's, uh, great, Louise.
Lin, please.
Look, I know you all think I'm crazy right now, but it's-it's more than just a picture, and the-the cards.
It's about being a human.
These cards connect us with other people.
And when there's no people left in the world, the aliens will find our cards, and they'll be like, "Aw, look at that family.
" Oh, fine.
Forget it.
My hand's so numb, I probably should just drop it.
Okay, here I go.
- Ah - Wait, Mom, don't.
- My puzzle.
- Yeah, I know, you solved your puzzle.
I'm proud of you, baby.
Didn't take you long at all.
(coughs): Eight days.
No, I think I know how to get you out of there.
- And the camera.
- You do? Yeah.
We've been trying to turn your arm, but we need to turn you.
- Me? - So, we'd have to turn Mom upside down? I think so? I solved my puzzle by turning the ball all the way around while pulling.
Maybe that's how we get you out We keep turning you until we find the sweet spot, and then wham-bam, freedom, ma'am.
Hopefully.
- Huh.
- I mean, it's worth a try.
I call all the change in her pockets.
And her ChapStick.
Um, Mr.
Ranger, would you mind helping us turn my wife upside down? I thought you would never ask.
- Oh.
Really? - But only because I'm a park ranger (clears throat) and it's my job, and not because she just made me cry a little bit and I miss my family.
Uh, well, maybe if I grab here, you lift there.
Kids, take the legs.
GENE: This is exactly how Cirque du Soleil got their start.
All right, we good? We ready? - KIDS: Ready.
- RANGER: Check.
- And, Lin, whatever you do - Yeah, yeah? What, what? Don't drop that camera.
Mwah.
Even if my arm gets broken into a million pieces.
Well, no, then you should probably drop it.
Okay, here we go.
(grunting) (all grunting) LINDA: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch it, watch it.
(Linda laughs triumphantly) Ah! We did it! We actually did it! Oh, my God.
Hello, hand.
Oh, come here, kids.
Oh, Bobby.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
- My family.
- (laughs) I'm so happy for you guys.
And I need you to immediately leave the park.
- Uh, yup, right.
We're going.
- Thank you, Mr.
Park Ranger.
I've solved you, wooden puzzle, and now I'm done with you.
Return to the hell from which you came! Okay, well, please don't just throw puzzles you're angry at - into the rock.
- Right.
Sorry.
And, hey, keep a lookout in your ranger station mailbox for the best family portrait card you've ever seen! And they walked out of my life.
(Bob humming) Anybody on lime time? - I'd love some water.
- No! No water.
- Water is stupid juice.
- (bell jingles) - Okay who wants to see 'em? - Yes.
- Me.
- I do.
Okay, printing's not cheap, so don't touch 'em if your hands are gross and greasy.
Well, they always are so what are you gonna do? - Yeah, we work in a restaurant.
- Eh? - LOUISE: Whoa.
- GENE: Ooh.
- Hot damn.
- Wow.
We'll never look that good again.
I know.
Take it in.
It's all downhill from here.
For you, Dad, and Mom.
- Not us.
We're young.
- Thanks, Louise.
- My wiener's out.
- What?! Candy cane moose We've had since Tina was born People think you're a reindeer But you're not, you're a moose Candy cane moose We've had since Tina was born People think you're a reindeer But you're not, you're a moose Clothespin angel Clothespin angel Clothespin angel Kiss 'em, kiss 'em Clothespin angel Come on, kiss 'em, kiss 'em Clothespin angel - Kiss 'em, kiss 'em - Yeah!