Frasier s11e13 Episode Script

You know, I heard the most extraordinary thing on the radio today.
I know! Rubinstein's torrid survey of the Chopin mazurkas.
It took all my strength not to turn the car around, drive home and ravish my wife.
That Daphne is one lucky lady.
No, i was referring to the fact that Maris has been released on bail.
Oh, yes.
Of course, she's still under house arrest until her murder trial.
Poor thing, has to wear an electronic tracking device on her ankle.
And she can't keep the press off her back.
They're printing the most vicious stories about her.
i saw one of those.
is it true that she fired one of the gardeners because she found a worm on the front walk? Well, to be fair, Maris has always been frightened and disgusted by them.
it's just a stupid worm.
No, i'm talking about gardener s.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Dad.
Pull up a chair.
Oh, thanks.
Looking sharp.
i don't think i've ever seen this jacket.
That's because i don't wear it too often.
But you know, sometimes when i do, i find all kinds of junk in the pockets.
it's like i'm putting on a time capsule or something.
Here.
.
.
here's something from the worl of yesterday.
Dear God, Dad.
That's my home insurance payment.
i asked you to mail this three months ago.
Oh, geez, i'm sorry, Fras.
But you see what i mean about the jacket? i can still see him giving me that envelope.
No wonder my agent's been calling me.
My policy's probably been canceled.
Yes, Jim Sundquist, please.
Yeah, Jim, it's Frasier Crane.
Yes, i know.
i just discovered that myself.
Listen, how much to renew? What? Well, i'm going to have to think that over.
All right.
i'll call you.
Thanks, Jim.
Scandinavian shyster! Cold-hearted, glad-handed highway robber.
Phony big-toothed smiling son-of-a-bitch insurance man.
(faint yelling from phone) Not you, Jim.
Love to Marie.
Damn, i'm going to have to pay twice as much.
Why don't you just find another insurer? Oh, you know who you should talk to Ann Hodges.
Oh, Roz, have you lost your mind? i never want to see that woman again.
Who is she? Oh, it's a friend of Roz's.
We had a stunningly bad date during which my behavior was Iess than chivalrous.
You ate her ravioli.
then hit on another woman in the same restaurant Which i concede was less than chivalrous.
Well, the leas t you could do is throw her some business.
She just did mine.
She did a great job.
And she can rush t his through for you.
Here you go.
Here's her card.
NiLES: You should be covered, Frasier.
- God forbid something happens- a pipe bursts or Dad screws up again?8? Remember the great bacon fire of '? i suppose spending ten minutes with the woman won't kill me Oh, for God's sake, Jim, hang up already.
Well, this is me.
Thanks again for holding the elevator, Caroline.
Well, you did throw your briefcase into it.
Yes, yes, well You'd be surprised how man y people just kick it back out and then push the "close" button.
You know, maybe i could repay you by taking you to dinner some evening.
Yeah, i'd like that.
How about next Monday? Perfect.
Why not stop by my place first for a drink? Uh, around 6:00? Sounds good.
Great.
Thanks again.
And sorry about the briefcase.
.
You might want to put some ice on that ankle Hi, Fras.
Hi, Dad.
What have you got there? Oh, i made a sandwich from some of your cold chicken in there.
Also known as quail.
Get a plate before you start dripping mayonnaise all over.
Oh, relax.
i'm almost done.
Oh, and by the way, until this home is insured once again, there will be no more barbecuing or deep-frying.
Does that include the hot plate in my bedroom? Since when do you have a hot plate? (doorbell ringing) Since i finally figured out how to plug it in.
, in just one outlet i have my TV, aquarium, clock radio, and t hat old space heater.
.
Yes, well, unplug everything Hello, Frasier.
Hello, Ann.
Uh, please , won't you come in.
This is my father, Martin Crane.
Oh, i've heard all about you.
.
Frasier and i used to go out Oh.
i'll be in my room.
So, this is kind of weird, huh? Yes.
i hope that your being here means that you've forgiven me? Well, i was pretty steamed after that date, but my shrink helped me work through the rage.
Good thing you didn't walk i n front of my car on the street.
For the first few weeks there, i would have just gotten out and given you a good kick.
Well and i would have deserved one, too.
Here, let me take your coat.
You're going to want to take a look around the place before you write up the policy.
Oh, very nice! Thank you thank you very much.
Hey, this guy looks like my ex.
i'm just kidding.
He wasn't black.
Can i get you something to drink? Just water, but i'll get it.
i want to see your kitchen.
Wow, schmancy.
And so clean.
You know, there's a homosexual couple that livesin my building and their kitctyhen is like a pigs compared to yours.
.
Whoops, spoke too soon .
Somebody dripped a little bit of mayon ) (screaming (loud crash) Ann? Boy, who'd have thunk a little mayo on the floor could end up breaking your leg? So, how's that cast feeling? Okay.
i'm worried about my apartment, though.
it's a fourth-floor walk-up.
Oh, dear well, is there a friend or a family member we could call to come and get you? No.
Just my mom and she lives in Portland.
Uh-oh.
"Uh-oh"? What's that supposed to mean? if you screwed anything up, i will sue you blue, buddy boy.
DOCTOR: No, no, it's nothing.
The bulb burned out.
Oh.
.
Let's find you a pair of crutches Watch it on the turns there, Doc.
Precious cargo.
i hope you enjoyed your sandwich.
it may end up costing me my apartment.
you? You think she'll sue Dad, she's as insurance woman! if anybody knows anything about milking money out of an injury, it's her.
Won't your insurance cover it? i have no insurance! All right.
But you know what? Why don't you just try to get on her good side.
Pay all her expenses, maybe throw in a private nurse for a few days That's good.
But she's too dangerous to be left to her own thoughts right now.
We've got to try the personal approach.
i'll tell you what-- Why don't we invite her to spend a few days recuperating in our apartment? ! .
.
Oh.
.
.
Friends do not sue friends Ooh, my pits are barking already.
Ann, listen, Dad and i were just talking.
We thought maybe you should just stay at our place until you get used to your crutches.
Really? Sure.
That's what friends do.
Thanks.
Well, i'll call my super and have him send over some clothes and my trumpet, and we're good to go.
You play the trumpet? Oh, i just started.
it's really hard.
ANN: Hey! MARTiN: Oh, sorry! Damn it, Frasier, i just walked in on your insurance lady taking a sponge bath.
Dear God, which sponge A small one.
This has been the longest two days of my life.
Well, what do you think, it's been a vacation for me? i have cooked her meals, i have massaged her feet.
i've also applauded wildIy to her trumpet rendition of "Froggy Went A-Courtin'.
" (doorbell ringing) But i have won her over.
There will be no discussion of a lawsuit tomorrow .
when i send her a-packin'? Oh, Niles.
Hey, Frasier.
Hey, Dad.
Brace yourself: i finally got around to returning your escargot clamps.
.
Oh oh, thank you, Niles Oh, that's what those are.
i've been using them to pull ticks out of Eddie's coat.
Sherry? Oh, please.
Yes, thank you.
i have Maris news.
She's auctioning off some of her things to help pay for her defense.
She's letting me come by firstto claim anything i want.
Well, this is my chance to seize and destroy my boudoir painting.
What's that? Oh, well, years ago, Maris and i got the idea in our heads to commission portraits of a well, a quasi-erotic nature.
Dear God.
Continue.
Well, Maris is depicted as a doe-eyed wood nymph, while in my painting, i am the satyr, Pan a louche, sybaritic goat-man with a depraved appetite for all things sensual.
.
Oh, i forgot to lock that door Your dad surI.
got an eyefue Yes, uh, bumbling old man.
i'm terribly sorry.
Well, no birthday gift for him this year-- he's had it.
Hi, Niles.
Hello, Ann.
it's so nice to see you.
i'm sorry i can't stay.
You're leaving? You're always leaving.
NiLES: Oh, just lately.
Bye.
FRASiER:Bye-bye, Niles.
Uh, well, wait till you see what i've made you for dinner this evening.
Your favorite-- mac and cheese with sliced hot dogs.
Oh , You keep pampering me this way it'll be hard to go home next month.
Next month? Well, let's cross our fingers.
.
My bones tend to knit slowly Uh, aren't you afraid to leave your apartment untended for a whole month? Not a problem.
i just sublet it this morning to a girl from work.
if she chips so much as one of my porcelain piggies, i'll sue her six ways to Sunday.
if you want to beat her to death with one of her crutches, i can show you how to make it look like an accident.
Here is everything.
i tell Missy Crane you are here.
Thank you, Marta.
Wow.
Maybe i can find .
.
something nice for Ronee here.
has This whole Ann thing got me practically living over there.
Look at this fancy back-scratcher.
That's not exactly what it is.
Every winter, Maris would fly down to the private isl and her family owns in the South Pacific.
On Christmas, she'd let the native children come by and fish coins from her fountain.
Oh.
Some kind of coin-scooper, huh? No.
it's a stick with a claw on the end of it in case any of the children got too close to her.
.
Ah! i found me Daphne, avert your eyes.
Let's just get t his thing wrapped up and into my trunk.
Oh, geez! How could you stand to look at yourself like that? .
i never had to it was in Maris's bedroom.
Uh Marta? Tell Maris we'll be back to say good-bye.
Yes, Dr.
Crane.
Thank you.
You were right, Missy Crane.
They take the painting right away.
.
Now drink your protein shake You have a long trip ahead of you.
.
Oh! Very good, Missy Crane You drink a lot.
What? Too much? Okay.
Oh, here they come.
i can't tell you w? Can we leave no This place gives me the chills.
it was designed to.
.
Just let me say good-bye to Maris, and we'll be out.
.
Doctor! Doctor! What is it, Marta? i no find Missy Crane.
i go up to her room, and all there is is this note.
Dear God.
She says she doesn't believe she can get a fair trial, and she can't face life in prison, so she's going to hurl herseIf off the State Senator Harry R.
Burton Bridge.
Marta, when was the last time you saw Maris? Just before you come.
Maybe we can still catch her.
Well, don't panic.
She still has that tracking device.
The cops will stop her.
, Yes, but if we can catch her maybe i can talk her down! Perfect, Missy Crane.
i put the tracking bracelet behind the painting, just like you say.
The workmen will take you in a minute.
What? Okay.
Hey, Frasier, i'm glad i caught you.
Did you just get home? No.
i've been here awhile.
i can't bring myself to go in.
Not with her in there.
(trumpet plays off-key) She's getting better.
Look, i did you a favor.
My lawyer drew up this document.
it releases you from all liability if you can just get Ann to sign it.
way Oh, Roz, there's no i'm going to get her to sign this.
i've just booked passage for her and her mother on a two-week cruise to Alaska.
That way, i'll get her out of my home, but she'll still feel like we're friends.
Hmm.
Not a bad idea.
Good luck with that.
Thank you.
Roz, i've been meaning to ask you How did you ever becomefriends with Ann? She's not really your type, is she? Oh, we're not really friends.
I rear-ended her in 1989.
Well, i say divorce him and take him to the cleaners.
When you play with someone's heart, you deserve to pay big-time.
My ex sure did.
Yes! He's still living in his van, and he's lucky i let him keep that.
Listen, i got to go.
.
My Bunny's home, and he's looking so handsome Okay.
i'll call you later.
You! Alaska? Oh, the tickets arrived.
You bet they did.
i just called my mother, and she's thrilled.
.
Well, i hoped she would be ! .
She can't believe that you're taking me to Alaska You you told her i was taking you? Don't worry.
i told her your intentions were honorable (whispering): but they better not be.
Ann You know, i've been wondering all week "Why is Frasier keeping me here? He could have just sent me home with a nurse.
" But then i got these, and i figured it out.
You've got a thing for me.
Well, i've got news for you, Romeo.
Hold that thought while Bunny goes and pours himself a big ol' glass of wine.
(doorbell rings) Caroline.
Hi, Frasier.
Am i early? Uh Who are you? Just a neighbor.
?! .
.
is our date still on? Date No! Since we made our plans, Caroline, i've met someone else.
.
Me! So beat it Frasier? Just go! Well someone's quite the tomcat.
i don't know what i'm going to do with you.
i don't know what i'm going to do with you either.
Hey! Hey, Bunny, what's this? Oh, it's it's nothing .
Just just work stuff.
it's got my name on it.
it's a liability release.
Oh, my gosh.
.
You think i'm going to sue you ?No So that's why you've been so nice to me.
Because you're afraid of a lawsuit.
So this whole romance was just a fake! No.
Never.
Well, i've got news for you.
Nobody plays with my heart! ishouldsue you! i realize that you're angry now, Bunny You'reBunny! i'm calling a lawyer! All right, fine! Go ahead and sue! i am fed up with this charade.
This was an accident.
i have cared for you, i have waited on you, i have pumiced your heels and set your hair! .
Well.
.
if that's not enough for you, so be it! i don't care anymore! i will not beg! You can take me to the cleaners, but you cannot take my dignity! Okay.
See you in court.
! .
Dear God, please, no ! .
Please! No ! .
No! Please Please! Please don't sue me! My things.
.
My beautiful, beautiful things i i love them so! Are you crying? No.
Gross! Frasier, pull yourself together.
i'll sign your stupid paper.
You will? God! To think i had a thing for you.
Can i pick 'em, or what? .
Thank you, Ann i'm sorry it had to come down .
to all this legal business if it were up to me, i would tear up this piece of pape r and forget everything that's happened here.
And, uh here.
And here.
Yes, Officer.
We're headed east on Highway Do you have a read on her tracking bracelet yet? They say she just passed exit 29.
Wejust passed exit 29.
i don't see anyone ahead of us.
You suppose we passed her? There is a car behind us.
(siren blaring) OFFiCER: Pull over immediately.
Dad, you were a cop.
What do we do? Pull over immediately.
We don't have time for this! We need to get to the bridge! According to our tracking device, your wife's in this vehicle.
But that's absurd! ife.
And she's his ex-w Oh, no.
The press is here.
Open the trunk, sir.
(stammering): There's an item of a very personal nature in there.
if you could just keep the media away? Now! See? See? No Maris.
Oh! Uh Be careful with that.
That that's what i didn't want you to Oh, geez.
What the hell is that? it's Pan the satyr, a minor god of mischief, debauchery and fornication.
That's what our son would look like if i were a goat.
.
There's your tracking device right there She conned us! Well, you have your bracelet.
i guess i'll just take my painting.
Sorry, sir.
This is evidence.
No! "so i shipped myself to our private island, "where, like dear Uncle Julius, "i will be immune from extradition.
"Thank you all, and forgive me.
"Best regards, Maris.
"P.
S.
Big ups to all my homies in lockdown.
Stay black.
Cell block D.
" .
So you were the decoys it's ingenious.
How did she get the tracking bracelet off? Mmm.
Apparently, she swallowed a salt tablet to make her ankles swell right before they fitted her.
And then, when the swelling went down, the bracelet just slipped right off.
So that's it.
No more Maris.
Strange to think i'll never see her again , She was a pain but she was a character.
Well, then, let's drink a toast to her.
Well, there's just a a drop left.
Perfect.
i can't think of a more fitting toast.
Yeah.
There we go.
To Maris.