QI (2003) s11e14 Episode Script
Kris Kringle
This programme contains some strong language.
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
Noel, noel, noel, noel.
"Hell is empty, all the devils are here," to quote Shakespeare.
Welcome to the QI Christmas Show, otherwise known as the Feast of Stephen.
Let's meet our merry players.
Miss Scarlet, Jo Brand.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Colonel Mustard, Phill Jupitus.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Mrs Brown, Brendan O'Carroll.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And the lead piping in the bathroom, Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And their buzzers are adorable.
Jo goes FEMALE AUDIENCE: # Oh, come let us adore him Brendan goes MALE AUDIENCE: # Oh, come let us adore him Phill goes ALL: # Oh, come let us adore him.
And Alan goes ALL: Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.
Ever one to spoil a party, thank you, Alan.
And so to our first question.
Ooh, you've been given a truly horrible sweater for Christmas.
Oh, sorry, that's the question.
What's the best way to get rid of it? Some comedic unravelling that they used to always do in films when I was little on the telly, and you never see that joke any more.
There's always someone getting a thing and it's unravelling and they never know.
THEY MIMIC UNRAVELLING That definitely would do it.
Tom and Jerry.
That would do it.
Any other thoughts? Well, you can get in touch with the people at CERN, who have been working on the Higgs Boson, which I'm fairly sure will lead to time travel, and then you can turn them back into sheep.
Reversing time is a very good idea.
That would do it.
It's complex.
Yeah.
Brendan? I would just say "Thank you very much" and burn it.
Ever the practical, positive solution.
I'd do the same, I'd set fire to it, but I'd make sure my least favourite relative was trying it on at the time.
Well You could give it to charity.
There was a lady who lived in our road who used to donate three shirts, four shirts a week to charity, and then she'd go back and buy them back for 50p each, because it was cheaper than leaving them into the cleaners.
Yes, that is fantastic.
That's brilliant.
Well, the funny thing is, between you, you've oddly got near the truth of it.
Unravel it whilst travelling through time? You sort of do the effect of travelling through time.
If you take a sweater on a journey back through time, eventually it becomes a ball of wool.
And is there a machine that can take a pullover and unravel it back into its constituent woollen parts? Or a scarf, for example? Why would you make such a thing? Why indeed? We have the only person we know on the planet who has done it.
Imogen Hedges, ladies and gentlemen.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello, Imogen.
Hi.
Lovely to see you.
Now to explain ourselves, you're a student at? Kingston, I've just graduated.
And one of your projects was an un-knitting machine.
And is this something you've built yourself? Yeah.
Which is fantastic.
What a mind.
Most people think, "I'll try and make something," but to un-make something, to go back in time.
Could you take Alan's scarf and return it to a ball of wool? Yeah.
Seriously? Yeah.
Oh, charming! Can you, once you've un-knitted it, can you knit it again? Yeah.
OK.
She can do anything.
Can we see your machine? There it is and that's your brother there? My brother.
Tristan, give us a wave.
My helpful assistant.
Hello, Tristan.
He's going to operate it, it's pedal powered.
Yes, it's pedal.
Do they not have electricity in Kingston at the university? Has the recession bitten that hard? It's like the wind-up radio, it's for use around the world.
Can I ask a question? Has Tristan got a girlfriend? He is quite, he is He's very cute, isn't he? Yes.
One would, one feels.
He's going to pedal fast now, I tell you that.
Stop it, stop it, stop it at once.
All right.
Slow down, Tristan, slow down.
Just behave.
I'm sorry.
He'll be ploughing across the studio.
"Sod your knitting!" Stop it, stop it, stop it.
Imogen, thanks very much, you can take the scarf away and we'll be looking in on you.
APPLAUSE Oh, dear! I just hate it when you two get all Christmassy like that.
We'll be looking in on her from time to time.
Now, we're all loyal servants of Her Majesty here - what do you think the Queen's going to give you for Christmas this year? CHOIR SINGS .
.
reindeer A message! She will certainly be giving us all a message, that's true.
Is that not a klaxon, I felt certain it would be a klaxon.
It should have been, but it's true.
For years, it's actually been a robot.
But she only gives things to people when they're 100.
She gives Maundy money.
She gives Maundy money on Maundy Thursday What else does she give? Well, her staff, which is obviously extensive, used to bethey could choose from a catalogue Argos? LAUGHTER .
.
andwith a value between What, choose their present? .
.
between ?20-25, according to length of service.
Between 20 and? That's a very small window.
It's not exactly! ?26.
99? No.
AS QUEEN: Too much! In 2006, it sort of changed.
They all get the same thing, the staff.
These are her equerries and butlers and so on.
Obviously, her family is different.
This is if you are a servant, in some way.
How many staff? I don't have the number, but it's pretty enormous.
I'm sorry.
You don't know?! I've failed you, Brendan, on the first fence.
'Sake! I apologise from the very heart of everything.
I thought you would know every light bulb in the Palace.
Oh, damn it.
I'll just say a number and you'll believe me.
Yes.
There are over 4,000 light bulbs in the Palace.
My God.
That's some bill.
Have you not met the Queen yet? I Yes.
She nudged me once.
Quite hard, in the ribs.
It wasquite funny! It was at her son's wedding, to Camilla, at Windsor Castle, and she'd made a very funny speech, she'd got on a table, she'd stood on the table She got on a table?! Yeah.
Sort of clambered up? She stood on the chair, got on the table, then she made a very funny speech, got down, and just mingled among everybody.
I got this rib "Is anybody going to give me cake?" LAUGHTER It was brilliant! I tell you! So I said, "Of course, Ma'am, I'll get you some cake.
" This must be a dream, you've dreamed all of it! I know it sounds mad, but it's absolutely true.
I'm going outside for a fag! It was in the days I smoked and I was caught by a photographer in the buttresses of the chapel at Windsor.
The bu! LAUGHTER With my big top hat and everything, smoking.
Coming out of the top! You can take the woolly hats off now if you like, if you're getting hot.
You don't like yours? Thank you.
Pop it under the thingy.
Shall I pop it under? Or you can keep it on, whichthey like.
LAUGHTER Let's see how Imogen is getting on, shall we? That would be rather fun.
Have you started your machine? Oh, there it is! And there's Tristan pedalling away.
Yes, indeed! He's looking so shy now, I feel terrible! Ha! That is amazing, you can see it.
It is absolutely unravelling before our eyes - brilliant! APPLAUSE Wow! I thought they would have got it done ages ago, if Tristan wasn't quite so relaxed.
LAUGHTER Oh, no! No! GASPS You have made! You! Jo Brand! Oh, the humanity! Oh! You deliberately spilled boiling water on his trousers, so you can mop them down.
You wicked, wicked woman.
As soon as they go off-screen, Imogen is going to beat him! Is Tristan wearing corduroys, so the heat generated by the whiff-whiff of the corduroy is powering the kettle? You have embarrassed the brother and sister team almost to death.
Sorry, Imogen, sorry.
If he gets snagged up in that, he might get unravelled himself.
A full human being being unravelled! Little piles of I'm going to build one of those for next Christmas.
It would be great.
Well, you should! Thank you very much, Imogen and Tristan - sorry about that.
We'll let you replace it.
Ruined.
It's not ruined.
Let's go back to Her Maj Now, the fact is, if you work for the Queen - nowadays - you all get the same present, instead of being able to choose from the catalogue.
We've done a montage of them - bottle of bubbly, silver plate of financial restraint - was just coasters.
And in 2012, Jubilee Year, a special themed trinket box.
You all get the same thing, with monogrammedsomething - cigar box, or whatever it was.
You can't expect the woman to go down the high street shopping, can you? No! No! Especially not if she's in one of her cake frenzies.
More cake! Cake! Give me cake!! Have to pull her away from Greggs.
Yeah! Oh! It takes three equerries Or are they e-QUE-rries? Or are they eclairs? It's e-QUE-rries.
Is that a cake? I don't know! Anyway Now, why is Santa off the rich list? Aw! Poor Santa.
Cutbacks? That might be! Austerity drive.
Austerity drive He only works one day a year.
Only works one day a year Has he developed a conscience? He used to be on the rich list, until 2006 - Forbes Magazine famously invented virtually the idea of a rich list.
Is there some? Yes, young Brendan? Is it because WHISPERS: .
.
he may not be real? BELL AND KLAXON SOUND LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Yes! APPLAUSE CONTINUES Thank you! Oh, and poor Phill! LAUGHTER Phill - that got a klaxon, so that can't be right.
Don't worry There! Poor little soul! Two things - Forbes Magazine genuinely publishes a fictional rich list.
And Santa Claus used to be on it, because they reckoned he must be infinitely rich, because he is able to distribute presents every year to all the children of the world.
They said, "I don't believe he does" I don't know why Richie Rich.
That's Richie Rich, of course.
Scrooge Scrooge, I guess, on the left.
Father Christmas himself The late Bernard Manning, on the right? LAUGHTER Can you name I've got the top five.
.
.
name any in the top five that you imagine might be on the rich list? Real people or imaginary? No, fictional, that's the point.
Scrooge McDuck.
No - but number two IS the enemy of Scrooge McDuck.
SOMEONE MAKES DUCK SOUNDS BRENDAN MAKES DUCK SOUNDS Good one.
Flintheart Glomgoldis his name.
Flintheart Glomgold.
Flintheart Glomgold, yeah.
And number one played Benedict Cumberbatch the richest fictional creature in the world - human or They know in the audience! MAN IN AUDIENCE: Smaug.
Smaug.
Smaug was the dragon in The Hobbit.
$62 billion worth of gold, he sits upon, until of course he Well, I'm not going to tell you the ending, because I happen to be in it.
Don't spoil it.
But why is Santa taken off, because surely he must be really rich to give everyone a present? It's a very simple reason.
Tax evasion.
Not tax evasion! Unusual answer.
Because it's a fictional And he's real! .
.
list, and Santa is real! ALL: Aw! Forbes decided that, so there you go! Good result, Santa! APPLAUSE Just let's see how Imogen's doing, shall we? Imogen and Tristan? Oh, you Spool it back up He's turning slowly Oh, he's doing two tasks now.
Hey, very good! He's getting it back into a ball.
It actually doesn't just unravel it, it balls it up as well.
Look at th Balls it up - sorry! Beautifully! Look at how cunning that little thing is, the way it moves, the little shuttley It's called Tristan, Stephen.
No! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Imogen, what do you call that sort of unit, that winds it up? BRENDAN: Her brother.
Erm Did you design the way that it moves like that, so that it could? The little tiny thing? Yeah.
That's from eBay.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I think British industry in the future has nothing to fear.
We're going to win over the world.
Congratulations.
We'll come back when that ball of wool is complete.
That's brilliant.
Now, historic moment Baaa! Baaa! What's Baldrick brought for me this Christmas? Baldrick Right, OK.
Bought for you, Melchett? Are we Melching? Well, it's for me.
It's for you? And who is that there on the screen? Tony Robinson.
Tony Robinson.
And there is a Tony Robinson, Baldrick, who is about to come on.
But in the First World War, as you probably know, and we've covered before Football.
.
.
there was a Christmas football truce.
Truce, yes.
But what happened later, in 1915, was that because football had been banned at Christmas Day, a soldier smuggled into the trench a football - it was deflated, so that no-one would spot it.
And then he blew it up before the Battle of Loos.
And in the morning, when the whistle blew to commence the offensive, he threw it out of the trench, shouting, "Play up, London Irish," because he was from the London Irish Regiment, which I'm sure you'll be aware of.
I am, indeed.
Great regiment.
And they found the football when they got to the German trench - they kept it, and it so happens, a member of that London Irish happens to be called Tony Robinson, and is therefore always called Baldrick by his fellows - and he has brought that football along today.
ALL: Wow! APPLAUSE My God! Flies up, man! LAUGHTER Oh, Christmas came early! Darling, take that man's name! And address.
Erm This really is, Tony, the football.
It is indeed.
And where is it kept? It is kept in the museum, which is now down in Camberwell, at the London Irish Rifles.
Is it called the London Irish Regiment or the London Regiment? We're D Company London Irish Rifles of the London Regiment.
Right, D-Company.
And it's still an active regiment in the British Army, and we have some of your fellow soldiers over here.
If you'd like to stand up, here they are APPLAUSE Fabulous to see you, boys.
They're all recently back from Helmand Province in Afghanistan.
This is a very historic year for Irish soldiers.
Tell me why.
Well, last May, all Irish soldiers who deserted the Irish Army Oh, yes! Have been I haven't finished the fucker yet! No, no.
Sorry.
APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER Carry on.
All soldiers who deserted the Irish Army in both First World War and Second World War periods and joined the British Army to fight for the British Army were granted a pardon.
That is extraordinary, isn't it? Well, it's too late now, they're dead.
Almost all of them are dead, but it was true, that if you were Irish and anti-fascist, say Yes.
.
.
and you wanted to fight for the Allies against Germany, and so you joined the British Army, it was considered by the Irish Government that you were a traitor.
Correct.
You got no pension, you couldn't work for the government.
You could barely go home.
Yeah, indeed.
Thank you very much, and please sit down.
Members of D Company, thank you so much.
APPLAUSE Anyway, erm, Baldrick Sir.
.
.
I've never seen you looking better.
You're still an absolute disaster of a human being.
Thank you so much for bringing melunch.
Erm, I'm not very hungry - you can take it away.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you very much indeed.
Wonderful.
APPLAUSE Tony Robinson.
So, yeah - that football you've just seen was kicked right across no-man's land by Rifleman Frank Edwards and the London Irish in 1915.
Now, let's test your beer goggles, as it were.
We have a man who is going to hold up a picture - who is it of? Marilyn Monroe.
Marilyn Monroe.
Yeah.
You can see the picture there - Marilyn Monroe.
Now, Sam, walk towards us, if you'd be kind enough I don't think it I thought I think it's supposed to look like her but I'm suspicious.
Albert Einstein! Albert Einstein! Holy crap! It is rather extraordinary.
It's both They're related?! No! LAUGHTER They were in the same room, Brendan! You'd hardly imagine they would be, would you? I think Marilyn Monroe did have quite a bad facial hair problem.
Did she?! From a distance, the image DOES look like Marilyn Monroe, because what they do is It's created by the MIT, this illusion - the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
They removed Marilyn's fine-grained features, like wrinkles and little blemishes, and Einstein's coarser features, like the shape of his mouth and nose, and then they superimposed the two.
And from a distance, we see just the broader strokes - we see her, Marilyn Monroe.
And close up, we see the fine details of Albert Einstein.
And we've done another version, just to show this really does work, it's not just Marilyn Erm, who's that? Handsome man.
That's Stephen Fry - I know him well.
That's me! That's me! Hurray! And if you come towards us Hello? Ah! Hello? It's Alan Davies! Yeh! APPLAUSE How about that? Who is it now? Oh, yeah, look at that.
Yeah, we have to be that close.
That's fantastic.
Isn't that interesting? It's an extraordinary illusion.
Hope they've done two of them so we can have one each in our bedrooms.
I want one in my house! What distance do you want it though? Ha-ha! I want to be far away from it, Stephen.
LAUGHTER Toss you for it.
Oh! Sorry.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much indeed.
Thanks, our picture bearers, and That's class.
And thank you, Albert and Marilyn.
So the take-home message tonight isdon't trust your eyes, even when you're sober.
In fact, you probably shouldn't really trust anything, but we've just come to that bit which we call General Ignorance.
So fingers on buzzers for very quick ones.
What year was Jesus born? MALE AUDIENCE: Oh, come let us Yes, Brendan? 5BC.
Ooh, it's not the right answer.
Damn close though.
Four.
No.
Three? No.
Two? No.
Other direction, eight? Six? Yes! Ah, come on! He was born six years before Christ! Well done, Jesus.
How crazy is that? That's how clever he is.
Now how do we know? Somebody told us.
It's, the only authority we could possibly have is There's a book about him, come on! The Bible doesn't give the date, though.
Doesn't it? It's been worked out by the only man we've ever been able to call, certainly for over 1,000 years, I think, Pope Emeritus.
Who is he? Emeritus, what does Emeritus mean? An ex-Pope.
An ex-Pope.
Is there an ex-Pope in the world? We've got one now.
We have.
Benedict, yes.
You didn't phone him, did you? It is Pope Emeritus Benedict the 16th.
Pope Emeritus.
His Holiness wrote a book with the catchy title - Jesus Of Nazareth, The Infancy Narratives.
And the calculation made by Dionysius Exiguus, which is basically Latin for Dennis the Small, on which the modern dating system is based, was wrong by several years, he says, and so he puts the date at 6BC, which you eventually got to, Alan, in your usual method.
What was the year before 1AD? FEMALE AUDIENCE: Oh, come Yes, Jo? Nought.
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear! BUZZER No.
Hurray.
Well done.
APPLAUSE Much admired.
Oh, I was going to say that! Why there, you're so surprised.
Ah! You're right, it went from December the 31st 1BC to 1st January 1AD.
The BC/AD scheme, for some reason, doesn't have a zero.
Anyway, here's an obviously easy one - is zero an odd number or an even number? It's not a number.
No, it is a number.
I give up.
No, that's, it's an interesting thought.
BUZZER Yes! So it is one of them.
Right, no, hang on.
It's even.
Yes! Yes, it's even, isn't it? Oh.
Class goes wild.
In an all criteria by which you judge an even number, it is even.
An even number is divisible by two without leaving a remainder.
Well, nought over two is nought, with no remainder.
Or it's a number that ends in zero, two, four, six or eight.
Well, zero obviously ends in zero, because it is zero.
Also, it has either side of it minus one and one, which are both odd numbers.
Our maths elf at QI thinks it's the easiest question that's ever been asked on QI.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take away my glory now! I'll get my points.
It's the easiest question that's ever been asked, yeah! But he is a maths elf.
The sun isn't there, I had that about four series ago, and I'm looking at it and it's not there, but this is easier! I know, maths people are odd.
I hate this show! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, Phill.
So you're so good at it.
So you feel bad, I got it wrong! That's true, where does that put you? Now, who wants to see one of my knick-knacks? My first knick-knack is for you to do.
I want you to create some extraordinarily magical Christmassy things using the power of chemistry alone.
And chemistry, let's not forget, means magic.
Ooh.
Alchemit, alchemit, the magic.
So, you should have Stephen, are we going to make a seasonal meth lab? Maybe.
Take out your little chemistry lab.
You have to put on your gloves, I'm afraid, for health and safety reasons.
Ooh, the gloves are good.
Oh.
While you're doing yours, because yours takes a bit of time, as you'll see, pour one in.
What are we doing? You pour the contents of your smaller into the larger.
Ah-ha, the usual! Yeah, what it is is, there is a So let me get this straight, we're providing a sample, is that what we're? No.
Now it should turn brown, put the lid on.
And then you just swirl until, sort of just swirl gently, sort of twist and swirl.
Is it like that? And you need to do that for about two minutes, just, not too violently, just that's it, lovely.
I've done this before.
Right, and while you're doing that, I'll just do my demonstration of using dry ice, which as we know, always makes a marvellous reaction with water.
Am I doing this right? Keep swirling.
What are the chances of us being busted by the Feds while we're doing this? And I've got this.
Stephen Fry's crack house.
It's like Tom Cruise in Cocktail.
Look at this.
Oh.
Phill, I've got this.
Ooh! Wow, Christmas party! Yeah.
Oh, I'll have some of that! OK, now, it's going to be quite a violent reaction to this, as I'm sure you've all seen dry ice, as they call it, and I've got here, this is sort of bubble, you know, like bubbles you blow.
I don't know where that's going.
So what we're trying to do is make smoky bubbles.
It's a little sort of Christmassy effect, here, God, I hope I can get the lid on in time.
Oh, Stephen Woo-hoo! Woo! Get down there.
Wo, hey, yeh, wo! What are you doing, Fry?! Wo! Where's that? Get the lid on! Oh, no! Get the lid on! Argh! Argh! Lid! Lid is on, lid is on! Lid is on.
It's going everywhere! Bubbles.
Here are my little bubbles.
Oh, oh! There's one, look, big one! Pop it.
Ping! Ooh! Smoky bubble.
Aah.
Smoky bubble! Oh, oh! Smoky bubble! Oh! Smoky bubble! APPLAUSE There we are.
I've gone completely reflective.
Oh, there you are.
Look, you've made a bauble.
Look at that.
You've made a bauble, because your little experiment, invented by Mr Tollens, is one of the things he used was silver nitrate, the same thing used in film photography.
And that is silver.
Wow.
You've got this beautiful silver bauble that you've made, just by mixing those two chemicals.
Can I just say, I've just seen myself, I didn't realise that I look like Last Christmas by Weight Watchers Wham.
LAUGHTER That is hideous.
But it is, oh, careful, it is very beautiful, isn't it? Gorgeous.
And they used to use exactly that for lining the inside of Thermos flasks, you know how they're silvered on the inside? Oh.
Yeah.
That's lovely.
And mirrors.
And there it is, you've made your own little home-made silver ball.
And I've finished my little bubbles.
And there we are.
Cool, man! So, there's only one last thing to check, and that Has anyone got any worries? Deeply.
There's just one last thing to check, what's happened to Alan's gran's scarf? Imogen, what do you have for us? There it is! Literally.
APPLAUSE There you go.
Four balls of wool! Thanks very much(!) A brilliant invention.
I hope they gave you first class with honours and They didn't.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, frankly Quite wrong, quite wrong.
For the New Year show, I want to see what the one who got a first made! But meanwhile, thank you, Imogen and Tristan Hedges.
Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The one who got a first probably made a scarf, Stephen.
LAUGHTER You're absolutely right.
Well, that brings us to the little, not inconsequential matter, of the Christmas scores.
And they are very interesting.
I'm afraid, in last place, with a very creditable minus 19 is Brendan O'Carroll.
APPLAUSE In third, with minus nine - Jo Brand.
APPLAUSE That's Weight Watchers.
In Santa's second place, with minus six - Alan Davies.
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE But our big Father Christmassy winner, with plus three, is Phill Jupitus! APPLAUSE So, that's it from Brendan, Phill, Jo, Alan and me.
Merry Christmas to you all, everywhere.
Bye-bye.
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
Noel, noel, noel, noel.
"Hell is empty, all the devils are here," to quote Shakespeare.
Welcome to the QI Christmas Show, otherwise known as the Feast of Stephen.
Let's meet our merry players.
Miss Scarlet, Jo Brand.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Colonel Mustard, Phill Jupitus.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Mrs Brown, Brendan O'Carroll.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And the lead piping in the bathroom, Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And their buzzers are adorable.
Jo goes FEMALE AUDIENCE: # Oh, come let us adore him Brendan goes MALE AUDIENCE: # Oh, come let us adore him Phill goes ALL: # Oh, come let us adore him.
And Alan goes ALL: Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.
Ever one to spoil a party, thank you, Alan.
And so to our first question.
Ooh, you've been given a truly horrible sweater for Christmas.
Oh, sorry, that's the question.
What's the best way to get rid of it? Some comedic unravelling that they used to always do in films when I was little on the telly, and you never see that joke any more.
There's always someone getting a thing and it's unravelling and they never know.
THEY MIMIC UNRAVELLING That definitely would do it.
Tom and Jerry.
That would do it.
Any other thoughts? Well, you can get in touch with the people at CERN, who have been working on the Higgs Boson, which I'm fairly sure will lead to time travel, and then you can turn them back into sheep.
Reversing time is a very good idea.
That would do it.
It's complex.
Yeah.
Brendan? I would just say "Thank you very much" and burn it.
Ever the practical, positive solution.
I'd do the same, I'd set fire to it, but I'd make sure my least favourite relative was trying it on at the time.
Well You could give it to charity.
There was a lady who lived in our road who used to donate three shirts, four shirts a week to charity, and then she'd go back and buy them back for 50p each, because it was cheaper than leaving them into the cleaners.
Yes, that is fantastic.
That's brilliant.
Well, the funny thing is, between you, you've oddly got near the truth of it.
Unravel it whilst travelling through time? You sort of do the effect of travelling through time.
If you take a sweater on a journey back through time, eventually it becomes a ball of wool.
And is there a machine that can take a pullover and unravel it back into its constituent woollen parts? Or a scarf, for example? Why would you make such a thing? Why indeed? We have the only person we know on the planet who has done it.
Imogen Hedges, ladies and gentlemen.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello, Imogen.
Hi.
Lovely to see you.
Now to explain ourselves, you're a student at? Kingston, I've just graduated.
And one of your projects was an un-knitting machine.
And is this something you've built yourself? Yeah.
Which is fantastic.
What a mind.
Most people think, "I'll try and make something," but to un-make something, to go back in time.
Could you take Alan's scarf and return it to a ball of wool? Yeah.
Seriously? Yeah.
Oh, charming! Can you, once you've un-knitted it, can you knit it again? Yeah.
OK.
She can do anything.
Can we see your machine? There it is and that's your brother there? My brother.
Tristan, give us a wave.
My helpful assistant.
Hello, Tristan.
He's going to operate it, it's pedal powered.
Yes, it's pedal.
Do they not have electricity in Kingston at the university? Has the recession bitten that hard? It's like the wind-up radio, it's for use around the world.
Can I ask a question? Has Tristan got a girlfriend? He is quite, he is He's very cute, isn't he? Yes.
One would, one feels.
He's going to pedal fast now, I tell you that.
Stop it, stop it, stop it at once.
All right.
Slow down, Tristan, slow down.
Just behave.
I'm sorry.
He'll be ploughing across the studio.
"Sod your knitting!" Stop it, stop it, stop it.
Imogen, thanks very much, you can take the scarf away and we'll be looking in on you.
APPLAUSE Oh, dear! I just hate it when you two get all Christmassy like that.
We'll be looking in on her from time to time.
Now, we're all loyal servants of Her Majesty here - what do you think the Queen's going to give you for Christmas this year? CHOIR SINGS .
.
reindeer A message! She will certainly be giving us all a message, that's true.
Is that not a klaxon, I felt certain it would be a klaxon.
It should have been, but it's true.
For years, it's actually been a robot.
But she only gives things to people when they're 100.
She gives Maundy money.
She gives Maundy money on Maundy Thursday What else does she give? Well, her staff, which is obviously extensive, used to bethey could choose from a catalogue Argos? LAUGHTER .
.
andwith a value between What, choose their present? .
.
between ?20-25, according to length of service.
Between 20 and? That's a very small window.
It's not exactly! ?26.
99? No.
AS QUEEN: Too much! In 2006, it sort of changed.
They all get the same thing, the staff.
These are her equerries and butlers and so on.
Obviously, her family is different.
This is if you are a servant, in some way.
How many staff? I don't have the number, but it's pretty enormous.
I'm sorry.
You don't know?! I've failed you, Brendan, on the first fence.
'Sake! I apologise from the very heart of everything.
I thought you would know every light bulb in the Palace.
Oh, damn it.
I'll just say a number and you'll believe me.
Yes.
There are over 4,000 light bulbs in the Palace.
My God.
That's some bill.
Have you not met the Queen yet? I Yes.
She nudged me once.
Quite hard, in the ribs.
It wasquite funny! It was at her son's wedding, to Camilla, at Windsor Castle, and she'd made a very funny speech, she'd got on a table, she'd stood on the table She got on a table?! Yeah.
Sort of clambered up? She stood on the chair, got on the table, then she made a very funny speech, got down, and just mingled among everybody.
I got this rib "Is anybody going to give me cake?" LAUGHTER It was brilliant! I tell you! So I said, "Of course, Ma'am, I'll get you some cake.
" This must be a dream, you've dreamed all of it! I know it sounds mad, but it's absolutely true.
I'm going outside for a fag! It was in the days I smoked and I was caught by a photographer in the buttresses of the chapel at Windsor.
The bu! LAUGHTER With my big top hat and everything, smoking.
Coming out of the top! You can take the woolly hats off now if you like, if you're getting hot.
You don't like yours? Thank you.
Pop it under the thingy.
Shall I pop it under? Or you can keep it on, whichthey like.
LAUGHTER Let's see how Imogen is getting on, shall we? That would be rather fun.
Have you started your machine? Oh, there it is! And there's Tristan pedalling away.
Yes, indeed! He's looking so shy now, I feel terrible! Ha! That is amazing, you can see it.
It is absolutely unravelling before our eyes - brilliant! APPLAUSE Wow! I thought they would have got it done ages ago, if Tristan wasn't quite so relaxed.
LAUGHTER Oh, no! No! GASPS You have made! You! Jo Brand! Oh, the humanity! Oh! You deliberately spilled boiling water on his trousers, so you can mop them down.
You wicked, wicked woman.
As soon as they go off-screen, Imogen is going to beat him! Is Tristan wearing corduroys, so the heat generated by the whiff-whiff of the corduroy is powering the kettle? You have embarrassed the brother and sister team almost to death.
Sorry, Imogen, sorry.
If he gets snagged up in that, he might get unravelled himself.
A full human being being unravelled! Little piles of I'm going to build one of those for next Christmas.
It would be great.
Well, you should! Thank you very much, Imogen and Tristan - sorry about that.
We'll let you replace it.
Ruined.
It's not ruined.
Let's go back to Her Maj Now, the fact is, if you work for the Queen - nowadays - you all get the same present, instead of being able to choose from the catalogue.
We've done a montage of them - bottle of bubbly, silver plate of financial restraint - was just coasters.
And in 2012, Jubilee Year, a special themed trinket box.
You all get the same thing, with monogrammedsomething - cigar box, or whatever it was.
You can't expect the woman to go down the high street shopping, can you? No! No! Especially not if she's in one of her cake frenzies.
More cake! Cake! Give me cake!! Have to pull her away from Greggs.
Yeah! Oh! It takes three equerries Or are they e-QUE-rries? Or are they eclairs? It's e-QUE-rries.
Is that a cake? I don't know! Anyway Now, why is Santa off the rich list? Aw! Poor Santa.
Cutbacks? That might be! Austerity drive.
Austerity drive He only works one day a year.
Only works one day a year Has he developed a conscience? He used to be on the rich list, until 2006 - Forbes Magazine famously invented virtually the idea of a rich list.
Is there some? Yes, young Brendan? Is it because WHISPERS: .
.
he may not be real? BELL AND KLAXON SOUND LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Yes! APPLAUSE CONTINUES Thank you! Oh, and poor Phill! LAUGHTER Phill - that got a klaxon, so that can't be right.
Don't worry There! Poor little soul! Two things - Forbes Magazine genuinely publishes a fictional rich list.
And Santa Claus used to be on it, because they reckoned he must be infinitely rich, because he is able to distribute presents every year to all the children of the world.
They said, "I don't believe he does" I don't know why Richie Rich.
That's Richie Rich, of course.
Scrooge Scrooge, I guess, on the left.
Father Christmas himself The late Bernard Manning, on the right? LAUGHTER Can you name I've got the top five.
.
.
name any in the top five that you imagine might be on the rich list? Real people or imaginary? No, fictional, that's the point.
Scrooge McDuck.
No - but number two IS the enemy of Scrooge McDuck.
SOMEONE MAKES DUCK SOUNDS BRENDAN MAKES DUCK SOUNDS Good one.
Flintheart Glomgoldis his name.
Flintheart Glomgold.
Flintheart Glomgold, yeah.
And number one played Benedict Cumberbatch the richest fictional creature in the world - human or They know in the audience! MAN IN AUDIENCE: Smaug.
Smaug.
Smaug was the dragon in The Hobbit.
$62 billion worth of gold, he sits upon, until of course he Well, I'm not going to tell you the ending, because I happen to be in it.
Don't spoil it.
But why is Santa taken off, because surely he must be really rich to give everyone a present? It's a very simple reason.
Tax evasion.
Not tax evasion! Unusual answer.
Because it's a fictional And he's real! .
.
list, and Santa is real! ALL: Aw! Forbes decided that, so there you go! Good result, Santa! APPLAUSE Just let's see how Imogen's doing, shall we? Imogen and Tristan? Oh, you Spool it back up He's turning slowly Oh, he's doing two tasks now.
Hey, very good! He's getting it back into a ball.
It actually doesn't just unravel it, it balls it up as well.
Look at th Balls it up - sorry! Beautifully! Look at how cunning that little thing is, the way it moves, the little shuttley It's called Tristan, Stephen.
No! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Imogen, what do you call that sort of unit, that winds it up? BRENDAN: Her brother.
Erm Did you design the way that it moves like that, so that it could? The little tiny thing? Yeah.
That's from eBay.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I think British industry in the future has nothing to fear.
We're going to win over the world.
Congratulations.
We'll come back when that ball of wool is complete.
That's brilliant.
Now, historic moment Baaa! Baaa! What's Baldrick brought for me this Christmas? Baldrick Right, OK.
Bought for you, Melchett? Are we Melching? Well, it's for me.
It's for you? And who is that there on the screen? Tony Robinson.
Tony Robinson.
And there is a Tony Robinson, Baldrick, who is about to come on.
But in the First World War, as you probably know, and we've covered before Football.
.
.
there was a Christmas football truce.
Truce, yes.
But what happened later, in 1915, was that because football had been banned at Christmas Day, a soldier smuggled into the trench a football - it was deflated, so that no-one would spot it.
And then he blew it up before the Battle of Loos.
And in the morning, when the whistle blew to commence the offensive, he threw it out of the trench, shouting, "Play up, London Irish," because he was from the London Irish Regiment, which I'm sure you'll be aware of.
I am, indeed.
Great regiment.
And they found the football when they got to the German trench - they kept it, and it so happens, a member of that London Irish happens to be called Tony Robinson, and is therefore always called Baldrick by his fellows - and he has brought that football along today.
ALL: Wow! APPLAUSE My God! Flies up, man! LAUGHTER Oh, Christmas came early! Darling, take that man's name! And address.
Erm This really is, Tony, the football.
It is indeed.
And where is it kept? It is kept in the museum, which is now down in Camberwell, at the London Irish Rifles.
Is it called the London Irish Regiment or the London Regiment? We're D Company London Irish Rifles of the London Regiment.
Right, D-Company.
And it's still an active regiment in the British Army, and we have some of your fellow soldiers over here.
If you'd like to stand up, here they are APPLAUSE Fabulous to see you, boys.
They're all recently back from Helmand Province in Afghanistan.
This is a very historic year for Irish soldiers.
Tell me why.
Well, last May, all Irish soldiers who deserted the Irish Army Oh, yes! Have been I haven't finished the fucker yet! No, no.
Sorry.
APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER Carry on.
All soldiers who deserted the Irish Army in both First World War and Second World War periods and joined the British Army to fight for the British Army were granted a pardon.
That is extraordinary, isn't it? Well, it's too late now, they're dead.
Almost all of them are dead, but it was true, that if you were Irish and anti-fascist, say Yes.
.
.
and you wanted to fight for the Allies against Germany, and so you joined the British Army, it was considered by the Irish Government that you were a traitor.
Correct.
You got no pension, you couldn't work for the government.
You could barely go home.
Yeah, indeed.
Thank you very much, and please sit down.
Members of D Company, thank you so much.
APPLAUSE Anyway, erm, Baldrick Sir.
.
.
I've never seen you looking better.
You're still an absolute disaster of a human being.
Thank you so much for bringing melunch.
Erm, I'm not very hungry - you can take it away.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you very much indeed.
Wonderful.
APPLAUSE Tony Robinson.
So, yeah - that football you've just seen was kicked right across no-man's land by Rifleman Frank Edwards and the London Irish in 1915.
Now, let's test your beer goggles, as it were.
We have a man who is going to hold up a picture - who is it of? Marilyn Monroe.
Marilyn Monroe.
Yeah.
You can see the picture there - Marilyn Monroe.
Now, Sam, walk towards us, if you'd be kind enough I don't think it I thought I think it's supposed to look like her but I'm suspicious.
Albert Einstein! Albert Einstein! Holy crap! It is rather extraordinary.
It's both They're related?! No! LAUGHTER They were in the same room, Brendan! You'd hardly imagine they would be, would you? I think Marilyn Monroe did have quite a bad facial hair problem.
Did she?! From a distance, the image DOES look like Marilyn Monroe, because what they do is It's created by the MIT, this illusion - the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
They removed Marilyn's fine-grained features, like wrinkles and little blemishes, and Einstein's coarser features, like the shape of his mouth and nose, and then they superimposed the two.
And from a distance, we see just the broader strokes - we see her, Marilyn Monroe.
And close up, we see the fine details of Albert Einstein.
And we've done another version, just to show this really does work, it's not just Marilyn Erm, who's that? Handsome man.
That's Stephen Fry - I know him well.
That's me! That's me! Hurray! And if you come towards us Hello? Ah! Hello? It's Alan Davies! Yeh! APPLAUSE How about that? Who is it now? Oh, yeah, look at that.
Yeah, we have to be that close.
That's fantastic.
Isn't that interesting? It's an extraordinary illusion.
Hope they've done two of them so we can have one each in our bedrooms.
I want one in my house! What distance do you want it though? Ha-ha! I want to be far away from it, Stephen.
LAUGHTER Toss you for it.
Oh! Sorry.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much indeed.
Thanks, our picture bearers, and That's class.
And thank you, Albert and Marilyn.
So the take-home message tonight isdon't trust your eyes, even when you're sober.
In fact, you probably shouldn't really trust anything, but we've just come to that bit which we call General Ignorance.
So fingers on buzzers for very quick ones.
What year was Jesus born? MALE AUDIENCE: Oh, come let us Yes, Brendan? 5BC.
Ooh, it's not the right answer.
Damn close though.
Four.
No.
Three? No.
Two? No.
Other direction, eight? Six? Yes! Ah, come on! He was born six years before Christ! Well done, Jesus.
How crazy is that? That's how clever he is.
Now how do we know? Somebody told us.
It's, the only authority we could possibly have is There's a book about him, come on! The Bible doesn't give the date, though.
Doesn't it? It's been worked out by the only man we've ever been able to call, certainly for over 1,000 years, I think, Pope Emeritus.
Who is he? Emeritus, what does Emeritus mean? An ex-Pope.
An ex-Pope.
Is there an ex-Pope in the world? We've got one now.
We have.
Benedict, yes.
You didn't phone him, did you? It is Pope Emeritus Benedict the 16th.
Pope Emeritus.
His Holiness wrote a book with the catchy title - Jesus Of Nazareth, The Infancy Narratives.
And the calculation made by Dionysius Exiguus, which is basically Latin for Dennis the Small, on which the modern dating system is based, was wrong by several years, he says, and so he puts the date at 6BC, which you eventually got to, Alan, in your usual method.
What was the year before 1AD? FEMALE AUDIENCE: Oh, come Yes, Jo? Nought.
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear! BUZZER No.
Hurray.
Well done.
APPLAUSE Much admired.
Oh, I was going to say that! Why there, you're so surprised.
Ah! You're right, it went from December the 31st 1BC to 1st January 1AD.
The BC/AD scheme, for some reason, doesn't have a zero.
Anyway, here's an obviously easy one - is zero an odd number or an even number? It's not a number.
No, it is a number.
I give up.
No, that's, it's an interesting thought.
BUZZER Yes! So it is one of them.
Right, no, hang on.
It's even.
Yes! Yes, it's even, isn't it? Oh.
Class goes wild.
In an all criteria by which you judge an even number, it is even.
An even number is divisible by two without leaving a remainder.
Well, nought over two is nought, with no remainder.
Or it's a number that ends in zero, two, four, six or eight.
Well, zero obviously ends in zero, because it is zero.
Also, it has either side of it minus one and one, which are both odd numbers.
Our maths elf at QI thinks it's the easiest question that's ever been asked on QI.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take away my glory now! I'll get my points.
It's the easiest question that's ever been asked, yeah! But he is a maths elf.
The sun isn't there, I had that about four series ago, and I'm looking at it and it's not there, but this is easier! I know, maths people are odd.
I hate this show! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, Phill.
So you're so good at it.
So you feel bad, I got it wrong! That's true, where does that put you? Now, who wants to see one of my knick-knacks? My first knick-knack is for you to do.
I want you to create some extraordinarily magical Christmassy things using the power of chemistry alone.
And chemistry, let's not forget, means magic.
Ooh.
Alchemit, alchemit, the magic.
So, you should have Stephen, are we going to make a seasonal meth lab? Maybe.
Take out your little chemistry lab.
You have to put on your gloves, I'm afraid, for health and safety reasons.
Ooh, the gloves are good.
Oh.
While you're doing yours, because yours takes a bit of time, as you'll see, pour one in.
What are we doing? You pour the contents of your smaller into the larger.
Ah-ha, the usual! Yeah, what it is is, there is a So let me get this straight, we're providing a sample, is that what we're? No.
Now it should turn brown, put the lid on.
And then you just swirl until, sort of just swirl gently, sort of twist and swirl.
Is it like that? And you need to do that for about two minutes, just, not too violently, just that's it, lovely.
I've done this before.
Right, and while you're doing that, I'll just do my demonstration of using dry ice, which as we know, always makes a marvellous reaction with water.
Am I doing this right? Keep swirling.
What are the chances of us being busted by the Feds while we're doing this? And I've got this.
Stephen Fry's crack house.
It's like Tom Cruise in Cocktail.
Look at this.
Oh.
Phill, I've got this.
Ooh! Wow, Christmas party! Yeah.
Oh, I'll have some of that! OK, now, it's going to be quite a violent reaction to this, as I'm sure you've all seen dry ice, as they call it, and I've got here, this is sort of bubble, you know, like bubbles you blow.
I don't know where that's going.
So what we're trying to do is make smoky bubbles.
It's a little sort of Christmassy effect, here, God, I hope I can get the lid on in time.
Oh, Stephen Woo-hoo! Woo! Get down there.
Wo, hey, yeh, wo! What are you doing, Fry?! Wo! Where's that? Get the lid on! Oh, no! Get the lid on! Argh! Argh! Lid! Lid is on, lid is on! Lid is on.
It's going everywhere! Bubbles.
Here are my little bubbles.
Oh, oh! There's one, look, big one! Pop it.
Ping! Ooh! Smoky bubble.
Aah.
Smoky bubble! Oh, oh! Smoky bubble! Oh! Smoky bubble! APPLAUSE There we are.
I've gone completely reflective.
Oh, there you are.
Look, you've made a bauble.
Look at that.
You've made a bauble, because your little experiment, invented by Mr Tollens, is one of the things he used was silver nitrate, the same thing used in film photography.
And that is silver.
Wow.
You've got this beautiful silver bauble that you've made, just by mixing those two chemicals.
Can I just say, I've just seen myself, I didn't realise that I look like Last Christmas by Weight Watchers Wham.
LAUGHTER That is hideous.
But it is, oh, careful, it is very beautiful, isn't it? Gorgeous.
And they used to use exactly that for lining the inside of Thermos flasks, you know how they're silvered on the inside? Oh.
Yeah.
That's lovely.
And mirrors.
And there it is, you've made your own little home-made silver ball.
And I've finished my little bubbles.
And there we are.
Cool, man! So, there's only one last thing to check, and that Has anyone got any worries? Deeply.
There's just one last thing to check, what's happened to Alan's gran's scarf? Imogen, what do you have for us? There it is! Literally.
APPLAUSE There you go.
Four balls of wool! Thanks very much(!) A brilliant invention.
I hope they gave you first class with honours and They didn't.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, frankly Quite wrong, quite wrong.
For the New Year show, I want to see what the one who got a first made! But meanwhile, thank you, Imogen and Tristan Hedges.
Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The one who got a first probably made a scarf, Stephen.
LAUGHTER You're absolutely right.
Well, that brings us to the little, not inconsequential matter, of the Christmas scores.
And they are very interesting.
I'm afraid, in last place, with a very creditable minus 19 is Brendan O'Carroll.
APPLAUSE In third, with minus nine - Jo Brand.
APPLAUSE That's Weight Watchers.
In Santa's second place, with minus six - Alan Davies.
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE But our big Father Christmassy winner, with plus three, is Phill Jupitus! APPLAUSE So, that's it from Brendan, Phill, Jo, Alan and me.
Merry Christmas to you all, everywhere.
Bye-bye.