Married with Children s11e18 Episode Script

You know, Al I think I wanna get a TV in the bedroom.
Good idea, Peg.
Then we'll instal a fridge in the nightstand and you won't need legs at all.
You know, if body parts fell off because of lack of use you'd be a Ken doll.
Kelly What? I don't know what you're so upset about.
It was a perfectly good role.
Oh, yeah.
The kind you can really sink your teeth into.
You gotta be willing to pay your dues.
I am, but I can't be a cheese hostess forever, Bud.
Of course you can't.
You have an expiration date.
Look at me.
My career's a joke.
Come on, help me out of this thing.
- All right, pumpkin, we'll help you.
- Oh, it's okay, we love you.
We'd like you more with crackers.
You know, Bud, next time she gets a job like this maybe it could be as a bonbon girl.
There won't be a next time because another agent has called me from the Almost Artists Agency.
That would be a big mistake, Kel.
They'll treat you like a piece of meat.
Hear that, Peg? We're gonna get meat.
Fine.
Then you have one week to get me a decent job.
And that means nothing edible.
Kel, what's the big deal? I mean, you've been playing a vegetable all your life.
Oh, now, young lady, young lady.
We're not finished with you yet.
- Yeah, honey.
- Would you two stop? Now, go stand someplace cold.
I may want a sandwich after a while.
Al, you been working out? Al, I'm lonely.
Wait a minute, Peg.
Wait a minute.
Get up! Wake up, wake up, wake up! .
- I just got a big part on a TV show.
- Oh, hey Honey, that's great, but it's midnight, you know and your father and I want our privacy.
Hey, now, wait a minute, Peg.
The kids are trying to share.
You can't just phone that parent stuff in.
Listen, Kelly's filling in for the Princess of Puppet Land on Uncle Dudley's Playpen.
- Hey Oh, Kelly, that was your favourite show.
You know, when you were little, I used to put you in front of that TV and Uncle Dudley would entertain you when I went out shopping or to the movies, or went away for the weekend.
He was my favourite babysitter.
He never told when I used to put worms in Bud's ears.
What? My pumpkin is becoming a princess.
Gee, if I could only trade my cow for some magic beans.
Al, the last thing you need are beans.
- Come on, Bud, let's go.
- What? So listen.
If Kelly's gonna be on Uncle Dudley's Playpen I definitely need a TV in the bedroom.
But, Peg, that show comes on at 10 a.
m.
Can't you drag your butt to the living room before that? - I know it's a tough commute, Peg.
- AI.
You're gonna start nagging about this, aren't you? - I do not nag! - All right, Peg, all right.
You can have a TV in the bedroom.
I mean, that thing I can mute.
But I'm gonna want something myself, Peg.
Sure, tiger.
Surprise me.
Okay, everybody, we're back in five four, three, two, one.
Okay, kids.
Ready for our Manners Minute.
Excuse me.
What for, Fredrick? For that? You know, that little Fredrick is almost as talented as Uncle Dudley.
Yeah, yeah.
He's good enough to go out on his own.
Oh, yeah.
And we'll be right back.
Come on.
I'll introduce you to Uncle Dudley.
Kelly? Please, please don't embarrass me.
Bud, I know how to behave on a set.
- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, my God! I can't believe it's really you! You look just like yourself, only older.
I've been watching you for years.
I love you so much.
And we're back in five, four Welcome back, kids.
Now, we all remember that Princess Babs is away having elective surgery.
So let's give a great, big happy hello to substitute, Princess Kelly.
Hi, goys and birls.
That's a good one, Krincess Pelly.
Thanks, Duncle Udley.
That's the joke, don't wear it out.
Today's Puppet Land story is " Curious George Converts to Judaism.
" "Curious George was crossing Delancey when the wind blew off his yarmulke into the gutter.
" Did it land next to Uncle Dudley's career? Shut up, you dummy.
Make me, tubbo.
Why, you rotten piece of driftwood.
Oh, you talentless burnout.
Kids.
Kids.
Kids? Now, Uncle Dudley and Fredrick, they're really best friends and sometimes friends say things to each other that they don't mean and they lose their heads.
No, no.
I'm fine, kids.
Just a scratch.
Where's Uncle Dudley? Well, he's gone to rest in the Sleepytime Kingdom.
It's a big castle with soft walls and magic potions that are gonna make him feel all better, okay? So say goodbye, Fredrick.
Goodbye, Fredrick.
Clear.
Kelly, you were brilliant.
- I was? - Yeah, she was? I mean, she was.
That's why Kelly Bundy should host the show until Uncle Dudley recovers.
- Great idea.
You're hired.
- I am? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Bud, I'm a star! - You're a star.
You're a star.
- I'm a star.
I'm a star! Good night, pookie.
Al, I don't like these twin beds.
It's unnatural.
Anything involving you and a bed is unnatural, Peg.
Just put on your snore strap and go to sleep.
Al Bundy, you're gonna pay for this.
Peg, we made a deal.
You have your TV, which will help you get to sleep and I don't have you, which will help me get to sleep.
Nighty-night.
Peg, wake up.
Peg, wake This ought to jump-start her.
Attention, home shoppers.
Call now for this fabulous Fabio shower massager.
You know, Al this kind of reminds me of how we were in high school and you used to sneak into my room late at night.
I never snuck in your room in high school.
I think Kelly's show is on.
Oh, Bobby Beaver.
Won't you ever learn? Oh, you know, she is really good with kids.
- She got that from me, you know.
- Oh, yeah, right, Peg.
After this commercial, she's gonna feed them diet pills for breakfast.
You know, those diet pills saved us a fortune in school lunches.
Kids, did you know that Princess Kelly has a little brother? Well, he's here with us today.
Boys and girls, I'd like you to meet Budrick.
Hi, kids, I'm Budrick.
Isn't that sweet of Kelly? She has Bud on the show.
Seems a little stiff though, huh, Peg? Well, you know, Kelly is the talented one.
Budrick is the saddest little boy in Puppet Land.
None of the girl puppets will play with him so he has to play with himself.
So remember, kids, don't be a Budrick, be a Goodrick.
Clear.
Kelly, don't you think you should've cleared the Budrick puppet with me first? - Bud, I am the star of the show.
I don't have to clear anything with anybody.
Kelly, why did you cut my giant cupcake sketch? I don't know, I thought it was kind of childish.
I am a child.
Do you believe that? That beaver is such a diva.
Kelly, you can't just go cutting out the other characters.
You're gonna ruin the show.
You saved the show.
The ratings are holding steady ages two to 11 and they're through the roof with men 18 to 99.
Whatever you want, you got it.
Did you hear that, Bud? Anything I want.
Oh, which reminds me.
I was kind of thinking about changing the title of the show.
How about Princess Kelly's Castle? Where the drawbridge never closes.
Watch it, Bud.
I don't need to take that from my assistant.
I'm your agent.
If you need a new agent, I can make some calls.
Find out who represents the 101 Dalmatians.
I mean, they're everywhere.
It's the same old story, huh? I make you a star, and suddenly you start treating me like dirt.
That's not true.
I've always treated you like dirt.
You won't get away with it.
We have a contract.
You can't prove that's my "X.
" - Security.
- What? Wait a second.
Hey, now.
Hey Excuse me.
Who put Captain Bananas in a pink tutu? Think, people.
He's a male.
He needs a blue tutu.
What, am I working alone here? Come on, let's go.
You shouldn't have slept on top of me, Peg.
My spine is cracking like a plumber's ass.
Don't be silly, Al.
You don't have a spine.
Your daughter is a rotten, ungrateful witch.
No, that's your mother, Bud.
Your sister is a princess, and don't you forget it.
She fired me.
Honey, that's because Kelly is a star now and you don't represent stars.
You represent cheese.
Dad, Kelly humiliated me on the air with that puppet.
Yes, I know.
And that was wrong, son, but it's only a puppet.
The whole thing is probably forgotten by now.
Yeah.
They were selling these on the way home.
Is that an extra large? All right, son.
So you tried your best and you failed miserably.
You're a Bundy.
But I fully expect you to kick this curse.
I have faith in you.
You're right, Dad.
I'm not gonna end up some middle-aged shoe salesman making minimum wage.
- Okay, Bud.
Slaving away 20 years, never getting a promotion.
All right, Bud.
No respect, no raises, no reason to live, no hair.
- This father-son talk is over.
- Yeah, it's a good talk, Dad.
I'm gonna go out, and I'm gonna sign the biggest star I can find.
Good luck, Budrick.
What do you wanna represent me for? I'm a failure.
A failure? Aren't you the same guy who taught every kid in Chicago how to make a hat out of a milk carton? You saw that? Why, sure.
I mean, we didn't have milk so I used a cigarette carton but it was still fun.
No, no, no.
No, I can't go back.
I frightened all the children, and they can never forgive me.
That's not true.
As Freddy Frog always says, "Frog-give and frog-get.
" - How's Freddy doing, anyway? - Princess Kelly fired him.
Oh, my God.
How will he support Frieda and the tadpoles? You see? You have to go back and save Puppet Land.
You're right.
But what about that nice Princess Kelly? She's about to get a royal flush.
You know, Al when I said I wanted you on top of me, this is not what I had in mind.
You're never satisfied, are you, Peg? Oh, yeah, I'm satisfied sometimes.
You're just never around to see it.
You know, Peg, these bunk beds are comfy.
That's nice, honey.
Let me rock you to sleep.
You know, you were right, Al.
Bunk beds are fun.
What are you, a fool? Well, yeah.
I said I wanted only purple M&M's.
Purple, royal.
But they don't make purple M&M's, Kelly.
- Kelly? - Your Highness.
You know, Uncle Dudley was always nice to the fools.
I am nice.
If I was a prince, I'd be a perfectionist but because I'm a princess, I'm a bitch.
We're back in five, four, three Welcome back to Princess Kelly's Castle.
Oh, look, I think it's time for the royal milk and cookies.
Here comes our old friend, Bobby Beaver.
Yummy.
Hi, Princess Kelly.
Fredrick, what are you doing here? I invited him.
Excuse me, Uncle Doodey, but I'm trying to do my show.
That's Uncle Dudley, and it's our show.
But we'd love to share it with you.
Kids, sharing is for losers.
This is my show now.
Hey, what are you doing that for? What are you booing me for? He's the one who just went to the funny farm.
Princess Kelly, that wasn't very nice.
I am too nice, you ************! There was nothing happy about that thought.
Hey, what are you? Why are you taking me away? - He's crazy.
I'm not crazy.
- Come on, Freddy, let's get her.
Stop biting me! See you tomorrow, boys and girls.
And we're out.
Uncle Dudley, thank God you're back.
Starting tomorrow, everything's back the way it was.
Not so fast.
My client is entertaining several offers, and we'll get back to you.
Wait, whatever they're paying, we'll double.
That sounds like a happy thought.
And here's another one: Budrick, you're fired.
Don't go away, we'll be right back.
Is it time for my pain medicine yet? Quiet, Al, I'm trying to watch Uncle Dudley.
Thanks, kids.
It's great being back.
And I owe it all to Bud Bundy, the best agent in Chicago.
I can't believe they picked Uncle Doodey over me.
Well, in Uncle Dudley's defence, they can pay him in cheap gin.
Darn you, Bud.
You ruined my career.
Oh, now, now, young lady.
Bud represents stars.
You're just an expired cheese.
Yeah, someday the girl will get married, the boy will move out.
Peg won't be able to mak e it up the stairs if I loosen a few floorboards.
And I'll have my bed all to myself.
Someday, I'll be that lucky.