King of the Hill s11e12 Episode Script

So you've, uh got bedbugs? It was only a matter of time.
Man, you look just like a dang ol' leper, man.
You talkin' 'bout don't make me itch, man.
Uh, man.
It's not just Bill.
There's a bedbug epidemic going on! Well, you're awful chipper about it.
I've got more work than I can handle.
And my, shall we say, lack of competence creates a lot of repeat business.
Little help, Hank? Of course not.
For only a thousand dollars we can rent a matching set of penguins to show people to their reception tables.
Huh, sounds kind of classy.
That is your third snort in five minutes, Hank, and I know for a fact you do not have a head cold.
I'm sorry, but this wedding is getting out of control.
What you guys should be doing is saving your money so you can move out of my den.
The house across the street's for sale, how about putting it towards that? Ooh! We could get married on a cliff in front of a castle! Luanne, that's not even a picture of a wedding.
It's a Jaguar ad.
Baby doll, there is nothing I want more than to make your dreams come true.
And since you're rich, you can! Well, now, my settlement money was down to $9,000 after buying my new truck rims.
You're rich and you can! Of course, baby girl.
It's just dang ridiculous.
They should be planning for their future A future that's not in my den.
Hank? Luanne is a pregnant college drop-out, marrying a 38-year-old snaggle-toothed slip-and-fall man.
It is extremely likely that her wedding day is going to be the best day of her life.
Do not take that away from her.
Lucky! Evenin', Uncle Hank.
I'd give it a minute if I were you.
Oh, and by the way, I share your concerns about being able to provide for Luanne's future.
Well, if you're that concerned, you could always get a job.
A job huh? Well, I did always like the idea of being a state trooper.
You know, the-hunted-becomes- the-hunter type thing? But I don't think they'll go for it.
Thanks anyway, Uncle Hank.
Ugh.
Peggy, I'm going to go brush my teeth at Boomhauer's.
With liberty and justice for all.
Amen.
All right, everybody, let's get to work.
Dale? What are you doing here? I'm here to treat for bedbugs.
Isn't it great? They're everywhere! Whoa! Is it okay to breathe this stuff? No time for small talk, Enrique.
I have ten other service calls today and I'm already running behind.
Well, if you're really stretched that thin, Lucky's looking for a job.
He's got a baby on the way and needs to find a place of his own to raise it.
Hmm A man under extreme domestic pressure.
He would be very compliant.
Tell him to report at 0900 hours And it's his day to bring muffins.
Oops.
Lord, these gowns are price-y.
Uh-huh.
And, as a pregnant bride, the more money you spend, the less shame you'll feel.
Now, Luanne is going to assign each of you a body part, and you have to tell her if it looks bad in the dress.
I've got back fat! I found it! Her butt going to look huge in that.
I've got backside! Welcome to Dale's Dead Bug, World Headquarters.
All right, time to gear up.
This is your gas mask.
And these are your goggles.
You look like a bug! You look like a bug.
And I know what to do with a bug! Ew Ow.
Why do my boyfriends always die? I'm so sorry, Lucky! I'm so sorry! Lucky? You got nothing to be sorry for, Dale.
These things just happen.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Wow, Lucky.
That's really philosophical of you.
Well, I've been through this a couple times before.
Of course I'm gonna have to sue you But after that, everything's gonna be fine.
Sue me? Hang in there, buddy.
I'm giving you a morphine drip.
'Preciate it.
I find that three cc's dulls the pain without affecting the admissibility of my testimony.
Mm Ohhh I'm sorry you're in such pain.
Me having to sue Dale hurts almost as much as my grievous injuries.
But I have no choice.
I can't work, and you need your wedding.
And now, because of your ruptures and contusions, we can have a fantastic wedding! Hey! It's Lawyer Johnson! Hello, Lucky! Mm! When I say you look like a million bucks, I mean it! Are you the one who's gonna get us all the money? Lucky's done the hard part.
So, are you suffering from nausea? Blackouts? Vomiting? No more so than usual.
I didn't hear that.
I just heard nausea, blackouts and vomiting.
Now, Mr.
Johnson, since I'm suing a friend of the family, I don't want to get greedy.
Mm, that's very noble.
You just leave the worrying about being greedy to me.
I can't believe I'm getting sued.
And by Edward Johnson, the "King of Torts.
" He won that title in a lawsuit, you know.
You got to help me, Hank.
Now, look, I know this whole thing is asinine, but this is exactly why you have liability insurance.
You do have liability insurance, don't you? Yeah, because you made me.
Hey, thanks.
How 'bout this, Luanne.
You ride down the aisle on a white horse.
White horse? Seen it.
How 'bout a unicorn? Uncle Hank, you have to try this cake.
The icing is made out of 24-carat gold.
You're so bent on wasting money you're going to eat gold? Extravagance! What if we have doves land on the cake?! Of course, we'll have to train them not to poop on it.
I'm not insured! Mr.
Gribble, I'd like to thank you for coming today with your counsel.
Don't answer that.
It wasn't a question, Counselor, it was a pleasantry.
Don't look at me.
Mr.
Gribble, with your counsel's permission and mind you, I'm not looking at him, I would like to address your lack of insurance.
Where will we get the money for our wedding? My dear, don't worry.
Rule number one in litigation Somebody always pays.
Now, my client's injuries resulted from an incident involving pesticide spray.
Who makes your pesticide? And the answer I'm looking for is one of the deep pocket poison makers.
Dow.
Dupont.
Ciba-Geigy.
I make my own.
Oh.
Okay.
Uh, what about the stairs Lucky fell down? Were they built by a large developer? Successful contractor? I built them without a permit.
Well, Dale's Dead Bug gets us nothing.
If you want to play hardball, we could probably take Gribble's house.
Yeah, let's take Gribble's house.
No, don't take Gribble's house! Believe me, you don't want it.
There's so many liens and assessments against it, Gribble barely owns it.
Yeah.
Well, it's still better than nothing.
I'm sorry, Dale.
Damn Hank for making me hire you! Hank? Who's Hank? We have a 24-hour rule here, Joe Jack.
Good news, Hank.
Luckys not suing me anymore.
We've resolved everything.
Oh, thank God.
Sol guess that means you two are going to have a sensible, inexpensive wedding after all, huh? Nuh-uh, it's gonna be a blowout! Mr.
Hill, I have filed a lawsuit on behalf of my client - against Strickland Propane.
- What?! How can you possibly sue Strickland? Because it was you, as a Strickland Propane employee, who set this tragic chain of events in motion.
Yeah, none of this would have happened if you hadn't persuaded me to hire Lucky.
Oh! I'm getting my dream wedding! Let me get a hug, too.
Uncle Hank, bring your leg over here It's the best I can do.
You explain to me how Strickland had anything to do with Lucky getting hurt And no mumbo jumbo.
Strickland Propane is what the law refers to as the "respondent superior.
" That's mumbo jumbo for when an employer Strickland Propane Is responsible for the wrongful acts of its employee-you.
Buck's making a dash for his Caddy! Uh, we've got a situation here, Buck.
I know it, OI' Top.
Got my trouble bag, and I'm headed for the border.
Since you're jobless, we can take as long a honeymoon as we want.
What are you so mad about? Strickland Propane's got the insurance to pay for everything.
Because it's wrong! Frivolous lawsuits are chasing good people out of business, people who sell propane, people who manufacture flu vaccine, and people who make lawn darts.
And one day, because of all the damn lawyers, there might not even be any doctors to deliver babies.
I get the propane and doctors, but what's wrong with lawn darts? I hate to see a man Armor-All his truck in anger.
I guess you got every right to be mad at me, Uncle Hank, but Luanne wants her dream wedding pretty bad.
So you're going to sue innocent people to give it to her? Look, Lucky, this isn't just about getting out of my house or throwing an extravagant wedding.
This is about knowing the difference between right and wrong so you can teach it to your kids.
So you ate the warning label and choked on it? Yeah, and now I want to sue someone for a lot of money.
You're the boss, Jimmy.
I'm the boss! Mr.
Johnson, I want to drop the lawsuit.
I don't feel right about suing Strickland Propane.
They didn't do nothin' wrong.
Well, they were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
That's two wrongs.
Look, Lucky, you've got a winner of a case.
I'd be guilty of legal malpractice if I let you drop it.
You don't want me to lose my license, do you? For God's sake, Bill, you've been picking, haven't you? I'm sorry, Hank, I'm a picker.
Uncle Hank, I tried to drop the lawsuit, but Lawyer Johnson explained to me in lawyer talk how it couldn't be done.
I guess we're going to have to hire a lawyer of our own.
Buck's got a list of them taped under his desk.
Unless But most of Buck's lawyers are paternity guys.
I said unless! Thank you.
Okay, everyone always fakes an injury so they can sue.
But just suppose Lucky were to fake not being injured so he couldn't sue.
Elegant, unexpected, not cliche.
Huh.
If we make it look like Lucky's not hurt, then Johnson can't make money on this case.
I bet he'll drop it in a heartbeat.
All right, you ready? I reckon.
That's the ladies' tee.
I ain't hitting from the ladies' tee.
It really doesn't matter.
I ain't hitting from the ladies' tee.
All right.
Action.
Cut.
Ow! I know you're in misery, Lucky, but just try to hold it together long enough for Johnson to see the tape.
Well, this is an unexpected visit.
But they cost the same as any other $400 an hour.
Well, this won't take long.
I caught this joker red-handed.
He's faking his injuries.
I give you exhibit A.
Ain't this a curve ball.
This tape is shown in court, Mr.
Hill and Strickland Propane are off the hook.
Well, if Strickland Propane's deep pockets are closed, then Lucky's gonna have some sizeable legal fees to settle himself.
I reckon that's fair.
As soon as I get a job, I'll put in for overtime.
Thanks.
Well, I'm not your got-dang maid.
Allow me! I'll get it.
Let the man with the perfectly healthy back pick it up.
Dale? You look like a bug.
What? I said you look like a bug.
And I know what to do with bugs.
Remember? Uh I believe I do.
En garde! Oh, my God! My back! I can't move! What the heck is wrong with you?! Oh, uh, these two are always horsing around with each other, whether it's on the stairs of Dale's house or inside your office.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on here.
You can't blame this on me.
Well, sure we can.
According to this tape, Lucky was healthy until he got to your office.
I'm sure there's plenty of lawyers who would like to help us make that case.
Okay, okay, I hear you.
I'll pay your usual settlement quote, but not a penny more.
$53,000! We could pay LeAnn Rimes to sing "Here Comes the Bride!" Yeah, I suppose we could do that.
Or we could use the money for something more responsible.
How does that sound? Sounds like you've been talking to Uncle Hank.
Hear me out, baby girl.
We could have a small wedding here, and use this money to put a down payment on that house across the way, cover expenses while I find a job, and buy more of these.
Our baby has a wardrobe to wear, in our new house?! I love you, Luanne.
I love you, too, Lucky.
Eh! I have been told not to let anyone see the bride.
Just let me in the door, son.
My dad's here to see you.
Let him in.
Uncle Hank, I'm glad you gave Lucky and me a simple, plain wedding that doesn't really stand out, that could be anyone's, really.
The folding chairs are very nice.
Look, Luanne, I know I didn't give you the wedding cake made of gold or the Jaguar ad of your dreams, but I wanted you to have this as a wedding present.
Is it a bill? It's a Fun Fare to anywhere you and Lucky want to go for your honeymoon in the continental United States.
Some restrictions do apply.
We could go to Dollywood! Or the real Mystic Pizza! Oh Oh, thank you! I'm sorry to interrupt, but Reverend Stroop is here.
Yuh-huh.
I'll take it that by "yuh-huh," Luanne is saying "I do.
" Yuh-huh! Then I pronounce Elroy Kleinschmidt and Luanne Platter man and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
Let's celebrate! Mr.
Kahn, I'll have a mai tai! This isn't rice.
It's bird seed, dude.
Bye! Okay, I'm gonna throw it now.
I got it! Connie, you drop that right now! And wash your hands! This is a blessed day.
Now, who wants to rock?! Hey, Minh, it's our song! Hold on, baby doll.
Come on, Bobby, let's help them out.
Wow, man, tell you what, man, like the dang ol' enormity of it all, man.
Well, you just gave away a bride, Hank.
I know.
I've got, uh, well, I'd guess you'd call it Me, too.
I'm a sucker for weddings! All the flowers and the loving vows and the ring pillow and I'm sorry.
Yep.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
Yep.
With liberty and justice for all.