Big Bang Theory s11e22 Episode Script

1 What-what are you doing? The light is red so I came to a stop.
You're in a stolen cop car with a dead hooker in the trunk.
You don't have to obey traffic laws.
I know I don't have to.
The fun is choosing to.
Hey.
Missed you guys at the faculty mixer.
Ah, you should have been there; dessert was bananas.
Sorry, that was misleading.
The dessert was pie, but the pie was bananas.
Actually, the pie was cherry, but the taste of the pie was bananas.
Those mixers are such a waste of university money.
If they spent less money on frivolous nonsense and more money on science, we'd all be better off.
You're a theoretical physicist.
What more do you need than an office and a whiteboard? Someday, my new formulas on entropy decrease due to quantum decoherence will need to be tested and that will require funding.
Your theories are pretty abstract.
I wouldn't even know how to design an experiment to prove them.
Says the experimental physicist.
Well, I know a place the university can make some cuts.
Bye, Leonard.
KOOTHRAPPALI: One second, one second.
He's got a point.
In order to corroborate your string theory research, you'd have to create a black hole.
Wouldn't that destroy the Earth? Perhaps, but we'd all go to the grave knowing I was right.
I guess you could create a contained microscopic black hole.
Huh.
Interesting.
Welcome back, Leonard.
Sorry, you're out.
What did I do? Exactly.
The Big Bang Theory 11x22 The Monetary Insufficiency Original Air D Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! Ooh, this one's pretty.
Mm.
My mother wouldn't approve; shows too much clavicle.
She calls it "the bosom's welcome mat.
" I can't wait to get drunk and pick a fight with her at your wedding.
It's just so hard to tell what will look good on me.
No.
This is just to give you ideas.
You know, do-do you want something simple and elegant? I mean, do you want a train? Ooh, we're talking about trains.
Not the kind of trains you like.
Oh, I like all kinds of trains-- steam, diesel, coal, elevated, bullet.
I defy you to name a train that I don't like.
The kind on the back of a wedding dress? I did not see that coming.
Good job.
But while we're on the subject of fashion, I'm asking the university for some funding tomorrow.
What should I wear? Mm.
Well, I've got a push-up bra I can loan you that always gets me free drinks.
How much money are you asking for? $500 million.
Then I'd go no bra.
What do you need that kind of money for? I have figured out an experimental design that may corroborate my latest thinking on string theory.
I just need 2,148 high-power lasers to compress 20 micrograms of gold into a small enough volume to make a microscopic black hole.
Just nod.
Mmm.
Sheldon, they're not gonna give you half a billion dollars.
I mean, they won't even give me that much and I keep promising I can make people's brains "grow younger.
" Can you? (whispers): No.
Shh.
But I need it.
It's the only way to settle the contradictions between gravity and quantum mechanics.
Well, it's too much money, you can't ask for that all at once.
Well, what if I ask for it in six easy installments of $83,333,333.
33? Okay.
What if you asked for $20 million? I'm sorry, I'm trying to do science, not hire Lady Gaga to come to my birthday.
Do you even know who Lady Gaga is? Presumably, the wife of Lord Gaga.
Sheldon, you know, Penny's got a point.
Sometimes when you want something big from someone, you-you got to be careful not to scare them away, you know? You got to start small and-and build up slowly, even if it takes eight years.
Eight long years.
That's oddly specific.
Have you ever done that? Nope.
So with this level of high-power laser array, we would actually be able to solve the black hole information paradox once and for all.
That's impressive, and how much funding were you looking for? $20 million.
Really? You think you can build that for $20 million? Not a chance.
I'm sorry, then why are you asking me for it? Because once you've spent $20 million, you're much more likely to give me an additional 50.
So actually, what you're saying is with $70 million, you can build this.
I can see why you'd think that, but no.
You can't go to the board of trustees and say you gave Sheldon Cooper $70 million and have nothing to show for it.
No.
The only way you'd be able to save face is to double down.
So 140? And then double again.
280? And then-- good news-- not quite double again.
So, uh, what do you say? We have a deal? He said no? No.
That's only a two letter word.
You're gonna have to double down.
Well, I'm sorry, Sheldon, but this sort of thing happens.
Higgs had to wait almost 50 years before they built a collider big enough to prove his theory.
50 years? But I want to play with it now.
KOOTHRAPPALI: You just have to wait for science to catch up or technology to get cheaper.
Think about, uh, DVD players-- they used to cost, like, a thousand dollars, but just the other day I used one to smash a bug.
Yeah, you-you just have to be patient.
But what if while I'm being patient, someone more relentless than me badgers their university into giving them money? If there's someone more relentless than you, I'd like to meet them.
I would not.
I'm not waiting for the university to come around.
I'll find another way to raise the money.
Ooh, if it's one of those booths where we can throw a pie at you, I'm in for, like, 20 bucks.
40 bucks if I can throw a DVD player.
Would you like some champagne? Oh, thank you.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
This is nice.
What? Helping Amy find a dress or day drinking? It's just nice, okay? What do you think? (gasps) Amy, oh, my God.
You look so beautiful.
I feel beautiful.
And look: both clavicles.
Take that, Mom.
You know what they say: if you got 'em, flaunt 'em.
Is it possible that the very first dress is the dress? Oh, don't be silly.
You can't buy the first dress you try on.
That'd be like marrying the first guy that you You can't buy the first dress you try on.
Little finger sandwiches, too.
This place is amazing.
Interesting thing about finger sandwiches: you put enough of them together, you got a sandwich.
AMY: Uh, guys, we have a problem.
- Are you okay? - What's wrong? I look amazing in all of these dresses! Wow.
Look at your waist.
Where you been hiding that thing? (giggles) Bernadette, stop.
Penny, you say something nice now.
Boy, you know, when Sheldon sees you in that dress, he's gonna want to methodically take it off, fold it up, carefully place it in a storage box, label it, and then ravish you.
Should I try on some more? Are you having fun? Am I having fun being beautiful? Of course I am! Great.
Keep going.
AMY: This is it.
This is the one.
Do you love it? Do you? I do.
Wow.
Also, wow.
- Hello, Leonard.
- Hi.
Are you doing anything? No.
I'm just sitting here at my desk typing on my computer for nothing.
That was my guess, but I didn't want to assume.
Can you help me shoot my Kickstarter video? Do you really think people are gonna give you half a billion dollars? Of course not, but if I can raise enough seed money to show that I'm serious, I should be able to attract some major investors.
And look at the cool incentives I'm offering.
"For $50,000, I will examine your diet and create a customized bathroom schedule.
" That's fitting-- 50 grand down the toilet.
Well, how about this? For $100,000, I will design the flag of your house or apartment.
And for $1 million, I will come over and tell you what's wrong with you.
Aw, and all these years, I've been getting that for free.
Don't be smug, Leonard.
That's one of the things that's wrong with you.
Well, that was a successful trip.
Yes.
Amy found a dress that she liked.
She sure did.
She found a dress that looked like like it made her happy.
She-she did look happy.
I mean, her face was just glowing, so Yeah, we should make sure the photographer knows to just really get in there.
Mm.
So we agree it's awful? That dress should be set on fire! Should we say something? No, we can't.
But don't you think she brought us with her 'cause she wants our honest opinion? No one wants that.
I do.
No, ya don't.
I don't want her to look back and think she made some awful mistake.
You mean like your dumb Cookie Monster tattoo? See? Was that fun? Someone's gonna say something.
It should be us now instead of everyone at her wedding.
Okay, but as long as we do it gently.
And together.
Well, what about my dress? Don't you like it? - I don't.
- It's beautiful.
Hey, Stuart, I'd like to sell some comic books.
Oh.
Well, I know all about that.
Step one is flunk out of art school.
Well, why are you selling 'em? The university is refusing to fund my experiment, so I need to raise money and do it on my own.
Ah.
How much do you need? For a start, I'm trying to raise $500,000.
Well, I hope you have that rare Superman printed on the skin of actual Superman.
I know you're making a joke, but I really do have some valuable issues in here.
And this is just the first box of many.
All right, let's see what you got.
Huh.
Is this a complete run of Todd McFarlane's Spawn? (gasps loudly) Yes.
Ooh, look at this.
Giant-Size X-Men number one, Len Wein's relaunch of the franchise.
Yeah.
I know what it is.
I'm the one who bought it, bagged it, boarded it and taped it shut while wearing white cotton gloves.
Okay, well, you know, I'm gonna have to open it to assess its condition.
Just be gentle.
It's never felt the touch of a man before.
You don't seem like you really want to sell these.
Of course I don't want to sell these.
These are all important to me, but not as important as science, and if this is the sacrifice I need to make, then so be it.
Okay.
Uh, why don't you leave these here with me, and I'll-I'll price 'em out for you.
Is it okay if I stand here and watch? Sure.
If anyone asks, tell them I was brave.
Hey, I can't believe you just threw me under the bus.
I know, right? That was crazy.
Well Do you know how that makes me look? - Uh, that's an easy one-- bad.
- Well Why didn't you tell her that you didn't like the dress, either? I mean, what happened to our united front? I'm sorry.
Is this your first day being a girl? Ooh, did your mom pack your lunch? (chuckles) Of course not.
Do you know how much it costs to pack a tuna fish sandwich in dry ice and overnight it from Texas? Well, I do, and my mother says it's too expensive.
I like tuna fish.
Do you want it? I'll sell it to you for $5,000.
How's the fundraising going? Oh, that depends.
Raj, was that a "yes"? No.
It's going badly.
How much have you raised? Well, with my Kickstarter campaign, selling my collectibles, and the money in my bank account, about $65,000.
Wow.
That's a lot.
Yeah, not enough.
It's so frustrating that science should be held hostage to the almighty dollar.
Well, don't give up.
You'll find that money somewhere.
- You really think so? - No, but it's good that he has a hobby.
You ever thought of going to Vegas? Can you be more specific? Las Vegas? Oh, you mean gambling.
Mm.
Oh.
Well, that's not the worst idea.
Um, it is the worst idea, and I'm including the year that Raj wore nothing but tracksuits.
Ordinary people can't beat a casino, but mathematicians and scientists, they do it all the time.
Yeah, a group of students from MIT took Las Vegas for millions, and that's MIT.
Howard went there.
Come on, Sheldon.
I'll give you a ride out to the desert right now.
No one is going to Vegas.
No, we weren't gonna make it to Vegas.
Hi.
Do you have a minute? Depends.
Is what I'm wearing okay, or should I go change first? Look, I'm sorry.
I never should have said I didn't like your dress.
It's your wedding, and all that matters is that you feel beautiful.
Thank you.
So, are are we good? No, we're not good.
You ruined my dress.
Well, why? I just said you should wear it.
Well, I can't wear it now.
I mean, I know you hate it.
That's all I'm gonna be thinking about.
No, I don't hate it.
I asked if you liked it, and you said no.
There is a lot of room between "don't like" and "hate.
" You know, it's-it's where you find rice pudding and jazz.
Anyway, who cares what I think? I do.
You're the-the coolest, prettiest, best-dressed person in my life.
Okay, that would be flattering, except I know all the people in your life.
Look, Amy, I don't know what to say.
I think I got stuck on the fact that it's not a dress I would choose, but it shouldn't be.
You know, it's your dress.
I mean, hey, would you marry Leonard? Ew.
Okay, a simple "no" would have been fine, but you see my point.
That we're different people? Yes, and from now on, I am gonna remember that this wedding is all about you.
I appreciate that.
You're a good maid of honor.
(ringtone plays) It's Bernadette.
Hello? I feel bad about hanging Penny out to dry.
The truth is, I don't like the dress, either.
Are you kidding me? Now Bernadette doesn't like the dress? (whispers): Oh, she is the worst.
Anyone seen Sheldon? Last time I saw Sheldon was this morning.
Careful.
Don't say his name a third time.
You don't think he actually went to Las Vegas, do you? (roulette ball clicking) Five red.
(slot machines chiming) This is it.
- Is everything okay, sir? - Oh.
Hi.
It's better than okay.
I am a physicist, and I have been observing this wheel for hours and running a chi-square analysis, which is how I know that the ball is far more likely to land on 32, 17 or five.
So if you could hold off on replacing this wheel, I'd like to make several large bets.
Well, good for you.
Pelican.
What's pelican? - Sir, would you come with us? - Oh, no.
I have to place my bet first.
This is for science.
- 17 black.
- No! No! Oh, guess who's no longer allowed to set foot in? (gasps) Wow! You look beautiful.
Really? 'Cause I was gonna return it.
Why would you return it? You look like a pile of swans.
I'm so glad you like it because it's gonna be my wedding dress.
I can't wait to marry you.
Why do you smell like smoke? I was in Vegas.
Vegas? I'm sorry.
Las Vegas.