Family Guy s12e01 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! We now return to 11 Angry Men and One Developmentally Disabled Man.
Okay, the vote is and one for "kitty.
" All right, let's keep talking it out Has the jury reached its verdict? We have, Your Honor.
We find the defendant kitty.
Boy, am I beat.
Peter, what's with the tie? Oh, I bought a tie so I can loosen it when I'm beat.
Oh, my God, Dad! Peter, your breath! It's horrible.
Is Whoopi Goldberg working out down there? Peter, I think what everyone's saying is that you've got "dad breath.
" What the hell's "dad breath"? You know, "dad breath.
" Guys get older, they stop paying attention to hygiene, their bodies are changing It's just a fact that, at a certain age, men start to rot from the inside out.
I don't smell it.
Huh.
Maybe that explains what happened with that new guy at work today.
All right, so this is Pawtucket Patriot's national distribution.
As you can see, we are predominantly an East Coast beer.
Hey, there's gonna be a quiz on all this later.
I'm just kidding.
Someone said that to me once, now I say it.
Hey, Lois, what do you say we do what Anderson Cooper tried once before he decided he hated it? Oh, Peter Hi, there.
Ugh.
Oh.
Let's do some role-playing.
You're you and I'm Peter, only with much worse knees.
Ow, my knees! Actually, Peter, I think I finally want to make love to a 1950's spaceman.
Really? You mean it?! All right, let's go! Good.
Ugh, Dad, it smells like rotting flesh in here.
Take the window lock off! Can't do that, Meg.
I don't trust myself not to jump out the window.
But Minnie had a heart Ah, now this is music.
As big as a whale Hidee hidee hidee hi Hidee hidee hidee hi Hodee hodee hodee ho Hodee hodee hodee ho Heedee heedee heedee hee Heedee heedee heedee hee Oh, my God! Meg, are you okay? Do you need mouth-to-nose resuscitation? Ah politics.
Ah coach is a bum.
Oh, bloody hell! Heh! Beetle Bailey.
Heh! Ha-ha! Ha! Ha-ha-ha! Oh, that's it! All right, fat man, two can play at that game.
Aah! Friendly fire! All right, that's it, Peter, we've got to do something about that awful breath.
I'm making an appointment, and you are going to the dentist.
Geez, you are not gonna let this go, are you? You're as stubborn as a four-hour erection.
Well, she's long gone, so, uh, you can go, too.
Oh, no, you got me for another three and half hours, pal.
Go ahead, seek medical attention.
I'm not going anywhere.
You can't stay! I'm chaperoning my daughter's Girl Scout dinner in 45 minutes! Well, tuck me into your waistband and try not to pee up your shirt.
Oh, boy.
All right, I think I found the culprit.
This shrimp was lodged under one of your gums.
Wow, that must've been in there a while.
It's been weeks since I ordered from Hurry Up, Shrimp.
Where the hell is this guy? I ordered that shrimp two hours ago.
Uh-oh! Looks like you should've ordered from Hurry Up, Shrimp.
Hurry Up, Shrimp? Well, that just sounds fast.
On average, Americans spend upwards of 50,000 hours waiting for shrimp over the course of their lives.
When I heard that, I thought to myself, "Why on earth don't these guys just hurry up?" So that's just what we did.
Come on! Come on! No way this is the shrimp.
Wow, it is! Hurry Up, Shrimp, Hurry up, Shrimp Hurry Up, Hurry Up, Hurry Up, Shrimp.
Well, I'm very proud of you, Peter.
And since you were so well behaved at the dentist, you can order anything you want.
Oh, Dad, when do I get to go to the dentist? When you're older, Chris.
Good evening, countrymen.
- And women.
- Oh! Welcome to The Founding Father.
Hey, little guy.
You know, that's a real treasure map you've got there.
Okay, well, I guess treasure hunting isn't for everyone.
Treasure, you say? Ah, yes.
You see, legend has it that Quahog founder Miles "Chatterbox" Musket hid his fortune in fear of it being taken by British soldiers during the Revolutionary War.
He died before he could retrieve it, and left behind only this map.
Many believe his treasure is still buried right here in Rhode Island.
Okay, I'm gonna go do diarrhea, and then I'll be right back to take your order.
Lois, I know where this is! Peter, please, that's just a place mat to distract your children while you're eating.
There's no treasure.
Well, what if there is? Ah, see? Surprised you with that one.
You see, you see that rock next to the "X"? I know that rock, Lois-- it's right near Route 2.
I'm finding that treasure.
Peter, the map is a joke.
You're being played for a fool.
Like George McFly.
Hey, Lorraine, whatever happened to that guy Marty from high school? Don't know.
Never saw him after the prom.
Really? Sure you didn't run into him, oh, say, about 16 years ago? George, what are you talking about? I'm talking about the fact that our son, who you insisted we name after that guy Marty, looks exactly like him! You think I'm an idiot? That I wouldn't notice that our son is a dead ringer for the guy who fixed us up? Mom, Dad, I accidentally set fire to the living room rug! I am not going easy on him! Hey, guys, who wants to dig for buried treasure with me? What? What are you talking about? Well, this child's place mat is telling me to dig for buried treasure by the side of the highway.
Who's in? Aw, forget it, Peter.
That's crazy talk.
Yeah, we're not going along with another one of your stupid ideas.
I don't have stupid ideas.
Haven't you seen my documentary film? Each year, the environment covers more than 40% of the Earth.
Every animal on Earth lays eggs.
This is a birch tree.
Today it will begin its 10,000-mile journey.
The Earth neither hates nor loves, but sits, waiting patiently, for people to do famous stuff.
Peter, it's time to come home.
You been out here digging all day.
I-I told you this whole thing was ridiculous.
What the hell was I thinking, anyway? I must be some kind of idiot.
What was that? Holy crap! Lois, it's the treasure! Oh, my God! Peter, you were right! Oh, no, it's the one kid who also followed the treasure map.
I don't believe it! There really was something buried out there! Well, it's not the treasure, but it looks like it's a clue to where the treasure is.
"Face the circle in the square, you'll see me, I'll show you where.
" Interesting.
Interesting, interesting.
Okay, well, if there is a treasure out there, we don't want anybody else to know about it.
None of this leaves this room, okay? Obviously.
We're not idiots, Brian.
Hey, look! Dad's on TV! Hello, I'm Tom Tucker, here with local fortune seeker Peter Griffin, who appears to have found a clue to a hidden treasure.
That's right, Tom, and I sincerely hope that the caption beneath me doesn't say "Local Fatty.
" Let's do something about that caption.
All right, well, you can check out the clue at our Web site: We were a little late getting a Web site.
Quick, Neil! Sign into the neighbors' Wi-Fi so we can get that clue.
Nurse, write down that clue, and then go out in the waiting room and maybe start lowering expectations.
Treasure?! Yeah, baby? Bring me a grape wine.
Peter, what the hell! Now everyone has the clue! Why would you do that? Because I'm tired of people saying I don't know nothin'.
Everyone doubted me, so I wanted to rub it in their faces that I was right.
All right, where is it? Give me that! Is this all there was? Yeah, is there anything else we should know before we start looking? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is our thing.
We're not sharing this with anyone.
Peter, come on, are you serious? If Joe or I found this, we'd want you right alongside us.
Well, yeah, we're like peas in a pod.
Wait-wait.
Don't go in there.
He's doing his podcast.
Oh, that's cute.
Now, that I like.
What do you think about this, you old bag? Oh, no.
Look, you guys doubted me, mocked me, constantly handled my Eggo despite my clear instructions, and now you want a piece of my treasure? I don't think so.
Well, fine! We don't need you anyway! Peter, I don't like this.
It seems like this treasure is already turning people against each other.
Hang on, you guys.
I think I might have figured something out.
"The circle in the square.
" That could be the clock in the town square.
Wow, that You're right! Brian, that could be it! Well, let's get down there before anyone else does.
Son of a bitch! Everyone's already here! Let's see, "Face the circle in the square.
" "Face the circle.
" "Face.
" Okay, the gesturing needs to stop.
No one else is doing that.
Look! When you face this way, you're looking at the statue of Miles Musket.
Crap, you guys, there's already other people here.
They must have figured it out, too.
You're right.
Okay, gather round, kids.
Family suicide.
Look-- there's a plaque! "This square shall forever honor "the memory of my son, Timmy Musket.
"Always a chip off the old Block.
"May he rest in peace.
Miles 'Chatterbox' Musket.
" Wait-- when I played Jane Musket in the school play the last three weekends-- thanks for coming I couldn't.
I had a thing.
I had a lot of dog stuff that day.
Yeah, weekends I like to spend with my kids.
I learned that Timmy Musket is buried in a cemetery on Block Island.
I remember it because my big speech was, "Timmy" Meg, please.
That must be what "chip off the old Block" means! That's it! Meg, take the car home! Your mother and I are taking the ferry to Block Island! Chris, we need to find that treasure for ourselves.
What do you mean? Even if Dad finds the treasure, he's not gonna share.
He'll just blow through it all.
Maybe you're right.
I mean, last time we came into some money, he just wasted it on all those diamond pinkie rings for everybody.
What?! Uh, well, uh, yeah, we should probably go.
What the hell? Where are they going? Oh, forget them.
They're dead weight.
If this treasure's going to be found, it's up to you and me, Brian.
What do you mean? Come on! You think the fat man's gonna figure out those clues? He's an idiot.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Yes, I mean, he's the guy who put all those little bald men in incubators because he thought they were babies.
Look at you.
You came early, but you're gonna make it.
I'm a senior vice president at an investment firm! Oh, someone's a fussy britches.
Sailing Takes me away To where I've always Heard it could be Want half a Mounds bar? What? Who eats a Mounds bar? I do.
My whole life, I don't think I've ever seen a single person eat a Mounds bar.
Well, you're about to see one now.
So, you walk into a store, you see the hundreds of options for candy, and you choose a Mounds bar? Yep.
So what is it you like? The coconut? The chocolate? Yeah.
Both those things.
How long you been eating 'em? Uh, I've probably been having a Mounds bar two or three times a day for the last 25 years.
Geez, no wonder you can't walk! You have total renal shutdown! Your kidneys are drowning in a stew of chocolate and coconut! Give me that! What are you doing? Why are your nipples poking into me? Sorry.
That happens when I'm cold.
But why are there three of them? There aren't.
Two of them are moles.
Those numbers still don't add up! Why the hell are we taking a hot air balloon? I don't think we're anywhere near Block Island.
Oh, I know.
We passed that miles ago.
What? Well, then what about the treasure? Two friends sailing in the sky in a wicker basket with a strange man holding a cheese plate? This is the treasure, Bri.
You want a Vicodin? Isn't it dangerous to do drugs Yeah.
Exactly.
What the hell?! Never gonna die! Your friend is, like, the coolest guy I've ever had up here.
Oh, damn it, Lois, they're already here! This is all your fault! What?! How is this my fault? Because you just had to stop for ice cream! Then you get in there, and you order like you never heard of food before! Oh, "Coffee Fudge Swirl with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
" Oh, I wonder what's in that! You just listed off all the ingredients! Everything you just said is what's in that! Well, I hate to say it, but I guess we're supposed to dig this kid up.
Any volunteers? I dig kids.
All of you, hold it right there! If anyone's digging into this little kid's grave, it's me! You're too late.
We got here first.
No, it's my treasure hunt! I found the first clue! You guys are just horning in! You guys, calm down! See, this is what I was talking about.
You can't desecrate a child's grave! Don't worry, Lois.
We're gonna do it with reverence.
Hey, how about a little digging song? Little Peter Griffin Diggin' up a casket Shovelful of dirt and bop ya on the head.
I didn't care for the end of that song.
Oh, my God! The treasure's in the casket! Come on, Meg, let's get it! My treasure! Oh, my God! You hit your own son! That's it, Peter.
I am not gonna stand here and be a part of this madness.
You're on your own, because I quit! Chris, Meg, we're going home.
Well, good! You were just slowing me down anyway! You, Asian lady, you're the new Lois.
I will have one scoop of mint chocolate chip in a waffle cone.
You are a practical, straightforward people.
What do you guys think is in here? Sounds like books.
Oh, my God! Feels so weird to be looking at a dead kid and not have angry parents nearby.
Hey, look! There's something written inside the lid.
"You've crossed the miles, you've pawed through clues.
Find where he hits, misses, cheers and boos.
" By the way, for those who came on my boat, I have those sandwiches.
"Hits, misses, cheers, and boos.
" Could be baseball? And "pawed through clues.
" Could it be Paw tucket? The Pawtucket Red Sox play at McCoy Stadium.
Quagmire, let's get to that stadium! Eh! Lois took the bike.
Hey, wait a minute.
This is a great time for me to do my Suzuki Samurai promo! Are you a Hawaii scumbag? Do you chug energy drinks in Arizona? Suzuki Samurai-- ninja name, garbage car.
You sons of bitches, this is my Oh, my God, look at 'em.
Lois was right.
This treasure hunt has turned them all into animals.
There's more where that came from, mister! He was right.
There was more! Oh, look who's back-- the grave robber.
Hey, Lois.
So, what happened? You find your treasure? No.
I realized something after you left.
It's not the treasure that matters.
All that really matters is the money you get in exchange for the treasure.
I guess I had to learn that the hard way.
Per, you were a real jerk out there! I know.
You were right.
I took this thing way too far.
And I'm really sorry about how I treated you and the kids.
But you know me.
If I read anything on a place mat, I I just kind of go nuts.
Can you forgive me? Chris forgave me.
I can't wait for you to fall asleep tonight.
Of course I forgive you, Peter.
So I guess everyone else came to their senses, too, huh? No, they all ran off to McCoy Stadium.
What? Why? What's at McCoy Stadium? Ah, there was a clue at the graveyard.
Here, I took a picture with my phone.
Oh, it's the next picture.
Just swipe it to the next one.
She saw me.
"You've crossed the miles, you've pawed through clues.
Find where he hits, misses, cheers and boos.
" Peter, this can't be leading them to a baseball stadium.
Baseball wasn't invented until the 1800s.
Wow, you're really smart, Lois.
You know, Peter, in the first eight minutes of Meg's play, before I walked out, they said Miles Musket was a horrible drunk and a wife beater.
So, when it says, "hits, misses," it might be talking about hitting Mrs.
Musket.
And he probably misspelled "missus" because he was drunk when he wrote it.
Or maybe he misspelled it because cursive is hard, and everyone should get off his back.
And "cheers" and "boos" might be referring to a bar where he would "cheers," and drink his "booze.
" "Hits missus, cheers and booze.
" Wait a minute-- it's got to be an old bar, right? The Clam's the oldest bar in town.
That must be where the treasure is! All right, let's you put some makeup on and get right down to The Clam! Oh, no, they're closed.
Hang on.
I got an idea.
But you have to believe.
What? You have to believe.
Say you believe.
Okay.
I believe.
This is worse than the time we were in The Clam right now.
Yes! Peter, look! That's Miles Musket! It is? Yes! How have you never seen this painting before? Lois, I'm completely hammered every time I'm in here.
We did it! We found the treasure! You know what, Peter? Why don't you open it? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, okay, I'll-I'll open it.
Here, hold this.
"Congratulations.
"You have won The Founding Father Restaurant "Treasure Hunt Challenge.
"Please enjoy one free meal "at select Founding Father locations.
Expires May 16, 2006.
" Wait a second.
What year is it? It's 2013, Peter.
So that's It's before.
The coupon's no good.
Oh, man! Um, this sucks worse than when I went to that strip club without Lois.
Yay! Well, Peter, I hope you're not disappointed we didn't find any treasure.
No, it's fine.
You know, the important thing is we figured out those clues together.
I mean, so what we won't be able to pay to fix them veins in your legs.
You're my treasure, Lois, and I want you on my team for everything.
Except for sports.
Me too, Peter.
I love you.
I love you, too, Lois.
No way that's the shrimp.