Big Bang Theory s12e01 Episode Script

1 Previously on The Big Bang Theory Can you believe our little lamb is finally getting married? He can't believe it.
And neither can I.
(laughing) Hi, Dad.
How you doing? (voice breaking): Then by the power vested in me by EvenYouCanPerformWeddings.
com I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
(crowd cheering) Good morning, wife.
(chuckles) Good morning, husband.
I can't believe we're actually married.
It's official.
According to tradition, we should hang the bedsheets outside so the villagers can see that we consummated.
I don't think that that's appropriate, considering where we're starting our honeymoon.
Well, I suppose you're right.
Although, when you think about it, Lego is the perfect metaphor for marital congress.
Two pieces that interlock with a satisfying snap.
Oh, that's the sound you were making.
Oh, I almost forgot.
While you were sleeping, I ordered room service.
Really? Voilà! You thought it was going to be food, didn't you? The Big Bang Theory 12x01 The Conjugal Configuration Original Air D Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! Is it nice having Sheldon and Amy away on their honeymoon? Yeah, because now Leonard and I get all this alone time.
But you're not alone.
We're here.
Yes.
(sighs) Yes, you are.
BERNADETTE: Would you like us to leave so you and Leonard can talk about all the things you have in common? LEONARD: Ha, ha, she called your bluff.
KOOTHRAPPALI: So, something pretty cool happened.
Channel 3 asked me to be on the news tomorrow night to talk about the meteor shower.
- Oh, that's great.
- Hey! - Congratulations.
You know, that's how Neil deGrasse Tyson got his start.
He went from the Hayden Planetarium to guesting on the local news to ruining everyone's favorite movies on the Internet.
KOOTHRAPPALI: Now it's happening to me.
Ooh, I should probably make a list of all the scientific inaccuracies in Mamma Mia 2.
You're gonna go on live TV and admit you've seen that movie? Hey, your husband's the one who took me.
Meryl Streep and Cher? Yeah, I saw it.
(loud noise) Sounds like someone's in there.
My God, what if Sheldon and Amy are getting robbed? Or worse, what if they're back early? They're not; they just posted a picture in front of the Statue of Liberty.
- Real or Lego? -Lego.
So, what should we do? Should someone go check it out? I would, but I got to be on TV tomorrow.
Got to protect the money.
Oh, yeah, someone's definitely in there.
Okay, let's go into our apartment.
We'll lock the door, we'll call the pol Hello?! Anyone in there?! - Yes? - Oh, uh, Mr.
Fowler.
Sorry, we didn't know you were here.
We-we actually thought someone was breaking in.
(chuckles) And we were ready to take them down.
Amy asked me to water her plants.
She doesn't have any plants.
Oh.
Well, you caught me in a lie.
Have a good day.
That was weird, right? Was it? I-I honestly can't tell anymore.
Hey, did you even see Mamma Mia 1? Didn't need to.
The sequel stands on its own.
Here you go.
If you need any recommendations while visiting New York, please don't hesitate to contact me.
Well, it is our honeymoon.
So we are going to be quite busy.
Got it.
Harry Potter play, parts one and two.
And tomorrow, a tour of the sites where Nikola Tesla lived, worked and slowly went crazy.
And, of course, coitus.
Ah.
Well, enjoy New York.
And, I guess, coitus.
Really, Sheldon? You want to do it again? Don't act surprised.
It's clearly marked on the schedule.
Now, shall we steam the wrinkles out of our wizard robes, or make vigorous, socially sanctioned love? Either way, I can check something off my to-do list.
Socially sanc-- Oh, wow.
Yeah, there it is right there.
Uh, hurry.
Raj is on next.
All right.
I can't believe they canceled Vampire Diaries but they'll show this.
This is the news.
And that was a woman torn between two hunky vampires.
What is your point? (pounding on door across hall) MRS.
FOWLER: Larry? I know you're in there! Is that Amy's mom? MRS.
FOWLER: Let me in.
(shouting): Let me in! Either that or the Big Bad Wolf.
Larry? Mrs.
Fowler, are you okay? Oh, I'm okay.
It's my husband you should worry about.
Oh, we do.
(knocks) Larry, come on.
I don't think he's in there.
I mean, he came by to water the imaginary plants, but then he left.
You are so naive.
Blondie here is gonna chew you up and spit you out.
Well, don't tell him.
Come on, you have an extra key.
Open it up.
All right, but I'm telling you he's not in there.
There.
See? Oh, he's in here.
I can smell his Axe body spray.
He wears Axe body spray.
You happy? You smell like Amy's dad.
- Larry? - Ooh, come on.
Ah, shouldn't we mind our own business? Wow, sometimes it's like you don't know me at all.
See, he's not here.
You don't know him like I do.
To be fair, we don't know either of you.
Satisfied? Oh, yeah, now I smell him.
Man, that is one hot weather girl.
How come if I say that I get in trouble? You want to say it? You can say it.
Nice try.
You're gonna have to find some other way to not have sex with me tonight.
And it's not weather girl, it's weather woman.
(scoffs) And with us today to talk about the upcoming meteor shower and the best places to view it, Caltech astrophysicist Dr.
Rajesh Koothrappali.
- Thank you for being here.
- Thank you for having me.
I guess Neil deGrasse Tyson was unavailable.
(laughs) Yeah.
What do you mean, "yeah"? Not important.
So, what can we expect to see from this meteor shower? Well, I think you can count on a lot of flaming gas, which is what you would have gotten from your first choice, Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Pull up, Raj, pull up! Sounds like there's no love lost between you and Dr.
Tyson.
Oh, no, I love Neil.
I mean, not as much as Neil loves Neil, but who does, right? (chuckling) I want to look away, but I can't.
Oh, you know, I'm told we are out of time, (chuckles) having learned nothing about meteor showers and too much about Dr.
Koothrappali.
Thank you.
Do you know what I love about Broadway theater? It's so interactive.
Uh-huh.
You're so close to the actors.
It's like you're in the play.
Uh-huh.
I mean, you yell, "Harry, watch out," he looks right at you.
And not just Harry, everyone onstage.
At the risk of sounding redundant, uh-huh.
All right, well, it's a bit late, but I did block out the rest of the evening for conjugal relations.
Should we shower? I mean before, not during.
That's how you fall and break a hip.
You know, I'm a little jet-laggy.
Maybe we can revisit this in the morning.
Oh, no can do.
If we miss tonight, it's not scheduled until Thursday at 6:00.
And that'll have to be "no frills," 'cause we've got a 6:30 reservation at Benihana.
Sheldon, do we really have to do this on a schedule? Are you suggesting spontaneity? I-I guess, yeah.
So, now that we're married, sex can occur at any time? Like, we can be brushing our teeth, and suddenly your minty-fresh tongue is in my mouth? No, thank you.
Really? Would it be so bad to mix it up a little? Mix it up? Who are you, Betty Crocker? Where are you going? Uh, to take a shower.
Now that sex can happen at any time, I always have to be ready.
Should probably live under a waterfall.
Well, you don't have to worry about sex happening tonight.
Oh.
Well, thanks, but I'm still gonna rinse off.
I touched a lot of stuff in the gift shop.
No message, no note.
Who would do that? What kind of husband would If you let him talk, maybe you'll find out.
Fine.
Larry? Well, there you go.
What more can he say? Let's go home.
I think I'll stay.
Well, if you're going to stay, then I'll stay.
All right, well, you know who doesn't need to stay? Us.
Come on.
Penny, come on.
Aw.
I don't think those two are gonna make it.
Poor Mr.
Fowler, I really feel sorry for the little guy.
I know.
After they had Amy, she should've just eaten him and been done with it.
Look at you retaining facts from a nature show.
(chuckles) I know, really, what did he ever see in her? He's so, so sweet, and she's such a ballbuster.
Some guys think strong women are sexy.
Yeah, but they seem to have nothing in common.
Yeah, well, sometimes opposites attract.
Wait, are-are you saying we are like them? I don't know, maybe a little.
So you're the sweet, quiet one and I'm Amy's mom? Is that what you're saying? Hey, check out what Neil deGrasse Tyson just tweeted.
"I've been informed that some random, attention-seeking nobody took a cheap shot at me on the local news.
" That's me.
Guys, he's talking about me! You know, I cut you a lot of slack 'cause you come from another country, but you've been here a long time.
Raj, you need to apologize to Dr.
Tyson.
Why? This could be good for me.
Everybody loves a good Twitter feud.
Neil and I could be like the new, uh, Katy Perry and Taylor Swift.
Come on, Raj, you're better than this.
Oh, leave room for dessert 'cause I'm gonna make you eat those words.
(clears throat) "Dear Dr.
Tyson, "much like epithelial tissue, it appears I've gotten under your skin.
" iPhone drop, but I won't 'cause I don't have AppleCare.
(phone chimes) What'd he say? "Nice try, genius.
The skin is epithelial tissue.
" Oh, it's on.
He's Katy, I'm T-Swift.
(clears throat) What are you gonna do? He's from another country.
TOUR GUIDE: And here we have the former hotel where Tesla perfected the three-phase alternating current motor.
That's wrong.
I'm gonna say something.
Don't.
Well, then how will everyone know I'm the smartest boy here? Just let it go.
Is everything all right? You seem testy this morning.
I'm not testy.
I'll have to take your word for it.
There's no test for testy.
Is it possible that you're sexually frustrated? Okay, now I'm testy.
If you had adhered to my coital schedule, your brain would be floating on a sea of oxytocin right now.
Don't talk to me about my brain.
I'm a neurobiologist.
Then you should know the benefits of the special hug that grown-ups give each other.
Sheldon, everybody's listening.
Of course they're listening; we're interesting.
Unlike that guy.
I-I'm walking away from you.
I'm only recently married.
Do I stay here? Do I follow? Say something useful.
Morning, sunshine.
So I see you're making espresso.
Yup.
Just need that extra jolt for a successful day of ballbusting.
Really? I don't, I don't think you do.
You know, you compared us to the strangest couple we know, and we know Amy and Sheldon, Howard and Bernadette, Raj and his twitchy little dog.
I-I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.
Because it wasn't nice or because it wasn't true? It's not true.
(stammers) Mrs.
Fowler is an angry, vindictive woman, whereas you are warm and-and loving, quick to forgive.
Oh, please.
I-I'm serious.
And I'm nothing like Amy's dad.
He's a mousy little man who can't stand up for himself.
My point is you're not like her, so we're not like them.
Well, 30 years from now, are you gonna hide from me because I'm so scary? Hey, I-I don't think you're scary.
Yes, I flinch when you make sudden moves, but that says more about my childhood than you.
Aw.
Your turn.
Hang on, I'm checking to see if Neil replied to my latest smackdown.
Really? Don't you think this Twitter feud is a little silly? Absolutely not.
It's-it's two respected scientists debating opposing views in a public forum.
You called him Mike Tyson's little sister.
Yeah, and now Mike Tyson's mad at me, too.
Raj, you're not going to impress anyone by attacking him.
Oh, Bernadette, you sound so old right now.
He said he needs a break, and I'm too much for him.
Oh.
I'm sure he didn't mean that.
He said I'm overbearing! Oh, please, you're just the right amount of bearing.
Look, I know he loves you.
If you just give him some space, I'm sure he'll come back.
You really think so? Yeah, I do.
You're a good person, Penny.
I hope we get to spend lots of time together.
Me, too.
- Yes? - Hit the road.
- But - Now! Can I get my stuff? - Be quick about it! - (whimpers) - Hello.
- Hello.
I brought you two hot dogs.
A-Aren't you gonna eat one? From a street cart? Are you crazy? I'm amazed that I'm holding them.
I'm not really hungry.
You realize that I'm not a particularly physical person.
- I know.
- When I was little, and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd always say, "A brain in a jar.
" Sure.
Yeah, but I want to be a good husband to you, and intimacy is a part of that.
Please put those down.
I'm just worried that if I don't schedule our bedroom endeavors, then I may not think about them, and you'll grow cold and distant and seek solace in the arms of a heavily-muscled longshoreman.
Where would I find a longshoreman? Along the shore.
It's in the name.
Sheldon, I could never be with anybody but you.
That's good to know.
I wouldn't want to fight a man who's brave enough to touch a fish.
How's this for a compromise? Make all the schedules you want, just don't tell me about them.
Excellent.
I'll create an algorithm that'll generate a pseudo-random schedule.
Yeah, and do you know why it won't be a true random schedule? Because the generation of true random numbers remains an unsolved problem in computer science.
Come with me.
- Where are we going? - To the hotel room.
And when we get there, I'm gonna need you to say that again, except naked.
- (gasps) (ringtone playing) Go for Dr.
K.
NEIL deGRASSE TYSON: Is this Rajesh Koothrappali? Yes.
Who is this? Neil deGrasse Tyson.
(stammers) Uh, w-wow.
(chuckles) How fun is this Twitter thing, huh? You think you're funny? I'm-I'm not Seinfeld funny, but I did an open mic night once.
You're not funny.
Yeah, that's what they said at the Chuckle Hut.
How about this: I've got a book signing at Vroman's in Pasadena next week.
Why don't you come by and say some of those things to my face.
(chuckles): Oh, no, but thanks for the invite.
Smart move, and the next time you pick up your phone, remember, I'm the guy who kicked Pluto out of the solar system.
And it deserved it, sir.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Well, that was fun.
Let's see who else needs a deGrasse kickin'.
Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Hey, Bill, Neil Tyson.
We've got to talk.