South Park s12e01 Episode Script

South Park - Season 12 Episode 1 "Tonsil Trouble" Well, there's no doubt about it.
Those tonsils need to come out.
- What? - What exactly does that entail, doctor? It's a very simple operation.
We'll just put you to sleep, Eric, and when you wake up you'll be tonsil-free.
Nuh, no way.
I'm not going to the hospital, mom! Oh, I thought you were a tough kid.
You're not scared of hospitals, are you? No, I'm not scared.
I just I don't want my tonsils out, that's all.
Well then, I guess you don't want all the "ice cream" you get after the surgery either.
Ice cream? Be a shame to have to give all that free ice cream to the big boys who aren't scared of the hospitals.
Whattaya say, champ? Think you can tough it out? Well, you did say free ice cream? Poopsiekins, wake up.
Wake up, honey.
It it's over? That's right.
You did it, poopsiekins.
It's over! I didn't feel anything.
You were right, mom! I'm so proud of you, Eric.
All right, so where's my ice cream? Oh! Here's the doctor now.
- Hi, doctor.
- You were right, doctor.
Everything is okay.
No, it's not.
Eric, I'm afraid that we've accidentally infected you with the AIDS virus.
- What? - What's that supposed to mean? During the tonsil surgery we had to supply you with donor blood, a mistake was made and you were given blood contaminated with HIV.
It was a one in a billion fluke.
I have AIDS? Not yet, but we've confirmed that you now have the virus that causes AIDS.
We are very sorry.
Sorry? You gave me AIDS and you're sorry? Oh, my poor little baby.
Mom, you said nothing would go wrong! Oh God! Oh no! No.
No, this is a joke, right? This is a joke! I can't have AIDS! We're going to do everything in our power to make this up to you, Eric.
For starters, I think I owe you some ice cream.
Fuck your ice cream, you said I'd be fine! You all said I'd be fine! My baby has HIV! No! No! Thank you for coming, everyone.
Boys, please take a seat.
What's going on? Are we in trouble? Boys, the reason we called you all in is because one of your friends has a serious illness.
Eric Cartman has been diagnosed with HIV.
- What? - Oh no He's been to several specialists since a botched blood transfusion.
The disease is in the very early stages and completely manageable.
But he's naturally a bit scared.
Cartman has HIV? We need everyone to understand that you can't get the virus from Eric.
You can still give him hugs and even kisses.
- Don't be afraid of him, just- - Excuse me.
Eric Cartman has HIV? Alright, we're gonna bring Eric in now, and let's all be as supportive as we can and show him lots of love Okay? Eric? Come on in, your friends all want to say hi, m'kay? - Hi, Eric.
- Hi there, Eric.
No.
Way.
How are you doing, Eric? You know, I think you're a real special little guy.
And even though you have AIDS, I ain't gonna act any different towards you.
God damnit this sucks ass! Excuse me, I have to step out for a minute.
Poor Kyle.
He's really taking it hard.
Is Kyle laughing out there? This isn't the time for funny jokes! I'm gonna die! No you're not going to die, Eric.
AIDS isn't a big a deal as it used to be, there are advances in treatment and- Not a big deal? Is that all everyone feels? People need to understand the seriousness of this illness! And the bravery of the people who struggle with it! We are here tonight to salute the bravery and the courage of one very special little boy who is living with HIV.
Where the hell is everybody? Excuse me, shouldn't we wait for everyone to arrive before we get started? This is everyone.
We didn't sell that many tickets.
Great benefit, Eric! The Italian meatballs are fa-fantastic.
So this is it? I'm afraid AIDS benefits aren't as popular as they used to be.
AIDS was more the '80s/'90s disease.
It's all about cancer now.
Well that's just great! Of all the times to get AIDS, I get it right when everyone stops giving a crap! With all of your help, we have raised over seventeen dollars for AIDS tonight, and that money will certainly go towards helping little Eric Markman.
Just bring out Elton John already! Uh we're sorry, Elton couldn't make it.
He had to play at a cancer benefit.
It's all right, we got somebody better: Jimmy Buffett! Jimmy Buffett? Hello everyone.
I wrote this song for a very brave little boy.
AIDSburger in paradise! AIDSburger and it ain't nice! Nobody likes Jimmy Buffett except for frat boys and alcoholic chicks from the South! A little boy in South Park Dying of AIDS in the cold dark How he got AIDS I haven't a clue Wasting away again because of AIDS and stuff How are we all feeling tonight? Fuck you, Jimmy Buffett! You fucking suck! Oh poopsiekins, be nice.
Fuck you Mom, I have fucking AIDS! Hey guys, thanks a lot for coming to my AIDS benefit yesterday.
Oh dude, was that yesterday? We forgot.
Yeah, you forgot.
Just like a lot of people lately have forgot that AIDS is still killing people! Seems like all of America has forgot that HIV is a serious disease.
Well, did Elton John sing a song for you? No, as a matter of fact, Jimmy Buffett came instead.
Oh yeah, it's real fucking funny, Kyle! I'm sorry.
I'm.
I'm really.
Cartman, I feel really bad for you.
Honestly.
- No you don't! - I do.
If you really felt bad, you'd wipe that fucking smirk off your face! Well any Goddamned second, Kyle! I'm sorry.
I gotta go home.
Jesus Christ, can you believe that asshole? He does feel bad for you, Cartman.
He just thinks it's ironic.
Ironic how? You know,you're always such a dick and stuff, and Oh, and what? I deserve it? Is that what you think? Not me! That's eh, kinda what he thinks.
Nobody deserves this illness, Stan, Kenny! Nobody! It's awful! And maybe somebody needs to teach Kyle how to have some compassion! Oh, okay, it's clear.
All right, get that rope ready to hoist me up.
- Okay, but what are you going to do? - Kyle thinks that HIV is funny, so we're gonna make him look funny, and then he'll know how it feels to be laughed at.
I just I don't know if I should be helping you make Kyle look silly.
Butters, helping people who have AIDS is one of the most important things you can do.
I know, but are you sure Kyle has to be taught a lesson? I'm not just sure, Butters.
I'm HIV-positive.
Oh yeah, well I guess that's true.
All right, now get the rope up over that third rafter above the window.
- That's the easiest access.
- You really know what you're doing.
Yeah, I've sneaked into Kyle's room lots of times.
You think HIV is something to be laughed at, Kyle? Well Let's just see how funny it is now, asshole.
There there, bubbe, you'll be okay.
Oh doctor, did you find anything? Is it strep? No, it isn't strep Oh, well there's a relief.
Mrs.
Broflovski, has your son ever had a blood transfusion? No, why? Little boy, have you been having unprotected anal sex? - What? No? - Doctor, what are you saying? We've run every test imaginable little Kyle here is infected with HIV.
- What? - HIV? It took us a long time to narrow it down, but there is no doubt.
No, that's impossible! Little boy, are you sure you haven't taken it up the hoohoo just once or twice? No! No Goddamnit no! I'm telling you you're wrong! There, there's no way I can have HIV! Unless maybe Oh my God.
That son of a bitch! Kyle? Kyle! Pass me the ball! Pass me the ball, Craig, you stupid asshole! - Kyle, what the F? - I'm gonna kill you, Cartman! - Kyle, what? - What did he do? Why do I have HIV? Oh, you have HIV, huh Kyle? Guess it isn't so funny now, is it? - What did you do? - Nothing! Then why did Butters say he helped you sneak into my room last Friday night? Oh nice, Butters, you big tattle-tale.
Tattle-tale? Do you know how serious this is? Well, Kyle, maybe I was just trying to prove a p- Kyle! Here you go! Here you go! Hey! Hey, that's enough! Break it up, m'kay? Break it up! Hm'kay? M'kay! All right, boys, now what is this fighting all about? He gave me AIDS! What? He purposely infected me with his HIV virus! Is that true, Eric? Did you give Kyle AIDS? Well he was being a total dick! And he's a big tattle-tale and going around and talking crap about me! Did you infect Kyle with the HIV virus, yes or no? Kind of.
Eric, that is not appropriate behavior, m'kay? You cannot purposely infect other kids with your disease! That's right.
I think you owe Kyle an apology.
- I'm sorry.
- An apology? You're sorry for what, Eric? I'm sorry for giving you AIDS, Kyle.
That's better.
And now Kyle, maybe you should also admit you were wrong for tattling.
What? Kyle, the thing about tattling is, tattling's bad.
M'kay, because nobody likes a tattle-tale, m'kay? A tattle-tale? He infected me with AIDS! See? He's tattling again.
He hasn't learned a thing you guys.
Well Kyle, I guess we're even now.
Shall we just call it a truce? Kyle? Shall we call it Even Stevens now? Kyle, where are you going? I'm going to break everything that you own! What's that supposed to mean? Kyle? Kyle, no! I apologized, Kyle! Kyle! Kyle, hold on, you asshole! What the fuck are you doing? Kyle, stop it! Goddamnit, don't! Kyle, no! Not Clyde Frog! Leave Clyde Frog alone! No! Ah! Clyde Frog! Clyde Frobudjano no! Not the Xbox, Kyle! Not the X-wait! Wait a second! I'm sorry I gave you HIV, all right? Just give me a chance, and I can cure you! There is no cure, you asshole! No, no, listen, Kyle! I'm on to something.
There really is hope.
What hope? Break my Xbox and you'll never know.
You're lying! No! No, all right Kyle! Magic Johnson, Kyle! - The key is Magic Johnson.
- Magic Johnson? - He was a basketball player.
- So what? So he got HIV like fifty years ago, and he's still totally fine! Magic Johnson has some kind of resistance to the virus, Kyle.
I've been researching it since I got infected.
If we can track him down and and isolate his genetic prototype, we have a chance of beating this thing, buddy.
You and me, Kyle.
We can overcome our illness, I swear it to you! You better! Because if you don't find a cure for HIV, I will break your Xbox! My God We need two tickets to Los Angeles as soon as possible.
Los Angeles.
Okay, I have a two o'clock flight.
That would beee $400 each.
Ah, sir, you don't understand.
We have to see Magic Johnson right away.
You see, we have AIDS.
AIDS? Wow, that's really retro.
But I'm sorry.
I just can't give away free seats.
Don't you get it? We are two pals afllicted with an illness, and who only have each other in a race against time! Innocent playful children who are stricken with a dieadly disease for no reason! Oh please, no reason! I got AIDS from him! Oh, you boys are like that, huh? No! Are you sure you boys just don't have any cash? We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.
Ugh, we sometimes offer free seats to cancer patients, but AIDS I d- Hey Mitch? Do we have any AIDS patient policies? Forget it, alright? We'll use another airline! One that cares! We're so happy to help accommodate you brave boys.
What kind of cancer did you say you have again? Oh, you know, all over cancer.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, well, at least it's not as bad as having AIDS.
AIDS is the worst disease.
Hm, I don't know.
These days I think I'd rather have AIDS than cancer.
No you wouldn't! Look, shouldn't you be serving people drinks or something? Get outta here! We're on our way, buddy.
Magic Johnson, here we come.
Don't.
Touch me.
I know.
I'm scared too.
Magic.
Magic, could you come to the front for a minute? There are a couple of boys here to see you.
Two brave little buddies who against all odds have journeyed across America to find the cure for AIDS.
All they have are each other in a race against time.
Thank you for seeing us, Mr.
Johnson.
We were hoping that maybe you have some kind of key that can help us with our disease.
You boys both have the virus? Are you sure? We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.
Will you stop it with that? What part of this is funny to you? Kyle, we need to find a- What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny? - I don't think it's funny, Kyle.
- Then stop saying you're not just sure, you're HIV-positive! This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny, so shut the fuck up! Well excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things seem their darkest you just need to try and stay HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I- Knock it off! Right now! This isn't funny! At all! - Are you sure! - Yes! Are you HIV-positive? Ow, fuck, Kyle! Boys, the truth is I don't know why my body is so resistant to the virus.
I would love to know so I could help others, but I just don't.
Well I've been thinking: maybe there's something you've come into contact with that hinders HIV from growing.
Do you mind if we just look around? Well, not at all.
The pool is over there, where I try to swim and stay in shape.
My kitchen is full of pretty healthy food.
I don't know which thing it is that keeps my T-cell count high, so I try it all.
But everyone tries that.
There has to be something you're exposed to that others aren't.
- Could we see where you sleep? - Sure.
Just a pretty plain old ordinary bedroom.
Dude.
Oh, oh yeah, I.
I don't trust banks.
I sleep with all my money.
You sleep with money.
Every night? Yeah, I like to keep it close b- You don't think that.
.
? It's incredible.
Mitch, these boys could be onto something.
Take a look.
That's a sample of HIV-infected blood.
You can clearly see the HIV attacking the white blood cells, right? All right.
Watch what happens when we introduce some cash.
My God.
The HIV particles are receding! The cash does seem to retrain the HIV cells from stabilizing.
Now hold on! All the cash is doing is destabilizing the virus, not destroying it.
Well look, if being around lots of cash negatively affects the HIV, then maybe Then maybe enough cash shot directly into the bloodstream could kill the virus altogether.
I have enough cash for all three of us! We should give it a try! Na-noo, it's ridiculous.
We need FDA approval, control studies! I'm sorry, but this is impossible! These boys have shown us that a lot of impossible things can happen.
Their friendship has conquered every obstacle in their illness-ridden lives.
Their incredible friendship has brought a sparkle of hope to our world, that's for sure.
I suppose we could try to distill Magic's cash down to its most highly-contrated level and try it on one of them.
But it's very risky.
Yeah well, if there's a chance of being cured of this illness, then Kyle is willing to take that risk.
Let's hope to Christ this works.
Wait a minute Yes Yes, take a look! The cash particles have completely replaced all the HIV in Kyle's blood! Boys, you just found the cure for AIDS.
All right! They found the cure for AIDS! The cure for AIDS! - What is it? - Large doses of concentrated cash! - Get the media on the phone! - All right! Scientists have just discovered the cure for AIDS.
About a hundred and eighty thousand dollars shot directly into the bloodstream.
Hey! They just found the cure for AIDS! You just have to inject yourself with all your cash! I am pleased to announce that there is no trace of the HIV virus in either Kyle Broflovski or Eric Cartman.
Together these boys beat their illness.
With nothing but each other, and overcoming all odds, these two brave friends- Oh stop! We're not friends! He's the one who infected me with AIDS! These two brave lovers found the cure and helped the world.
And so, to honor these boys, here is Jimmy Buffett! What? Aw, no! Cureburger in paradise! Cureburger.
There I said it twice! Aw, Godddamnit! Well I'll tell you this, Kyle.
I'm never getting my tonsils out again.
I'm still breaking your Xbox.
What? No.
No.
Kyle, no!