Cheers s11e12 Episode Script

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
(phone ringing) (answering machine clicks) WOODY (over machine): Hi, this is Cheers.
Well, it isn't actually Cheers, it's Woody Boyd.
Cheers is actually the bar, and as such, it couldn't be expected to talk.
SAM: Woody, start again.
WOODY: Why? I'm doing fine.
Anyway, uh, there's no one here to take your call right now.
Well, actually, if you called right now, we could take your call, but if you call when you're SAM: Woody, would you cut it out? It's sounding stupid.
WOODY: I am not.
W-W-Why do you always treat me like I don't know what I'm doing? SAM: It sounds stupid, Woody.
WOODY: It does not.
(machine beeps) Hi, Sam, this is Woody.
Uh, I guess you were right.
It does sound stupid.
I'll change it tomorrow.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
(door opens) Hey, everybody.
How's it going? Hey, Norm, look at this.
I just got myself a brand-new video camera.
Ooh, nice one.
Looks kind of expensive.
Oh, yeah, it is, it is, but it-it'll pay for itself in no time at all.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah, I plan to stage some footage for those programs, you know, like America's Funniest Home Videos, Rescue 911, Nightline, stuff like that.
Cliff, I don't think Nightline is staged.
You are so naive.
(door opens) Good afternoon, everybody.
Hey, Doc.
Hey.
So, what's new? Got a message for you here, Fras.
Yeah, here we go.
Shauna called you.
(patrons hoot) Now, settle down, class.
Shauna is my secretary.
(all hooting) My temporary secretary.
She's all of 21 years old, for God's sake.
(all hooting) Come on, stop it, you guys.
Have a little class, will you? So you going to try and bag her? No, I am not.
Although it's not entirely out of the realm of reality.
It does seem that the lass has a a thing, for Dr.
Crane.
(laughs) (chuckles) Good for you.
Well, I mean, after all, it's not so hard to believe.
I've been keeping myself in pretty good shape.
You know, I've been Nordic Tracking it every night.
Don't you worry, Peter.
Your parents' 50th anniversary party will go off without a hitch.
We'll provide everything you need the food, the drinks, the decorations, the works.
Sign here.
I can't thank you enough for all your help.
Good, then we'll see you on Sunday afternoon.
You'll find every detail will be perfect.
Terrific, now all I need is a photographer.
Hey, whoa, whoa, hey.
Whoa, whoa.
Excuse me, there, buddy boy.
I, uh, couldn't help overhearing that you're looking for a photographer? That's right.
Well, you are in luck.
I'm Clifford Clavin, one of the best camcorder jockeys in all of Boston.
If you're in the video business, why are you dressed as a mail-man? Costume party down at the Directors Guild.
Yeah.
So, what do you say? You want me to do your party for, for 50 clams? Sounds terrific.
I guess I'm pretty lucky to have run into you.
Yeah.
I'll see you on Sunday.
Hey, you betcha.
Huh, huh, huh? What do you think, Norm, huh? It's the beginning of a whole new career there.
Yeah.
Speaking of which, uh, I could use an assistant for my video endeavours.
Uh, what do you say? I could start you off at 20, uh, 15 bucks.
I could use the money.
I've got to get Vera a Christmas present.
Uh, Christmas was a couple of weeks ago.
Oh, my.
(door opens) Hi, Dr.
Crane.
Oh, hello, Shauna.
(patrons hoot softly) You, uh, left some papers on your desk, and they looked important, so I thought I'd bring them over.
Well, you didn't really I mean, these weren't that important.
There's no need, uh, these could have waited.
Oh, I-I don't mind.
I-I wasn't doing anything anyway, and besides, it gives me a chance to see you outside of the office.
I think you look even better in here.
Yes, uh, dank basements flatter me.
(laughing) (laughing) Oh, Dr.
Crane.
Can I ask you a question? Well, yes, go right ahead.
Well, this is probably against the rules, but would you be at all interested in, you know, seeing each other outside the office sometime? (hooting softly) Uh, well, uh, oh, uh, gosh, Shauna, I, uh, you know, I'm-I'm terribly busy, and of course there is my son to think of.
Oh, hey, listen, I-I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable.
Um, tell you what.
Let me just go check and see if you have any messages, and then I'll be on my way.
Are you crazy? Did I just hear you turn down a date with that girl? Come on, man, reel her in.
Oh, Sam, you don't seem to understand.
Look, I just came off a seven-year marriage.
It's hard to think of replacing Lilith.
Just go to the morgue and open any drawer.
Listen, listen, listen, listen.
I'm not, I'm not saying you got to replace the corp replace Lilith.
All I'm saying is, you know, ask-ask her out on a date.
Well, perhaps i-in a few days maybe.
No, come on, do it now.
Ask her right this sec I tell you, if you don't, I'm gonna ask her out.
You got one minute on the old Sammy clock.
All right, by George, I'll do it right this minute.
Attaboy.
Frasier Crane is back in the game.
(laughs) No messages.
Uh, Shauna, uh, what you were saying before, uh, about our seeing each other, um Well, uh, to put it this way, uh, about, you know, you and me, uh You got about 30 seconds.
Would you really like to go out with me? (chuckles) You bet I would.
You know, uh, I have an idea.
Instead of going out, why don't you come over to my place for dinner on Sunday night? Uh, your place? Uh, well, I'd be delighted.
Uh, can I bring anything- a dessert maybe? Oh, no, Dr.
Crane.
Don't bring dessert.
I'll take care of that.
You're going to get dessert! You're going to get dessert! I told you we're closed.
It's a private party.
Employees only.
Please.
I'll tell them I own the place.
I do it all the time.
For the last time, go home! Ow! Carla, will you stop being rude to the customers? It was Paul.
Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't see through the glass.
(door opens) Okay, here we are, Frederick.
(chuckling): Hey.
It's my pal Freddy.
Go to your Uncle Sammy there.
Here we go.
Oh, Sam.
Listen, I can't thank you enough for volunteering to fill in when the babysitter cancelled.
I mean, if you hadn't offered, I wouldn't be able to see Sauna tonight.
I mean, I mean Shauna.
Wow, boy, there's a slip for you! (Frasier and Sam laugh) Aw, it's my pleasure.
You're looking good, Freddy.
Okay, now, I brought some of his toys here.
We've got his, uh, his choo-choo.
Hmm.
And his blankey.
Mm-hmm.
And his toy soldier.
Here you go.
Ooh, cool.
And, uh- well, let's see bag full of educational crap that Lilith got him.
Ah.
And his, uh, favourite book The Runaway Bunny.
You keep that book away from me.
How come, Carla? I have eight kids.
I've read that book a thousand times, and every time I read it, I bawl like a baby.
Oh, no kidding.
"Once there was a little bunny Stop it.
No, stop it.
"who wanted to run away" (continues reading) Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Frasier, can I take Freddy a minute? Well, of course.
You remember Auntie Rebecca? Hello.
Good boy, Frederick.
Yeah, take them both, take them both.
There you go.
Thank you.
All right, Sam, now listen, here's a list of numbers.
Here's, uh, my beeper.
This is, uh, Shauna's house.
And this is Lilith at the eco-pod.
They got a telephone at the eco-pod? Well, no, it's just for emergencies, but, uh, listen, call her, yank her chain for me.
I won't have a chance to do it tonight.
(laughs) I'll see if I can get to it.
Thanks.
Oh, and, uh, one other thing I need to discuss with you.
Very important, uh, in, uh, private.
Could you just join me in the men's room? In the men's room? That's a little weird, isn't it? Oh, Sam, get your head out of the seventh grade for God's sake! We're just two men having a private conversation.
All right, okay.
Well, don't go in with me! How would that look?! CLIFF: Oh! All right, hey, there you are.
Okay, everybody, just relax.
Don't mind me.
Pretend like I'm not here.
There you are.
Everything's all set.
I took the liberty of making name tags for everybody.
See? Hello, my name's Rebecca.
And this one is for you, Peter.
And your name is? We're all family.
We know each other's names.
Well, let me make one out for you anyway.
B-I-T-C Come on, man.
I got a party out here! FRASIER: All right, Sam, please.
This is very important.
(door unlocks) (hums) What do you think? Oh, it's super.
Really? Oh, you're ser? Oh, I'm no, I'm sorry.
No, uh oh, I can't lie to you, man.
This is just, uh Well, it's-it's not you.
(laughs) Damn, you know It looked so good on the Styrofoam head.
Oh, hell, Sam, who am I trying to kid? Oh, this is ridiculous.
I'm gonna call Shauna and cancel.
Oh, well, wait a second.
Wh-What are you doing, man? She likes you.
Didn't you hear what she said? "Oh, no, Dr.
Crane, don't bring dessert.
I'll take care of that.
" (both laugh) Oh, I'm just I'm just too old to be dating.
Oh, stop it! Come on, you were a ladies man before you met Lilith, weren't you? Well, yeah.
Yeah, you were! Hey, look at that.
Look at that.
You are a good-lookin' man.
Well, I'm not exactly a a dog.
(chuckling) Come on.
Go over there, enjoy yourself.
You know, all you've got to do is bring a little champagne, some flowers, sweet talk her a little bit.
Before you know it, it's time to go home.
Or maybe, you don't go home.
You know what I mean? (both laughing) Is that the way, uh, most dates go for you, Sam? No, now come on, now, don't do that.
See, this is not a test.
You're not expected to perform at my level.
The thing is just to enjoy myself, as myself.
Yes.
Okay.
Thanks, Sam.
Yeah, yeah.
Now, Frasier Crane is gonna go get some before it gets cold.
(laughs) Oh Everything okay in here, Sam? Yeah, yeah, no problem just, uh, you know, I had to help Frasier out with something.
(clicks tongue) We've got bigger problems, Sam.
Those things are back! (doorbell chimes) Well, come on in, Dr.
Crane.
Dinner's on the table.
How old are you, like, 90? Okay, so this button's the "on-off" button.
This, uh, this button here makes it louder or softer.
And these two buttons right here make everything bluer or greener.
Those two are my favourites.
Have a ball there.
Poor kid.
Probably don't let him watch enough TV at home.
Yeah.
It's a wonder why some people even have kids.
Oh Great shot.
Great shot.
Oh! Hey, listen, ma'am, would you mind holding this in your lap and just tilt it up at an angle like that? I want to do a slow tracking shot.
Hi, sexy.
What are you going to be doing after work tonight? Trying to forget you asked me that.
Well, you do great work.
Look for your, uh, credits in the end titles, there, sweetheart.
Cliffie, what's this red blinking light mean? Oh, that means the battery's dead.
All right, give me the spare.
I'll slap it in for you.
Actually, I don't, I don't have a spare there, Norm.
Okay, uh, no problem, just give me the power cord.
We'll find an outlet.
These come with power cords? What are you? What are you telling me? That this camera doesn't this camera is useless? These people paid us good money, Cliff.
What are we going to do?! Relax, will you, Norm.
We'll-We'll figure out some kind of a plan.
Well, you'd better come up with something.
All right, here.
Here's what we'll do.
All right.
We'll just carry on and film as though nothing's wrong.
We'll pretend the camera's working.
Then in a couple of days when they call us for the film, we'll say, "We dropped it in the mail.
It must have gotten lost.
" All right? We got the 50 bucks, nobody's the wiser.
Great, great, as long as you have a plan.
Norm, you know, in a couple of weeks, nobody here's gonna remember some stupid anniversary party.
Yeah.
(clinking) Attention, everyone! I've waited Wait a minute, Dad.
Say it into the camera.
We want to preserve this moment forever.
Hey, guys, come on over! Okay, coming right up! Come on, Norm.
Let's go capture this moment on video tape.
I-I don't know why it's taken me so long to say this to you kids, but I love you, every one of you.
Cliff, you've got to tell them.
It's not my fault the guy took 50 years to tell his kids he loved them.
I mean, what kind of father is that anyway? All right, so there was one moment in the whole thing.
Big whoops.
I mean, you know, with all the drinking and yelling, nobody's gonna remember anything.
Grandma! Grandpa! I flew 34 hours in a marine cargo plane to get here.
But it's worth it all just to say, "Happy Anniversary, I love you!" (gasping, applause) Oh, Terry, my baby boy! Thank God we're getting this on tape! (sotto voce): Yeah, thank God.
My God, Terry.
They wouldn't tell us if you were alive or dead.
There's one thing that kept me alive.
I was thinking about coming home to you.
Oh! Oh! All right, Cliff, come on.
What are we gonna do here? You got to tell them.
All right, look, look everybody.
My boss here has an announcement to make.
Uh, yeah, everybody.
I've got to go on my break.
My assistant will take over.
All right, now, let's, uh, squeeze in tight everybody.
So you're, uh, Shauna's family.
You know, when Shauna invited me for dinner, she didn't mention that we'd be having dinner with her whole family.
(Frasier chuckles) Interestingly enough, many young people today are choosing to move back in with their parents.
We call it the, uh, "Full Nest Syndrome.
" It wasn't her choice.
Well Shauna's made some bad decisions.
She's not real good on responsibility.
Well, I must say that she, uh, she handled herself quite well this week at my office.
Thank you, Dr.
Crane.
See?! Oh, yeah, Doctor, I forgot I was getting a professional opinion.
Where did you go to school? Harvard.
Well, la-di-da.
And is this what they taught you at Harvard? How to take advantage of my daughter? Sir, I am not taking advantage.
I was merely invited for an innocent little dinner.
Oh? Just "an innocent little dinner"? Mind if I check your wallet? There's no need for that! I don't like this, Shauna.
But why not, Daddy? Isn't this the kind of guy that you always wanted me to date? Is this the choice you give me? Either some silver-spoon egghead or that hippy? Why are you bringing up Rick? I thought I was forbidden to see Rick.
"Rick"? That's her old boyfriend.
Okay, I get it.
All right, thank you, Shauna, for inviting me to be a little pawn in your game.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just be going.
Oh, no, please stay, Dr.
Crane.
Everything is fine.
Everything is just fine.
Uh, Tater Tots? I don't know why he likes Shauna.
She's only big up there, 'cause she stuffs.
Shut up, Todd! He would have found out, in, like, a year.
Make him shut up! (motorcycle approaching) And whom else have we invited for dinner, tonight, Shauna? If I'm right and this is in fact the worst night of my life, it would be Rick.
Well, you know that drop-out's not allowed in this house.
Shauna! Rick! You came for me.
You really do love me.
Oh, please.
That's it, I'm calling the police.
Daddy, why can't you like Rick? Can't you see that we're in love? Don't you run out on me, Shauna! I'm your father! (door slams) Don't lock that door.
Don't lock that door.
Don't lock that door.
(pounding on door) I think I'll just be going now.
Why? Everything is just fine.
It's just fine.
Now, who's got room for dessert? So I guess, Freddy, uh, you know what they're saying is that wherever the baby bunny goes, the mommy bunny is is there waiting for him to take care of him.
I guess I, uh, must have touched my eye with some of that, uh, salt from the peanuts.
(crying): Me, too.
That's it, yeah.
Let's do the good-byes now.
Wave, yes.
See you later.
Had a good time.
We're gonna need a lot of copies of this.
Oh, yes, sir.
Well, you'll get 'em.
All right, sir.
You'll get those copies, all right.
We're going to jail, Norm.
What do you mean "we"? I'm only the assistant here.
(groans) Everybody, I have something to say.
I want you all to know that you have given me the strength to do this.
(gasping, murmuring) This is too much, Cliff.
Either you tell them now, or I'm going to.
Yeah, well, I guess I'd better before Bigfoot walks in here and starts singing "The Anniversary Waltz.
" I guess if you give me the tape, we'll be going.
Oh! So you want the tape right now? Uh, I tell you what, how about if I take a shot from up here, one last shot.
Norm, uh Everybody, over here! Turn this way, uh let me see those pearly whites, huh? Okay, everybody smile.
Okay, we'll just back it up here, Norm.
Back it up.
(clears throat): Open the door, Norm.
Okay, back it up.
That's good.
Okay, I'm just gonna back it up.
Everybody wave, yeah.
Run like hell! Yahtzee! (laughing)