Married with Children s11e13 Episode Script

You know, something really stinks in here.
We are watching Fox.
Al, did you take out the trash? I'll take it out when there's enough for a whole load.
Okay.
I know you people are used to living in a cesspool.
So you're probably not even bothered by this garbage strike.
Wait a minute.
How can trash go on strike? Hang up your fishnets and stay in all night.
But on behalf of the entire neighbourhood I demand that you do something to improve the look of things around here.
Now, I've done my part.
Marcie is absolutely right.
We have to get together to get rid of this garbage.
Now, I'll hand you the bags.
You throw them over in the D'Arcys' yard.
Go, go, go.
Oh, man, these guys don't hustle.
Lazy bums.
Bums is right.
Al, can you hand me that beer? Can't reach.
Atten-hut! As you were.
You are looking at 2nd Lieutenant D'Arcy, National Guard Reserves.
More like Gl-joke.
Hey, this action figure is anatomically correct.
After living with Marcie all these years, I doubt it.
What's the scam? No scam.
I'll just say goodbye to Marcie.
- There's the scam.
- There's the scam.
Hey, it's a great deal.
One weekend out of every month, you get three hots in a cot.
You get to party with a bunch of guys and you get paid.
Sounds like my ex-wife's job.
Uncle Sam will pay me to leave Peg and the kids for the weekend? You have to go through basic training first.
But you don't have to go to your regular job and your boss still has to pay you.
I am suddenly feeling the need to serve my country.
Oh, wait a minute.
Aren't we too old to join the reserve? Well, you're pretty much too old for everything.
But with my connections, I can get you in.
That's the fighting spirit we're looking for.
We'll be the few, the proud We'll be the best that we can be.
No, guys, the National Guard's motto is: "If it happens on a weekend we'll be there.
" I'm open.
I'm open.
Eight touchdowns.
Hey, hey, let's do top bunks versus bottom bunks now.
Al, I think it may be time to hit the hay.
What? Are you old? Yeah.
Me too.
Oh, man, this pillow is lumpy.
At least it doesn't have red hair and begs for sex.
Man, this is the life.
Rise and shine, ladies.
Hope you had a good night sleep because your nightmare begins now.
- Do you hear me? - Sir, yes, sir.
Am I disturbing you, private? Al Bundy.
Al Bundy, sir.
Well, no one's called me sir in a long, long time.
How about moron? They've called you that, haven't they? Sir, yes, sir.
Ladies' shoe salesman.
Well, you're in the reserve now.
- You're not in some candy-ass mall.
- You haven't seen my customers.
Every day it's the battle of the bulge, right, Griff? Who's Griff? Somebody here called Griff? Drop and give me 50, mall scum.
All I got here is this five.
Pushups, you idiot.
And your little buddies here too.
Okay.
Top 10 reasons we're glad your father has gone to boot camp.
Number 10, your father is gone.
Number nine, he took his socks with him.
Number eight, we don't have to hide the food.
Good.
Number seven, the drains flow free.
I think you know why I'm here.
All the flies in the neighbourhood have named you queen? Peggy, this is just some of the garbage your obnoxious children have dumped in my yard.
How dare you accuse my obnoxious children? There's no way that you can prove that that's our garbage.
Colour Me Cheetahs by Clairol.
Go, Dog, Go! I can't believe you threw this out.
I haven't even finished it yet, Bud.
Bunch of dogs, big party, nothing happens, the end.
Sounds like one of your dates.
Okay.
You have two choices.
I can either bury you headfirst in my compost heap or you come with me and pick up every piece of garbage that you have dumped in my yard.
You mean since the garbage strike, or since you've moved in? You're not worthy of the Guard.
We're not worthy of the Guard.
You're out of shape with butts of lard.
We're out of shape with butts of lard.
Oink off, three, four.
- Oink off.
- We're sore.
I swear, you two are slower than snails in molasses.
That's a good one.
Coming from a guy whose girlfriend starred in Babe.
I wish.
Oh, Griff.
I can't take it anymore.
I quit.
Al, you can't quit.
If you quit, you've got to go home.
Hey, wait a minute.
I can't climb this wall.
Sure you can, buddy.
Don't quit.
Let me show you how it's done.
I can't.
It can't be done.
Nobody can possibly use skills like that Running through tyres, waving your arms up in the air? It's like screaming, "Shoot me.
Shoot me.
" Don't tempt me, shoe boy.
Sir, good afternoon, sir.
And may I add your medals are particularly shiny today, sir.
Why are you sucking up to this guy? Oh, I get it.
So, high heel are you going to finish this course or not? Can't, sir.
Tired, sir.
Then let me help you rest.
Well, good news, ladies.
You're getting that well-deserved psychiatric leave, sir? No, I've used them all up.
The news is basic training is cut short.
Thank God.
I'll pack.
I'll warm up the car.
Not so fast, maggots.
This unit's been activated.
We're going on a mission.
Permission to know where, sir.
Denied.
Now go home make love to your widows and report back here at 1600 hours.
Al, I'm scared.
You're scared? I gotta go home and make love to Peg.
We're in business, Kel.
I got the fan belt off of Mrs.
D'Arcy's Mercedes.
It serves her right for making us take our garbage back.
Okay.
I left the D'Arcys' attic window open.
- Are you sure this thing is aimed right? - Yeah.
Now, I've calculated the exact trajectory taking into account mass, angle, velocity and wind speed.
And, of course, your complete lack of sex appeal.
- What does that have to do to with it? - Well, I had so many variables.
I needed one constant.
It's amazing how you can figure out a difficult mathematical equation but yet you can't find your way out of a frat house.
I can too.
I just yell, "I'm pregnant.
" And the next thing you know, I'm out in the alley.
Okay.
Let's let her rip.
Okay.
And here we go.
Pull.
Yeah.
What are you kids up to? Recycling.
Well, family, I'm off to fight the forces of evil.
That's nice, dear.
Will someone pay attention here? They're having me go out to fight horrible people, probably the French.
You may never see me again.
Dad, maybe I should join the Army.
I hear women are attracted to men in uniform.
It's not the uniform, son.
It's knowing that he's been trained to obey orders and eat crap.
Oh, no, Daddy is going away again? Now, this time he's joined the Post Office.
Don't worry, pumpkin Daddy is not going to any place as dangerous as that.
Kel, I thought you of all people would recognise a man in a military uniform.
This is what they look like on? Oh, my God.
They're so cute.
Honey, you shouldn't say things like that to Daddy after he's just been trained to use a gun.
Peg.
Don't you want to kiss me goodbye? Tonight, I may be standing in harm's way.
Al, I don't care where you're standing as long as it isn't in front of Ricki Lake.
Bud until I come back, you're going to be the man of the family.
Make me proud, son.
I will, Dad, and don't worry.
I'll keep all your Big 'Uns safe and sound until you get back.
That's not necessary, son.
What the hell do you think I got in this bag? Daddy, be very careful.
Oh, Kel, what are you worried about? The National Guard is nothing but a bunch of Boy Scouts with beer bellies.
You take it all for granted, don't you, you little pinkos? Well, keep this in mind.
The National Guard is the thin green line that separates you from total anarchy.
And I'm damn proud to do anything my country asks of me.
I'm not doing it.
You can't make me pick up garbage.
You do what I tell you to do and any more lip out of you and I'll Tell.
I wouldn't have done this if it wasn't for you guys.
"Join the Reserve.
See the state.
" Excuse me.
Is this mission interfering with your whining? Now, these strikers are angry.
Watch your backs.
Oh, like I'm afraid of them garbage men.
What are they gonna do? Make noise early in the morning? Run away.
Run away.
Told you so.
And hit.
That was a good one, Kel.
You know, I kind of wish Daddy was here to enjoy this.
Oh, I know.
I can't believe he hasn't even written since he left.
Mom, he's only been gone for four hours.
Well, in that case, I guess I better get on with my life.
Maybe you should throw over your father's clothes.
I could really use the closet space.
Look.
I'm gonna have to adjust this tension.
Okay? - Okay.
- Now Whatever you do, don't touch that lever.
What, this one? Cool.
Way to navigate, Jefferson.
I am your commanding officer.
I should be addressed as sir.
But if I called you sir, what would I call your wife? And for your information, we're not lost.
Now, according to this map, we can't be more than a finger away from base.
Which finger? This one? Oh, very nice.
You owe the good people of Waukegan an apology for that little gesture.
Lieutenant D'Arcy, I want to say this in the most respectful way possible.
Get us home or we're gonna frag your ass.
Come in, Ziploc team.
Are you out there? Over.
We read you, over.
Listen up, men.
The Hefty team is taking a big dumpster.
We need backup at 23rd and Addison.
Copy? Roger.
On our way.
Over.
Okay.
Okay.
We have to go through the auto yard.
- Griff, you should go first.
- Good idea.
I don't think so.
Let me rephrase.
I'm ordering you to go first.
Then let me rephrase.
Bite me.
Haven't you ever seen a war movie? The black man always gets it first.
What do you mean? Jim Brown in The Dirty Dozen.
Laurence Fishburne in Apocalypse Now.
Bubba in Forrest Gump.
Any black man in Star Trek.
We go in, test the waters, get killed and you white guys go home to your families.
See, we both lose.
Will you two pipe down.
The strikers will hear us.
Now, come on.
Let's move out.
Come on, Griff.
Look out.
- Man down.
- Cover us.
Cover us.
Gotcha.
Oh, Griff.
Griff, why? Oh, why? Oh, why? That shell was meant for me.
Oh, listen, Al.
- Would you do something for me? - Anything, buddy.
If I don't make it, would you look up my ex-wife and And tell her that you love her? No, tell her that she's a bitch.
You'll be able to tell her that in person, buddy.
Oh, my God, a grenade.
Take cover.
It's an avocado, Jefferson.
Why don't you throw yourself on it and we'll have guacamole.
I can't take the pressure.
I want my Marcie.
Come in.
Anyone.
Help.
I can't help you, Ziploc.
I'm alone.
I'm pinned under a dumpster on the other side of the wall.
What should we do? Pull out.
Save your candy-asses.
You heard him.
Let's go home.
I got some yolk in my ear, but I think I can drive.
I'm going in after them.
Are you crazy? Maybe so.
But I'm going to show that sergeant that High Heel Bundy is no candy-ass.
I'm coming, sarge.
Forget it, High Heel, you'll never make it.
The hell I won't.
- Sorry, sarge.
- You're a fool.
You'll never move this dumpster.
Oh, yeah? You're looking at a man who pried a 500-pound woman from a size six pump.
Well, Private Bundy you followed my orders and saved the sarge.
Nice try, Panty Waist.
If anyone's a hero around here, it's Bundy.
Gee, thanks, sarge.
I don't know but I've been told.
Garbage stinks when it gets old.
Let's go have a beer that's cold.
And leave the Guard Because we're too old.
- Sound off.
- One, two.
- Sound off.
- Three, four.
Bud, it's a good thing that you landed on Mrs.
D'Arcy or you could have really gotten hurt.
I am hurt, Kelly.
Stop whining.
The first time in months you've been on top of a woman and she even screamed.
Damn, I'm good.
You know, Bud, according to this insurance policy if your father comes home looking half as bad as you we'll make a fortune.
The garbage strike is over because Corporal Bundy struck back.
- Oh, Daddy.
- Oh, Al, you're home and all in one piece.
How are my girls? Bud, you bulked up since I've been gone.
I'm in a body cast, Dad.
Well, it looks good on you.
Come on, Bud, I think Mom and Dad would like to be alone.
Okay.
Okay.
But just don't touch my! Don't touch my hand! Oh, Al, I'm so proud of you.
You ended the garbage strike.
And you got a promotion.
Yeah, Peg, I was awarded the Bronze Dumpster.
You know, Al, all wars are followed by a baby boom.
Let's repopulate.
Oh, Peg, I can't.
I was injured in battle.
I'm not the man I was.
Oh, great.
One injury and it's a pre-existing condition.
Incoming!