Frasier s11e17 Episode Script

(thunder crashing) (doorbell ringing) Oh, Niles, thank God you came quickly.
I've been going mad.
This better be a real emergency, Frasier.
You pulled me away from the Gifted Infant'? Toy Expo.
Yes, yes, so you missed out on buying a Tickle Me Tolstoy doll.
Niles, my problem is more important than that.
You see, I've Oh, dear God! Niles, I've committed a crime.
Don't tell me you forgot to send the Opera Board a thank you note for the Christmas brickle.
By God, man, it's a real crime .
Punishable by law! (thunder crashing) By law? Of the United States of America.
(thunder crashing) Heavens, what have you done? I'll tell you.
But before you judge me, Niles, please, remember how much stress I've been under lately .
Of course.
Tell me everything.
Leave nothing out.
All right It was a dark and stormy day You can leave that out.
All right.
It was an average day, marred only by a persistent cough, caused by a barista's over-nutmegging my machiatto.
Go ahead, Babette.
What can I do for you? Well, Dr.
Crane, for about a year now, I've been stealing.
I get these uncontrollable urges to take things.
Such as? (coughs) All kinds of things.
Magazines from stores, a friend's sunglasses.
Things I don't even want.
I see, um (clears throat) Go on.
It's just so unlike me.
I mean, my friends think I'm dull.
They all say, "Babette, you're like an old shoe.
" But stealing is so exciting.
It's really the only time I feel alive.
Well, it sounds to me like you have a classic case of klepto-- (coughing) klepto-- (coughing) Kleptomania.
Hi, Babette.
This is Roz.
And if Dr.
Crane weren't hacking up a hairball, I'm sure he would tell you that this thrill you get from stealing makes up for an emptiness in your life.
That's the problem you really need to address.
So, you should seek counseling or at least find a support group.
Yes, and may I add She's gone and we're out of time.
Oh.
Well, then, this is Dr.
Frasier Crane saying "Good day, Seattle, and good mental health.
" Are you okay? I haven't heard so much coughing since I was backstage at Reggae Sunsplash.
Well (clears throat) I'm fine, Roz.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Your advice was spot on.
It should be.
I've heard you say the same stuff for ten years now.
"Confront your emotions, " "communicate, " "seek counseling.
" I didn't realize my advice had become so predictable.
Well, it's not your fault everyone calls with the same dumb-ass problems.
They're not the same problems.
What about that caller last week-- the sleepwalking transvestite that kept breaking off his heels on sewer grates? I remember him.
You told him to seek counseling.
Yes, I also told him to wear flats.
Oh, oh, did Maintenance remember to bring me that hammer I asked for? Oh, yeah, right here.
What do you need it for? Some imbecile's been parking in my spot despite several strongly worded notes I have left on his windshield.
The time has come for me to take matters into my own hands.
NILES: My God, Frasier, so that's what you did.
In an uncontrollable rage over the commandeering of your parking space, you took hammer to car.
You are a vandal.
It was nothing like that.
My reserved sign was a-dangle.
I used the hammer to tack it back up.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize this spot was reserved.
So all those notes that I left must have blown away.
Hello.
I'm Dr.
Frasier Crane.
Yes.
So you know my show.
It's on your sign.
Willa Haver.
I'm so sorry.
My assigned spot is on the roof, and with the rain Oh, no, no, it's perfectly understandable.
And now that I know that this is your Audi, let me be the first to say, "Audi, neighbor.
" NILES: And that's when she took the hammer and put you out of your misery.
That would have been preferable.
You know, in the spirit of detente, I I could, uh, buy you some coffee.
Oh, well, that is so sweet of you, but I can't right now.
Well, perhaps tomorrow.
Uh, no, tomorrow's no good either.
Next week, perhaps? Next week I'll be out of town.
You know, I'm not sure if we're hav ing a devil of a time coordinating our schedules or if you're giving me a polite brush-off.
(car alarm chirping) Okay.
Now I'm sure.
FRASIER: My morning's travails aside, Niles, you'll be happy to know I didn't strike out with every woman I encountered today.
Frasier Hm? I heard the elevator and I thought, "I bet that's Frasier,"' and it is.
How are you, Mrs.
Magrini? Oh, just grand and how many times do I have to ask you to call me Opal? You make me feel like an old woman.
Opal, then.
Lovely to see you again.
Some weather.
Yes, it's just awful.
It's blowing a gale.
Yes, it's quite a storm.
And colder than a well-digger's wallet.
Yes, that's quite apt.
I wonder if I could ask a favor.
I know you're probably as busyas an ant farm, but do you think you could change a light bulb for me? The last time I tried, I fell off the ladder and I lay on my back like Like a helpless turtle? No, like a half hour, till the ambulance came.
Well, um, let me just get out of these wet shoes and I'll be right over.
Oh, great.
I'll make some tea and cookies.
We always have such lively conversations.
Yes, we're reviving a lost art.
Hey, Fras.
Some weather, huh? Yes, it's raining.
I've just gone over that with Mrs.
Magrini.
Hey, come look at these pictures from our engagement party.
Yeah, that camera you gave me is terrific.
What, is that the camera I gave you ten years ago? I can't believe you've never used it before.
Shows you what you know.
Turns out half the shots on this roll were taken the night you gave it to me.
Niles, come and look at these old pictures.
NILES: Yes, and then we all looked at the pictures.
I remember it as if it were four hours ago.
I am coming to my point.
Martin, look at you-- sitting in your chair, all sour and grumpy.
You must be drunk in this picture, Niles.
You got your arm around a floor lamp.
Oh, no, that's Mar is in her Easter hat.
Why are you all hunched over in this one? You were looking at my bum, weren't you? Oh, heavens, no It's all right, Niles.
We're married now.
All right, yes.
I might once, in a moment of weakness, have permitted myself a fleeting glance.
Or twice.
Many, many times.
It's all about the rear with you, isn't it? Darling, let's not Seriously, what color are my eyes? You're looking at it again, aren't you? No, I Boy, you look at these pictures .
and you really see how far we've all come Oh, I'll say.
You were such an old sourpuss, and you were the Crypt Keeper.
And you, well God, you haven'? changed a bit.
You're even wearing the same jacket that you wore in this picture.
It's hardly the same.
I've had it relined.
I don't mind telling you , Niles, what happened next was particularly galling.
I remember exactly what happened, and I haven't got a clue what you're talking about.
Our lives are so complete.
We really are lucky.
FRASIER: Oh, please.
That's not how it happened at all.
Our lives are so complete.
We really are lucky.
Well, come on, Niles.
We should be heading off to the baby show.
If we're lucky, we might get a lead on a nanny.
Oh, well, there are ads in the back of that Seattle Weekly.
RONEE: Just make sure you look in the right section.
If she says that she's got her own toys and is willing to spank, she may not be a nanny.
NILES: Don't tell me in your desperation over being the only Crane man not to find love, you picked up that paper and did the unthinkable.
Tawny LaRue, I presume.
FRASIER: I did no such thing, you nit.
And I am telling this story.
Very slowly.
I'm beginning to think you didn't do anything.
All right, I'm getting to it.
As you recall, I promised to change my neighbor's light bulb.
Oh! Here we are.
I was just admiring your bust.
Thank you.
Might look nice a little higher.
It might look nice a lot higher, but heck, I'm 83.
Anyway, I can' t thank you enough for coming to my rescue.
Yes, it's lucky you ran into m in the hall.
Oh, I knew that would be you coming out of the elevator.
If there's one thing I can count on, it's old Frasier's routine, unchanging as Granddad's whiskers.
There's old Frasier off to work.
There's old Frasier coming home.
There's old Frasier off to work.
There's old Frasier Yes, old Frasier gets the idea.
That's why I gave you my spare key.
I knew if there was ever an emergency, I could count on you.
Oh we should have our tea.
My date's picking me u p in 20 minutes.
How marvelous.
You're still dating.
Well, I think an active social life keeps you young.
So, what are you doing this evening? I thought I'd stay in with a good book.
Ah, isn't that nice? How you're so cozy in your routine.
You're like an old shoe, Frasier.
That's when I snapped.
You didn't.
You bludgeoned her horribly with that bust! No, you insane twit! You're like an old shoe, Frasier.
Now, come have some tea.
FRASIER: I suddenly flashed on my caller Babette.
Before I knew what I was doing, I impulsively pocketed something that belonged to her.
I stole, Niles.
Like some craven thief.
.
And I've never felt more alive (thunder crashing) You can't imagine the thrill I felt as I sat there sipping her inferior tea and eating her excellent cookies, all the while fingering the stolen object in my pocket.
And then, how coolly I walked out, scot-free, the old bird none the wiser.
What's in there? Some sort of decorative medallion.
Well, it's pretty clear what happened.
The depressing series of events today Ied you to conclude that you're in a rut.
Your spontaneous transgression generated the excitement that you so desperately wanted.
Any Caribbean-trained psych student could tell me that.
Well, if you didn't want my diagnosis, why did you call me here? I am plagued by guilt.
I have to return this box before it's discovered missing.
Why did you call me here? I need your help, Niles.
I have her key.
I know she's out.
We can put this back and be done with it.
But I don't want to.
I have excitement in my life.
Please! I can't trust myself to be alone.
I am caught in the grip of this mania.
Who knows what I might steal next? You took a little box.
I hardly think you're gonna run off on a crime spree.
Oh, really? Thief! That's right.
I took it, and I liked it.
Please.
Please, Niles.
I don't want to get involved.
Fine! I'll do it myself.
Here, hold this for me.
What for? Now your prints are on it, too.
You have to help me.
(grunts) Admit it, Niles.
It's intoxicating, isn't it? Can't you feel a tingle running down your spine? In a minute it's going to be running down my inseam.
Hurry up.
I've become a danger junkie.
A cunning cat burglar with nerves of steel.
(rattling) (shrieks) Hide.
Hide! Here, here.
Take this box.
No, no, you've got a pocket.
Put it All right, everybody.
Put down your gifts.
Give me your coats and I'll put them in the bedroom.
(phone rings) Hello? Thank you.
Okay, that was the doorman.
Aunt Opal is on her way up.
Everyone find a place to hide.
All right, quiet, everybody.
I hear them.
ALL: Surprise! OPAL: Oh, my goodness! Oh, you! Oh! Frasier? Who are you? I'm Dr.
Frasier Crane, the next-door neighbor, and this is my brother Niles.
We just want to say Happy birthday, Opal.
Thank you.
Did someone invite you? Uh, well, news of this birthday has been just buzzing through the building.
We wouldn't miss an opportunity to honor this wonderful lady.
But how'd you get in here? We slipped in as the door was closing.
I could swear Stop grilling them, please, Roland.
He thinks he has to grill everyone .
just because he's a district attorney Now, what would you like to drink? Champagne.
Well, we really can't stay.
Oh, you can stay a few minutes.
You don't want to hurt my feelings.
Let me take your coat.
Oh, my coat, no, I'd really rather you Uh Okay.
Oh, my God.
What? What?! You're Dr.
Frasier Crane.
Here, take this, Roland.
I love your show.
be Oh It's going to so exciting to have a celebrity here when we take Aunt Opal'? picture with her medal.
Medal? She won the bronze at the 1 936 Berlin Olympics.
So what's it like being a huge radio star? Frasier Yes, yes, in a minute, Niles.
Actually, I don't really think of myself as a star, so much as a healer.
The important thing is to listen.
Frasier.
Not now, Niles.
Frasier, they're going to take her picture with her medal.
Yes, I heard that.
Oh, dear.
Uh, excuse me just a moment.
You've got to get that medal out of your coat.
Why don't you get it? I'm a celebrity.
They're watching my every move.
Go on.
Aunt Opal, tell Dr.
Crane the story about how you refused to shake Hitler's hand when he gave you that medal.
It looked sweaty, that's all.
Who are you? It's just a dream.
Then why aren't you Harry Truman? Where's my cake? I'm ready for the cake.
No, not until we take the family picture, Mother.
I got it.
Then let's take the darned picture.
Roland, get my medal down.
Where is it? Same place it always is, unless it's grown legs like a tadpole and hopped away.
We have got to get that medal up there.
We? You're right.
Bad plan.
You've got to get it up there.
All right, top shelf, right of the sconce.
You know, before we take the picture, I have a little story I'd like to tell that just may rival that Hitler tale.
(laughing) The place was right here.
The time was this afternoon.
Opal had just set out a lovely service of tea and a plate of sweets.
I remember there were three cookies sitting on the plate and I reached for the left one.
Not the center one, the left one, and Just at the same moment, Opal reached for the very same cookie.
Oh, what did you say, Opal? It was priceless.
" .
I said, 'you take it Right off the top of her head.
What are you doing? I can tell from the panic in my brother's voice that he, he must have seen a spider.
You see, he has a, a crippling fear of spiders and it sent him up the ladder.
Yes.
I hate spiders.
I don't see a spider.
Come back down.
No! Why not? Because he also has a crippling fear of heights and this may be just the breakthrough we've been looking for.
Higher, Niles.
Conquer your fear.
Please, everyone, I'm going to have to ask you to turn around, as his fear of crowds has set in.
Crowds, too? Yes.
You are looking at that rarest of beasts-- the arachno-acro-agoraphobe.
Please, avert your eyes.
.
Oh.
Oh This is the most difficult part of the process.
I am using a technique known as behavioral exposure therapy.
Climb higher, Niles.
Ever higher.
Conquer your fear.
Wow.
Frasier Crane in action.
No, please.
No peeking.
You don't want to cause a setback.
Everybody freeze! This is the moment of truth.
I haven't done this since my days in med school.
Hurrah! He's done it! He's conquered all three! What are you doing? Well, you as an athlete should know the the time-honored tradition of hoisting the victor on one's shoulders.
They never did that to me.
Well, you finished third, didn't you? Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to journal all this while it's still fresh.
Good night, everyone.
Oh.
Good Lord, I should have dipped.
go.
Yes, there we Ooh! So sorry.
Oh, hey, Dad.
I didn't know you guys were here.
Where's Ronee? Oh, she's in bed waiting for me.
Hey, know what? She can't see a thing without her contacts.
Why don't we play a little joke on her? You tiptoe in No, Dad, I'll pass.
Still looking at those old pictures, huh? Yeah.
It's funny, isn't it? What? How suddenly your whole life can change.
p I never would have dreamed back then that I'd end u getting married again, at my age, and to someone so young and full of pep.
I'm very happy for you and Ronee.
That's the way it is.
Just when you think that you're in a rut and nothing exciting will ever happen to you again Pow.
That's when it does.
Maybe you're right.
I know I'm right.
Good night, Fras.
Good night, Dad.
You know, you could put on my robe and a little bit of my Aqua Velva.
Good night, Dad.