Frasier s11e14 Episode Script

We still have a few minutes left, and all our lines are open.
Uh shall I attempt another joke? No! No.
All right, then.
Come on, callers, don't be shy .
There's still time to talk with the good doctor.
Five open lines.
Who's this, then, Roz? On line one, uh, whom do we have? I understand we have Susan, who recently moved here from Texas.
(mouthing) Go ahead, Susan.
I'm listening.
(Texas accent): Hi, Dr.
Crane.
I'm new in town, from Texas, and, uh, I just left my husband.
I see.
And why did you do that? Well, uh Oh, I know! He was abusive.
That couldn't have been easy for you.
Well, my girlfriend helped me.
We just got in her convertible and drove through the desert and we stopped at this honky-tonk, I started dancing with this cowboy-- long story short, he roughed me up, my friend killed him-- but then we met the cutest cowboy, but he stole all our money, so we robbed a gas station and blew up a tanker truck Yes, I'm afraid we're out of time.
I will finish with you off the air, Susan.
Meanwhile, this is Dr.
Frasier Crane, saying good day, Seattle, and good mental health.
Well, thank you, Thelma.
Or is it Louise? Don't snap at me because you didn't get any phone calls today.
I told you not to put me on the spot again.
I'm sorry, Roz, but I was desperate.
You know, I really think you were closer with that character yesterday-- the young teen who moved into the town that had banned dancing.
Now that, that had the tang of reality.
That was Footloose, you idiot.
Hey! I thought you were working tonight.
I got the night off and I am kidnapping you for the weekend.
Oh! Where we going? My boss gave me his house in the mountains.
It's very romantic.
And there's this little family of deer that comes right up to the window, so you might want to bring My camera! I will! Well, I was going to say gun, but suit yourself.
Oh, you are going to love it.
There's this amazing view of the lake.
You can see every star in the sky.
Wow! Is there a VCR there? 'Cause I just bought a couple of great old Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire movies.
Why didn't you just rent them? I did.
Last August.
Ah.
Okay, let's get moving.
I don't want to get stuck in traffic.
Sounds good.
I'll pack some food.
That was really nice of your boss to give you the cabin.
What made him do it? I put out.
That's my girl.
I hate people.
What's the matter with you? In a perfect ending to a perfect day, the driver next to me swerved to avoid hitting a squirrel, running me into a pothole and drenching me in coffee.
I hate squirrels, too.
Well, maybe it was for the best.
The coffee might've made you irritable.
My show today was a fiasco-- the second day in a row we had virtually no callers.
It's getting harder and harder to blame it on Roz.
Well, maybe you fixed everybody.
Oh, wait! There was one caller: my date for Saturday night called to cancel because I am not her type.
Oh, and guess what? Her honesty was not refreshing.
Dear God we're out of sherry.
Well insult made injury.
Well, here's something that'll cheer you up.
Ronee's boss gave her his cabin for the weekend, so we're heading up there tonight.
Oh.
Well being home alone for the weekend might be just the thing for someone in my state of mind.
Me and my shadow of a life.
Hey, hey, hey! We're not leaving you at home.
You're coming with us.
Wouldn't be any fun without you.
Oh, really, Dad? I was so hoping that you would say that.
The last thing I wanted to do was spend the weekend here wallowing in self-pity.
Leave it to you to see right through me and toss me a lifeline.
Oh, uh, now, are you sure, Fras? 'Cause, you know, uh, come to think of it, there are lots of squirrels up there.
(doorbell rings) Well, I don't mind them in their own milieu.
Oh, guys, I'm so looking forward to taking in some mountain air with the two of you.
And isn't this fortuitous? I've just had my Tyrolean hat refeathered! Can I talk to you? (door opens) FRASIER: Niles.
Oh, Frasier, I have had the worst day imaginable.
I need a sherry.
Brace yourself.
You always think it's going to happen to someone else.
I've opened some wine, Niles .
Help yourself.
Oh, thanks.
Two of my patients canceled, and Daphne and I spent the afternoon arguing over which diaper pail we would buy for the nursery.
Then, driving home, I successfully avoided hitting a squirrel, only to be nearly run off the road by some horn-happy maniac.
That was me, you simp.
You nearly killed me.
You nearly killed me! And what was that crude multipart gesture you unleashed on me? I had hot coffee all over my hand! You know what? I do not wish to delve into it.
I am trying to put my own miserable day behind me.
To that end, Ronee and Dad are going to the mountains for the weekend and I've decided to tag along.
Ah.
So it'll be just two wheels and you.
What are you saying? Well, just that if Ronee and Dad are going away for the weekend, it might've been more considerate not to horn in.
I'm not horning in, they invited me.
Ah, well, I would never dream of accepting such an obvious pity invite.
.
You don't have to dream, because they didn't invite you It happened so fast, then he got all excited and I didn't know what to say.
How about, "I was talking to the dog"? You know, the poor guy's going through a bad patch right now.
He could use a little company.
We don't have to spend any time with him.
Marty, you know I love Frasier, but this was supposed to be our weekend.
You and me, alone.
I know.
But, hey, why stop at Frasier? Why not invite Niles and Daphne and make it a party? We'd love to! Thank you, Ronee! Thanks, Dad! (taunting tone): Frasier MARTIN: Morning! You're finally up.
How'd you sleep? Perfectly.
I was borne off to dreamland by the cooing of a mourning dove.
Oh, I heard that, too.
I think the weasel s are in heat.
MARTIN: Ronee and I are taking a walk down to the lake.
Anybody interested? Oh, no, thanks, Pa.
I'm fixin' to have me some vittles.
Is he going to talk hillbilly all weekend? You should've heard him the weekend of the Renaissance Faire.
FRASIER: See you guys later! Okay, bye.
All right.
Aw, Daph you know who would've really enjoyed this trip? Niles.
You're right.
But let's not dwell on that.
.
We'll make our own fun Right.
Something smells good.
Whatcha cookin'? Sausage patties.
Oh! I hope they're hot and spicy.
That's the way I like it.
I know you do.
(both laughing) You're so different from your brother.
Really? How so? Well, for one thing, you're alive.
(both laughing) You know, I can't believe there are still people who blame me for Niles's death.
Oh, people will talk about anything.
So you sliced him to ribbons with your wheat thresher.
It was your first time farming, for God sakes.
What did I do with the salt? Hmm Huh Maybe I left it in the dining room.
Oh, I forgot to mention What's that, dear? I just had your baby.
I have never seen anything more beautifuI in my entire life.
(gasps) Frasier? I thought you went to bed.
I had a rather bizarre dream.
Really? What about? Uh Well, I'm not sure you really want to hear about this one, Niles.
Well, clearly it troubled you.
It might help you to discuss it.
You know how I enjoy interpreting dreams.
Well, all right, uh (clears throat) It took place in this very kitchen, and, uh I was married to Daphne and we were expecting a baby and, uh you were dead and I killed you.
Well, I can see how that might disturb you.
Indeed.
A man of your intellect having such an obvious dream.
I beg your pardon.
Oh, come on.
You're lonely, and you envy what I have.
I was just hoping for something more complex.
You know, a staircase leading nowhere or Mom giving you a physical.
Well, there were many other perplexing details that I left out.
For instance, uh, well, there was, uh a wheat thresher, and some sausage patties.
And Eddie was dead, too.
Ah, well, there's a real head-scratcher.
Well, thank you for your exhaustive analysis, Dr.
Crane.
Perhaps you should relocate your offices to a drive-thru so your patients could speak into a clown's nose.
w.
All right, I'm going to bed no I was hoping this book would make me drowsy, but it looks like your dream has done the trick instead.
You died tragically, and no one missed you.
Oh, hi, Roz.
Well, finally.
Your show's about to start.
I'm sorry.
We just got back from the mountains this morning.
You're about to get all the vacation you can handle.
kenny says if you don't get a call today, you're off the air.
What?! We're bound to get a call.
Why? We haven't had a call in six months.
Oh, dear.
(gasps) You're on! What? Hello, Seattle.
This is Dr.
Frasier Crane.
Who's our first caller, Roz? We have no one from nowhere.
Very amusing, Roz.
(phone ringing) What's that sound? hone.
It's a p Hello.
Hello, Seattle.
I'm listening.
Not that one.
The black one.
Hello, Seattle.
I'm listening.
Right there.
Hello, hello, Seattle Hurry! They're going to hang up! Hello hello If you don't find that phone I'm driving this booth off a cliff.
(sobbing): Oh, God, I'm trying to listen! (gasps) Damn it.
DAPHNE: Niles, how's the baby? Have you fed the baby yet? Make sure you warm the bottle first, but not too hot.
Should I come up? (explosion) What was that? Is everything all right up there? I'm coming to check.
Don't forget to burp him.
If you don't burp him, he'll cry.
I better do it myself.
Here I come.
DAPHNE: Is the baby okay? What's going on? I'm on my way.
(loud buzzing) He's going to need a new nappy, too.
Don't forget your other responsibilities, Niles.
There's lots of other responsibilities.
You have to prioritize, and the baby comes first.
Is he all right? I'm coming up there.
Make sure you support his head when you hold him.
Are you doing it right? I'm coming to check.
Are you ignoring me? Why don't I hear anything? Do I have to do everything around here? Do I smell something burning? I'm on my way.
(electricity popping) What was that? I'd better not find a mess.
I have enough work taking care of the baby.
(gasping) I can't do it.
It's just as well.
I'm too tired, anyway.
Oh, you couldn'? sleep either? Just thought I'd fix myself a little snack.
Well, you're entitled, eating for two.
I had the baby five months ago.
Oh, yes, that's right.
I had Roz send you some flowers.
I just have a few extra pregnancy pounds I haven't been able to lose yet.
It's really starting to show.
Oh, yes.
Well done.
I'll have Roz send you some flowers.
Excuse us.
The plumber has to fix the leaky faucet in our bedroom.
Oh, sure, go right on up.
one, Isn't he a clever finding a plumber at this hour? Yes, indeed.
How fat of you to notice.
Hello.
Hi.
I'm here about the cable problem.
Oh, I don't know anything about that.
I'll handle this, darling.
Cable's out in the bedroom.
Well, let's see what you've going on in there.
Bless him.
He's on top of everything around here.
You know, I really miss playing with Niles.
But he's so busy sleeping with other women.
What did you say? Have you seen Dad? Do you still think I'm beautiful? Dad, there you are.
I need to show you something in the bedroom.
Niles, wait! Please tell me you think I'm beautiful! Niles, answer me! Niles! Are you all right? How could you?! I'm sorry? You better be! Hello.
Oh, hi, Daph.
What are you doing here? I had a nightmare.
Couldn't get back to sleep.
.
That's strange Niles had a nightmare, too, and I just dreamt Niles had a nightmare? Mm-hmm.
What about? He dropped the baby, and it shattered.
(chuckles) That's perfect.
Wait a minute.
How did he drop it? Was it from a height? In a crowd? Was there water involved? No, he was in the nursery.
Yes! Oh, hi, Niles.
I understand you had a bad dream.
(chuckles) Yes, it was utterly inscrutable.
There was a table saw and an apple pie Spare me, Niles.
You broke the baby.
Now who has the obvious dreams? It was still more interesting than yours.
Frasier dreamed he killed me and married you.
At least he wasn't cheating on me with the service people because I was fat! Will you please stop blaming me for something I did in your dreams.
So you admit it.
Daphne, Daphne, I will always find you attractive.
Your dreams shouldn't worry you at all.
Unlike mine.
I could very well turn out to be a bad father.
At least you two can face your fears together.
Whom do I have to hug away my night terrors, hmm? Oh, boo-hoo.
Send yourself some flowers.
I beg your pardon.
That's a rather flippant comeback when I express myself Don't you take that tone with my wife.
He finally notices I'm in the room.
(all arguing) MARTIN: What the hell is going on here? Well, Dad, it's this infernal mountain air.
It's giving us all nightmares.
All of you? Well Daphne dreamed that she was terminally fat, Niles that he was going to be a bad parent At least mine arose from a real problem: the fact that I'm alone and I will always be alone.
Geez, we come up here to relax, and you're arguing about your dreams? Dreams that reveal genuine anxieties which were Blah, blah, blah.
You're afraid you're going to end up alone? You'll still have your family.
You're afraid you're going to be a bad father? Join the club.
Now just clam up and go to bed.
You know, I'm starting to regrinviting him up here.
Dad, we're sorry.
NILES: You were right.
Maybe we let our problems get to us a bit too much.
MARTIN: Well, hell, yes.
.
If they're the worst of your problems, you're lucky I got a bullet in my hip, a girlfriend who's too good for me and might realize it any day, a dog who's pushing and I'm not far behind him-- but you don't hear me making a fuss, do you? know why? 'Cause I focus on what's good about my life.
You know what you people should do? Let's tell them, Ronee.
(playing lively piano intro) Grab your coat and get your hat?? Leave your worries on the doorstep?? Life can be so sweet?? On the sunny side of the street?? (lush orchestration begins) Can't you hear the pitter-pat?? And that happy tune is your step?? Life can be complete?? On the sunny side of the street?? MARTIN AND RONEE: I used to walk in the shade? With my blues on parade? But I'm not afraid?? This rover crossed over? If I never have a cent I'll be rich as Rockefeller Gold dust at my feet??