Married with Children s11e17 Episode Script

Everybody limbo.
How low can you go? I made it.
I didn't.
Lower the bar, boys.
I'm playing to lose.
Stop the music.
I have good news, No Ma'amers.
This Tuesday will be amateur night at the Jiggly Room.
- Cool.
- Kind of like open pole night.
A Hooter coming-out party.
Hey, lqbal, that's just one of your schemes to make money.
Remember he tried to make us pay a cover charge? Then an "uncover" charge? Too bad you're such Negative Neds.
I was just going to ask if you'd judge the contest.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
You know, lqbal, for a guy with an 18-drink minimum you're all right.
Raise the bimbo, it's time to limbo! Forget it, Bud.
There is no way that I am going to be the "before" girl for a diet ad.
Kelly, you'll look great in the "after" shots.
What's the big deal? The big deal is that I have to gain I mean, that's like a pound a day.
It's not possible.
Yes, it is, Kelly.
Grandma Wanker gains that much every time we go to Sizzler.
Well, if the camera adds 10 pounds why can't they just use three cameras? Kelly, listen.
Lots of famous actors gain weight for their parts.
Robert De Niro, Tom Hanks.
And you know Free Willy? He used to be Flipper.
Really? He sure let himself go.
Hi.
Oh, pork rinds.
These will put your father in a romantic mood.
Come on, Kelly, let's get out of here.
I don't want you to lose your appetite.
Hi, Peggy.
Here are the CDs you wanted.
I recommend Kenny G.
It really hits the spot, if you know what I mean.
Well, that's good, because Al never does.
Well, Al.
Who knew you could look almost human? There's a lot of things you don't know, Marcy.
Like how to satisfy a man without leaving the room.
Oh, Al, I can't believe you got all dressed up.
Well, sure, Peg.
I'm going to be a judge at the Jiggly Room.
Future Hooters of America are in my hands.
Well, I thought we agreed to have a romantic evening.
Well, sure we did, Peg.
But I don't remember the word "together" mentioned.
Al, I want to have sex.
That's what I'm talking about.
Sex.
But, Peg, in the state of Illinois, that's illegal.
No, it's not.
We're married.
But you still need two consenting adults.
I'm going to make a great judge.
Peggy, I can't believe you let Al treat you this way.
And where's Jefferson tonight? Well, he's judging too.
But I had him meet me in chambers first.
Oh, gosh.
I just feel so lonely.
It's been so long since someone touched me.
Poor Peggy.
I'm so sorry.
You know, Marcy, that boyish cut really becomes you.
Well, Peggy, there must be something you can do.
With Al.
Oh, he doesn't care about me.
All he cares about are those stupid strippers down at the Jiggly Room.
That's because they're anonymous objects.
Men like mystery.
They like fantasy.
They like hiney-shaking hussies with more plastic in them than a Coca-Cola bottling plant.
- Wives just can't compete.
- I know.
Husbands like to see us as maids and dishwashers and What do you call those people who cook? - Cooks? - Yeah, them.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get out of these frumpy clothes go down to that Jiggly Room and prove to Al that I am just as trampy as any of those strippers.
Even trampier.
But wait.
Won't Al recognise you? I'll wear a veil.
Imagine, me as a stripper.
Well, I guess my guidance counsellor was right after all.
Gentlemen, minors, lady golfers welcome to Hooter Search '97.
I'm your host, lqbal.
And now a man whose selfless devotion to nudity is an inspiration to us all.
Al Bundy.
Thank you.
Tonight's contestants will be judged by two categories: The left one and the right one.
And in the event of a tie, the winner will be decided by peanut butter wrestling.
Oh, there will be a tie and Griff's got the Jif.
The votes will be tabulated by lke and Bob Rooney from the accounting firm lke and Bob Rooney.
Please take your hands out of your pants for Chesty LaRue.
Don't worry, men, I haven't lost a step.
I'm as sexy as I was when I entertained the troops.
Union or Confederate? Oh, Lord, I think I'm blind.
Well, you're one of the lucky ones.
I used to do this number for FDR.
He invented the lap dance, you know.
Oh, the humanity.
Who would have ever thought of putting taps there? I think we have a winner.
Chesty.
Wait just a curry-picking minute.
We have a late entry.
The Belle of Beirut, Jasmine.
Where have you been all my life? She is one gorgeous stripper.
She's not a stripper.
She's an angel who slid down from heaven on a brass pole.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.
I'm not ashamed to admit that it's my personal favourite.
Jasmine.
I want to show you something.
And I want to see it.
But I need to get home to my wife.
Damn.
You only gained four pounds.
All right.
Hurry up and finish this.
I'll get the pork chops out of the Fry Daddy.
- Come on.
- Come on, Bud.
I have been eating non-stop for three hours.
I'm stuffed.
Kelly, if you wanna be an artist, you have to suffer for your craft.
Which reminds me.
It's cheese time.
- No, it's not cheese time.
No, it's not.
- It's cheese time.
- Eat.
- Hi, kids.
Bye, kids.
Okay.
Now that we're done with the cheese course let's have some dessert.
- Oh, okay.
Oh, my God.
This is the worst vanilla ice cream I've ever had.
That's not ice cream.
It's Crisco.
No, Kelly.
Don't run.
You're burning calories.
Hi, Bud.
Bye, Bud.
Oh, hi, Al.
No talking.
Turned on.
Need you.
Now.
That was the best night since ever.
There's plenty more where that came from, babe.
Peg.
- Oh, Peggy, I am so proud of you.
- You should be.
I raked in $240 in tips last night.
Not to mention a watch.
Someone put a watch down your G-string? That's appalling.
Actually, it's a Timex.
Anyway, I meant you have struck a blow for wives everywhere.
Now, tell me.
What did Al say when you showed him you were Jasmine? Actually, I didn't.
- What? - Well, I was going to.
But then he just jumped on me like a human Weenie Tot.
It was so romantic.
Peggy, now you're not any better than those cheap strippers.
Well, yes, I am.
I won that contest.
No.
I mean you have set the women's movement back 50 years.
Who cares? Last night this woman's movement was fantastic.
Peggy, last night Al was not making love with you.
In his head, he was making love with some slut.
That's what he always does.
But, you see, this time the slut was me.
And that makes me feel very good about myself.
So now you're going to be a stripper? Actually, we call it exotic dancing.
It's an art form.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
I have to go upstairs and die my boobs for Easter.
Peg.
Turned on again.
Need you.
Now.
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
Daddy's home from the nudie bar Oh, hi, Al.
Peg, where have you been? Well, I was just over at Marcy's, borrowing a raincoat.
- No talking now, Peg.
Clothes off.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Don't you want to brush your teeth first? Before sex? Just for me.
Oh, all right, Peg.
Hey, Peg? I can't find my toothbrush.
Well, just gargle.
All right.
Peg, that blue stuff tastes awful.
Honey, the red stuff is gargle.
The blue stuff is Tidy Bowl.
Oh, no.
My veil.
Oh, no.
Jasmine's veil.
It must have dropped out of my pock et.
I better distract him.
I better distract her.
- I know.
I'll turn the lights off.
- I know.
I'll turn the lights off.
- Good idea.
- Good idea.
Oh, Al.
Oh, Peg.
Oh, Al.
Oh, Jasmine.
What? Oh, God.
I called her Jasmine.
She's going to kill me.
I better do that thing she lik es.
He called me Jasmine.
I'm gonna kill him.
He's doing that thing I lik e.
You mean Al actually called out Jasmine's name in bed? Can you believe it? This is really not turning out the way I'd hoped it would.
Who'd have thought tricking your husband into falling in love with a stripper would be bad for your marriage? You think Al's falling in love with her? Yup.
Better watch out or they might run away together.
Over my dead body.
Oh, my God.
That bitch Jasmine is ruining my marriage.
Peggy, that bitch is you.
Well, I know that.
I've created a monster.
Although, she does make So are you gonna stop stripping? I can't just stop stripping.
If Jasmine just disappears, Al will never get her out of his head.
No, I've got to destroy the mystique of Jasmine.
Plus, one more night of this I can buy this really cute pair of boots.
Bud, I am going to kill you and then I'm going to bury you alive.
Kelly, it's not my fault they fired you.
How was I supposed to know you wouldn't gain weight evenly? Well, if you would have let me stand up it wouldn't have all gone to my butt.
Your butt's not that big.
It is so.
I went to the grocery store, I turned around.
I knocked over the entire Pringles pyramid.
My career is over.
I wish I was dead.
So does that squirrel you sat on at the park.
I didn't see him.
You were fighting him for nuts.
Well, my blood sugar was low.
I almost fainted.
That would be disastrous for those toddlers who tried to hide under you for shade.
They were so mean.
They called me a Weeble.
Kelly, I hate to be critical.
But if you'd cut out the snacking, you might feel better about yourself.
You are so dead.
Come on.
You can't even get up.
Kelly.
Kelly.
Kelly.
Look, there's someone chasing you too.
Oh, that's just your ass.
Cheer up, Kel.
Now, you people are supposed to be jolly.
Help! Help! You know, I think you still got the moves.
Too bad some of them are involuntary.
Hey, cutie.
Once you go grey, you'll never stray.
Al, where did you get all that money? From Peg's dresser.
Suddenly she's got all kinds of spare cash lying around.
Oh, boy.
Oh, yeah.
Here she comes, like a beautiful mirage.
I bet you'd like to take a ride on her magic carpet.
I think Jasmine has a little crush on Aladdin here.
Shut up, both of you.
You're being very immature.
I think I just saw her bellybutton.
You know, Al, you two make a cute couple.
No, no, she's out of my league.
The worst part is she probably lives with some loser who doesn't appreciate her.
I'll tell you.
If I had a woman like that, I would never leave home.
- You're moving now.
- Go, baby.
Go, baby.
You know, you're much prettier than the cartoon Jasmine.
Don't look.
You'll see it all very soon.
Can you see it all, boys? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
I don't want to tell you that I don't enjoy that a lot but I think you ought to know that I'm a married man.
Well, I don't care.
Neither do I.
You know, Jasmine, I'd like to tell you that I want you to tie up the rest of my body and all but I really gotta go see my wife now.
What do you want to see me about, Al? What did you do with Jasmine? - I didn't do anything with her.
- You killed her, didn't you, Peg? Because you couldn't stand to see me happy.
I am Jasmine, you idiot.
You can't be Jasmine.
Jasmine's a beautiful, alluring woman.
While you're You're just a wife.
That's right, Al.
And now your wife and your fantasy are one and the same.
So now every time you have sex, you'll think about me.
No! Hey, Al.
- You want to fool around? - Oh, all right, Peg.
Could you get the veil? Oh, sure, honey.