Family Guy s11e16 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! We now return to Bottom Chef.
Daniel L.
, please pack your fudge and go.
Fine! We interrupt this broadcast with breaking news.
An aide to Mayor Adam West has been found stabbed to death at the mayor's mansion.
That's right, Tom.
Police say the victim was killed by a knife belonging to the mayor, who is considered the prime suspect at this time.
Oh, my God.
Uncle Adam! Uhp, town emergency.
Don't got to finish my green beans.
Peter, you stay there and finish those green beans.
But my stomach's upset on account of the news.
Also found in the mayor's residence was a blackmail note from the victim threatening to expose the mayor in a corruption scandal unless the victim was paid off.
You can put a picture of a note above my shoulder any time now, Tony.
No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade.
That's the Pumpkin Festival.
Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me? You-- I-I don't care.
Oscar De La Hoya does it.
We now go live to Tricia Takanawa, who is outside the mayor's mansion.
Tom, I'm standing outside the mayor's mansion, where, against the wishes of his attorneys, the mayor has agreed to an impromptu press conference.
What do you know about the murder? Did you kill that man? Yes, I'll take a question from the reporter from the Quahog Elementary School Gazette.
Timmy? Are you afraid of the dark? I thought we had an understanding that the dark was off limits.
This press conference is over.
This has been Tricia Takanawa with the news.
And now I will have my normal post-news review from my mom in her car.
You no good! You no good on news! You stiff, like watching board! Joan London mother, so happy.
Tricia Takanawa mother, so sad.
Wow, he really did it.
I always knew Mayor West was a little crazy, but I never thought he was capable of something like this.
The mayor's going to jail.
That means anything goes.
I pushed a lady.
God, I can already hear the jokes Jay Leno's gonna be telling about our mayor.
Oh, yeah, like what? Oh, you know, it's like you can already hear them.
You know? Like what? Like exactly what jokes do you hear? Tell me one of the jokes.
Brian, all I have to do is start fake sneezing around you and you'll spend the rest of your life outside.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I can hear some of the jokes.
Well, I guess you just never know what kind of rage some people have bottled up.
Well, we all got anger, Chris.
The important thing is finding a healthy way to channel it.
For me, as you know, it's the family bath.
Peter, how long do we have to sit here? Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked bunch of bitches! Everyone, please be seated.
We will now hear the defense attorney's closing statement.
I switched seats.
In closing, although it seems pretty clear that my client committed this murder, I would consider it a personal favor to me if you found him not guilty.
That's your closing argument? Whoa, those karate lessons are really paying off.
Thank you, Sensei.
Welcome.
He came.
Jurors, you have now heard all the facts of this case.
I remind you that because we are a small town, many of you may have ties with the defendant or the victim.
You must set aside these personal connections and render an impartial and unanimous verdict.
Does anyone have any questions? Yeah, is Toblerone the fanciest thing in the world? I-I just don't understand.
How could Uncle Adam do this? He's the mayor of our town.
Well, Meg, life isn't always as simple as what they teach you at school.
I don't know, Mom.
I have a pretty realistic home ec class.
Okay, kids.
Now I'm gonna take the casserole out of the oven.
Okay, it's a little burned.
No reason to panic.
Oh, God, that's Daddy.
He's home early.
Let-Let's get some spices in here and fix this.
Okay, he's inside the house.
Let's-let's hope his meeting went well.
God, that meeting went awful! Oh, boy.
What's that smell? Did you burn dinner, you stupid pig? Okay, kids, put your heads down.
Put your heads down.
And don't try to stand between me and your father; it'll just make it worse.
So I's been asked by the judge to be the foreman, and I want y'all to know that we's gonna run a fair jury and a clean jury, so I brought some wet naps for everyone to wipe off their areas.
'Cause one of us gets sick, we's all gonna get sick.
And that may lead to some of us getting sicker than others.
Look, can we get this underway? I mean, we were all in that courtroom.
What-what is there to discuss? It's obvious he did it.
Plus, I got to get back to the station.
If I'm not there by 5:00, Joyce will anchor the news, and I don't think anyone wants that to happen again.
Our top story: Guys, right? Yes, it's open and shut.
Now let's just vote him guilty and get out of here.
Look, I know everyone's in a hurry, but shouldn't we at least go over the evidence once before we vote, just to be fair? You know what would shed some light on th case? If we huck water balloons at people in the street.
They were carrying a trampoline.
Here's the facts: there was a note from the victim, threatening to expose the mayor in a corruption scandal.
The murder weapon was the mayor's own knife.
And finally, that lady with the Peter Gallagher eyebrows on the witness stand saw the whole thing.
Okay, let's get down to business.
All in favor of "guilty," raise your hands.
Guilty.
All "guilty.
" Good, well, that's it, let's get out of here.
Anyone for "not guilty"? What the hell? All right, looks like we's gonna be here a while.
Who wants pizza for dinner? And who wants Purina Moist and Meaty Dog Chow? I had that for breakfast! What do you mean "not guilty"?! What's wrong with you? Oh, shoot, that was a stomachache.
I told that guy he had polio.
Look, the system specifies the defendant must be proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.
Mayor West's life is on the line here.
I'm just saying, it's possible he didn't do it.
That's for the jury to decide.
Mayor West is crazy.
He should've been locked up a long time ago.
Yeah, there's definitely something off about him.
I'm his physician.
Okay, now we'll just test those reflexes.
Hey, did you hear that? There's someone out there.
Hello? We're in here! There are six of us! Look, we all saw that blackmail note.
Mayor West is the only one with a motive.
I don't even know why we're discussing it.
Well, was Mayor West the only one with a motive? I mean, there are people who would benefit if he were put away for murder.
Political rivals, special interests.
I mean, it's possible he could have been framed.
Enough! Was a movie with Jennifer Lopez that did not live up to expectations.
Well, Mayor West did say he never saw the letter.
And he was under oath.
Yeah, he lied.
Of course he lied; he's a politician.
They're all liars.
Yeah! John F.
Kennedy swore he'd serve a full four-year term.
Liar.
Look, we should be sticking to the facts, not stereotypes.
It's unfair to say that all politicians are liars, therefore Mayor West is guilty.
Brian's right.
I was a county alderman once and I never told no fibs.
I bent over backwards and forwards for them constituents.
It's important to make sure everyone is happy, so I took a lot of polls.
Gay stuff.
Yeah, and I served honorably as a U.
N.
interpreter.
Okay, he's mad about something.
He appears to be talking really fast.
He spits whenever he makes the "ch" noise, which, in this language, happens a lot.
I'm expected to entertain him and his wife tonight, so if anyone knows a good restaurant in the area Sushi or tapas, something where they're always bringing stuff to the table so you have something to talk about.
You know? "Hey, what's this? This looks good" War, oh, war, war! That last sentence was about war! Look, an expert confirmed that the blackmail note was signed by the victim.
That points irrefutably to West.
Well, maybe we should take a look at that letter.
Yeah, I'd like to see that.
'Cause I can read it just like everybody else.
And the charade continues.
Bailiff, please.
Yeah? Mr.
Bailiff, we request that you bring us the note from the victim.
Joe, what the hell are you doing out there? You're a cop, not a bailiff.
Eh, I'm undercover.
Someone's been raping all the bailiffs.
So you're just sitting around waiting to be raped? Hey, Bailiff, can I talk to you for a second in this broom closet? Sure, strange man.
I can't wait to hear what this is all about.
Well, there's your motive.
A note from the victim threatening Mayor West.
What more proof do you want? Yeah, are you trying to suggest that Mayor West's enemy faked a corruption letter and then killed himself? That's idiotic! But it just might work.
What? You know, something bothered me about the stationery that note was on, with the-the decorative "M" border.
It's from the office of the mayor.
The "M" is for "mayor.
" What are you getting at? No, no, I'm pretty sure the "M" is for "Marriott.
" How do you know? Because I once got a note from the Marriott written on the same paper.
"Dear Brian.
"You were amazing last night.
Love, Ida.
" This is from the night you had sex with Quagmire's dad.
Ah, come on! I did a dog once, but I was in the Philippines, and I sure as hell didn't write him a letter.
What's-- w-w-what, so what does that prove? The victim had access to all the "Office of the Mayor" stationery he could ever want, yet he hand-made a letterhead on stationery from a Marriott? As far as I'm concerned, that casts doubt.
Look, you guys just say the word and I'll put this ball with cheese in it on the floor.
We won't hear from him for an hour and a half.
Look, if I'm still the only one who says "not guilty," I won't hold things up any longer.
Let's vote again, and I'll abstain.
If it's unanimous, I'll change my vote and we can all go home.
Okay, everyone take one of these here and write their vote.
Hey, Quagmire, y-you gonna write something funny? No, Peter, I'm not.
I'm starting to think all you do is dick around.
Sorry.
Everyone vote? Okay, now let's count.
"Guilty," "guilty.
" Some hurtful slurs followed by the word "guilty.
" "Guilty," "guilty.
" "El guilto.
" "Guilty," "guilty.
" This one's just a squiggly line.
That's, uh, that's "guilty" in Latin.
You're playing a dangerous game, Carl.
"Guilty.
" "Not guilty.
" Ew! I farted during the murmuring.
What monumental douche voted "not guilty" on this no-brainer? I think we know who the flip-flopper is.
Bruce didn't change his vote.
I did.
I respect Brian's courage.
It's not easy to stand alone.
Or find the child who stands alone.
But that's the one you want.
Look, we have been cooped up in this room for five hours now.
I'm starting to feel like an animal in a cage.
Yeah, or a T.
rex trying to masturbate.
All right, Internet porn-- check.
Tissues-- check.
Lotion-- check.
Okay, let's go.
Aw.
And that's why they were such vicious killers.
Oh, he couldn't masturbate because his arms are too short They feared him from Kilpatrick Down to Galway Bay Port Luckily he found a wife so he could have sex The non-masturbatin' Tyrannosaurus rex.
Okay, look, tempers are starting to get a little heated, so why don't we all go take us a little potty break? Now you're all gonna have to witness me taking an old-man pill that looks way too big to swallow.
Oh, there we go.
It's his fault we're still here.
How is it you think you know everything anyway? You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman.
You get out of here! I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow same time.
I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here.
Aw, damn it.
What happened? I dropped my phone in the toilet.
Oh, it's so cold and it's under everything.
I feel like I'm rooting around a pitcher of sangria.
Where is it? Oh, my God, why haven't I found it yet? Oh, no, I didn't roll my sleeve up far enough.
Oh, why didn't I flush when I got in here? Aw, this isn't even all mine! Oh, no, there's a spider crawling on my face.
Aah, why didn't I use the hand that was on the floor?! Why did I use my toilet hand?! Oh, wait, here it is behind the toilet.
This is ridiculous.
Even if you don't believe the note was legitimate, there was an eyewitness who saw the entire thing.
Well, I have questions about her testimony.
She said she was at a party.
Not just any party-- a sex party.
Now, how could a woman at an orgy witness a murder? The bedroom was a hundred feet from the window.
Okay, first of all, the term "orgy" is outdated.
We call them "genital jamborees.
" But still, I don't see how she could look out a window and witness a crime.
Trust me, you're banging eight strangers who responded to a flyer, at some point you're gonna look out a window and question every decision you've ever made.
Look, I'll demonstrate.
You people come here.
Okay, Tom, you're over here on all fours.
Carter, I need your face right here.
Nope, even closer.
You're gonna want to feel the heat coming off him.
Okay, Consuela, I'm gonna need you on your knees.
And we're probably partway into it here, so one of your eyes is stuck shut.
All the way shut-- there are 11 of us, dear.
All right, Tom, you're squinting.
You're anticipating-- don't-don't do that.
Carl, you can take your fist out of your own mouth.
Bruce, great work.
Bruce seems like the only gamer here.
Thanks, it's okay to look the other way when y'all pass me on the street with y'all's wives.
I understand.
And that places the witness right here, next to the lubricating station and the terrible smelling guest book.
Would she be face up? No, she had small breasts but a great ass.
She's definitely face down.
But then, how could she see the window? Oh, my God.
You're right.
She couldn't have.
And now to take my position.
This is what I call the Butter Pat.
Okay, y'all, so we's now at six "guilty," six "not guilty.
" So we's all gonna have to stay here until we's unanimous in our verdict.
Well, so what if that woman at the orgy couldn't see? There's plenty of other evidence that West is guilty.
Yeah, let's wrap this up-- I got the director's cut of Raiders of the Lost Ark waiting for me at home.
Don't look, Marion.
Okay.
By the way, I'm pregnant.
Maybe just one quick peak.
Come on, people, he obviously did it.
You know his type-- they're all guilty.
Well, what type is that? He's one of those plain-lippies.
You know, no mustache like a normal person.
Prancing around with his naked lip out for all the world to see.
Sir, you are talking to a plain-lippy.
Oh, now, don't take it like that.
Some of them are all right.
But you know what I mean-- they're all over the place.
How about me, Tucker-- am I all right? Well, of course you're all right.
Huh, imagine that.
What happened to me? I've become my father.
Not guilty.
That really hurt because it was a real mustache.
Okay, the majority of this room now believes that there is reasonable doubt about Mayor West's guilt.
And what do the rest of you think? Look, I just don't think he could've done it.
Guilty.
Oh, oh, guilty is the other one? Well, I don't know! Okay, it's good we're talking this out.
Now I'd really like to hear from the holdouts because a man's life hangs in the bal Peter, what are you doing? It's getting very tense in here.
Do you guys mind if I struggle to open these blinds? Damn it, come on, stay up there.
You got to yank it to the side, Peter.
I'm yanking it as far as it goes.
You got to catch it on the thing.
Oh, that's helpful.
The left side's getting lower than the right side.
I can see what's happening.
Now twist it.
All right.
See? Now it's open.
Okay, we's at 11 to one.
Carter, you're the only person who still thinks he's guilty.
You're damn right I do-- look at the facts.
There was a dead guy found in Mayor West's home.
There's no one else with any motive.
And the police detective who examined all the evidence named him the prime suspect.
You guys paid attention that whole trial? Lame-- not me.
I was too busy being cool.
The jury is instructed to disregard the witness' last remark.
Yeah, whatever, Judge.
None of this stuff's ever gonna apply to my real life.
I'm just gonna go work in the mines anyway like my dad.
How would you like to stay for an hour after the trial? Oh, I'm real scared.
Is your dad hitting you, Peter? Shut up, just shut up! You have no right, man! You don't know nothing about my side of town! Look, he's guilty, I just know it.
He's a double-dealing spineless politician.
But how do you know he's guilty? Oh, I know.
Mayor West has let people down.
Guys, I feel like all we talk about is Mayor West.
Like who, who has he let down? Someone who got him elected.
Someone who padded his expense account.
And all I wanted was to fire a missile into a fault line to sink half of Quahog into the ocean and make my real estate waterfront.
You got that from Superman.
Nobody likes you.
I even let him marry my daughter Carol, damn it.
I mean, doesn't that mean anything? No, not to West, that ungrateful bastard.
It wasn't that aide that got stabbed in the back, it was me! Not guilty.
Well, I guess that's it.
Yeah, looks like we've reached our verdict.
You know what I just realized? My jury duty's tomorrow.
Ladies and gentlemen of Quahog, I feel vindicated.
Today the truth has prevailed.
And we've witnessed the power of the greatest justice system in all the world.
Yes, Miss Takanawa.
Now that you've been acquitted, what does the future hold for Mayor Adam West? Oh, I don't know.
Into the great wide open Under them skies of blue Out in the great wide open A rebel without a clue.
I'll probably just remain mayor of this great city.
This also is part of my fantasy sequence.
I'll probably just remain mayor of this great city.
And I know this is real because you're not rabbit-people.
Ah, what a day.
You both did your civic duty and you saved Mayor West.
Yeah, I mean, it was a pretty intense experience, but the important thing is, in the end, justice was served.
All you did was let a guy go.
There's still a murderer out there.
Yeah, but we saved an innocent man today.
And that's something to feel good about.
"Feel good about"? They found eight more bodies last night.
One of them was on this block.
There's a maniac out there.
He's cutting people's power off, breaking into their homes, and slitting their throats.
And we're dead.