Bob's Burgers s11e13 Episode Script

1 Oh, I love the flea market.
- You never know what you're gonna find.
- Hopefully not fleas.
You kids looking for anything in particular? - Knives.
- A really loud musical instrument would be nice.
- Hatchet.
- Maybe something of - the plastic horse variety.
- Nunchucks.
And what about you, Bob? Well, I'll be looking for old cast iron pans.
- To use as a weapon? - For cooking.
But as a weapon, I guess, if it came to it.
Like if you had to fend off a Hamburglar? - Maybe.
- Just be careful, Dad.
Thank you, Tina.
Okay, kids, here's a couple of bucks each.
Go nuts.
Or buy some nuts.
Other people's used nuts.
- Hey, Gayle.
- Linda, is it dangerous to eat a tangerine with a carrot? They're both orange.
- It's fine.
I've done it many a time.
- Okay, bye.
- That was Gayle.
- Did she want to know if it was okay to combine something with something else? Yeah.
Orange foods.
It's okay, right? What are all these small pictures of baseball players? They don't look that athletic, but they are holding bats.
- Is this guy smoking? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, look at that sweater.
Ooh, look at that rug.
Ooh, look at the painting.
Sunset.
Is it a good painting, Bob? I can't tell.
Me neither.
H-How do you tell if a painting is good? I don't know.
Shapes? Lin, I just don't know if we need a steamer trunk full of old TV Guides.
Oh, my God! The Wheelie frickin' Mammoth! Bob, it's the Wheelie frickin' Mammoth! - I know.
- It found us! How did it find us? Why did it find us? We got rid of it.
Are we cursed? It's not our fault.
The kids completely stopped playing with it.
And it was way too big for our apartment.
Way too big.
Wooly mammoth Aah! And it's not like we planned on getting rid of our kids' huge toy.
- It just happened.
- Yeah.
The truck was just it was there.
And the kids were at school.
They didn't play with it anymore.
And we thought they would just kind of forget about it.
- We were sure they'd forget.
- But then they didn't.
Oh, hey, Mom, Dad, have you guys seen the Wheelie Mammoth anywhere? We want to jump off the fire escape and land on him.
Um, first of all, don't jump off the fire escape.
Isn't that what fire escapes are for? That's what fire escapes are for, Dad.
Yeah, it's safe.
Uh, no.
Secondly, uh, we thought you guys didn't really play with Wheelie Mammoth anymore, so, um, we donated it.
You what?! You got rid of the sixth Belcher?! - Uh, yeah.
- Months ago.
And, uh, you're only noticing now, I might add.
How could you? Is your heart made of stone? Well, we donated it to a-a special place that'll make you guys not mad at us.
Um, somewhere Wheelie could live a better life.
- To a roller rink.
- Uh, yeah.
'Cause it's got wheels.
The roller rink in town? Uh, no, no.
- A different town.
- Still kind of mad here, people.
Trying not to lose my cool.
Why would you do that?! Uh, 'cause these aren't just, uh, regular kids.
They're, um - Orphans! - Yup.
They're orphans.
Yup.
Sad little orphans, with soot-covered faces, and the only joy in their lives is getting out on the - rink with that mammoth.
- Hmm.
Yeah, and we've been wanting to tell you guys, but we were waiting for A-A signed thank-you card from all the orphans.
I don't know what's taking them so long.
Uh, maybe they're busy with orphan stuff.
Scrubbing floors and stairs Hiding in laundry baskets, singing about tomorrow.
Huh.
And you guys are for real right now? - Promise.
- Absolutely.
Well, I guess Wheelie is probably having a better life at that rink than it was here.
And doing more good.
It tripped me a lot.
Like, a lot.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to my room to write a tribute song about Wheelie.
I'm thinking of calling it "Rollin' Down the River," if that's not taken.
Or "Dream On," if it is.
And now the bastard's here.
I'm freaking out.
What do we do? Do we-do we tell the kids the truth about how we didn't tell them the truth before? Are you nuts? They'd never look at us the same way again.
It'll be all right My parents lied to me and Gayle - all the time.
- Uh-huh.
But Gayle turned out to be Gayle.
We cannot let the kids see this.
Okay, let's think.
Wh-What are out options? - Besides telling the truth? - Oh, yeah, besides that.
This palomino is now a pal-o'-mine-o.
Hey, guys, I'm gonna go show Mom and Dad my new horse and probably say that palomino/ pal-o'-mine-o thing again - to them again.
- Yeah, you definitely should.
You're gonna love my room.
It smells pretty okay most of the time.
You're used to a barn, so you should be fine with it.
Okay, the kids haven't seen it, so we're fine.
We just need to gather them up, go home before they Oh, my God, there's Tina! Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap! You are my mane man.
Heh.
There's more where that came from.
No, no, no.
She's gonna see the Wheelie Mammoth.
Oh, my baby! Look how big you're getting.
But Mama can still carry you.
Look at me go.
Look at me stand.
Very impressive, Mom, but can you put me down? Wasn't that fun? Uh, yup.
Hey, did I hear you and Dad scream a second ago? Oh, hey, I-I just came over here to - to see you.
- Oh, maybe you heard us, um, yell, because we were shocked at the price of an old CD.
Three dollars? For music? "No, thank you, Dave Matthews," is what we said, loudly.
Oh, hey, do you like this horse I got? This palomino is now a pal-o'-mine-o.
Great, great, great.
Uh, hey, let's find - your brother and sister.
- Yeah, let's go this way.
Come on, Tina.
Hey, kids, I know we haven't been here long, but, uh, what do you say we get on home, huh? - Are you serious? - Yeah.
Did you know all this stuff is used? It's gross.
We should leave.
Now.
Out that far exit.
Is that even where we came in? Let's say it is.
But I've spent neither of my two dollars.
And I've only spent $1.
50.
And got the greatest thing in the world, 'cause this palomino is Uh, let's go talk about it in the car, right? - Come on, let's go, let's go.
- Mom, what's going on? You guys are acting weirder than usual.
We came all this way for dumb stuff, and we've barely looked at anything dumb.
Yeah, I got my eyes on a rusty screwdriver and some of those baseball guys, but I don't know - what else is out there.
- I've still got 50 cents.
And 50 cents at the flea market is like a thousand dollars - at an inside store.
- Uh Ooh, Louise, switchblades! Look! Stabby stabby.
Yes, please.
Yeah, go play with the knives, kids.
Okay, they're not going along with the leaving plan, so we got to sneak over and buy the Wheelie Mammoth, ditch it here someplace where the kids can't see it, - and then we're in the clear.
- Seriously? - You got a better idea? - No.
So I'll keep the kids busy.
You go and take care of the Wheelie Mammoth, capisce? - Got it.
- I need to hear you say "capisce.
" - Why? - Just say it.
- Fine.
Capisce.
- There you go.
Hey, uh, that big, uh, stuffed animal looks sort of interesting, I-I guess.
Um, well, - what are you asking for it? - A hundred.
Hundred dollars? I-I mean, uh, a hundred, huh? Yeah, it's pretty special.
Big, majestic creature wearing those roller skates.
Imagine a time when these things used to roam the land.
Man! I'm hardly interested in it at all.
I'm over here, looking at this, uh, Remains of the Day poster.
I'm-I'm a huge Anthony Hopkins fan.
Or A-Hop, as I call him.
I've been wondering if my room has the right amount of swords in it 'cause right now it's at zero, and I feel like that's low.
Um, maybe we should stay in the pocket knife family.
Does it seem like Mom and Dad are acting weird to you? Ooh, you think someone's gonna propose? - Hello.
- Linda, did you know you could wear a turtleneck as pants? I don't have time for this right now, Gayle.
You just need a safety pin for the middle.
Mom's on the phone, Mom's off the phone, Mom and Dad are whispering to each other, Mom's picking people up and carrying them around.
- Some of us.
- Lucky.
Do you think maybe Mom and Dad came to the flea market to do something weird? - Like this is a cover? - Like spy stuff? - Or drug stuff? - Are they drug spies? Oh, my God, Mom and Dad are drug spies.
- That's hot.
- You think Mom and Dad - Uh-huh.
Okay.
- Are flea market drug spies? - It just makes sense.
- Mom's the brains.
- Right.
- Dad's the body.
No.
It's way too cool for them.
But something is up.
Look at her on that phone all secret-like.
- Oh, Gayle, I got to go.
- No - Bob, talk to me.
- It's so expensive, Lin.
She wants a hundred dollars.
You want me to come over there and negotiate? 'Cause I'm a much better negotiator than you.
That's not true.
We're both bad.
Well, I'm less bad.
Look, I got to go.
Make it happen.
I love you.
I love you, too.
You're worse at negotiating.
Well, that was a normal conversation.
Hi, kids.
So normal of you to say that.
Hi again.
Uh, I'd like to formally offer you, uh, ten dollars in cash for the stuffed animal.
And I'm sorry to say, this offer is time sensitive, because I have to fly to a business meeting.
You're really good at this.
Uh, I guess I could do $90.
Look, I'm not flying to a business meeting.
- You're not? - No, and I don't have a lot of money.
We own a restaurant that not many people eat at.
But I could give you free burgers instead, - if you eat burgers.
- Are they good burgers? I mean, I-I do try really hard.
Tell you what, how about you give me ten bucks now and, uh, 30 free burgers down the road.
Wait.
30 burgers is way more than $90.
Eh, yes and no.
You own a restaurant.
You understand hard costs versus soft costs.
- I don't, actually.
- Fixed costs versus variable costs.
Mm-mm, don't recognize those words.
Trust me, this works for both of us.
Slightly more for me.
But you're getting a great deal.
If you think about it, an accordion is just burping with notes.
Sounds so good, sweetie.
Okay, you keep looking around, in this area, and don't go - to a different area.
- Sure.
- How'd it go? - I got it.
You did? You made the deal? Please tell me you didn't pay a hundred dollars, Bob.
All right, enough of this.
Let's go listen in on that sneaky pants.
Okay, I really don't know how much I paid for it.
There's really no way to know.
But I've got it, and now I've got to get rid of it.
Um, do the kids suspect anything? I think we're good.
As far as they know, that mammoth is still rolling on that rink, - up to his butt in orphans.
- "That mammoth"? Did she just say "that mammoth," - as in Wheelie Mammoth? - I think she did.
So they didn't donate Wheelie to the orphans at the roller rink.
Our parents are lying liars.
How do they sleep at night Lying down? - On their lies? - I knew there was something fishy about that donation stuff.
I just couldn't put my finger on what it was about that orphan roller rink story that didn't add up.
I think Mom and Dad need to be punished.
Within the maximum recommended sentence of the law, - Sword? - Worse.
We mess with them.
Mm? Oh, I'd wear a kimono all the time.
There are pockets in the sleeves.
I can put chicken wings in here, dip in here - Mm-hmm.
Oh, hey, guys.
- There you are.
- You're pretty sweaty.
Oh, yeah.
Someone was, um selling a treadmill.
So, I think I've seen enough dumb stuff.
- Should we get going? - Um, sure.
Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, I could go home now, I suppose.
- Goodbye, kimono.
Wait for me.
Don't sell it to Steven Tyler! Except I actually don't feel like going home just yet.
Do you guys? - Uh-uh.
- No, I don't feel like going home.
Y-You don't? We don't.
I just bought this little guy, and I thought to myself, You know who would appreciate this more than me? - Mm, who? - The orphans at that roller rink where you guys donated the Wheelie Mammoth.
- Uh-huh-huh - Okay So I would like to go there.
And we can also say hi to our old pal, Wheelie.
That is where he is, right? Yeah! Of course that's where he is, silly.
He's so there.
Good! Well, I hope he's not too busy helping orphans learn to skate to say hi.
So shall we go to that roller rink right now? Uh, I don't see why not.
Uh, yeah, we could do that.
Uh-huh.
Yep.
Great, I love going to places where things are.
- It's the best.
- Crap.
- Okay, so not ideal.
- Yeah, Louise clearly knows.
Nah-uh.
She only thinks she knows, because she doesn't know she knows.
Because she doesn't know, you know? Right.
Also, that was a really dumb lie we made up.
Well, it sounded good at the time.
I always wanted to help orphans.
Can't we just tell them the truth? No.
Never.
What we got to do is turn this lie into a truth.
- Then it's not a lie anymore.
- That doesn't sound right.
You drive the kids to that roller rink in Bog Harbor.
You know the one, on route 16.
But drive very slowly.
The Wheelie Mammoth and I get a ride with Gayle.
- Gayle? - Yeah, she's got a car.
She can take a break from eating tangerines and carrots.
We'll beat you guys there, get everything in place, and-and we'll get out.
Okay, where'd you hide the thing? Uh, by a tree over there.
Oh, God, with a note.
Uh, you better hurry.
- Also this is the worst plan.
- Great plan.
So Mom's staying to go to the bathroom at the porta-potty because she likes it? - She loves it.
- And we're not waiting for her? No way.
I mean, this is her special time.
So we'll swing by after we're done at the rink and see if she's finished.
This all makes sense, Dad.
Just a couple more questions about the Oh, my God, I love this song.
I want to sing.
We should all sing.
Let's talk about sex, baby Let's talk about you and me.
Gayle! Over here! Gayle! I came as fast as I could.
I didn't even change Look, turtle pants.
So, Dad, when you donated Wheelie to the roller rink, did they give you a receipt? You know, something for your records? Ah, I'd love to see it sometime.
Or would you rather discuss the orphans? And their therapeutic roller skating? who wants ice cream? - Yay! - Yay! Gayle, you got to step on it.
I'll tell you what, if you get a ticket, I'll pay for it.
You will? That's fun.
I like going fast.
Should I keep my eyes open? Yes, keep your eyes open! I can't believe you let us get a second cone.
The line was so long.
But you just wanted to get right back in there.
And then you wanted to taste every flavor.
And then you counted out your money so carefully.
It's almost like you're not in a hurry to get to the roller rink.
What? Come on.
- Oh, boy.
- What do you mean "oh boy"? Oh, boy Uh, look at those trees off to the right they look just like the trees in that movie.
I mean, I guess.
What movie am I thinking of? You're gonna think of it before I do.
Hi, Bob, it's me, Gayle! But keep looking that way.
Keep looking at the trees and tell me what movie.
- Amadeus? - No, that's not it.
What is it? Oh, God, keep looking.
Go, go, go! Park around back! - Park around back! - Okay, okay.
Manager! Manager! Is there a manager here?! Manager! I'm the manager.
Is everything okay? Ooh.
Who's this big furry fella? Listen, my husband and kids are gonna be here any minute, and I need you to pretend like this huge Wheelie Mammoth has been here for months because we donated it to you.
And it helps orphans learn to skate.
And my husband and I are great parents.
Okay, sure.
No problem.
Really? You'd do that? Yeah, I've been stuck in a lie with my kids before.
I told them if you swallow gum, it stays in your stomach for seven years.
I had to get a radiologist to make a fake X-ray of a kid with a lot of gum in their stomach.
Great, so you get it.
Okay, so can you just kind of put it out there on the rink, and tell these kids they can push it around or something? And if they could shout, "This thing is really teaching me - how to skate," that would be great.
- I don't see why not.
And, uh, maybe rub some soot on the kids' faces? Too far, too far.
Never mind, never mind.
Uh, thank you so much.
Oh, and I wasn't here or her.
It's gonna be hard to forget this.
But you do it.
Well, here we are.
I'm sure we'll see the Wheelie Mammoth any minute now.
I-I'm, uh, sure we-we will.
Huh.
And-and there's Wheelie Mammoth! Ha-ha! I mean, uh, there he is, uh, obviously.
- Would you look at that? - Huh.
Hi, do you need to rent skates? No, uh, no, we, uh, just came to see that woolly mammoth.
Oh, yes! Thank you so much for donating him.
Really? My mom and dad really did donate him here? They sure did.
And are the orphans enjoying him? The orphans just adore him.
Oh, my God.
Wheelie really is teaching kids how to skate.
- Barely.
- I mean, it's not a big deal if you think about it.
Sometimes parents got to tell little fibs to their little kids, 'cause they're too little to hear the truth, you know? Uh-huh.
Do you think my car likes me? It's like Mom and Dad and your immortal goldfish.
Like how they would replace your goldfish every time it died.
- What? - I mean, uh, nothing.
Let's, uh, talk about your car liking you.
I think it does.
My beloved goldfish lived 18 years with me before getting sent to the National Aquarium to be studied and to relax.
Uh, right, yeah.
No, no, I know.
Forget I said anything.
Are you telling me Mom and Dad lied to me?! Are you telling me Goldylicious isn't immortal and doesn't see the birthday cards I send her every year? What? No, no, come on.
I cannot believe this.
Gayle! Gayle, where are you going? I will not let you pull a Goldylicious on your kids.
Gayle, no! Oh, come on! Oh.
Oh, my foot.
Oh, my butt! Ow! Oh You're a hero and you're a family of heroes.
- Keep it up.
- Well, I'll be.
- How about that.
- Dad, I don't know what to say.
We didn't think you and Mom were telling the truth.
Sorry? No, no, no, no, no! No! Hey, Aunt Gayle.
What are you doing here? Linda lied! - To your faces! - Mm-mmm.
- Mm-mmm.
Mm-mmm, mm-mmm - We took the Wheelie Mammoth here today from the flea market.
And I drove over 90 miles per hour with my eyes open.
Ha! I knew it! Well, I take back that sorry.
- Is that true, Dad? - Uh who wants ice cream? - Me! - Gene! I mean, I'm so mad at you right now I could eat ice cream or ribs! It feels weird to say this, but, Aunt Gayle, keep talking.
- Tell us everything.
- Okay, there I was Don't listen to Gayle! She's just pranking you! - It's, it's a fun prank.
- Oh really, Mom? Then why are you here? Are you part of the prank? Yeah! Yeah.
I ran into Gayle at the porta-potty at the flea market and we decided to come here and prank you guys.
Isn't that funny? So your prank is for Aunt Gayle to show up and tell us you lied to us? - Yeah.
- I don't know what to believe.
How dare you.
You're just like Mom and Dad.
You're a liar and you're married and you had kids.
Lin, maybe we just you know? - What? - You know? You mea-you mean keep having fun with this really great prank that's going really well? I am so disappointed in you.
Were those even movie trees, Dad? We will discuss your punishment when we get home.
There will be spanking.
On both cheeks.
You tell 'em, kids! Ugh.
Oh, fine.
I'm sorry.
It all happened so fast over several months.
And several hours today.
- And it was mostly your mom's idea.
- Thanks, Bob.
Seriously though, I am sorry, too.
I was happy to see it go.
But, I guess, as a dad, I should've known it's wrong to steal toys from children.
Most of the time.
It's not stealing if it's at the park and you give it to your cat, right? Oh, we'll go get the mammoth.
And try to all fit in the apartment with it, I guess.
Hi.
Oh, you guys still here? You want to rent skates? Uh, sorry, uh, we just have to get the mammoth and bring it home.
Oh, uh, that's not gonna work for me.
What do you mean? We did the big lie and we made the lie real.
And it's great.
This thing's our mascot now.
I already updated the website.
- You did? - Yeah, check it out.
Oh, it looks good.
Ooh, I like that design.
This is a game changer.
In the rink business, you get a break like this once in a lifetime.
I mean, that thing probably costs a fortune.
Probably.
But, you know, soft cost.
Never mind.
Listen, our kids are really mad at us, and the only way to try and make it right is to take this home.
What about the orphans? They're not orphans.
We made that up.
I bet at least a couple of them are.
This magical guy is staying right here.
Please, sir, um, don't Don't do this.
So much of my life I let slip through my fingers.
Not this time.
We need this mammoth! Linda, keep pulling.
He's got no traction.
He's on wheels.
Orphans, attack! Please, I think you need a day off or something.
Bob, we can take this guy.
We can take him! I'm gonna bite him! Aah! Don't bite me! Hey! We're whipping him around.
Keep whipping, Bob! Keep whipping! Aah! Aah! Hey, hey, hey! Stop! Stop! Look, we've had a little talk.
We want to leave Wheelie here.
- Huh? - You do? We want to make the lie real.
We don't like how it got here, but it seems - like the right home for him.
- He'll be happy here.
Lot of space, good vibes, cool jams.
And he's a sucker for a disco ball.
- I mean, who isn't? - Uh, I'm not.
It's a bunch of broken glass spinning around.
Ugh, terrifying.
It could kill us all.
Kids, that's so nice of you.
So mature.
Yeah, I'm impressed.
You know, we-we thought you wouldn't be able to handle having to give away a huge stuffed animal that didn't fit in any room.
But we should have been honest with you and trusted that you could handle it.
We got more handles than a grocery bag, baby.
So I'm gonna let go of this, and no one's gonna take it? - And no one's gonna bite me? - Aw, yeah.
Sorry I said I was gonna bite you.
I wasn't gonna do that.
I've never bitten anybody.
That's a lie.
We call her piranha mama.
She bit a guy at the grocery store.
W-We're still not allowed to go to that one.
- Well, I'm not, you are.
- Hey, one last skate with Wheelie before we go? I'm not good at this at all! I'm usually so graceful! - I-I think this is how I die.
- I can only go backwards.
Tell me if there's anyone there.
Tell me if there's anyone there! Whoa! I-I don't want Wheelie to remember us this way.
Listen, if you ever want to bust out of here, no questions asked, you call me, okay? And, hey, - keep it wheel.
- Yeah, you just slip them on.
You can pee right through the neck hole.
It's so convenient.
He's a funky beast From another time With moves and grooves That'll blow your mind Wheelie Wheelie Mammoth Wheelie, Wheelie Mammoth, Wheelie Mammoth Wheelie Mammoth, Wheelie, Wheelie Mammoth Watchin' him roll all around the floor It makes you wanna move like you're pre-historic Wheelie Wheelie Mammoth Wheelie, Wheelie Mammoth, Wheelie Mammoth Wheelie Mammoth Wheelie, Wheelie Mammoth.