Big Bang Theory s11e15 Episode Script

1 Previously on The Big Bang Theory So, Leonard, tell everyone your news.
Oh, uh, I am starting a book.
That would be big news from Penny, but you've read a book before.
He means he's writing a book.
I do.
It's something I've been thinking about for a long time.
Yeah.
It's about a brilliant physicist who solves crimes using science.
Oh, Leonard It's not about you! Oh, boy.
What? They cast the new Professor Proton.
Is it Sheldon? Not exactly.
SHELDON: Wheaton! It's Wil Wheaton.
Hey, what are you doing? I thought we were having dinner at Leonard and Penny's.
Oh, no.
No, they're watching the new Professor Proton.
I-I can't keep Wil Wheaton off the Internet, but I can keep him off my retinas.
So, you're just gonna sit here by yourself and do nothing? Of course not.
I'm going to write mean comments about Wil's show online.
Well, you can't criticize something you haven't seen.
I'm sorry, are you familiar with the Internet? Well, what if I watch it with you? Maybe I won't like it and we can complain about it together.
Get your own thing to complain about.
Oh, trust me, I've got one.
Look, at least if you watch it, maybe you can find more specific things to criticize.
Oh, that is a good point.
Criticisms are more hurtful when they're specific.
Grab your goggles Lab coat on Here he comes, Professor Proton.
Hey, everybody.
I'm Professor Proton.
Welcome to the show.
Today I will be teaching you how to make a real hovercraft using common household items.
Darn it, I do like objects that hover.
All you will need is a CD, a bottle cap, a balloon, and some super glue.
Oh, no! I have all those things! Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! The Big Bang Theory 11x15 The Novelization Correlation Original Air (typewriter clacking) - Hey.
- Hi.
(typewriter dings) What's that noise? Oh, it's my new keyboard.
(chuckles) It looks and sounds like an old-fashioned typewriter.
It makes me feel like a real novelist.
You poured yourself a Scotch.
(stutters) Apple juice.
Oh.
But unsweetened, like Hemingway used to drink.
Ah.
- So, how's the book coming along? - Uh, good.
I just wrote the part where the hero, hotshot physicist Logan Dean, arrives at CERN.
Oh, is he based on you? Uh, kind of.
But he can eat dairy products without having to leave the room.
Yeah, that's smart, because CERN is in Switzerland and there's a lot of cheese there.
Hmm.
Uh, believe me, that is a plot point later.
Well, I'm excited to read it whenever you're ready.
Thank you.
Oh.
Oh! I just thought of the murder weapon! Swiss army knife? (laughs) No.
(laughs) That's way better.
Look, it works! We did it! See, there was a reason to keep that TurboTax CD.
Yeah.
A CD-ROM? More like "CD-vroom.
" Do you feel bad you told Wil Wheaton that you'd be his enemy if he did this show? No.
I feel bad I'm engaged to somebody that would point that out.
WHEATON: It's time for Professor Proton's science joke of the day.
Why can you not trust atoms? Hmm.
Because they make up everything.
(laughs): Oh, that's funny! Yeah, because they do.
They make up everything.
(doorbell rings) Oh, I wonder who that could be.
Just when I thought this couldn't get any better, Wil has introduced suspense into the show.
Hey, it's real NASA astronaut, Howard Wolowitz! What?! Hey, Professor Proton.
Hey, thanks for being here.
No problem.
I'm on my "launch" break.
How could Wil ask Howard to be on his show and not me? Well, he is an astronaut.
And he didn't start an online petition to get Wil fired.
But why wouldn't Howard tell me? Well, because he probably worried that you'd be a big baby about it.
All those answers make a lot of sense.
Thank you, Amy.
That helps.
And then, when the lights come back on in the supercollider room, Dr.
Logan Dean makes two important discoveries: a gluino (gruffly): and murder.
Oh, gluino.
That's exciting.
(gruffly): And murder.
(gruffly): I heard you.
The first time.
I don't know which Hemsworth is playing Logan Dean, but I know it's a Hemsworth.
Well, Logan's actually based on me.
So a young Paul Giamatti.
Well, I have to finish writing it before they can make it into a movie, and I still have a few things to figure out.
You should talk to Bernadette.
Since she's been on bed rest, she's binged, like, every detective show in the world.
Oh, there was a funny detective show in India called Karamchand.
He had an assistant named Kitty, and he was always saying, "Shut up, Kitty!" Sounds less mean if you say it in Hindi and don't think of women as having feelings.
Hello.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Howard, I want you to know that I forgive you.
I'll take it.
What's he forgiving you for? Don't care.
Clean slate.
Happy Yom Kippur to me.
I know that you were on Wil's show, and I know why you didn't tell me.
Do you? Because you were afraid that I would be difficult and annoying about it.
(chuckles) I hope your book has a twist as surprising as that.
It doesn't.
I thought you were boycotting Wil's show.
I was, but I decided to give it a shot, and I actually enjoyed it.
Just out of curiosity, how did you come to be on the show? Did he ask you? Did you ask him? Did you just show up on the set and ring that doorbell? Sheldon, if you want to be on the show, you're gonna have to apologize to Wil.
That would be the mature thing to do.
Let's put a pin in that and keep thinking.
Ooh.
What? What? Which part? That was just the baby kicking.
Got it.
(chuckles) - But this is good so far, really good.
- Yeah? Yeah.
I have no idea who the killer is.
Oh, great.
Me, neither.
So, does Penny know you based a character on her? What character? Ilsa, the head of the institute.
That's clearly Penny.
No, it's not.
Really? Confident, ball-busting beauty who's always rolling her eyes at Logan? Trust me, that describes more women than you think.
"He looked at the stunning woman who was his boss and said" It's murder.
Figure that out yourself, genius? Okay, no need to be snarky.
Who would want to kill him? Could be anyone.
Dr.
Silvers.
Dr.
Prekash.
Hans the janitor.
But the door is locked, so it has to be someone in this room.
Wow, you are on fire.
Maybe it is a little like Penny.
Any chance she'll be flattered? I don't know.
She's pretty mean.
Ilsa or Penny? Exactly.
Oh, hey, Howard.
What's up? I'm so sorry.
What for? Hello.
Hello, Sheldon.
I suppose you've come here to tell me that you've moved me to your super secret enemies list.
I don't have a super secret enemies list.
I'm not a Bond villain.
I'm just a regular guy, with a regular enemies list.
Which, by the way, you are no longer on.
Really? Well, that is something.
It's not something that I care about, but it is something.
He's trying to say he's sorry.
I am.
I watched your show, and it's really good.
Aw, thank you.
And I regret how hard I was on you.
I want you to know that being on the Professor Proton show has been a childhood dream of mine.
So, if you're ever looking for any more scientist guests, I hope you'll consider me.
I appreciate that, Sheldon, and I'll keep it in mind.
You know, actually Yay! Uh No.
No.
I want to have more female scientists represented on the show, and I thought maybe Amy might be interested? (stutters) Or wouldn't it be nice to have us both on, to show that even female scientists can land a man? (sighs) I said "sorry.
" So, what do you think? I like it.
I can't wait to see who the killer is.
Is it that Ilsa girl? She seems pretty mean.
But adorably mean, like a baby lion? No, regular mean, like a regular lion.
But it seems pretty accurate, considering who you based it on.
Huh.
And who do you think that is? But the door is locked, so it has to be someone in this room.
Wow.
You are on fire.
Oh.
Y Bernadette.
Yeah, sure.
Each one of you had a motive.
Who died and made you detective? He did.
I think you're neglecting your own motive, a massive inferiority complex.
It's not massive.
It's just average-sized.
I don't mean to interrupt, but somebody's tracking blood everywhere, so-- never mind, it's me.
You say we're all suspects.
How do we know you're not the killer? I have an alibi.
Yeah.
He's not smart enough to pull off a murder like this.
It's pretty obvious: blonde, mean, glasses.
It doesn't say "glasses.
" Oh, really? (stammers) But it will, because Ilsa does.
And you know who else wears them? (clicks tongue) Bernadette.
And-and that's her, cause it's, it's totally, it's totally her.
Oh, Amy.
Good, you're here.
Hi.
What's up? How would you like to be on television? Is it gonna be a news story where I have to say you were quiet and kept to yourself and I'm as shocked as anyone? No, it's not.
Wil Wheaton wants you to be on Professor Proton.
That's nice, but I'm not really interested.
What do you mean? But he wants to talk about women in science.
You're a woman, you're in science.
You go, girl.
I'm all for promoting women in science, but I don't really want to be on Wil's show.
Is it because kids may be there, and they're known carriers of head lice? I get that.
Sure, that's the reason.
Wait a minute.
You're always bragging that lice aren't attracted to you because your scalp is so oily.
That was on your dating profile.
Okay, look, I know you have strong feelings about Professor Proton, and I don't want to get in the middle of that.
So you're not going to do something just because you think it might upset me? Well, it's tricky, because answering that question honestly is one of the things I tend not to do because it upsets you.
Well, that's very upsetting.
Like I said.
What other things don't you do because of me? Remember last week when we went to that dueling piano bar I was so excited about? No.
Well, now you're getting it.
Boy, I don't know how people who aren't on bed rest keep up with the Kardashians.
Well, sometimes you have to read in your car while your husband thinks you're working late.
Speaking of which, he came by yesterday to show me his book.
Oh, and-and what did you think? I liked it.
Really? The Ilsa character didn't bother you? Oh, he was exaggerating.
You're not really like that.
Well, I know I'm not like that.
The character was based on you.
I don't know what to tell you.
When I brought it up with Leonard, he said it was you.
Well, when I brought it up, he got all squirrelly and left the room.
Son of a bitch.
I just learned some very distressing news.
Sometimes, Amy doesn't do things because she's worried about how I'll react.
First of all, it's not sometimes, it's always.
Second, it's not Amy, it's everybody.
And third, it's not news, it's well-established.
Yeah.
Like just now I wanted to get a croissant, but I didn't want to hear you say, "Ooh, la, la.
" So you're saying everyone walks on eggshells to spare my feelings? No, of course not, because we don't want to hear you complain about how much you hate the sound of crunching eggshells.
I don't want my relationship with Amy to be like that.
Sheldon, Amy knew what she was getting into.
You think? Yes, we warned her.
Well, regardless, I can change.
(both laugh) Sure.
Yeah, of course you can.
You know, everybody thinks I'm so predictable.
Well, tomorrow I'm gonna show up at work and do something no one will expect.
Where a baseball cap backwards to prove your point? Yes, but which hat? Gryffindor.
Well, now that you guessed it, I'm not gonna do it.
Yeah, you will.
Yeah.
(scoffs) Looks like the bullet went right through you.
Damn it, Logan.
When are you gonna stop? Sorry.
I didn't get my PhD in quitting.
You're a physicist.
What makes you think you can solve a crime? He's losing a lot of blood.
Great.
I'm gonna have to clean that up.
You know what? A little soda water might get that right out.
We got to find some bandages.
ILSA: No.
There's no time.
Does it hurt? Everything you do hurts.
Then why do you keep coming back for more? (door opens) Hey.
So this is what you think of me? Huh? I'm mean and everything I do hurts you? What are you talking about? I know I'm Ilsa.
Wha? That is crazy.
You-you two are totally different.
How? Well, you She Her name's Ilsa.
You know what? It's fine.
Write whatever you want.
And by the way, Logan Dean can tell everyone he's five-eight, but he's not fooling anybody! Are you sure that's the move you want to make? Absolutely.
Okay.
Checkmate.
Oh, I did not see that coming.
That's well played, Amy.
What's going on? You beat me, and I am responding with humility and admiration.
What does it look like? You let me win so you could show me how emotionally mature you are, didn't you? Well, I couldn't wait for you to actually beat me; that would take forever.
I'm sorry.
It's I'm trying to show you that I can change.
I-I don't want you to miss out on things because of me.
I know you don't.
You know, and maybe somewhere out there, there is a little girl who will see you on Wil's show and realize that she, too, can grow up to be a brilliant, amazing, successful scientist.
Thank you.
Who is really terrible at chess.
Got it.
No, no, no.
I mean really bad.
What was your queen doing over there, going shopping? I mean, I-I didn't intend to write about Penny, but I guess maybe subconsciously I did.
I believe you mean "unconsciously," dear.
Yeah, sure.
You know, it would be nice if you didn't correct me all the time.
It would be nice if I didn't have to.
Maybe this book of yours is a bad idea.
What do you mean? Well, you're a physicist.
What makes you think you can write a book? You're a physicist.
What makes you think you can solve a crime? Got to go.
I think you mean "have" Oh, Penny, good news.
It's not you.
What? Ilsa.
It's not you.
It's my mother.
I've been writing about my mother! I think you're neglecting your own motive, a massive inferiority complex.
It's not massive.
It's just average-sized.
We got to find some bandages.
There's no time.
Does it hurt? Everything you do hurts.
Then why do you keep coming back for more? Maybe you like it.
I-- M-Maybe I do.
WHEATON: Well, that is our show for today.
And I want to say a very special thank you to Dr.
Amy Fowler for being here.
It was a real pleasure having you.
And you can feel that pleasure because you don't have a lesion in your nucleus accumbens.
I really hope I don't.
All right, we'll see you next time! (Professor Proton theme music plays) Amy.
You were glowing.
(giggles) Oily scalp.
I'm so proud of you.
And I'm proud of you.
Because you can't tell how jealous I am? No, no, no.
I can.
But I can tell how hard you're trying to keep it in.
Really hard.
I'm gonna go to bed.
All right, I'm gonna go scream on the roof.
- Love you.
- Love you.
(Sheldon screaming) A simile directly compares two things, using the words “like” and “as”" “I slept like a log”" “I'm hungry as a horse”" “Your love is like bad medicine.
” Exactly.
That's Bon Jovi.