Married with Children s11e12 Episode Script

Okay, Peg.
I tried to use our ATM card.
I stuck it in.
It spit it out.
And it laughed at me.
Sound familiar? How many times have I told you, Al? You got to stick it in the right way.
And, you know, pressing the right buttons wouldn't hurt either.
Peg, you got to stop wasting all our money.
I'm not wasting it.
I'm investing it.
Yes, Peg, and nothing appreciates faster than these Little Rascals Last Supper commemorative plates.
Doesn't Alfalfa make a haunting Judas? You know, these aren't available in any store.
Whereas food, which often appears on the plate, is.
Forgive him, Buckwheat, he knows not what he does.
Peg, this home shopping has got to stop.
Okay, Al.
Where are you going? I am going to Shopaholics Anonymous.
- Good.
- But first I need a new dress.
Hey.
Daddy, I need 100 bucks for something really, really, really important.
Pumpkin, you're not going to buy another bridge, are you? What would I do with six bridges? No, it's for my acting career.
I'm taking an improve class.
You know, improvisation where you make things up.
Why don't you make up 100 bucks? Okay.
Thanks.
Wait a minute.
How am I supposed to make up money I don't have? Ask your mother.
Great news, everybody.
It's official.
Oh, Illinois finally recognized the sacred bond between you and your hand.
Just like the sacred bond between you and anyone with a shiny new penny.
Dad, I just got a big infomercial for one of my new clients.
Hey, hey, hey, now, does that mean that you're making money? Well, not like you tried to do at Kinko's but That would have worked if I'd sprung for the colour copies.
Anyway, I'm earning my money.
Well, son, if you're earning money, that means you can pay some rent.
Rent? Now, son, it was one thing when were you in school which, by the way, I never approved of.
Why me? Why don't you charge Kelly rent? Or Mom? Well, son, Kelly hasn't slept here in years.
If I try to charge your mother rent, she might expect things.
No way am I paying rent for that dump.
Well, then you know the drill, Bud.
The best shopping carts are at Foodtown.
Hey, Daddy? I need to do some homework for my improve class so give me a situation.
Daddy's watching the baseball game.
Got it.
Now daddy's mowing the lawn.
Damn lawn.
Damn kid.
Damn wife.
Forget it, Peg, no sex tonight.
Okay, honey.
Just as well.
Improv class? Yes, best money I ever spent, with all due respect to the My Three Sons Holy Trinity serving tray.
Damn thing.
Well, where have you been? I slept in Lucky's doghouse.
You have any idea what it's like sleeping with somebody who's constantly panting and licking you and wagging their tail all in your face? Welcome to my world, son.
This isn't fair, Dad.
You didn't charge me when I lived upstairs.
Well, that's because that was a less desirable location.
That was near your mother.
All right, fine.
How much rent do you think would be fair? Son, I got that all figured out.
It's based on a very complicated formula that I've been working on since day that you were born.
Oh, look, it's Bud's baby book.
Hey, I didn't know you kept one of those for me.
Why, sure.
Oh, now look at this: Baby's first expense.
Yeah, one broken condom.
Oh, and look, Bud, your first pacifier.
A sock? If we gave him a little more rubber when he was teething he wouldn't be dating it now.
Oh, look, Bud, your first words.
"Bud need food.
" "Bud want food.
" "Ouch"? Nobody likes a whiny baby, Bud.
- Why aren't there any pictures of me? - Frankly, son, you were one ugly baby.
I thought you were beautiful.
Oh, come on, Peg, you used to diaper his face.
That's because he was colicky.
Oh, now, son, it's all here.
Every fond moment and every cent that you cost me from the time you were born.
One soda.
That's 65 cents.
You're still writing it all down? Oh, no.
We're way beyond that.
This is insane.
Okay.
Okay.
Fine.
I'll pay you 200 a month but I want to make it legal.
Here's a check and here's a lease.
That's a deal.
Great.
Now that I am paying you, you can make the repairs.
What repairs? Look, I know my rights.
As your legal tenant, I can report you to the Housing Authority.
And as your legal father, I can give you five across the eyes.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with that basement.
This basement is condemned.
On what possible basis? For one thing, I'm standing in raw sewage.
Ma'am, your control problems are not my concern.
What about these rats? Well, how did they get in here? They're trying to get out.
This wiring is clearly substandard.
Well, now that's impossible.
I did the work myself.
Mr.
Bundy, you've had a month to get this place in shape.
You had your whole life to get in shape.
You don't see me condemning you.
That's it.
Mr.
Bundy, you are a slumlord and by the power vested in me by the Department of Housing, you're confined to this basement until you agree to make repairs.
- What? What if there's a fire? Those wires are clearly substandard.
What the What the hell are you doing? This is an electronic mobility limitation device.
It'll prevent you from leaving the premises.
Much like your hips in a turnstile.
If you come within two feet of this device or 10 feet from it you will be shocked.
Yeah, right.
Like that scares me.
Like this collar is going to keep me in this hellhole.
Come get me.
Come on.
Come on.
It's fascinating.
Despite three hours of negative conditioning the subject continues to go for the food.
Son of a bitch.
What an idiot.
You know, I think Daddy needs some exercise.
No.
We are not letting him out.
Oh, no.
I was thinking about getting him one of those you know, those giant hamster wheels.
Just to keep him running.
Where do you think you're going to get one of those? Duh? At the giant hamster store.
"Note to journal regarding long-term subject: IQ still plummeting.
No sign of bottom.
" Dad, are you gonna make the repairs? No, you degenerate little ingrate.
Hey, now.
That language might have been okay when I was a child but now that I'm paying rent, I expect to be treated like an adult.
An adult? You still live at home.
You still work at the mall.
Yeah, well, listen.
Pay up because I'm up for assistant manager.
If I can ever get out of here.
You can get out when you make the repairs.
No way.
It's a matter of principle.
Maybe I can bribe my wait out.
How about a hundred bucks? That's Kinko's money.
Forget it.
Okay, 200.
- Three hundred.
- No way.
What do you think, this stuff is free? Every hundred dollar bill costs 8 cents.
- Where's the original? - I left the original in the copy machine.
"Idiocy, obviously hereditary.
In females.
" Oh, Al, you promised to take out the garbage.
Gee, I'm sorry, Peg, I'd love to.
But one more shock and my liver will be medium well.
But then who's going to rub my bottom? Peg, I'm sorry, but the law is the law.
I did the crime, so I should do the time.
Al.
Hey.
Jefferson.
I'm stuck.
Well, divorce her.
Just leave me out of it.
I came here to rescue you but there's a really big spider coming right towards me.
- Hey, getting stuck down here is the best thing that ever happened to me.
What are you talking about, Al? This is a prison.
This isn't prison.
Upstairs is a prison.
That's hard time.
Warden Red is always threatening to stick me in the hotbox.
Okay.
Let me get this straight.
Al is stuck here.
And I get to torture him.
Here's another hundred.
Now, you enjoy yourself.
Remember, you gotta be out by 2.
You'd be surprised at how many people want to torture Dad.
No, I wouldn't.
So, Dad.
Are you sure you're having fun? Yup.
Well, in that case, let's play Wheel of Torture.
Our first contestant hails from next door.
She's a banker, an avid golfer and quite a screamer in bed.
You live next door, you hear things.
Well, what's she going to do, Bud, pick my eyes out? Sit on me till I crack? Al did I ever tell you about how I became a feminist? It all started when I read The Feminine Mystique and I threw away my Lady Schick.
Well, that's two mistakes.
Did you ever notice how the nipples in that poster seem to follow you around the room? That is so degrading to women.
Anyway My true awakening occurred when I decided to take charge of my own orgasms.
You know, Al, how my womanhood blossomed.
Oh, God, how my stomach is churning.
You know, I couldn't have done it without the support of my women's group.
One day, we all sat in a circle naked, but non-judgemental and then all six of us pulled out our hand mirrors and guess what happened? Forty-two years of bad luck? That day inspired an epic poem.
I think that I shall never see My G-spot smiling back at my me I got to give you credit, big guy I can't believe that didn't break you.
You forget who I'm married to.
Torture is my middle name.
Well, then, let's meet guest number two.
She's an aspiring actress, an annoying sister and she's just mastered the alphabet.
Kelly Bundy, come on down.
How, Daddy.
Kelly will now improv the history of the United States.
Enjoy.
Is that your real name, John Smith? Me thinkum this one big kiss-off.
Sorry, Chief Thunder Pants.
What a glorious day for our new country.
We defeated the British and I have a new baby boy.
I'm going to name him Bob Dole.
General Sherman you have lit more than Atlanta on fire.
As God is my witness, I will never be horny again.
Houston, we have a problem.
We can see Uranus.
We seem to have an asteroidal flap.
Hey, is this thing on? He still won't make the repairs.
He is so stubborn.
You should see him on bath night.
Well, I did my best with the Chinese daughter torture.
All right.
Somehow we gotta come up with the perfect torture for Daddy.
Now, what does he find really repulsive and unbearable? Why are you looking at me? Boy, in a couple of years, this stuff really builds up.
You know, it's not half bad down here.
A couple of repairs, a fellow could live down here.
Who's there? Oh, Al it's time for your conjugal visit.
Okay.
Bud, help me.
Shut up, Al.
You're my bitch now.
Oh, the horror.
The horror.
No, no, Peg.
No, I can't.
My knees are all skinned.
I'm bruised.
I got a press-on nail stuck in my butt.
Relax, Dad.
Oh, son, thank God.
Son, get me out of this thing before that thing comes back.
You promise to make the repairs? Okay, son, you win.
You win.
Gee, Dad.
Mom left teeth marks all over your neck.
No, son.
That was me.
I tried to sever my own jugular.
Damn clotting.
Okay.
I'll let you go, but you got to promise to give me a head start? - Why, sure, son.
What do you think? I'm going to track you like a dog and kill you? Sure, a normal father would do that, but we're Bundys.
Oh, God, what does that mean? You're going to eat me? No, Bud.
I want to give you a pat on the back.
See, son, l I never thought you took much after me.
I always thought you were more of a Wanker than a Bundy.
Why? Well, you know, your laziness, your sloping forehead your ability to catch flies with your tongue.
- This what you call a pat on the back? - No, son.
Now you got mad like anybody would, but you got mad and even.
See? That makes you a part of the grand Bundy tradition.
You know, I'll never forget my old man.
Sweet guy.
Sold my Schwinn for the price of a drink.
I was so mad at him, before he knew it, I enlisted him into the army.
When he came back from Korea, he was so ticked off it's a good thing he was in a wheelchair.
Beautiful story, Dad.
The point is, I think that deep down my dad was proud of me.
Why, he said that? Not in so many words, but he blinked twice for "Yes.
" So you're saying you were proud of me for the way I tortured you? That I am, Bud.
Guess I learned from the best.
Son.
Dad.
Hey, pal what do you say we fix this place up together? - All right.
Let's go get a burger first.
- Fine.
- On me.
- All right.