Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s12e01 Episode Script
Return Of The Warrior
Come along! Come along! Don't loiter! Don't loiter! This is not my idea of a good loiter.
I always thought he were a pillock.
Now I know he's a pillock with too much luggage.
HE COUGHS Just time for a quick one before my bus comes.
Is he paying? Oh! Since I'm the one that's leaving He doesn't think he's paying.
He is.
We just carted all his luggage.
He's paying.
Oh, well, if that's your attitude Oh! It was 'is round, any road.
Have you been counting? The one thing I can rely on - when in doubt, it's his round.
Sounds reasonable to me.
He's just treated us as his pack mules.
This is a tendency of the educated classes.
I've noticed it before.
It's all very well my buying these, but I suspect my bus is going to come before YOU can buy ME one.
That's true.
Don't let him slide back into complete slovenliness.
I never knew he'd slid out.
I haven't slid out.
If there's one thing I'm consistent at, it's complete slovenniness.
Oh, don't tell me he's not improved since I came here.
All this time under my influence must have improved him.
Look at him.
He's not half as bad as when I arrived.
Maybe you've just got used to him.
That's it, Seymour.
Tha's just used to me.
Oh, don't say that! Don't tell me my standards have been relaxing! It's a good job I'm going away.
Relax, Seymour.
Tha's just become a bit more human, that's all.
That's all very well.
But looking at you, I'm reminded that you can become TOO damned human! Ah, well - I'll soon get back into the swing of things.
Swish! Swish! Nothing like beating small boys to underline your sense of social position.
I don't think it's allowed.
Nonsense! Of course you can beat small boys.
That's what they're for.
Now, I want you both to write.
Ohon second thoughts, I want YOU to write.
HE can print.
And I want you to address the envelope.
I can't be seen to be receiving letters from anyone with his scrawl.
Tha's only going 20 mile! It's a very important teaching post.
I'll be acting for the headmaster whenever he's absent.
Did I pack my cane? It feels as if tha's packed an electric chair! It's no good packing your cane, anyway.
You're not allowed to use it any more.
Not allowed to use it? Somebody who probably has two nannies for their kids has decided it's illegal.
You mean somebody's removed my freedom to hit back? Tha's not allowed to beat kids any more.
Not even here and there? Especially "there".
THEY MOUTH What are we gonna do, then? Well, we can do what we like, can't we? Our horizons have suddenly expanded.
There's no longer anyone around saying, "Do this.
Do that.
" That's true.
Nobody telling us what to do.
Nobody yakking at us.
Right.
Nobody trying toreform us.
Nobody.
No.
We are entirely free.
Absolutely.
A bit boring, though, ain't it? Absolutely.
I could have sworn that was Foggy Dewhurst.
Give over! He's in Bridlington, decorating eggs.
Phew! I'm sorry.
I was picking my luggage up and put my stick in the air I How much?! Blimey! Tsk! SHE SIGHS Ugh! Not enough sugar? No! How long are you two plotting on staying here, then? Oh, for ages.
Don't bet on it! Suddenly, life is like first-class mail - there doesn't seem to be any urgency any more.
Nope.
Time's our own.
We can do what we like.
Well, go and do it somewhere else.
You make folk uneasy, sitting there not misbehaving.
Do you want to go somewhere else? To do what? Nothing.
We could do that here.
It's not natural! Haven't you got some hobby? I mean some other kind of hobby! SHE SHRIEKS CLOCK CHIMES Right, then.
What now? I think I'll go and irritate Nora Batty.
Well, that's fine for you, but what am I going to do? You could come and watch me irritate Nora Batty.
Is that your best offer? Huh! Come back here.
Phew! DOOR CLOSES Good grief! Foggy Dewhurst! Yes.
Erhave you seen, um? They've just gone.
Any idea where they might be? I should try Nora Batty's.
Aye, well, I'll just catch me breath a minute, then I'll go after them.
I'll have a cup of tea, please.
Oh.
Now let's see, that's five, seven, eightten.
Twenty.
On the house.
Nice to see you.
Thanks.
I don't think they were expecting you.
I thought I'd give them a surprise.
Oh, lucky them(!) Are you on holiday? No, I'm back for good.
Oh, lucky all of us(!) You'll find them just as daft as when you went.
You'll be able to pick up where you left off.
Erdid they, er ever mention missing me? Not to my knowledge.
Oh.
Not that I care, of course.
But, I mean What, not once? Not a peep.
Ah, that would be the military training I gave them, you see.
I taught 'em how to keep their emotions under iron control.
You did a good job.
Yes, well, that's the Dewhurst legacy, you know.
I leave a trail of stiff upper lips behind me.
Well, it's nice to know that all your efforts haven't been wasted.
Yes - I shaped them in my own hard image, did I? What, they never said they missed me once? I think that's overdoing it.
Well What the blood and stomach pills? Who put them there? Who left these bags here? You see? She's not there.
Let's do something else.
Maybe she's inside.
How would you know that? I'll ring the bell.
O-o-oh Come here.
Don't be chicken.
Will you let go? You're ruffling me feathers.
Just stay there.
I dunno.
I'm not in the mood to be clouted with a yard brush.
Good.
Why don't you come down here with us chickens? Wait! I've changed my mind.
DING-DONG! I've told you lot about disturbing me when I'm busy.
I won't have loiterers on my steps! You'll try my patience once too often.
I'll try anything! HE KNOCKS DING-DONG! Oh, it's you.
Yes, it's me.
What are you doing back here, ringing people's bells? I'm looking for your scruffy neighbour.
He was ringing me bell.
Which way did he go? Arm over tip down the stairs, same as you.
Welcome home.
DOOR SLAMS I thought Nora looked well.
Did tha think so? I thought she looked fierce.
Of course, she always looks fierce.
But I mean, wellREALLY fierce.
Eh-up! It's Howard and Marina.
Ee, no, never mind us, lad.
Get in there! Carry on what tha were doing.
I know what you're thinking, but I was admiring this young lady's earrings.
That's right - he does.
He's crackers about my earrings.
And how are you, Norman Clegg? In a hurry.
If you see Pearl, tell her I'm at this lunchtime organ concert.
That's very inventive.
But Pearl will make you whistle the music.
I can whistle.
Not if she bruises tha lips.
Sounds like a challenge.
Howard! You get this wrong and Pearl is gonna cut tha whistle clean off! Come on! Hasn't he grown?! THUD! Oh, it's you.
Erdid youdid you see that? Did you see me hanging on with those trained fingertips? Everything perfectly under control.
He doesn't change a bit, does he? Well, his cap used to be straighter.
What? Did you bring my luggage? Pardon? You've not left my luggage! You've left my luggage completely unattended.
I bet you're glad he's back.
Aren't you glad he's back? I couldn't stand it any longer - day in, day out, painting eggs.
Not for me.
Well, you know me.
Aye, I know thee.
Tha's a great pillock with all this luggage.
I'm an outdoors type.
Mainstream wilderness.
Well, your basic jungle fighter.
I need wide, open spaces.
Tha's got 'em - between tha ears! I looked at it one morning - my 12,000th painted egg.
And I asked myself, "What are you doing, Dewhurst? "You're a samurai.
" So I sold up and here I am.
Oh, goody(!) Oh! Welcome home, Foggy.
Hear! Hear! By the way - next time tha comes home, don't call us, we'll call you.
I see you're still being dressed by Hardy Amies.
Listen - this gear is good enough for the job I've been doing all day.
It's not that heavy.
I was carrying it before you two came along.
Why didn't WE think of that? Don't be like that.
I was handling all the other baggage.
You know your trouble, don't you? You've got out of condition since I left you.
I mean, look at you! You both need sharpening up.
What chuffin' muffin left this lot here? He did.
Is that sharp enough for you? You dozy twallop! If you weren't so stupid-looking, I could get very nasty! Now, look here! Don't take that tone with me.
I warn you - I am a trained soldier.
I wonder if you realise how near you just came.
You were on the edge.
You'll be hearing from my solicitors.
They want their wings clipping, these chickens.
Move away, lad - otherwise you'll get covered in feathers.
Is Foggy the same old idiot, or is he getting better at it? Yes, well, I thought I dominated that situation rather well.
Did you see that? Did you see how I manoeuvred him? It's in the eyes, you know.
It's the same principle as training animals.
They know who's master.
I mean, you saw how I kept it from escalating into actual violence.
Nothing, really.
It's just something you get used to.
Aye, well, I reckon tha were about two inches from sudden death.
Death is no stranger to me.
Well, he is to me, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Looks like we're lumbered again.
Why do we seem to attract these lunatics? With me, it's personality.
Uh-huh? Come here! That man - we could use his bike for carrying the luggage.
Hey, Eli - can we borrow the bike? You might as well.
There seems to be something missing.
There he was, large as life - Foggy Dewhurst, the well-known idiot, walking in to my cafe.
His mother was of a nervous disposition, but a great believer in flannelette.
Oh! Oh, I shouldn't.
You must've been surprised when Mr Dewhurst walked in.
He rang my bell.
Not always easy, at our age.
Surprised?! I was even more surprised when my other customers came flying in all over the place.
He'd left his luggage in my door-hole.
He had it with him when he rang my bell.
They pick up so many useless things when they've never been married.
You should see what they pick up when they ARE married.
A good woman would get rid of half that stuff he's carting about.
Well, that's true.
If I didn't keep an eye on Wesley, he'd have bits of old motor cars in every cupboard in the house.
Mother, he loves bits of old cars.
Well, he can love them outside, in his shed.
Is he back for good, then? He said so.
Hmph! Yes, wellthey say trouble always comes in threes.
There you are, d'you see? A little planning.
That's what distinguishes the trained military mind from all that fuzzy civilian stuff.
I like fuzzy civilian stuff.
I was deeply committed to being an Ovaltiney.
How come we get involved with this luggage in the first place? It's sort of like an act of God.
God? I thought he were a corporal.
All right.
All right.
If you're going to moan, let's see what we can do about it.
Must keep the staff happy.
Now Let's see.
No, no, no! Get hold of it.
Show it who's boss! Tha want to try it! You're determined not to do it properly! I'm not wide enough in the legs.
Steady! Please, no details.
Not on an empty stomach.
Put the brake on or something! It's not your legs - it's your attitude wants improving.
Listen, Audrey, tha's got legs from here to Huddersfield.
Thee try it! Well, all right, yes.
I'll show you if I must.
I thought I was giving you the easier job.
Of course, our Seymour was a steadying influence.
I never noticed.
Oh, yes.
He had a first-class education and some beautiful knitwear.
Mr Dewhurst might be a steadying influence on them now he's back.
He never was before.
And he won't be again, if he keeps ringing people's bells.
But five years of running his own business is bound to have improved him managerially.
He's daft as a brush, if you ask me.
Makes that one of mine look almost human.
FOGGY: Aaaagh! What was that? What was what? I can't stop it! Help! A VERY nice noise for an area of high property values.
He-elp! I wouldn't say he's all that much improved managerially.
He's faster than he used to be.
He let us carry his luggage all this way and all the time he had a furniture van! BBC Broadcast - 2004
I always thought he were a pillock.
Now I know he's a pillock with too much luggage.
HE COUGHS Just time for a quick one before my bus comes.
Is he paying? Oh! Since I'm the one that's leaving He doesn't think he's paying.
He is.
We just carted all his luggage.
He's paying.
Oh, well, if that's your attitude Oh! It was 'is round, any road.
Have you been counting? The one thing I can rely on - when in doubt, it's his round.
Sounds reasonable to me.
He's just treated us as his pack mules.
This is a tendency of the educated classes.
I've noticed it before.
It's all very well my buying these, but I suspect my bus is going to come before YOU can buy ME one.
That's true.
Don't let him slide back into complete slovenliness.
I never knew he'd slid out.
I haven't slid out.
If there's one thing I'm consistent at, it's complete slovenniness.
Oh, don't tell me he's not improved since I came here.
All this time under my influence must have improved him.
Look at him.
He's not half as bad as when I arrived.
Maybe you've just got used to him.
That's it, Seymour.
Tha's just used to me.
Oh, don't say that! Don't tell me my standards have been relaxing! It's a good job I'm going away.
Relax, Seymour.
Tha's just become a bit more human, that's all.
That's all very well.
But looking at you, I'm reminded that you can become TOO damned human! Ah, well - I'll soon get back into the swing of things.
Swish! Swish! Nothing like beating small boys to underline your sense of social position.
I don't think it's allowed.
Nonsense! Of course you can beat small boys.
That's what they're for.
Now, I want you both to write.
Ohon second thoughts, I want YOU to write.
HE can print.
And I want you to address the envelope.
I can't be seen to be receiving letters from anyone with his scrawl.
Tha's only going 20 mile! It's a very important teaching post.
I'll be acting for the headmaster whenever he's absent.
Did I pack my cane? It feels as if tha's packed an electric chair! It's no good packing your cane, anyway.
You're not allowed to use it any more.
Not allowed to use it? Somebody who probably has two nannies for their kids has decided it's illegal.
You mean somebody's removed my freedom to hit back? Tha's not allowed to beat kids any more.
Not even here and there? Especially "there".
THEY MOUTH What are we gonna do, then? Well, we can do what we like, can't we? Our horizons have suddenly expanded.
There's no longer anyone around saying, "Do this.
Do that.
" That's true.
Nobody telling us what to do.
Nobody yakking at us.
Right.
Nobody trying toreform us.
Nobody.
No.
We are entirely free.
Absolutely.
A bit boring, though, ain't it? Absolutely.
I could have sworn that was Foggy Dewhurst.
Give over! He's in Bridlington, decorating eggs.
Phew! I'm sorry.
I was picking my luggage up and put my stick in the air I How much?! Blimey! Tsk! SHE SIGHS Ugh! Not enough sugar? No! How long are you two plotting on staying here, then? Oh, for ages.
Don't bet on it! Suddenly, life is like first-class mail - there doesn't seem to be any urgency any more.
Nope.
Time's our own.
We can do what we like.
Well, go and do it somewhere else.
You make folk uneasy, sitting there not misbehaving.
Do you want to go somewhere else? To do what? Nothing.
We could do that here.
It's not natural! Haven't you got some hobby? I mean some other kind of hobby! SHE SHRIEKS CLOCK CHIMES Right, then.
What now? I think I'll go and irritate Nora Batty.
Well, that's fine for you, but what am I going to do? You could come and watch me irritate Nora Batty.
Is that your best offer? Huh! Come back here.
Phew! DOOR CLOSES Good grief! Foggy Dewhurst! Yes.
Erhave you seen, um? They've just gone.
Any idea where they might be? I should try Nora Batty's.
Aye, well, I'll just catch me breath a minute, then I'll go after them.
I'll have a cup of tea, please.
Oh.
Now let's see, that's five, seven, eightten.
Twenty.
On the house.
Nice to see you.
Thanks.
I don't think they were expecting you.
I thought I'd give them a surprise.
Oh, lucky them(!) Are you on holiday? No, I'm back for good.
Oh, lucky all of us(!) You'll find them just as daft as when you went.
You'll be able to pick up where you left off.
Erdid they, er ever mention missing me? Not to my knowledge.
Oh.
Not that I care, of course.
But, I mean What, not once? Not a peep.
Ah, that would be the military training I gave them, you see.
I taught 'em how to keep their emotions under iron control.
You did a good job.
Yes, well, that's the Dewhurst legacy, you know.
I leave a trail of stiff upper lips behind me.
Well, it's nice to know that all your efforts haven't been wasted.
Yes - I shaped them in my own hard image, did I? What, they never said they missed me once? I think that's overdoing it.
Well What the blood and stomach pills? Who put them there? Who left these bags here? You see? She's not there.
Let's do something else.
Maybe she's inside.
How would you know that? I'll ring the bell.
O-o-oh Come here.
Don't be chicken.
Will you let go? You're ruffling me feathers.
Just stay there.
I dunno.
I'm not in the mood to be clouted with a yard brush.
Good.
Why don't you come down here with us chickens? Wait! I've changed my mind.
DING-DONG! I've told you lot about disturbing me when I'm busy.
I won't have loiterers on my steps! You'll try my patience once too often.
I'll try anything! HE KNOCKS DING-DONG! Oh, it's you.
Yes, it's me.
What are you doing back here, ringing people's bells? I'm looking for your scruffy neighbour.
He was ringing me bell.
Which way did he go? Arm over tip down the stairs, same as you.
Welcome home.
DOOR SLAMS I thought Nora looked well.
Did tha think so? I thought she looked fierce.
Of course, she always looks fierce.
But I mean, wellREALLY fierce.
Eh-up! It's Howard and Marina.
Ee, no, never mind us, lad.
Get in there! Carry on what tha were doing.
I know what you're thinking, but I was admiring this young lady's earrings.
That's right - he does.
He's crackers about my earrings.
And how are you, Norman Clegg? In a hurry.
If you see Pearl, tell her I'm at this lunchtime organ concert.
That's very inventive.
But Pearl will make you whistle the music.
I can whistle.
Not if she bruises tha lips.
Sounds like a challenge.
Howard! You get this wrong and Pearl is gonna cut tha whistle clean off! Come on! Hasn't he grown?! THUD! Oh, it's you.
Erdid youdid you see that? Did you see me hanging on with those trained fingertips? Everything perfectly under control.
He doesn't change a bit, does he? Well, his cap used to be straighter.
What? Did you bring my luggage? Pardon? You've not left my luggage! You've left my luggage completely unattended.
I bet you're glad he's back.
Aren't you glad he's back? I couldn't stand it any longer - day in, day out, painting eggs.
Not for me.
Well, you know me.
Aye, I know thee.
Tha's a great pillock with all this luggage.
I'm an outdoors type.
Mainstream wilderness.
Well, your basic jungle fighter.
I need wide, open spaces.
Tha's got 'em - between tha ears! I looked at it one morning - my 12,000th painted egg.
And I asked myself, "What are you doing, Dewhurst? "You're a samurai.
" So I sold up and here I am.
Oh, goody(!) Oh! Welcome home, Foggy.
Hear! Hear! By the way - next time tha comes home, don't call us, we'll call you.
I see you're still being dressed by Hardy Amies.
Listen - this gear is good enough for the job I've been doing all day.
It's not that heavy.
I was carrying it before you two came along.
Why didn't WE think of that? Don't be like that.
I was handling all the other baggage.
You know your trouble, don't you? You've got out of condition since I left you.
I mean, look at you! You both need sharpening up.
What chuffin' muffin left this lot here? He did.
Is that sharp enough for you? You dozy twallop! If you weren't so stupid-looking, I could get very nasty! Now, look here! Don't take that tone with me.
I warn you - I am a trained soldier.
I wonder if you realise how near you just came.
You were on the edge.
You'll be hearing from my solicitors.
They want their wings clipping, these chickens.
Move away, lad - otherwise you'll get covered in feathers.
Is Foggy the same old idiot, or is he getting better at it? Yes, well, I thought I dominated that situation rather well.
Did you see that? Did you see how I manoeuvred him? It's in the eyes, you know.
It's the same principle as training animals.
They know who's master.
I mean, you saw how I kept it from escalating into actual violence.
Nothing, really.
It's just something you get used to.
Aye, well, I reckon tha were about two inches from sudden death.
Death is no stranger to me.
Well, he is to me, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Looks like we're lumbered again.
Why do we seem to attract these lunatics? With me, it's personality.
Uh-huh? Come here! That man - we could use his bike for carrying the luggage.
Hey, Eli - can we borrow the bike? You might as well.
There seems to be something missing.
There he was, large as life - Foggy Dewhurst, the well-known idiot, walking in to my cafe.
His mother was of a nervous disposition, but a great believer in flannelette.
Oh! Oh, I shouldn't.
You must've been surprised when Mr Dewhurst walked in.
He rang my bell.
Not always easy, at our age.
Surprised?! I was even more surprised when my other customers came flying in all over the place.
He'd left his luggage in my door-hole.
He had it with him when he rang my bell.
They pick up so many useless things when they've never been married.
You should see what they pick up when they ARE married.
A good woman would get rid of half that stuff he's carting about.
Well, that's true.
If I didn't keep an eye on Wesley, he'd have bits of old motor cars in every cupboard in the house.
Mother, he loves bits of old cars.
Well, he can love them outside, in his shed.
Is he back for good, then? He said so.
Hmph! Yes, wellthey say trouble always comes in threes.
There you are, d'you see? A little planning.
That's what distinguishes the trained military mind from all that fuzzy civilian stuff.
I like fuzzy civilian stuff.
I was deeply committed to being an Ovaltiney.
How come we get involved with this luggage in the first place? It's sort of like an act of God.
God? I thought he were a corporal.
All right.
All right.
If you're going to moan, let's see what we can do about it.
Must keep the staff happy.
Now Let's see.
No, no, no! Get hold of it.
Show it who's boss! Tha want to try it! You're determined not to do it properly! I'm not wide enough in the legs.
Steady! Please, no details.
Not on an empty stomach.
Put the brake on or something! It's not your legs - it's your attitude wants improving.
Listen, Audrey, tha's got legs from here to Huddersfield.
Thee try it! Well, all right, yes.
I'll show you if I must.
I thought I was giving you the easier job.
Of course, our Seymour was a steadying influence.
I never noticed.
Oh, yes.
He had a first-class education and some beautiful knitwear.
Mr Dewhurst might be a steadying influence on them now he's back.
He never was before.
And he won't be again, if he keeps ringing people's bells.
But five years of running his own business is bound to have improved him managerially.
He's daft as a brush, if you ask me.
Makes that one of mine look almost human.
FOGGY: Aaaagh! What was that? What was what? I can't stop it! Help! A VERY nice noise for an area of high property values.
He-elp! I wouldn't say he's all that much improved managerially.
He's faster than he used to be.
He let us carry his luggage all this way and all the time he had a furniture van! BBC Broadcast - 2004