Big Bang Theory s12e03 Episode Script

1 So, Penny, we were talking to our neighbors, and they're thinking of moving and selling their house.
Really? Why? Something about babies crying and keeping them up all night; it's not important.
You guys should totally take a look at it.
(laughs) Then we could be neighbors.
Hey.
Wait a minute, what about us? I mean, we're married now.
Maybe we want to buy the house next door.
Well, Amy, we can't move.
I'd have to change all the tags in my underwear.
You can buy new ones.
What-- new house, new underwear.
What am I, in the Witness Protection Program? Okay.
Guys, so what do you think? Well, I don't know, w-we're pretty happy here.
Yeah.
Plus, if we moved, we'd probably just get a loft downtown.
Really? I always figured we'd get a place with a yard.
Oh, sure, yeah, that makes sense, so you could shoot hoops and mow the lawn? How are you two married? You were there.
I wore her down.
He did.
You guys should've talked about all this stuff while you were dating.
I mean, me and Anu already know so much about each other.
Wait, I forget, is Anu your waxer? Uh, no, that's Annette.
Anu is the woman my father fixed me up with.
We're going on our first date tomorrow.
Which reminds me, I need to see Annette.
You're really letting your father pick out a wife? Why not? Arranged marriages have been working for thousands of years.
Anu and I come from similar backgrounds, our families get along and we each filled out questionnaires, so we know we're not wasting our time with someone who's not compatible.
Oh, that sounds so dry and clinical.
You lucky duck.
I just don't think you can truly know someone until you've spent a lot of time with them.
Really? What's Penny's dream vacation? Uh, Malibu beach house.
That's Barbie's dream vacation.
Maybe you should send us that questionnaire.
The Big Bang Theory 12x03 The Procreation Calculation Original Air Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! Enjoying your book? So much.
Why do you keep poking at it? Fine, I'm shopping on my phone.
You're the one who said you wanted to read more.
Yes, I also tell people I only feed the kids organic.
It's just stuff you say.
(door closes) - Hey.
- Ah, hello.
Hey.
How was your night? Ah, it was great.
We went to an improv show.
Yeah.
They asked the audience to suggest a word, and they used Stuart's.
Oh, cool, what was it? Coconuts.
It was such a good one.
(chuckles) It just came to me.
Uh, what are you guys up to? Reading.
Oh, nice, I wish I read more.
Well, if it's important, you find the time.
You want to see my room? - Yeah.
- Cool.
(quietly): How do you feel about this? That she can clearly do better, but that's not for me to say.
No, with them in his room, doing stuff.
Oh, come on, we're sitting right out here.
They're not gonna do anything.
Smooth operator Smooth operator I'd like to change my answer.
Smooth operator.
Wow, you really are good at this.
Well, I've spent a lot of time painting D&D miniatures.
I know that makes you want to rip my shirt off, but wait until your nails are dry.
(phone chimes) Oh, it's Raj.
He sent us that Indian marriage questionnaire.
- Ooh, read one.
- Okay.
"How religious are you?" That's easy, both of us: not at all.
No, I wouldn't say not at all.
I mean, I am pretty spiritual.
I do go to yoga, so Great, so your church is Our Lady of the Stretchy Pants.
Next question.
Uh, "how close are you with your family?" Pretty close.
I'm gonna say not too close, but I'm hoping to get farther.
How do you feel about children? Um, they're okay, I guess.
I mean, if I saw one, I wouldn't throw a rock at it.
W-Why would you throw a rock at a child? (chuckles): I just said I wouldn't.
The question is would you like to have kids.
So, yeah, we want kids.
Yeah-- someday.
Right, like, in the next five years.
Sure, uh, next question.
"How are you with pets?" Well, I did take care of Sheldon for 15 years, and he only bit me twice.
I have to say, uh, after reading your questionnaire, I feel like I already know you.
Totally.
Me, too.
Excuse me.
Can we please get sparkling instead of tap, some clean silverware and find out what they're having? That looks delicious.
Yes, ma'am.
Thank you.
So, you're an astrophysicist.
Yes, ma'am.
I-I mean, uh, just yes.
U-Unless you prefer "ma'am.
" I don't.
Good, because you don't seem like a ma'am.
You seem more like a sweet thang.
Wow.
You are not good at this.
(chuckles) Well, if I was good at this, I wouldn't need to be fixed up by my father.
I never thought I'd let my family set me up, either, but I'm 34, I'd like to have kids and it's hard to date because I work so much.
Oh, yes, uh, you're a concierge.
For now.
I plan to be managing a hotel in the next five years.
Four, if I can get the current manager out of the way.
He's a smoker, so fingers crossed.
I-I get it.
You know, um, I used to have a long list of what I wanted from a wife.
Uh, eyes like Sandra Bullock, hair like Sandra Bullock, and the bravery of Ryan Stone.
That's Sandra Bullock's character in Gravity.
But now, I-I just want someone nice.
I think I'm nice.
Are you nice? Oh, I'm definitely nice.
Every time a girl breaks up with me she always starts with, "You're a nice guy.
" Look, your whole sweet, insecure thing is cute, but honestly, I have no time for that.
If you're not serious about this, you need to walk away now.
I-I am serious.
Good.
Okay.
(chuckles) O-Okay, w-what does this mean? I think it means I might be the future Mrs.
Koothrappali.
How would you feel if I didn't change my name? A little hurt, but you wouldn't know, because I'm too nice.
Hey, want to get lunch? I can't.
Halley and Michael were up all night, and I'm way behind here.
- Oh, no, are they sick? - No.
They were just laughing and playing like a couple of jerks.
Boy, they're cute, but they ruin everything.
I get that.
You know, I've been thinking lately that maybe I don't want kids.
Are you crazy? Of course you want them.
It's amazing.
You just said they ruin everything.
I'm allowed to.
It's their fault I pee when I laugh.
Hang on, why is it crazy to say I might not want kids? Oh, it's not crazy.
It's just wrong.
You only think you don't want kids, but once you have kids, you'll realize that you did want them.
Or I don't want them, so I won't have them, so back off.
Aw, you sound just like me before I became a mom and learned what the meaning of love was.
Wow, I cannot believe how condescending you're being.
Look, I know it's scary, but you're gonna be a great mom.
I know I'd be great, but the point is I don't want to be one.
Maybe you wouldn't be great.
You kind of got a temper.
You know, not everyone needs to have kids to be fulfilled.
You're right, you've got Leonard.
What more do you need? - Hey, guys.
- Hello.
- Hey.
How was your date? Ah, let me answer that with a question.
How would you like to be my best man? (laughs softly) Wait, you're not seriously marrying a woman you've met once.
Why not? She's nice, I'm nice.
We're just as likely to be happy as any other two people.
Maybe even happier.
Sorry, that was not a swipe at you.
I didn't think it was.
Yeah, good, 'cause it was not.
SHELDON: Well, I, for one, applaud Raj's decision to forgo emotional attachment and find a life partner by bowing to a 3,000-year-old authoritarian tradition.
What are you talking about? You married a woman you're in love with.
I can't believe you're throwing that back in my face.
Why can't you just be happy for me? Because you're being dumb.
You don't know anything about her.
W-Well, how come you all get to be married and I have to stay single? I think that's a question for a licensed professional.
You know what, you're not just insulting me.
Okay? You're insulting my family, my culture and my future bride, Anu, a vegetarian with a master's degree from Cornell whose favorite fruit is pineapple.
Now, I'm not sure if this helps, but did you know that pineapples were once so rare that King Charles posed for a portrait with one? How does that help? Oh, it helped me.
I've been trying to slide that into a conversation for years.
(door closes) Hey, honey, how was your day? (groans) What's wrong? Raj is talking about marrying this woman he just met.
I told him it was dumb, and now he's mad at me.
The same thing happened to me.
Penny said she didn't want kids, and I told her she was being silly, and she accused me of being condescending.
Which is crazy, because if I wanted to be condescending, I would've said, "Ooh, 'condescending.
' That's such a big word.
" Why won't our friends just listen to us? We obviously know what we're talking about.
I know.
We're married, we have great kids, great jobs, this great house.
Smooth operator Smooth operator Smooth operator Smooth operator Coast to coast, L.
A.
to Chicago Western male.
Hey, Leonard, remember yesterday when we were talking about having kids someday? Yeah? Well, what if it wasn't someday.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, are you pregnant? No.
No.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
So? - No.
- Oh.
What I meant was, what if, what if we didn't have kids? Ever? I mean, our life is so great.
Why would we want to change that? Sure.
Sure.
Sure.
(stammers) And I guess it would be hard raising kids in the-the loft you never told me you wanted.
Well, wait, don't be mad.
I'm not mad.
Why would I be mad? There's nothing to be mad at! You have to-to turn the thing.
I knew that! AMY: Hi, Leonard.
- I'm not mad! You're awfully quiet.
- Sorry.
- No, I like it.
Got a lot on my mind.
Would you like to talk about it? Not really.
Grape Nuts for breakfast, quiet car ride, things are really breaking my way today.
It's just Penny hit me with some pretty big news and it's a lot to process.
And you'd like to do that quietly.
I respect that.
She said she doesn't want to have kids.
Maybe she didn't mean it, like when you said you didn't want to talk about this.
Forget it.
Do you want to have children? Well, I always assumed we would and now I find out, you know, I might be the last of the Hofstadter line.
Doesn't your brother have children? And your sister.
She kept the Hofstadter name and has five healthy boys: Neil, Jeffrey, Scott, William and baby Richard.
I'm going back to being quiet.
Sweet.
Hey.
Mind if I sit? Did you just come here to tell me I'm making a gigantic mistake by having this blueberry muffin and I should've got a cinnamon roll like you did? No.
Good, 'cause I'm happy with my choice.
Although that cinnamon roll does smell good if you're open to halfsies.
- Fine.
- Thanks.
Look, I'm sorry about yesterday.
You're right.
I-I was being Oh, my God, that is so good! I can wait.
No (clears throat) Sorry.
Go on.
I've known you a long time.
You believe in romance more than any person I've ever met and it's hard to see you give up on that.
But if you really think marrying this woman is gonna make you happy, then you have my complete and total support.
I will be with you every step of the way.
Thanks, Howard.
That means a lot.
So, hey, is this wedding gonna be in India? Ah, maybe.
Ugh.
What the hell, Penny?! I'm gonna need more than that.
You're not having kids? How could you do this to me? How is it any of your business? Because your kids were supposed to be friends with my kids.
Who's gonna be friends with them now? They will find other friends.
Oh, sure, 'cause Sheldon's DNA plus my DNA equals a kid who knows how to make friends.
Grow up! This is between me and Leonard.
Screw Leonard! We were supposed to get pregnant together.
We were gonna be barf buddies.
We were supposed to massage each other's perineums with vitamin E.
I'm about to be your barf buddy right now.
Listen, when you have kids, I'm still gonna be there.
I'm gonna be their fun Aunt Penny who gives them candy, and teaches them swear words and tells them stories about what a weirdo their mother is.
I guess I could live with that.
What is gonna be hard is letting go of the dream of us breastfeeding each other's babies.
And it's gonna be hard to forget you said that.
No.
What would you say if I told you I was totally naked under this robe? I would say that sounds pretty good.
Really? Well, I did not see that coming.
One second.
Smooth operator Oh, come on.
Wait.
Stay in the mood.
I'll put on our own music and drown them out.
You want a hot body? What's this? It's from my workout mix.
It's what I listen to when I'm firming up my glutes.
(Neil crying) Can you get him? Sure.
- Hey, Howard.
- Yeah? It looks like you could crack a walnut in those glutes.
I can't.
I tried.
Hey.
- Hey.
- I-I made you dinner.
Your favorite: In-N-Out Burger out of the wrapper on a plate.
Thank you, but you don't have to do this.
I'm fine.
I-I know it's not a baby, but it does leak when you pick it up.
Really? We're joking about this now? No, look, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to just drop all of this on you.
I-It just took me by surprise.
I-I always imagined having kids.
I know you did.
But I've imagined having a lot of things that I'm never gonna get: a Nobel Prize, a working Batmobile.
But I also have a lot that I never thought I'd have like you.
Are you sure that's enough? Yeah.
- You're really okay with this? - I am.
(ringtone plays) Hey, Daddy.
What's this Leonard says about you not wanting to give me grandbabies? He might feel differently.
Bye.
I told my parents our first date went well and they got very excited.
Oh, tell me about it.
My parents were so thrilled, they actually spoke to each other.
So that was a disaster.
Cheers.
(clears throat) Okay.
I guess if we're going forward with this wedding, we should talk about the next steps.
Oh, like themes and flowers? Actually, finances and taxes.
Oh.
We can't use that.
That was the theme of my parents' divorce.
I know that money can be a source of friction in a new marriage and I want us to avoid that.
Of course.
Yeah, right.
That's s-smart.
So, my accountant feels strongly that we should file separately the first year and then we can re-evaluate based on our joint assets.
You okay? No, I can't do this.
Why not? Th-There's something you may not know about me 'cause, you know, we've only met once, but I'm a hopeless romantic.
And you seem great and I do want to get married.
I-I do want to settle down, but this isn't the story that I want to tell my grandkids.
I understand.
I'm so sorry if I wasted your time.
Raj.
I know we don't know each other very well, but you seem like you'd make a good father and you're tall enough so I can wear heels and I think that's something worth fighting for.
Will you marry me? (stammers) Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Yes, of course, of course I'll marry you! - If you'd like to kiss me you can.
- Oh, great.
I should warn you I have a tongue piercing.
Oh, you're not that nice.
(both laugh) Are you gonna tell me where we're going? Because if it has the words "farmers" or "market" in it, I don't want to go.
You were talking about all the things you thought you would never have, so I thought I would get you one.
Oh, my God.
You bought me the Batmobile?! No.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I rented you the Batmobile for the day.
This is amazing.
Thank you.
(laughs) B-Be careful.
I-I did not get the insurance.
(engine starts, revs) (chuckles) Come on, Robin!