Frasier s11e22 Episode Script

Yeah, I had a great time today, too, Charlotte Oh, nothing really.
I'm having the folks over for dinner.
Just the family and Roz.
Well, I've done it a thousand times before.
Okay, then, I'll, uh, see you tomorrow .
Bye.
For God's sake.
This thing breaks like crockwork.
(laughs) Crockwork.
I'll tell you.
Frasier, once again, you suffer the tragedy of being cleverandalone.
Oh, for God's sake, Dad.
Would you please throw that thing away? Why? What for? When I get through gluing it, it'll be as good as new.
(doorbell ringing) It wasn't any good when it was new.
It's just an ugly, worthless pot.
Oh.
Hello.
Hi.
How was the honeymoon? Oh, Tahiti was absolute paradise, except for poor Niles getting sunburned.
Oh, dear, Niles.
You look like you crawled out of a bisque.
And you look like someone who doesn't want his Paul Gauguin souvenir oven mitt.
Niles, you remembered.
Hey, guys.
Welcome back.
Hello, Martin.
Hey.
You're a bit dressed up for a family dinner.
Oh, well, Roz is dropping by with someone she wanted me to meet.
Ooh, a lady friend? No, we're going to form a jazz trio, Niles.
Of course it's a lady friend, you cherry-faced fool.
So you want us to clear out? No, no, no, you don't have to do t hat.
Actually, if I don't like her, Roz will just take her away.
We've agreed upon a safety word--Enchant ? .
.
If circumstances should dictate, all I have to do is say it and Roz will know that I'm not interested.
(doorbell ringing) Niles, would you mind getting that? That's probably Roz.
I'm just going to get rid of Dad's arts and crafts project here, all right? Hi, Roz.
Hey, you guys are back.
Hey, Martin.
Hi, Roz.
This is my friend Lizbeth.
How are ya? Good, good.
That's all right.
Yes.
This is Daphne and Martin and Hi.
Can I get you a glass of wine? Oh, please.
Frasier has the greatest wine.
Oh, sounds good to me.
Life's too short to drink bad wine, right? Amen to that.
Just a half a glass with club soda.
You know how I love my spritzer.
Frasier.
What? Oh, hi.
Roz, what a pleasant surprise.
This is Lizbeth.
We were just shopping .
in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by How lovely.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Elizabeth.
It's not Elizabeth.
It's Lizbeth.
Ah.
Like "Lisbon.
" Like a what? Enchant?.
Right, and meeting you is justsuper.
Yes, the feeling is mutual.
Enchant?.
Enchant?.
Enchant?.
Oh, and for me, it's just been super.
Super, super.
I took a shot.
Yes.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I guess we can stop shaking hands now.
Oh, well, I'm ready whenever you are.
Well, then just let go.
I did.
You're holding on to me.
Oh, dear.
? .
Dad, what kind of glue were you using on that pot Super.
How could you be so stupid to glue us together? I thought you said he was smart.
Don't panic.
I -I seem to recall that Super Glue can be dissolved with acetone.
You know, nail polish remover.
He's the smart one.
How did you know that? I knew that from, from school.
School lunches! The Kriezel brothers used to glue a cafeteria tray to his tie.
DAPHNE: Well, I suppose we better get some.
Let's go to the drugstore.
Drugstore.
Oh.
I gotta go.
No, they'll be back in ten minutes.
No, no, no, I-I gottago.
I started the new juice diet and I got 64 ounces of cran-raspberry looking for a new home.
.
Oh, for God's sake I'll tell you what.
Just, uh Here.
Just, just come right in here.
There we are.
Yes, uh, all right, just a moment.
Uh Are you there? Almost.
That's close enough! Could you maybe put on some music? Dad, could you put on some music, please? Yeah.
Sure.
What do you want? Pop? Big band? Oh, for God's sakes, just turn the damn thing on! Sorry I'm late.
Mm-hmm.
The Cinco de Mayo traffic wasmuy malo.
Oh, yes, that's right.
They closed some streets for the fireworks display.
Well, happy birthday, Roz.
Yeah, happy birthday.
Whatever.
Used to be I'd go out and get a little wild on my birthday.
Now I go out and get a little dinner.
There's nothing wrong with dinner.
I know, but it used to come with sex.
Come on, Roz.
Sounds like you need a drink.
Oh, that used to come with sex, too.
Sounds like we've got another passenger on the SSAin't Gettin' Any.
(doorbell ringing) Hello.
Hi, Niles.
Wonderful day, marvelous day.
You two look grand.
Where's Daphne? Who shoved a bluebird in you? You know the SS Ain't Gettin' Any?Man overboard.
You and Daphne? Last night, Daphne and I engaged in sweet carnal delights.
Did you say "carnal" or "caramel"? I gotta go wrapt.
Roz's birthday gift Oh! I forgot about Roz's birthday.
You don't have anything I could give her, do you? Well, let's look.
Maybe one of these books.
Just For God's sake, Niles.
I mean How could you forget her birthday? It's the whole reason we're having dinner.
Oh, forgive me.
I've been a little distracted lately.
Especially last night.
And again this morning.
Niles.
Oh Oh, dear God.
If Daphne knew I was speaking so indiscreetly, she'd be mortified.
And just when I thought I'd worn him out, he flips me over like a griddle cake and off we go again.
Niles? .
I couldn't catch me breath It was like a marathon.
I tell you, he spoilt me for any other man.
Frasier's brother Niles? And guess how he woke me up this morning.
Oh, shut up already.
Okay, birthday girl.
Come on over here and open some gifts.
Hello.
Hello, yourself.
All right, you two, let's pay attention.
.
This is Roz's birthday This gift is from Niles.
Happy birthday, Roz.
It's a crock.
With a chipped lid and a dead bee.
Thank you, Niles.
Glad you like it.
Oh, you know, I-I think I left your present in my room.
Niles, will you help me with it? Oh, of course.
We'll be back very quickie.
Quickly.
Quickly.
You don't think they're gonna? Oh, I have no idea.
Try not to think about it.
(fireworks exploding) Wow.
He really is good.
(explosions continue) (firecrackers going off) Dad, I bought you these headphones so that I wouldn't be subject to your sports drivel.
Please put them on.
All right, I will.
But only if you say it.
I want you to wear those headphones.
I don't know why you care.
You're just gonna be out riding on that stupid parade float.
The KACL Fourth of July float is not stupid.
Unless you think it is stupid to commemorate a hardy band of revolutionaries, their minds ablaze Hey, you're right! This does cut out all the drivel.
Oh, hi, Daph.
My God, you look hideous.
Thank you.
I wouldn't normally wear polyester on the hottest day of the year, but some English friends of mine are having an Ugly American party in honor of the Fourth.
(doorbell ringing) (speaking in American accent) : We're going to toss back a couple of cold brewskis, watch the ball game and not use the metric system.
Oh, hello, Niles.
Oh, hello, Uncle Sam.
Didn't you just hand me a flyer for a mattress sale? Uh, listen, Roz is running a little late, so we're just gonna meet her downstairs, all right? Dad! We're off! See you later.
Oh, okay.
Good luck.
Boy, these are great.
Now I can watch TV without bugging anybody.
?? .
.
?? My bacon is Farmer Frank's bacon There's no mistakin' the quality Wait a minute.
Is my bunting adroop? It's supposed .
to drape evenly.
Oh, for God's sake You're not going to send me back to the Space Needle with binoculars and a walkie-talkie again, are you? No, there's no time for that.
We can fix it on the fly.
It'll just take a second.
Niles, you grab that end.
Excuse me.
This shouldn't come off like this, should it? Oh, dear.
Um, here.
Oh, Lord.
Oh, Dad! Hey, Dad.
Dad! Mr.
Crane.
Dad! Dad! Mr.
Crane.
Dad! Dad! Dad! He can't hear us.
We're stuck out here.
What are we going to do? Let's not panic.
Maybe some of our neighbors are on their balconies.
Hello! Hello! Yeah.
Mr.
Winston, are you home? Hello? Hello?! (jets flying by) The Blue Angels! Wow.
What? Locked out! Dad! Dad! Martin! Mr.
Crane! Martin! Dad! Oh (sighs) Roz, how long does a baseball match last? Well, usually three hours.
Oh, dear.
This sucks.
I don't even have my cell phone.
Don't you have you r cell phone, Frasier? Roz, I'm Uncle Sam.
I don't have a cell phone.
I shouldn't even have this zipper.
It's going to be a hundred degrees out here.
I'm roasting in these things.
That's it.
These clothes are coming off.
(phone ringing) That's all right, Niles.
Allow me.
Daphne.
Coming.
(phone ringing) Hello.
Crane residence.
Oh, hello, Mum.
Happy Thanksgiving.
It's the holiday where everyone eats turkey.
No, we're having goose.
Daphne, when you're finished with that, could you please bring us some snacks to soak up this wine? Yes, and a little more wine.
Who knew my sorrows would be such strong swimmers? I can't talk right now, Mum.
Dr.
Crane has guests.
Yeah, he's still out of work.
Of course I'm worried he might let me go.
I worry about it every day.
But I'm coping.
Alice is so cute.
She fell asleep hugging her bottle.
I'm right behind her.
Niles, would you please stop being so morose? It is Thanksgiving.
Oh, you're right.
I should count my blessings.
I'm in the midst of a bitter divorce.
Maris is freezing my assets, forcing me to live in the Shangri-la which is the devil's own apartment complex where last night, they turned off my heat, re-freezing my assets.
We're all going through a bit of a rough patch.
Look at Roz and me.
We're out of a job.
Oh, not me.
I just took a phone temp job in customer service.
I can work from wherever I am.
They just patch the calls through.
Well, now, you see.
There's a positive attitude.
Some people see losing a job as an opportunity.
Oh, thank you, Daphne.
(phone ringing) Hello.
(sexy voice) : Oh, hello.
Yes, this is Monique.
I'm just lying in the tub, soaping myself all over FRASIER: Good heavens, Roz! Is that the sort of customer you're servicing? Hang that up! Call me later, tiger, okay? What? It pays the bills.
And I'm not tied to a desk.
Not unless they ask you to be.
Good news.
The Cowboys just scored.
.
Bad news is, I kind of screamed and wokesomebody's baby up Oh, Daphne, my bath salts man has just delivered a new shipment of my proprietary blend.
Could you please run me a tub tonight? Of course I will, Dr.
Crane.
What would you do without me? A little more? I know things have been tough lately.
But they'll turn around for you.
Just watch.
She's an angel.
You're right, Frasier-- I'm being too morose.
Not taking action.
I'm telling Daphne I love her tonight.
Niles, let's not be rash.
Come on, let's get you some fresh air.
I don't want air.
I want Daphne! (phone ringing) Hello.
Well, thank you.
You've got a nice deep voice, too.
Oh, I don't know Uh, brown pants and a plaid shirt.
Hello? Hello? Is everything all right? he's going to tell Daphne.
He's going to tell Daphne with all of us here? That's gonna be uncomfortable.
I know, but I guess he figures he just can't afford to wait any longer.
All right, Niles Niles, Niles, please.
NILES: Daphne Dr.
Crane, I know what you're going to do.
You do? Not you, Dr.
Crane-- Dr.
Crane.
And you can't fire me because I quit.
What?! After all I've done to save you money.
I'm washing my face with dish soap while you're out buying imported bath salts Iike a big rich girl.
I hope you rot in debtor's prison! She's an angel.
I'll pick you up at 7:00, my angel.
You'd better get used to the name Evelyn Griebel, because you're going to be hearing an awful lot of it around here.
Evelyn Griebel.
Sounds like music, doesn't it? Haven't you only been dating her a week? Well, yes, and you know how loath I am to use the expression, "She may be the one, " but I think in this case it's appropriate.
I finally got Maris calmed down.
I hope you're happy.
All I said was, "Maris, why the long face?" Yes, and now she's on the phone to her chin grinder in Zurich.
(doorbell ringing) I'll get that.
It's probably Roz.
Well? Sorry I'm late, but I had a date.
Yes.
I thought that was last night.
It was a good date.
How's your new girlfriend? I allowed her to climb to the first base camp on Mt.
Crane, and I believe she's feeling the effects of the altitude.
Is one of them nausea? I'm getting that now.
Oh, shut up.
You hungry, Roz? There's cheese here.
Oh, nobody opened it.
Dear God, Dad, that's three years old.
Throw it out.
No, it'll be fine.
You sure you don't want any? " The label says it's "famously spreadable.
Funny, Roz, doesn't your label say the same thing? What does yours say, Niles? "May cause drowsiness"? I'm just having some fun.
'Cause I know I'll be settling down soon.
Yes, well, thank God my dating days are over.
Three years on the Seattle singles scene is quite enough, thank you.
(phone ringing) Hello.
Oh, hi, Evelyn.
She can't go five minutes without talking to me.
Listen, I'm really looking forward to dinner tomorrow.
I see.
Well, if tomorrow's no good I see.
But you said you were having such a lovely time.
I see.
Perhaps I'd better take this in my room.
Oh, what are you smirking at?! What are you staring at? It's 14.
What? You're reading about Jack Russell terriers, right? That's how man y years they live.
(doorbell ringing) Oh, hello, Niles.
There are the merry bachelors in their swinging new pad.
Where's Maris? She's take n to her bed.
This large earring fad has compressed her spine.
Where is your, uh, enchanting new home healthcare worker? I just found out what that second toilet in me loo is for.
Talk about a shock.
Hello there.
Hello.
You're, uh Oh, don't tell me.
I'm good with names.
Uh Miles Crane.
Yes, I am.
.
And, and, you're.
.
Daphne Moon from Manchester, where you developed a liking for Knickerson's Lemon Biscuits.
What a kind man you are, Miles Crane.
FRASIER: Oh, by the way, I've invited Roz Doyle to join us.
She's my producer over at the radio station.
She had no plans this evening.
You know, I think the poor thing has a hard time meeting men.
Anyway Would you care for a scotch, Niles? Yes Actually No, I'm in a sherry mood tonight.
Sherry? What an intriguing idea.
I think I can scare up a bottle of sherry.
(doorbell ringing) DAPHNE: Oh, I'll get it.
FRASIER: Oh, hi, Roz.
Come on in.
I'd like you to meet my dad.
This is Martin Crane and his home healthcare worker Daphne Moon, and, of course, this is my brother-- Niles Crane.
Oh, God, is it Niles? I feel so embarrassed.
Oh, no, please don't be.
Actually, I prefer Miles.
(doorbell ringing) Oh, that'll be my pizza.
Would you get it? What? You are not having pizza.
I made a duck.
What, you're going to tell m e what I can eat now? No, I'm just saying that it's rude to bring your own food to a dinner party.
Hi.
Hello.
Right.
Hey, aren't you that new radio shrink at KACL, Dr.
Frasier Crane, right? Yes, I am.
It's always nice to meet a fan.
Actually, I'm in the radio game myself.
This pizza thing is just paying the bills until a job opens up.
Maybe you could put a good word in for me down The pizza smells good.
Have some.
It's called "The Dirty Dozen.
" and not one of them duck.
This from the gourmet who dumped my Cornish Yarg cheese down the disposal.
It was covered with moId.
It was supposed to be! Well, I said I'd replace it, didn't I? Here it is.
Hope you're happy.
With "pasteurized, processed cheese-flavored snack food.
" Dear God.
Looks like someone melted down a highway cone.
I was just trying to be nice.
You don't need to be a jerk about it.
You're right, Dad.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Would you please join me in the kitchen-- Miles! He is driving me batty.
All right, we are making a deal.
He spends six months here and then he's moving into your house.
Absolutely.
We'll switch off.
MARTIN: Someone bring me a beer? ROZ: Yeah, beer sound good.
I should have just gotten a keg.
I'll tell you something- - this is the last time I try to make a nice dinner for these people.
(doorbell ringing) Oh, hey, Dad.
Hey.
.
Dinner's ready All right.
Hello, you guys.
Come on in.
Dinner is served.
Hello, Martin.